I'll tell you:
She's still married.
Something I'm clearly not on both accounts. lololol
I am so tired tonight. I am 63,430 words and 161 pages into the book. I only have a few days left to finish it, then it's off to the Editors for a final edit and then to the printers.
Someone recently asked my *why* I was writing the book. Why would anyone want to read what I had to say, and .... that kind of had me stumped. I think they kind of have a point.
I have no idea how I got here, truly, I don't. But, it's a tremendous opportunity to a publisher call you and ask you to write a book. I don't care if the only people who buy are my friends - it's kind of one of those opportunities that you are a fool to pass up.
For those of you who have read the blog, I think the book is the prequel to everything. The book shows you *more* of who El Capitan was before Yoga Girl, before it all fell a part.
You should know the El Capitan that I know - the one I still love. He was worth knowing and through writing the book I think I'm starting to realize that in spite of what's happened he was worth loving... but note I just just *starting* to realize that.... I need some more time to mull that over, I can assure you. lolol
As an update to the weekend, El Capitan called today to set up his time to see the kids this week. I expressed how unhappy I was that he hung up me. He apologized, he said that deep down he knew that the only reason we called was to *just* wish him a Happy Thanksgiving. He said that he just was tired, overworked and jumping to conclusions and he flew off the handle over nothing.
Hooray. I love it when we have some kind of positive resolution.
We talked about how he needs to either get his own place, or get to a play in his relationships with Yoga Girl that the kids can be apart of it. This 'keeping them at arms length' is taking it's toll. We'll see what comes of that.
I reminded him that while *he and I* have conversations (away from the children) where I get to hate him with my words - hate what he's done, how he's done and who he's done it with - I'm *ALLOWED* to do that.
I'm also allowed to tell him about it. PERIOD. I EARNED that right when I married to him for 10 years. You don't get to piss all over my very existence, hand me a wet towel and walk away.
I'm still working through this whole mess - as a mother, as a wife - as a *woman*. and he *WILL* listen to what I have to say: he owes me that much.
THAT's the El Capitan I know.
HE agreed that I have to have the ability to tell him how much it hurts and that he understands.
I then went on to explain that what I say to *him*, or my friends - or on the blog - is MINE. I get to say - in those places, because I would *never* say it to the kids or around the kids.
I'm still allowed to VENT as an adult woman.
While protecting my children as their Mother.
He agreed, again.
Then he said that he *knows* I tell The Boy that it's 'okay' to still love their Dad, because he tells him that. The Boy TELLS HIM that I tell him it's ok to be mad, ok to be disappointed in someone and that it's ok to love someone who disappointing us.
I also talked to the counselor who did not find the weekends events all that alarming. She said what she's *always* said: children will fill in the blanks if you do not make things clear and do it for them. The Boy filled in the blanks based on past experiences. Done. Simple. That's how children are.
I can't change his experience. I can't always shield him from experiences I don't want to have - but that's a parenting issue that affects us all - not just parents going through a divorce or who are divorced.
I *can* however, be a little big happy that the tools I've been trying to give him are there- they are registering and .... they are helping. They are helping him love in spite of the situation, they are helping him be compassionate and understanding and .... patient.
The Boy will need to be patient with both of us while we figure out how to get more of this right and less of this wrong. Sad, but true.
So today was all writing and converstaions that were as healthy as El Capitan and I can muster right now - and I was feeling pretty freaking good about the day.
and then The Girl said, "Mommy, wemembwer when I bump my nose? Wemembwer when it was me and you and XXXXX and Daddy? Wember when we wived with Dadd?"
"I miss Daddy."
And it all comes crashing down. That's the FIRST TIME that The Girl has verbally acknowledged our separation. The first time she spoke about us not being together. For the record, she flew off the bed and nearly broke her nose in March, about three weeks before I found out about Yoga Girl.
Wow. I bet she remembers alot more than her nose. Damn.
so, one GIANT step backward in the parenting department, and two small baby steps forward in the co-parenting department..... and one broken hearted Mommy hea