I would love to post that today was full of love and laughter.
But it wasn't.
The kids were happy.... though I'm sure the black cloud that currently engulfs me was throwing a few dark shadows on their usually bubbly exteriors. Crap.
El Capitan took the kids for breakfast yesterday - I asked if he wanted to see them for a while today instead, but he thought it might be too "complicated". No sh*t sherlock... this entire situation is freaking 'complicated'. I have to wonder if what he *meant* to say was, "my day is already planned and running out to see my kids for a few hours on a National Holiday will crimp my style....."
So off to Shari's for breakfast they go.
Today I said nothing. I made no mention of their father, good or bad. I tried to keep my own personal issue's with the day to myself. Around 12:30 I thought that the children should call their father and wish him Happy Thanksgiving.
That *was* the right thing to do..... right?
So The Girl is holding the phone - saying, "Hello, Daddy?!?!? Daddy!?!?!!" - except the line is still just ringing and ringing........... and ringing.
Surprise. We get sent to voice mail. Shocker.
So The Girl tells Daddy 'Happy Tanksgiving' and The Boy does the same - and tells his Dad how much he loves him and he hopes that he had a good day.
I take the phone and wish him well and hang up. No sarcasm, no snotty tone... just nice old, plain Jane 'called to with you a Happy Turkey Day."
I was up until after 4am blogging and writing - I'm nearly to 40K words.... so, that's pretty exciting. But, I didn't get much sleep and I was supposed to clean the house, so we hung up the phone and I hurried off to finish cleaning and running the vacuum.
My brother, his wife and their new baby arrive - the children are sooooo excited! I finish the last bit of cleaning and head off to the main bathroom to get ready for the day and that's when my day already goes to sh*t.
I'm in the bathroom, door closed, and I hear The Boy say this:
"You know what Uncle XXXXX, we called Daddy today for Thanksgiving...... but he didn't answer. We just got his voice mail."
"Oh," replies my brother, "That was nice of you."
"Yeah," say's The Boy, "but he didn't answer his phone - you know - because he's always say's he working, but he's really spending the day with his girlfriend or whatever and not with us. So .... we just left him a message."
Without even being in the room, I can tell my brother is seriously uncomfortable. I don't blame him... but - *I* said *nothing* to The Boy OR The Girl this morning - NOTHING. I actually thought the phone call had gone rather well.....
"How does that make you feel?" my brother asked.
"Pretty bad.... because it hurts my feelings. Daddy shouldn't have a girlfriend, that's wrong." The Boy said.
"Yes," replied my brother, "it is wrong."
"Yeah.... and he lies a lot to Mommy. It's bad to lie. He makes Mommy mad and she yells at him... but she should be mad at him because he lies to us all the time." stated The Boy.
"Mommy gives Daddy her angry face a lot - which is a smile, but it's her angry one."
"Yes," said my brother, "I've seen that face."
Then The Boy jumped down from the bar stool and walked off to play with The Girl.
F*ck, f*ck, f*ckity f*ck.
For the record: I DID NOT PLANT ANY SEEDS.
This is the first time The Boy had seen my brother in several months and it was more like The Boy was just 'catching' up with his Uncle, filling him in on his life.
Today is PERFECT example of how nearly freaking *impossible* it is for me to "keep the children innocent" as the books recommend. The Boy is S.M.A.R.T. He's intuitive and kind and compassionate. He's a thinker and a feeler and REALLY good communicator - he always has been.
I said *nothing* - I indicated *nothing*- I didn't enact my 'angry face' while we were leaving the voice mail. I actually *expected* to get a voice mail because he was no doubt wondering if it was just *me* calling to scream at him about being a dumb ass who ruined my life.
Understandable if it *was* me doing that.... so *understandable* if he's thinking that that's why I'm calling and doesn't want to ruin his day by answering.... however - once he listens to the voice mail and *see's* is the children calling and *not* me - shouldn't he call back?
*If* he had called back.... then The Boy's interpretation of the events and the voice mail would be *very* different. Dad would have called back and The Boy would not have processed it all the way he did.
I try to *never* say to the children, "Daddy doesn't do XXXXXXX because he's with his girlfriend."
That's a conclusion that The Boy has reached all on his own... and it breaks my dammed heart.
It's so painful to hear The Boy talk like that. I'm sure on some level I should be happy - right? Because it shows that The Boy see's his father as a liar and someone who is going to let him down - and he get's it that Mommy is doing the best she can - but met with lies all the time - it's hard. He understand *why* I'm mad.
The Boy *understands* why Mommy get's mad.
Wow. That just sucks. That sucks so bad on so many freaking levels..... so. many. levels.
So then it's all tears in the bathroom because where have *I* gone wrong that The Boy see's so much of this co clearly.... where have I failed to shield him from this?
Like... when they come back with their Dad who tells *me* that they had a great time, they played and had fun... but as soon as we're in the car The Boy will say, "Daddy spent most of his time tapping on his phone."
See - *not* my shield to create. *Not* my shield to hold... because I can't. I'm not the one doing this.
So that was my Thanksgiving. hoo-freaking-rah.
I guess I'm thankful for a Boy who is kind, who understands what honesty is and the importance of *being* honest. I'm thankful for a Boy who is compassionate enough to show his own Mother a level of understanding for her pain (and no doubt mistakes she will make in this process) and is able to show her forgiveness for anger. I am thankful that The Boy is amazing.
Pure, wonderful, amazing.
I have to remind myself that a diamond is not born, it begins only as carbon that it is put under immense amounts of pressure and fire - and when it rushes to the surface to cool it has becomes a diamond.
Without the pressure and heat - it would remain as only carbon.
The Boy is a diamond, and today I am thankful that in spite of the pressure and heat, he's still able to shine.