Answering:  Mothertrucking head-lice.

I'm thinking of writing a new books:  The Sexy Adventures of My Lesbian Love Life.
So far.... it's a real fucking page turner, let me tell you.
Seriously.

A few weeks ago El Capitan had the kids - post the angry/picking them up as per the parenting plan but early visit - and Hail Mary and I went to an sports event at a local bar.
A local bar that *happens* to be one of my favorites.....

We were pretty stoked because after the kids and I had the flu... yes, as in full diagnosed, complete-with-a-stay-in-the-ER, THE FLU.  First The Girl got it... the next day I got it and around day 4 The Boy came down with it.  SIX DAYS of fevers over 101 - and usually over 102 for The Girl.... and the three of us could barely move so I was staying on top of water for all us of and later Gatorade to try and keep everyone out of the hospital... but day FIVE for The Girl saw her and I in the ER being treated for dehydration because she had started throwing up the medicine and all fluids for 6 hours straight and I knew we were headed for sicker times if we didn't get in and get her sorted.  

At that point I was so sick, they admitted me and gave me fluids as well.... 
Matching hospital bracelets!  Good times.... lololol

All told, it was *just about* the ENTIRE month of January which was spent in bed - for almost a full two weeks, moaning, groaning, sleeping and having The Flu. 
Conspiracy theorists be dammed:  next year we're getting the freaking flu shot. 

So, this event was pretty much the first time Hail Mary and I were heading out into our community for an event where we get to see our friends and have adult conversations that don't include begging and bartering with a four year old to pleasepleasepleasefortheloveofG*ddrinkthecherrymedicine, and getting to dress up a little bit (clean sweatshirt, Wal-Mart jeans and Chucks of course) and.... I usually wear my hair down.

By far, if I have any features to speak of... it's my hair.  The color is ... unique - it's very dark but has natural red and brown highlights, I've never dyed it, though with all this grey coming in around the edges I'm getting a bit tempted... lololol

Wait... ok, not *entirely* true, the summer after ninth grade we were living in Iowa and it hot... H. O.T. HOT.  And it was a small town, so I would walk around town in these 90s, thin, floral dresses and usually I would walk to the pool, swim, pull on my floral dress and walk home... barefoot.  The end result was that I was SUPER tan, like I should probably be keeping and eye on some of those moles - TAN.  :(  Anyhow... I had this GREAT idea that I had read about in JANE magazine and it said to put lemon juice on your hair to get those "sun streaks"... which I *think* works for blondes... for brunette's, it just turns your hair this shitty, shitty yellow.
Ugh.

So there you have it .... one time a thousand years I kind of sort of dyed my hair. lol

Aside from that though... it's all natural and I really feel like it's my best feature, so on this momentous day - the FIRST day Hail Mary and I were heading back out into public for lunch and friends and fun:  my hair was down in all it's very very long flowing glory.
Fuck.

We had a GREAT time with our friends and it was a fantastic afternoon - after which I picked up the kids from El Capitan and we went home.  Monday I had homework and the kids go to preschool/school/daycare and then I picked them up.  It was a normal Monday: except for all the itching.

That night I crawled into bed, exhausted and still stressed from missing so much school of my own (more on that later) and I commented to Hail Mary that my head itched So.FU.CKING.BAD.... and while I nestled down into my pillow Hail Mary shot out of bed with super-human speed and with Spiderman-like-reflexes and demanded that I get to the bathroom: NOOOOOWWWW.

The look on her face meant business so I did what I told... scratching all the way there.

You see, Hail Mary 'grew up' in a daycare. Her Mom worked at one, so she went there and later she worked at the day care in high school.  Nearly 15 years of either being *in* a daycare setting or *working* in a daycare setting, Hail Mary knows that an itchy head means only one thing:  HEAD FREAKING LICE.
good grief.

Hail Mary artfully pulled through my hair.... oh, and *while* my hair *is* my 'crowning-glory' there is also A LOT of it... and by that I mean to say that my *entire* adult life, hairdressers have to add an extra 45 minutes to just FINISH my hair because there is soooooo much of it - it take twice as long to style and dry - and THAT was even when it was just a nice short bob style - I have A LOT of hair and it's super super thick.

So.... over an HOUR and a dozen nit eggs extracted and in the sink.... Hail Mary confirmed the worst:  I had fucking head lice.  At which point I PRAYED for a sink whole to take me away... but nothing happened.
Where's a good head lice sink hole when you need one?

By now it was well after mid-night and Hail Mary went into the children's room to check their heads in their sleep, and curiously... *they* did not have head lice.  Which is *very* odd because usually parents get head lice from their kids.....

Then I had to look through Hail Mary's hair.... and I found nothing.
Sigh.

So off Hail Mary went to the local Wal-Mart to buy RID treatment and bring it home... then I bent over the tub and we washed/treated and nit-combed my mid-back long, long, thick hair..... 

I cried for most of the time, watching my hair breaking off under the stress of the nit-comb being dragged through it.  A bug hit the bottom of the tub and I nearly threw up.... snot rolling up my cheeks (because I'm upside down) tears and chemicals burning my eyes and my hair.... all my lovely hair... broken and swirling around the tub..... and Hail Mary just carried on helping me scratch and massage and comb.

We finished around 4:30 in the morning.
We woke up a few hours later, I braided my hair tightly and headed off to school, Hail Mary took the day off work (not knowing if she had head lice, she thought it better not to take it there) - and called her Mom who came over with her two decades of head-lice at a daycare experience and she checked both children (who also stayed home) and Hail Mary.... and no one had head lice.  NO. ONE.
Just me.
Sigh.

I got home and Hail Mary checked my head..... more eggs.
Which means you STILL have active lice.

This time we decided to do the Mayonnaise treatment, which took an ENTIRE BRAND NEW JAR of Best Foods finiest on my head.... I coil wrapped my hair and pinned it to my head and put on a sleeping cap.  It stayed there for over 27 hours... then I rinsed and washed my hair - finding only ONE tiny tiny bug.... I thought my nightmare was over...... it wasn't.
Crap.

I had to call El Capitan and let him know that while I was *pretty sure* the kids were 'in the clear', I needed to let him know that I had picked up head lice and he should probably wash the kids bedding, etc.....and let me assure you that having to call your ex-husband and let him know that you have mothertrucking HEAD. LICE is almost as bad as calling him to tell him you have crabs or something.... 
My humiliation never seems to end.

So I tell him, and the phone is silent for a second.... then El Capitan say's, "Of course you do, that sounds about right." 

Who get's viral meningitis?  This girl.
Who get's some rare disease the CDC investigates?  This girl.
Who puts up a funny sign to sell her house and winds up on TV?  This girl.

So yeah... Head Lice just seems par for the course.
lololol

But he was kind, he said he hadn't seen them itching, but he would wash their sheets and thanked me for letting him know.... good times.

But that night Hail Mary sits me down on the toilet and starts going through my hair - and we find yet MORE eggs... further down the shaft and new.

At this point I'm starting to have my own personal, Britney-Spears' moment and Hail Mary is prying the shaver out of my hands and assuring me that I don't need to shave my head Sinead style... I'm not so sure.

So back to Wal Mart she goes, more RID treatment (which is technically too soon but whatever) - and we do the horrible, crying treatment alll over again......

Every night I'm sleeping with my hair pinned to my head and in a bonnet.
Sexy I know......

Every night we're spending over and hour looking for head lice.
Even sexier.....

Every day I'm trying not to hug the children, or let my hair touch them, I'm doing loads and loads and loads of laundry... cleaning the car, spraying everything down the RID spray.... car seats and seat belts and EVERY.FUCKINg.THING. I can ...... plus the usual homework for The Boy, homework for me, making dinner and lunches and all the usual 'Mommy stuff'....
I was so tired.

Thursday comes and we sit down *again* and ... yet MORE eggs.

So we do the Best Foods treatment again, only this time we look it up on a different site and it say's to saran wrap your head after you pin your hair up and THEN sleep in a shower cap. So, another jar of Best Foods, a hundred bobby pins and cling film on my head..... I'm miserable.

The mayonnaise is dripping down the wrap and into my eyes and down my back and into my ears... I'm sobbing and tired and angry and frustrated and Hail Mary can't even hug me because g*d forbid BOTH of us get this.... and she feels horrible every time she's pulling the nit comb through my hair because she's 'hurting' me but there's no other way.....

I didn't rinse out the mayonnaise until late Friday - and then I DID NOT shampoo my hair.... for another FIVE DAYS.  I just kept braiding up the greasy mess and pinning it  my head a'la 'Frozen' style... and suffering through it in public.  Thankfully.... by Sunday, I had no more nits, no more eggs.....

I was Head Lice FREE.

The kids and Hail Mary had dodged the bullet and never came down the critters at all - and we finally decided that I most likely got it at the bar because I had sat in a seat that had a FABRIC BACK.  Lice cannot survive on plastic, but they can linger for a wee while on fabric - hence why your children should NEVER share coats and hats in schools - and why lice can jump from one hat in a crowded closet room to the next......
Sigh.

Friday the kids has their usual play-group and we were there for our Valentine's Day party with the kids.  These kids, these friends of mine, have been such a life-line to all three of us.... and of course I had confess my Head Lice sins to the Mom's who were gagging and grossing and taking notes for when *their* kids get lice... lololol.... and we were all enjoying a good laugh at my hair's expense.

One of the Dad's was there that day because the Mom was at work, and when I was done telling my tale of Head Lice Woe and leaned over the kitchen island and said:

"That's THE BEST love story I've heard all Valentine's Day..... "

I was mid-bite into my heart shaped cookie and I realized he was right.... it's not sexy and it didn't come from a store that sells little blue boxes of jewelry heaven..... but what Hail Mary "gives" me every day is unconditional love. 

Unconditional-kids screaming-kids throwing tantrums-sick for weeks in bed with the flu-ex-husbands and media shit storms and documentaries and broken hearts and that might never heal- HEAD LICE LOVE.


It sure as shit isn't sexy..... believe that. lolol
But it's unconditional.... and I'm so lucky, head lice and all.


*******
PS - for Mom's with kids in school, here is my head lice advice:
In your car, keep the RID head lice spray, two garbage bags and a shower cap.

ONE.  if there is an 'outbreak' at your school and you get the dreaded letter, DO NOT PUT YOUR KID IN THE CAR.  Instead, spray down their backpack, coat and car seat.  Put their coat/hat/backpack in one of the garbage bags.  Put the OTHER bag on the car seat (if you aren't using the harness) - and put the shower cap on your kid.

Go home and put your kid at the kitchen table NOT on a couch.
Clean off their bed and put all sheets/blankets/etc in the wash.  Look ONLINE for instructions on washing.
Then SPRAY DOWN their pillows and mattress and their carpet.  
Vacuum the carpet.

THEN CLEAN OUT AND SPRAY DOWN THE VACUUM.  this is a must.

ALSO, if you want to avoid sprays, you can FREEZE Head Lice - put everything in a back - coats/hats/ etc and put it in a freezer for one week.  That works, too.

Take your kid upstairs and FIRST go through their hair by hand with a pencil making small parts in small sections and pull out all the nit eggs you can find by HAND.  
THEN do the treatment.

The Mayonnaise worked best... but was BRUTAL and runny.... I'm guessing most kids would hate it.
Keep it braided and close to the head at all times.
If you have a boy... just shave his head.
lol

Good luck!

So today is Valentine's Day.

I think that the worst thing I *ever* did for 'love' on Valentine's Day was in the 8th grade.... we were living in Alabama at the time and the 'fancy' department store there was Parisians - I think that's what it was called.  Anyhow.... in the perfume department, they had these biggish stuffed teddy bears with a ribbon around the neck and like *every* girl in 8th grade was getting one and I REALLY REALLY wanted one.

Fuck, I really wanted one of those bears.

And there was this super nice kid in my typing class (totally worth it because I still type waaaaay fast with few errors.. lol) - his name was Josh and I knew he liked me.  I liked him - but did I *like* like him???  May be... but may be not.... but I *really* wanted one of those damn bears.  

So Josh asked me to 'go-steady' and I said yes and sure enough on Valentine's - *I* was lucky enough to get one of those bears and it seemed like our entire hallway was full of this ribbon-necked stuffed bears... and mine sat proudly outside my locker.

I felt soooo loved.  
I felt so excited that a boy bought me that bear - as though it were some kind of seal of approval stamped over my heart saying, "You are worth being loved... .and here's a fluffy bear to prove it."
I was stoked.... but deep down I felt guilty.

The more that time went by I knew that Josh was waaaaay more into me than I was into him... also, I knew we were moving before 9th grade, so after a while things just kind of fizzled out and we "broke up".  Towards the end of the school year I remember seeing Josh's Mom somewhere at school and I said something to her about how nice Josh was and she commented back something along the lines that he was a nice kid and he 'sure had a hard time getting over [me].'

In that moment I felt myself get very... very small.  I felt horrible about that.
I *did* like him... and we held hands and passed notes and kissed and all the usual things you do in 8th grade.... and that was genuine - but deep down, I knew that really really really.... I always knew he liked me more than I liked him and I probably SHOULD have not said yes initially - but I just wanted that damn bear.

And I got my bear and poor Josh got his first 'proper' broken heart.
That sucks.
I suck.

Fast forward nearly two decades and a extra's pounds... I thought I knew what "love" was.
I thought that I had my 'forever' Valentine and that my life was.... pretty much set.
I had a wedding ring and ten years of 'blissful' marriage under my belt:  the OFFICIAL stamp on my heart that said I was worth being loved.

And  then..... well... it turns out that neither El Capitan or I actually KNEW what love was.

Love isn't fucking some 22 year old and racing home with cookies and a diet coke for your wife... still dripping in sweat and cum.
Nope... it's not that for sure.

Love isn't insisting on your cell phone and the Saturn car keys as you move out - don't insist on the kids or visitation or pictures.... or any piece of them... just the phone and the car.
That sure as shit isn't love.

So.... LAST year was hard because I spent *every day* thinking about what 'love' really was and what being 'in love' and what 'loving someone' really means..... and *most importantly* trying to find ways to put my *own* stamps on my heart.... stamps I wouldn't later feel guilty about... stamps that wouldn't later turn into tramps.

Here's what I learned:

Miss Chloe bringing me dinners hugging me, tear soaked on my front porch:  that is LOVE.
Jenny B holding my hand while I cried a river on the dining room table:  that is LOVE.
Veronica for always answering her phone to make out small words between sobs:  that is LOVE.
My SIL who came over to pack boxes, mourning her own personal loss:  that is LOVE.
Miss Megan who opened her home more than once:  that is LOVE.
Miss Katie & Tim who brought me an "ugly cry kit" full of chocolate, tissue's and eye cream: that is LOVE.
Lashla... who lives a million miles away, but is always part of my heart and spirit:  that is love.
and everyone else who walked with me... and sometimes had to drag me through the dark times... Carrie, Erin, Sara O, Miss Bridgette, Miss Tiare, Miss Courtney, Janda..... that is LOVE.

and then I came out......

Fabs who changed my life and helped me see myself through new eyes:  that is love.
Anny who's strength and sheer will raises the bar of the things I can accomplish:  that is love.
Marta who is always driving me to be a better me: that is love.
Miss K who taught me how to dance and the kids, too:  that is love.
Welen who became one of my besties in no short order:  that is love.
Nats who offered me a place to live and would jump over oceans to help us: that is love.
J... to whom I can tell my deepest darkest secrets, who is there for me anytime all the time: that is love.
Scarlet who sent me the most lovely Christmas present ever: that is love.
Pauline & Joyce who paved the way for me to find myself: that is love.
K&K who gave me the chance to play softball and bask in the togetherness of lesbian softball: that is love.
Emilio and his Latino lover who have embraced me with hugs and smiles and support: that is love.
A whole community of wonderful people who accept me:  that is love.

Hail Mary who has seen me at my very, very worst.
... at my most broken.
... with swollen eyes and a hurt heart from things she didn't cause and can't 'fix'.
... yelling at my kids in a moment of lost patience and utter frustration.
... with the flu.... for almost two entire weeks.
.... and most recently.... with head lice.  yes. head lice.  (more on that adventure later lol).

A Bubbie and a Papa, who opened their home and their hearts to the three of us.
... who took up parenting on days when just keeping my eyes open seemed too hard a task. (early days)
.... who helped with bills and presents for the kids.
.... who love me and found a way to accept me... even lesbian me.

Two kids who have seen me fall totally a part, fight to get back up, and still have the capacity to forgive and love El Capitan and me.... THAT is LOVE.

So.... what I've *really* learned is that 'unconditional love' is actually all around me.
It might not come with a cute ribbon wrapped around it's neck (No, Hail Mary... that's not a hint lol).
It might not always come in the form of a "life partner"....

Sometimes.... it comes in the form of thousands of Blog readers who are STILL coming back and reading about scorned me and divorced me and angry me and hurt me.... and even dyke me.
That's kind of awesome.  Thanks for that.  You don't know how much I appreciate the figurative you - and how much this Blog has helped me get through the last two years.....
THAT is love.

So.... I've learned to define love differently - I like to think I can define it more honestly now.  
I've stopped "looking" for it because now I can sit back and rest in it like a giant comfy chair because truthfully, it's all around me. 

It's in the faces and hearts and words and actions of the people who fill my life with their friendship..... and I'm fucking lucky for it.
Really. Lucky.

So I hope the real 'valentines' of your life are everywhere you look.

First of all.... let me be *super* clear that I don't *actually* feel the need to "answer" to anyone.... however, I *do* absolutely feel the need to be honest.

To that end..... when someone calls me out as dis-honest, I will explain because honesty is important to me.  I would be *livid* pissed if I had a friend - in person or online or someone I followed in a blog or in their movie career - who lead me to believe a certain set of personal truths, only to find out I was 'duped' and it was all a lie or a huge exaggeration.

LIV.ID.

Why.....?  Because I already lived that.....
yes, I love you.
No, nothing's wrong.
Yes, everything is fine.... so on and so forth.
But... it *wasn't* fine.

I think, to be totally honest, that *that* might be one of the reasons my marriage failed.  El Capitan would be the first to tell you I'm honest to a fault.  I don't do drugs, I don't drink - I would NEVER EVER Drink and drive.  I try *really* hard never to break 'life's rules' - mostly because I don't think you should.

Generally speaking, in society, there are a set of people who have been there, done that, paid the price, got the t-shirt and decided to save me the trouble of doing it to myself.... so they make rules and I - generally follow them.  Do I follow them blindly?  Fuck no.  But, usually, if there's rule, there's a reason.

I live.... as much as I can anyway... in a black and white world.  I try not to make too many excuses for myself.... my weight is what it is because I don't make time for myself, I don't go to the gym and I eat too many donuts.  I don't have some elaborate story about my thyroid or some back injury or whatever.... there's no mystery to my size.

In fact, for the most part, I hate 'mystery'.  I don't eat food that I can't readily identify.  I don't drink things I didn't order and pay for.... definitely don't want any mystery there.  Even when before I came out to my family, I spent months researching the historical stories of lesbians and their social history, and what it all meant:  I didn't want a ton of mystery.... well - may be the 'good kind'. lolol :)

I think that's part of why I've struggled with El Capitan in the last few months.... there's just way too fucking much mystery..... which usually equates to misery for me and  the kids.
And anger..... lots of anger for me.

I felt so *proud* of putting myself and my 'forgiveness' out there (that's 'air quoted' not in sarcasm, but meant to define all that I offered La Novia back there - one word to define all of it) - and .... I get left out in the rain:  figuratively and literally... over and over.
It really pisses me off.

A few weeks ago, after another long spell of not really seeing the kids regularly and we had already had plans to be in El Capitan's area visiting friends (this is a long standing Friday afternoon event that goes back almost four years now.... so this is nothing "new") and as such I planned to drop the kids off at his place when we were done with our visit.

Then he called.... it got all complicated and he got mad insinuating that he had made "all these plans" borrowing people's cars and whatever to get up to our place (45 minutes away in no traffic) - in 30 minutes on a Friday night.  That's a two hour drive on average.... not 30 minutes.  

Needless to say - the stories didn't add up and I was like... 'does it matter?  I'm here - saving you the drive - as I already TOLD You- as I have been MANY FRIDAYS this year - so I'll drop them off.....'.

Then it was.... "Oh, I need to go the grocery story -can you drop them off to me there?"
Umm.... no?

Then it was.... "Oh, I'm already in the Church parking lot by [our friend's] house - can you meet me here?"
Sure... in the dark and in the rain.....?  
Sure... why not.
Sigh.

We got there and everyone said hello.... but El Capitan's crossed arms and general demeanor indicated that something more was on the plate so Hail Mary took the kids for a walk and I started off by saying, in a plain and simple tone:  "when you make me meet you in a parking lot, it feels to me like you're keeping me away from dropping the kids off at your place - and I don't think I've done anything that means I'm not welcome to drop the kids off there."

I mean.... fuck.  I practially wrote La Novia a novel on how to be sucessful with the kids... welcomed her with open arms... and yet NOW I'm reduced to dropping my kids off in dark Church parking lots?

WHY? I DID NOTHING WRONG.
Sigh..... 

So then he got super mad and was yelling stuff at me.... but it's 'personal' stuff, stuff that if he's not lying, is deep, dark issue's he's handling and it's not fair to him to blog them... but the gist of it all was that he needed me to meet him in that parking lot because:

a) it's "awkward" for him to 'wait around with his girlfriend' for his 'ex-wife' to drop off the kids.
AND.... and this park is fucking epic..... and I quote it for you:  "You [Elle] don't have a right to put me in awkward situations."

Yes... yes... you read that right.  *I* don't have "the right" to put El Capitan in "awkward situations."
So I guess it's a good thing that I DIDN'T DO THAT... huh? lol

Like... seriously - what *does* he think... what did SHE think was going to happen????  That he would have this totally separate life and the past and the present would never ever have to live in the same place together????
Impossible... I refuse to believe anyone is that stupid.

and b) that he [El Capitan] wanted me to meet him in that parking lot so that he has "more control" over his life and (essentially) makes more of his own decisions.

Sigh.

I don't really see or talk to him all that much... and other than being at HIS beck and call for WHEN he see's his kids.... by that I mean that HE takes them when HE wants to.  When he isn't working and has the weekend/night free - HE see's them.  I make no demands on his time.

I don't control WHEN he see's them... I don't control for HOW LONG.  I don't even control the drop off and pick up - but seeing as how he's without a car... and I live 45 minutes away... I just *assumed* I would at least be dropping them off..... 
But that's not me 'being nice' - that's me 'being controlling'.

And... before one of you writes me - it actually STATES in our divorce that the children are dropped off or picked up at one of the parent's homes - for the VERY REASON that I never wanted them shuffled between cars in  parking lot in the rain like bags on a bus..... just moving along.

So I'm not really in 'control' of anything..... which I find ironic that two years ago he got into *her* bed because he didn't feel like he was 'in control' and I 'mothered him too much' and blah blah blah.... and now I'm hearing similar talk...... someone better start checking those text messages. lol

Anyway...... so I TRIED to really hear him out, tried to be compassionate to his situation, to his feelings.... because that's what best for the kids.  Working things out - hearing him out.... and I was *almost* ready to believe that this really wasn't about La Novia NOT wanting me to drop my kids off at her place.... and how this was really about him and what he needs.....

Until:  The My Little Pony backpack.

Our friends live in the area - but about 10 miles to the South.  Hail Mary and I were heading about 15 miles north to have dinner with J.... and on our way - and closer to where La Novia and El Capitan actually do live - I notice The Girl's My Little Pony backpack in the back seat - all packed with the toys she was taking to her Dad's house.

He said they were just running to the grocery store and heading back, so I decided to just stop over and drop the bag on his porch.  It's a very sheltered area with a full hallway and open doorway  - so the backpack would be safe and dry...... 

But as I pull up to run the bag to the door step.... I notice La Novia's car parked right outside.... and I can see lights on in the apartment.....
Fuckin A.

Seriously?  REALLY?

Hail Mary said nothing... she knew what it meant and she could see I was hurt.

I didn't get out of the car, instead, I just backed up and drove on to dinner with J.

The next day, La Novia was home - and made a huge production of telling THe Boy that *this* was her *only* Saturday off and that she was spending it with THEM.... (first time in the least 7 months they've really seen her at all according to either kid) - and even The Boy, when telling me this - was teeling it to me confused about it... because Hail Mary and I spend alllll our days with them, so he wasn't clear on why La Novia felt like she was "choosing" - and I couldn't really figure out how to explain it back.... and thankfully he just moved on from it like a typical 9 year old.....

But, La Novia was home and El Capitan and I got into the first proper 'fight' we've had in a very very very long time... and I knew when she was in the room because his language would change and his demeanor would change and that drove me nuts.... he started talking about going to the DOJ and lowering child support and changing parenting orders..... meanwhile dodging the question about why it is that *I* can't drop my children off at their Dad's place and how RUDE that is.....

Instead he say's nasty stuff about how "this" [the fighting] is the real reason we're not married anymore... which - isn't true, but that's a two year old dead issue - so I was angry and he was angry and then he threw me into utter oblivion when he said this little gem:

"Explain to me how it is I fucked up your life.....?"  said El Capitan to me.

Yes.... he said it.
And I just stood in my storage unit - the one filled with the packed up toys and the memories and the wedding china and my whole entire ten years of wedding bliss.... packed floor to ceiling in a 25x20 storage unit - standing there because I either have to move, donate or sell it's ENTIRE CONTENTS by the end of February because I can't afford the fee's anymore....and El Capitan wants to know "how" he "fucked up" my life????
Sigh.

He was talking 'paperwork' and court papers and this and that..... he's gets all 'legal talky' when La Novia is around.... so I stopped him and said, "Yup, you're right, we should be doing this by the book, and in light of that, your time with the kids is up.  You have had the number of nights/hours you were supposed to have them... so I'll pick them up at 5pm."

So I picked up them a day early.  PLEASE.... know that he had had them "more" than our parenting plan stated, but to my mind, if he has the time and wants to see them, I'm ok with that because it's in the best interest of what the kids want, or at least I assume it is.
But that day... tired of 'mystery' and veiled threats and changing tones every time your girlfriend walks in the room... the one who doesn't spend time with them, doesn't actively 'co-parent' them.... I was just done and felt I needed to prove a point.  Not the 'point' that I have some kind of 'power' but the point that if we want to start digging out paperwork and changing things and "live by it" to benefit someone else... then I can do the same thing.

He was stunned.
So was the Bubbie... actually. lol

And at 5 pm, without incident or unkind word or look...I drove up, picked up my kids - who were happy and blissfully unaware that they were leaving "early" - and back to Bubbie's we went.  

I can't ever decide when I'm being.... too nice?  too mean?  I don't know.... going on to get along makes it easier for everyone and less stress on the kids... but at the same time - I've been doing that FOR TWO YEARS - and I've offered and olive branch of total acceptance and support to someone who sucked her way into my family like a shopvac: industrial strength.

So.  Yes.  I pulled rank.  For the first time ever.  I pulled rank.
I'm tired of mystery...... I'm tired of being treated like *I* am/was/will be a problem - because how you treat ME is how you are also treating my children..... and at some point I'm done.  If you want to suddenly play by the book, so to speak, then allow me to do that same.

I didn't want it this way.... I wanted that great situation where we all work to get along and let bygones by bygones and smile and wave at the kids from the same side of the soccer field..... I hate the mystery of not knowing what's really going on - or if whatever conversation we're having about our "feelings" is really just a not-so-cleverly-masked way of keeping me from dropping my kids off at your place.....

So that..... that's what you missed. lol
But... did you *really* miss it?  lololololol
 

Sorry.

First of all, I am sorry.  I'm sorry that I didn't follow through on my promise. Sorry that I didn't keep blogging even though hundreds of you still come here every day.  I said I would keep blogging no matter what.... and to be honest, I *miss* it.  It makes me a better person - a better Mom because I tend to hold myself to a higher standard when I'm blogging.... what I mean by that is, well.... it's hard to explain.  It's just that, sometimes I can get lost in my own head in my daily life and when I'm blogging, it helps me hold onto perspective a bit more and not get lost in the pain and upset that still sometimes sweeps in and takes me off my feet leaving me struggling to find ground once again.

So.... I'm sorry.
Sorry if I upset you... disappointed the collective 'you'....
And sorry for me.

All apologies out of the way, there *is* a reason.  It's wasn't just a random thing, or a timing thing... though I am *certainly* very busy.  It wasn't a Hail Mary thing... or an El Capitan thing.... 

To be honest:  it was a *me and you* thing.
Yup.

Right around last Christmas I got an email.... from an IP address not local to me, though I still can't decide it if it was sent by someone I know-know... or a reader.  Either way, it doesn't matter much.  Because I don't know *who* sent it - or their actual intent, I won't publish the email verbatim.... I will share with you the jist of things:

"Dear Elle,
I wanted to ask you why you write about being poor because it doesn't seem like you are very poor to me.  You go to Disneyland and take trips and are always going places with your children, so therefore you can't be poor.  I think it's all a rouse to make us feel sorry for you when you are out living the high life."

It went on.... and it was actually pretty insulting at points - the usual "You used your kids to make money" and on and on it went..... Sigh.

I've been called a lot of things.... told I was "too fat to fuck" and that I was "so ugly no man would ever want me"... been called a "dirty lesbian" and told I'm "going to hell".... which is all fine and well, because with the exception of only believing I won't go to hell - truth be told, I'm not sure *anyone* on this planet should be 100% sure they're NOT going..... everything else most of people say or write about me usually isn't true.

However  of all things I am or am not..... I have *always* come to *THIS* place, as I do all other places in my life, and been honest.  I have been brutally, BRU.TALL.Y. honest.

I have been no holds barred....
I have slit open the wrists of my own pain and bled words onto this keyboard... with total abandon.
I never set out to 'craft' any particular message or theme....
I never took the "ads" contracts- selling out the honest and bare emotion so many of you share...
I didn't turn all "Single Dad Laughing" on you.....

I sat down, night after night, and shared whatever was going on - the good, the bad and the truly ugly.
You asked for nothing more... and I asked for nothing in return.
NO.THING.  Nada. Zip. Zilch.

So..... this, amidst allllllll the other nasty emails I have gotten..... *this* one hurt me the most because after all this time - without taking *ANY* more TV shows or interviews.... to say that I have been coming here - writing all these words and thoughts and feelings and *sharing* the innermost part of my own life and very being - to reduce it to being about 'selling out my children' for money - and insinuate that I "make tons of money" and "live the high life" pretending I'm something I'm not......
Sigh.

It's a line too fucking far.
Just being honest.
So for a while.... I didn't want to blog, because I wasn't sure what to say.

So.  Let's get down to brass tax.... shall we?

Several of my friends thought someone would "save" my house for me....
Or that someone would come along and buy me and the kids a newer/nicer one:  that obviously didn't happen.
People thought that a bunch of rich people would see me and donate money to me:  *that* didn't happen.
I didn't/don't get paid to blog.
I NEVER made a single dime off the sign - the kids and I got three days in New York, that is all.
I NEVER sold a single interview or 'appearance'. 
EVERYTHING I DID, I DID FOR FREE.

I spent the *little* bit of savings I had in roughly 9 months of keeping my COBRA insurance coverage... just under $10,000..... just.... gone.  

The children and I survive well below what is considered the 'poverty line'.... and yes, I still manage to pull off a decent Christmas and outings and such.... and here's how:

I never pay more than $5 for a t-shirt for myself, so I get them on sale at Old Navy.
(OK, WHEN I was doing interviews, I DID buy some nicer clothes to be on TV... fyi).
I *only* buy my jeans at Walmart - they are $15.88 and I buy only one pair at a time.
My "treat" to myself is a new hoodie if we go somewhere fun - Disneyland, Great Wolf Lodge, etc.
Then I wear those hoodie's instead of coats:  because I don't own one.
I *do* have a pair of UGGS, a gift from my brother and his wife.
I *had* a BOB Revolution stroller, bought for me by a friend in trade for a years worth of photos.... and then instead of selling that BOB for $300, I gave it to my brother when he had a baby.... because I knew a luxury stroller like that wasn't in their budget either and it REALLY is worth it. lolol... 

I don't buy fancy face products, or shampoo.
I don't own a closet full of fancy work out clothes and $200 running shoes and hats, whatnot....
I have a pair of yoga pants with a whole in the crotch to sleep in.
Oh... and my bra's?  I buy the two for twenty stretchy kind (the ones you see on TV) from WalMart.

The kids..... well, THEY get as much "cool" and relevant clothing that I can afford to get them.  I watch sales like a hawk - anything superhero related - I'll buy it one size too big (at least) and put it away if I have to.  If Crazy 8's or Gymboree have a sale - I buy fancy shirts in sizes one or two or three sizes too big and put them away for The Boy - usually you can get $20 for $4.99 or less!!!! as long as you don't care that they aren't the "current style" by the time it fits them.....

I didn't *used* to buy them winter coats, but after The Boy spent the first few months of Kindergarten without a coat and the teacher sent home a note saying he needed one and I had to spend three days digging through Goodwill's to find a good one to fit him for $6.99.... I was SMART enough to watch for the end of season Costco sale that year and buy a winter cost for each kid:  they are BOTH still wearing them even this year.  I can probably get one more year out of The Girl's coat and this is the last year for The Boy's.. .it's too short in the arms. (Not bad for three years of wear out of two $19.99 coats).

I buy them the cute "fancy" superhero underwear - and mostly because I stumbled on a deal for $1.14 a pair of pants for The Boy and bought every single one they had! lol... 

Their pajama's....?  AT LEAST three sizes too big so they can wear them for years.... and they have.
Their shoes?  The VANS outlet - never paid more than $20 for a pair and always during the buy one get one half off sale... so that's TWO pairs for $30 or less. 

Cleaning supplies..... Dollar Store.
Deodorant... Dollar Store.
Hair brushes/clips/bands... Dollar Store.
Holiday Decor.... Dollar Store. (except Halloween)
Office Supplies... Dollar Store.
MY School supplies.... Dollar Store.
Shampoo.... Dollar Store.
Tooth brushes/paste.... Dollar Store.
Soap... Dollar Store.
MY Sox.... Dollar Store.
plates/cups for kids.... Dollar Store.
Toilet Paper.... Dollar Store.
My Sunglasses.... Dollar Store.

You see every month, I go into the Dollar Store with a $30 budget and buy everything we need for the month.  The only thing I *can't* buy there is my female hygiene products and saline solution for my contacts.

No one came along and "gave" me much of anything.... and I never expected them too.  

We "have" whatever we have.... because as a Mom I go *without* as much as I can - and I cut AS MANY corners as I can.  I've gotten REALLY GOOD at finding A.MAZ.ING deals at Ross and Goodwill - I know where and when to look.... and so YES, thankfully, if someone didn't know HOW much work goes into it all.... it might LOOK like we "live high on the hog".... which is fine.  I don't really want any of The Boy's friend's at school knowing that his Mom is one minor/major accident and one "pay check" away from being totally homeless..... that's probably a stigma he doesn't need. 

Though, I'd be foolish to assume I'm the only parent in his class in a similar economic situation.

The reality is.... *I* didn't make what I call.... 'good life choices'.
I didn't finish my four year.... I stopped after two so that El Capitan could go to college.
I didn't invest the money I made in ME or a potential "me future"... I put it into the house and the family because, like many women I put allll my financial "eggs" in my husbands basket... and we all know where that basket is now... lololol.

I did those things.  
ME.

So, I try my fucking *hardest* to get my kids to Disneyland as OFTEN as I can because it is very apparent to me that I *will* be working well into my 70s just to get by.... I don't have a retirement account or a 401K or a house to call my own..... and a few thousands dollars I can scrape together by selling things off and saving money to give my kids a trip to The House of The Mouse so that THEY don't have to miss out.... well, it's hardly the worst thing in the world.

But... life is different than it once was... .just the other night, I was putting The Boy to bed and he said, "Mom... I miss the blue house and our old life.... because we had more blankets back then that were bigger."
So.... he knows the difference, Disney trips aside... The Boy knows times are different for us all.

We're not poor..... we're not.
We have roof and food and friends and family and people who love us.... and you have NO IDEA how much The Bubbie and The Papa have helped us.... but our life *is* different now and to suggest that I 'use the kids' to make "all this money".... just pisses me off.

Really. 

I don't shop at Nordstroms.  I don't stop at my Macy's.  I don't own "designer" clothes or 'fancy' things.... I'm really too busy trying to figure out how to pay for books next semester (holy SHIT what a racket!!!! lolol) and keep myself in college and The Girl in preschool.... and *try*... TRY to figure out how to pay for skateboarding lessons for The Boy and dance lessons for The Girl because they ask allllll the time.... so now I have to figure out how to cut more corners to make it happens......

Tuna sandwiches everyday.... 
I cut out soda... which is HUGE for me.  No more Diet Coke.
Dinners that can be lunches and then breakfast if need be.
Cereal in the industrial sized bags from WinCo.....

Oh... DO NOT EVEN GET ME STARTED.... on how *fucking* depressing it is to read all these facebook posts about how "good Mom's" only feed their kids "in season" and "organic" fruits and veggie's, or how now you can't eat Mac & Cheese because it's made with 'wood pulp' and how everything HAS to be organic... on and on and on it goes.... and it always makes me feel like shit because there's no way on EARTH I can afford that.

The Girl LOVES apples... so I cut her one in the morning, cover it in pectin (which is what you use in canning so that your fruits don't go bad) - and that way the apples don't turn brown during the day and she'll keep eating them... otherwise, you know kids and brown apples... lololol.

THAT ... THAT is how I "afford" things.... 

And, before anyone sends me an email telling me that I wrote this to 'make people feel sorry' for me or whatever..... TRUST ME, I didn't.

I almost wanted to never write another post again - than to be this honest about my life - because who the fuck wants to admit this level of utter adult failure.....?
No one.

But.... while I failed at keeping my promise to blog daily.... I haven't failed at my promise to be honest.
THIS.... is what being a single Mom looks like when you don't make 'good life choices' in your younger years.
THIS is what divorce looks like for A LOT of men and women out there... not just me.
THIS is what getting by on *very* little looks like..... for thousands of people, not just me.

So now you know.

And one more thing..... I don't begrudge the "Scott Dysicks" of the world who HAVE money - they made different life choices.... so good for them.  Seriously.  Good for them..... I only hope they appreciate it.
Because, even if the total sum of everything I'm wearing is worth less than $30 (except my slip on Chucks with the whole in the sole... seriously) - well, that's ok because everything else in my life is worth so much more.
The Kids.
Hail Mary.
The second chance to go to college.
My friends who have stood by me relentlessly over the years.
My family....The Bubbie and The Papa.

When you add it all up.... may be "you" are right..... I *AM* living pretty well, at least by my own standards.