This is the first year that I have had to carve the pumpkins - I would like to say the El Capitan did them... but the truth is, he hated doing them, so in the end we would just use the "mr. potatoe head' kind of things and we would make one a pirate and one a princess...... you just shove the parts into the uncarved pumkin.

He always had to work on Halloween during the day, and he was tired, etc..... his hands hurt/it's a pain in the ass/ etc...... but not this year!!!!  This year, we picked out own pumpkins at the patch, and today we washed, scooped out and carved them on our own!!!!

The Boy took a very long time to choose the face he wanted carved - The Girl went with Kitty almost immediately.  Then Bubbie and and I set about doing the cutting and carving.  I admit, my hands were tired.... lol.  But, The Boy was so stinkin' excited - he was bouncing around the house and clapping and getting all excited.  I was pretty proud of the finished products - not too shabby for my first attempt on my own.

Then we had to decorate the outside of the house - most of the blow up guys are ones I've collected over the years, but - shockingly, the giant 'Casper' ghost and the ghoul on the pumpkin are both over 9ft and were only $12 from Walgreens!!!!!! 

Earlier in the day I got a call from El Capitan.  I was dreading this call on two accounts, in the first place - we hadn't talked since I saw him after the Jamba Juice fiasco on Saturday.  Second..... while he missed the last three holidays (his birthday, July 4th and Fathers Day - none of which he saw the kids for) *this* holiday has always been a big one for The Boy.  I was *sure* he would call and want to see them.

I had already decided that I would invite him out to Trick or Treat with us - for at least part of the way.  YES, I can already hear several of you shaking your heads...... it's not about 'being too nice' or 'keeping El Capitan in my mitts'..... I just figure that the kids would love to see him and go door to door with him and ask angry as he makes me - if he asked what our plans were, or asked to be apart of them, then  I would extend the offer.

So he called and he was really upset.... there have been a few shocking employment changes by some of his closest friends (and by that I mean - you always have 'friends' at work - but may be not hang around outside work)..... which - now that Yoga Girl is back at college.... he might be feeling a bit lonely with life picking up and some of his work friends leaving......

The Boy and I were out shopping getting a few things for Halloween when he called.  He was angry and very emotional and upset..... tired of work. Tired in general.  I was nice...... I listened to what he said with a friendly ear - I even held back from asking him why he wasn't calling Yoga Girl to discuss his problems.

As I rounded the corner from muffins to cakes at Costco, I considered pointing out to El Capitan that he fired me from this job 6 months ago and that if he wants a shoulder to cry on.... mine was sent out to pasture a ong time ago.

But I didn't.

I just listened, gave him the same kind of solid advice and support I would have given him eight months ago and then I reminded him it was Halloween..... I waited for him to ask about our plans, but he didn't.

The Boy and I went back to shopping and loaded up the car.  After a while I felt bad.... so I tried to call El Capitan back.  No answer.  I called two more times.  No answer.

I was surprised... but not in a good way.  I thought for sure if he were looking for an invitation to join us, then he would answer the phone.... but he didn't.

I was preparing myself for standing in the cold, making small talk and smiling through it all.... so that the kids could have us both there and be happy.  That's what it's all about right... Happy Halloween.

But. He didn't answer.  He didn't call back.

So, selfishly, I was happy because now I could just actually enjoy the holiday for a change.  I wouldn't have to hear about how tired he was, or watch him check his phone every 2 mintues because "so-and-so needs help with this" or, "XXXX can't figure out how to close the store....".

Instead, it was just me and Blow-Up Guy and little Minnie Mouse.  It was just me getting to hold their chubby little hands.  It was just me getting to watch them run along the sidewalk, slipping just a little on the wet leaves.  It was just me getting to watch them ring the doorbells and fight over whose turn it was to knock on the next door.  It was just me getting to see their smiling faces running back down the driveway to show me their latest haul.

It was just me getting to watch them say, "twick or tweeeeeeeet?" and then after getting his loot, The Boy would turn around, bend over and say, "check out my underpants" - as the 'fat man' suit has a butt crack built into it.  He finds this hilarious.... and thankfully, everyone else did, too. I'm not sure what made him more happy - the candy?  Or, all the people saying to him, "THAT is the *best* costume ever!"

And Me.......?  Well, I'm going to be honest:  I was LOVING it.  Pure and simple.  My heart ached a little because not only was El Capitan not there to share in their joy, but... because he didn't appear to *want* to be apart of it.  I'm not sure what he tells his friends... if he's anything like his brother, he's telling people I keep him away from the kids.  I watched all that go down with him and my SIL. 

But, I called, he didn't answer.  He didn't call back.

The good news is, for once - *I* didn't care... for me anyway.  I didn't care.  I wasn't feeling lonely or sad or the usual feelings I have a 'scorned wife'.... in fact, once we were done carving - I didn't really think about him at all.  I was too busy having fun with the kids.... too busy to think about Yoga Girl and whatever party they were most likely at.

Sadly..... and it didn't occur to me until we got home... but the kids actually didn't even ask about him.  I'm actually shocked by that.  Neither of them asked about Daddy or asked to see Daddy.... not one time.

On the one hand, I'm thrilled to see that may be just the three of us can be enough for them.  I know that I can't 'replace' El Capitan, or 'fill his roll' in this family - nor should I even try to... but sometimes, it's hard when I'm busting my ass and doing things with them and then they either ask about him or ask to have him there. 

So for me, it's nice that we did something on our own and.... *I* was enough for them.

However, it pains me that they didn't ask for him.  I wish that wasn't something they were 'getting used to'.  I wish....... well, I wish things were different, but they aren't, and I can't make them that way.

So, I faced down my first 'big' family holiday alone - and I survived!  Not only that... but we thrived!  We had a GREAT time..... we ran in the rain, collected the candy and sang along to Will Smiths 'Nightmare on My Street' parody as we drove around to get one last glimpse at The Boy's favorite houses. 

I actually had to choke back the tears as we left our favorite house - it's the one we always save for last.   They go all out - every year.  They hang they witches in the tree's and suspend tons of them in mid-air!  It's amazing.  We usually go every day that they have stuff up leading up to Halloween - so the family there knows The Boy by name.... so this year after we trick or treated at their place and The Girl gave our her usual snuggles, we held hands to cross the street.

The Boy called out, "See you next year Halloween House!!!!!!"

My hand to G*d, I got a bit misty eyed when I realized that it truly *has* been a Happy Halloween - no faking or pretending or thinking about them..... just us - and we were happy..... I hope your Halloween was happy, too.

The Boy LOVES Halloween.  And, of course, when I say LOVE I mean that he lives, eats, breathes, dreams and thinks... for MONTHS about nothing but Halloween. 

Knowing this, you would think that I would have my sh*t together and the house would be decorated all cute and I would be putting my very best 'Martha Stewart' forward.... but sadly, that's just not the case.

Today I demonstrated my amazing Mother of The Year skillz by *finally* taking the kids to a pumpkin patch.  There are only like... a dozen really great pumpkin patches located within 5 miles of my home... but today - in the rain, was the first time we actually went to one of them.

Oh... and as you'll notice, I have yet to buy The Boy a new pair of rubber boots and The Girl is wearing her beloved pair of Peppa Pig boots that were sent over by the everawesome Lashla nearly two years ago.  They are nearly three sizes too small... but she stuff her little toes in them anyway.  lol

Of course, the nice thing about going to a pumpkin patch in the rain is that almost no one else was there.  We've been to the Roloff Farm in the past (that's just a few miles up the road from where we live) but they are only open Friday-Sunday.  So we went to Baggenstos instead - which is a few miles in the opposite direction.

They have a playground and a hay maze and a hay ride - and honestly - they had really, really nice pumpkins, too.  Still all plump and round and fresh looking.  The Girl picked out her pumpkin fast, running in and out of the pumpkins, zigging and zagging until she found the 'biggest' one she could carry. 

The Boy took a little longer, he wavered between the biggest one to the smallest ones.... eventually, he chose a big one.  I grabbed a nice round one and then we lined them up and waited for the Hay ride to come back around and pick us up.

The rain was coming down, but we didn't mind...... which - was a little bit comforting.  Standing in the rain, me in my pink ballet crocs, The Boy in his green grocs and The Girl in her everholy Peppa boots - somewhat prepared with coats and hoods, and somewhat exposed to the muddy elements.... and yet:  we were content.

Actually, we were more than content.  We were HAPPY.

We were laughing and yelling and the kids were jumping up and down in the mud.  There was mud all over them and me and our poor, round, fresh looking pumpkins.... and I guess I forgot to get mad?

I forgot to be worried about the muddy clothes and what that would mean when I put them back in their car seats.  I forgot about how the mud would squish between my toes and feel yucky.... I wasn't pretending' either.... like - trying to let it go because I'm 'the cool' Mom or whatever.

I just didn't care.  The mud, the rain, the clothes.... it's all superficial stuff.  It can be rinsed out and sprayed with shout and washed clean again.  We just stood out there in the rain, having a fantastic time.

I wasn't thinking about all of this until we were back in the car heading home... and it struck me that (and I almost hate to admit this) but we were happier in that pumpkin patch than we've been in a long time.... even at Disneyland.  It was how life *used* to be.  I used to be 'that' Mom who didn't care about stupid sh*t.  At all.

I didn't own toys I cared about getting broken.... I was the kind of Mom who *wanted* her kids to jump in muddy puddles instead of 'staying clean'.  I think I've forgotten about that lately... wrapped in everything that's gone wrong and in the pain of the loss of it all...... I forgot who I was as MOM.  Damn.  How'd I miss that?

There we were in the rain, only partially prepared and totally exposed.... and still totally happy.

It's a bit of a metaphor for our lives.... the three of us, totally not prepared, totally exposed... and yet:  not happy, still struggling to find our happy place together.  And I think I know where I'm going wrong.

I'm buying all these books and ebooks and reading and reading until I fall asleep every night.  I read the books to *try* to help me/us be more prepared for what's happened, for what's happening and what *will* most likely happen in the future. 

Sometimes, there just aren't enough coats to keep you dry from the rain, or boots thick enough to keep your feet dry... sometimes, you have to stand in the doorway and think to yourself, "Sh*t, this is the last day to go to the pumpkin patch, we're sans boots for The Boy - so it's green crocs or nothing at all.... so crocs, sox and wet feet it is!" 

And just GO.

Just go and laugh in the rain, and don't worry about the mud, even if it gets in your toes and on your clothes.  So long as the mud stay's on the outside.... then it's easier to laugh, knowing you can wash them later.

I think that by constantly being worried about our 'outsides' and trying to 'prepare' - which I'm learning that there's no way to prepare, no way to truly keep the 'emotional mud' and pain away from us.  And may be I shouldn't be so worried about that.... may be I should just focus more on finding new ways to laugh .... just like today - even when I'm standing in the mud and rain.

The kids don't care if life get's a little muddy, if we're all soaked to the bone - so long as we're together.  So long as we're laughing and having fun.

May be I'm drawing too much attention - in my attempts to 'protect' and/or 'prepare' us, - to the 'emotional' rain and making things worse.... drenching us - or even drowning us - in that pain.  I'm not saying I'm to blame for the fact that it's raining, so to speak, but the truth is that it's my fault that we're not laughing and making the best of the rain.

Time to get our laugh on.... I'm usually pretty good at that....

When we got home, I unloaded our pumpkins and put them on the porch, all lined up, ready to clean and carve.  I noticed that instead of being the usual various sizes - big, medium, small and tiny - as we would get them when we were a family of four - this year all of the pumpkins are the same size. 

It was accidental - each of us picked out our own and I didn't notice that they were all one size until I got them home.  But there they were, all lined up:  equal.  Like us.

Sometimes, you just run out the door in your crocs expecting to get wet, buy a pumpkin and come home... instead, you find yourself rethinking your entire outlook on something while standing in the rain with muddy toes.  Time to stop caring about the mud, and the rain and the clothes - the 'superficial' of things and focus on the inside's - the love, the laughter and stop giving a sh*t about the things I can't change. 

Instead of going to the pumpkin patch on all those sunny days before today, we were there, in the rain.... but like I said, Oregonians do it better in the rain. 

Today was a long day... may be it's just me, but I can't help but feel anxious for people living on the East Coast and in NYC.... reading status updates from friends or friends of friends... it's just a bit scary.  I feel like someone is going to post a picture of Tom Cruise running out of the rushing waters on the streets to save the day.....

Really makes my recent stress and the hassle of running to the grocery store in the rain pale by comparison.

I say it all the time - but I really do feel like I've lived a year for every month since the day I found out about Yoga Girl... incidentally, she's back at college now.  Isn't that cute?  I hope she's taking an Ethics class... she *clearly* needs it.  But I digress....

It's crazy to think that only a few months ago I was 'happily' married - though as the hours and days of deep thought go by - my definition of a 'happy' marriage is constantly being redefined and then of course I begin to rethink my own personal definition of happiness. 

My life was good... and hard.  Hard like most other Americans I know.  I would get jealous sometimes, when we would go to a friends for a play date or dinner. Many of my friends have wonderful large homes that are well furnished with style and charm.  But it wasn't the Honda Odyssey that would have me turning green... it was the time. 

Houses full of freshly baked cookies and window sills with the latest and greatest of holiday crafts from PIntrest.  All of that takes time... time I never had.  I could barely keep up with the house (and not very well, I might add), and play dates and pre-school and work. 

I think that that was part of what really ticked me off about the weekend was that I'm sick and tired of hearing about how much El Capitan works.  As though all those days and nights he was working I was.... sitting at home eating bon-bons.  Surely, I have the figure of a woman who lounges about all day stuffing her face with chocolates. 

The truth is I worked just as much as El Capitan.. and now - like most single Moms - I work even more.  My life is filled with things to and things that never get done.... not the least of which is not getting to a gym or cooking a proper meal or doing fun little whimsical crafts  to commemorate the season and add little touches of sweet family memories to my childrens childhood.

That's the part I worry about the most... that their childhood, instead of punctuated by loving memories of a Mom who wore an apron and schooled her children and made their lives happy and whole by leaving sweet notes in their lunch box or carving hearts into the Skippy side of their PB&J sandwich, will instead of a blur of running here and there and hearing the words.... "Hang on - Mommy just has to finish this for a client....".

Insert hung head and sad face here.

My story isn't unlike most other 'single Moms' I'm sure.  I guess for me.... it's just .... I wasn't expecting it.  I was working and running life like a blur as it was - to help keep our heads above water and still be able to go places and do things.

But what things......?  El Capitan would complaining on the weekends about having to go to birthday parties - he would just sit grumpy at a table, often not talking to or trying to connect with other parents.  He would be frustrated by having his 'weekend' planned for him.  By me.  That bothered me then - and it bothers me now.

i would want to go to the Zoo for this exhibit, or the OMSI for something else... but he never wanted to go.  Now though - it's where he runs off to take the kids every weekend.  I find that most amusing... and frustrating at the same time. I'm glad that he's doing things with the kids - but, it's bittersweet that he wasn't interested in doing these things beforehand.

As the holidays roll in - I've started to realize that this Christmas might be a bit hard for me.  I see things on sale - sweaters at Old Navy, etc.. .and I think (before I can stop myself) - 'Oh, El Capitan would like this....'.  Then I have to remind myself that *I* don't need to shop for him anymore... that Yoga Girl will take care of all his Christmas stocking needs.....

Strange.

Still, days later, not a word from El Capitan. No doubt he's read the blog and he's pissed.  That's fine... there's nothing there that wasn't true and a few choice things he said that I left off the blog for his sake...  Of course, he's probably catching up with how The Girl is doing on facebook and such.

It's hard to 'move on' - entirely - when I have to see and talk to him... where these opportunities are created for me being lied to.  I hate it.  I've no warm and fuzzy feelings left for him - as far as being a 'wife' goes.... and as more than a few readers have noticed, I *do* still hold a torch as my children's Mother that their Father will pull his head out of the Yoga Girl's Pandora's Box long enough to repair the damage that's been done and move on in the manner that they deserve.

In the meantime, I'm still just running.  Trying to figure out how on the earth I'm going to support us... this is becoming a *huge* issue for me to try to digest.  I really don't have any clue how I'm going to put a roof over our heads and provide for the children long term..... The idea of not being at home with them - of having to send them off to day care (which yes I *know* millions of good, wonderful Mother's do every day!) - it just.... wasn't in my Dr. Sears Attachment-Parenting plan. 

And frankly... I resent like hell that fact that it's being taken away from me. 

My dreamy days of aprons and baking and arts and crafts time is becoming an impossibility.  Which is crushing.... yet one more thing I'll fail at as a Mother.  Lately... that list seems to be growing leaps and bounds no matter what I do or what I say..... you only get *one* chance to get it right.  One chance to make a childhood... and every day that passes full of anger and lies and Jamba Juice lies.... is another day of not getting it right.

I just want to get it right.  I didn't get being married right.... I didn't get being a wife right... that much is clear, so now I'm tasked with getting this whole 'two-households'/one happy family thing right.  I can read all the books I want, talk to as many therapists as I can... bend the ear of every friend who wants to listen... but at the end of the day the only thing that matters is that I get it: RIGHT.

I sure as shit wish I could stop going left.............

Do you ever have a day where you're so tired, so exhausted, that you actually *feel* ill?  That your stomach hurts, your body aches and it feels like a chore to keep your eyes open?

Well, that was me before 10am on Saturday.... but let me fill you in on Friday first.

Oh, and..... this post might make you like me just a little bit less.  Some of you might lose respect for me.  A regular reader once (nicely) warned me about posting stuff like this because I could lose the 'support' of my readers.... which might well be true.

However... I'm many things - loud, overweight, slightly clumsy, opinionated - but not the least of which is honest.  I would rather be honest than cloud over things just to save a few readers.....  I hope that makes sense.  I feel like being dishonest is a disservice to anyone who reads this blog - if I do something wrong... then I did it wrong, and like everyone else on the planet who does something wrong, I should have to own and answer for it.... so here goes:

A day in my life is.... busy.  Friday I woke up at 8am (this is after going to bed at the usual 2:30isham) - and I started working.  I have dozens of client jobs that still have to be proofed and finished - so I start with that.  I do several hours of proofing and finishing.  I made breakfast and brought it to the kids.  Then The Boy and I did some reading (for school) and then I called a client who's job we canceled due to rain and wind.

I played a round of Disney Pictionary (a gift from my cousin during our recent visit- which we play *every* day, The Girl LOVES it!) - and then back to proofing and finishing.

Then I drove the kids over to a friend who kindly agreed to watch them while I drove to OHSU to visit a mutual friend whose daughter is in the PICU and in critical condition.  I brought with me a talking Elmo doll that's wearing a robe, holding a box of tissue's and say's cute things like "Elmo feels better when you hold his hand."

How freakin' cute is that?

So, I sat with my friend for a while, we visited her sick, sweet baby and then I left when another of our friends arrived with coffee for her visit.  (Don't I have great friends?  I swear.... I'm so lucky for that.)

I then drove back to my other friends house where more friends arrived and we stayed for the afternoon playdate.  I drove the kids home at 5, made dinner, proofed and edited (meanwhile we were missing a Halloween party because I had to choose between editing and a party.... client work won out.)

We still had another party that night - the *big* Halloween party of the year, which I *thought* started at 7:30pm but actually started at 5PM..... grrrr....

BTW - this is my Friday and it's my 'slow' day of the week by far.  This one was slower than most.

So I rushed around getting the children ready for the party.  In late August the Goodwill starts putting out their Halloween stuff, so I had run around buying up used costumes then.  I had gotten a Spiderman for $4.99 and then a matching Spidergirl for $4.99.  So I dug them out and got the kids dressed.

This is *THE* party to end all parties.  My friends have a big barn and the entire second floor is turned into a haunted house.  Only like - a *real* haunted house.  It has over two dozen 'sets' where various animatronic skeletons or Freddy Krueger-types are set up inside of flashing lights and smoke machines.  It's the kind of Haunted House you could totally charge money for - but this family does it every year and hosts this *amazing* party for free..... see - didn't I say I have great friends? 

The Boy looks forward to this party allll month - they love the Haunted House, the DJ and dance floor - my kids love to bust a move.  This year the party had a glow paint/glow stick theme and The Girl scored a pink glow bracelet that she was in love with.

This is the 'kid' party... the next night they house an 'all adult' party which I was also invited to and .... kind of looking forward to, but more on that later.

So.  we arrive at the party - which is still in full swing (thankfully, I think The Boy would have had a total meltdown if I had missed the party....) - and there's dancing and scaring and screaming and endless amounts of fun.  Around 9:30pm the party is dying down and The Girl is tiiiiirrreeeedddd..... and wants to go home.  The Boy wants to go to the Spirit Halloween store.

So, off to the Spirit store we go for a quick 15 minute trip through the displays - which, much to The Boys dismay - most of it is sold.  Then I head down to McDonalds to get them apple juice and fries (at their request) and as I pull into the drivethru, The Girl starts screaming.

I'm quickly between two cars and waiting my turn and The Girl is screaming bloody murder, clawing at her mouth and tongue and crying.  I'm trying to calm her down, order their stuff and then I pull over in the parking lot to get out - as I'm sure she's bitten her tongue or something.

I get out of the car and open her door- she's in a total panic, pulling her face and rubbing her tongue which.... for some reason isn't fitting in her mouth?  huh?  Then I notice her face is red, her eyebrows are swelling, and her lips are swollen... also - her breathe smells sweet like perfume? 

The Boy is starting to get upset and scared - he said that they weren't eating anything or anything - and he doesn't know why she's crying or what happened.  I remember the pink bracelet and it's not on The Girl so I start looking for it... I find it on the floor of the car, but it doesn't have bite marks on it - and it doesn't appear to be leaking?

I get back in the car and call El Capitan.  I tell him what's going on - of course he can hear The Girl screaming and The Boy trying to calm her down.  I'm about three minutes from where El Capitan lives - and about 10 minutes from the hospital.  If I go back to where we are staying.. then I'm 30 minutes from the hospital.

I ask El Capitan if he's at home.... he say's, no - and then say's he's going to "go to another room" so we can talk.  I hear him leave one room and shut a door into another.

I'm also right by his work - which has been closed for hours and the parking lot is empty.

I don't know what to do - because I don't know what happened, but if he's right around the corner, could he look at The Girl and tell me what he thinks about whether or not I should spend the $1,500 to go to the ER?

He say's he's not at his place and that he's..... "unavailable".  I tell him I'm going to drive to the ER and if she's still swollen when I get there, I'll go in and let him know if they keep her, he say's, OK.

I get to the ER and The Girl is still hysterical - and now The Boy is freaking out because he's scared about his baby sister.... my kids don't usually cry like this about anything, so The Boy has assessed that something is very wrong. 

***I want to be VERY clear about something.  I don't *have* to call El Capitan when something like this happens.  I have full custody and I can make any all medical decisions - I could say nothing to him, not involve him in anyway - and just do my thing.  However, I try to respect the fact that he is still their Father and any Father would want to be apart of a situation such as this  - right?  Want to be apart of deciding whether or not I spend $1,500 at an ER... right?***

I park and run in with the kids and a nurse - seeing us coming - passes us right by the desk and admitting and straight to a room in the pediatric area of the ER.  They start asking me about gas - or alcohol - or what she's ingested.  I had grabbed the pink glow bracelet and brought it in and laid it on the bed, the nurse picks it up and we see a wet spot.  Upon further investigation we notice the bracelet is kinked and almost empty..... it has a funny perfume smell and I notice that the front of her Spidergirl costume also has that smell.

I'm undressing The Girl and the nurse is preparing the medicine and The Boy has started crying.... "Are you going to make my sister better?  Is she going to be ok......?  Can you help her?"

Another nurse comes in to console The Boy while I change The Girl into a gown - and then I ask to step outside to call El Capitan.

I run to the lobby and can't seem to get a clear signal to make a call, so I text him, I tell him that they are admitting her and treating her for an unknown allergic reaction - steroids, etc.  I get this reply......

"shit..... do you need me?"

Um..... what?  I stare at the phone, stunned.  We've already talked on the phone, you *heard* your daughter screaming in the backseat.... you know that the ER had admitted her to treat her... and you aren't just coming?  You aren't doing that thing that Dad's do for their baby girls and coming to swoop her up and make things all better......?

So, I reply.  "Nope.... and btw, thanks for everything you've done for our family.  Tell XXX I said, Hi."
I hear nothing else from him... no phone call about how she's doing, no offer of help... nothing.

You see, *this* is how this works..... I said something 'not nice' in response to something he's doing - and so he uses that as a 'get out of jail free' card.  It's awesome.

We then spend several more hours at the ER, the Dr. decides that it's most likely just an allergic reaction to the fluid in the bracelet, so they treat her with steroids and some other stuff.  The Girl is quickly asleep (due to the meds) and The Boy is tired and asking why can't we just go home?  The Bubbie and The Papa weren't in the area, so there was no one I could call to help at midnight.  Seeing as how I had called their Father and he was..... at a party?  With his girlfriend?  Somewhere where he needed to "go to another room" to talk to me... and clearly somewhere he didn't want to leave.  BUT.  I say none of this to The Boy, I just tell him we have to stay until the Dr. say's we can go home.

Around 1am a sleepy, tired and frustrated Boy say's to me, "You know... if Daddy wasn't with his girlfriend, he could come get me and take me home."  To this I respond, ...."let's just focus on Sister and try to sleep.".

The Boy, however, has a valid point.

We get home just after 3:30am - I'm expecting text messages or voicemails to start beeping on my phone... but nothing.  Not a word from El Capitan asking me about how she is or anything.....

I'm supposed to have several jobs, but it's pouring rain, so one by one, they cancel.  El Capitan was supposed to come at 9am to pick up the kids for his time with them - but I text him at 8am to say the kids are still sleeping and my first job is canceled and to come at 10.  Even then... I'm dragging the kids out of bed at 9:45 to get ready. 

I'm so tired.  The Girl's face is mostly it's normal size and besides being very tired, they both seem fine.  We head outside where I have to install their car seats in the truck that El Capitan say's he's borrowing from a friend  - but.. he's been 'borrowing' it for almost four months now.  Yet, refuses to *keep* the car seats, so I have to installl and un=install them every time he comes to get the kids.

I ask him where he was the night before - he starts getting defensive and say's he was "at work".  He even say's he was at work with RXXX - and I can call that person and ask them.

I point out that there were NO CARS in the parking lot at his work and they had been closed for nearly two hours on a Friday night .... so he was *not* at work.

Then he say's he was working at a different  store - getting a 'transfer'. 

By now I'm just angry and frustrated and pissed... super duper pissed.  So, with the kids in the car, I lose my schmidt.

He's starting blankly ahead clearly annoyed AT ME. 

So I say, "What pisses me off is that I wasted my time on someone who bailed me a long time ago... I'm f*@king tired of paying the price and being punished just because *you* decided you wanted to be somewhere or with someone else...... A FATHER fights for his family - takes care of his family...."

He's yelling back, ... good times.

Then I tell him flat out that he's "not a parent... a parent sticks around to raise their kids - not just show up once a week to be a glorified babysitter for a few hours" .  Yes... while the kids are in the back seat and can most likely hear it.... I said it. 

Then he comes up with my *favorite* gem....."You shouldn't do this in front of the kids."

Yes.... he has a point.  I concede.  However.... I would like to point out that while I shouldn't *talk* about what a piece of crap their father is being.... my kids are LIVING THROUGH IT.  They are SEEING IT.  LIVING IT.  BREATHING IT.  Talking about it... while unflattering and not a super stellar choice as a parent.... talking is *NOT* as bad as LIVING THROUGH IT.

The Boy - is living it and processing it - ON HIS OWN - and I worry about that...... at the same time - I'm still just ONE PERSON.  It's just *me* here EVERY SINGLE DAY - the day in and the day out.... just me wiping the noses and poopy butts and skinned knees and doing homework and doing all the discipline. 

I sure as shit wish I could pop by for a few hours, take the kids for lunch and to the zoo and then be on my merry way..... right?  How much *easier* would life be? 

But I can't do that - and I wouldn't do that - because poop and snot and time-outs aside - there are like a millions cuddles and giggles and smiles that I wouldn't trade for anything and anyone.... and it *PAINS* me that El Capitan seems to have. 

THAT is what makes me angry..... because I won't trade them in - because I'm still their Mom and the remaining parent - it feels like *all* the responsibility for taking the higher road and safe-guarding their 'innocence' as the books say - it's alllll on *ME* to ensure that I do and say all the right things to try and keep them.... safe.

What about El Capitan?  What about when he does things - when *HE* does things TO THEM and AROUND THEM that affect them in ways that I cannot "shield" them from......? 

What the hell am I supposed to do?  Excuses about how he has to "work" - how he's "always at work" and how he has "no life" and "no friends" and he "doesn't go anywhere"..... and it's alll LIES. 

Lies and trading that have our son asking me at midnight in an ER why his Dad is choosing his girlfriend over helping us......

But really... me *talking* about that is worse than actually living through it?

Which.... I agree it is.  It is.  I know it is.  and I try and I read all the books and I try and I try.... but I'm not perfect, I'm still a scorned and painfully hurt wife who loved her husband and her family and can't understand how I got here in the first place.. but on top of *not* stepping up, he lied about where he was.  He chose, not actually knowing what was wrong with The Girl - to not come.  To not be there for them.

So he dropped the ball and I dropped the ball... and all those balls land squarely on the kids.  Which is crushing.... I feel terrible.

After 7 hours (their longest visit ever) - I meet up to uninstall the seats and pick up the kids.  Another recent development is that The Boy has been having intestinal trouble for YEARS - which even involved going to a specialist early this month to try to resolve it.  Working with his diet - I've noticed that fruit smoothies - especially from Jamba Juice - gives him the problems.  I had told El Capitan about this and that Jamba Juice and smoothie's were OFF THE TABLE until I get in touch with the specialist for advice. He agreed.

Only... getting them out of the truck, they are each carrying a now empty 16 oz. Jamba Juice cup.  I ask El Capitan why he would get them Jamba when he knew it will make The Boy sick and he say's, "Oh, I had them make it special - they only filled it two inches in each - and only charged me like $2.00 for it."

We have another spirited exchange - this time with the kids in my car and the radio... but still.  :(

I get in the car and The Boy say's, "Mommy.... I have something to tell you..... Daddy lied."

"Ok," I say....."About what?"

"Well, when he said our Jamba was only a little full, he was lying about that because our Jamba was full allll the way to the top...... why did Daddy lie about that?"

Before I answer... because I don't really have an answer for that... The Boy then say's, "Yeah... I guess that's what the problem is - Daddy is a liar."

So. Parenting fails alll over the map.  Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning in a perfect storm of betrayal and heartbreak and anger and disappointment and pain.... and I keep trying to swim to the top to save myself dragging the kids behind him.... but, that's what scares me - if *I* still feel like I'm drowning... aren't *they* still drowning?  Or... worse?

I read all the books on *how* to have a "good" divorce and how to have "two happy households" and all the things I'm supposed to say and not supposed to say..... but - here's the bitch of it all - the books assume that the other parent wants the same thing and is ACTING that way.

I want to believe in my heart that El Capitan *wants* those things... even if his actions seem to say otherwise.  Over and over and over.... like waves lapping over my head over and over and over......

Holding me down - pushing me under - until I'm grabbing for straws to try to breathe through - but I'm just taking on water..... and he'll tell you how mean I am - how I *say* mean things to him... and I do.  Because I'm tired - tired of breathing through straws and tired of failing my children.... our children.  Tired of lies and tired of being lied to ..... mostly though, tired of watching those lies wear down the children and really really really tired of always having to control what I say and how I say it and who I say it to - because I feel like I'm the only one 'accountable'...... even the largest reservoir can only take on so much water before it's own levy breaks - and when my levy breaks...... it's just 'not allowed'. 

See.  So there you have it.  I'm not a saint, my levy's break and my verbal wrath will soak you.... or him. Tomorrow's another day and I'll get up and try again.  Mind you... Jamba Juice and glow bracelets are off our shopping lists... two problems I can control - I wish I could control so much more.

Before we even left I hatched a plan to share our trip to Disneyland - and here it is.....

There is no way I could ever be able to thank people enough..... readers, individual people who donated and everyone who bought a magnet - they all made our trip possible..... so I really wanted to find a way to share the joy and laughter and .... the magic.

I hope you like it!

I hope it's not obnoxious, but I really can't stop thinking about what a great time we had.... in fact;  I want to go back - right now! lololol

It seems like you work so hard and it takes so much planning to actually *go* and then you do go and the time goes by quicker than quick and suddenly, you're home again before you know it!

The kids ...... they had such a great time.  We had a bit of a snafu at one point, and I was *shocked* at how the Cast Members came together to help out.

The Boy has kind of dodgy eye-sight, which results in him wearing glasses with a  bi-focal and he doesn't have super solid 3D vision.  That means that he doesn't really like to ride bikes and stuff - which takes 3D vision.  He does ride a skateboard - but that takes less 3D interpretation to ride.

Anyhow - in his excitement and vision hassles, he took a big spill early on day two.  Cast Members came out of the wood work to see if he was ok and if we needed anything.  I think he was just a bit more embarrassed than anything else - but I thought everyone's genuine concern was super nice.

A short time later, the manager at the area where The Boy had fallen came over and asked me which ride was The Boy's favorite ride - which, of course is Roger Rabbit.  He LOVES that ride - which is really the best ride in all of ToonTown.  She came back, again, a short time later and told us to head over to Roger Rabbit and ask for Pat when we got there.

The kids were all aglow as we walked over - they seemed to think something special as in the works,  Kids can be very perceptive that way.  So we arrived at Roger Rabbit and Miss Pat was there, she produced three 'Fast Passes' and took us to the Fast Pass line.  SWEET!

We rode the ride and the children ran out to thank Miss Pat right away.... but Miss Pat wasn't done yet.

To my great surprise, Miss Pat walked us over to Mickey's House.  We went into the back door and down a side hallway.  During our walk, I learned that Miss Pat has worked at Disneyland for over 15 years and that she had nearly twenty grandchildren of her own!

She walked into a "Cast Members Only" door and told us to wait in the hall - a few minutes later Miss Pat came out and handed The Girl a teeny-tiny "glass" slipper.  It was clear and flawless in it's shape and design and immediately The Girl started squealing about how it was a "CinnerElla" slipper.

Because that how a three year old say's, Cinderella - CinnerElla..... hahaha.

I tried to tell Miss Pat no, that we didn't need anything, but Miss Pat assured me that *everyone* needs a little magic in their lives.

Oh, I'm not sure Miss Pat knew just how right she was.

We then followed Miss Pat - who was now calling herself "Grandma" to the kids, down another long hallway.  We got to another Cast door and she slipped in, then slipped back out - opened the door wide and there stood Mickey Mouse.  Alone.  By himself.

Grandma Pat had brought the children to see Mickey Mouse for a private audience!!!!!!!

We kept it brief, mostly because I was feeling incredibly guilty knowing that there was a line of people who had been waited who knows *how* long to get their picture taken with Mickey - so we took a few photos and headed back out.

The kids were..... elated.  I was in total shock.

Grandma Pat then escorted us to the roller coaster in ToonTown - and got us on that ride through the exit - skipping the line, and then to a few other rides.  The kids felt like total rock stars.... I was excited for them but totally confused.

The Boy had only taken a wee spill - no major injuries or bleeding to report... just a regular, kid-standard fall.  I hadn't flipped out or been angry or made any kind of scene.  I'm the kind of Mom who down-plays those moments - having remembered being a kid totally embarrassed by falling down in public and having someone make all kind of noise drawing yet more attention to the initial fall. 

So, I couldn't understand *why* anyone would be going out of their way for us - and I expressed that to Grandma Pat.

She was shorter than me - both by natural height and from her age as she now had slightly rounded shoulders - so looked up at me and said, "Sometimes, you just know who needs a bit Magic in their lives.... and I've been delivering that magic for fifteen years.  It's the best job in the world....... seeing these two kids smile is just the reason we're all here to begin with."

Wow. On the one hand I'm amazed at the kindness of a stranger and (as always) totally impressed with the dedication of Cast Members at Disneyland... they are just THE BEST.

On the other hand.... I wondered to myself if the entire world can see our gaping and raw emotional wounds that are lacking in happiness and magic.... or if that was just a Super Power that Grandma Pat had.

I agree with Grandma Pat, though - there *needs* to be more magic in our lives.  I can't afford to take us back to Disneyland every month to get it either.... *I'm* going to have to be the one who helps create that for them - who helps them find their *own* magic.

I think that - going back to MR. XXXXXX - it's really, really important that instead of giving the children band aids for their pain and their loss - it's my job to teach them how to heal themselves.  It my job to teach them how to find and make their own happiness and their own magic.... if I give it to them all the time without teaching them how to do it for themselves - then they will grow up, without confidence and security and strength.

It's a good thing that The Boy and The Girl seem to like roller coasters as much as they do... because sh*t around here is going to be bumpy for a while - but hopefully - I can bring a little more magic to their lives which will make things a bit easier.

For some reason, among the dozens of movie's we have - The Girl has been recently obsessed with Alice In Wonderland.

Among all the various princess dolls that we own and their movies - over and over - The Girl has been drawn to Alice.

I haven't watched Alice in years - and only during our trip did I curl up with her and watch it.  I forgot how beautiful the animation was - Alice actually looks like a girl and not an odd computerization of a female face like current Disney stars.  C'mon... don't tell me you haven't noticed that there's not much difference between Ariel and Belle... lolol.  At least Tangled was different.

Anyhow..... I forgot how truly lovely each scene was and how many different stories are within Alice's one journey - Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum and the clams, and The Queen and The Cheshire Cat.  As we followed Alice going into small and smaller places chasing this white Rabbit and instead getting herself into trouble and more trouble.... I couldn't help but see myself in her shoes.

Follow me here..... Alice is oblivious and sweet, falling asleep in the flowers and suddenly she's chasing a white rabbit down a long, dark hole..... a bit like how I've felt:  there I was happy and oblivious and then I suddenly found myself chasing my own happiness down a dark hole.

Each turn felt like it got small and smaller, my chest felt tighter and as the truth of Yoga Girl came to the surface with each text message from her.... it got harder and harder to breathe.  As though I could be standing outside in the wide open air... and yet be struggling. 

Like Alice, every character in my own story brought with them a new version of the truth and then suddenly - I would discover even more darker,troubling 'truths'. 

Truths that would almost have me sooner believing in talking flowers, cookies that made me magically taller or smaller... than accept that my best friend could betray me and our children as he did.....

The part that made me giggle the most was The Mad Hatters Tea Party.  Of course, the children think The Mad Hatter is hilarious, they love his songs and his goofiness - especially The Boy. He's naturally goofy already. 

For me though, aside from the songs and the whimsy, it's when The Mad Hatter say's, "Clean cup - Move Down!".... it was like my own teeny-tiny personal "ah-ha" moment.... THAT is what we've been doing for months - clean cup - move down!

It's not like I haven't been trying to deal with things, with our emotions (mine and the childrens) - and I got our divorce handled and sold the house... and yet, I feel like things are so "un-finished".

I feel like WE are "un-finished."  We've just been moving down to the next 'clean cup'.... but if you watch the movie (at least the Disney version) - the only guest at the tea party who actually gets a 'clean-cup' is the Mad Hatter himself.  Everyone else keeps getting a dirty cup.

That's me.  Surrounded by chaos, I keep moving and moving... but I still end up with a dirty cup.
Which means the kids end up with a dirty cup, too. 

I'm not sure that's any kind of 'Mad Hatter' to blame perse - the situation is just what it is.  And... it's chasing the what 'was' and the dreams of what could have been that have gotten us at this table, in this cycle of dirty cups. 

So it comes down to me to stop listening to the Cheshire Cat in my head and stop chasing the elusive 'white rabbit' that represents what my family was.  I have to ... ignore whatever other 'truths' are out there (in terms of El Capitan and Yoga Girl and stuff.....) - and I have to just *stop*.

I have stop sitting down to dirty cup after dirty cup. 

In an even more twisted way..... *I* am becoming a 'white rabbit' for the kids... there they are trusting me, following me through the doors that get smaller and over the crooked floors - until they are sitting next to me at their own dirty cups - and don't they deserve better?

The Girl is the prefect Alice.... sweet, trusting, beautiful..... and unlike that white rabbit in the story - I'm not "late".... I don't need to hurry - because I'm already "here".  I'm already where I *need* to be.

I just need to get my own clean cup.

Please remain seated until the ride has come to a complete stop..... and now:  we're home!

What an amazing few days it has been.  The kids had a brilliant time - and I'm truly hoping that we made some fantastic new memories that will last the three of us a lifetime.

So.... how *did* we get there?

In the first place, I had absolutely no business taking any kind of trip when we are relying on family to house us at this time.... plus, I truly don't know how the h@ll I'm going to support us - so, a trip to Disneyland was surely a luxury we could not (and should not) afford.

First, we had the magnet sales... awesome!  I couldn't believe how many people bought magnets.  Sure, I know some people might have bought them as a joke, or just because they liked them, but - no matter what the reason, I used that money for the kids and the trip. :)  Hopefully, using the money from the magnets was the least 'bitter' thing I could do with it. lololol

Second.... I have some wonderful friends and family.  Namely.... I have a Noni.  She was The Bubbie's best friend since grade school and was my Godmother.... after I had kids we upgraded her title to Noni.  Noni is a HUGE Disney freak- like me...  and she sent up one of our tickets and LUNCH at The Blue Bayou.

Growing up, we visited my Grandparents almost every summer and that we would always spend one day at Disneyland.  Year after year I would float past the majestic New Orleans style porch with the hanging lanterns and watch the people dining.  I always wondering why those people were so *special* that they got to eat inside the Pirates of the Caribbean ride while I.... never did.

The answer, I would find out thirty years later is:  having a Noni who buys you lunch there. hahahaha

It was a DREAM. COME. TRUE. 

The kids and I sat watching the boats trail by full of people off to see Black Beard and Captain Jack Sparrow, while we ate one of the nicest lunches I've ever had.  I had the Monte Cristo sandwich and the kids had the mac and cheese.... worth *Every* penny.  Honestly, if you have the chance - don't let it pass you by!  Of course, the bonus for The Girl is that after The Frog Princess - the whole 'New Orleans' thing wasn't lost on her at all and she was totally mesmerized.

That brings us to .... Lashla.

Lashla is *my* very bestest friend in the world.  I've known her for .... over 16 years.  WOW.  16 *years*.  The very idea of that makes me feel so totally old.... but that's what it is.  Lashla is the yin to my yang.... she's always been rainbows and true love and fairies and such..... I've always been moderate temperatures, sensible caution (with a hint of critical doubt) and fairies don't exist.  lolol

Sometimes, when she's a wee girl with her head in the clouds - I'm there to ground her with some sage and earthly advice.  Other times... and probably more often - it's Lashla who drags me kicking and screaming into taking chances on dreams and people and..... on life - when the critical and more cynical side of me begs to be a realist and doubt things.

I'm a big doubter.... recent events in my life aren't helping that.

But Lashla, knowing me better than I know myself - and loving my children with a kind and generous heart.... sent me a sizable gift that game with Mickey faces on them..... so that our trip would be cemented and we would go.  Lashla knew that the sensible side of me would stall and probably not go at all ..... so she made certain that we had no choice.

*THAT* is a true friend.... that, is *true* love.

We also had a few local friends who kindly overpaid for their family photo sessions.... whom I won't mention by name, but they know who they are.... and I am so incredibly grateful.

Then there's Tante Louise, who sent gift cards for the kids so they would have spending money when we got there... it was Tante Louise, Lashla, Noni, Jenny-Jen-Jen and a few other friends whose various gifts I pulled together to do the Bibbity Bobbety Boo salon for The Girl - who LOVED IT.  She felt like a *true* princess and she smiles the entire time they fussed with her hair and did her 'make-up' and stuff.

It was *pure* magic. 

For me, it was doubly magic because while I was thrilled to the gills to watch the children smile and shriek over Mickey's Halloween Party (which was the big special treat for The Boy) and the salon day and The Blue Bayou and Ariel's Grotto - it was humbling and especially wonderful to know that these moments - this event - was brought to us by people who have hearts of kindness and compassion and wanted to do something nice for us.

How crazy/great/awesome/amazing... *is* that?  As Wayne and Garth would say:  We're not Worthy!

Mostly though.... I thought about the love of my friends and family - like Lasha.... and how, even though the 'love of my life' turned out to be the 'love of a mere decade'.... my life, and my heart, remain full of *true* love. 

And that, and the realization of that, is a far better blessing than any vacation... even though this was one pretty freakin' perfect!!!!

As *promised* I will write more this coming week about how we go here, but for now... I'm still enjoying our trip, so I'm going to write about that.

However, I noticed that my last post got all kinds of jacked up - but I'm working on a laptop and using hotel wifi - and somehow something got lost - I will try to fix that. :)

Anyhow.... after our four day at The Most Magical Place on Earth,  we met up with The Bubbie in Burbank where my Grandma lives.  I grew up here for a short time, going to pre-school in Burbank when we lived with my Grandparents after my Mom was in a horrible accident.

Everyday, my Grandpa would take me to *THIS* very Donut Prince.  I would get a small sprite that came in a Styrofoam cup with the kind of ice balls instead of ice cubes.  Grandpa would let me pick my donut from the glass case at the front of the store and I would always get a 'vanilla' cake donut with white icing and multi-colored sprinkles.

To this day, it's still my favorite donut.  Ever.

Inside the small indoor seating area is still the same set of formica tables with orange stools that were there when I was a kid.  I can still look down and see my hands on top of that orange and brown fake marbled formica top - and I can still see my Grandpa sitting across from me.

He wore this brown leather jacket, but it had a breast button down and a belt and he wore a brown newsboy-type hate.  He had curly black hair and gold rim glasses.  He was perfect.

He was goofy and silly and my best friend for years.  The Bubbie had been in a bad accident which left her on heavy medications for a long time, so we moved in with my Grandparents.  Grandma still did bookkeeping, but Grandpa was retired, so he spent his days with me.

Looking back, it's amazing to think about how this kind and gentle man in his 60s would keep up with three year old me without missing a beat.  He took me for donuts and to pre-school ever day, then picked me up and we would go to the park, go swimming, do house chores.

I don't recall him every complaining or saying things like "Grandpa's too tired...." etc.  He was always there - my constant playmate. 

I have this one picture that my Grandpa took of me and I'm naked, facing the rose bushes and using the garden hose to water them.  I'm holding the hose in one hand and looking over my shoulder - with my (then) small, chubby, cute butt  facing the camera.

Today, I took that same picture of The Girl. 

I'm kind of lame like that - trying to replicate those moments of my own happy childhood for my kids either with my old clothes or toys..... oh - and it's worth mentioning that my Grandparents had a pool, so I was most likely coming out of the pool and getting changed when watering roses seemed more appealing.  It wasn't customary for me to run around naked. lololol.

The kids had a blast swimming in the pool, even though it's far too cold by Cali standards - my kids being true Oregonians thought the water was plenty warm.  I love seeing them swim in that pool, the same pool I spent most of my childhood in.  Splashing and laughing and having a great time.

Which then made me feel a little bittersweet about our life.... am I doing a good enough job?  Am I finding a way through the pain to make their childhood good - am I creating memories for them that I *want* them to have?  Will they have *good* things to remember?

Will they be happy?

Ahhh..... so many things to think about.  So many things still overwhelm me.

I've been texting El Capitan off and on - sending him pictures of the kids and stuff.  I now I don't *have* to do it - and I'm not doing it to stay "attached" to him or some such thing.... but it seems strange to me (as a parent) for the children to have this kind of huge experience and to not include him in their experience. 

Am I wrong?  Wouldn't that be weird?

I don't care who is paying for this or not - I think he still has a right to share in their joy and excitement - and to be more apart of it than just finding pictures on the blog or facebook, right? 

Sometimes, I feel a bit like a teeter-totter - going back and forth between feeling angry and bitter about what could have been and the cost of a wandering trouser snake..... and then I totter back to the larger part of me that still wants to do the right things by my children *their* Father. 

Having said that though..... my personal desire to contact him is going away..... which I think is a good thing.

Today, sitting at the coffee shop, I noticed a handwritten quote on the wall and it said:

"As you ramble on through life Brother,
whatever be your goal,
Keep your eye upon the Donut,
not upon the hole!"

----- Sterling

Wow.  I actually got a little choked up when I saw that.  Because, even though some days I'm not good at it - I'm *always* trying to keep my eye on the 'donut' (insert fat joke here............ lllololol) - BUT - it's true.  I'm always looking for the good stuff - no matter what.  I'm always trying to appreciate what I have and not be jealous of what I do not.  And yes, I try to *always* understand that someone, somewhere has life much worse than I do.  It's not about being "saintly" as one reader suggested, it's about being *realistic*.  It's about having perspective and understanding that life is FULL of holes - but if all you ever see is the hole - then you miss the good - you miss the donut.   And hey... let's face facts:  I'm never one to overlook a good donut. hahaha

Sitting at that table I thought a lot about my Grandpa what an amazing man he was.  I had always hoped that I would grow up and marry a man like him..... clearly, I failed at that.  Perhaps one day I'll get another chance.... or may be you just get one man like that in your life - and if so... then I'll just be grateful for the "donut" I had and not the "hole" I ended up with. :)

Everything was coming along swimmingly.... we had lunch at Arile's Grotto where The Girl about lost her own schmidt when Princess after Princess was coming up to the table to say hello.  The food - BTW - was AMAZING. Just AMAZING.

NEXT WEEK, I will write more about *how* we got here - and what we did. :)

Today though.... was hard.  Really - if I'm being honest, it was hard.  I broke down like three different times in tears -all these rides talking about 'dreams' and the 'future' and 'happiness'.... it'll wear a girl down when she's not sure what the 'future' holds and what her dreams for herself and for her kids - look like.

PLUS - everysingle ride I'm asked.... "How many in your party.....?  Party of three......?"

Honestly, *I* thought it was going GREAT.  I didn't really mind having the kids there on my own - we've made a pretty good team for years now, so.... this was a huge' challange' perse - managing them on my own and stuff.

However.... I kind of had to trick The Girl into going on Space Mountain and Tower of Terror (Both of which she is tall enough to ride) - because The Mom in me told me that they were probably a touch on the scary side.... but - The Boy REALLY wanted to go on them and he really can't go alone - so we made The Girl sack up and ride.  

She's not keen on the scary bits, but she LOVES the rollercoasters.  Their favorite rides were Big Thunder and Splash Mountain.  The Girl wants it to go higher and faster.... she was BUMMED when California Screamin' broke done.  lol

Today I was proud of myself for having enough family and friends - and the support of so many readers... followers?  - that I pulled together this trip to start with - and I managed to do it without strapping a matress to my back.

And, I was doubly proud that had made it to day four without a trip to the ER or something awful happening... which you know, keeping track of two kids in a LARGE public area where one kids could easily fall or get
lots in the crowd - so I was pretty pleased with myself. :)

But I just kept hearing "party of three....?" - and it weighed my heart down a little.... and inspite of the
laughs and the smiles and high-fives and good times... standing in line for Big Thunder tonight The Boy say's, "You know Mom, this is the bestest vacation ever.....!"

So I say, "That's good bud, I'm so glad!"

The Boy then say's, "Yeah.... it would have been perfect if Dad were here..... but you know - he's not ......."

AH...... what was that you ask? 

Oh, just that sound of my heart breaking, that's all.

Inside my head I'm screaming - "Really?  *WOULD* it be? Would it?  Because he's clearly been "faking it" for a while - pretending to be YES - more fun?  Hardly......"

Instead, I say, "Well, may be - but there are plenty of other family trips we've taken with Dad and you have the fun memories from those trips!"  (and I *smile* while I say so that it sounds a believeable as my heart wants it to be while my mind is struggling to gain control of my mouth and inject some bitter sarcasm.... thankfully the heart wins out. 

The Boy seemed appeased at this and we move along in our place in line and he drops it.

*I* however, spend the rest of the night trying not to break down in tears.  Of course I'm not at all mad or upset with The Boy.  The reality is, no matter how much I have my *sh&t* together and no matter what awesome/fun thing we're doing - the kids are probably always going to think aboutthat fact that we are now a 'Party of Three' - and... frankly, they liked being a party of four better.

It's hard know that no matter how hard I try, I will never be "enough".  I will never fully succeed at being Mom and Dad in any given situation.  Now, I'm not talking about removing El Capitan's influence or whatever... i'm just saying - physically, in this moment, on this trip - I can only be me and that will always leave a whole where the fourth person in our party once stood.  

*sigh*

So, we rode and rode and rode our cares away until the clock turned 8Pm while we were on Small World.  All that hap-hap-happy music surely wasn't helped my uterus un-contract.... and I wound up having to take a moment to on a bench and have a wee cry.

Not a *big* melodramatic cry - but just a small one.  I was just overwhelmed with emotion - all the kindess and love that *got* us to that place where new family memories as a 'party of three' were made.... and the start of soooo many more good times we will have to look forward too... but then, the kind of emotional brick wall of realizing that *this* is teh NEW 'normal'.  Me + Two Kids = Family.

Not what I planned..... and I 

The Boy said he wanted to cry, too - because he didn't want to leave Disneyland either.  lol

We made our way to the bus terminal and a family of five we'd seen a few other times was waiting there, too.  Laden down with nearly half a dozen shopping bags and a stroller and a bag and two kids - the Dad in the family asked me if I wanted help.

I smiled and assured him that I was ok, and thanked him anyway.  The Mom then asked me, "So, we saw you theother day, too.  Is it just you with the kids?  Because... that's just amazing."

I said yes and then made an off-handed joke about the situation.

Turned out that they had seen they had seen the sign and couldn't believe it was me.... which is a bit weird.  Well, may be not weird, but strange... the night before a woman on the bus actually asked me if I had been recently selling a house in Portland.  I think she was being extra polite because the kids were sitting next to me - but she knew me from The Jeff Probst Show and gave me the 'high-five' while the husband asked a few questions.    How crazy is that?  Miles away from home.... that sign has a freakin' life of it's own. lol

In some respects this time along with them has brought to the forefront a few things I need to work on as a parent - so I did a lot of Everything was coming along swimmingly.... we had lunch at Arile's Grotto where
The Girl about lost her own schmidt when Princess after Princess was coming up
to the table to say hello.  The food - BTW - was AMAZING. Just
AMAZING.

NEXT WEEK, I will write more about *how* we got here - and what we did. :)

Today though.... was hard.  Really - if I'm being honest, it was hard.  I broke down like three different times in tears -all these rides talking about 'dreams' and the 'future' and 'happiness'.... it'll wear a girl down when she's not sure what the 'future' holds and what her dreams for herself and for her kids - look like.

PLUS - everysingle ride I'm asked.... "How many in your party.....?  Party of three......?"

Honestly, *I* thought it was going GREAT.  I didn't really mind having the kids there on my own - we've made
a pretty good team for years now, so.... this was a huge' challange' perse - managing them on my own and stuff.

However.... I kind of had to trick The Girl into going on Space Mountain and Tower of Terror (Both of which she is tall enough to ride) - because The Mom in me told me that they were probably a touch on the scary side.... but - The Boy REALLY wanted to go on them and he really can't go alone - so we made The Girl sack up and ride.  

She's not keen on the scary bits, but she LOVES the rollercoasters.  Their favorite rides were Big Thunder and Splash Mountain.  The Girl wants it to go higher and faster.... she was BUMMED when California Screamin' broke done.  lol

Today I was proud of myself for having enough family and friends - and the support of so many readers... followers?  - that I pulled together this trip to start with - and I managed to do it without strapping a matress to my back.

And, I was doubly proud that had made it to day four without a trip to the ER or something awful happening... which you know, keeping track of two kids in a LARGE public area where one kids could easily fall or get lots in the crowd - so I was pretty pleased with myself. :)

But I just kept hearing "party of three....?" - and it weighed my heart down a little.... and inspite of the laughsThunder tonight The Boy say's, "You know Mom, this is the bestest vacation ever.....!"

So I say, "That's good bud, I'm so glad!"

The Boy then say's, "Yeah.... it would have been perfect if Dad were here..... but you know - he's not ......."

AH...... what was that you ask? 

Oh, just that sound of my heart breaking, that's all.

Inside my head I'm screaming - "Really?  *WOULD* it be? Would it?  Because he's clearly been "faking it" for a while - pretending to be YES - more fun?  Hardly......"

Instead, I say, "Well, may be - but there are plenty of other family trips we've taken with Dad and you have the fun memories from those trips!"  (and I *smile* while I say so that it sounds a believeable as my heart wants it to be while my mind is struggling to gain control of my mouth and inject some bitter sarcasm.... thankfully the heart wins out. 

The Boy seemed appeased at this and we move along in our place in line and he drops it.

*I* however, spend the rest of the night trying not to break down in tears.  Of course I'm not at all mad or upset with The Boy.  The reality is, no matter how much I have my *sh&t* together and no matter what awesome/fun thing we're doing - the kids are probably always going to think aboutthat fact that we are now a 'Party of Three' - and... frankly, they liked being a party of four better.

It's hard know that no matter how hard I try, I will never be "enough".  I will never fully succeed at being Mom and Dad in any given situation.  Now, I'm not talking about removing El Capitan's influence or whatever... i'm just saying - physically, in this moment, on this trip - I can only be me and that will always leave a whole where the fourth person in our party once stood. 


*sigh*

So, we rode and rode and rode our cares away - and I used A LOT of our waiting time to really thinkg about what I want for the kids.... and what *kind* of single parent I want to be.

Being along with them doing somethig this busy and crazy and fun and distracted... I had some time to think about where my failings are as a parent and where/how I'm going to improve. 

That might seem like A LOT - but you do a butt-ton of waiting at The House of the Mouse. lolol

So we rode and laughed and ran to catch the next ride until the clock turned 8Pm while we were on Small World.  All that hap-hap-happy music surely wasn't helped my uterus un-contract.... and I wound up having to take a moment to on a bench and have a wee cry.

Not a *big* melodramatic cry - but just a small one. 

The Boy said he wanted to cry, too - because he didn't want to leave Disneyland either.  lol

The truth is.... we *ARE* a 'Party of Three"... and I guess that's just the way it was meant