So.

Turning 37 wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it might be ... wait. f*ck it... I'm 38. 
Crap.  lol

The day started off with me sleeping in and watching a little Twilight .. and then The Boy wanted to go to The Black Bear Diner for lunch... so we did. lol

Then the kids and I went to a friends for a playdate... awesome.  Then The Girl wanted McRobins (Red Robin) for dinner... so we went there. lol

Then I went to a (crappy) movie with a (fantastic) friend.

Oh.... and I opened this totally awesome present from a wonderful, wonderful client..... the box was bright red and sparkly and they even took the time to find a Twilight font for the card.... wow.

When I opened the box, inside was a page from The Twilight Saga that had been ripped out and 'burned' around the edges - and then underneath was the Reneesme locket from Twilight.  

Enscribed on the front in French is say's, "more than my own life" - which Bella tells Reneesme - "you mean more than my own life" and inside is a picture of Edward and Bella.

It's a beautiful piece... truly.  

More than that... I'm touched that someone would do such a truly wonderful thing for me.  

When I think back to last year.... my failed birthday where El Capitan was already 'dating' Yoga Girl.  They had already hooked up in my car.... lololol.  And on my birthday he sat at the other end of our dinning room table and was texting her.... and paused only to bring me the Target bag - tied down and filled with clearance Mickey Mouse plates that still had their little red discount stickers on them. lololol  What a f*cking fiasco.
cheers and much love, 
XXXXXXXXX"

Sh*t.  I didn't get home early enough to start the blog on time... now the dates are off- sorry kids. :)

Tonight was awesome..... went bowling with some friends and had a total blast.... I came in second after bowling three strikes in a row... booyah. lol

Tomorrow and the rest of the week are filled with coffee dates and lunches and whatnot..... there *really* is not a moment where I'm not thinking about how freaking lucky I am and how blessed my life is.  Truly.

I've been doing a bit of thinking today about that - how much my life has changed.... I suppose by some definitions, it's been changed in 'bad' ways... however, as happy as we all are - I have to think that all the changes have been.... as my Jewish Grandmother would say:  for the best.

I'm really proud of the fact that El Capitan and I have managed to get our relationship to come full circle and be back in a place of.... tentative friendship.  I think, like with anything - it'll never be what it was. I certainly never fully "trust" him again... bwahahahaha.  However, we are in a place where we can joke around and enjoy each other and the kids as a unit and I think it's really important that the kids can still have that.... camaraderie,

Also.... while I DO NOT,l in any way, shape or form - want to get back together with El Capitan - I think it's nice for ME to have gotten back to a place with him where we can enjoy each other.  It's awful to think that you could spent 11 years with someone - loving them, helping them, sharing your life with them .... and then wind up hating each other and never speaking. Never getting back to a healthy place.  I'm grateful to be where we are... and I realize that it'll be a bit of a struggle at times to stay there - but I think it's worth it.

On another note..... I kind of, may be met someone nice.... which is cool.  They are nice - good smile, kind, thoughtful..... and then they want to know what blog I write. 
Sigh.

While I don't think there will *ever* come a time when I regret writing The Blog - or The Book - I have to admit, that I dread first telling people about it. lololol.  It's a f*cking good thing I'm an honest person in general - because there is *nothing* but honest, raw emotion on these pages.... and I don't regret that.

I cannot tell you *how* inspiring and humbling it is to get emails from soooooo many of you who say that little ole' me has had a positive impact on their life... or that I'm "setting an example" they are trying to follow... etc.  Emails from people who say that they aren't sure how they would get through their own ordeal were it not for being able to follow mine.... as though I'm somehow helping them.

That's like... I don't know:  crazyawesomecoolinsanehumblingI'mnotworthy....just plain rad.

However.  I have no secrets anymore.  I don't get to have that ... you know - three dates of "privacy" where you can sort of slowly expose someone to your life and your past and your history.... I mean - someone can meet me and download my freakin' book onto their Kindle and BOOM:  life story is told.
Done.

I kind of.... I wouldn't say 'regret' that... but it certainly makes getting to know people a bit of a different kind of challenge.  I reassure myself that anyone who would write me off because of The Blog and The Book just aren't "worth my time" - but the truth is - I'm sure LOTS of people who would be worth my time find The Blog and run the other way..... and I can't really blame them.

I mean - this is a lot of intense and raw emotion.... those two things frequently scare people away. 
lol

So, we'll see what happens..... if they google me:  the cat will be out of the bag.  Big time. lol  But I can't really change it if they do.... and I can't take it back- nor would I, because while it's all here - it's still all true, it's all who I am and while I think it's a bit intense to find it all online.... I don't feel like I need to apologize for who I am or how I've handled my divorce.

There was a woman who commented on the post about The Huffington Post where she called me a psycho.... I'd love to tell you that those things don't hurt me:  but they do.  I know that her point is valid and that many people share her opinion of me and The Blog/Book,etc.  I understand that many people don't believe in sharing this much about their life and, in fact, see it as "abusive" to my children that I have shared this much.  First and foremost - I sure and sh*t hope it's not bad for the children.... I've learned so much from so many of you - and knowing I have to Blog has kept me on a level of accountability and *most* people wouldn't want to have... but I welcomed that.  Those things benefit them for sure.

And while I concede that there is a chance they could be made fun of by friends when they are older... well - sh*t - doesn't *everyone* get teased for something their parents do or say....?  lolol  Not sure I could stop that.... and - generally speaking - kids like me.  All kids, from babies to teenagers - I'm usually the kind of adult most kids like, so I'm not too worried about that.

Still..... I don't know.  F*ck it.  Honestly.  

There is seriously something wrong with our society that we are afraid to TRULY put ourselves out there and BE WHO WE ARE.  

Sometimes we are love.
Sometimes we are anger.
Sometimes we are betrayed.
Sometimes we are judged.
Sometimes... well... sometimes we're just plain f*cking pissed.

Why are we so worried with concealing these things?  Why must we find labels and take pills to deal with things.... to HIDE things?  That's not dealing.  That's RUNNING.  That's stuffing and forgetting.... that doesn't help you move on.

Just this last weekend when Goose was here she was talking about a girl in her high school who killed herself.... teen suicide rates are going THROUGH THE ROOF - and why is that?  Surely, an argument can be made that teenagers these days face A LOT more than we did.... however, I also think we have become a society that pintrests the sh*t out of our lives.  No longer can a mere Mother host a birthday party with few themed plates and a handful of games.... now it has to have a theme, a custom two-tiered cake and it better look like a f*cking Pottery Barn photo shoot is taking place.  I know I'm guilty of that.... but that's A LOT of pressure. lol

Kids these days don't get anything simple.  They are bombarded with mixed messages and text messages and email and facebook and you tube... and and and... it never ends. But if everyone else's life is pinterest perfect.... that doesn't leave room for real life - real emotion:  real pain... and let's face facts, there is NO WORSE PAIN than teenager pain.  

There is this great Ben Folds song - Smoke.  
Here's an evening dark with shame 
Throw it on the fire 
Here's the time I took the blame 
Throw it on the fire 
Here's the time we didn't speak 
It seemed for years and years 
Here's a secret 
No one will ever know the 
Reasons for the tears 
They are smoke 

Where do all the secrets live 
They travel in the air 
You can smell them when they burn 
They travel 

Those who say the past is not dead 
Stop and smell the smoke 
You keep on saying the past is not dead 
Come on and smell the smoke 
You keep saying the past is not even past 
You keep saying 
We are, smoke


I think we don't give away enough of our pain... we don't let it become 'smoke'.  We hold onto for a myriad of reasons... shame, we want to seem perfect to other people, we're worried about being judged... we don't want to admit that HAVE shame or sadness or pain.... and I think when we do that - when we *don't* allow our issue's to become smoke.... they become a fire and in time... they will burn us alive from the inside out.

I'd rather put my 'smoke' out there for the world to see.... than allow those things to burn within.

I guess if I wind up living alone forever.... well:  that'll suck.  However, I'd rather LIVE OUT LOUD... than suffer in silence.   I'd rather be open about my pain.... I'd rather share that with the world - that keep it to myself.

Come to think of it.... NO ONE has ever sent me an email that said that their day was made WORSE because of what I wrote on my blog... it's always the opposite so I have to assume that people relate to what I feel and what I say and somehow.... in that relating - we're connected.  

If being connected to thousands a people a month through my emotions and my journey makes me a psycho... then I guess I'm ok with that.  lol

But I can tell you one thing:  54 pounds DOWN... this psycho has earned some cake on her birthday!!!!!

Happy Birthday to me! :)



  

As my birthday approaches I'm spending a good bit of time thinking about where I thought my life would be and *where* it actually is.

First and foremost, I distinctly remember losing a debate with Angie circa 1983 where it was begrudgingly agreed that we would all be riding around in flying cars and living in houses in the sky that had floors that "walked" for you. Most importantly, I wouldn't have to learn how to cook becuase I was pretty freaking sure that by *now* (by the time I was a 'Mom'), my oven would prepare and cook all my meals for me.

Jetsons style.

Well... needless to say, the only thing 'space age' about the Mazda 5 is the MP3 plug in for my phone so that kids and I can listen to music from my Amazon cloud.  Wait... ok - that actually *is* kind of cool.  But I can assure you that the only mechanical walking that's being done is *by* me at the gym on the treadmill!  I do dream of the day when I can just like lay in some kind of machine while it moves my legs and arms for me - lolol.  Ok... may be I'm not *that* lazy. :)

Suffice to say, the world at large is not where I thought we would be by the time I go to my 'late' thirties.  We still have a fairly large portion of our society - namely the LCBTQ community - who can't be "legally" married which really boggles my mind.  I can't seem to wrap my brain around how there is really no social protection for "actual" marriage - we make excuses "she was a bitch/she got fat/he could always do better" etc.... and yet, then we act like male/female marriage is some kind of institution that needs to be "protected" from the deviants of the LGBTQ community.

Strange.

If 'marriage' needs to be protected at all, it's from the prying eyes and gossipy words of people around us who judge us and talk about us - instead of talk *to* us about issue's or problems.  Marriage, as we culturally understand it to be, should be protected by those are IN IT.... it doesn't actually need any 'legal' protection at all, in my humble opinion.

For instance, right after El Capitan left, *several* people came to me and told me that they knew a friend of theirs was cheating on their spouse and while they knew about the affair they weren't sure if they should tell the other spouse... etc.  I would ask if they had spoken to the cheater?  Well, no - that would seem awkward. 

Huh?  Awkward........? 

Awkward is finding 3,000 text messages on your spouses phone line to another person who um.. isn't YOU. lololol Trust me - that sh*t was awkward.

Mostly people would ask me if they should tell the spouse who as being cheated on - you know... because they didn't want to interfere with someone else's life, etc.... blah blah excuse blah.  What the hell people!?!?!  Of course you tell the spouse being cheated on.

In the first place, there are medical issue's to consider and if one spouse is having sex with someone outside the marriage - you have a *duty* to tell the other spouse.  They are making sexual decisions with their spouse based on false information - and they should be notified as soon as possible if the person they are trusting with their bodies is potentially exposing them to an STD.

I got lucky..... Yoga Girl kept a clean snatch.... and I *really* cannot thank her enough.  Far too many women in my shoes wind up with alllllll kinds of STD's - which really is a gift that keeps on giving in the worst kind of ways. 

In the second place, if you saw a friend crossing the street and a MAC truck was barreling down the road ready to run them over... wouldn't you yell for them to run and get out of the way?  Of course you would.... and knowing about an affair *is* the MAC truck and it will run your friend over eventually.  

We're more afraid to have honest conversations with our *friends* - but we're willing to VOTE on whether or not people who we don't know - might never meet - can "legally" get married?  It really does boggle my mind.  I'm not sure I understand how we live in a world that has sooooo much to say about how we live inside our own front doors - and yet.... it's the year 2013.

I really was sure we'd be so much further down the road........

The funny thing is:  I never had dreams for myself.

Like, you know how you write a five year plan or a ten year plan.... I never had one of those.  I never... I don't know - I just never had any real 'dreams'.... other than just wanting to be happy.   I never really had a vision for where my life would end up.

I never had a 'dream house'... well, ok, that's *not* entirely true.  I really, really wanted the Malibu Barbie Beach House.  My childhood idol - Susan - had one and it was *amazing* - with it's yellow structure and orange roof... MAN... I really wanted that house.  I still do. lololol

I never had a 'dream car'.... still don't.  I'm not a car person.  I don't care about color or style or whatever.... I have a friend who is obsessed with her cars in the worst way.  She'll park waaaaaaay down at the end of a parking lot just to try to make sure that no one 'door dings' her car. lol  I however, am the proud owner of like a *zillion* door dings and scratches and markings alllll over the Mazda 5. It's just a car - it's exterior is made for dings and scratches:  it's the contents that I don't want to get all dinged up. :)

I never had.... a 'dream husband'.  Like, you know how people have "types" - a style of person, or a lifestyle of a person that they are more drawn too.... ?  I never had one of those.  I just kind of fall in love and go with it - tall, short - skinny... dark hair, light hair.... whatever.  Most importantly:  you have to make me laugh.  If you can make me laugh (oh, and of course you find me just a little bit funny, too) - then you are pretty much gold in my book.... 

Kids.  Kids - however - are different.  I never saw the where and the who and the *why* of where I would end up in my life - but no matter what: it involved kids.  Always kids.  I always wanted to be a Mom - to have a boy and a girl and for them to be happy.

Coming up to my birthday there are certainly a lot of changes from last year... to say the very least. lol.  I kind of worried about how I would handle my birthday - because this time last year was the few days in between just starting to text with Yoga Girl and having sex with her.... which emotionally was a tough time in our home because I knew something was going on but I had no idea the monsoon that was heading my way. lol

Approaching this day - much like the holidays - I was worried that I might 'go under' a bit and drown a little in the memory of what was going on last year.... however, the *good* news is that... I feel fine.

That seems slightly crazy to me..... but, the days are going along just fine - if anything, they are incredibly busy and full of friends and coffee's and things to do.... and kids.

Our kids.  Who are full of snuggles and kisses and laughter and happiness.... so as far as I can tell, even without a home to call our own:  we're happy... wait:  I'M HAPPY.

I'm not sure I need to have anything else for my birthday.... just.... Happy.

Oh... except for the fact that I've realized that flying cars are *not* going to happen in my lifetime AND... that at 37 it's probably time that I start working on a 5 or 10 year plan - that includes who I want to be and who I want to be with.... so.  The Thinking has STARTED.  and I'll keep ya' posted..... :)

Wow.  This weekend was just insane.

For one - I had social events on both Friday and Saturday which involved some of my favorite people.  As the only totally sober person there:  I have the best memories! :)

Then we had a big family weekend of activities as McGhee and Goose (her daughter/my God-daughter) and The Chicken Lady were all in town for a baby shower.  

The weekend was all family and laughter and fun - and ended with a 45 minute wait for McGhee and I to buy donuts at Voodoo Donuts where proof is found that All Good Things Come In Pink Boxes.

Part of the Voodoo experience is waiting in the line right next to the hipsters and the homeless people and the teenagers giddy from staying out late and the romantic people all dressed up on dates... far too dressed up to be juxtaposed next to homeless buskers... but still:  I'm not sure anything *is* more romantic than a penis donut.... or their family Maple Bacon donut.

It was awesome.  Mostly, it's just a blessing to spend the weekend with someone who's known you since you were 6 years old because you've already said and done just about every stupid thing you're ever going to do ... so you don't have to worry about embarrassing yourself.  


And of course, we were incredibly popular when we walked in the door with our Pink Boxes... which had been lovingly filled by the nicest girl at Voodoo - who always remembers me because I tip *very* well.  I'm  a bit of tipper though - I always tip the bartender $5 (even though all I get is water), I always tip the man who pumps my gas $1 (In Oregon it's against the law to pump your own gas.... seriously. lol), I always tip a waitress more than 30%.  I figure there are lots of people who don't tip or are just plain rude and I try to do my part to tip the people who are doing something for me. :)

McGhee thinks this is hilarious and .... wrong. lol

Then today we went to the baby shower.... who doesn't love a baby shower?  Cute little tiny baby clothes.... oh how I wish I could have more babies.  I love love love babies and kids.....
sigh.

I got a text from a client saying that they had "left something on my porch" - turns out, The Boy found what as on the porch but because their cousin was over to play, he quickly reported his findings to The Papa who removed the colorful and enticing baskets from the porch and hid them in the office until our cousin went home.

According to The Boy, he said he noticed that each basket had only one name on it - and he, of course, was willing to share his candy with the cousin, he thought that the cousin might feel left out not to have gotten a basket of their own, so he wanted them stashed away.

I'm pretty sure I can file that under:  BEST SON IN THE WORLD.  :)
big, heart melting sigh.......... 

While I'm not surprised - because this is who The Boy has always been - I am always so grateful to have a son who is such a kind, compassionate and gentle spirit - who truly does put other people and their feelings first.  There they were:  two colorful baskets full of chocolates and candy and stuffed toys and and and and.... does there *need* to be any more for most kids to just want to rip through them?

Instead.... The Boy thinks about his wee cousin's feelings first.
again.... big heart melting sighs abound.

Each basket had been lovingly and carefully filled with things my children both like:  each one had a collection of plastic eggs filled with a few dollars, a chocolate egg, a stuffed Darth Vader and a bunny..... and of course:  more candy!

The Boy had come running out of the office with them after the cousin went home - and I was so shocked - I thought my client had left something else and I was totally caught off guard by the gesture.  

They were both out of their ever-candy-lovin' minds just with all the goodies and then The Boy opened up an egg and a note fell out - he excitedly read it aloud:

"The Boy:
I am a little bunny who had hopped all day, 
Delivering baskets for the holiday!
My paws are so tired and my hose - how it itches!
I left you this small, special treat to fulfill all your wishes - 
Lots of little Easter bunny hugs and kisses!
Thanks for being such a good little man!"

After reading the last line, The Boy was jumping up and down and screaming about how the Easter Bunny thinks he's a "good little man".  He was soooooo excited.... and me?  I was almost exploding with happiness that at 8 years old my son still believes in the value of being recognized as a 'good boy' - AND - more shockingly  that he still believes in magical things like The Easter Bunny.

Often divorce, or really any kind of major tragedy in a family, can kind be an explosion of emotion that burns out what little magic is still burning for small children  they become jaded and far too wise far too young.  While I know The Boy is wise, and he has *not* been spared as many of the details of our divorce as I would like.... it was an amazing blessing to see his eyes light up with magic and to know he is still capable of believing in that, at least for now.

I know these days are going to be short lived.... it seems like 8 is going to turn into 16 any day now.. lololol
They were two, very thoughtful Easter baskets.... but I was more grateful for the feeling of validation that The Boy and The Girl got from their "Easter Bunny notes" - than anything else... what a great wee gift to give them.... I really cannot say how lucky I am to have so many amazing people in my life.

Truly.  AMAZING. people.  There isn't a day that I don't think I'm actually not worthy of most of these people - so I just keep trying to do right, be kind and move in truth so that may be one I will actually be worthy.
sigh.

Then, there was one special box for The Girl - a belated birthday present.... she couldn't believe her eyes:  it was the singing Sofia The First doll.  Wow... you'll be happy know that Sofia is safely tucked into bed with The Girl tonight who refused to let her go.  She's totally in love.

In other news.... I'm not down 53 pounds.  Yup.... 53 pounds.  :)
boof*ckingyah.

So clearly - the basket of candy eggs and whatnot is off-limits.
Though.... who needs candy when you have a life as sweet as mine? :)

Tonight I'm just plain pissed.

Last month The Huffington Post ran a "story" - which was really just someone's "opinion" about several "signs" that ex's have made about their spouses:  mine was included.  The title of said "story" was something about how "These Psycho Ex's Will Make You Grateful For Yours."  or some such thing... but they called me a psycho.

I didn't over react, you know.... like a *real* psycho would, instead I researched the writer and after being unable to find an email or any formal contact information for her, I found her on facebook and contacted her there.

I sent her a polite email asking her to remove me from the story as the reference to me as a 'psycho' seemed not only out of context  but bordered on defamation in that my ex had APPROVED the sign and therefor this was something we did together, etc.  Of course, just a wee bit of actual journalism and 'research' on her part, and she would have already known that. 
Sigh.

I received an email from an Editor at The Huff Post stating that they would remove 'psycho' and change it to be "5 Ex's Who Make You Grateful For Yours."  Really?

REALLY?

Clearly, you did not one *ounce* of research about my story, about what has happened and how I have (or have not, as the case might actually be) conducted myself in the course of the breakdown of my family.  Let me make something super, duper preschool-level clear:

MY EX IS F*CKING LUCKY TO HAVE ME.
Believe that.

He cheated.
He LIED.

I let him go.
I WALKED AWAY FROM SPOUSAL SUPPORT.

I handled EVERY aspect of our divorce and gave him HALF of everything.
Did you read that.......?  There were no late night escapades running up our credit cards and saddling him with further debt.  There were no late night runs to the dump with his prized Nintendo collection. 

I wanted our pots and pans.... so I BOUGHT HIM A BRAND NEW SET.

I took the kids movies, the romance movies and gave him his treasured boring ass HobbitStarWarsJackassLOSTseries movies.... EVERY. SINGLE. ONE.  Mint in their boxes.

I could have strapped those shiny discs to my kids feet and taught them to ice-skate with them on our hardwood floors... *especially* his sacred LOST collection.... but I did not.  They were nicely dusted and boxed.

Oh.  And.... while HE was busy banging his 22 year old girlfriend.... ALL. THE. TIME:  hence he had NO time to help me pack up the *entire* contents of our home - *I* am the one to who did it.

I PACKED OUR HOME.
I PACKED HIS STUFF.
I RENTED HIM A STORAGE UNIT - and moved all of his boxes - ALONE.
and gave him the motherf*cking key..... with three months paid in advance.

Oh yeah.... I'm a real 'psycho', huh?
I'm such a horrific ex-wife.... you should like write a story about me and post it online, okay?

I handled our ENTIRE divorce.  No attorney's were used.
I handled the SALE OUR OF HOME.  I saved us THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS... of which he got half.

Man.... I am *such* a money-grubbing whore.

I made - what we BOTH thought - was a funny sign to sell our home.  However, only ONE of us stood in front of the media cameras.  

Only ONE of us was thrown to the media wolves for being a fat-ass.... 
Only ONE of us received comments that said:

"Of course her husband left her.... I wouldn't f*ck her either."
"No man wants to f*ck a cow......"
"I'd leave that fat heifer for a hot 22 year old in a heartbeat........"

A lesser person.... a 'psyco' - would have been ALL. TOO. HAPPY. to reveal the name of the 22 year old - who I can *assure* you is not *that* hot.... and let the vultures pick over her carcass.... but I did not.

I took it all.
I took it all - and I kept their identities secret. 
I allowed them the courtesy of their shared privacy at my own expense.

I could have sewn a cyber Scarlet-Letter to her chest in a second..... branded her at 22 for being a 'home-wrecker'.... but I did not.  THAT would be bullying and wrong on about a zillion levels... but mostly, because I'm a Mom and in spite of the fact that she helped break up my home, I respected the fact that she's a f*cking human being and someone else's daughter and AS SUCH, I have treated her with more respect than she has ever shown me and......  I protected her.

Clearly, I'm insane and bent on all forms of revenge.

Not *only* that, but seeing as how they STILL live together, I have not only tolerated their relationship - but have supported it with the children.  If she is going to be in the role of "step-parent" - it is in the children's best interested that they have a functioning and trusting relationship with her - and THAT is exactly what I have cultivated for them.

What a f*cking b*tch I am.

Finally, just a few weeks ago my sons teacher told me a story about how another parent was observing class and noted how funny and easy-going The Boy is - and actually SAID to the teacher, that he - THE BOY - our son - must have a wonderful and secure home-life.

The teacher laughed and said.... "If you only knew......"

But you know what - that parent was RIGHT.  Both our children are *HAPPY* and functioning and still carefree in spite of going through the loss of our home, the extremely sudden divorce of their parents - because I WORKED REALLY F*CKING HARD ON IT.  Me.  My ex was busy creating a new life and dealing with his own personal issue's..... he didn't even show up on Christmas.

In a MERE eleven months...... because *I* held on - because *I* was there for our children, they have a healthy relationship with their Father.  They have seen him fail - fail them and fail our family.... and yet I have taught them that there will be people in their lives who will fail them and that they will not always be able to walk away from these people.  Sometimes, you have to understand that people make bad decisions - and it's okay to love them anyway.  They know that we do not always have to approve of the decision other people make, we don't have to like everything about them - and it's still ok to love them.

So here we are:  ONE WHOLE FAMILY living in two homes.  BooYaa.
Sh*t..... I wish I wasn't such a revengeful b*tch ruining my children and turning them against their Father as though that were some kind of prize... to prove one parent dysfunctional and useless.

I'm not a saint. I'm overweight.  I have a potty mouth (clearly).  My grammar and spelling are dire at times.... but I have shared this journey as openly and *honestly* as I can WITH HIS PERMISSION.  I have never written or published *anything* without my ex's written and expressed permission.
Period.

We live, the children and I, with family.  We share one bedroom - we sleep in one small bed.  I go to the gym relentlessly.  I work hard, save pennies where I can - and do THE BEST I CAN for all five of us - Me, The Ex, The Girlfriend and our kids..... because I'm the Mom and that's my f*cking job.  

HUFFINGTON POST:  please stop defaming my name.  Please stop calling me a psycho or implying that I could be one of the worst ex-wives in history....... because you're wrong.  You should care enough about the basics of journalistic integrity to do a little research and get my story right - why?  Because I'm a human being and I deserve the smallest amount of respect from you - a online "news source" (as you claim to be).

Finally...... you should know that the ex and I are taking the kids on holiday - TOGETHER - as a joint birthday present to them.  How many ex-wives can even BE IN THE SAME ROOM - let alone take a trip and stay in the same hotel room with their ex-husband without killing each other?

This b*tch.... that's who.
And you know what.... I'm damn proud of that.

I did the RIGHT THING when many other's would have done the wrong thing.
I put my children first and my hurt and anger waaaaaaaaaaaaay second.  

I have never been 'revengeful' in my actions.
I have never been 'psycho' in my decisions.

My past actions have led me to a place of healing and a place where my life is good, our children are happy and I'm grateful for the little I have.... and it's little believe me.

I would, at the very least, like to keep some small shred of my reputation in tact, which won't happen if you keep running half-assed articles with sh*tty headlines that just AREN'T true.

I understand that everyone interprets the sign I made differently.
I also understand that people are entitled to their opinions.

But, if you are a somewhat trusted "news source" - then please consider someone's feelings when you label them as a 'psycho' or write a title that claims that they are such an "awful" ex - that you might be glad for the one you have?

Mean..... is not journalism.

Hmm...... I sat down tonight to realize that last nights post is gone... poof.  Gone.

So..... I'll try this again.  lol

As I wrote, I've been trying to go out more and carve out a new life for myself - which.... I kind of *have* to do to some degree.... and I usually go out at night after the kids have gone down for the night, but they know I'm not home and they know that that is different from how their lives have been before, which leaves me feeling a bit torn.

Two nights ago I came home from a night out with friends to find the note above laid out carefully on the counter so that I would see it as soon as I got home.  How freakin' sweet is that?  Though... typical eight year old - The Boy adds a random Easter reference?  lololol

I really feel torn about .... *who* I am now, let me explain.

When you're in your twenties - life is still new.  Your heart hasn't been properly broken, you're young, able to stay up all night and work the next day with an exhausted but happy smile on your face and then go out again the next night.  You're fresh and fun and looking forward - all too happy to leave curfews and parents and rules and books and studying behind you. 

Well, sh*t is a bit different at 37, now I look in my my rear-view mirror and I see two smiling kids - who may or may not be arguing over who is using the Disney Princess "laptop" and The Boy is usually yelling at me to hit play again on "This is the Life" by God-Des & She (*note* - they happen to be my new favorite band - but some people might find them controversial.  This is The Life - is a really inspiring song for me about starting over, being strong, and being grateful - which, I find all of those things relevant to our situation.)

Sadly..... both my children have inherited my affinity to "replay".  I can watch Twilight five times in a day and not be bored, I can listen to one song over and over and over on re-peat and never get sick of it.  My kids are the same - which is fine so long as I like the song they choose. lol  When I was dating Mick (in Scotland) - I was obsessed with painting his bathroom, so when he went away on tour one weekend I turned on my Hanson EP of MMMMMBop - and I listened to that ONE SONG for like.... 11 hours straight.  Just over and over and over on repeat.  It kept me going, kept me taping and painting..... his roommate however, was less thrilled and the next day he told me if he ever heard that song again he would pour acid in his ears. lol

Well... Hanson isn't for everyone, I guess.

Anyhow... needless to say - my rear-view is more than slightly cluttered with a lot of success and failure and love and kids and happiness and sorrow... and good:  lots of good.  However, in spite of the good - it's all changed me.  It's all become a part of me - the good and the bad - and that makes it just a little bit harder to run full force at your future without caution, without hesitation.  

I kind of think that that is where we go wrong - starting over later in life - we have forgotten how to be carefree and fly by the seat of our pants.... well, no, actually I don't think I'll ever forget how to fly by the seat of my pants.... these pants have managed to get me into some crazy/awesome/insane/rad situations:  I trust them emphatically.  

I've always danced to my own drummer..... always.  Sometimes I get plenty of sh*t for that - for sure... however, my life is choc-full of amazing events...

Living alone in London......?  Yes please.
Touring across Europe with bands.....?  Please and thank you.
Finding love and getting married after three weeks.... for TEN YEARS?  Done and.... grateful.

I don't really have any regrets for the things I've done - the chances I've taken.  I don't, in fact  miss any of that caution I threw to the wind over and over and over.... and why the f*ck should I?   I have *crazy* luck - really - I'm like a walking one in a million chick:  if you don't think it'll happen to *anyone* you know... it's probably already happened to me or is about to.  

Most of my friends will tell you that life with me is NEVER dull. 
Never.

Of course, dull would be easier.  Dull would certainly not be running a blog that 18,000 people a month are reading.... (how freakin' awesome is that?!?!?!!), dull would not be going on The View.... or writing a book in 16 days.  So, needless to say... I'll never be dull. lololol

I've said it before, but after you've been to the bottom of your pit.  After you've turned yourself inside out trying to drain out every ounce of pain.  After you've twisted yourself as tight as you can to wring out every last tear.... well:  dude, there just isn't too much that going to come at me in life that is ever going to hurt me that badly that doesn't involve a casket and a funeral, so I'm running at my future with an open mind, baggage free and ready to throw *some* caution to the wind (you know - Mom of two great kids, I gotta' keep some caution in my pocket for their benefit).

I don't want to wind up old and unhappy - looking at years of a life that wasn't lived to it's fullest.
I don't want to look back and realize that time spent worrying was really just time lost... time I won't get back.
I *had* wanted to grow old, holding my husbands hand, watching our grand-kids playing:  together.
I spent months mourning the loss of that - which I think is pretty common in my situation, I hear it from a lot of people - accepting that the dreams you had for your future are gone is hard to accept.

What I've come to realize though - is that THOSE DREAMS ARE STILL ALIVE.

I just have to make room for changes.  I have to make room for those people who are going to come into both our lives who will *also* be sitting there with us enjoying the fruits of the love we once had.  People who will (hopefully) have loved our children as we do and find as much joy in their lives and families......
Sh*t... seeing as how we'll be super old and stuff, Yoga Girl can wipe our asses for us - you know - cuz she'll still be so much younger.... bwahahahahahaha.  Built in nursemaid. lol

Why should I throw away the whole image... when the truth is - I just have to be willing to add a few more people to the frame.... and whaaalaa:  happiness.
Done.

Happiness is a choice:  you choose it... or you don't.
Baggage is *also* a choice:  you either pack it.... or you don't.

I for one, have un-packed my bags, grabbed onto to happiness and life..... life is so much the better for it.  I can promise you - my children are better for it.  

I get *a lot* of email from men and women going through what I've been through - or who are at the start of a separation or divorce and I try to give the best advice I can, but it always boils down to this:  act in kindness.

Do not act in anger - even if it's justified.
Do not act in vengeance - even if you can get away with it.
Do not act in hate - because.... you won't always hate.
If you do those things, you don't just have baggage, you'll have stained yourself - and it's much, much harder to wash that off later.

As I go out and meet new people I'm always a bit surprised to find them still "sad" about an ex from years ago... really?  YEARS?  C'mon people.... sac up and move on! lololol

This Is The Life..... whether you chose it and built it and got everything you wanted..... or, the one someone else's actions have handed you - THIS IS THE LIFE.  This Is The Life because you ain't gettin' another one.  There isn't going to be a do-over.  There isn't going to be a second chance to go back and take back time you gave away to pain and anger.  Pain and anger are some hoarding b*tches and they aren't going to give you back the days you handed them.

This Is The Life.... this is the path that we chose.... hopefully we'll make it - but who knows......?

Right or wrong, I chose El Capitan.  I knew the issue's our marriage had - the unresolved problems that haunted us.... and we had kids anyway.  I knew we had trouble communicating.  I knew he had unresolved baggage from a childhood he didn't particularly enjoy..... and we bought a house and built a life.  

By that token - I'm also somewhat responsible for the life we have now.  I know... that sounds a bit harsh, but it's true.  You can't move forward unless you own where you went wrong.  You can change and keep from making the same mistakes, unless you accept where *you* went wrong.  Not where someone else went wrong... but you, or rather.... *ME*.  

So this is me...... This Is The Life.... and I'm going to live it - flying along by the seat of my pants and enjoying every second and living in gratitude for what I have - because you know what...... I have a lot to be grateful for, not the least of which is two great kids who asked for triple hugs and kisses at bedtime tonight because after spending two amazing fun-filled days with Dad... they missed their Mommy.

Best of all.... 11 months into this situation:  they feel safe loving *both* of us.
That's such a huge thing to be grateful for........

We moved around quite a bit when I was younger, so while I don't I was ever very good at being the 'new kid', I certainly had a freakin' ton of practice.

Starting over at 37..... in *so* many ways:   I'm the new kidd.

I'm not afraid of that, but that doesn't mean that it isn't hard.  All of my friends are married - in pairs, in sets of two.... and let's face it:  there's a reason Noah didn't load up the Arc with singles - then it just would have been The Love Boat. hahahaha

In all seriousness - being the single person in a room changes the vibe just a little - it changes the aura of the room.  I no longer fit in nicely with another pair at the dinner table - now I'm seated next to the chair that holds the extra coats and handbags and .... junk.

Party of two:  Me plus the junk.
Awesome. lol

OK..... it's not *usually* that bad - but you get the idea.  Being along in a room full of paired off people can have challenges you never anticipated.  I know all these people- I know who they are, what they like, and we have stuff we can talk about.... but they can all stand side by side while I stand:  alone.  So there is a connection but it ends with me.  

Most of the time I don't mind being alone.... I have the kids and teaching and the gym and a pretty busy life, which I *really* enjoy.... but I have to admit, going home alone all the time does wear ya' down a bit. lol

Mind you - I'm not about to settle for the wrong person just to have a "person".  Know what I mean?  It's better to be alone that be with the wrong person.  It's easier to be strong along - then recover in emotional weakness when things don't work out.

I'm a wuss:  I like easy. hahahaha

Alex (blog reader) asked me months ago what my "perfect partner" would be.... so here goes:

Strong - but more in mind and spirit, I can pretty much arm wrestle (and win) almost every guy I ever dated.... so I can hold my own in a decent bar fight.  However, someone who is strong of mind and spirit will be a strength to our whole family unit - that would be important.

Funny - I need to laugh.  lolololol.  Seriously.  Kids bleeding into their own eyes, allergies to pink glow bracelets, going blind in both eyes.... my life is full of crazy a$$ sh*t that makes *NO* sense - Jenny B was just saying the other day how if she didn't actually SEE these things happening, she's swear I was making stuff up. lolol  Sadly.... she knows I'm not.  Needless to say - you better be able to find the silver lining and that it better  be a funny one at that.

Open - I talk too much.  That's for damn sure.  I want to be with someone who is open and talks... stories about their life, their childhood.... what they want out of life - who they want to be, etc.  I enjoy hearing about other people's lives.... so if you're not going to share, that won't work for me.

Honest - needless to say... f*cker best be honest.  No shady stuff.  I'm not going to start checking someone's cell phone while they shower.... but more importantly - someone who value's honesty and trust as much I do - wouldn't give me a reason to check their phone.

Kids - they have to like my kids.  I met someone last week - and they were nice - had *great* eyes... and they joked that they "hated kids"  and that every time they see one they have to fight the urge to "stick out their leg" and trip 'em.  Yeah... needless to say - that conversation was over pretty quick.

Four years ago today I was being prepped for surgery and we were waiting for our beautiful 10 pound baby girl to join us.

She was eager - almost three full weeks early - there was talk about her lungs, but I was pre-eclamptic and going downhill fast, so there wasn't time to wait.  My Mom was with me and they wheeled us into the OR - and I was sooooo excited to get to meet my sweet and girl and even *more* excited that it was St. Patty's Day!

My biological father was born and raised in Northern Ireland - so I'm in the only "American" in my Da's family.  We've never had a functional relationship... and I refrain from being public about why because he had other children whose lives I don't wish to ruin with the details of the rare kind of dirt bag he's been to me... lol

However.... I'm about as 'black Irish" as it comes.  Black hair, pale skin, red cheeks, light eyes.... oh, and I can tell a story like non-other.  Clearly.  

I was *super* stoked for The Girl to get an Irish birthday.
Today started with a crown (that say's Irish Princess) and a wand!
Which - The Girl - was thrilled about.  The Bubbie has always made her birthday dresses - and today was no different... though I think we're rounding the corner to the end of being able to stuff her into baby-doll dresses. lol  She looked totally adorable... see picture above.  hahahahaha

So the day started with a birthday song and lots of kisses and excited with The Girl telling me that she wanted to go to her "Princess Party......"  ... sh*t.  No Princess Party planned. lol  I had driven around for three hours on Friday to find Disney Princess plates and napkins for her cake and stuff... I was hoping to hell a $1 crown from Target and the right plates would suffice.

We got up and got dressed.... and then we headed for birthday breakfast.  When El Capitan and I split up, I wrote up in our Parenting Plan that I get the children on their birthdays - I mean... they were *literally* cut out of my own body... so I kind of felt I got to call dibs on that day.  El Capitan agreed.

The run-up to The Girl's birthday I was trying to decide what we should do.  He usually see's them on Saturday - and he could just celebrate with them on that day..... but I really felt like we were *past* that.  I felt like we were in a space and time where we could celebrate this *family* event *as* a family.  I kind of think that that's how it should be.  So on Wednesday I asked El Capitan what he thought about the four of us having breakfast for The Girl's birthday.  He agreed.

I *cannot* tell you just HOW excited The Girl was when I told her..... there was dead silence for a few seconds - and then she screamed and clapped her hands and jumped up and down... like- for a *while*.
sigh.

Why the f*ck has it taken us this long to get here.......?
sigh.

So we arrived and El Capitan was already at a table - and we ordered..... only I didn't notice that El Capitan only ordered a $2.95 side order and no actual breakfast.  He said he didn't want me "paying for his food".... sigh.  I think that's a silly game and I'm not taking the bait.  I invited you to *family* breakfast - clearly I'm paying... get f*cking breakfast:  it's not that hard.  lol

But we had a *great* time at breakfast.  The kids had a blast and it occurred to me that it's been almost a year since we were all together like this... *in fact* - the last time we had dinner out as a family was the Saturday before I found out about Yoga Girl *AND* was THE NIGHT that El Capitan went to her house and had sex with her.

What a "last meal" that sh*t turned out to be... lololololol

Sitting at the table. looking at once *was* and what "should be" ..... and piecing together the timeline - I should have gotten upset or mad.... but honestly:  it didn't at all.  Not even a little bit.  I was more annoyed he would order a freakin' meal. hahaha

I brought up Yoga Girl (again) because now that we are *quickly* rounding the corner to them living together for a *year* AND.... drum roll:  Yoga Girl is taking El Capitan home to meet her parents soon..... YES - that is happening.  lolol

I pointed out that her family  *might* wonder how it's possible that she hasn't met his children.... in fact - that's something I wonder about and something we should change.  He still resists.  Which is fine - it's his relationship, not mine - and I have to wait for him to think it's the "right time" with Yoga Girl to do it.

I say it's the right time.... the kids want to meet her - it's been a source of hurt and confusion for The Boy - and I think it's holding the three of them back from moving forward as their own unit.  I told him that we (the adults) need to sit down and talk about discipline styles, etc - and come to agreements on how situations are handled, etc.

Then, the *THREE* of us need to introduce Yoga Girl to the children.  I think it's important for *them* to see me in the same time and space as Yoga Girl - they need to understand that while I don't approve of some choices that have been made - I can *still* support the person and the role of adult/authority she would play in their lives as someone who is in a committed relationship with their Father.

I don't have to like her... I'm not the one f*cking her.... lol
That's El Capitan's job.

I do however, have a responsibility to help lay a foundation for the children to be able to find stable footing in a relationship with her and help them bond with her.  If it doesn't work... well, it's not the first relationship that will have failed them and somehow I doubt it'll be the last.... BUT - if we can teach them how to be tolerant, how to be compassionate, how to be understanding that you are *NOT* going to live every f*cking thing about everyone in your life.... but you can to accept some people for who and what they are and find ways to love and befriend them anyway. 

That's just how life works.

Even still.... El Capitan isn't a fan of that plan - though he agree's we should introduce her together.... just not yet.  That's cool.  I just don't want to be the reason things aren't moving forward.

NOW.  Let's be *super* clear because people in my own life have given me tons of sh*t about this - "Should she even be around the children......?"  - shouldn't I fight to keep her away from them?

In the first place... unless she beats them and sets them on fire - a judge is *not* going to keep here away from my children.  Let's be real.   And last time I checked she wasn't stoking up on matches, so I think I'm pretty good there.

In the second place.... she's young.  Very young.  I've said it since the start - people who are young frequently make choices and decisions they shouldn't.  She was wrong to f*ck my husband.  It does make me qustion the kind of person she is - her moral code... does she even have one?  It looks a touch doubtful.... but again - she's young.

She *is* however, in a long term relationship with my children's Father and as such she is now in a role in their lives that *demands* my acceptance and support of her.  I DO NOT have to support all her actions. or her past choices.... *but* - I do have to support any positive relationship she wants to have with The Boy and The Girl.  

I'm pretty sure *they* want that:  the kids.

So.  Today, I think, might be the first step in getting that goal accomplished, which I think would be really good for all of us.  However.... I *Really* want to point out that we are NOT YET done with 11 months of this hot f*cking mess.... and LOOK AT ME.

Woof*ckingHoo.

I'm all progressive and happy.... baggage free - and facilitating functional relationships between El Capitan and the kids AND.... currently enjoying my own friendship with El Capitan.  BooYah.  I think this is huge and not something most women who have walked in my shoes can pull off.... I'm pretty proud of myself.

My Aunt called the other day - some newsy thing did an online story on the top ten worst exes.... I was listed as number two.  Sigh.  Really?  Honestly.... any man would be *lucky* to have an ex-wife as freakin' NICE as I have been.... yes - *I* made a funny sign that *WE* decided to use..... but it ended there.  Or... here... or in a Book - that HE has had approval over the content.

See.... NICE.  That's me. :)

So  Happy St. Patty's Day.... and HAPPY UNITED FAMILY BIRTHDAY for our Girl... she's the greatest. :)

The Girl hasn't slept much this week.... and I'm running on a few hours at best.