But, it seems like that has *always* been a theme for me every single year.... a 'holiday bucket list' of things I meant to do - fun crafts I thought we would make, cute places I thought we would go see together... and yet:  almost every single year, I would find myself packing up un-used crafts and thinking about places we *should* have gone, but we never found the time....

THIS YEAR.... this year was different dammit. 

This year we went just about everywhere that we could have.... Oaks Park Holiday train ride - which we'd never done before and it was awesome.... we made it to the Queen Anne House, PIR, Peacock Lane, Story Book Lane.... we had play dates with friends and went out for dinners and froyo.... oh yes:  *I* took the kids to froyo..... True Story.

Speedy Bob and Sparkly Belle moved around the house every single night and Hail Mary - who has yet *another* hidden talent of calligraphy - wrote "notes" from the elves on the bathroom mirror each morning,  We found time to watch the various holiday specials on TV and just tonight we finally sat down to watch the Lady Gaga and Muppets special (it's on Netflix) - which.... I have to say wasn't their best work... but - I sat there curled up with The Girl, and Hail Mary and The Boy.... and I thought, "Wow... I actually did it this year - all the things we wanted to do, all the places we wanted to go - they were all done.... bucket list of happy memories is full.....".

That's the first time I've ever been able to say that.  
First time ever.  I'm kind of proud of that.

This month The Boy also got his first 'report card'.... and I'm even more proud to say that he's doing well in school - performing at or above grade level, he's a good student who is a 'good citizen' and is conscientious.  He works and plays well with others (my own report card NEVER said that.... and frankly:  I think we all know it still wouldn't) - and he's a fantastic student.  

I'm so proud of that... so proud of him.  He's faced so much, been through soooo many changes - and while it has certainly changed him in many ways (and in ways that will continue to surface for years to come I'm sure) - none of it has "changed" him... he's still the same great kid he was in three' preschool.  He's still kind to others, showing empathy beyond his years, still "using his time wisely" and staying on task.  If there are any victories in this entire situation at all... it *has* to be that one:  The Boy.  

I know it could change... but for now, I'm pretty proud of the fact that we've been through a lot and he still believes in the magic of Christmas and Elves and in the value of putting other people first and has the strength of character to be who he is regardless of what other people think - but he's doing it all in a manner that makes kids want to be his friend - not as some kind of rebel with a chip on his shoulder.
Phew.......

Honestly..... there are days when it all just seems as hard as it ever was.... and, like most people, I can get sidetracked by what *hasn't* worked and lose all sight of the things that have.... which is a shame because I think that coming to the end of this year I have quite a bit to be proud of, not the least of which is the small fact that my children are still smiling..... 

Oh.... that and a few other things I will fill you in on this week..... :)

In the mean time.... I hope you had a wonderful holiday time.... truly.

For some reason Alice in Wonderland always seems to come back around a bit as a theme here for me... 

Entering into this time of year, I had started, just at the very back of my mind really - to wonder if *this* year was going to be different from last year at this time.... I mean, I had set the stage last Spring for things to heal and become whole and happy for everyone involved.....

and all I got was left out in the rain.

So, knowing that I've thrown the towel in on trying to make it all work..... which is really bullshit and unfair to my kids, to be honest.  I mean... you want to fuck a married man:  go right ahead.  Just *know* that a married man with KIDS should be a bit of a package deal and that fucking said married man *will* find you in the role of 'step-Mom' eventually.....  or at least it should on some small level.....

Which, you know it grates on me just a wee bit to not fully understand that truth and what goes on - only in the manner that it affects the children.  Just after I had my round-table with El Capitan and La Novia last Spring, El Capitan was saying that La Novia was mentioning that we should all get our schedules down so we could work out car-pools and babysitting.... etc.  It seemed as though if it were El Capitan's "weekend" that La Novia was willing to "watch" them (essentially) while he was at work for the afternoon/etc..... but that has *never* happened.  El Capitan only has the kids when he's got the day/weekend off.... which is a bit unfair to the kids and to me, to be frank.  If I wanted to something on this weekend or that night - it's tough titty said the kitty for me.... because I don't get to choose.  

Then again... when have I ever gotten to choose... right? lol

So on it goes, we don't see her... she doesn't see them (which must be serious effort on their part to keep these two lives separate as the children SLEEP in their home... but whatever) - and we all move on - a bit like one of those three legged dogs:  cute, but not entirely functional.

Sure enough..... Thanksgiving came and I had arranged to take the kids to El Capitan's place for a few hours during the day... and, for the  *record* as we went into Frozen (the movie), I said to Hail Mary, "You wait, he'll text during the movie to say when are we coming - then I'll text him when we get out - and he won't text back until it's time for us to be at my parents and he'll say that he 'worked all night and fell asleep'".

Sure enough, even though he *knew* we were taking the kids to Frozen on Thanksgiving - he texted during the movie, I texted after..... and he "fell asleep" and never saw the kids.
Gobble! Gobble!

So we're two for two for Thanksgiving now..... just sayin'.

He hasn't seen the kids in weeks... I don't remember how many, but I think we're rounding the corner to three..... may be four? You know - he's working..... he works retail... etc etc etc.  The last time we talked over text was a week and a half before Friday - and we had arranged for him to have the kids for a long weekend the weekend *before* Christmas....

and... drum roll:  he doesn't "need" to see the kids on Christmas.
I offered.  Actually, it IN OUR DIVORCE papers that El Capitan can spend Christmas morning with the children opening presents at their home - which is my home because the live with me full time.  But, I put in LEGAL WRITING, that he has the opportunity to come on over and spend Christmas morning with his children watching them open their presents.

At the time, though some might find this hard to believe, I wrote that for their benefit and his.  One of the very first things we 'talked about' when he first left, was that I felt 'punished' enough by the situation and I sure as shit wasn't going to get punished further by having my children taken away from me on holidays and their birthday.  Additionally - the "standard" every other holiday visitation that works for most would NEVER work for parents if one of them works retail, etc.  We have *never* known if/when El Capitan would have a holiday off - so trying to put into writing a schedule we both knew wasn't likely to work seemed like we would be setting ourselves up for failure.

So, our papers read that I get the kids the night *before* and the *day of* all major holidays. I wasn't about to tuck my crying, miserable self into bed in an empty house on Christmas Eve... no way in hell.  *I* didn't do this -and I wasn't about to pay the ultimate price for it.

Losing my husband was one thing.... losing those precious moments with my children was a non-negotiable item.  El Capitan either understood that... or just didn't give a shit even then.  Only time will tell.  

However, I added into the papers that he could attend their Birthday parties, celebrate *any* holiday with them on any other day of the week in addition to his regular visitation AND that he was *welcome* to spend Christmas morning with us.

It seemed a bit too cruel to me, to take away Christmas from El Capitan.  See the children run around the house looking for the Elf and finding the empty cookie plate and getting all excited.... just seeing their faces and the presents and the joy.... no matter he had done to me, I couldn't really see myself taking that away from him.  

So I didn't.
But... clearly:  he doesn't mind missing it.

So.  Now we have our second Christmas were he doesn't plan/want to see the children.... and we haven't texted/emailed/talked in over a week and then Friday happened.

The day started off mundane and busy - running around, school drop off, etc.... and I had a meeting for The Girl to be interviewed for a government preschool. Now.... I'll be honest:  this was a tough pill to swallow.

When The Boy was two and a half *I* was interviewing preschools and getting on wait lists and chatting to the other Moms about which school was better... religious?  Waldorf?  co-op?  I had so many choices, so many *options*..... however, I was able to pay for last year of preschool for The Girl, but I have not been able to squeeze out the money to pay for preschool thus far this year.  
Big. Ole. Heart. Breaking. Sigh.

Also.  We moved to a new city and I had my hands full with a thousand other things and since I don't know anyone here who *has* a child that age and is in preschool - it was hard to try to find one.  Someone told me about this preschool and that it's subsidized, which makes it fairly affordable. 

I sit at the tiny desk in a chair *barely* big enough for The Girl and I start to fill out the paperwork.... slowly, I realize that the dates I'm writing is my twelfth 'wedding anniversary' with El Capitan.  The time drags on... more paperwork... more tests.... The Girl failed her hearing test in both ears.... oh. good. fucking. times.
I see a doctor appointment in immediate future..... sigh.

Worrying in a different way in the child on the carpet playing next to The Girl who keeps dropping f'bombs.... "pass me the fucking block...."  and... "why won't this fucking block stand up.....".  The child's Mom is actually sitting *rightFREAKINthere*.... and does nothing.  The teacher is saying things like, "remember we only use our 'nice words'".... but the kids clearly couldn't give a shit what anyone says and The Girl - though no stranger to hearing her mother use the f'word - *knows* that this is wrong and keeps looking around the room with eyes that say.... "Really?  No one cares that this kid is saying fuck?".

And that.... *that* is when I start to lose it on the inside.  The direction *OUR* lives have taken.... the immense loss of everything starts to weigh on me and push me down.... more paper, more date writing, more signatures, more f'bombs..... I can feel the tears burning at the back of my eyes:  stinging and threatening to fall.  

But I keep it together.... until we get to the car and then I fold up and cry.
It was an ugly cry... and what makes it worse is that it was in front of The Girl.
Feck.

It's one thing for ME to change, for MY life to change... it's entirely another to have to change my child's life in a way that I *know* is not better for her..... it's a huge failure as a Mom.
HUGE.  and at that moment, it was more failure than I could bare.... bear?  fuck... on day  I gotta look that up.

I text Hail Mary... she texts back as supportive as she can be.  But I don't really expect her to do anything - she is my girlfriend and she loves us - but we are NOT her financial "responsibility" or burden.... it's unfair to put that kind of financial pressure on another person.  It's enough that she loves us - that she loves them and cares for their emotions... THAT is a huge fucking win.... the money stuff - that's not her "job", if you will. 

For me, in that moment, it wasn't about the "marriage" itself, the loss of the 'man' or the relationship that I was upset about it... it was teh loss of everything else.  

*I* put down $12,000 of MY money... not *our* money... MY MONEY - to buy our house.
and I lost it all.

*I* paid off $5,000 of school bills and another $6,000 of back taxes.... alllll El Capitan's bills.  Not MY bills, not *our* bills.... but bills he accrued before we even married.... 
and I lost all that too.

To go through your twenties and build a life and a home and a financial security - to INVEST emotionally and financially in someone and have it all taken away..... is fucking brutal.  So I sat with my giant ass wedged into the worlds tiniest chair and listened to the f'bombs and thought about how if I *hadn't* paid off those things for him.... I *might* have the money to send my daughter to a proper preschool.....

That's what hurts the most.... starting over.  Struggling is something you *expect* to do in your twenties... you relish your new-found independence form your parents and you sit proudly upon the torn and cat piss covered cushions of your Goodwill couch and you *treasure* ALL OF IT.... because you're proud.

Sitting on those same "cushions" at 38 is a shameful moment of failure..... believe me.

So, I was already on shaky ground when I heard from El Capitan... and later I posted this wee gem on my facebook page:

"Kids haven't seen him in over three weeks. He hasn't texted in over a week. It's retail... he's busy. Fine. BUT TODAY... today of allll the days in the month he texts and say's may be he'll call the kids today or over the weekend. then this happens:
Me: "Yeah.... this weekend be better, today is a rough day for me."
Him: "Oh sure lol...sorry - best wishes on your bday."
MOTHERFUCKER. ten years of marriage and you can't remember that our anniversary - that day of the year where you never once bought me an anniversary present and *I* would use the $100 my parents gave us for The Great Wolf Lodge.... you can't remember that our freakin' WEDDING ANNIVERSARY is in DECEMBER... today, in fact - while my BIRTHDAY is the SAME month as our daughters birthday - in March.
Sigh."

And then my day when to shit for a while..... I spent EVERY PENNY I HAD ... paying off our bills and *HIS* bills and buying a house.... and DOING ALL THE RIGHT FUCKING THINGS A GOOD WIFE IS SUPPOSED TO DO...... and I did it all for someone who can't remember when my birthday is?  

It's just a bit of a cruel joke.... to be totally honest.  A mean cruel joke.

After my posts lots of people had opinions.... several people think I should just "get over it" and be "glad" that I have a "new partner" who will "make up" for these things.....
that pissed me off.

PEOPLE.... do we not learn over and over and over in our lives that OTHER PEOPLE ARE NOT THERE TO MAKE US HAPPY?  Sure... being with Hail Mary *makes* me happy... but - it NOT her job to the emotional sponge that wipes up El Capitan's mess.  She's there to hold my hand and wipe my tears.... but - she's not supposed to be a band-aid for the pain that someone else caused/is causing.  
That's not fair to her.... not at all.

It's my fault.... I married him.  I blindly believed in him.  I had children with him.... and I wrote those checks- I paid those debts... because I believed it was the best thing for my family.... I sat down with La Novia because I thought i was the best thing for my family..... and I often find myself wondering where the hell I keep going wrong with it all.... 

And... for the most part, there's no 'easy' way out.... no one is going to show up on my porch with a $30,000 check to make up for the financial loses of having a cheating spouse.... no one.
And... to that end:  perhaps they shouldn't.

So the day was rough, I spent it with a swollen face from crying a broken tooth... because another one broke.  Yeah.... that's the kind of week I was having.  

I know that it's hard for some people to understand  that I can mourn and be bitter and hurt and angry about the loss of sooooo many other things that were apart of my life and my marriage and *not* actually be that way about the person I was with.  But... that's how it is.  The loss of my *life* is something I'm not entirely sure I'll ever be over.  

How do you get over that kind of loss......?  
Am I happy... you bet.  Am I loving the time with my kids.... of course I am.  Am I enjoying this new relationship with Hail Mary..... for fucking sure.  but nothing "new" ever takes the place or fills the void of losing something else.... at least I haven't figure out how to meld those two together just yet.

We ended the night with a visit to a bowling alley with the kids and Mia and Bella and their wives - and we had a fantastic time.  The Boy actually picked up a SPLIT!!!! Where you knock everything down but two pins on either side of the lane... but he knocked those down!!!! It was crazy awesome.

Then this guy showed up with a guitar and an amp and played music - which had The Girl dancing up a storm on the lane next to ours..... and - to be honest I had *no idea* - but it turned out that Hail Mary owned her own custom drilled bowling ball......?  Oh... and has a pair of glitter blue Adidas bowling shoes..... 

Yes... you read that right:  Adidas Bowling Shoes.
Hmm... on second thought..... having a girlfriend who channels her in "Jax"  (Sons of Anarchy) and wears her own Adidas Bowling Shoes is certainly hot enough to make up for a super shitty day.... well, that and The Boy jumping up and down with pride and The Girl 'slam dancing' around the alley.....

We may not have money honey..... but may be what we have is worth more.

Sorry.  I know I keep saying that I'll do better.... I WILL... I really really will.  I promise.
In the meantime..... this really pissed me off today.

Actually no, not just today. 
Sigh.

Yesterday, on a friends facebook feed, an entry caught my eye where someone's kid had asked the Mom what she wanted to do when she 'grew up'.  I, myself thought... good question:  because frankly I'm still not entirely sure. lol

This, however, instead sparked a whole feed of women espousing the many virtues of being a 'stay at home' Mom, how it's a "valued" job in and of itself - and one even said, "A stay at home Mom is the center of her home's universe."

Are you fucking with me?

Let me just go ahead - at the risk of pissing off A LOT of people.... and just say this:  STAY AT HOME MOMS HAVE IT FUCKING EASY.

oh.... did your day involve running around after your adorable toddler that spit up or shit on every surface of your home, including you?  waaaahhhh....
Did you have to control a wiggly child in a grocery cart while shopping from a list you forgot at home and now you can't remember what the hell you need to make dinner - *ensuring* that you'll be running back out to the store later most likely in the middle of what *should be* nap time......?  boo-hoo......
And... will you, during that *favorite* time of every Mom's day known as The ACID HOUR - be scrapping crusted cheerios off your coffee table while burning said dinner while you bed and plead for your child to be distracted by Elmo & Co long enough for you to finish folding the laundry before your adorable cherub face angel decides to roll around in it .... aFUCKINGgain.....?
BFD.

Center of the universe my ass..... I AM THE GODDAMN UNIVERSE.
If *I* don't clean.... it ain't gonna clean itself.
If *I* don't cook.... it's ain't gonna cook itself.
If *I* don't wash it..... it ain't gonna wash itself.

ME.  
I do all of that.... only - I ALSO try to run a small business and generally just try to keep myself from thinking about jumping off the nearest bridge.... no:  really.
Just being honest.......

Only - funny that.... I'm NOT A 'STAY AT HOME MOM'.

No one is there working full time to provide me health insurance.
No one is there bringing home a paycheck to pay my mortgage, buy my food and put gas in my car.
I am sans a gym membership because who the FUCK has time to go anyway......?  
I am bereft of Mom's Morning Out and playgroups and playdates and leisurely walks in the park.....

Because I'm ALL OF THOSE THINGS:  making my own paycheck, paying my own bills AND doing the cooking, cleaning and the laundry..... and *trying* so desperately to carve out some kind of time in the day to dance in the kitchen, make cookies, make silly faces at one another.... and still get the kids homework done.

and still.... I'm aware that *I* have it easier than other Mom's out there..... 
sigh.

So I was already feeling a little annoyed at the planet and the assumption that Stay At Home Mother's are the center of a home's "universe" blah blah blah... when this stupid blog showed up on my feed from several other friend's walls......

17 Things Boys Need From Their Moms

I read it.... and then I got really annoyed.
No offense to the author who is... unknown.  no name. no nothing.  just a faceless blog, but some of the "advice" really got under my skin.

I was on-board with the initial set of "things" your son needs.... to be showered with affection, to dance (in the yard, in the car, etc), to be told secrets....

Wait... you said what?

Secrets......?  "big or small it doesn't matter"......?  TELL YOUR CHILD SECRETS and all you're going to teach them is how to lie and keep secrets.... this seems like a wildly poor plan, if you ask me.  "Shh - don't tell your sister you got an extra cookie for doing good on your math test" is one thing.... but I don't really consider that a secret.....   But really?.... secrets.... that way when he breaks the neighbors window he'll be a master at shrugging his shoulders and nonchalantly lying.  Sounds like a perfect plan.  

THIS ONE... almost killed me:  "FOR YOU TO MARRY THE KIND OF MAN YOU WANT HIM TO BE"
What.
The.
FUCK.

In the first place, even as a "blogger" who has shite grammar and doesn't always string together her thoughts clearly - the paragraph makes no sense in that one is usually already MARRIED TO/IMPREGNATED BY said "man" who is now 'husband' and 'father'.... seems a bit late NOW to be making sure he's someone you want your son to "model" himself after.  Already I'm confused by the idea that *AFTER* you have your son you can suddenly now be making sure that his "father" is the kind of man you want him to grow up to be.

In the first place... no girl meets her "knight in shining armor" and say's to herself:  "Well.... I think he's going to become a total douche bag who cheats on me and stops seeing his kid...."  but GUESS WHAT???? 
Sometimes the end of the fairy tale ends just. like. that.
And there's isn't shit you're going to do about it.

And.... then what?
Throw in the towel and drown us all in the nearest bath tub?

oh... and yes, let's accept the fact that I will not ever "be" with a "man" again.... what do I now?  How will my son learn to "model" his behavior.....?  what kind of "husband" will he be for his future wife?  

Well... for one, he's not learned to take the fucking garbage out.
He's also learned to have more fun.... The Boy can be quite serious, which is in stark contrast to Hail Mary who finds the joy and the adventure in literally *anything* - she pulls him out of his shell and gets him to have faith in his abilities to try new things.... 
He's learned.... for the record, what it's like to have his mother's hand be held by someone other than him.
He's learned what it's like to see his Mom be loved..... 

Isn't that kind of important, too?

Moving on.... I'm ok with most of the others and already do most of them.... until we get down to "SEE HIS MOM RESPECT HIS FATHER".....
grrr.....

I respected my 'husband'... he didn't respect me.
Opps.... his bad.

For the mothertrucking *record*:  I have shown both La Novia and El Capitan and SHIT TON of respect neither of them is worthy of..... *however* -  it goes on to say "If you're not married to his father, show him the way to co-parent peacefully, with respect."  

Let's be clear - your kids need to see you respect their parent.... but they also need to see you respect yourself - and not be someone's doormat.  RESPECT means having boundaries - for yourself and for them and making sure everyone behaves within those boundaries.  When they don't.... you correct that.

The part that got me is.... "Show him the way a wife should treat her husband."
Sigh.

This is *about* as narrow minded as the whole "Stay At Home Moms Are the Center Of their Homes Universe" thing..... how about just modeling what being a good *partner* means.....?

I *DID* that whole "good wife" routine... and it got me a set of moving boxes, a pile of divorce papers and two kids who were now solely my legal responsibility.... NOT what I thought was behind the door labeled "true love/husband/partner/spouse"..... So now what the hell am I supposed to do?????

I can't help but feel like we've become a society that finds it's own personal validation on the boards of Pintrest or buried in the pithy words of some unknown, ?educated by whom? blogger - who dishes out parenting advice and we just lap it up.....  

We high five ourselves and pump our fist in the air, tie on an apron, make dinner and kiss our husband when they walk through the door and stand around - pleased with ourselves that we're 'getting it right' and life is.... perfect - and will TURN OUT PERFECT according to some errant stranger on the internet.

What about people who lose a spouse to cancer? or an accident?  What about parents who are on military duty?????  Are the children of alllll those people destined to not know how to "be husbands" and how to treat their wives......?
Sigh.

Good new for me.... while there isn't a "man" living this house, there is a *human* who participates in this family as a loving partner who takes out the trash, plays a sport (and sets a zillion examples in that alone), is reliable, doesn't lie or cheat, dances in the kitchen, loves the "Mom" of the house, and love the children back..... 

bitter much......?
kinda.

Wow.... three days in a row - can you guys *handle* the sheer excitement? lololol.......

I can't believe that Halloween was a month ago.... I feel like November never really happened.... a big ole' fat taste of what working full time for me is going to look like.... Hail Mary had to take the kids to THREE 'kid' functions and I ..... I missed out because I was at school. sigh.

No bueno. 

The good news was that the kids were going with Hail Mary... and that was fantastic.  I knew that they would have fun and she would make them behave as I would. Most importantly, I knew that she would *be* there and be interactive with them - not standing there, head down and phone in her hands..... 

I get quite a bit of email... even now, which surprises me.  I get email from women who were cheated on, husbands who were cheated on - women who think they might also be gay.... and I get asked a lot of questions and sometimes I get asked for advice.  Since coming out I get asked - either in person, or via email or social media - what's the "biggest difference" between being with men or women.

Well... of course, there is the *obvious* ... and, to be honest, if you're 'gay' and not 'bi-sexual', then you're probably going to have a distinct preference in the bedroom.... I certainly do. lol

Having said that.... being with a woman is different in many ways that are - wait for it..... - probably even *more* important than the sexual differences.  There is this tendency in the 'straight world' to associate being gay or lesbian with being sexual deviant - all whips and chains and going at it like rabbits all the time.....   I'll be honest - the 'all the time' thing might be somewhat close to home.... lololol.... but it's not 'deviant' by any means and.... it's the best time I've ever known physically.

EVEN.... having said that..... after ten years of a marriage that broke beyond repair and 37 years of living outside my own skin ..... circling myself over and over and denying myself.... you would *think* that it would all come down to the sex and it would be a slam dunk winner over anything else.... but it's not. 
Not at all.

When I was married to El Capitan and I would sit around and chat with my other married, straight friends, you would often hear someone joke "What did he do?????" if someone said their husband brought them flowers for no reason..... or, the general idea was always present that if your husband *did* bring you some nice little present or flowers or did something nice... that they were putting sex 'dollars' in the bank and eventually - you'd have to put out.  Now.... before ya'll go getting all bitter and uppity and shit.... let's just talk in Hollywood stereotypes... there's an idea that men do nice things for women so they can get laid.
Right or wrong.... it's a stereotype very much alive in many marriages.

For me *personally*, I would always feel pressure to put out if El Capitan did something nice for me... thankfully -that wasn't all that often, so I didn't feel pressured all that often. lol  Even still, I always resented that a bit - because I would do nice things for El Capitan ALL THE FUCKING TIME.... and I could barely expect that the trash might be taken out in "return".... I certainly wasn't looking for the kind of physical exertion that screwing requires... just the odd handy man job... ok - not even THAT much- most of the time I'd have just settled for the garbage going out.... and usually it just filled up to Homer-Simpson-Style proportions.
sigh.

But, buy me $6 carnations at Safeway and suddenly I'm supposed to bend myself into a pretzel and make your 13 year old fantasies come true......?
Yeah...that sounds about right.

Guys can jack-off (and usually do at least once a day... gag) - but they'd rather have sex..... toys and lubes and gym socks just aren't the same as having actual intercourse.  They NEED us to you know.... 'get the job done right'..... as they say.

So.... shhhhh.... come close.  I'm going to let you in on a little lesbian secret..... 
Being with a woman means that things are.... All. About. ME.
Period.

When Hail Mary brings me flowers.... she brings them home because she wanted to.
Last Thursday I got purple roses because she saw them at Safeway and, knowing that they are my favorite, picked them up.... just because.

Then Saturday when she was coming to my 'graduation' - she had the kids bring me another small bouquet at the end of my ceremony.....

Then Sunday I was tired and just emotionally spent and we had bickered back and forth out of frustration and both of us being totally spent and exhausted.... and she came home with the largest bouquet yet to say, "I love you and tomorrow is a new day."

And that was it..... it was all about me.  When Hail Mary does nice things for me - she's doing them... FOR ME.  There's nothing attached to it... she's not doing something with the even the smallest hint that I'll put out in return..... 

She does things for me because she wants me to feel loved and appreciated and beautiful... may be the rest of the straight world has relationship like that... but I sure as hell never did..... lol

She works 40 hours at her job, then comes home and cooks dinner and gets everyone ready for bed, then makes our bed and get up at 10:30pm to cook me dinner because I'm hungry and too tired to get up and do it myself.... and she fills my car with gas, scrapes the frost off my windshield, texts me in the morning to make sure we get up on time so The Boy isn't late for school...... she does The Boy's homework and nightly reading log with him.... colors pictures, takes the kids to The McDonalds playland and out for ice cream and to the grocery store..... 

She does all of that.... and doesn't complain.  Instead, she writes me notes on the bathroom mirror thanking me for "allowing" her to be apart of this family..... she doesn't expect me to put out or expect anything from me... she buys me flowers and leaves me love notes because she loves me and is proud of me..... Tired Me.  Bitchy Me.  Pissy Me.   Too tired to get up in the middle of the night with a kid who wants their butt wiped..... ME.  

She's not apologizing for anything or hoping to 'gain' anything... she's really just doing it for me.... just like I would do it for her... just like hundreds and millions of wives are out there doing for husbands who don't *see* the value of it.....don't *appreciate* it.

When I was first dating Hail Mary I remember sending her a text that said..... "It sounds crazy - and it's *seems* crazy to me... but is it possible that I'm falling in love with someone who will love me back the way I love them?"

But it's true..... she loves me the way I've seen dozens of women love their husbands who never really notice or understand the depths of that love or the effort that kind of love takes.... THAT'S the biggest difference... and being loved that like- being appreciated like that.... it's better than any sex ... ever.

and.... they *still* believe in the Elf on The Shelf.

The Boy has actually been talking about it for a few weeks - when will he show up?  where will he hide?  will he know we moved......?  I was trying to remember the first year we did the Elf on The Shelf, and I can't actually remember... I think it's been three years now?  may be four.... in any case, I'm not sure The Boy remembers a Christmas *before* Speedy Bob came.

In years past, they sold only one 'elf' - a 'white' one, a 'bown/black' one and the same one you could add a skirt to call it a "girl".... but it looked sooo much like the boy we already had, that I passed on getting a 'girl' elf for The Girl to hunt for.  THIS YEAr... however, they have re-done the faces of ALL the elves... they actually look totally different and now look like the movie version of themselves (which came out last year).  So, this year's "girl" actually looks like a different elf - so I got her.  Thankfully, a client had paid me with a Target card and I had been hoarding it for a special occasion - and a Girl Elf On The Shelf seemed like the perfect time to use it!  

With my Girl Elf tucked away in the closet, I waited and waited for Crazy 8's to have their PJ's go on sale.... neither of my kids is short or small.... so trying to keep The Boy in "fun" "kidstyle" PJ's is actually hard because most places stop making 'themed' pj's at around size 10 or 12 - AND.... because they are a 'fire hazard' - pj's always run really really small.... which is never very good for my kids.  Crazy 8's, however, have boy pj's that run up to a size 14!!!!!  Usually their pj's run around $20 a pair.... but I waited and waited and one night their pjs' were on sale for $10.00 AND I had a 20% off coupon with FREE SHIPPING!!!!!!

So the above Santa and Elf pj's were ordered..... it's so so so so great not to have to give up those little tiny "luxuries".... matching holiday pjs.... so freakin' cute.

The kids were so excited to get their new pjs' and it was almost like Christmas Eve itself with their excited anticipation of Speedy Bob coming back.... they had *the hardest time* going to bed and staying there... ugh.  But finally they were in bed and while they slept.... Speedy Bob showed up in the living room and decided to hang from the ceiling fan.... and hanging next to him with a pretty girl elf in a sparkly tutu.

The first thing the kids did when they woke up was run down the stairs and start looking for Speedy Bob.... and squeals of delight came from both of them when they realized ole' Speedy wasn't alone..... The Boy is convinced that this is Speedy Bob's wife... and The Girl named her:  Sparkly Belle Ballerina.
How adorable is that?

Then..... I had to have THE TALK with The Boy.

I had to explain to him that when he's at school he shouldn't talk about his elf because he will soon find out that not everyone he goes to school with will have an elf that comes to their house - AND - .... not everyone he is friends will believe in the magic of Santa or the Elf on The Shelf.

Dead. Silence. from The Boy.

I tried to deliver that news with kid-gloves... but at the same time, my heart broke just a little bit.  Having to tell your child, who still has that sparkle in his eye and that magic in his heart..... that world is a place full of hard hearts and assholes who will love *nothing more* than pissing their vinegar all over your joyful holiday..... and put out the fire of the magic..... sigh.
People suck. lol.

The Boy was *sure* I was wrong.... he couldn't understand how anyone wouldn't believe in Santa, but he understood that if other kids don't have an Elf that comes to their house, that they might have their feelings hurt to find out that he does.... so we agreed to keep his Elf a secret.

I told him...... "Some people believe in Santa and the Elf on The Shelf... and some people don't - but it doesn't matter what they believe - it only matters that *YOU* believe and that you don't let their doubts take away the magic that you believe you in...... "

"Mooommmmm......" The Boy rolled his eyes at me, exacerbated, "Why would I ever let ANYONE take away my magic.....?"

Well... yeah - duh. lol

As I sat on the toilet (pants up for those who need the visual) - trying not to cry (I do that a lot it seems) - I hope that The Boy's resolve is as strong as his words of wisdom are and as I send him out into the big bad world of second grade..... I hope he can keep his magic alive.

Holy crap.  I can't begin to tell you *just* how tired I am.....

At the start of November I started a Certified Nurses Assistant course.  The pay isn't great.... in fact - it blows.  Really. lol.  It's like $10 an hour.... BUT - it's a job job and it's in demand and I could literally work just about anywhere.... and as a single Mom, I need some kind of security.

However.... this meant my days looked like this:

7:30 - get up, get kids on toilets, teeth brushed, clothed and fed.
Start up the computer and drop a job into the Action Runner. (fancy software for photo finishing).
9:20 - come home from drop off and turn on the TV for The Girl.
Edit, proof and load up jobs..... including one preschool job which started out with over 18,000 shot images and was edited down to just over 7,000 hand finished images of 148 children.....plus several family jobs and a few senior sessions - and keep editing until 1:00.
1:00 - 3:15:  Study the book for class and do the homework.  Each day we did one chapter and tested each night.
3:30- pick up The Boy from school.
3:40 - 5:30:  finish homework and study for that nights test.

5:30 - dash out of the house leaving Hail Mary with the kids to make dinner and do homework and bathe and get them into bed..... oh yes:  more on that later. lol

6:00 - 10:00 - CNA class.  EVERY SINGLE NIGHT.

That was Mon - Friday.... then Saturday I had class from 9 - 2 pm...... then I had session to shoot on Sunday.... and so it went for two weeks.... then two weeks more while I had clinicals' at those same times instead of lectures and testing.
Sigh.

Tired doesn't even begin to cover it.  I wasn't getting to bed before 1 am most nights and I STILL have work that needs to be finished.  I'm *proud* to say that I didn't get less than an A on every single test and I passed my clinicals with flying colors and one of the head nurses at the location we worked at asked me if I was going to apply for a job there... because they'd love to have me.

It was so hard because it was the *first* time that I have been away from the kids like that.  I would do weddings, but that was only Saturday and Sundays and they would be with The Bubbie.  THIS time.... it was all me and Hail Mary and no one else (well, Bubbie on the weekends)- but.... okay... mostly it was just Hail Mary doing all the 'heavy lifting' here.

And it was HARD.
The Boy gave her a run for her a money.

The first week was especially rough..... lots of talking back and pushing boundaries and 'no - I don't have to/I don't want to' kind of stuff..... most kids are like that all the time to their parents - but my kid are *rarely* like that.... so this month they both kicked the naughty behavior into high gear.... and It. Was. ROUGH.

It was soooo hard to come home from working like 15 hours straight to hear *horror* stories of my beloved and wonderful son slamming doors and talking back and being just downright rude...... brutal.  Which caused problems for Hail Mary and I because I had to temper my desire to hold onto the idea that my angelic child would "never do" such a thing... with the fact that Hail Mary was probably also tired and may be (just a little bit) sensitive to things.....

You see, there are two issue's at hand here:

ONE: I don't want to be that parent who blindly refuses to accept that their child is making the wrong choices and acting up.... I don't want to brush that under the carpet and ignore it like a ugly wound because, like any wound:  that shit will fester and get worse.
And ... I can *assure* you that I couldn't handle it getting much worse.

TWO:  I don't want to be that MOM that brings someone into our lives and then doesn't look for signs that her children are unhappy and want out.... at the end of the day - there are FOUR of us in this relationship.  The children's opinion of Hail Mary matters as much - if not MORE - than my own.... they *have* to be happy and accepting of her in the roll of 'co-parent' or 'step-mom' - because they ARE accepting, not because they feel forced into things.

I grew up with friends who *hated* their step-parents.... they resented their Mom or Dad for marrying that person and they were miserable and couldn't wait to move out.... I DO NOT WANT that to happen.
Period.

Prior to that.... while I was working the weekends in October, Hail Mary had to take The Boy to a Halloween party... .did I already Blog this?  Sorry if I did....  Anyhow, Hail Mary had to take The Boy to a party and it's a new school and new parents.... so this was a new adventure for ALL of us. 

For one, I didn't know anyone there - so Hail Mary wasn't walking to a group of 'Mommy friends' who already know me and love me..... instead - she was walking into a new social situation full of straight parents as the gay 'co-parent' of her girlfriends kid..... 
Yikes... right?

And, of course, there's The Boy to consider.... what if his little friends figured out that Hail Mary was his 'step-Mom' and that his Mom was gay.... would he get made fun of?
Bigger, harrier, scarier yikes..... but a reality for sure.

Prior to this, we hadn't "identified" anyone.  The kids just called Hail Mary by her name and no other 'value' was placed on anything... I figured that I would let them identify her role in their lives however they saw fit and felt comfortable.  

I *did* of course call the Mom hosting the party and asked if it was 'ok' that my 'partner' - female name inserted here - brought our son..... she paused then quickly recovered and said, "Of course!"
Phew. 

The day of the party came and The Boy had a brand new Goodwill costume and he and Hail Mary arrived at the party right on time.  Hail Mary said the other boys came running and stole The Boy pretty fast and that he seemed to be settling into socially really well.
BooFUCKINGyah.... that makes this Mommy soooooo proud.

Making small talk among the parents, Hail Mary said she could feel a few of them looking at her a bit longer than normal.... the kind of curious look that say's...... 'is that a girl?  is that a boy?  is that person gay.....?'
Hail Mary is *very* used to that... so it didn't bother her at all.  Sure enough, it wasn't long before a few of the Moms walked over and made some awkward small talk before one of them just flat out asked if Hail Mary was 'The Boy's Mom's girlfriend.  
Yes..... she is.

That was then met with a flurry of.... "that's so great!" And then.... as conversations can sometimes turn when someone finds out that you are one of two girls in one relationship - came the questions.... "So - does {The Boy]'s Mom do the cooking......?"

Otherwise read:  "So she's the girl and you're the boy, right?"
lol.

Hail Mary was happy to joke around and answer whatever questions anyone had.... but in the midst of The Boy playing with his friends and Hail Mary finding total acceptance amongst the parents (how awesome is that, right?) -  The Boy is talking to Hail Mary and another boy walks up and asks him who Hail Mary is.

"Oh.... that's [Hail Mary] - she's kind of like my step-Mom".  Replied The Boy.
"Cool....." said the other boy.

And nothing else happened...... holy freaking shit.

The proverbial Gay Cat was out of the bag and no one cared..... not even The Boy's friends - so THAT is all well and good and awesome.... but really - what Hail Mary and I were excited about was the 'step-Mom' part.

SO. Cool.  That was on his terms.... in HIS time.... and were thrilled he said it.
We didn't bring it up to him later and we don't now introduce Hail Mary that way... but I felt like it was an honest glimpse into how The Boy view's Hail Mary on his terms.

So.... when only a few weeks later The Boy's behavior took such a nose dive... it was troubling.  We had issue's going on with El Capitan and me being away most of the time at school or studying... it was ROUGH.  
Really rough.

So I took The Boy on his own and we had a serious talk about his feelings and his behavior.  I told him that all four of us need to be happy and feel like we are in a good place - and if he isn't happy with Hail Mary or doesn't want to be in his relationship with her, then we'll leave.

Yes.... I said that. I'm sure I'll get lots of email from people telling me that that's wrong, but it's how I feel.  THEY still have to come first.... and Hail Mary knows that - and if she wants to be with me - then she has to accept that as well.

Thankfully The Boy wanted no such thing.... he loves Hail Mary and doesn't want to leave.
Phew.

But we had some rocky days and really rocky nights.... and poor Hail Mary was left to deal with every last tantrum and tear alllll on her own while I was at school.But she did it..... she took them on- she made up her own 'behavior charts' and made everyone stick to them.  She put stubborn kids to bed early when she had too, she took them out for ice-cream when they earned it.... and over the month, they found a bit of a rhythm and Hail Mary took The Boy on a 'date' of his own - to Red Robin and for a walk..... so they could 'bond' a little bit without The Girl jumping around and taking away attention.  I think that night was a bit of a breakthrough, honestly.... 

We still have some bumpy days and nights ahead..... but I'm not sure there is any other way to test the dedication of the person you are with when you're a  'single Mom' - than leaving your kids for a whopping 125 HOURS during one months..... it's like trial by fire.... lol.  

I'm glad we all came out the other side - alive, still happy, may be a little stronger and closer.... and me with my CNA certificate..... onward and upward... right?