greatfamilyhome.com
Search for a Post
  • The House & Sign
    • Magnets!!!!
  • The Scorned & Bitter Blog
    • Disneyland!
  • The Book!
  • Say Hi to Elle!

Warts and All......

11/27/2012

5 Comments

 
So, I woke up this morning to a very candid, honest and passionate email from a regular reader - who advised me to take down the three posts regarding Thanksgiving.

I thought long and hard about what she said, certainly anything I put on this blog can and will likely be used against me in court should things get legally nasty between El Capitan and I later.  I think the biggest fear *most* single parents have is going to court and how a judge will judge them/their actions and what affect that will have on their custody/parenting time.

At least it's my biggest fear.

However, the blog started with El Capitan's blessing (in witting) - neither of us asked for a national spotlight with our silly for sale sign, and once we - really *I* had it - he understood the need to be respectful of it.  I'm sure he didn't the blog would become what it has (with well over 15,000 active readers per month) but, it *has*, and he doesn't expect me, nor has he asked me in any way, to take it down.

I suppose it could well be true that El Capitan has a lawyer who get's up everyday and cuts and pastes my words into a folder for use in court later. The very thought makes my stomach hurt - the lawyers and going to court part.  But, if I'm doing bad things... what's the difference? 

However, this blog started out as *honest*.  Here I am - all 200 pounds of me, open, broken heart, bleeding and raw.  I have never claimed to be anything else.  I have also never claimed that I would always *get* it right in any situation with El Capitan.

I only made the promise to myself, the children and to him that I would *try* to get it right from the start.

I do not think I am unusual in that way - I believe most parents set out with the best of intentions for their children in their divorce.  Some people are able to pull it off - and some.... are not.

However, it's important to keep in mind that these days are fresh and new for *both* El Capitan and myself. Our divorce is barely 6 months old - SIX MONTHS. 

That's really f*cking fresh.

So, we're not going to get everything right.  HE's going to fail and I'm *going* to fail..... or currently - am failing, depending on your perspective.

Of all the things El Capitan would say about me, I know that if he were here, he would tell you that I am honest.  Honest to a fault - honest to a degree that I hold other people to that level of accountability in my life and it has always caused me problems within family and socially. 

I am keenly aware that when most people tell you/me/anyone a story about their life of a situation, they will en-devour to tell you the parts that make them look the best and will often hide the things they do/say wrong in their situation.

Everyone wants to be the hero - the good guy:  the one who did everything right.

No doubt, from El Capitan or Yoga Girls perspective, I am guilty of that here on the blog in their eyes.  Again - I'm more than certain that Yoga Girl wants to see me as the ultimate villain and she is just merely protecting and taking care of the man she "saved" from me and my marriage that lacked intimacy and connection (those are her EXACT WORDS).

However, and perhaps this is totally misguided and I will regret these choices later because this *is* a blog online - people could be lying to me an manipulating me, etc..... BUT  and this butt is bigger than mine:

I am not going to compromise my story, the events of my day - so that I can post shiny happy things on the blog that make me always look like a victim and make El Capitan the 'bad guy'.   I'm not a f*cking saint and I never said I was. 

There are no bad guys - there's a Mother and Father to two wonderful children.  BOTH of them can and *will be* guilty of making bad choices and/or of doing the wrong thing - or doing something they thought was innocent and turned out wrong and bad and hurtful for everyone.

I *always* put that perhaps El Capitan has good intentions - and NO MATTER WHAT - I do feel as thought I honestly convey the possibility (and my desire for) El Capitan to knock it the f*ck off and return his decision making to the father I once knew and adored him to be.

That is a door I *refuse* to close - no matter how many friends and readers and people who have walked in my shoes *tell me * ALL THE TIME - that I should close that door.  That it only serves to hurt me and the children more by leaving it open.

Fair enough.  But I know my children, and they will *always* leave that door open in their little hearts - and IF/WHEN El Capitan actually does that it will be what's best for our children and *I* in spite of the anger and the pain of all the hurt and damage done to me AND the children by him - if the day/days come that that ceases to end and our family can pick up as two happy halves - then I HAVE TO BE OPEN TO THAT.

I won't be open if I closed my heart and the door to that possibility a long time ago.

And me..... not so little, potty mouthed me.  I am not going to get everything right.  I'd be a *fool* to think a judge would believe that.  More to the point....... don't I owe it to the thousands of men and women - and grown *children* who have walked a childhood in my children's shoes - to be honest about what I do - the good and the bad? 

I feel that I do.  I honestly feel like I do.

This blog has always been me:  the good, the bad, the ugly ...... but mostly raw. 

I'm not curing cancer, I don't think I'm super smart, I clearly don't have my sh*t figured out - and obviously I wasn't the worlds best wife on some level, oh and I'm clearly not nailing being a good 'ex-wife' in some regards - and I don't want to mask that.  I don't want to hide that.

Because, aside from the internet and a potential future court room - my actions here and now will affect my children whether I blog about them or not.  Whether I shed light on my mistakes for the world to see and possibly for El Capitan to take advantage of - my children will already have suffered for whatever mistakes I do make - and they remain my primary concern.  I hope that makes sense.

At the end of the day - I believe that El Capitan has no f*cking idea what he's doing either.  Honestly.  I don't think this was some master plan he conceived - I think he had his reasons for wanting out and he didn't address them with me. In spite of that fact that I was literally *begging* him to talk to me.  He kept assuring me everything was "fine" and that I was "crazy".

He set out to contact Yoga Girl and for three weeks they texted like 12 year olds sending each other over 4,000 texts in that amount of time.  He went to her apartment and had sex with her after lying and saying he was going out with friends.  HE ORCHESTRATED my own personal demise and set us all in motion down a road that would lead me me to emotional pain I never known.

I'm not even sure he wanted our marriage to end.

Three weeks - *THREE WEEKS* into his romance with her - he moved out of my house and into her apartment. 

There's not a lot of time for him to consider what being a single Dad will look like.  It's not a lot of time for him to think about how he'll handle things..... and to some degree, small or otherwise, I think that that's a reason he hasn't .

So, I'm not going to take down the posts.  I'm not going to act to anyone that I get it right all the time.  If i make a mistake, my children have already paid the price.  However, in posting those mistakes, many of you will email or comment me with advice and tell me how to better handle a similar situation down the road.

That advice is invaluable to me - and without it, I would not feel as confident when dealing with certain situations down the road. I can read all the books I like, but having people's first world experience to draw fro and learn from is a truly a gift in itself.

IT really is.

I *did not* see the events on Thanksgiving the way Shirley did - but her point of view helped me see where as my children's Mother - I could have handled and done things differently.  It helped me see the role I played in hurting The Boy.  THAT is important.  I can't make better choices - I can't 'protect their innocence' as the books say to - if I never see where I'm going wrong.  If I don't see where improvement with how *I* handle things is needed.

So, that's that.  The posts stay.  Of the many mistakes in my life that I will have to own on my death bed and to my children - being honest about my f*ck ups will not be one of them. 

I hope that makes sense..... oh, and I haven't slept much.  Final phase of writing the book - and I have to say I'm slighlty excited becuase the few people who have read teh first half seemed to really like it.  It won't be perfect, it's certainly not as well writen as most books.... but it's mine and it's the best I c
5 Comments
Alex
11/26/2012 11:02:39 pm

Elle-

Oy gevault. Ok, you have some points. You do get good advice when reviewing events and how to handle them in the future. I don't think you "owe" anyone anything that could give you litigious headaches though.

It's not about what you're doing wrong with your kids. I think you're doing quite well, and I think it's good that you are trying to foster the relationship between your kids and their father even though he's slacking off. Without you, they'd probably get jack shit which would be more traumatic in my opinion.

I still don't think you're taking the right perspective on your "failings" here. His cheating on you had a lot less to do with how good a wife you are than you think. You could have been super woman, but his issues and failings are his and because he didn't share them, there was nothing you could do to help him deal, if that's even what he "needed" to not cheat, which again, comes full circle that it wasn't about needs being not met.

Another thing on perspective, you say you're clearly not being a "good ex-wife". I'm sorry, but wtf does that mean? Wtf is a "good ex-wife"? How can you possibly be "failing" him now? Forget his definition, he hasn't noticed what happens to other cheating men that hasn't happened to him (being attacked with golf clubs, having fire set to his car, finding his daughter's rabbit in a pot etc.,), so he's being a whiney little twerp for not being grateful he doesn't have it that bad. He got off really well, many men would envy his position right now.

What is *your* definition of a "good ex-wife" and how do you think you're not accomplishing it? I really want to know, type it out as your next post, re-read it and see if you would lay such expectations on any other woman in your situation.








Reply
Mercy
11/27/2012 04:30:36 am

Don't change a thing I love your honesty! Heck I had a problem with the F*** words but now I just skip them :D (although I confess I use them when I am extremely Pissed Off!) nobody can change you, what you write about or how you feel on a particular day. Besides this is YOUR blog not El Capitan so if he wants his point to be known he could start his own blog and say so.

Reply
Kim
11/27/2012 06:37:40 am

Elle - you are awesome. Even if you can't see it right now, you will get through this and be better for it. It seems like you think this is just a phase, that he will come around and come back - but really, do you want a lying cheater? Gross. The reality is that you were together for 3 weeks and then were married for 10 years, and now he's with her after 3 weeks, and likely will be for a while, especially if they have you as the common enemy to commiserate over. He probably seems more attractive to her because she knows that someone else wants him. Like you said, it's still new, but over time, the future you didn't have with him won't seem so appealing because your new life will be so awesome. So Awesome. Just breathe and wait. It will happen. Then likely she won't want him either because no one else will, but you won't take him back because he's a lying cheater and you are Awesome. Listen to someone older and wiser -- it will happen. Your life will be magical and your kids will be wonderful and turn out fine. Breathe. All this yuckiness will pass and when the dust settles, it will be great. We are all rooting for you. ;)

Reply
Taun-Taun
11/27/2012 08:01:23 am

As a woman who was asked by family to take down certain posts and REFUSED, KUDOS to you!

Seriously, any judge who can hold your feelings against you is a MORON. YOU were the one cheated on. YOU are the one left with the kids and their messes.

This isn't rocket science. It's real f*ing life. When I started worrying about people *using* stuff against me, I gave them the power over me. Once I realized that the stuff I blog about is NOT MY FAULT, then I was free to blog the raw, the ugly and *THE TRUTH*.

It's worth it when someone sends you a message and tells you Thank YOU! When you realize sharing your ugly truth helps someone to admit their truth and heal from whatever it is that they need to heal from...it humbles you...makes you continue to blog.

Keep speaking truth. I know you are helping others in your situation AND helping those of us blessed with "AMAZING" husbands to not screw up!

Reply
Romana
11/27/2012 09:36:07 am

I am so sick of the "books" by the so called "experts" telling us how to be the "perfect" single parent, the perfect and good ex-wife. How do they think single parents got in this situation to begin with? No marriage is perfect, but when they get a divorce, NOW they're suppose to be perfect? I've heard so many single parents say, " Oh, I've never said anything bad about my ex in front of the kids." "Oh, I never say anything bad about him/her." Really? On this blog I have learned a lot about what it's like to get a divorce when there are kids involved, and I have to say I really can't judge. I don't think it's the worse thing in the world if children hear something sometimes by accident or in a moment of weakness/anger. What do the experts think the children heard the parents say about eachother and to eachother when they were STILL married? We are all human, and unless you are in the exact same situation, you really can't know how you will act or feel, or what will come out of your mouth. We can only try to point out or recommend advice lovingly and patiently or not at all and just be there for them.

Reply

Your comment will be posted after it is approved.


Leave a Reply.

    Buy The Book!
    ON AMAZON!

    Picture
    also available on Kindle!!!!!

    Elle Zober

    Mother, "scorned wife", photographer, designer,  potential blog writer and recent guest on The View.... life's been pretty crazy as of late - crazybeautiful that is!
    You can see some of Elle's photography at:
    http://www.zoberimages.com/
    Picture

    Archives

    April 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    April 2014
    March 2014
    February 2014
    December 2013
    November 2013
    October 2013
    September 2013
    August 2013
    July 2013
    June 2013
    May 2013
    April 2013
    March 2013
    February 2013
    January 2013
    December 2012
    November 2012
    October 2012
    September 2012
    August 2012
    July 2012

    Categories

    All
    Being A Gay Mom
    Bullies & Internet Trolls
    Cheating Husband
    Cheating Spouses
    Coming Out After 30
    Co Parenting
    Co-Parenting
    Divorce
    Gay
    Healing
    Heartbroken
    Lesbian
    Lesbian Mom
    Lost Love
    Motherhood
    Moving On
    Scorned & Bitter
    Single Parenting
    The Other Woman
    True Love

    SITE DISCLAIMER/
    POINTS OF FACT:
    El Capitan not only KNEW about and approved the signs, he helped pay for them.  :)
    The children have NOT seen the signs and will NOT see the signs.  PERIOD.
    This SITE and the SIGN were made to SELL OUR HOME.... what else this *might* be turning into is unclear, but the original intent was bereft of revenge or malice and was truly to sell our home.
    We ARE DIVORCED and for the very reason the sign suggests.

    RSS Feed

    91,395 Readers
    and counting...

Scorned, slighty bitter but still, grateful and very happy... life is good.
PS.... you *WILL find errors in grammar, spelling and otherwise... I am just a Mom - now a 'single Mom' who
writes The Blog from a place of honesty \and usually in the dark at 1:00am.... so please be understanding. cheers. :)