I've been going through our past, photos, letters, making the timeline, trying to tell the full story, and I came across this letter I wrote The Boy around his first birthday. What I wouldn't do to go back in time, to stop, to enjoy more, to..... change our course.
But I can't, so here it is:
November 27, 2005
By now I’m sure you know how I’m a lousy Mom when it comes to writing things down and stuff… although by the time you read this I may have improved with age… but I doubt it!
Today you stood up on your own! I can hardly believe how fast you are growing up – and how fast you are learning so many new things. Every day is an adventure! I am so lucky to be your Mom, I hope you know that – I hope I have spent my life making sure you know that. If not, I have totally failed you. You are so amazing, so inspiring and so wonderful. You’re never really ever fussy, or hard to handle, you are such a joy.
Today you were crawling all over the floor and you were laughing this giant toothy grin, like my very own pale pink jack-lantern. Your left hand clutched this slobbery block, the fancy kind that Bubbie got you, and you raised yourself up and took one little wobbly step towards with me your right hand stretched out onto my arm. Your whole body shook and waved like a drunken sailor, and you were just laughing away and shrieking away. Your little eyes sparkled and lit up when I started clapping and yelling “yeahhh…..”. That’s our little sign, me and you, I open my hands real wide and I start saying…” yyyyyyyyeeeeeeaaaaaaahhhhhh……” and I say it faster as I go and then I start clapping as fast as I can and you just love it, it makes you shriek and shake and laugh all at once.
This week you’ve been up a lot, but that’s my fault because I was so busy with the bridal show and we were all staying up waaaay too late, so I think your little body clock is a touch off – sorry little man! The night of Thanksgiving you were up until after 2 AM, and I had to get up to take Daddy to work at 4Am, so I had about an hour of sleep! Then you and I braved the crowds for shopping on Black Friday. You were a little joy squealing all the way through Target as I shopped for all the Dvd’s Daddy wanted! Everyone stopped to smile and wave at you – because you are just so … you’re like this little light that the whole world wants to stop and share for just a moment. Really- it’s the coolest thing.
We’re still co-sleeping with you, though most people tell me that by now I should have you in you own crib. It’s just so hard. There really is nothing better than waking up to you in the morning. You have the sweetest little sleepy smile. First you look around with your eyes, all dark and curious, then you’ll twist your head around to look up at me, and then you’ll smile, and usually you grab at your feet with your little hands. Daddy & I always try to sing “Good Morning” to you – which always makes you smile. Do you know that in ten+ months you have never woken up in the morning by crying! Really, you are just the worlds coolest baby.
Mostly, I just love being your Mom, I don’t believe in being tired or anything, because every minute I have with you is a blessing and a joy – even when you keep me up all night, I’m never sorry because it’s YOU and I can never spend enough time with you regardless of the time of day. I just love being with you.
Right now I can see your little face. You still have your baby face, but I noticed the other day it was starting to change just ever so slightly, and you’re starting to look like a little boy now, instead of just a beautiful baby. You’re getting so much character – and HAIR!!! I’m hoping to give you your first haircut by your birthday, but we’ll see.
But there you are on your Daddy’s shoulder, sleeping all sound, so I should probably go get ready for bed and then you can really sleep.
Mommy just wanted you to know how very much I love you and how very much I’m in love with you – from your perfectly shaped head to little pink and ticklish toes… I love every last bit of you. J