I spent most of it mulling over not only the various places in my life/marriage where I went to horribly wrong, but then also with The Boy..... I was really gutted that he had all those thoughts - all his own. (See Friday's posts).
I tried to talk to him about it. I told him that I had heard what he said and I asked him why he said he Dad lied all the time. He said, "Because he does." Then I asked him for specifics - mostly I was waiting for him to say that either he heard me say that or another adult in his life. Instead, he started giving me examples of times he saw El Capitan lie to me in front of him.
Oh. double sh*te.
He was clear with me that he's disappointed in his Dad, that he feels 'traded in' and 'replaced'. Though, upon A LOT of thinking - the kids have been watching Toy Story 3 for the last few days leading up to this. That might seem like a stretch, but if you watch it, it's allllllll about how Woody and co. are being replaced and put away and not played with anymore. There is a STRONG these of moving on.... so I made sure our copy of that got stashed away behind some happier less serious movies.
El Capitan *finally* called back late Friday afternoon. Said he had been sleeping - all day on Thanksgiving. Said that he didn't get the voice mail until he thought it would be 'too late' to call back because by then we were probably busy with 'family and dinner' and stuff. He thanked me for having them call him - said it 'made his day', because he was otherwise alone.
Then I swallowed hard and went on to tell him what I had heard The Boy saying to my brother while I was in the bathroom..... and El Capitan exploded.
He screamed at me that this was my fault.
That I "fill" The Boy's head with this "sh*t" - that he's just repeating back what I say around him.
Not true. Really, I have a f*ck ton of stuff I say about Yoga Girl and El Capitan and The Boy has heard none of it. NONE of it.
Really... BY THE WAY - *if* I was actually filling my children's head with negative things about their father - then *why* would they still be so excited to see him? Why would they run to him with open arms and snuggles and happiness when he shows up to take them?
Why.... WHY would the children be so willing got trust him?
Because I assure them ALL THE MOTHER TRUCKING TIME that it's OK to do so!!!!!!!!
From the get-go I have BEGGED over and over and over, BEGGED El Capitan to *talk* to The Boy. EVERY SINGLE TIME The Boy tells me something about El Capitan or how he feels about El Capitna - i *always* tell him. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. This always get's turned around on me by El Capitan who tells me I'm either making things up to hurt his feelings (waaawaaaa goes the poor baby) - OR - that I'm filling The Boy's head with stuff.
DUDE. SAC THE F*CK UP AND TALK TO YOUR CHILD.
I'm *telling* you what our child is thinking so that RIGHT NOW you have the chance to help him understand what's happened from YOUR POINT OF VIEW so that *you* can help him through this.
El Capitan however.... NEVER EVER talks to our son. EVER. That's his choice. Not mine.
According to The Boy, who I nicely asked, "Have you shared how you feel with your Dad?" when I was talking to him on Thanksgiving - and he said, "No, every time I want to talk to Dad about it he say's we'll talk about it later."
So, El Capitan yelled and screamed because all I ever do is "say mean things" to him.
Yup... I *say* mean things to him.
Then I pointed out that I may indeed say mean things to him - like:
"You ruined my life and I will never be able to forgive you."
"You stole every ounce of happiness I had, wrapped a condom around it and f*cked her with it."
"You have broken me in placed I didn't know I could break."
"I hope you never find happiness and that every bad thing in the world that can happen - happens to you - and even then I'm not you'll ever fully understand how much pain you've caused me."
Because.... all he does *is* lie. He owns a CAR with her. He lies about that. He has an APARTMENT - of which is on the freaking lease agreement - and he lies about that. He wants me to believe - TO THIS DAY - that he and Yoga Girl "don't really talk" because "it's not like that" and that's why he doesn't want the children around her.
You know it's *impossible* to heal from something when you can NEVER get a freaking foothold - ANYWHERE. Because you have no truth to stand on - no ending point to the pain and lies from which one could start to accept things and move on.
And I don't freaking understand *why*.... i made this SO EASY for him to walk away. I fought for NOTHING. The very LEAST I could get in return is honesty. Right?
So yes... fed up with the lies and betrayal - yes, I *sometimes* say "mean" things (otherwise known as the truth for the most part) - BUT BUT BUT:
El Capitan DID a mean thing.... he DID a mean thing.
And for that.... he never apologizes.
So. El Capitan isn't talking to me right now. BFD.
The Boy... well, he brought up on Sunday that Dad didn't 'answer the phone when we called'.
So I said what I always say, "I know, and I understand that hurts your feelings. But he's still your Dad, and sometimes people in your life are going to make choices that hurt your feelings or make you mad - and it's ok for you to still love them, anyway."
To which The Boy say's, "Well, of course I still love him - he's my Dad. I just don't like his girlfriend."
So then I say, "I'm glad you still love your Dad, he loves you too and you don't have to like anyone, but you have to be willing to understand that things change and you might not always be mad at Dad or not like his girlfriend."
The Boy then say's, "I don't want to meet Daddy's girlfriend, because I don't think she would like me."
what? huh? oh wait.... a logical conclusion for a seven year old - Daddy doesn't want me to meet his girlfriend because she won't like me. Makes sense. How the HELL did I not see *that* coming?
So then *I* say, "That's crazy talk - Daddy's girlfriend would love you if she met you - just like everybody else who meets you - because you are you perfect and wonderful and silly and she will love all of those things."
The Boy thought about this for a second, then informed me he had to go pee. Converst
So there you have it.... a prime example of the sh*t I "fill" my kids head with.
Happy Thanksgiving to me.