I'm hard at work on the books.... almost 80,000 words and 201 pages.  Editors are already hard at work on the first 150 pages - and let's face it... that poor bastard has her work cut out for her big time! lololol

I've been going through our past, photos, letters, making the timeline, trying to tell the full story, and I came across this letter I wrote The Boy around his first birthday.  What I wouldn't do to go back in time, to stop, to enjoy more, to..... change our course.

But I can't, so here it is:

November 27, 2005

 Son-


By now I’m sure you know how I’m a lousy Mom when it comes to writing things down and stuff… although by the time you read this I may have improved with age… but I doubt it! 



Today you stood up on your own!  I can hardly believe how fast you are growing up – and how fast you are learning so many new things.  Every day is an adventure!  I am so lucky to be your Mom, I hope you know that – I hope I have spent my life making sure you know that.  If not, I have totally failed you.  You are so amazing, so inspiring and so wonderful.  You’re never really ever fussy, or hard to handle, you are such a joy.

Today you were crawling all over the floor and you were laughing this giant toothy grin, like my very own pale pink jack-lantern.  Your left hand clutched this slobbery block, the fancy kind that Bubbie got you, and you raised yourself up and took one little wobbly step towards with me your right hand stretched out onto my arm.  Your whole body shook and waved like a drunken sailor, and you were just laughing away and shrieking away.  Your little eyes sparkled and lit up when I started clapping and yelling “yeahhh…..”.  That’s our little sign, me and you, I open my hands real wide and I start saying…” yyyyyyyyeeeeeeaaaaaaahhhhhh……” and I say it faster as I go and then I start clapping as fast as I can and you just love it, it makes you shriek and shake and laugh all at once.


This week you’ve been up a lot, but that’s my fault because I was so busy with the bridal show and we were all staying up waaaay too late, so I think your little body clock is a touch off – sorry little man!  The night of Thanksgiving you were up until after 2 AM, and I had to get up to take Daddy to work at 4Am, so I had about an hour of sleep!  Then you and I braved the crowds for shopping on Black Friday.  You were a little joy squealing all the way through Target as I shopped for all the Dvd’s Daddy wanted!  Everyone stopped to smile and wave at you – because you are just so … you’re like this little light that the whole world wants to stop and share for just a moment.  Really- it’s the coolest thing.

We’re still co-sleeping with you, though most people tell me that by now I should have you in you own crib.  It’s just so hard.  There really is nothing better than waking up to you in the morning.  You have the sweetest little sleepy smile.  First you look around with your eyes, all dark and curious, then you’ll twist your head around to look up at me, and then you’ll smile, and usually you grab at your feet with your little hands.  Daddy & I always try to sing “Good Morning” to you – which always makes you smile.  Do you know that in ten+ months you have never woken up in the morning by crying! Really, you are just the worlds coolest baby.

Mostly, I just love being your Mom, I don’t believe in being tired or anything, because every minute I have with you is a blessing and a joy – even when you keep me up all night, I’m never sorry because it’s YOU and I can never spend enough time with you regardless of the time of day.  I just love being with you.

Right now I can see your little face.  You still have your baby face, but I noticed the other day it was starting to change just ever so slightly, and you’re starting to look like a little boy now, instead of just a beautiful baby.  You’re getting so much character – and HAIR!!! I’m hoping to give you your first haircut by your birthday, but we’ll see.

But there you are on your Daddy’s shoulder, sleeping all sound, so I should probably go get ready for bed and then you can really sleep.

Mommy just wanted you to know how very much I love you and how very much I’m in love with you – from your perfectly shaped head to little pink and ticklish toes… I love every last bit of you.  J

**************************

sigh.

Miss Alex wants to know want I think the criteria for being the 'perfect wife' is.
I'll tell you:

She's still married.

Something I'm clearly not on both accounts. lololol

I am so tired tonight.  I am 63,430 words and 161 pages into the book.  I only have a few days left to finish it, then it's off to the Editors for a final edit and then to the printers.

Someone recently asked my *why* I was writing the book.  Why would anyone want to read what I had to say, and .... that kind of had me stumped.  I think they kind of have a point.

I have no idea how I got here, truly, I don't.  But, it's a tremendous opportunity to a publisher call you and ask you to write a book.  I don't care if the only people who buy are my friends -  it's kind of one of those opportunities that you are a fool to pass up. 

For those of you who have read the blog, I think the book is the prequel to everything.  The book shows you *more* of who El Capitan was before Yoga Girl, before it all fell a part.

You should know the El Capitan that I know - the one I still love.  He was worth knowing and through writing the book I think I'm starting to realize that in spite of what's happened he was worth loving... but note I just just *starting* to realize that.... I need some more time to mull that over, I can assure you.  lolol

As an update to the weekend, El Capitan called today to set up his time to see the kids this week.  I expressed how unhappy I was that he hung up me.  He apologized, he said that deep down he knew that the only reason we called was to *just* wish him a Happy Thanksgiving.  He said that he just was tired, overworked and jumping to conclusions and he flew off the handle over nothing.

Hooray.  I love it when we have some kind of positive resolution.

We talked about how he needs to either get his own place, or get to a play in his relationships with Yoga Girl that the kids can be apart of it. This 'keeping them at arms length' is taking it's toll.  We'll see what comes of that.

I reminded him that while *he and I* have conversations (away from the children) where I get to hate him with my words - hate what he's done, how he's done and who he's done it with - I'm *ALLOWED* to do that.

I'm also allowed to tell him about it.  PERIOD.  I EARNED that right when I married to him for 10 years. You don't get to piss all over my very existence, hand me a wet towel and walk away. 

I'm still working through this whole mess - as a mother, as a wife - as a *woman*.  and he *WILL* listen to what I have to say:  he owes me that much. 

He agreed.
THAT's the El Capitan I know.

HE agreed that I have to have the ability to tell him how much it hurts and that he understands.

I then went on to explain that what I say to *him*, or my friends - or on the blog - is MINE.  I get to say - in those places, because I would *never* say it to the kids or around the kids.

I'm still allowed to VENT as an adult woman.
While protecting my children as their Mother.

He agreed, again.
Then he said that he *knows* I tell The Boy that it's 'okay' to still love their Dad, because he tells him that.  The Boy TELLS HIM that I tell him it's ok to be mad, ok to be disappointed in someone and that it's ok to love someone who disappointing us.

Boo-FREAKING-YAH. 

I also talked to the counselor who did not find the weekends events all that alarming.  She said what she's *always* said:  children will fill in the blanks if you do not make things clear and do it for them.  The Boy filled in the blanks based on past experiences.  Done.  Simple.  That's how children are. 

I can't change his experience.  I can't always shield him from experiences I don't want to have - but that's a parenting issue that affects us all - not just parents going through a divorce or who are divorced.

I *can* however, be a little big happy that the tools I've been trying to give him are there- they are registering and .... they are helping.  They are helping him love in spite of the situation, they are helping him be compassionate and understanding and .... patient. 

The Boy will need to be patient with both of us while we figure out how to get more of this right and less of this wrong.  Sad, but true.

So today was all writing and converstaions that were as healthy as El Capitan and I can muster right now - and I was feeling pretty freaking good about the day.

and then.....
and then......
and then The Girl said, "Mommy, wemembwer when I bump my nose?  Wemembwer when it was me and you and XXXXX and Daddy?  Wember when we wived with Dadd?"

"I miss Daddy."

And it all comes crashing down.  That's the FIRST TIME that The Girl has verbally acknowledged our separation.  The first time she spoke about us not being together.  For the record, she flew off the bed and nearly broke her nose in March, about three weeks before I found out about Yoga Girl.

Wow.  I bet she remembers alot more than her nose.  Damn.


so, one GIANT step backward in the parenting department, and two small baby steps forward in the co-parenting department..... and one broken hearted Mommy hea


                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       

So, I woke up this morning to a very candid, honest and passionate email from a regular reader - who advised me to take down the three posts regarding Thanksgiving.

I thought long and hard about what she said, certainly anything I put on this blog can and will likely be used against me in court should things get legally nasty between El Capitan and I later.  I think the biggest fear *most* single parents have is going to court and how a judge will judge them/their actions and what affect that will have on their custody/parenting time.

At least it's my biggest fear.

However, the blog started with El Capitan's blessing (in witting) - neither of us asked for a national spotlight with our silly for sale sign, and once we - really *I* had it - he understood the need to be respectful of it.  I'm sure he didn't the blog would become what it has (with well over 15,000 active readers per month) but, it *has*, and he doesn't expect me, nor has he asked me in any way, to take it down.

I suppose it could well be true that El Capitan has a lawyer who get's up everyday and cuts and pastes my words into a folder for use in court later. The very thought makes my stomach hurt - the lawyers and going to court part.  But, if I'm doing bad things... what's the difference? 

However, this blog started out as *honest*.  Here I am - all 200 pounds of me, open, broken heart, bleeding and raw.  I have never claimed to be anything else.  I have also never claimed that I would always *get* it right in any situation with El Capitan.

I only made the promise to myself, the children and to him that I would *try* to get it right from the start.

I do not think I am unusual in that way - I believe most parents set out with the best of intentions for their children in their divorce.  Some people are able to pull it off - and some.... are not.

However, it's important to keep in mind that these days are fresh and new for *both* El Capitan and myself. Our divorce is barely 6 months old - SIX MONTHS. 

That's really f*cking fresh.

So, we're not going to get everything right.  HE's going to fail and I'm *going* to fail..... or currently - am failing, depending on your perspective.

Of all the things El Capitan would say about me, I know that if he were here, he would tell you that I am honest.  Honest to a fault - honest to a degree that I hold other people to that level of accountability in my life and it has always caused me problems within family and socially. 

I am keenly aware that when most people tell you/me/anyone a story about their life of a situation, they will en-devour to tell you the parts that make them look the best and will often hide the things they do/say wrong in their situation.

Everyone wants to be the hero - the good guy:  the one who did everything right.

No doubt, from El Capitan or Yoga Girls perspective, I am guilty of that here on the blog in their eyes.  Again - I'm more than certain that Yoga Girl wants to see me as the ultimate villain and she is just merely protecting and taking care of the man she "saved" from me and my marriage that lacked intimacy and connection (those are her EXACT WORDS).

However, and perhaps this is totally misguided and I will regret these choices later because this *is* a blog online - people could be lying to me an manipulating me, etc..... BUT  and this butt is bigger than mine:

I am not going to compromise my story, the events of my day - so that I can post shiny happy things on the blog that make me always look like a victim and make El Capitan the 'bad guy'.   I'm not a f*cking saint and I never said I was. 

There are no bad guys - there's a Mother and Father to two wonderful children.  BOTH of them can and *will be* guilty of making bad choices and/or of doing the wrong thing - or doing something they thought was innocent and turned out wrong and bad and hurtful for everyone.

I *always* put that perhaps El Capitan has good intentions - and NO MATTER WHAT - I do feel as thought I honestly convey the possibility (and my desire for) El Capitan to knock it the f*ck off and return his decision making to the father I once knew and adored him to be.

That is a door I *refuse* to close - no matter how many friends and readers and people who have walked in my shoes *tell me * ALL THE TIME - that I should close that door.  That it only serves to hurt me and the children more by leaving it open.

Fair enough.  But I know my children, and they will *always* leave that door open in their little hearts - and IF/WHEN El Capitan actually does that it will be what's best for our children and *I* in spite of the anger and the pain of all the hurt and damage done to me AND the children by him - if the day/days come that that ceases to end and our family can pick up as two happy halves - then I HAVE TO BE OPEN TO THAT.

I won't be open if I closed my heart and the door to that possibility a long time ago.

And me..... not so little, potty mouthed me.  I am not going to get everything right.  I'd be a *fool* to think a judge would believe that.  More to the point....... don't I owe it to the thousands of men and women - and grown *children* who have walked a childhood in my children's shoes - to be honest about what I do - the good and the bad? 

I feel that I do.  I honestly feel like I do.

This blog has always been me:  the good, the bad, the ugly ...... but mostly raw. 

I'm not curing cancer, I don't think I'm super smart, I clearly don't have my sh*t figured out - and obviously I wasn't the worlds best wife on some level, oh and I'm clearly not nailing being a good 'ex-wife' in some regards - and I don't want to mask that.  I don't want to hide that.

Because, aside from the internet and a potential future court room - my actions here and now will affect my children whether I blog about them or not.  Whether I shed light on my mistakes for the world to see and possibly for El Capitan to take advantage of - my children will already have suffered for whatever mistakes I do make - and they remain my primary concern.  I hope that makes sense.

At the end of the day - I believe that El Capitan has no f*cking idea what he's doing either.  Honestly.  I don't think this was some master plan he conceived - I think he had his reasons for wanting out and he didn't address them with me. In spite of that fact that I was literally *begging* him to talk to me.  He kept assuring me everything was "fine" and that I was "crazy".

He set out to contact Yoga Girl and for three weeks they texted like 12 year olds sending each other over 4,000 texts in that amount of time.  He went to her apartment and had sex with her after lying and saying he was going out with friends.  HE ORCHESTRATED my own personal demise and set us all in motion down a road that would lead me me to emotional pain I never known.

I'm not even sure he wanted our marriage to end.

Three weeks - *THREE WEEKS* into his romance with her - he moved out of my house and into her apartment. 

There's not a lot of time for him to consider what being a single Dad will look like.  It's not a lot of time for him to think about how he'll handle things..... and to some degree, small or otherwise, I think that that's a reason he hasn't .

So, I'm not going to take down the posts.  I'm not going to act to anyone that I get it right all the time.  If i make a mistake, my children have already paid the price.  However, in posting those mistakes, many of you will email or comment me with advice and tell me how to better handle a similar situation down the road.

That advice is invaluable to me - and without it, I would not feel as confident when dealing with certain situations down the road. I can read all the books I like, but having people's first world experience to draw fro and learn from is a truly a gift in itself.

IT really is.

I *did not* see the events on Thanksgiving the way Shirley did - but her point of view helped me see where as my children's Mother - I could have handled and done things differently.  It helped me see the role I played in hurting The Boy.  THAT is important.  I can't make better choices - I can't 'protect their innocence' as the books say to - if I never see where I'm going wrong.  If I don't see where improvement with how *I* handle things is needed.

So, that's that.  The posts stay.  Of the many mistakes in my life that I will have to own on my death bed and to my children - being honest about my f*ck ups will not be one of them. 

I hope that makes sense..... oh, and I haven't slept much.  Final phase of writing the book - and I have to say I'm slighlty excited becuase the few people who have read teh first half seemed to really like it.  It won't be perfect, it's certainly not as well writen as most books.... but it's mine and it's the best I c

Well... that turned out to be a sh*te weekend.

I spent most of it mulling over not only the various places in my life/marriage where I went to horribly wrong, but then also with The Boy..... I was really gutted that he had all those thoughts - all his own.  (See Friday's posts).

I tried to talk to him about it.  I told him that I had heard what he said and I asked him why he said he Dad lied all the time.  He said, "Because he does."  Then I asked him for specifics - mostly I was waiting for him to say that either he heard me say that or another adult in his life.  Instead, he started giving me examples of times he saw El Capitan lie to me in front of him.

Oh.  double sh*te. 

He was clear with me that he's disappointed in his Dad, that he feels 'traded in' and 'replaced'.  Though, upon A LOT of thinking - the kids have been watching Toy Story 3 for the last few days leading up to this.  That might seem like a stretch, but if you watch it, it's allllllll about how Woody and co. are being replaced and put away and not played with anymore.  There is a STRONG these of moving on.... so I made sure our copy of that got stashed away behind some happier less serious movies. 

El Capitan *finally* called back late Friday afternoon.  Said he had been sleeping - all day on Thanksgiving.  Said that he didn't get the voice mail until he thought it would be 'too late' to call back because by then we were probably busy with 'family and dinner' and stuff.  He thanked me for having them call him - said it 'made his day', because he was otherwise alone. 

Then I swallowed hard and went on to tell him what I had heard The Boy saying to my brother while I was in the bathroom..... and El Capitan exploded.

He screamed at me that this was my fault. 
That I "fill" The Boy's head with this "sh*t" - that he's just repeating back what I say around him.

Not true.  Really, I have a f*ck ton of stuff I say about Yoga Girl and El Capitan and The Boy has heard none of it.  NONE of it. 

Really... BY THE WAY - *if* I was actually filling my children's head with negative things about their father - then *why* would they still be so excited to see him?  Why would they run to him with open arms and snuggles and happiness when he shows up to take them?

Why.... WHY would the children be so willing got trust him?

Because I assure them ALL THE MOTHER TRUCKING TIME that it's OK to do so!!!!!!!!

That's why. 

From the get-go I have BEGGED over and over and over, BEGGED El Capitan to *talk* to The Boy.  EVERY SINGLE TIME The Boy tells me something about El Capitan or how he feels about El Capitna - i *always* tell him.  EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.  This always get's turned around on me by El Capitan who tells me I'm either making things up to hurt his feelings (waaawaaaa goes the poor baby) - OR - that I'm filling The Boy's head with stuff.

DUDE.  SAC THE F*CK UP AND TALK TO YOUR CHILD.

I'm *telling* you what our child is thinking so that RIGHT NOW you have the chance to help him understand what's happened from YOUR POINT OF VIEW so that *you* can help him through this.

El Capitan however.... NEVER EVER talks to our son.  EVER.  That's his choice.  Not mine.

According to The Boy, who I nicely asked, "Have you shared how you feel with your Dad?" when I was talking to him on Thanksgiving - and he said, "No, every time I want to talk to Dad about it he say's we'll talk about it later."

So, El Capitan yelled and screamed because all I ever do is "say mean things" to him. 

Yup... I *say* mean things to him.

Then I pointed out that I may indeed say mean things to him - like:

"You ruined my life and I will never be able to forgive you."
"You stole every ounce of happiness I had, wrapped a condom around it and f*cked her with it."
"You have broken me in placed I didn't know I could break."
"I hope you never find happiness and that every bad thing in the world that can happen - happens to you - and even then I'm not you'll ever fully understand how much pain you've caused me."

Because.... all he does *is* lie.  He owns a CAR with her.  He lies about that.  He has an APARTMENT - of which is on the freaking lease agreement - and he lies about that.  He wants me to believe - TO THIS DAY - that he and Yoga Girl "don't really talk" because "it's not like that" and that's why he doesn't want the children around her. 

You know it's *impossible* to heal from something when you can NEVER get a freaking foothold - ANYWHERE.  Because you have no truth to stand on - no ending point to the pain and lies from which one could start to accept things and move on.

And I don't freaking understand *why*.... i made this SO EASY for him to walk away. I fought for NOTHING.  The very LEAST I could get in return is honesty.    Right?  

So yes... fed up with the lies and betrayal - yes, I *sometimes* say "mean" things (otherwise known as the truth for the most part) - BUT BUT BUT:

El Capitan DID a mean thing.... he DID a mean thing.
And for that.... he never apologizes.

So.  El Capitan isn't talking to me right now.  BFD.

The Boy... well, he brought up on Sunday that Dad didn't 'answer the phone when we called'. 
So I said what I always say, "I know, and I understand that hurts your feelings.  But he's still your Dad, and sometimes people in your life are going to make choices that hurt your feelings or make you mad - and it's ok for you to still love them, anyway."

To which The Boy say's, "Well, of course I still love him - he's my Dad. I just don't like his girlfriend."
So then I say, "I'm glad you still love your Dad, he loves you too and you don't have to like anyone, but you have to be willing to understand that things change and you might not always be mad at Dad or not like his girlfriend."

The Boy then say's, "I don't want to meet Daddy's girlfriend, because I don't think she would like me."

what?  huh?  oh wait.... a logical conclusion for a seven  year old - Daddy doesn't want me to meet his girlfriend because she won't like me.  Makes sense.  How the HELL did I not see *that* coming?

So then *I* say, "That's crazy talk - Daddy's girlfriend would love you if she met you - just like everybody else who meets you - because you are you perfect and wonderful and silly and she will love all of those things."

The Boy thought about this for a second, then informed me he had to go pee.  Converst

So there you have it.... a prime example of the sh*t I "fill" my kids head with.
Happy Thanksgiving to me.

I posted last night - and woke to up this comment this morning:

11/23/12 07:46AM Shirley said: "That *was* the right thing to do..... right?" No .. I don't believe it was. I hope you don't give me your angry face for saying so but, as I was reading this latest post, I got the feeling the call was more to verify what YOU thought than it was to have the children wish El Capitan a Happy Thanksgiving. He took them to breakfast the day before, so obviously you knew he had plans the day of. You yourself said you figured he'd not answer the phone if you called, so you used the children. So sorry, but it reads to me like you did use your children to verify El Capitan had plans with Yoga Girl. If it had been the children's idea to call daddy, THEN it would have been the right thing to do. I read your posts daily and though my philosophy is not to take sides, I am on YOUR side so I say this with empathy, understanding and support .... Stop with all the machinations. Please Just Stop.

So, I don't have any 'angry face'.... but I do have my, 'huh?' face, that's for sure.

However, re-reading my post I can see there are a few things I could clear up.

In the first place,the 'plans' for Thanksgiving weren't really hard set.  I called him on Tuesday to see if he wanted to see the kids either on Thanksgiving or  before?  He said that he didn't have plans for Thanksgiving - that he would be spending the holiday alone - but that he thought it was 'too complicated' for him to see them on Thanksgiving.  He presented it as though he were doing *me* a favor by not seeing them on thanksgiving. 

So he saw them for breakfast on Wednesday.

At the drop off he had a 'depressed' look on his face and stared at the ground.  He again stated he would be 'alone' on Thanksgiving and thanked me for dropping off the kids.  We didn't talk much, I didn't say anything nasty or start a fight.  I just dropped them off and went to a job.

I have already been warned by an attorney that just by doing the blog alone, I could be reprimanded by our family court judge for 'alienation of a parent'.   That's something that the court takes pretty seriously.  However, I was already knee deep in the blog and I actually *discussed" this advice with El Capitan over email and he confirmed that he doesn't read the blog, doesn't care what it say's - and that he didn't think I should stop writing it.  That the blog wasn't affecting our co-parenting relationship.

However, court is almost always at the back of my mind.  I try to never to be late for drop off/pick up.  I make sure the children are bathed, clean and dressed nice.  I don't *prime* them with nasty comments or things about their Dad. I don't bump them for information when they come home.  All the things they told us in Kids Turn *not* to do - I don't do them.

On that note, it must be said that *if* I have something to say to El Capitan, I just f*cking say it.  Believe me.  I'm not the kind of person who hides behind anyone to communicate anything.  Ever.  I'll just come out and say it. 

I have *never* used the children to call their father so I can jump on the phone to fight or be nasty or say something.  I would say 95% of our conversations to date are about *US*, our lives, working our schedules, , his work, etc.  Very few of them are in depth discussions about the children.  *That* was why I made the decision to stop calling El Capitan in October, because we usually communicate over email when talking about the kids.

In fact, if we *do* talk about something - like a recent doctors visit, etc. I will re-cap that conversation over email, confirming what we decided our next step would be, what action I was supposed to take, etc.  I make sure that everything we decide to do in regards to their well-being, general care or education
are *all* in email format.  I think that that is in both our best interests and it keeps it clean. 

Obviously I've been having a hard time as of late.  Very hard.  El Capitan knows this - by my demeanor, by my mood, and yes, because in the interest of honesty I've told him.  But that's something I've always done.

I have a temper, most people do.  However, I have *always* been one to straight up and will say to someone, "Look - I'm having a sh*tty day - I'm ready to rip someone's head off and go f*cking nuts, so if you don't want it to be you, just say out my way."  I always feel you should be clear and communicate with people so that when you do flip your nut - no one is surprised. lolol

Recently, I have been *clear* with El Capitan that I am struggling - that - lengthy conversations with him, or extra ones - would likely lead to me being upset, saying things and crying - so,..... therefore - avoid long conversations with me right now.

He understands this - and he knows that that kind of 'warning' is something I've always done.  I never did that thing that wives often do where they stomp around the house and expect people to magically figure out why they are upset:  I would state clearly why I was pissed, and it would come with a warning to stay away. 

I want to be *VERY CLEAR* - I thought that the children should call their Dad.  I *did not* think from the outset that he wouldn't answer for *any reason*.  When I said that I "understood" why he might not answer - that's only because I'm trying to see both sides of the coin.

I've made clear I'm struggling lately - so *when* we were making the phone call and it went to voice mail - I *didn't* think "what a douche" -  Instead though.... "I wonder if he thinks it's me calling to yell at him."
Perhaps I was clear enough about that through process.

For clarity:  I did not FIRST think - he won't answer - but we should call anyway.  NOT AT ALL.
My first thought was only that the kids should talk to their Dad on Thanksgiving.  That is all - no machinations, no ulterior plan at all... just a quick conversation and nothing more.

So, understandable why he might not answer the phone.  I assumed - I *hoped* he would hear their message and call them back.

Now.  After reading Shirley's comment and thinking about it..... I realize that you, Shirley have a valid point. 

I believe that Yoga Girl is doing what most college kids do at this time of year and she's gone home to her family which live 6 hours away.   Again - I'm only assuming, I have no idea.  I also do not know what El Capitan's plans were.  May be he was alone?  May be he was with her - trimming a tree in matching sweaters playing romantic Christmas music and making out under recently hung mistletoe.

But, he *said* he was alone.  He *did that* with a  depressed look on his face.  If, from his perspective, I hav3 lead him to believe that he should 'take a bullet' on Thanksgiving by not seeing the children because that would be too hard one me (NOT something I believe I have done) - then..... wouldn't I be a cold, heartless b*tch if I *didn't* have them call their Father?

That's always the scene in the movies right - the other parent, the one not with the kids, being all alone because either they call to talk to their kids and the other parent won't let them talk or the other parent doesn't let the kids call. 

For all the things I've gotten wrong in this process - I've *always* been committed to trying to get it as right as I could when ti comes to the kids and moving them through this process. 

He said he would be alone.  He looked sad about that.  I thought that at the *very least* the children should call him and wish him well on Thanksgiving.  I had no ulterior motive.

Please, trust me when I say - and El Capitan would be the first to agree with this I can promise you:  If I have something to say to El Capitan, nice, nasty or laced with obscenities, I'll just f*cking say it - however I want to.  I will call him, text him, email him - but *I* would communicate to him.  I would NEVER go through the children or friends, or whatever. 

That's just not my style....

However..... when I sit down to think about it all - *I* am the one who set The Boy up for failure yesterday.  I should not have had them call their Dad.  In doing that, I opened the door for The Boy to fill in the blanks as he did - which totally breaks my heart.

To be clear - El Capitan should have called them back.  This is a complicated situation and he should have done the right thing by either answering the phone or calling them back when he heard the message.  PERIOD.  That's my opinion.  Or, he could always call the cell phone that we got for The Boy - by passing me altogether.

I have avoided 'making Daddy' holiday crafts or doing things to.... WOW  holy hell, I just looked up what machinations meant: a cunning plot to a sinister end.

What the hell, Shiriley?  lolol

If I was going to 'plot' something - wouldn't I have driven them to his work, so they could see the empty parking lot?  Would I not have driven the 5 miles to his apartment with Yoga Girl and had the children bring him Thanksgiving dinner - because, remember he said he would be alone?  Sad and alone?

If I was going to manipulate something for a sinister end, I sure as sh*t could have done a lot more than have the children call their Dad to wish him a Happy Thanksgiving.

To that end, I also thought carefully about *when* they should call him.  I knew he would be working until 4 or 5 am to set up for Black Friday.  So calling early was a bad idea - and a rude one and certainly manipulative.  I chose 12ish because that should be after he was waking up and *before* going to a friends house or meeting people for Thanksgiving dinner.

Right? 

So... yeah.  not a lot 'machinations' on my end.  The whole line "Please Just Stop"..... is interesting to me - why are you pleading?  That's ... .interesting.

It was a phone call - one that millions of divorced parents no doubt had their kids make  - I put thought into the *time* they should call, but.... like, it's a holiday - it's bad enough the kids aren't *with* both parents, shouldn't they at least be able to talk to both parents?

Would it not be more manipulative to carry on with the day with no regard for their Father - no regard for their desire to talk to their Father?  Sure, the Boy understands *a lot* but he still loves his Dad.  Period. He actually asked The Bubbie the day before if their Dad could come over for Thanksgiving dinner, so I knew that their Dad was on his mind.

My *intentions* were good... I can assure you.  I would *never* use the children as a means to get to El Capitan - if *I* have something to say to him, I'll just come right out and say it.  PERIOD. Done. 

What I could have done, however, is pre-set up a time for the kids to call him.  I think that going forward, I will do that.  The out come yesterday, for The Boy - was not a favorable one.  NOT ONE I would have wanted and frankly - I was *stunned* to hear through a *closed* bathroom door that that was how he was processing it.
Again - I said *nothing*.  Either during the phone call, after the phone call - whatever.  I didn't hang the phone up angry and I didn't not have my 'angry face' on.  Nothing.  How The Boy interprets an event and explains it to himself is quite simply just how *he's* doing it.

A call to the counselor has already been made to discuss that, believe me.

However...... no matter how many books I read or friends I talk to.... it seems like it's almost *impossible* to get this situation right.   I hate that.  I *really* hate that.

Yesterdays post wasn't so much about me or El Capitan - but it was more about how The Boy is processing things - how he process's them *away* from me.    Yes, I think El Capitan could've have called them back - an error on his part.

But, for my end - what choices do I have? 

If I *dont* have the kids call their Dad - because let's face it, they are too young to think about using the phone or sending an email on their own, so that's my job to do that part - then I'm "that b*tch" who "won't even let him talk to his kids on a holiday." 

Instead, I put my own personal feelings about the day aside and planned a time for them to call their Dad because I *really did* think it was the right thing to do.  Obviously, I feel differently about that choice now.

However..... I want to be clear:  no machinations here.  NONE.  They have called him on other days for other reasons where they left a message and he called back a few minutes later.  I had no reasonable right to assume that if he didn't answer that he wouldn't do what he's done before and called them back.

The message was sweet - two kids saying Happy Thanksgiving.  For my part I *Very nicely* and NOT with my 'angry face' said, "We hope you have a nice day!"  and say good bye.  That was all. 

So. for clarity.  I'm not afraid of anything other than failing my children.  I'm not afraid of El Capitan, or talking to El Capitan, I never hold back if I have something to say to him.  PERIOD.  I'm not afraid of Yoga Girl either.... but I have talked to her in the past and it proved to be pointless. 

I would not use the children to machinate anything.  EVER. 

Honestly... Shirley - after all these months, you think I would use the kids to get to El Capitan?  Have I really given you the impression that I'm timid or afraid to confront someone about anything?  I hope not.

Because I'm not that person.  I recently had a 55 minute phone call with the Guest Services line at Disney because the store manager pissed me off and didn't do her job.... needless to say - after my experience was 'less than magical' - I was clear about A) where the store manager went wrong and B) how she could have handled the situation and the customer differently for a positive/magical outcome. 

I'm not afraid to tell El Captain anything.  PERIOD. 

However..... I thank you Shirley, for bringing what I did wrong yesterday to light.  I should not have had the children call their Dad at an unspecified time.  It opened the door for him to fail them - and The Boy walked right through it.  That *was NOT* my intention - it was just a f*cking phone call for crying out loud...... BUT.  regardless, I have to accept that *that* was the end result. 

We failed The Boy.  That outcome is not acceptable regardless of we got there. 
And the black cloud get's bigger...... *sigh*.

****** THIS POST HAS AN EDIT RIGHT ABOVE IT********
I would love to post that today was full of love and laughter.

But it wasn't.

The kids were happy.... though I'm sure the black cloud that currently engulfs me was throwing a few dark shadows on their usually bubbly exteriors.  Crap.

El Capitan took the kids for breakfast yesterday -  I asked if he wanted to see them for a while today instead, but he thought it might be too "complicated".  No sh*t sherlock... this entire situation is freaking 'complicated'.  I have to wonder if what he *meant* to say was, "my day is already planned and running out to see my kids for a few hours on a National Holiday will crimp my style....." 

So off to Shari's for breakfast they go.

Today I said nothing.  I made no mention of their father, good or bad.  I tried to keep my own personal issue's with the day to myself.  Around 12:30 I thought that the children should call their father and wish him Happy Thanksgiving. 

That *was* the right thing to do..... right?

So The Girl is holding the phone - saying, "Hello, Daddy?!?!?  Daddy!?!?!!" - except the line is still just ringing and ringing........... and ringing.

Surprise.  We get sent to voice mail.  Shocker.

So The Girl tells Daddy 'Happy Tanksgiving' and The Boy does the same - and tells his Dad how much he loves him and he hopes that he had a good day.

I take the phone and wish him well and hang up.  No sarcasm, no snotty tone... just nice old, plain Jane 'called to with you a Happy Turkey Day."

I was up until after 4am blogging and writing - I'm nearly to 40K words.... so, that's pretty exciting.  But, I didn't get much sleep and I was supposed to clean the house, so we hung up the phone and I hurried off to finish cleaning and running the vacuum.

My brother, his wife and their new baby arrive - the children are sooooo excited!  I finish the last bit of cleaning and head off to the main bathroom to get ready for the day and that's when my day already goes to sh*t.

I'm in the bathroom, door closed, and I hear The Boy say this:

"You know what Uncle XXXXX, we called Daddy today for Thanksgiving...... but he didn't answer.  We just got his voice mail."

"Oh," replies my brother, "That was nice of you."

"Yeah," say's The Boy, "but he didn't answer his phone - you know - because he's always say's he working, but he's really spending the day with his girlfriend or whatever and not with us.  So .... we just left him a message."

Without even being in the room, I can tell my brother is seriously uncomfortable.  I don't blame him... but - *I* said *nothing* to The Boy OR The Girl this morning - NOTHING.  I actually thought the phone call had gone rather well.....

"How does that make you feel?"  my brother asked.

"Pretty bad.... because it hurts my feelings.  Daddy shouldn't have a girlfriend, that's wrong."  The Boy said.

"Yes," replied my brother, "it is wrong."

"Yeah.... and he lies a lot to Mommy.  It's bad to lie. He makes Mommy mad and she yells at him... but she should be mad at him because he lies to us all the time."  stated The Boy.
"Mommy gives Daddy her angry face a lot - which is a smile, but it's her angry one."

"Yes," said my brother, "I've seen that face."

Then The Boy jumped down from the bar stool and walked off to play with The Girl.

F*ck, f*ck, f*ckity f*ck.

For the record:  I DID NOT PLANT ANY SEEDS.

This is the first time The Boy had seen my brother in several months and it was more like The Boy was just 'catching' up with his Uncle, filling him in on his life.

Today is PERFECT example of how nearly freaking *impossible* it is for me to "keep the children innocent" as the books recommend.  The Boy is S.M.A.R.T.  He's intuitive and kind and compassionate.  He's a thinker and a feeler and REALLY good communicator - he always has been.

I said *nothing* - I indicated *nothing*- I didn't enact my 'angry face' while we were leaving the voice mail.  I actually *expected* to get a voice mail because he was no doubt wondering if it was just *me* calling to scream at him about being a dumb ass who ruined my life.

Understandable if it *was* me doing that.... so *understandable* if he's thinking that that's why I'm calling and doesn't want to ruin his day by answering.... however - once he listens to the voice mail and *see's* is the children calling and *not* me - shouldn't he call back?

*If* he had called back.... then The Boy's interpretation of the events and the voice mail would be *very* different.  Dad would have called back and The Boy would not have processed it all the way he did.

I try to *never* say to the children, "Daddy doesn't do XXXXXXX because he's with his girlfriend."

That's a conclusion that The Boy has reached all on his own... and it breaks my dammed heart. 

It's so painful to hear The Boy talk like that.  I'm sure on some level I should be happy - right?  Because it shows that The Boy see's his father as a liar and someone who is going to let him down - and he get's it that Mommy is doing the best she can - but met with lies all the time - it's hard.  He understand *why* I'm mad.

The Boy *understands* why Mommy get's mad.

Wow.  That just sucks.  That sucks so bad on so many freaking levels..... so. many. levels.

So then it's all tears in the bathroom because where have *I* gone wrong that The Boy see's so much of this co clearly.... where have I failed to shield him from this? 

Like... when they come back with their Dad who tells *me* that they had a great time, they played and had fun... but as soon as we're in the car The Boy will say, "Daddy spent most of his time tapping on his phone."

See - *not* my shield to create.  *Not* my shield to hold... because I can't. I'm not the one doing this.

So that was my Thanksgiving.  hoo-freaking-rah.

I guess I'm thankful for a Boy who is kind, who understands what honesty is and the importance of *being* honest.  I'm thankful for a Boy who is compassionate enough to show his own Mother a level of understanding for her pain (and no doubt mistakes she will make in this process) and is able to show her forgiveness for anger.  I am thankful that The Boy is amazing.

Pure, wonderful, amazing. 

I have to remind myself that a diamond is not born, it begins only as carbon that it is put under immense amounts of pressure and fire - and when it rushes to the surface to cool it has becomes a diamond. 

Without the pressure and heat - it would remain as only carbon.

The Boy is a diamond, and today I am thankful that in spite of the pressure and heat, he's still able to shine.

Shine.

It's strange to me how it was so much easier to be Thankful when I had nothing.....  we lived pay check to pay check and I squeezed nickels out of pennies to makes sure we could do all the things we wanted to do for the kids and give them all the things we wanted them to have.

I had nothing, and yet:  I had everything.

I was so grateful to have a wonderful, loving husband and two wonderful children.  I was grateful to have a home we could live in and two running cars.  Mostly I was just grateful for my life.

This past month I have had my Facebook feeds first fill up with a ton of polictal stuff... yawn.  And then almost immediately, the newsfeeds started filling up with:  Day One, I am thankful for...... INSERT HAPPY HUSBAND, WONDERFUL HUSBAND, PERFECT MARTHA STEWART LIFE HERE.  I don't resent it - I'm happy for my friends that they have not know the kind of emotional turmoil that a divorce will wreak all over your life.  Really, I'm happy for them.

At the same time, I'm a bit jealous, too.  F*ck.  Way jealous.  Some of them are nicer than me, some of them aren't.  Some are more patient than me, and some of them are self-absorbed women who barely see past their own personal needs to attend to that of heir families.  I know that sounds harsh... but *all* have at least one of those friends.......

No matter, it's not about making comparisons.... but as it rolls up and down my feed day after day... it's get's hard to read after a while. 

No one wants me to put:  "I'm thankful that Yoga Girl had a clean snatch and I was spared the complication of an STD."  Having said that, I'm *am* very grateful for that..... a silver lining for sure.

Of course I'm grateful for my kids.... though at my current emotional state I'm beginning to wonder just how grateful they are for me right now.  The Bubbie has been handling them for the most part this week as I've checked out a bit emotionally.  Writing the book is really dragging me through it and FAST. 

Usually the pain and the betrayal of the past come and go like waives that wash over me - when I head a certain song or remember a certain moment in time.  I can process it and move forward with the day - leaving the bitterness where it belongs:  in the past.

Writing the book though, has me *living* in the past right now.  Living in the joy and love of what I once had.... making it so tangible and real that I have to keep reminding myself that's gone.  Then I'm left to feel the pain over and over and over again.  I'm having a hard time concealing that pain from the people in my life - my faily, my friends, and yes..... mostly likely, the children.

Big fat Mommy fail.

The only reprieve I has is Twilight.  Stupid and silly I know - but it's a story so engaging that I can check out, watch it for a few hours and then resume my own pain again.  Silly Edward and his dreamy eyes. lolol

I don't know how many people will read my book... or even buy it.  It certainly won't make me rich, but it's become *really* important to me to finish it.  To tell the whole story - the good, the bad, the ugly - even if I look like a raging, insane, beotch part of the time:  it has to be true.  It has to be as hole and full and honest as I can make it.

Now... good?  Well, that's a whole other debate and you'll all be the judge of that when it get's released in a few weeks. 

Yes, a FEW WEEKS.  How crazy is that?

So here I sit, blogging... I don't know how many blog posts I've written - probably close to 100 or so?  I'd never blogged before starting this (as I'm sure you grammar Nazi's will attest too) - and I'm sure I could have done it better.  Set it up better - I didn't know I was supposed to "tag" every entry so it'll register on Google.  lolol  Oh well.... but the numbers each *day* continue to climb and according to Google Analytics, I have people all over the world *reading* the blog - as far away as Israel, Iran, New Zealand and even Croatia.

Croatia - seriously?  That's a bit mind blowing.

Yes, I am thankful.  I am thankful for clients who have stuck by me through this trying time, and who have been incredibly patient with my turn around times this year.  I am thankful for family who took us in and provided us safety and security.  I am *VERY* thankful for my children.  I am thankful for their continued smiles in the face of my tears.  I am thankful for their hugs when I'm feeling alone.  I am thankful for the decolletage vase The Boy made me for all my flowers he brings me.  (Incidentally, I'm thankful that I figured out how to use the spell checker on Mozilla so that some a-hole won't email me later to tell me I'm stupid and can't spell decolletage.) I'm thankful for The Girl and her recent love of all things Peter Pan.  I'm thankful for their occasional bed wetting, mud-tracking, sibling bickering and scrapes and falls that require Mommy kisses because then I know they still need me.

I'm thankful that in spite of my failures and all that has happened.... the children still love me.  They still need me.

And, without sounding completely tripe and like I'm totally full of sh*t, I'm thankful for you.

I'm thankful for Alex, who sends me very well drafted and thought out emails and blog comments - she doesn't usually agree with me, and often she has hard advice, but I read every word, consider her view point and often take a lot of her advice.  I'm thankful that she spends the time to write to me.

I'm thankful for Mr. XXXXX - otherwise known as Jason, who shared with me his own mistakes and whose answers/excuses for his own situation are sooooo similar to El Capitans, that I can't help but take him at his word when he tells me that what's happened has less to do with me than I realize.  (El Capitan say's this too, but I have a hard time believing him.) 

I'm grateful for Emma who almost stopped reading the blog but stuck around in the end providing me tons of emails and blog comments and has shown me a great kindness and generosity that I am truly grateful for.

I'm thankful for Mercy - who's own life experience she has shared with me and she gives me great hope for my children, that they will stumble through this with me and come out the other side.  That has provided me more comfort than I could ever put into words.

I'm humbled by the amount of people who have written me and called me their "hero" and thanked me for sharing my journey.... I'm no one's hero, I can assure you.  All the same, it's a nice thing for someone to say. 

I'm thankful for all the magnet sales and donations that got us to Disneyland and I'm grateful for the time I had with the kids there - all the magic, all the fun, all the memories we made:  just the three of us.

Mostly though, I'm thankful for the blog in general.  I'm humbled by the very idea that (literally) thousands of people are coming here every week to read what I've posted.  To share in this journey and, most importantly, that I can be *ME*.

Sometimes that's Bitter Me.  Sometimes it's Happy Me.  Sometimes it's Reflective Me that wants Bitter Me to sac up and move the f*ck on.  Reflective Me usually turns into B*tch Me.  Who then sometimes turns right back into Bitter and Scorned Me. 

And.... you just let it happen.  You let it unfold and *be* whatever it is.  You allow me to be whoever I am and in doing that - I'm help to a higher standard.  Or at least, I think I am.  I write what I do *every* day - I write about how I feel, where I've failed, where he's failed, what my struggles are.  But just like I wouldn't want to do something that would forever shame my children, I don't want to do something that I'm not going to be willing to share with the entire planet later that night. 

It's a crazy thing - to be sitting here now.  I've been on TV?!?!?!  What the hell is that about? lolol  I'm writing a book.... !?!?!?!  It's all a little crazy... but crazy good.  Crazy comforting by strangers who have provided me wise and kind words when I was in my darkest hours.

I'm thankful for the blog and for everyone who reads it - I don't make a single *dime* off it, but when I do get from it is worth more than any google ad would ever pay me.  I'm grateful that people find my journey, or the story of my journey - or whatever it is that keeps them coming back every day - but they keep coming back and that's...... amazing.

Thank you for letting me be me. 
Thank you for letting me vent and cry.
Thank you for letting me bitter and angry.
Thank you for celebrating my highs right along with me.
Thanks you.... for not leaving me during my lows.

Thank you for listening and writing and emailing and commenting. 
I  hope that whatever is going on in your life, you have people willing to listen to you as well.

I'm thankful for where I am. 

However.... I would trade it all in to back in time and stop it all from happening.  To go back to my little house, and my happy life where my kids lived..... in one home with two parents who loved them.

And then there's this:

"But no, the very first thing I said to my ex upon "discovery" (as tears streamed down my face) was, "I wanted to grow old with you and play with our grandchildren together". I still tear up thinking about it. I did want to grow old with him. I truly believed he was my life partner and soul mate. I met him when I was 15 and didn't really know life without him. My wise friend Laura looked at me (with tears in her eyes) as I was telling her this and said, "you know Tracy, maybe his purpose in your life was not to grow old with you. Maybe his purpose was to be with you up until this point, and to provide you with two beautiful healthy children. And now his purpose in your life is done. Perhaps the universe is making room for others to come into your life. People who you would never know if this had never happened" WOW! That stunned me. Let that sink in for a minute...it is still sinking in."

I'm thankful that this reader took the time to share her experience with me.  Her words have rung in my ears since I read them..... what if El Capitan wasn't *the one*- he was just the one to get me *here*. 
What if his purpose wasn't to get me to the end of the race... but rather, help me over the hurdles in the first half and then step off the track?  It sure as sh*t sucks running the rest of this race alone.... but, I'm thankful I'm still here... still running.

I'm thankful for this blog, for all the wonderful (and even the not so wonderful few) - people who, by their willingness to share my journey, have helped shaped my perspective and attitude along the way.  It's a wonderful blessing, one I'm not entirely sure I'm worth of.... but I'll gladly accept it.

Thank you.

I hope you have a wone

Man... tonight is a rough one.

I'm still writting... over 30K words now.... I hope it's worth it.  I was digging around looking for things from the past and whatnot and came across this letter I wrote to The Boy:

November 27, 2005

Dear Boy,


By now I’m sure you know how I’m a lousy Mom when it comes to writing things down and stuff… although by the time you read this I may have improved with age… but I doubt it!  J


Today you stood up on your own!  I can hardly believe how fast you are growing up – and how fast you are learning so many new things.  Every day is an adventure!  I am so lucky to be your Mom, I hope you know that – I hope I have spent my life making sure you know that.  If not, I have totally failed you.  You are so amazing, so inspiring and so wonderful.  You’re never really ever fussy, or hard to handle, you are such a joy.

Today you were crawling all over the floor and you were laughing this giant toothy grin, like my very own pale pink jack-o-lantern.  Your left hand clutched this slobbery block, the fancy kind that Bubbie got you, and you raised yourself up and took one little wobbly step towards me with your right hand stretched out onto my arm.  Your whole body shook and waved like a drunken sailor, and you were just laughing away and shrieking away.  Your little eyes sparkled and lit up when I started clapping and yelling “yeahhh…..”.  That’s our little sign, me and you, I open my hands real wide and I start saying…” yyyyyyyyeeeeeeaaaaaaahhhhhh……” and I say it faster as I go and then I start clapping as fast as I can and you just love it, it makes you shriek and shake and laugh all at once.  Your favorite song is still “Twinkle, Twinkle” and now we’ve added “Three Little Speckled Frogs, which goes:  “three little speckled frogs, sitting on a hollowed log, eating the most delicious bugs.  One jumped into the pool, where it was nice and cool, now there are two little frogs… etc – until you get to the last frog.

This week you’ve been up a lot, but that’s my fault because I was so busy with the bridal show and we were all staying up waaaay too late, so I think your little body clock is a touch off – sorry little man!  The night of Thanksgiving you were up until after 2 AM, and I had to get up to take Daddy to work at 4Am, so you and I  had about an hour of sleep!  Then you and I braved the crowds for shopping on Black Friday.  You were a little joy squealing all the way through Target as I shopped for all the Dvd’s Daddy wanted!  Everyone stopped to smile and wave at you – because you are just so … you’re like this little light that the whole world wants to stop and share for just a moment.  Really- it’s the coolest thing.

We’re still co-sleeping with you, though most people tell me that by now I should have you in you own crib.  It’s just so hard.  There really is nothing better than waking up to you in the morning.  You have the sweetest little sleepy smile.  First you look around with your eyes, all dark and curious, then you’ll twist your head around to look up at me, and then you’ll smile, and usually you grab at your feet with your little hands.  Daddy & I always try to sing “Good Morning” to you – which always makes you smile.  Do you know that in ten+ months you have never woken up in the morning by crying! Really, you are just the worlds coolest baby.

Mostly, I just love being your Mom, I don’t believe in being tired or anything.  Every minute I have with you is a blessing and a joy – even when you keep me up all night, I’m never sorry because it’s YOU and I can never spend enough time with you regardless of the time of day.  I just love being with you.

Right now I can see your little face.  You still have your baby face, but I noticed the other day it was starting to change just ever so slightly, and you’re starting to look like a little boy now, instead of just a beautiful baby.  You’re getting so much character – and HAIR!!! I’m hoping to give you your first haircut by your birthday, but we’ll see.

But there you are on your Daddy’s shoulder, sleeping all sound, so I should probably go get ready for bed and then you can really sleep.

Mommy just wanted you to know how very much I love you and how very much I’m in love with you – from your perfectly shaped head to little pink and ticklish toes… I love every last bit of you.

**************************************

I do suck at writing things down... rather ironic statement now, I know.  But, I'm so glad I did, at least on occasion capture the life we had.  It'll be there to help us all down the road......

I'm still hard at work on the book (not hard enough - as my editor reads the blog, too... lolol)

Living in the past is proving to be emotionally challenging in ways I never dreamed.  I'm trying to write from the truth, not a twisted version of it.  It's hard to go back and re-live in my heart and through my words - where it all began and how we once were.... so, still in my funk, instead of writing a bunch of tortured stuff, I thought I would share a piece of our past.

In 2009 there was a 'note' thing running around Facebook where people would fill out 25 random things about themselves... I leave you tonight with the ORIGINAL note that I wrote when it was sent to me.  I have only changed the names to reflect the ones people have on the blog:

25 Random Things About Me Share
Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

(To do this, go to “notes” under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your 25 random things, tag 25 people (in the right hand corner of the app) then click publish.)

1) I'm not very interesting, and while I was writing this, I found myself having more to say about my husband so... never mind me this is now :

24 RANDOM THINGS ABOUT MY HUSBAND

2) My husband is 4 years younger than me - and when he's super skinny he looks a lot like Aston Kutcher.

3) When he's not so super skinny (because we got a car and he stopped taking the MAX! LOL) he gets told he looks like Vince Vaughn all the time.

4) El Capitan married me after knowing me for only 3.5 weeks. He used ALL of his savings at the time ($165) to buy me a little diamond ring, got down on one knee at Spaghetti Factory and we hit the courthouse the following Thursday.

5) He's a better man than I deserve.

6) He's a better father than I am a mother... at least I feel that way sometimes.

7) He loves it that we still co-sleep with The Boy. Some nights he complains that I'm hogging all the snuggles - and he pulls The Boy over to his side.

8) He taught our son to "shake" at the end of peeing like a "real man" - when Mommy was trying to emphasize using toilet paper! LOL

9) Every night El Capitan comes home and plays with The Boy for hours until the boy settles down for bed.

10) He puts our son first everyday - before he eats, or showers or relaxes from a day at work - he's ready to play the second he comes in the door!

11) El Capitan LOVES all things Nintendo - we own over 2,000 video games. We have almost the ENTIRE collection original Nintendo games including every system they ever made.

12) El Capitan and The Boy play MEga-man on the wii - and The Boy loves to name all the characters they beat.

13) El Capitan works really hard at his job to get our family closer to our ultimate goal of my being able to stay home full time.

14) El Capitan didn't complain once when I nursed The Boy until he was 3 years old.

15) El Capitan has NEVER - in 7 years of marriage - complained that the house was a mess, that the dishes weren't done, or that he didn't have clean laundry.

16) If El Capitan comes home and the house is a mess, the dishes are in the sink and I'm crazy with work - he cleans the living room, does the dishes and then plays with The Boy all without a single negative word... and that pretty much happens every day! LOL

17) He's my hero.

18) He threw up on me the first night we met... and somehow I still fell in love with him - puke and all! (He hasn't thrown up on me since!)

19) He loves my family as much as I do.

20) He's leaving right now - at 11 PM - after working a 10 hour day to get me some oranges from the grocery store because I'm having crazy pregnant cravings.

21) El Capitan never questions how much money I spend on baby clothes, or house stuff... or anything for that matter. We never make more than a $100 single purchase without talking to each other first!

22) El Capitan lost his mother to Anorexia when he was 17 yrs. old. It breaks my hear that she is not here to see the man she raised.

23) El Capitan is VERY close to my Mom. They are like two peas in a pod and get in trouble together all the time.

24) We've been slowing paying off all our debts - and in spite of his not so huge salary as a manager is in retail, we've paid off.... just over $15,000 in debt - including our school loans - in the last few years, because El Capitan brown bags it to work, used to walk to work and use the MAX, and has made every sacrifice he could to further our family.

25) Marrying El Capitan was the best decision I ever made. I'm not half the wife he deserves, but he never complains, never asks me to change, and if you ask him... he'd tell you he's happily married!

So.... really the most interesting, random and wonderful part of me is El Capitan - because without him I have nothing - no home, no adorable son, no baby on the way..... who makes me want oranges at midnight! LOL

*************************************
and yet...... here we are.  I'm feeling a bit tortured this week.... I think it has to do with going so far back into the beginning  when it was good and I was happy... may be moving through this will help me move past this when I'm done with he writing.  Feck.... I don't want to think bout how good it was.  I don't' want to go back know that we'll never be back there again.... but, then I worry if I don't do this now - if I don't save this *now* and write it all down right now... a few more years of the current shenanigans and I won't remember at all - and then I won't ever be able to tell the kids how wonderful and amazing and brilliant our lives *were*. 
True.... they right get there again... but not with us as a whole family unit. 
It hurts... but I think it'll be worth it.

Thanks for hanging in there with me.

I feel like I need to apologize.... I know that the blog has been a little less "we're gonna' make it!" and a little more.... how the f*ck did this happen?

It's not that I'm not trying - *really*, it's not.  I got an email from a well-meaning friend and it suggested that I "tuck it in" and move on -..... I wish it were that easy. 

God, how I wish it were that easy.

The holidays are coming... and I find myself dreading them.  It's selfish and wrong... think of all the woman who *want* children and can't have them - or who have buried their own.... and here I sit, dreading the coming days.  It's wrong and selfish and I feel terribly about it.

Then I realize it's just one more thing to feel terrible about. lol

Right now I'm writing the book... I'm actually on a short deadline now - not much longer to go.  The ISBN has been ordered and I have to be finished in the coming days.

It's really strange to be "writing a book".  Really.  I'm most certainly not qualified to be doing it - I feel a bit self conscience about even doing it.  Honestly.  While I do not think my writing style is good enough (and thank God for having an editor who fixes everything - like grammar and spelling!).

However.... how many times in my life is someone going to ask me if I want to write a book?  Right?
How kind of awesome is the idea of having a registered, official ISBN with my name on it?
Pretty freaking awesome.... so, I couldn't really pass it up, concerns about my actual writing abilities aside.

I've finished the first.... four or five chapters, which is around 20,000 words - which isn't too shabby, but is a far cry from where I need to be.

The hardest part though is writting, truthfully, about how it *was* because..... it was good.  It was amazing... I was blissfully happy and truly thought that I had found my Edward, so to speak..... right up until El Capitan became someone else's Edward.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about that lately, probably too much thinking, truth be told.  But, there I was - believing in this man - all he could, all he did for us - how hard he worked... how *lucky* I was to have him in my life.  How lucky I was that he loved ME - that he was married to ME.

I really, felt.... blessed.

Going back to the early days - thinking about him it bring me right back to the moments of our first kiss where my entire body ached to be near him in the days/weeks/months that followed.  Right up until the night he left - I never liked being away from him.  It was never about control, or wanting to "control" him - it was just about always wanting to be near him, be around him. 

I never tired of him, or his stupid jokes.  El Capitan is the *king* of dumb jokes - a bit of a schtick he's always done.... and you would think that over time I would bore of them - find them and the man telling them: annoying.  But I never did.

I never did.  What a fool i was.

We talked on Saturday after he saw the kids - he asked me how the book was going.  I reminded him that he needs to send me an email confirming he knows I'm writing the book, that he supports it, etc.

He say's I have "carte' blanch" to write whatever I want.  I think he knows that i won't cross certain lines.

He asked me how the book was coming along and I told him where I was at in our timeline - I told him.  I told him a few of the stories in the book - he laughing and remembering it - he said it sounded like just how it was.

Then I asked him the question I have been longing to ask him for weeks:  Was it all real?  Was i wrong - was it all in my head, for ten years?  Did he ever love me the way I thought he did?

Did we love each other the way I thought we did?

He waited a second, his voice broke a little and he said, "It was real.  It was all real - I loved you more than anything."

I almost stopped breathing, then I said, "I just ... I thought that I had found my 'Edward' - my soul mate ... and now - Yoga Girl thinks that you're *her* Edward... and I just don't know where it all went wrong."

All he could say was.....  "I know... I know she does."

With that, I had to hang up.  I just couldn't talk anymore.

So that's where I'm am.... just kind of raw, lately.  Trying to write about where we started and being honest about - not twisting it into something it wasn't - either good or bad.  There were a lot of friends and family who were there - so if i get it wrong, for any reason, they'll know.  Mostly though... I know the kids will read it one day - and I want to make sure I get it right for them. 

Mostly, though, I'm just raw.

I think about how much longer I'll feel this way.... and, I have to admit, I'm a little envious.  Knowing how much I loved him, how intense our feelings were - that's.... rare.  You don't always get that kind of passion in your life - and to lose it.... no - not *just* lose it - but lose it to someone else.... it's cruel.

This week is Thanksgiving, and i know I have a lot to be grateful for.  A lot.  But the rawness of the loss is still just too new, too fresh..... I haven't even been divorced for 6 full months, and we have barely been broken up for 6 months.  What a mind f*ck that is to think about.....

LeAnn Rimes is still waxing on about how awful it's been for her to steal someone else's husband YEARS AGO.... I sure as sh*t hope I'm not still whining about El Capitan in two years.