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Re-Defining Thankful

11/22/2012

6 Comments

 
It's strange to me how it was so much easier to be Thankful when I had nothing.....  we lived pay check to pay check and I squeezed nickels out of pennies to makes sure we could do all the things we wanted to do for the kids and give them all the things we wanted them to have.

I had nothing, and yet:  I had everything.

I was so grateful to have a wonderful, loving husband and two wonderful children.  I was grateful to have a home we could live in and two running cars.  Mostly I was just grateful for my life.

This past month I have had my Facebook feeds first fill up with a ton of polictal stuff... yawn.  And then almost immediately, the newsfeeds started filling up with:  Day One, I am thankful for...... INSERT HAPPY HUSBAND, WONDERFUL HUSBAND, PERFECT MARTHA STEWART LIFE HERE.  I don't resent it - I'm happy for my friends that they have not know the kind of emotional turmoil that a divorce will wreak all over your life.  Really, I'm happy for them.

At the same time, I'm a bit jealous, too.  F*ck.  Way jealous.  Some of them are nicer than me, some of them aren't.  Some are more patient than me, and some of them are self-absorbed women who barely see past their own personal needs to attend to that of heir families.  I know that sounds harsh... but *all* have at least one of those friends.......

No matter, it's not about making comparisons.... but as it rolls up and down my feed day after day... it's get's hard to read after a while. 

No one wants me to put:  "I'm thankful that Yoga Girl had a clean snatch and I was spared the complication of an STD."  Having said that, I'm *am* very grateful for that..... a silver lining for sure.

Of course I'm grateful for my kids.... though at my current emotional state I'm beginning to wonder just how grateful they are for me right now.  The Bubbie has been handling them for the most part this week as I've checked out a bit emotionally.  Writing the book is really dragging me through it and FAST. 

Usually the pain and the betrayal of the past come and go like waives that wash over me - when I head a certain song or remember a certain moment in time.  I can process it and move forward with the day - leaving the bitterness where it belongs:  in the past.

Writing the book though, has me *living* in the past right now.  Living in the joy and love of what I once had.... making it so tangible and real that I have to keep reminding myself that's gone.  Then I'm left to feel the pain over and over and over again.  I'm having a hard time concealing that pain from the people in my life - my faily, my friends, and yes..... mostly likely, the children.

Big fat Mommy fail.

The only reprieve I has is Twilight.  Stupid and silly I know - but it's a story so engaging that I can check out, watch it for a few hours and then resume my own pain again.  Silly Edward and his dreamy eyes. lolol

I don't know how many people will read my book... or even buy it.  It certainly won't make me rich, but it's become *really* important to me to finish it.  To tell the whole story - the good, the bad, the ugly - even if I look like a raging, insane, beotch part of the time:  it has to be true.  It has to be as hole and full and honest as I can make it.

Now... good?  Well, that's a whole other debate and you'll all be the judge of that when it get's released in a few weeks. 

Yes, a FEW WEEKS.  How crazy is that?

So here I sit, blogging... I don't know how many blog posts I've written - probably close to 100 or so?  I'd never blogged before starting this (as I'm sure you grammar Nazi's will attest too) - and I'm sure I could have done it better.  Set it up better - I didn't know I was supposed to "tag" every entry so it'll register on Google.  lolol  Oh well.... but the numbers each *day* continue to climb and according to Google Analytics, I have people all over the world *reading* the blog - as far away as Israel, Iran, New Zealand and even Croatia.

Croatia - seriously?  That's a bit mind blowing.

Yes, I am thankful.  I am thankful for clients who have stuck by me through this trying time, and who have been incredibly patient with my turn around times this year.  I am thankful for family who took us in and provided us safety and security.  I am *VERY* thankful for my children.  I am thankful for their continued smiles in the face of my tears.  I am thankful for their hugs when I'm feeling alone.  I am thankful for the decolletage vase The Boy made me for all my flowers he brings me.  (Incidentally, I'm thankful that I figured out how to use the spell checker on Mozilla so that some a-hole won't email me later to tell me I'm stupid and can't spell decolletage.) I'm thankful for The Girl and her recent love of all things Peter Pan.  I'm thankful for their occasional bed wetting, mud-tracking, sibling bickering and scrapes and falls that require Mommy kisses because then I know they still need me.

I'm thankful that in spite of my failures and all that has happened.... the children still love me.  They still need me.

And, without sounding completely tripe and like I'm totally full of sh*t, I'm thankful for you.

I'm thankful for Alex, who sends me very well drafted and thought out emails and blog comments - she doesn't usually agree with me, and often she has hard advice, but I read every word, consider her view point and often take a lot of her advice.  I'm thankful that she spends the time to write to me.

I'm thankful for Mr. XXXXX - otherwise known as Jason, who shared with me his own mistakes and whose answers/excuses for his own situation are sooooo similar to El Capitans, that I can't help but take him at his word when he tells me that what's happened has less to do with me than I realize.  (El Capitan say's this too, but I have a hard time believing him.) 

I'm grateful for Emma who almost stopped reading the blog but stuck around in the end providing me tons of emails and blog comments and has shown me a great kindness and generosity that I am truly grateful for.

I'm thankful for Mercy - who's own life experience she has shared with me and she gives me great hope for my children, that they will stumble through this with me and come out the other side.  That has provided me more comfort than I could ever put into words.

I'm humbled by the amount of people who have written me and called me their "hero" and thanked me for sharing my journey.... I'm no one's hero, I can assure you.  All the same, it's a nice thing for someone to say. 

I'm thankful for all the magnet sales and donations that got us to Disneyland and I'm grateful for the time I had with the kids there - all the magic, all the fun, all the memories we made:  just the three of us.

Mostly though, I'm thankful for the blog in general.  I'm humbled by the very idea that (literally) thousands of people are coming here every week to read what I've posted.  To share in this journey and, most importantly, that I can be *ME*.

Sometimes that's Bitter Me.  Sometimes it's Happy Me.  Sometimes it's Reflective Me that wants Bitter Me to sac up and move the f*ck on.  Reflective Me usually turns into B*tch Me.  Who then sometimes turns right back into Bitter and Scorned Me. 

And.... you just let it happen.  You let it unfold and *be* whatever it is.  You allow me to be whoever I am and in doing that - I'm help to a higher standard.  Or at least, I think I am.  I write what I do *every* day - I write about how I feel, where I've failed, where he's failed, what my struggles are.  But just like I wouldn't want to do something that would forever shame my children, I don't want to do something that I'm not going to be willing to share with the entire planet later that night. 

It's a crazy thing - to be sitting here now.  I've been on TV?!?!?!  What the hell is that about? lolol  I'm writing a book.... !?!?!?!  It's all a little crazy... but crazy good.  Crazy comforting by strangers who have provided me wise and kind words when I was in my darkest hours.

I'm thankful for the blog and for everyone who reads it - I don't make a single *dime* off it, but when I do get from it is worth more than any google ad would ever pay me.  I'm grateful that people find my journey, or the story of my journey - or whatever it is that keeps them coming back every day - but they keep coming back and that's...... amazing.

Thank you for letting me be me. 
Thank you for letting me vent and cry.
Thank you for letting me bitter and angry.
Thank you for celebrating my highs right along with me.
Thanks you.... for not leaving me during my lows.

Thank you for listening and writing and emailing and commenting. 
I  hope that whatever is going on in your life, you have people willing to listen to you as well.

I'm thankful for where I am. 

However.... I would trade it all in to back in time and stop it all from happening.  To go back to my little house, and my happy life where my kids lived..... in one home with two parents who loved them.

And then there's this:

"But no, the very first thing I said to my ex upon "discovery" (as tears streamed down my face) was, "I wanted to grow old with you and play with our grandchildren together". I still tear up thinking about it. I did want to grow old with him. I truly believed he was my life partner and soul mate. I met him when I was 15 and didn't really know life without him. My wise friend Laura looked at me (with tears in her eyes) as I was telling her this and said, "you know Tracy, maybe his purpose in your life was not to grow old with you. Maybe his purpose was to be with you up until this point, and to provide you with two beautiful healthy children. And now his purpose in your life is done. Perhaps the universe is making room for others to come into your life. People who you would never know if this had never happened" WOW! That stunned me. Let that sink in for a minute...it is still sinking in."

I'm thankful that this reader took the time to share her experience with me.  Her words have rung in my ears since I read them..... what if El Capitan wasn't *the one*- he was just the one to get me *here*. 
What if his purpose wasn't to get me to the end of the race... but rather, help me over the hurdles in the first half and then step off the track?  It sure as sh*t sucks running the rest of this race alone.... but, I'm thankful I'm still here... still running.

I'm thankful for this blog, for all the wonderful (and even the not so wonderful few) - people who, by their willingness to share my journey, have helped shaped my perspective and attitude along the way.  It's a wonderful blessing, one I'm not entirely sure I'm worth of.... but I'll gladly accept it.

Thank you.

I hope you have a wone


6 Comments
Taun-Taun
11/21/2012 10:45:49 pm

Hugs to you. May you have a Happy Thanksgiving.

Reply
Jaimey
11/22/2012 01:17:49 am

<3
:)

Reply
emma
11/22/2012 07:14:37 am

Aww. Holidays are tough. Reading this brings me right back to almost a decade ago when I found out. Unfortunately, I didn't find out from a phone- I found out with my feet in stirrups t my gyno exam. lovely. There are so many sides to cheating. The hardest part for me was that he knowingly had sex with other people, then didn't tell me, effectively putting MY LIFE at risk. How can someone claim to love you while putting your life at risk? it's so much more than just messing around. El capitain also put your life at risk. I have my hands in fists lol. Well, It's not thanksgiving here, but I am also very thankful that yoga girl had a clean snatch. I think I will sip some wine with my friend later and have a cheers! for yoga girls clean snatch. Hear that yoga girl? finally your snatch will get the praise you think it deserves!

Also- my douche bag is finally heading to court over charges of doing this to many women. yup. So I guess I'm just getting a tiny taste of airing my dirty laundry out before i have to do so in front of a judge and jury.

I will say- you just don't know yet how amazing your life will be. I had many reasons to think I was never going to have a husband again (I mean, hello, on a lower level I'm damaged goods right?) Wrong. I never knew how amazing love could be until life truly started over with my second husband. My second chance. I thought I was happy in love before- but it's obvious now that I just didn't know how awesome life can be. And you know, I wouldn't be the person I am without my first either. I would not have been in a place to accept a true man- because I didn't know all the things I needed or didn't need in a partner. I would never settle for anything less again. so in a way I am thankful for my ex being a douche. Maybe he was what I needed to find my way at the time.

So cheers to his infected member as well. I'm in a genitalia cheersing mood.

Reply
Alex
11/22/2012 11:35:18 am

Elle-

I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving today, and I'm really touched you mentioned me and that you read my terribly long tl;dr emails/comments. Thank you!

I'm sorry if my advice ever seems hard, I don't mean it to be. I don't disagree with you all that often either. I think you're holding up and pushing through quite well. Hey, I'm not writing any books right now. I doubt any of my actions if I were in the same situation would reflect well on me. You, on the other hand, have spun straw into gold and grown as a person where as I would have sunk to pretty low levels like a rock. You've come through with your head held high and without blemish.

You're doing well. I do think you are rather hard on yourself, and I'll stand by that statement, but its better than being too easy on yourself, as others seem to be.

I don't know if I've shared this quote with you before, its good to reiterate anyway;

“Each man must look to himself to teach him the meaning of life. It is not something discovered: it is something molded" - Antoine De Saint Exupery

You're molding lady.

I'm not sure El Capitan was ever "meant" to be anything. He was someone you fell for, and someone who, for whatever reason, fell short of what he should have been and then fell apart from who he was, or who he seemed to be. He made decisions and had control over his actions. He wasn't destined to be a part of or leave your life.

I don't believe our destinies are written in the stars so much as they are written by our persons. We may have to rely on luck for many goals external to ourselves, but we always write who we actually are, which is the most important thing. For all his successes, does anyone want to be Donald Trump? ;)

I think many people are thankful for you, more than you think. You make yourself something to be thankful for in people's lives.

Happy Thanksgiving Chica! And happy Thanksgiving to your wonderful kids!

Best,

Alex

Reply
Mercy
11/24/2012 12:22:59 pm

Hi Elle,

Sorry I am late but Happy Thanksgiving! I am Thankful I found your blog where we could share and build a friendship. I am glad and honored any little experience I can share with you can help you somehow. At least to know in your heart that they will make it through especially as a great dedicated mom that you are. From these past sad months that your kids have had to go through keep in mind that the greatest lesson to be learned by them and they will digest it more and more everyday as they get older is what NOT to do when they are grown ups and how they will want their own marriages to work out. From first hand experience they will honor you for being supportive, loving, caring, and always there for them and that's is what they will want to provide for their own families. I can't wait to buy your book when it comes out!

Reply
vanessa
8/18/2013 04:45:22 pm

After 1.5 year relationship with my boyfriend, he changed suddenly and stopped contacting me regularly, he would come up with excuses of not seeing me all the time. He stopped answering my calls and my sms and he stopped seeing me regularly. I then started catching him with different girls several times but every time he would say that he love me and that he needed some time to think about our relationship.But cannot stop thinking about him so i decided to go online and i saw so many good talk about this spell caster and i contact him and explain my problems to him.He cast a love spell for me which i use and after 2 day, my boyfriend came back to me and started contacting me regularly and we moved in together after a few months and he was more open to me than before and he started spending more time with me than his friends. We eventually got married and we now have been married happily for 3 years with a son. Ever since Dr.Kumar of spellcasttemple@gmail.com helped me, my partner is very stable, faithful and closer to me than before.You can also contact this spell caster and get your relationshp fix Email: SPELLCASTTEMPLE@GMAIL.COM

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