So, I woke up this morning to a very candid, honest and passionate email from a regular reader - who advised me to take down the three posts regarding Thanksgiving.
I thought long and hard about what she said, certainly anything I put on this blog can and will likely be used against me in court should things get legally nasty between El Capitan and I later. I think the biggest fear *most* single parents have is going to court and how a judge will judge them/their actions and what affect that will have on their custody/parenting time.
At least it's my biggest fear.
However, the blog started with El Capitan's blessing (in witting) - neither of us asked for a national spotlight with our silly for sale sign, and once we - really *I* had it - he understood the need to be respectful of it. I'm sure he didn't the blog would become what it has (with well over 15,000 active readers per month) but, it *has*, and he doesn't expect me, nor has he asked me in any way, to take it down.
I suppose it could well be true that El Capitan has a lawyer who get's up everyday and cuts and pastes my words into a folder for use in court later. The very thought makes my stomach hurt - the lawyers and going to court part. But, if I'm doing bad things... what's the difference?
However, this blog started out as *honest*. Here I am - all 200 pounds of me, open, broken heart, bleeding and raw. I have never claimed to be anything else. I have also never claimed that I would always *get* it right in any situation with El Capitan.
I only made the promise to myself, the children and to him that I would *try* to get it right from the start.
I do not think I am unusual in that way - I believe most parents set out with the best of intentions for their children in their divorce. Some people are able to pull it off - and some.... are not.
However, it's important to keep in mind that these days are fresh and new for *both* El Capitan and myself. Our divorce is barely 6 months old - SIX MONTHS.
That's really f*cking fresh.
So, we're not going to get everything right. HE's going to fail and I'm *going* to fail..... or currently - am failing, depending on your perspective.
Of all the things El Capitan would say about me, I know that if he were here, he would tell you that I am honest. Honest to a fault - honest to a degree that I hold other people to that level of accountability in my life and it has always caused me problems within family and socially.
I am keenly aware that when most people tell you/me/anyone a story about their life of a situation, they will en-devour to tell you the parts that make them look the best and will often hide the things they do/say wrong in their situation.
Everyone wants to be the hero - the good guy: the one who did everything right.
No doubt, from El Capitan or Yoga Girls perspective, I am guilty of that here on the blog in their eyes. Again - I'm more than certain that Yoga Girl wants to see me as the ultimate villain and she is just merely protecting and taking care of the man she "saved" from me and my marriage that lacked intimacy and connection (those are her EXACT WORDS).
However, and perhaps this is totally misguided and I will regret these choices later because this *is* a blog online - people could be lying to me an manipulating me, etc..... BUT and this butt is bigger than mine:
I am not going to compromise my story, the events of my day - so that I can post shiny happy things on the blog that make me always look like a victim and make El Capitan the 'bad guy'. I'm not a f*cking saint and I never said I was.
There are no bad guys - there's a Mother and Father to two wonderful children. BOTH of them can and *will be* guilty of making bad choices and/or of doing the wrong thing - or doing something they thought was innocent and turned out wrong and bad and hurtful for everyone.
I *always* put that perhaps El Capitan has good intentions - and NO MATTER WHAT - I do feel as thought I honestly convey the possibility (and my desire for) El Capitan to knock it the f*ck off and return his decision making to the father I once knew and adored him to be.
That is a door I *refuse* to close - no matter how many friends and readers and people who have walked in my shoes *tell me * ALL THE TIME - that I should close that door. That it only serves to hurt me and the children more by leaving it open.
Fair enough. But I know my children, and they will *always* leave that door open in their little hearts - and IF/WHEN El Capitan actually does that it will be what's best for our children and *I* in spite of the anger and the pain of all the hurt and damage done to me AND the children by him - if the day/days come that that ceases to end and our family can pick up as two happy halves - then I HAVE TO BE OPEN TO THAT.
I won't be open if I closed my heart and the door to that possibility a long time ago.
And me..... not so little, potty mouthed me. I am not going to get everything right. I'd be a *fool* to think a judge would believe that. More to the point....... don't I owe it to the thousands of men and women - and grown *children* who have walked a childhood in my children's shoes - to be honest about what I do - the good and the bad?
I feel that I do. I honestly feel like I do.
This blog has always been me: the good, the bad, the ugly ...... but mostly raw.
I'm not curing cancer, I don't think I'm super smart, I clearly don't have my sh*t figured out - and obviously I wasn't the worlds best wife on some level, oh and I'm clearly not nailing being a good 'ex-wife' in some regards - and I don't want to mask that. I don't want to hide that.
Because, aside from the internet and a potential future court room - my actions here and now will affect my children whether I blog about them or not. Whether I shed light on my mistakes for the world to see and possibly for El Capitan to take advantage of - my children will already have suffered for whatever mistakes I do make - and they remain my primary concern. I hope that makes sense.
At the end of the day - I believe that El Capitan has no f*cking idea what he's doing either. Honestly. I don't think this was some master plan he conceived - I think he had his reasons for wanting out and he didn't address them with me. In spite of that fact that I was literally *begging* him to talk to me. He kept assuring me everything was "fine" and that I was "crazy".
He set out to contact Yoga Girl and for three weeks they texted like 12 year olds sending each other over 4,000 texts in that amount of time. He went to her apartment and had sex with her after lying and saying he was going out with friends. HE ORCHESTRATED my own personal demise and set us all in motion down a road that would lead me me to emotional pain I never known.
I'm not even sure he wanted our marriage to end.
Three weeks - *THREE WEEKS* into his romance with her - he moved out of my house and into her apartment.
There's not a lot of time for him to consider what being a single Dad will look like. It's not a lot of time for him to think about how he'll handle things..... and to some degree, small or otherwise, I think that that's a reason he hasn't .
So, I'm not going to take down the posts. I'm not going to act to anyone that I get it right all the time. If i make a mistake, my children have already paid the price. However, in posting those mistakes, many of you will email or comment me with advice and tell me how to better handle a similar situation down the road.
That advice is invaluable to me - and without it, I would not feel as confident when dealing with certain situations down the road. I can read all the books I like, but having people's first world experience to draw fro and learn from is a truly a gift in itself.
IT really is.
I *did not* see the events on Thanksgiving the way Shirley did - but her point of view helped me see where as my children's Mother - I could have handled and done things differently. It helped me see the role I played in hurting The Boy. THAT is important. I can't make better choices - I can't 'protect their innocence' as the books say to - if I never see where I'm going wrong. If I don't see where improvement with how *I* handle things is needed.
So, that's that. The posts stay. Of the many mistakes in my life that I will have to own on my death bed and to my children - being honest about my f*ck ups will not be one of them.
I hope that makes sense..... oh, and I haven't slept much. Final phase of writing the book - and I have to say I'm slighlty excited becuase the few people who have read teh first half seemed to really like it. It won't be perfect, it's certainly not as well writen as most books.... but it's mine and it's the best I c
I thought long and hard about what she said, certainly anything I put on this blog can and will likely be used against me in court should things get legally nasty between El Capitan and I later. I think the biggest fear *most* single parents have is going to court and how a judge will judge them/their actions and what affect that will have on their custody/parenting time.
At least it's my biggest fear.
However, the blog started with El Capitan's blessing (in witting) - neither of us asked for a national spotlight with our silly for sale sign, and once we - really *I* had it - he understood the need to be respectful of it. I'm sure he didn't the blog would become what it has (with well over 15,000 active readers per month) but, it *has*, and he doesn't expect me, nor has he asked me in any way, to take it down.
I suppose it could well be true that El Capitan has a lawyer who get's up everyday and cuts and pastes my words into a folder for use in court later. The very thought makes my stomach hurt - the lawyers and going to court part. But, if I'm doing bad things... what's the difference?
However, this blog started out as *honest*. Here I am - all 200 pounds of me, open, broken heart, bleeding and raw. I have never claimed to be anything else. I have also never claimed that I would always *get* it right in any situation with El Capitan.
I only made the promise to myself, the children and to him that I would *try* to get it right from the start.
I do not think I am unusual in that way - I believe most parents set out with the best of intentions for their children in their divorce. Some people are able to pull it off - and some.... are not.
However, it's important to keep in mind that these days are fresh and new for *both* El Capitan and myself. Our divorce is barely 6 months old - SIX MONTHS.
That's really f*cking fresh.
So, we're not going to get everything right. HE's going to fail and I'm *going* to fail..... or currently - am failing, depending on your perspective.
Of all the things El Capitan would say about me, I know that if he were here, he would tell you that I am honest. Honest to a fault - honest to a degree that I hold other people to that level of accountability in my life and it has always caused me problems within family and socially.
I am keenly aware that when most people tell you/me/anyone a story about their life of a situation, they will en-devour to tell you the parts that make them look the best and will often hide the things they do/say wrong in their situation.
Everyone wants to be the hero - the good guy: the one who did everything right.
No doubt, from El Capitan or Yoga Girls perspective, I am guilty of that here on the blog in their eyes. Again - I'm more than certain that Yoga Girl wants to see me as the ultimate villain and she is just merely protecting and taking care of the man she "saved" from me and my marriage that lacked intimacy and connection (those are her EXACT WORDS).
However, and perhaps this is totally misguided and I will regret these choices later because this *is* a blog online - people could be lying to me an manipulating me, etc..... BUT and this butt is bigger than mine:
I am not going to compromise my story, the events of my day - so that I can post shiny happy things on the blog that make me always look like a victim and make El Capitan the 'bad guy'. I'm not a f*cking saint and I never said I was.
There are no bad guys - there's a Mother and Father to two wonderful children. BOTH of them can and *will be* guilty of making bad choices and/or of doing the wrong thing - or doing something they thought was innocent and turned out wrong and bad and hurtful for everyone.
I *always* put that perhaps El Capitan has good intentions - and NO MATTER WHAT - I do feel as thought I honestly convey the possibility (and my desire for) El Capitan to knock it the f*ck off and return his decision making to the father I once knew and adored him to be.
That is a door I *refuse* to close - no matter how many friends and readers and people who have walked in my shoes *tell me * ALL THE TIME - that I should close that door. That it only serves to hurt me and the children more by leaving it open.
Fair enough. But I know my children, and they will *always* leave that door open in their little hearts - and IF/WHEN El Capitan actually does that it will be what's best for our children and *I* in spite of the anger and the pain of all the hurt and damage done to me AND the children by him - if the day/days come that that ceases to end and our family can pick up as two happy halves - then I HAVE TO BE OPEN TO THAT.
I won't be open if I closed my heart and the door to that possibility a long time ago.
And me..... not so little, potty mouthed me. I am not going to get everything right. I'd be a *fool* to think a judge would believe that. More to the point....... don't I owe it to the thousands of men and women - and grown *children* who have walked a childhood in my children's shoes - to be honest about what I do - the good and the bad?
I feel that I do. I honestly feel like I do.
This blog has always been me: the good, the bad, the ugly ...... but mostly raw.
I'm not curing cancer, I don't think I'm super smart, I clearly don't have my sh*t figured out - and obviously I wasn't the worlds best wife on some level, oh and I'm clearly not nailing being a good 'ex-wife' in some regards - and I don't want to mask that. I don't want to hide that.
Because, aside from the internet and a potential future court room - my actions here and now will affect my children whether I blog about them or not. Whether I shed light on my mistakes for the world to see and possibly for El Capitan to take advantage of - my children will already have suffered for whatever mistakes I do make - and they remain my primary concern. I hope that makes sense.
At the end of the day - I believe that El Capitan has no f*cking idea what he's doing either. Honestly. I don't think this was some master plan he conceived - I think he had his reasons for wanting out and he didn't address them with me. In spite of that fact that I was literally *begging* him to talk to me. He kept assuring me everything was "fine" and that I was "crazy".
He set out to contact Yoga Girl and for three weeks they texted like 12 year olds sending each other over 4,000 texts in that amount of time. He went to her apartment and had sex with her after lying and saying he was going out with friends. HE ORCHESTRATED my own personal demise and set us all in motion down a road that would lead me me to emotional pain I never known.
I'm not even sure he wanted our marriage to end.
Three weeks - *THREE WEEKS* into his romance with her - he moved out of my house and into her apartment.
There's not a lot of time for him to consider what being a single Dad will look like. It's not a lot of time for him to think about how he'll handle things..... and to some degree, small or otherwise, I think that that's a reason he hasn't .
So, I'm not going to take down the posts. I'm not going to act to anyone that I get it right all the time. If i make a mistake, my children have already paid the price. However, in posting those mistakes, many of you will email or comment me with advice and tell me how to better handle a similar situation down the road.
That advice is invaluable to me - and without it, I would not feel as confident when dealing with certain situations down the road. I can read all the books I like, but having people's first world experience to draw fro and learn from is a truly a gift in itself.
IT really is.
I *did not* see the events on Thanksgiving the way Shirley did - but her point of view helped me see where as my children's Mother - I could have handled and done things differently. It helped me see the role I played in hurting The Boy. THAT is important. I can't make better choices - I can't 'protect their innocence' as the books say to - if I never see where I'm going wrong. If I don't see where improvement with how *I* handle things is needed.
So, that's that. The posts stay. Of the many mistakes in my life that I will have to own on my death bed and to my children - being honest about my f*ck ups will not be one of them.
I hope that makes sense..... oh, and I haven't slept much. Final phase of writing the book - and I have to say I'm slighlty excited becuase the few people who have read teh first half seemed to really like it. It won't be perfect, it's certainly not as well writen as most books.... but it's mine and it's the best I c
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