The end of the "school year" is upon... but just kind of.

I've seen this blog post going around facebook from a Mom blogger who writes about how arduous this time of year is - how her passion and excitement and encouragement for the school year died weeks ago - it's a funny blog.... however, I felt that way only a few months into public Kindy - and I pulled my kid out.

Instead.... we have homeschooled The Boy since about halfway through Kindy - and it's been .... wonderful.  I l LOVE LOVE LOVE having them home with me everyday - getting to teach them things and *learn* things alongside them.  Since everything happened last year, The Bubbie has taken over the majority of the home schooling and to be frank.... I don't know *how* is actually learning more:  The Bubbie or The Boy?

It's a bit of a toss up there... lololol

The whole purpose behind homeschooling is that the child is in charge of their education and what and when they learn.  We *try* to keep the same hours each day, and we do follow a second grade curriculum that I purchased ... however, allowing The Boy to learn in an environment where he can go at his own pace and HE has a say over the material we cover means that there is *a lot* of learning that goes on - on his own.

For instance, and I've mentioned it before, handwriting.  
Sigh.

I can remember being his age and literally *crying* over having to practice handwriting.  The Boy has never done any of that.  I didn't spend tons and tons of time forcing him to trace and write and re-write things just to "practice".  The Bubbie was vehemently against this because she thought The Boy had crappy handwriting.

In the end - The Boy became *very* interested in running 'stores' - stores that sold Halloween stuff or Christmas stuff, and then HE wanted his signs for his stores to be *very* clear and readable.... so guess who worked on his handwriting until his signs looked the way he wanted them too......?  The Boy.

Lately, he's gotten very into animals and The Zoo.  Tante Louise sent him a book on animals - so now The Boy sits down *everyday* and writes up a new "informational poster" which he then hangs in the hallway.  Then, along the wall and on the floor, he sets up the animals he's written the report about and he calls it his "Zoo" - complete with cash register at the end (for the gift shop, of course!).  lol

So.... what *I'm* excited about is that it is the end of the school year.... but the learning around this house will continue through the summer in the same way that has for the previous 9 months.  We're just getting into division and multiplication and adding numbers in the hundreds and thousands...

So me, however, this is also a very bittersweet summer because I'll be enrolling in school soon and then I won't be able to stay with them anymore..... 
sigh.
It's almost too much to write... honestly.  It's heartbreaking for me.  However, worse things could be happening to us... and The Bubbie has agreed to stay on and do the homeschooling.

I wish medical benefits weren't soooooo high.  If it weren't for my freakin' medical benefits being over $400 a month, I could hang on doing other stuff an *not* have to work a full time job.... but sadly... it is what it is.

Anyhow..... in *other* news.... I'm down 60 POUNDS!!!!!!!

The first twenty I lost on my own - just diet and working out.... and then another 5 or 10 at the gym, but these were *much* harder to lose.  And then..... nothing.  
Sigh.

So, some clients of mine who had been friends with me on facbook and had been following The Blog contacted me about doing Advocare.  

Let me be *super* clear - that I'm usually a nice person.  I'll come to your candle/Mary Kay/jewelry/31 bag party.... and I'll *probably* buy something.... BUT - I never agree to host a party... blah blah blah - that's just not my thing.

I've done Weight Watchers... but they keep changing the plan and the way it works and I get waaaay to confused trying to add up values for food and then add up what I ate... on and on.  yuck.

I've done various pills and plans.... clearly they didn't work.

I even did Take Shape For Life..... which I VERY quickly lost 14 pounds on.... then gained back 25 in record time as soon as I started each actual food and not powdered food.  

So..... a bit jaded and *frustrated* that I was spending sooooo much time at the gym and not seeing results... I agreed to do Advocare.

You start by going a 24 day challenge - I figured I can do anything for 24 days... right?
In the first 24 days I lost over 10 total inches and 18 pounds..... and since then: I've been losing more every week.  The *greatest* part is that this was NOT NOT NOT just "water weight" - this is the HARD weight to lose.... I lose my 'water weight' a long time ago.... this is ACTUAL FAT - leaving my body.
Hoof*ckingrah for that. lololol

So..... three months into the program - I'm down a total of 60 pounds - more than half on Advocare (again... the second half!!!!) - I'm down nearly 20 inches all over AND.... I'm down FOUR PANT SIZES!!!!!

The program is *EASY* to do and you eat your own food - which I love.  In fact - I really love doing the whole program - and I LOVE the way it's making me look!

IF you would like to know more about it.... you can email me - and if you want to order your own 24 day challenge Kit - you can do that here:  
https://www.advocare.com/130229371


So.... bring on summer!!!!!!  The Zoo is open and I'm almost willing to be seen in public in a bathing suit! :)

There are sooooo many things I miss about my 20s..... we can start with a waist that was smaller is size than my actual age... sigh.  Or, my boobs that sat up on their own without the help of straps and half a dozen hooks.... but most of all, I miss the naivety  (I really hope that how you spell it...... sigh).

I miss being able to fall in love and actually *believe* with every ounce of Julie Roberts and Molly Ringwald and Ione Skye pumping through my veins..... that Lloyd Dobler really did exist - that it was possible to find him or... better yet -  have *him* find you...... 

Days gone by where you could actually judge a relationship by simple markers like - did he kick the glass off the sidewalk and out of my pathway?  Does he open my car door first?  Does he say 'gesundheit' when I sneeze?  Does he promise to provide a home a life for me while doing anything that isn't managing or processing or managing processing things.... and possibly from a career as a Kick Boxer?  
Because that *seems* totally do-able..... right?****

Man.... I bought that sh*t hook, line and sinker.... really:  I did.
Raised on a daily diet of skinny Barbie's, unemployed and hanging around a beach house in skimpy clothes and high heels riding up and down the three stories of her cardboard mansion in a yellow 'elevator' while hosting beach parties with Midge and of course.... falling madly in love with Ken.  Oddly enough, Barbie had all kinds of accessories - she was an astronaut and a veterinarian or a doctor or Wall-Street powerhouse in her blue suit complete with puffy shoulder pads..... meanwhile all my Ken doll ever did was come with short shorts and a shaving kit.

Things were already a bit doomed from an early age.... clearly.

Then it's all a flood of RomCom's and teen movies..... I mean, I never wanted to Winona Ryder sooooo bad - she only ever had to choose between Johnny Depp and Christian Slater..... though, I was *much* more of a Corey Feldman girl..... I've always liked 'pretty boys' with a naughty streak.
You know the kind... the ones that don't pay their bills... or worse, run yours up?  Yeah *that* guy. lol

It's so easy to love and to be loved.... inhibitions - both physical and emotional - come with age and experience and frankly.... aren't always a good thing.

Being young is such an innocent time.... because *time* seems never-ending.  It wasn't that long ago that you were sitting at a desk 8 hours a day and dreaming about going off to college.... for me, my parents had kept most things pretty smooth for me so we are tricked into thinking that life and adulthood is going to be *great*.

All I could think of was having my own bathroom and my own front door - and staying up past midnight whenever I wanted to..... looking back, parents are smart to keep the reality of *who* and *how* this independence is paid for hidden because honest to f*ck, I'm not sure I would have ever moved out if I had known how hard I would have to work for so very little living on my own..... 
sigh.

My point is - my twenties were full of (mostly) ignorant bliss.... especially my early twenties.  I quite literally let my heart lead me from one country to another and to another *continent* for f*cks sake..... I thought my heart was much more a compass in charge of the direction of my life:  navigating the road of love and relationships and so long as I stayed true to my heart.... it would never lead me astray.
Wrong.

Big time f*cking wrong..... right? lol

So you spend your younger years blindly trusting your heart and time and time again.... it ends in tears and heartache.  Over and over your very definition of heartbreak get redefined for you.  What you thought were once endearing qualities - Lloyd Dobble qualities - become reasons you *don't* want to date someone.... 

You try to leave each relationship with the *appropriate* kind of baggage:  knowing what you like what you don't like... what works, what doesn't work - a nice set of personal boundaries all folded up and neatly packed and ready to unpack the next time you get "serious" with someone.

This weekend.... as Mumford and Sons would tell you..... "I really f*cked it up this time.....".
Stupid baggage.

I could just pretend that I was bitchy.... but, that doesn't work because I'm bitchy and tired and worn out and exhausted a lot of the time.... I could say that it was a misunderstanding and apologize and move on... but the truth is:  I f*cked up.

As usual (as is the case for *most* Moms) I was doing three hundred things, putting my attention and importance in the wrong places and stretching myself waaaaaay too thin.  Carhartt came to me to ask me a fairly simple question, but I didn't wait or listen for the question, instead I snapped at Carhartt and rudely advised Carhartt to leave me alone for a few minutes.

Carhartt obliged and went out to the truck.

I took this act to mean that I had hurt Carhartt's feelings and ...... instead of *owning* my own bitchiness and going out to apologize..... I then took this simple act of Carhartt going to the truck and filled in allllll kinds of blanks with.... what El Capitan would have done to me in that situation.

Ten years of feeling like I wasn't in a partnership of *any* kind has left me feeling a bit gun-shy.  Ten years of feeling as though I had to watch every single word that left my mouth because El Capitan would turn every word into an insult and apply to it greater meaning.... instead of just realizing that I was spent and tired and bitchy and exhausted.

THAT is the moment that I want the person I'm with to walk up to me and take control.  I want them to walk to me and say, "You don't get to snap at me like that... but clearly you're stressed - what can I do to help?"

What I DO NOT want is for someone to go and pout in their truck because I wasn't being super nice to them..... sigh.

So.  Having filled in the blanks as to *why* Carhartt went to the truck, I marched out there ready to do battle.
I had fully unpacked alllllll my neatly stored baggage from my ten years with El Capitan and I was ready to lay it allll out on the line:

I will *not* tolerate pouting.  Of any kind.
I will *not* worry about every f*cking word that leaves my mouth and the affect *you* make it have on your self-esteem/self-worth... blah blah new-age whateverness.... sac-up: I'm a girl - sometimes I'm a bitch:  accept that.
(yes.... I realize this seems slightly horrible of me.....)
AND.... YOU *will* be there for me, even when I snap at you because that's when I need you the most and if you can't see that/handle that/do that.... then THIS WON'T WORK and you should just go home.

Oh.... and yes.  I said the above.  Word for word.  Including the 'go home' part.

Carhartt turned to open the truck door and I could tell from the rounded shoulders .... that what I had said really hurt.... and hurt bad.
Feck.

In that instant I felt allllll the tension and anxiety and frustration of my day turn to stomach turning disappointment:  in myself.  I felt like sh*t.... and so I should have, eh?

I suddenly realized that I had gone outside, guns blazing, threw down my proverbial suitcase of baggage and unpacked right smack in Carhartt's face.... and then used that to make this their fault.  
Damn.

I begged Carhartt to stay and talk to me and then I found out what really happened.

Carhartt was coming to the door of the room to ask to use it to change their shirt.
I snapped and was b*tchy.
Carhartt then went out to the truck to change shirts and fully intended to talk to me - letting me know that snapping at them wasn't going to be acceptable, but clearly I was stressed and now wasn't the time to talk about it.
I came out, laid out my bullsh*t, said more hurtful things.... and then came to realize how awful I had been.

Carhartt forgave me.
I know... crazy - right?  Like - who needs this sh*t, right?

Not only that, but we talked out what I was thinking, I was able to more clearly articulate what I would and would not like to have in a future relationship and Carhartt spent time laying down some personal boundaries of how they don't want to be spoken to... and, probably more importantly, how we can address my time management so that I'm less stressed.... including Carhartt helping me with a few things to take a few of them off my plate.  

So.... *I* really f*cked this up..... almost.

I'm not sure what I did to deserve the attention and affection of someone like this.... but I'm sure as sh*t glad Carhartt is still here.... 

**********************************
Just in case you were living under a rock and need the *actual* movie references for the above, you should watch:  Say Anything; Singles; and anything with Molly Ringwald in it prior to 1993.  Just sayin'.

SUPER COOL troll earrings that, believe it or not, The Bubbie had in her jewelry box.  AWESOME.

Miss J and I listened to 80s music on her iPhone (she's so trendy she is.....) and I think we had *almost* as much fun driving to the dance we had *at* the dance.  That's kind of cool... when you don't need a room full of people to have as awesome time - just one good friend can be enough..... We met up with some other good friends and..... the dancing began.

It's crazy how I still remember the lyrics to EVERY. SINGLE. SONG.  Even crazier that I can close my eyes and sing along and be right back to where I was when I was 10 or 11 years old and hearing those songs for the first time..... Only instead of awkwardly dancing next to pimply-faced boys.... now I'm surrounded by 80s dressed hotness..... did I mention how awesome it was?
Well.... it was.

Of course, while I was able to procure fantastic 80s shirts... finding something for my lower half proved to be a challenge as Wal-Mart was short on acid washed jeans.... damn.

So the kids and I ran to Old Navy in search of leggings and a skirt.... instead, I found some *great* skinny jeans.... (yes, I actually WORE skinny jeans... FOUR SIZES SMALLER than I did a year ago... ) - that were complete with ZIPPERS AT THE ANKLE!!!!!!!  I swear I almost cried tears of joy.

Then The Girl found a shirt she couldn't live without... and coin purse and stuffed monkey and Princess water bottle... and The Boy found red shorts and stuffed penguin and a Superhero water bottle.... f*ck - am I Old Navy???? When did they start selling allll this other crap....? sigh.

All or stuff stacked on the counter, the cashier was checking us out when the family one register down was going over their pile of summer clothes for their kids.... their cashier was talking to our cashier about how the "Military Discount" was only good ON actual Memorial Day and not during the weekend... even through a general "Memorial Day Sale" WAS already going on.... 

The family was clearly disappointed - and having spent enough time as a single Mom on a budget, I recognized the mental bartering that was going on.... 'do we put *this* back or *that* back....?"

I waited patiently for either of the cashiers to call a manager.... they didn't.
I waited for either of them to just put in a code giving this family *any* discount..... they didn't.
Then I got kind of pissed.

I asked her how much the discount should be for, my cashier told me 10%.
Wait... all this conversation over a 10% discount that this man should get ANY motherf*cking day of the year.... but one he WOULD GET should he come back in three sleeps and a wake up?
Seriously?

I finished checking out, The Boy and The Girl were running for the door with their stuffed toys in their hands and I walked over to the family, who were *not* checked out, a line was forming behind them and they were still debating what to put back..... 

I pulled out $20, put it on the counter and said, "Here's your discount.... thank you for your service."

They looked at my in surprise.... the man said, "You don't have to do that...." But, he said it in a kind voice....

and I said.... "Yup, I sure don't.  I don't do anything I don't want to do .... I don't want to spend six months in the sand getting a sunburn and watching for landmines.  I'm also selfish and refuse to leave my family for even a long weekend... let alone a year long deployment.  You do those things.... and I get to sleep peacefully at night because you do.... "  and then I ran after The Boy and The Girl... who were *not* listening at all.... 
sigh.

And then I came home and fired off a series of nasty emails to Old Navy where I pointed out that their ill-trained cashiers could have called for a manager, could have offered this family another coupon code.... and how it's BULLSHIT that they run a "sale" playing on our patriotism and then deny a whopping 10% discount to a military family because they shopped on the 'wrong' day...... 

In the past few months I have been getting a lot of letters from people who are going through a divorce, or their spouse cheated and... sometimes people just want to chat.  One woman has even asked me to co-chair a divorce support group with her.... crazy - but kinda cool.

Another friend recently shared with me their own personal struggle on the opposite side of marriage.  She and her wife are only "civil union" recognized..... and I have to admit, when she first started talking I was like "huh?  who cares what you call it...... you're married:  be glad! lol"..... however the more she talked, the more I realized that I was totally ignorant to her plight.
And then I felt like sh*t.

Because of DOMA, which (basically) doesn't recognize "gay marriage" as 'legal' under Federal Law, and as such, persons in a civil union are *not* treated the same under federal law  - so this affects taxes and social security benefits and a zillion other things it seems..... sigh.

Even though Don't Ask Don't Tell was repealed, because DOMA is in place and "gay marriage" isn't legal in a federal sense - it kind of doesn't count.  The military has to treat the soldiers *family* as the next of kin, not the "gay" spouse.  The spouse then loses out on medical and financial benefits that *are* available to "straight"/legal married spouses in the military.

I don't really care where *anyone* comes down on the debate of so-called "gay marriage".... how can we ask a person to be willing to give US - 100% of themselves... and possibly even their LIFE to protect OUR "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness" while *we* and our elected government don't value THEM OR THEIR SPOUSE as a human being who deserves 100% of our respect and recognition for whoever they want to marry?  Because that's what we're doing.... we are taking a human who has 100% value and then because they have a same sex partner: we de-value them.  We're offering them less.... why?

Shame on us.
Shame on our government.

It seems odd to me, especially in the shoes *I'm* in and knowing our countries statistics for divorce is now *OVER* 50% ... actually, according to a recent study:

• The divorce rate in America for first marriage is 41%
• The divorce rate in America for second marriage is 60%
• The divorce rate in America for third marriage is 73%

Seems like even with practice... "straight" people don't seem to be getting it right.... and given that sooooo many 'legal' and federally recognized marriages aren't so *HAPPY* and end up down the heartbreak sh*tter....I can see why some people are so keen to stop "GAY" people from getting married... because surely they couldn't possibly have happier unions than straight people.... right? 
(please tell me that you know 'gay' is another word for happy..... right?  RIGHT?  lol)

So, we can post a bunch of pictures on our facebook pages and tie yellow ribbons around trees or whatever the hell it is we're doing to let our friends and neighbors knows that we are good Americans who 'Support Our Troops'..... but I hope you'll take a minute to watch the clip above and if you're on the "side of the aisle" that already supports Gay Marriage - please find a way to let the people in power know that.  

And if you're on the "side of the aisle" that doesn't support Gay Marriage, perhaps this video will give you a reason to look a little further into what DOMA is actually doing to honest, true, red-blooded American soldiers and ask yourself if that's right..... 

We're asking these soldiers to fight in wars for *everyone's* right to democracy and equality:  are they not entitled to the same?  That seems really crazy and ass-backwards to me.  It's up to *US* to make change - and sometimes that change starts with us - tolerance is a beautiful thing because it doesn't mean you have to agree with something, it only means you have to be respectful of it and it's right to exist.

Trust me... if I can find tolerance and acceptance of the woman who cheated with my husband... some of ya'll can suck it up and tolerate equal rights for total strangers.... believe me. lololol

Tonight is coming to a shocking end after a long and somewhat tough week.....

One of the "players" in my life - featured on The Blog and in The Book - found out tonight that a family member of theirs was killed tonight from an act of gang violence.
I am gutted for them.  I have known then for almost 13 years and I know what a huge loss this is for their family. 
sigh.

It's odd... because the end of last week ended with a death in our family as well.
double sigh.

So, tonight I'm taking the easy way out.... I'm leaving Zach Sobiak on 'blog repeat'.
Between deaths in my family, deaths in my friends family..... and tornadoes... I'm just spent.
I'm guessing lots of us are.

This weekend however.... 80s dancing is on the agenda, and another night of dancing, some cleaning and some BBQ.... and you know what?   A whooooooolllllleeeeee lot of cuddling with Carhartt who is coming into town.
Thank f*ck for that.... this girls needs a hug. 

I hope your holiday weekend is fantastic.... and *SAFE*!!!!!!!

Be back Monday with a lovely photo montage that *will* have you laughing for sure.

For a while now this documentary of Zach Sobiech has been going around Facebook.  Like millions I watched it and had my tissue's at the ready.  His story is both inspiring and heartbreaking, not only because you know this wonderful young man is dying - but because as a parent, the loss of a child (any child) always hits us right between the eyes and straight through the heart.

His long and endearing message is that life and the connections we make are more important than anything.  And - that that importance can't be measured by time or money:  it just is.

I tend to agree with him.

Lately, my focus as a single Mom has been *very* much on money... where will I make it?  How will I earn it?  How *much* can I earn?  and on and on the stress goes.... This idea that there is alllll this money just lying around out there for single Moms to grab up is wrong..... really wrong. lol

However this conversation in my head leads me to debating how much time I'm going to have to give up with the children in order to make that money that I need..... and really it just comes down to time.

That time that slipping through my fingers sooooo quickly and now I no longer have a chubby and round faced toddler... but a little girl with rounded shoulders who writes her name and has taught herself to count, unlock every door in the house and .... get The Papa to buy her anything she wants.... (that's my girl!).  

Time.... it's the one thing we don't get back with our children and with each other.
Time, is something that Zach Sobiech and his family ran out of on Monday.

So, even before I had watched this video I had decided to forego the job I was trying to get that paid *really* well, but was four tens a week... and at night... and over the weekend:  every weekend. Sigh.

I just couldn't do it.  Instead, I'll be selling off one of my camera lens's to help pay for a short course for a job in the medical field.  It won't pay me a million dollars, it won't give me a big house - but it will give me enough money to live, a small amount to put away  - but more importantly, it will give me time.  It's a job that will allow me to have some balance between work and family and still give me time with my kids.... which is what I need more than a big house or nicer things......

I feel pretty good that I haven't wasted the last year being too angry.... oh - angry for sure at times... but I didn't get weighed down by revenge and anger and vengeance..... and I'm so grateful that that's a gift I gave myself and my kids - even if it doesn't get me the latest TV pilot about women who 'get back' at their ex-husbands.  Instead I have valued this time to *be* angry when I needed to be, to cry every tear I had, to *heal* at every turn in the road so that I would be strong enough to take on the next curve coming at me.

Having said all that... I'm humbled and grateful that I've not faced anything as hard as Zach and his family have..... what a wonderful gift he left behind.

So, first and foremost, I was contacted by a production company about doing a segment for a show they are producing about revenge.  

Like most people old enough to remember the day:  I vividly remember 911.

I remember my own emotions, the emotions of my city.... the TV coverage, the talking heads.... all of it.

That night my ex-boyfriends' band, Belle and Sebastian, was supposed to be playing The Roseland in Portland.

First there was panic because there was concern that someone we all knew was potentially *on* one of those planes.... but as the morning progressed, management called to assure us that the person is question was *not* on one of the planes.... and then there was this kind of guilty relief that washed over us all.  Grateful to find out that our friend was ok... but then you think - why should *my* friend be ok when so many other people are not?  What makes one person safe and another a National Tragedy?

Second, there was *much* debate on whether or not they should play their show that night.  The world felt so heavy that day.... personal and political emotions collide in an unfamiliar place where there are *no* answers and every minute reveals more pain, more death.... more devastation.

It was debated amongst all the band members.... what do to - was it somehow disrespectful to play their show?  How can we all sing and dance knowing that someone else is in catastrophic pain?

The thing is..... *every single day* - someone, somewhere is in catastrophic pain.  Bad things are happening in the house next door to us, in our local schools..... sometimes, even in our own homes.  

However, now in our modern times, we can immerse ourselves in this devastation sooooo quickly.  We can twitter and facebook the death and the mangled cars and the kids covered in rubble being carried down shredded streets.... and so we do.  We sit and we watch and we soak it in - and we look for the heroes - we look for the people who are helping and saving and we cheer as loud as we can for those being saved.... and pray as hard as we can for those who are not... those are missing.

In the end, the band played.  I remember the tension in the room when they came on stage - the band felt uneasy, the crowd felt unsure of what they should do:  clap?  cry?  collectively hug?  After having stood in that small space that is between the band and the crowd (the photo pit) at literally hundreds of live shows - the electricity in the room had a flavor and a vibe I had never felt.... and I was pretty sure I didn't want to feel it every again.

All of Belle and Sebastian took the front of the stage, Richard sat at the drums and they opened with 'Turn! Turn! Turn!' by The Byrds.  IT. WAS. AMAZING.

Within seconds the entire crowd swelled and sang along - which was good because the band hadn't rehearsed it much and some of them weren't entirely sure of the words... lol.  It was a beautiful way to pay homage and respect to those going through such a hard time while we stood on our feet getting ready to enjoy the night..... and after they played that song, the entire venue shook and rattled with the roar from the crowd.  And then the band played their full set.......

It seems to me that since I started The Blog there have been sooooo many horrible things that have happened.  Batman movie theater shooter, the kids in the Oregon mall, Boston, Sandy Hook.... I'm sure that have been others.... and now we have almost a whole suburb wiped out by a tornado and *more* missing kids and people unaccounted for.... and death tolls rising and whatnot.
sigh.

I never know what I should do.... it feels wrong to crack any kind of joke .... it somehow feels a bit wrong to smile.  So..... even though I have a lot to smile about these days:  today I'm just going to post the link above.  If you want to help, if you can help - please do.

My thoughts and prayers are with anyone affected by the tornado.... and tonight:  so are my words.
Please consider using the link above to find an org. that you feel comfortable making even a small donation, too.  A little goes a long way.

JULIEANNE said:

WOW ELLE YOU ARE SUCH A WONDERFUL TRUSTING PERSON--REMEMBER WHEN EL CAPITAN KEPT TELLING YOU THAT HE WAS NOT WITH HER ,THAT HE DID NOT BETRAY YOU-THAT IT IS NOT LIKE THAT----AND THEN YOU GO SEE WHERE HE SLEEPS WITH HER-----GGRRRRR-WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO YOURSELF--HE IS A LIAR AND A CHEATER HE IS NOT A FATHER AT ALL--HE LEFT HIS CHILDREN FOR A 22 YEAR OLD KID----HE IS NOT WITH THEM 24/7 LIKE HE SHOULD BE ---HE TOOK THE EASY ROAD AND LEFT THEM WITHOUT A FATHER SO THAT HE COULD PLAY WITH HIS NEW TOY -AND SOON HE WILL HAVE NEW KIDS WITH HER ,WILL BUY HER A HOUSE AND LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER AND YOU AND YOUR KIDS STILL WILL BE LIVING WITH SOMEONE ELSE AND STILL BE THE FAMILY HE DID NOT WANT AND THE FAMILY HE THREW AWAY BECAUSE HE DID NO WANT THEM ANY MORE--HE WANTED TO DO WHAT HE AND YOGA GIRL WANTED TO DO--REGARDLESS OF HIS RESPONSABILITIES----WHAT A GEM HE IS -THE BASTARD-----ELLE HE IS THE WORST ROLE MODEL FOR YOUR KIDS---DID YOU EVER FIND OUT WHY HE KEPT SAYING OVER AND OVER HE WAS NOT HAVING AN AFFAIR AND NOT SLEEPING WITH HER WHILE YOUR CAR WAS PARKED BY HER HOUSE AND DID YOU EVER FIND OUT WHY HE DID THOSE THINGS TO YOUR CAR AND WHY HE DID NOT KEEP UP WITH THE VISITING DAYS AS STIPULATED BY THE DIVORCE-----WHY DID HE LIE TO YOU ALL THE TIME----I CRY EVERY TIME I THINK ABOUT YOUR BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM TARGET OH MY GOD WHAT A SLAP ON THE FACE THAT WAS----AND WHY SO MANY THOUSANDS OF TEXT MESSAGES DID YOU EVER FIND OUT WHAT WAS THAT ALL ABOUT=====WHO OR WHY WOULD DO THAT---BY THE WAY HOW DID HE MEET YOGA GIRL---DOES HE HAVE COLLEGE AGE FRIENDS NOW---DOES HE PARTY ALL NIGHT LIKE THEY DO---WOW WHAT A PSYCHO CASE HE IS----STAY AWAY AND KEEP YOUR KIDS AWAY FROM THIS PSYCOPATH, HE IS HEARTLESS AND I DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY YOU PROTECT HIM AND HER WHEN THEY ARE THE ADULTERS AND THE ONES WHO DID WRONG-----LET THEM BE KNOWN AND SHOW THEIR PICTURES----YOU ARE NOT THE ONE WHO DID WRONG, THEY ARE THE GUILTY ONES------STOP PROTECTING THEM THEY DESERVE EACH OTHER--HE KNEW HE WAS COMMITING ADULTERY AND SHE KNEW HE WAS MARRIED,BUT THEY WENT AHEAD AND BETRAYED YOU KNOWING VERY WELL HOW THEY WOULD HURT YOU AND NOT REALLY WORRIED ABOUT IT------I KNOW EL CAPITAN KNEW YOU WOULD REACT THE WAY YOU DID AND GIVE HIM AS MANY PASSES AS HE NEED IT TO GET AWAY SCOTT FREE AND GUILT FREE-----HE KNOWS YOU BETTER THAN YOU KNEW HIM,,,,,,HE WALKED AWAY WITH YOUR BLESSINGS........"

*****************************************************************************************

Wow.  Julieanne..... right between the eyes friend..... right between the eyes.
And... rightly so.

You are not the first person to write me an email/blog comment similar to this one.  

Sadly..... as Jenny B and Miss J would happily sit and tell you..... there's a lot more El Capitan has done that has *not* been posted on The Blog.  A LOT.  :(

When I was a little girl my favorite song was the Tea Pot song:  "I'm a little tea-pot, short and stout.  Here is my handle, here is my spout.  When I get all steamed up, here me SHOUT.  Tip me over and pour me out."

Writing The Book was my way of tipping myself over and pouring it all out..... I just writing and pouring and writing...... until I was empty.  That book is literally soaked with my own tears.... and you know what - I never read it. lol

Seriously.  I wrote it.  I chose certain friends for certain reasons - and they were all sent various portions or chapters.  I asked them to read it and tell me what it needed - was there something not explained?  Something I over explained?  Etc...... For the most part - the book is, essentially a first draft that was edited and printed.
Done.

I actually hadn't read it until the night of my book signing- and even *I* was caught off-guard by how much pain dripped off the pages and fell right smack into my lap.
Pages..... just dripping with pain and anger and tears......

Carhartt is trying to read The Book - they read The Blog every day..... lol.  However,  The Book is proving to be a lot of anger and pain for them to try and process..... which leads Carhartt to asking me some of the same questions that Julieanne asks above.

The truth is..... I kind of blocked a lot of that out of my mind..... I had forgotten about the scene outside the hotel with El Capitan and The Boy..... and reading the words above, I was instantly sitting back in the drivers seat of the Mazda 5, starting at El Capitan in disbelief..... and my heart swells with pain.
Instantly.

Just like that..... my little tea-pot self is full to steaming..... 
sigh.

F*ck..... of course I worry about what *really* goes on at their place.
Of course I realize that they *WILL* have kids of their own..... El Capitan say's no... but I'm smarter than that.  I know that they will get a house and build a whole new family.... and chances are:  my kids will be more on the outside looking in than living on the inside......

I f*cking know this...... and it sucks.

I remember vividly my sh*tty birthday AND the year that El Capitan actually *forgot* to get me *anything* for Christmas - AT. ALL.  I'm dead serious.  I got ONE present:  a Snoop Dogg CD.  And yes... before you ask, I do love some Snoop... however, a $12 CD wasn't really the present I was expecting under the tree when we'd been married for 7 years.  None of this is lost on me.

I have long believed that El Capitan did what he did knowing that I would 'do the right thing'.... that, while I am an *amazing* b*tch..... I always do the right thing.  He left... knowing his TV and video games and clothes and general stuff was safe.

He knew I would take care of the children.
He knew I would take care of the paperwork.
He knew I would be fair.
He knew I would sell our home.
He knew I would DO. IT. ALL.

It's a sick irony that the very same *strength* I used to get those things done - to make it through it all dragging two broken and crying children with me to the other side.... is the *very* strength that El Capitan found so emasculating during our marriage.
Sigh.

So, I realize that El Capitan got a pass.
and..... I know that I'm the person who gave it to him.

But what f*cking choice do I have exactly?  
How motherf*cking long do I have to live in the shadow of this pain - hiding from life and love and happiness?

After The Book and after Christmas where we didn't see El Capitan for what.... 5 or 6 weeks?  Where he didn't show up for Christmas.... that was kind of emotional rock bottom for me.  

After that, it was time to strap one on and climb out of that whole and start over.
I had to.
The kids needed me too.

Julieanne - you make some really valid points - and I know that there is a longer email where you share some pretty horrible stories about what happened with your kids.....but, you and I both know that The Court doesn't give a sh*t.

The Court isn't going to make him pick-up his kids and they aren't going to slap his wrists when he doesn't pick them up.  Unless he's feeding them hard drugs and alcohol or beating on them.... they aren't going to change anything.

If *I* tell him no.... then I'm the one in legal trouble.  I'm the one who pays the price with a Judge if I fail to follow our order.... not him.

Do I worry that we will a return of El Capitan of last summer.... hell yeah.
Do I worry what kind of 'role model' he is....? 
Of course.

But.  At the same time...... in that place between being angry and staying angry.... and living - I had to move towards living.   I had to ...because honestly, it felt like parts of me were dying.

So I moved slowly ... very slowly - towards moving on.  Learning not to forgive, but .... let go.
Then I worked on tolerating La Novia.
Then I worked on accepting her.

I don't have any other choice..... and honestly...... perhaps I'm wrong (thought I pray I'm not) - I don't think that La Novia does or say's things to them that are.... 'bad' or 'manipulative'.  She seems to do things with them to genuinely connect with them on their level.  

Sometimes... we're not bad people:  we're just people who make bad choices.

In the mean time, I'm still loving on those two kids as MUCH as I humanly can.... but soon I have to go to work full time.  Blogging and Photography do not pay very well, they don't come with medical benefits and retirements and such..... so, I'm trying to enjoy these last few months of not having to work full time before I have too..... 

I do tend to try to pain our life, both to myself and to others, in a positive way - because I can either walk down the road of negativity or hope...... As the mother of two children: I have to chose hope.
I have to be willing to trust and try and *hope* that everyone will do the right thing... that the children will remain the forward focus of every adult involved in their life.  And..... it's my job to help them develop the emotional tools they will need in their lives to deal with people who let them down..... 

In the mean time, The Girl still adores her Dad.... and I refuse to take that away from her.  For as long as she can hold onto the idea that her Daddy is a great guy who has done nothing wrong... I'm going to let her hold onto that.  If El Capitan's actions take that way eventually:  that's on me.
It won't be on me.

And who knows.... may be that won't happen.

I take each day as it comes, I wake up with hope, I try to have trust - I try to have patience and.... even through the weight of my past is there pressing down me - I try to move forward and make choices based on possibilities and potential ..... and hope.

Because, to be honest - the only thing between anger .... and living:  is hope.  Is the willingness to *have* hope and act in hope and move forward in love.... I'll let you know how that goes. lol

Tonight while I was writing this post, I found out on facebook that one of my senior clients lost their Mom tonight to a very long and painful battle with Cancer.  What a way to spend the end of your first year of college - right?  :(.............

I don't know if what I'm doing is right or wrong..... I read books, I talk to people.  I talk to professional people and other wives and husbands and kids who have lived through this and I try to piece together what's the best plan of action for each and every situation...... but knowing that *this* Mom's journey is over and she leaves behind two kids who's weddings she will miss, who's college graduation she won't be attending - and NOT because their Dad was a cheating ass who 'ruined her life' decades earlier... but because she's dead.

See.... living in anger is the same thing:  death.

I want to have hope.  I want to live.  I want to laugh and love and .... be happy.  Because unlike my client's Mom:  I CAN.  and thank f*ck for that.
Seriously.

I'm still here.... and who knows for how long - right?
Yes... I know that El Capitan did some really sh*tty things.... but you can either be buried by it - or use it as fertilizer and let your flowers grow instead..... no matter what - I'm going to fight to grow.  Period.

Yes... it gives "them" a pass..... but more importantly  it give *ME* a pass.  A pass to be with Carhartt and see where that goes because I'm able to trust (kind of... lololol) - and move forward.... and it gives my kids a pass to have their Dad for *as long* as they can...... 

It gives us all a pass.... and I'm extremely grateful for that tonight.
Now I'm off to snuggle my babies until they wake up in the morning.... 

They always say that you find out 'who your friends are' when the really bad things happen to you in your life. I suppose that is probably true - but.... I have to be honest and admit that, for the most part, my friends and family are kind of awesome all the time, which is something I'm incredibly grateful for.

Growing up we lived in LA - and I spent a lot of time with my cousin Jim.  Jim was a bit older than me and it wasn't long before he was waaaaaaay older.  I was still all Barbie's and Pretty Ponies and he was flipping through VW Beetle magazines and arguing with his Dad over getting his license.

As a kid I had little understanding of the idea that one didn't marry their first cousin- unless of course they are a member of the Royal Family or living in Texas (it's legal there... did you know that?) - so.... *I* really wanted to grow up and marry Jim.  

Jim was a California surfer boy through and through with his floppy brown hair and year-round tanned skin.... he was my idea of *dreamy*.    

Sadly..... Jim didn't grow up to marry me - he married Natalie instead.  They had a *wonderful* Boy of their own, almost the same age as mine.  I've only met Natalie a few times, and really only once before El Capitan left.  

However, after I posted on Facebook that El Capitan had cheated and we were getting divorced, Natalie was one of the first people to text me.  She texted me in the morning to see how I slept - give me encouraging words for the day.  She would send me funny jokes and say dirty, nasty things about El Capitan and La Novia in an attempt to make me laugh.  

Then at night - when most people were busy with putting kids to bed and spending time with their own husbands (understandable... lol) - Natalie would be there texting me to see how I was.

It was truly amazing to me that she would make time for me in her day - never forgetting about me and what I was going through.  She was my cheerleader and a hand to hold and a shoulder to cry on.... only a text away.    So... yeah - needless to say, I was kind of getting over the fact that she married my "future husband". lol

Last week Natalie posted the photos above ..... her car had been broken into in the parking lot of the school she works at.  Worst of all - Her Boy was there and saw the damage and was having nightmares that night about people breaking in and taking their stuff.  :(

Heartbreaking.

Natalie's purse and allllll of it's contents:  money, gift cards, etc.... was all gone.  Not to mention the expense of having to replace the busted out window.  She was distraught.  I was instantly heartbroken for both of them... what a violating thing for her son to see.

Now.... back up to TWO weeks ago and I was straightening up the garage where some of our stuff is .... ummm artfully stuffed. lolol..... it's supposed to be the "stuff" I thought we would "need", so it didn't go to storage, but it selfishly takes up one half of a two car garage (you don't know want to know how big the storage unit is that the kids and I have... holy f*ck it's massive.  sigh....)

Anyhow - it was all leaning and toppling over so I went out there to sort through some of it and keep it form falling over and I found a lot of stuff I had forgotten about, which was funny because I remember keeping ALLLLLL this stuff:  it was important!  We needed it!  

and yet.... most if it I haven't looked at - haven't even *thought* about it for a months now. 
Those are some *serious* First World Problems right there.

One of the bags I found had a collection of sweatshirts and scarves and a purse - that had all been hanging on the back of our front door.  When I first looked in the bag, it smarted just a little bit.  The Girls' Hello Kitty sweatshirt, The Boy's Skeleton sweatshirt.... markers of a time gone by - a time that existed *before* we became a family living in Two Houses. 

Whether *I'm* happier now or not.... is irrelevant.  It's hard to think about that time - when the kids world was whole and happy and without 'divorce'..... it was a shock to my system to open that back and suddenly be standing back on my living room and seeing those sweatshirts hanging on that back our family's front door.  

Also in the bag was a black Coach bag that I had carried at the time.  I hadn't had it long - so I pulled it out of the bag in the garage and it was still practically brand new.   I loved that bag.... but I tucked it back into the plastic bag with the too-small sweatshirts and placed it on top of a few boxes.  

Jenny-Jen-Jen bought me a Thirty One purse for our LA trip in August, and I usually just carry that now.... 

So... move back up a week to Natalie's post, the first thing I thought about when I saw her car window smashed in and her read that her purse was stolen .... was that *I* had the perfect purse to send her.

The next day I took my purse to the mail place and boxed it up to send to Natalie, but it wouldn't get there in time for Mother's Day - so I posted a picture on facebook for her to see what was on it's way.

I didn't really think about it - I mean I didn't really need the purse, I have one.  I wasn't using it - and it's awful pretty... too pretty to sit, forgotten about in my garage.  

I was expecting it.... but that same person who had been there for me allllllll those months.  All those texts she took the time to send - those were minutes out of every single day - minutes that she spent thinking about ME - praying for me - being there for me.... she gave me soooooo much of her Mommy time and her Wife time and her Working time..... every day.

She was always there for me with her time and her words and her feelings..... all I did was put a purse in a box and ship it to her.... and yet, the next text I got from her said:

"I'm crying too much to text..... thank you."

Turns out.... Natalie had never owned a Coach bag.  WHAT?
Now.... *that's* a First World Problem for sure... lololol and one I was *happy* to fix for her.  

Then she texted me this:  "Wait... do I have to trade you Jim for the purse?  I'm not saying I won't be willing, I just want to know first."
lol

Needless to say - Carhartt isn't easily replaceable.... and of course, I'm fully aware now that one doesn't marry their first cousin - but I thought it was sweet of Natalie to offer. 

There are soooooo many lessons I have learned in the last year - not the least of which is that *things* don't mean anything.  Things are just things.... they fill up a storage unit and clutter our minds .... it's just *stuff*.  People are what matter - people who have been there for us and will be there for us - they matter.  I can't afford to buy Natalie a new Coach purse, or replace her stolen money or cards..... I think it's very kind of her to accept a used Coach bag and be so f*cking excited about it that she posted on facebook tonight that she just keeps holding and stroking the bag 'because it's so pretty'. lololol

Woman and purses..... lol

There will always be more things..... but there won't always be more people in our lives who we can trust and lean on and find support in.  My purse was only a teeny-tiny token of alllll that I owe Natalie.
Even if she did steal my 'future husband'...... lol :)

I realize that I've been a bit quiet on the topic of Carhartt as of late.... mostly because I don't really know what to say.... I know:  it's shocking to think that I don't know what to say. 
But it's true.

Dating with kids is sooooo much different than dating without kids.  In the first place - on a good I'm lucky if I can shower, put on my make-up and do my hair.... but usually I can pick just one - I certainly don't have time to do all three.  So.... I've been doing my best to *try* and do as many of the above as I can.... but I have to admit that on some days I just pull on my generously cut Old-Navy shirt (the cleanest one of course) - and hope that Carhartt is distracted by the little cleavage I do have and ignores the rest. lol

For the most part:  this seems to be working.

At the same time, it's nice to have someone in my life for whom I *want* to try and look nice for.... I've kind of been excited about that.... that and the fact that I'm not well over 60 pounds lighter than I used to be and am now shopping in the regular section of Old Navy.... bring on the $6 t shirts!!!!!!  (Mommy Translation:  more cheap shirts = a f*ck load less laundry I have to do.)

It's a bit unfair that all Carhartt has to do is pull on some dusty brown Carhartt pants, a t-shirt and I'm alllll kinds of swooning.  Although, I pointed out how nice they looked in black (makes those red eyes kind of pop.... you know - gotta' get my Cullen Clan on... hahahaha) - and since then I've seen various types of Carhatt/Hanes/Dickies black shirts making the rotation.
Whatever.... Carhartt looks good in pretty much anything.

Carhartt lives several hours away, so we pretty much only get to see each other on the weekends - and with the kids and whatnot.... they usually come up here:  Carhartt and Luke the Dog.  It works out pretty well because El Capitan has the kids on Saturday afternoons, The Bubbie and The Papa pull babysitting duty on Saturday night (so we can go out for dinner or dancing and stuff) and then we spend Sunday with the kids together..... but poor Luke the Dog is tired of driving and sleeping on hotel floors.... so Carhartt is looking for work closer to Portland now.  

It sounds like a "big step"... which I suppose it kind of is, however.... Portland has more job opportunities AND, I was quick to point out - that when Carhartt tires of me, there are no shortage of eligible ladies to take my place...... to which Carhartt shoots me a dirty look and say's, "Woman, you better stop it with that sh*t."

It's that kind of cute..... of course, it's said in a stern way, but not in a super serious cave-man way either... lol

But honestly..... being a Mom means you have zero privacy on a good day, being a *dating* Mom means you have LESS than zero privacy.  There's almost no opportunity for 'stolen' kisses and cuddles in the kitchen without someone's tiny feet peeling out on the linoleum because The Girl 'ran out of Goldfish....'.... or better yet, there *is* a chance for a stolen kiss and just about the time I get used to someone's arms wrapped around my waist ...... we both hear.... "moooommmmeeeeee... I'm doooooneeee....".  And the next thing I know I'm leaned over someone's poopy butt on wiping duty.
Sigh.

Dating with kids is waaaaaaay not romantic.
Why?
Because everyf*ckingwhere you look there are reminders of *what* is going to happen if you crawl into bed together.... know what I mean?

When you're dating and it's all hot and heavy and romantic and dreamy.... you can *kid* yourself into thinking that life will be this fantastic journey where you have perfect and well-behaved children who go to bed on time and grow up to be healthy adults with good paying jobs (who move out) and you'll grow old together holding hands on a front porch swing.

Date me and the reality is that I have two *very* well-behaved kids, who have amazing comic timing and *sh*tty* romantic timing.... I LIVE with family... no matter *who* marries me down the road they aren't just marrying me - but they are also getting two kids, El Capitan AND La Novia in the mix..... they are getting shared time and pick-ups and drop-offs and child support payments and co-parenting in two households with three people..... 

Oh.... and I should be ashamed to admit this.... but the truth of the matter is that a friend bought me that book, "Go The F*ck to Sleep" - because they thought I would find it funny.... which I did:  it's hilarious.  However.... I have to be honest and admit I've muttered that very phrase more than once at 11pm.... Dating me is more a practice in why safe sex is necessary and less a romantic experience.

In any case:  you get the idea.
This is *not* a case where one gets a lot of opportunity to 'dream' of what could be - because it already is.... AND... I can't give Carhartt any more kids.

This is something I struggle with *a LOT*.  Carhartt say's it fine that they weren't 'sold' on having any 'biological' kids, but that they like kids and would like to have a family and they are "fine" with that being "my" family and nothing more.  I'm not so sure.... babies are kind of magic.  I explained this to Carhartt - that babies are magic and YOUR baby is really really magic.... and Carhartt say's that babies are also boring, cry too much and wear diapers.

Carhartt doesn't do diapers.
Good to know. lol

Carhartt say's that The Boy and The Girl are perfect because they are great kids who are well-behaved, who adore Luke the Dog and are the perfect age for camping and fire building and fishing and hiking and looking for night-crawlers......which is 'the dream' for Carhartt.
Even still.... I feel bad.

I think it's just hard to know that decisions you made in your last relationship will affect your current one in a way that you can't change.  I hate that.....

Any life with me is going to involve someone else....
Someone else's mistakes
Someone else's children
someone else's opinion about the care of those children

I think it's a lot to ask someone to take all of that... and sometimes, I wonder if it's even fair.  The kids always have to come first..... their needs, their wants, their education, their well-being.... their kisses, their cuddles.... and I wonder if the role was reversed, would I be okay with that?  

Carhartt tells me that I think too much - may be... may be......
In the mean time, though, I'm just trying to be still, be happy, be grateful that the kids and I have someone in our life who brings us joy and happiness and red roses on Mother's Day..... and who takes the kids for a walk in the rain on Mother's Day because I just needed five minutes to finish cooking.  Someone who had to carry The Girl all the way back to the house because she broke down crying and was too tired to walk anymore.... AND - Carhartt didn't complain... instead, they just stood in the kitchen, still a bit damp, holding The Girl while she calmed down.

I think that was the best present I got on Mother's Day... an extra pair of hands to help me, an extra set of arms to carry The Girl... a hand to hold mine.  
May be it's just for today.... and tomorrow and the day next... or more... whatever it is:  I'm grateful.