This last week marks the two year annaversary that El Capitan left.
I can, though I try not to, still go back to that place. I can still fold up inside of myself and feel the same dark pain where the air leaves my chest and I'm struggling to breathe..... and I'll be honest when I tell you that there isn't one day in this life that doesn't go by where I don't sit and wonder if I can just run back in time to the driveway and just stand..... just stand still in the moment of the kids jumping in their home-made "muddy puddle" , shirtless and in their rain boots.... happy. Jumping and happy...... untouched by the pain, unmarred by the choices of their father and all the changes and hurt and pain and confusion that would follow.
Not a single day goes by that I don't continue to wish that for them.
However, lacking any kind of Marvel powers..... I can only focus on *trying* to carve out a life and a future for them that eases the pain and softly sands-out the marring in the wood of their little beings..... damn good thing I took wood-shop in high school... right? lololol
So where we are. Well..... money is beyond tight. I never made a single penny off the sign or this website, or the Blog... or even The Book (long story). BUT, this journey was never about money, it was about just finding a way to get through it and being wiling to share that journey.... and writing a book was certainly never on my own personal 'bucket-list' and it's kind of huge that I can just cross that off now. So that's a win.
Sometimes what we *learn* in life, what we can take away from a personal experience is worth more than any amount of money.... at least that's what I keep telling myself. lololol
This past year has been so full of changes... HUGE changes.....
The Boy started public school.
He's been doing really well, no concerns by teachers, got a solid role in the class musical, he has a bit of a rough time getting picked on for having the long hair... so last weekend he asked to cut it. I figured we have enough new medical challenges facing us, that getting a hair cut might just make things easier altogether.
The Girl has been in preschool.
She loves it - they lover her. Every day she leaves there are countless little girls running up to "hug goodbye". She's already READING AND WRITING. Which is blowing the minds of The Bubbie and The Papa.... but again, she get's it all from brother who continues to teach her things and be her Best Friend.
They started daycare... which has gone pretty well.
They have their own room - and now they have their own beds..... I saved up and we bought them a bunk bed from Ikea - which The Girl was super thrilled about being on the top-bunk and The Boy loves his "bat cave" below with a light for reading and journaling.
They both got new hair cuts. lol
For Easter, they got themselves up and dresses up in Superhero outfits and waited for us to get up... so I let them go hunting in their costumes..... The Boy was especially thrilled to discover the Easter Bunny had left him Captain America, Hulk and Iron Man eggs.... so that was super cool.
Me... well, as we all know: I'm a lesbian. For some people that was a 'big change'... for me, it was more about finally being able to honor my feelings in a way that I hadn't been able to for the first 37 years of my life.
The biggest change this year is that I've gone back to college..... I am currently in a program to being a Paralegal and when I graduate, I will hopefully find a great firm to work for and continue to pursue becoming a Limited License Legal Technician. As an LLLT, I would be able to work ... kind of a "baby attorney" in the field of family law/domestic relations. I don't have the time and money to become an attorney, The Boy is only ten years from going to college himself.... it seems irresponsible for me to acquire over $100,000 in student loans only a few years before HE needs me to help him go to college....
I want to be an LLLT because I feel like I could (may be) be able to help women through what *I* went through, on a legal level.... at least that's what I'm really hoping. I have just about four terms before I'm finished and hopefully I find a firm that will hire me. :)
So. My days and nights are full of classes and studying. Thus far I have earned and continue to maintain and 4.0 in my Paralegal program which *was not* easy given that I have two kids to raise, we had the freakin' FLU for two weeks and I had horrible head lice all during the first term.... lololol.
And a BIG BUTT... here.
The BIGGEST change... is that it was only *yesterday* that I realized what month is was.... in terms of the timeline of my life. Only yesterday I thought to myself... "Oh, wait - it's April... he left in April.... what day was that - the 10th? the 20th?"
I had to look it up on the Blog today, it was the 22nd.
This year on the 22nd, The Girl woke up and requested that she wear her "fancy" clothes.
She wanted a dress that sparkled, her 'lady boots' that sparkled and a coat with a "gem" on it.
Oddly enough I had all of those things in the closet - thanks to Lashla for always keeping us stoked up on fancy dress's for little girls.... MUAH. :)
And that was the day.
School, fancy clothes.... lady boots.... coats with gems on them.
Life is busy and gets busier... and in many, many ways... continues to get harder for me. I'm often wondering just how much fucking character I'm meant to "build" in this life.... I have to admit I get tired of 'pulling myself up by my bootstraps', I grow weary of facing down issue's and situations that are 'character building'..... I would *like* to move the fuck on.... but sometimes life just seems to be one big toilet and every time I swim us to the edge of the bowl, drag us up onto the safety of the porcelain edge... someone or something pushes the level and water swirls back up to the top dragging one of us or all three of us back to the bottom.... just swirling and swimming around the bottom..... again.
BUT. Like it said.... a BIG BUTT: this year *that* day.... *that* moment..... *that* annaversary.... it slipped by me: unnoticed. It went past me, without taking me down, without overwhelming me..... it just went on by.
It's not a big win.... I still haven't figured out how to survive financially... each month is a dance between what get's paid and what doesn't get paid... defined by my circumstances and not by desire, that's for sure. lololol.
I don't think we'll ever own a house again.... I've resigned myself to that.
I went into storage and cut back on *everything* .... got rid of everything I could so that I could keep all their baby toys and collectibles and whatnot - and move it all into a less expensive storage unit.
However... with everything going on..... I'm going to celebrate the small victory that *that* day when by and I didn't shed a single tear, I didn't crawl back into that place, I didn't dread the day coming for fear it would hurt.... I didn't notice it until it had passed.
It *had* been a 9.0 on my personal 'richter' scale.... but this year.... it didn't even rate.
It was a day like any other.... school, fancy clothes, lady boots, worrying about The Boy, and as always... trying to move us forward.