I'm thinking of writing a new books: The Sexy Adventures of My Lesbian Love Life.
So far.... it's a real fucking page turner, let me tell you.
A few weeks ago El Capitan had the kids - post the angry/picking them up as per the parenting plan but early visit - and Hail Mary and I went to an sports event at a local bar.
A local bar that *happens* to be one of my favorites.....
We were pretty stoked because after the kids and I had the flu... yes, as in full diagnosed, complete-with-a-stay-in-the-ER, THE FLU. First The Girl got it... the next day I got it and around day 4 The Boy came down with it. SIX DAYS of fevers over 101 - and usually over 102 for The Girl.... and the three of us could barely move so I was staying on top of water for all us of and later Gatorade to try and keep everyone out of the hospital... but day FIVE for The Girl saw her and I in the ER being treated for dehydration because she had started throwing up the medicine and all fluids for 6 hours straight and I knew we were headed for sicker times if we didn't get in and get her sorted.
At that point I was so sick, they admitted me and gave me fluids as well....
Matching hospital bracelets! Good times.... lololol
All told, it was *just about* the ENTIRE month of January which was spent in bed - for almost a full two weeks, moaning, groaning, sleeping and having The Flu.
Conspiracy theorists be dammed: next year we're getting the freaking flu shot.
So, this event was pretty much the first time Hail Mary and I were heading out into our community for an event where we get to see our friends and have adult conversations that don't include begging and bartering with a four year old to pleasepleasepleasefortheloveofG*ddrinkthecherrymedicine, and getting to dress up a little bit (clean sweatshirt, Wal-Mart jeans and Chucks of course) and.... I usually wear my hair down.
By far, if I have any features to speak of... it's my hair. The color is ... unique - it's very dark but has natural red and brown highlights, I've never dyed it, though with all this grey coming in around the edges I'm getting a bit tempted... lololol
Wait... ok, not *entirely* true, the summer after ninth grade we were living in Iowa and it hot... H. O.T. HOT. And it was a small town, so I would walk around town in these 90s, thin, floral dresses and usually I would walk to the pool, swim, pull on my floral dress and walk home... barefoot. The end result was that I was SUPER tan, like I should probably be keeping and eye on some of those moles - TAN. :( Anyhow... I had this GREAT idea that I had read about in JANE magazine and it said to put lemon juice on your hair to get those "sun streaks"... which I *think* works for blondes... for brunette's, it just turns your hair this shitty, shitty yellow.
So there you have it .... one time a thousand years I kind of sort of dyed my hair. lol
Aside from that though... it's all natural and I really feel like it's my best feature, so on this momentous day - the FIRST day Hail Mary and I were heading back out into public for lunch and friends and fun: my hair was down in all it's very very long flowing glory.
We had a GREAT time with our friends and it was a fantastic afternoon - after which I picked up the kids from El Capitan and we went home. Monday I had homework and the kids go to preschool/school/daycare and then I picked them up. It was a normal Monday: except for all the itching.
That night I crawled into bed, exhausted and still stressed from missing so much school of my own (more on that later) and I commented to Hail Mary that my head itched So.FU.CKING.BAD.... and while I nestled down into my pillow Hail Mary shot out of bed with super-human speed and with Spiderman-like-reflexes and demanded that I get to the bathroom: NOOOOOWWWW.
The look on her face meant business so I did what I told... scratching all the way there.
You see, Hail Mary 'grew up' in a daycare. Her Mom worked at one, so she went there and later she worked at the day care in high school. Nearly 15 years of either being *in* a daycare setting or *working* in a daycare setting, Hail Mary knows that an itchy head means only one thing: HEAD FREAKING LICE.
Hail Mary artfully pulled through my hair.... oh, and *while* my hair *is* my 'crowning-glory' there is also A LOT of it... and by that I mean to say that my *entire* adult life, hairdressers have to add an extra 45 minutes to just FINISH my hair because there is soooooo much of it - it take twice as long to style and dry - and THAT was even when it was just a nice short bob style - I have A LOT of hair and it's super super thick.
So.... over an HOUR and a dozen nit eggs extracted and in the sink.... Hail Mary confirmed the worst: I had fucking head lice. At which point I PRAYED for a sink whole to take me away... but nothing happened.
Where's a good head lice sink hole when you need one?
By now it was well after mid-night and Hail Mary went into the children's room to check their heads in their sleep, and curiously... *they* did not have head lice. Which is *very* odd because usually parents get head lice from their kids.....
Then I had to look through Hail Mary's hair.... and I found nothing.
So off Hail Mary went to the local Wal-Mart to buy RID treatment and bring it home... then I bent over the tub and we washed/treated and nit-combed my mid-back long, long, thick hair.....
I cried for most of the time, watching my hair breaking off under the stress of the nit-comb being dragged through it. A bug hit the bottom of the tub and I nearly threw up.... snot rolling up my cheeks (because I'm upside down) tears and chemicals burning my eyes and my hair.... all my lovely hair... broken and swirling around the tub..... and Hail Mary just carried on helping me scratch and massage and comb.
We finished around 4:30 in the morning.
We woke up a few hours later, I braided my hair tightly and headed off to school, Hail Mary took the day off work (not knowing if she had head lice, she thought it better not to take it there) - and called her Mom who came over with her two decades of head-lice at a daycare experience and she checked both children (who also stayed home) and Hail Mary.... and no one had head lice. NO. ONE.
I got home and Hail Mary checked my head..... more eggs.
Which means you STILL have active lice.
This time we decided to do the Mayonnaise treatment, which took an ENTIRE BRAND NEW JAR of Best Foods finiest on my head.... I coil wrapped my hair and pinned it to my head and put on a sleeping cap. It stayed there for over 27 hours... then I rinsed and washed my hair - finding only ONE tiny tiny bug.... I thought my nightmare was over...... it wasn't.
I had to call El Capitan and let him know that while I was *pretty sure* the kids were 'in the clear', I needed to let him know that I had picked up head lice and he should probably wash the kids bedding, etc.....and let me assure you that having to call your ex-husband and let him know that you have mothertrucking HEAD. LICE is almost as bad as calling him to tell him you have crabs or something....
My humiliation never seems to end.
So I tell him, and the phone is silent for a second.... then El Capitan say's, "Of course you do, that sounds about right."
Who get's viral meningitis? This girl.
Who get's some rare disease the CDC investigates? This girl.
Who puts up a funny sign to sell her house and winds up on TV? This girl.
So yeah... Head Lice just seems par for the course.
But he was kind, he said he hadn't seen them itching, but he would wash their sheets and thanked me for letting him know.... good times.
But that night Hail Mary sits me down on the toilet and starts going through my hair - and we find yet MORE eggs... further down the shaft and new.
At this point I'm starting to have my own personal, Britney-Spears' moment and Hail Mary is prying the shaver out of my hands and assuring me that I don't need to shave my head Sinead style... I'm not so sure.
So back to Wal Mart she goes, more RID treatment (which is technically too soon but whatever) - and we do the horrible, crying treatment alll over again......
Every night I'm sleeping with my hair pinned to my head and in a bonnet.
Sexy I know......
Every night we're spending over and hour looking for head lice.
Every day I'm trying not to hug the children, or let my hair touch them, I'm doing loads and loads and loads of laundry... cleaning the car, spraying everything down the RID spray.... car seats and seat belts and EVERY.FUCKINg.THING. I can ...... plus the usual homework for The Boy, homework for me, making dinner and lunches and all the usual 'Mommy stuff'....
I was so tired.
Thursday comes and we sit down *again* and ... yet MORE eggs.
So we do the Best Foods treatment again, only this time we look it up on a different site and it say's to saran wrap your head after you pin your hair up and THEN sleep in a shower cap. So, another jar of Best Foods, a hundred bobby pins and cling film on my head..... I'm miserable.
The mayonnaise is dripping down the wrap and into my eyes and down my back and into my ears... I'm sobbing and tired and angry and frustrated and Hail Mary can't even hug me because g*d forbid BOTH of us get this.... and she feels horrible every time she's pulling the nit comb through my hair because she's 'hurting' me but there's no other way.....
I didn't rinse out the mayonnaise until late Friday - and then I DID NOT shampoo my hair.... for another FIVE DAYS. I just kept braiding up the greasy mess and pinning it my head a'la 'Frozen' style... and suffering through it in public. Thankfully.... by Sunday, I had no more nits, no more eggs.....
I was Head Lice FREE.
The kids and Hail Mary had dodged the bullet and never came down the critters at all - and we finally decided that I most likely got it at the bar because I had sat in a seat that had a FABRIC BACK. Lice cannot survive on plastic, but they can linger for a wee while on fabric - hence why your children should NEVER share coats and hats in schools - and why lice can jump from one hat in a crowded closet room to the next......
Friday the kids has their usual play-group and we were there for our Valentine's Day party with the kids. These kids, these friends of mine, have been such a life-line to all three of us.... and of course I had confess my Head Lice sins to the Mom's who were gagging and grossing and taking notes for when *their* kids get lice... lololol.... and we were all enjoying a good laugh at my hair's expense.
One of the Dad's was there that day because the Mom was at work, and when I was done telling my tale of Head Lice Woe and leaned over the kitchen island and said:
"That's THE BEST love story I've heard all Valentine's Day..... "
I was mid-bite into my heart shaped cookie and I realized he was right.... it's not sexy and it didn't come from a store that sells little blue boxes of jewelry heaven..... but what Hail Mary "gives" me every day is unconditional love.
Unconditional-kids screaming-kids throwing tantrums-sick for weeks in bed with the flu-ex-husbands and media shit storms and documentaries and broken hearts and that might never heal- HEAD LICE LOVE.
It sure as shit isn't sexy..... believe that. lolol
But it's unconditional.... and I'm so lucky, head lice and all.
PS - for Mom's with kids in school, here is my head lice advice:
In your car, keep the RID head lice spray, two garbage bags and a shower cap.
ONE. if there is an 'outbreak' at your school and you get the dreaded letter, DO NOT PUT YOUR KID IN THE CAR. Instead, spray down their backpack, coat and car seat. Put their coat/hat/backpack in one of the garbage bags. Put the OTHER bag on the car seat (if you aren't using the harness) - and put the shower cap on your kid.
Go home and put your kid at the kitchen table NOT on a couch.
Clean off their bed and put all sheets/blankets/etc in the wash. Look ONLINE for instructions on washing.
Then SPRAY DOWN their pillows and mattress and their carpet.
Vacuum the carpet.
THEN CLEAN OUT AND SPRAY DOWN THE VACUUM. this is a must.
ALSO, if you want to avoid sprays, you can FREEZE Head Lice - put everything in a back - coats/hats/ etc and put it in a freezer for one week. That works, too.
Take your kid upstairs and FIRST go through their hair by hand with a pencil making small parts in small sections and pull out all the nit eggs you can find by HAND.
THEN do the treatment.
The Mayonnaise worked best... but was BRUTAL and runny.... I'm guessing most kids would hate it.
Keep it braided and close to the head at all times.
If you have a boy... just shave his head.