I've blogged about Twilight before.... about how years and years and years ago I made fun of Jenny-Jen-Jen when she was reading the books and I pointed out that they were written for high school girls.

Then I *saw* Twilight.... and, like most women... I was done.

The last three movies I've seen at the midnight showing - though, I never read the books.  I just wanted to see the movies - to see it come to life and play out before me with the Edward and Bella we all know and love.

Written for high school kids or not, it's written in a way that it takes you right back to that kind of younger love you have when you still believe in love and magic and .... forever.  That kind of intense love that overwhelms you, consumes you and leaves in it's wake two bewildered people who can do little more than look at each other.

No matter *how* our story ended.... El Capitan and I *had* that kind of love.  That kind of paralyzing, crazy, instant, all-consuming love.

I've driven home from the last three movies - each night, saying to myself how grateful I was to have my "Edward".  How lucky I was to have found such a love and for that love to stand the test of time and life and hard times and bumpy roads.... and *still* be standing ten years and two beautiful children later. 

*How lucky*.

I had long planned to attend the Marathon for the final movie, and with the Bubbie's help, I was able to go today.  I've been looking forward to today for months, though....I have to admit, since El Capitan left me, traded in his older, fatter 'Bella' for a newer, younger, more limber version..... I've steered clear of romance movies in general.  It's too hard to watch...... but, I was determined to keep this day for myself and go anyway.

The theater was already fairly full with the best middle theater/front row seating gone.  I poked around... the bottom half was still empty - and I sat in a middle seat at the back row and it was fine... but I was alone.  I pondered that - the being alone part.  I thought that if I sat there, alone, I might get overwhelmed by it all and I might not make it through the day.

I went back up to the upper section and looked around for a seat, then the group of ladies sitting in the prime, middle seats where you can put your feet up - offered me one of their empty chairs sandwiched between the two groups.  I was so grateful - because I'll be honest, I'm not the kind of person who likes it when some stranger takes up the seat next to mine in the a theater... in fact, it's a pet peeve.  So, for these ladies who had waited in line for hours and made sure to get good seats- for them to share their "spread out and relax" seat with a stranger was... incredibly kind.

I was no longer alone.  Now I was surrounded by excitement and anticipation and .... joy.  Who the hell isn't literally *overjoyed* at the idea of seeing Edward and Jacob and Emmett?

So there I sat, hour after hour... line by line, taking in every scene and every turn of the story.  Twilight was just as amazing as the first hundred or so times I've seen it.... where your heart swells and you can feel your own chest rising in anticipation when Edward leans in for that first kiss... as though you're right there with them, between them, apart of them.

However.... I forgot how much *pain* Bella is in when Edward 'leaves her' in New Moon.  I had forgotten about the emptiness in her eyes and the darkness that takes over..... that was hard.  Not yet out of my own darkest hours.... I'll be honest and say that it hit a little close to home. 

Why.... it rang in my ears like a alarm bells... why, why why..... why leave?  why now?  and then the same chest that has risen with her in anticipation of that first amazing kiss... was now tightening with pain as she begged Edward not to go, not to leave her......

Of course, I'm not Bella... I'm not crazy, dammit. lol... but, it wasn't *that* long ago that I was literally begging El Capitan not to leave, not to do *this* to our children and destroy our world... begging him not to do this to me.

It's an insanely cruel joke to spend ten years of your life loving someone, helping them achieve their goals, sacrificing your own for the betterment of your family and your 'other half'.  Only to discover that the partner you thought you had in this life made the sole and unilateral decision to take it all away....

At least Edward had a reason:  he was trying to protect her.

Over and over and over ... the theme of forever and protector are woven into the story.  Rooted heavily in the faith of Latter Day Saints (incidentally, I'm not Mormon/Latter Day Saints, however, being someone who likes to know about things, I did a good bit of research on the faith the correct term *is* Latter Day Saints and in some circles calling all of them "Mormon" is offensive... anyhooooo) which is the faith of the author Stephanie Meyers, is the concept of being betrothed to someone for all eternity and that protection of your wife/family ranks pretty high for the men.

Must be nice......

As I watched the story unfold.... I realized that that might be somewhere that my marriage was lacking all along... 'protection'.  It's hard to explain but.... I *never* felt protected by El Capitan.  I'm not saying he would have harmed me... but, I never felt like he was there to protect me from anything.

When we were first married we lived in an upstairs apartment that faced the play structure... below us and one apartment over was a smallish man who was a computer engineer.  One night, I woke up to incredibly loud banging, rhythmic slamming and crashing and shattering sounds - coming from the apartment below.  I sat up, listening to the noise, which was rattling the windows and making my knick-knacks jump on the shelves.

When it didn't stop, I tried to wake up El Capitan.  It took me a while... too long, really.  Telling him over and over that something was wrong in the apartment downstairs and someone was hurt or being hurt.... he kept shooing me away, telling me not to be 'melodramatic' and go back to bed.

Then there was a thud that shook our entire apartment and nearly rolled El Capitan's sleepy ass out of bed.... he sat up and told me to call 911.  Which I did.

He didn't get up and run outside.  He didn't wrap his arms around me and tell me it would be alright.  He looked out windows and watched for the police - leaving me, holding the phone and sitting on the couch .... alone.

Very quickly the police came with an entire squad - we watched them approach through and around the play structure with bullet proof vests on and guns drawn.... El Capitan said a few of them were the 'automatic' machine gun type.  It seemed extreme..... and we ran to the front window to listen in as they tried to talk to the man through his closed door.

Soon, a knock came at our door and a Sergeant told us to get into our bathtub.  They said they weren't sure what was wrong...but the man was mentally ill, he had weapons and was dangerous - and there wasn't time for us to leave, so we should stand in our bathtub and wait for them to come knock again.  Our entire building was surrounded by officers in helmets and vests with guns drawn... which was a fairly unusual site for our sleepy suburb.

We stood therein the tub with the curtain drawn, which seems odd now - what the hell was a thin piece of plastic curtain going to do to protect us.... we stood there and I waited, in that moment, for El Capitan to put his arms around me, for him to reassure me that it would be ok... that *we* would be ok.   But he didn't.... he just kind of stood next to me.

At the time, I wondered about this... what did it mean?  Was I reading too much into this?  I mean - this was a pretty insane situation.... should I be *expecting* him to do anything?  (Oh, and these are my much younger, thinner days, I might add.....)

There was A LOT more banging and crashing and breaking things and muffled talking and then officers yelling ... then they busted down the door and we could hear them yelling at him to get on the ground, etc.

We left the bathroom once we were sure the man was handcuffed and a short time later an officer came up and gave us the "all clear".

It was hard to sleep.... and even then, after all that.... he didn't reach over to hold me, to comfort me.

The next day Victor the maintenance man and the husband of the apartment manager came over.  He apologized and told us that the man was schizophrenic, that he had covered the windows and walls in tin foil and thought aliens were after him.  He said that sound we heard was the man throwing these giant disc brakes that go on trucks and cars into the actual walls - and he'd pulled the heater out of the wall in every room, pulled the toilet off it's screws and and broken everything thing he'd owned.

He said there was at least $15,000 in damage to the unit.  He also told us that the man's friends from his Church were coming to collect the shards of his belongings and some clothes and that the police had taken the man in on criminal damage charges and he would be getting a mental evaluation, and that he would not be moving back.

He offered us a new apartment within the complex OR, the option to get out of our lease free from charge or penalty.  We took neither, the man was moving out and wouldn't be back, and we didn't see the need to leave.

Over the years, I would look back on that night as one of the *many* times I would have to take care of myself.... instead of feeling like I had a husband who was taking care of me.  Protecting me.  I can honestly say that I don't think I ever thought one time in my marriage that El Capitan would 'take a bullet' for me... know what I mean?  I kind of always felt like I was .... on my own.

Does it really matter though?  I mean... how many times does someone's husband actually *have* to take a bullet for them? lol... Surely, that's not a fair judge of a relationship..... right?  Assigning Hollywood-esque values to a real-life marriage and expecting your husband to live up to them is unfair and dramatic and unreasonable.  Right? 

In the end though..... I stood alone as I always had... while havoc was wreaked all around me.... ALONE.  More troubling though, was the havoc was done by the man who promised to love me... my Edward.  He clearly didn't see the need to protect me *or* the children from his actions.... from the pain he would cause all of us.

I suppose since he never thought he needed to protect me from the world ... he wouldn't think to protect me from himself.  And, in that inaction - that *lack* of protection for me, for my heart and our love and our marriage... and ultimately, our family.... we were left open, wounded and forever scarred.

It makes me see a bit clearer that El Capitan was no Edward..... he never was, and he was never going to be my protector.  Oh, because you would think after that one time when I woke your sleepy ass up and there *was* a man going *insane* in the apartment below that any other time I mention weird noises in the night or an explosion next door, that that might warrant El Capitan getting off his duff and checking things out.....?

Nope.  Including the time 8 years later when our neighbors garage had an explosion and caught fire... it took me 20 minutes to get him to go outside and check out the burning smell..... dumb ass.

The rest of the movies rolled by and I was grateful that my broken heart let go of my own mind and I was able to just enjoy the story and get lost in the day..... it was a FANTASTIC DAY.  I have to say.... it literally goes down in my world as one of my top three days EVER: Birth of the Boy, Birth of The Girl, and Twilight Marathon.

It's the longest I've been alone with my own thoughts or by myself at all since the day El Capitan left in April.  It was ..... amazing.  I loved every single second, every chord of music, every single frame... every everything.

In the end.... I didn't leave sad or in tears, like I thought I might.  I left feeling fantastic.... riding the high of the clapping and laughing and gasps of the crowded theater.  I left feeling warm and fuzzy as the ending was everything I have hoped for years it would be.....

And, while to my surprise I didn't feel bittersweet about my own ending.... I did learn that I *want* to be protected.  I learned that I *want* someone to hold me, keep me safe, to wrap their hands over mine and walk *with* me.  That if someone isn't going to protect me from the world - they also aren't going to protect my heart or our love... and I won't settle for that again.  I'd rather be alone and rely on myself, knowing my own strengths and weakness' than to have my fate rest in the careless hands of someone else. 

I learned a very important Life Lesson:  Next time around... I'm going to have to marry a Vampire, a Werewolf, or a Latter Day Saint.....  because a Nintendo-loving atheist clearly isn't strong enough to protect us both.

(OH... and you MUST MUST MUST go see Breaking Dawn II.... it's BRILLIANT). :)

Tonight I was going to post a picture I found of a Santa "card" and it said....."Santa's Say's, No Gifts For You.  Whore."

It made me giggle.... and I figured everyone would know who I was thinking of.  lolol.

Than later this evening I saw this photo >>>>>>>>>>
and I thought I would share it instead.

At first blush I noticed how pretty the girl is... THEN I read the sign.  Obviously the language on the sign had my attention right away and I read, then re-read each line to take it all in.

Then I looked back again to notice to myself just how pretty that girl is......

MANY times over the last few months I have thought about how rather silly it is that *my* sign went viral so fast..... that it would actually get picked up local news, then national news and become this rather huge ordeal.....

It was just a sign -a funny sign about a catastrophic event - but nothing more than that.  Yet, it seemed to have captivated people..... as I've said before TONS of people have posted funny sh*t on facebook and Whoopi Goldberg didn't call them to be on The View... so why me?

I think, in regards to my sign.... far too many people relate to it.  I think people were drawn in by the humor of the sign, even if one might think that humor was misplaced or even inappropriate.  Funny is still funny and Lisa Lampanelli makes a killing doing funny things that are not at all appropriate.  I just wanted to make a sign to sell my house.... and it did.  It also brought with it a trip to New York, a trip to LA and a blog with a consistent monthly following in the THOUSANDS..... which - is humbling.  Very.  Humbling.

So, when I saw *this* sign, after I noticed her beauty and read it's message.... I was sad to notice the date: 2011.

Somehow I doubt this girl was invited on talk shows or that her sign got a million shares.... and shouldn't it?  My sign is funny and what happened to me is sad.... however - being cheated on isn't even in the same TIME ZONE as being raped.  I would take being cheated on any day of the week..... I'm fairly certain, between this girl and I - my scars are far easier to heal than hers.

Then I really stopped to look at the girl - and I noticed her sweet dimple.  She has a lovely, open smile - even while holding the sign that tells the world than a man entered her life and her body in a way that would scar her for the rest of her life.....

I looked again for the chip on her shoulder against all men.... or even all of mankind for that matter.  But I don't see one.  I see a girl, appropriately dressed for warm weather, with a warm smile to match - holding a sign that should make the stomach of everyone who reads it hurt.... yet, she still smiles.

I read the sign again... and this time I noticed how much she and I *do* have in common.

First of all... .plenty of people don't want to read my sign either because they can't face their own guilty past and my sign, my story, my broken heart - it all hits far too close to home for them to handle... so they lash out at me with insults or rudeness - as though calling me names empowers them which suggests to me that my sign de-powers them.... a guilty conscience has a way of doing that.  (BTW - de-power is not a word, I just made it up. lolololl)

Second, I noticed that she "deserved" it.... how *many* times did I hear *that* one!?!?  I deserved my husband leaving me because I'm a _____________insert your insulting reason here__________, and she "deserved" to be raped and left in a parking garage for ____________insert lame reason here_________.   I guess as far as things one  "deserves" in life - I should be grateful to have gotten off so lucky.  I don't say that flippantly - I say that in all seriousness. 

Thirdly, I noticed how both she and I are "trash".  I'm the kind of "trash" who DIDN'T take care of myself and therefor I *deserved* to have my husband leave me because no man would want to f*ck someone the "size of shamu".... This girl however, SHE is "trash" because she *did* take care of herself, and dared to wear "short shorts" that showed off her 'non-shamu-sized' body. 

This country seems to be, from my humble perspective, confused on it's global definition of what "trash" is.

Isn't that interesting.... or am I the only one taking a moment to ponder this.  For MONTHS now, I have read and sifted through comments and emails and voice-mails of people (mostly men) who are *sure* that El Capitan is justified in what he's done.... that I deserved this because I "smoke too much" and I need to "lay off the red meat and 40s".... as though my outer shell speaks for the inner me who doted on my family, loved my husband and worked her figurative ass off to make ends meet.

This beautiful girl.... finds herself on the same end of the blame stick though.... for the opposite reason: she *did* take care of herself, she had a nice body, dared to wear shorts to prove it, she had "too much to drink" at a party and for *those* "sins".... a man raped her.

I'm not at all being melodramatic, but the connection between the two signs is rather fascinating to me....  we live in a world where some can say - "too many donuts and your husband has a right to leave you, destroy your world, strip you of your life's dreams and security....." and at the same time - someone else finds it OK to punish, even harass, embarrass and shame someone who was violated because they *had* a nice body and "flirted" too much?

Damned if you do and damned if you don't.

Where is the accountabiltiy anymore?  El Capitan it's "responsible" because I'm "trash".... this girls rapist isn't a 'rapist' becuase she's "trash" and had it coming to her.....?  That's incredibly troubl

I sat and thought about the sign, the girl.... I looked around at who else is there - and it makes me sad to know that *this* sign, because it might make people uncomfortable - won't get shared as much on social media.  It won't get the attention it deserves.... *this* girl won't get the recognition she deserves for putting a face to a heinous crime and not being afraid to stand up and tell the world that she won't be ashamed.

Mostly though I thought about her spirit and her warm smile that come through in the picture and how inspiring that is,,,, how empowering it must have been for her to be there, on that day - holding her sign.  I'm grateful we live in a country where she can make her sign, hold it in public and not be stoned to death in the streets... or worse.

I shared her picture on my FB page and saw a few others share it, too.  While her story is horrific one, you can see her courage, her beauty and her strength - and I just find that truly amazing.

Today was a long day..... it's not that I think that *my* problems are the only problems in the world, but I do wonder about people who can't see past their own personal, self-induced drama to realize that sometimes you gotta let sh*t go.... especially if it's just sh*t you're holding on to.

I did some filming over the weekend for a TV show that *should* air in the Spring.... I say *should* because if they don't like what you say - or they don't think they can cut and slice it into a format that works within the whole show they want to create - then you'll just end up on the cutting room floor.  I don't take that personally - if the world on the other side of the TV could see just how *hard* these teams of producers and sounds engineers and photographers worked, you'd understand that they have to look at every single angle and they take their jobs seriously.... if they cut something then it's probably for the best. 

The interviewer spent an hour or so asking me questions - the usual... some more 'in-depth' ones.... but one question she asked kind of stuck with me - she said:

"What do you think about the 'El Capitan' that Yoga Girl has now?"

I thought about what I wanted to say..... I think it's hard.  Because.... people like me - normal, everyday, Mama June types - not the Kardashian/Hills/Housewives types - we don't *have* media training.  We don't have managers and PR people sitting in the wings coaching us through our "diaries" and interviews - making sure that we keep our images and our 'stories' in tact......

Personally, I don't have a story.  I've never been one to lie .... at least not more than the usual social 'white lies' - "Yes, your hair looks great", "No, so and so didn't call you a b*tch behind your back"... "No, your kid isn't a little a&&hole that bites, hits and kicks the other kids when you're looking...." blah blah blah.

The thing is, generally speaking, I'm not smart enough to lie.  I'm not smart enough to tell five people three different stories and then try to answer for them or justify them later.  When you lie you have to keep track of *who* knows what version of what story you told and ... more importantly - you have to remember *what* it was you wanted them to get from that story:  you were a villain?  you were a hero?  someone else was the bad guy?   whatever..... that sh*t is too complicated for me.  I'm not smart enough to keep track of who I've told which version of a story too.... the truth is easier to keep track of and usually gets you in less trouble.

In my situation, it's important that I do my best to maintain a level of truth and honesty that I will have to answer for with my children..... that's pretty important to me. 

So when she asked me the question I took a second to answer because .... which 'truth' do I tell?  Because there's the truth I'm ok with the world knowing.... and then there's my 'inner truth' - the kind of deep, dark, painful stuff that keeps me up at night and has made me *really good* at what I call "inner crying".

Inner crying is where I'm somewhere.... at a playdate, at a session, at lunch or dinner with a friend - and something happens that brings tears to my eyes.... but I'm tired of crying public - being "that friend" - so I swallow them.... I let them build inside and then I let the air out in waves - like silent sobs and swallow the tears down.

So *that* truth - the truth that hurts the most.... I don't share that with anyone.

I sat for a moment, looking at the rim around the lens that was staring back at me and thought about how to be honest.... and not catty or b*tchy or say something that would hurt the kids or make them upset in 20 years time - and yet still be honest to what I'm going through and honest to how I feel, so I watch the lens twitch slightly left and slightly right keeping it's focus on my face and I said:

"You know how you can go to a really nice restaurant - the very best in town.  You can have the nicest meal, prepared by the best chef in the world.... and it can be awesome - the best meal you've ever had.  But, when the meal is over - they tuck away your food in a box and hand you a doggie bag.

That's *what* Yoga Girl has now..... MY doggie bag.  My left overs.... and now matter how *good* he might have once been .... now - *he* is a doggie bag."

I think that that's been part of my struggle for the last few months.... hoping for things to get better... and then things would just get worse.  and worse.... and then the very worst.

Until today.... two rays of sunshine possibly peeking through the clouds that seem to surround me as of late.  First came in the form of a phone call from El Capitan.  For a while now, I've stopped calling him.  I decided that it wasn't healthy to call and set up visitation, etc.  In the end, we'd end up arguing, etc... and as many have pointed out - it's not my job to keep his relationship going with the kids..... so he called today about wanting to see the kids this week which lead into a conversation about Thanksgiving.

Based on the fact that Sears, WalMart, KMart and Target are all opening at 8 or 9 PM on Thursday (Thanksgiving) I had already assumed that the kids wouldn't see El Capitan at all.  Leading up to Thanksgiving in retail *really* is the run up to Black Friday - which means long, long, impossible hours to set up displays and get ready for the sales.  Last year El Capitan worked over 80 hours in four days.  Sounds *almost* impossible... but totally true.

So Thanksgiving came up and he admitted that it will be almost impossible to see the kids - either leading up to or right after Thanksgiving..... I suggested a lunch or dinner at his place and he said no, he said he wants to keep "distance" between the kids and Yoga Girl.

He say's it for my benefit, because he doesn't think I could handle it.... I won't say he's totally wrong on that account, though.... even still, I do think that that might be best for the children.  The Boy knows he's been kept at arms length from his fathers life and it really bothers him.....   I think it's more that El Capitan doesn't want those worlds to collide because that would make his carefree life with Yoga Girl messy.... the kind of messy that two kids bring to any event. lol

I suggested for Thanksgiving that he take the children out for breakfast this next week - just for a few short hours so that they can enjoy the holiday with him.  He thought it was a good idea. 

Since the conversation was going well, I thought I would bring up Christmas.

I have been dreading this ..... for years, I have been the one of my siblings to have children.  The deal was that Christmas would always be at my house until one of them had a kid and then after that we would trade off who held Christmas at their house.

This year my brother went and had a kid.  Silly brother...... I suppose that's what brothers are good for - having notoriously bad timing.  lol..... It's bad timing because this is my fist year divorced and I wrote the parenting plan to say that I get the children on Christmas Eve and Christmas - *but* that El Capitan would be welcome (without drama or issue) to come in the morning and open presents from Santa as a family as that has been our tradition since The Boy was born.

The Boy and The Girl still *very* much believe in Santa Claus and .... most importantly, The Elf on The Shelf.  The Boy LOVES The Elf on The Shelf.  I explained to El Capitan that while the children still believe in the magic of Christmas, that they should celebrate the holiday in the home where they live - so The Elf and Santa know where to find them.

I know that one day.... I will wake up on Christmas alone..... well, actually, on *that* day I think I'll wake up on a bed of Winchell's Donuts and People magazine - my two staples to get me through the hard times..... lolol  but still alone and sans my children and their excited squeals and running feet and bed-hair.....  But, I'm not ready for that - and neither are the children. 

Let's not kid ourselves.... El Capitan won't be alone... he'll be on a bed of Yoga Girl - so ... yeah, not worried about him, if I'm being honest.

However... silly brother had a cute baby and... they live out of state.  He played the "I have a new kid and get to host Christmas card" which left me trying to figure out what to do.

I explained this to El Capitan.  That *we* made the agreement with my siblings about hosting Christmas while we were still married and the fact that we're not doesn't change the rules of the game we've all been playing by.... and how - it's unfair for the children to miss out on Christmas with their family just to have a few hours with him on Christmas day. 

And then.... the *real* El Capitan spoke... I haven't heard him for a very long time, so it caught me briefly by surprise... but there he was and he said:

"That makes sense, I think it's important for the kids to have as much of their own "normal" Christmas as they can.  Not being with you and their entire family would be a bad idea just so they could have a few hours with me....a few hours of my being tired and exhausted from working late the day before, etc..... Go out of state, take them with you and I'll celebrate Christmas with them  before you leave."

I offered for the Elf to leave them a note one day - instead of finding him on the shelf, they would find a note leading them on a hunt to find the Elf that could lead them to El Captain's place where he could have a tree and presents for them.... but again, he stressed that he doesn't want those "world's to collide" - so.... then I suggest placing the Elf in his office at work - and they could open presents there then spend that day together... he agreed.

I just ...... no matter what - I want the kids to hold onto the magic for as long as they can... which means that the Elf needs to go to El Capitan's too so that the magic isn't ruined for them.

On the one hand.... I realize that this gives El Capitan the freedom to celebrate his holiday away from the kids - living life on his own with Yoga Girl.... which is annoying.  However..... it *is* what's best for the kids and regardless of whatever upside there might be for him in making that deal... he could have put his foot down.  He could have said that I can't leave, can't spend the holiday with family and the kids and their cousins.... and I'm proud of him that he didn't do that.

Yes.... I said it.  I'm proud of him.... *that* is the El Capitan I once knew.... the person who put the kids ahead of anything and everything... and yes, I realize that he'll get to wake up to a roll in bed with his 22 year old honey and that's a nice little perk for him..... *but* - regardless of what's behind the decision - it's still a good one. 

I still might not go.... weather complications might prevent all of us from going... *but* - I can either choose to see the negative here - assume the worst and base my emotions on that... OR - I can choose to see the better and be grateful.

Seeing as how Thanksgiving is around the corner... I'm going with better and grateful.  I thought I should share.... oh... and *then* a wonderful, lovely friend introduced me to a company that .... for all intensive purposes seems waaaay too good to be true - work from home, flexible hours,  benefits AND a 401K..... it really looks to be everything I was hoping to find in a job..... so I'm putting together a resume and hoping/praying for the very best!!!! 

So my day was looking up.... my heart was feeling a little lighter and my hopes were being restored... and then The Boy projectile vomited all over me, the best, the floor, his sister... and well.... sh*t just got all kinds of real around here.... lololol.

Even still, with The Boy stinking of puke and a shocked Girl sitting up with chunks of food in her hair.... they are *still* my brightest says of sunshine - they are still my hope...... and no matter what, I'm more grateful for them than they will ever know......

I would love to report that my pity train has pulled out of the station.... sadly the only thing that has pulled around here is ... well... I'm sure you can figure that out. lol

I was in Target today...... I love Target.  Not as much as I love WalMart, mind you .... (I can hear Internet trolls snickering everywhere.....) - but I love Target.  For years there wasn't a WalMart within 30 miles of my house, so i would usually go to Target.

I have a bit of a shopping issue - especially at Holiday time.  I'm always guilty of buying too much holiday decor - table cloths and knick-knacks and plates and things that light up and things that sing.

Especially things that sing - dogs and cats and snowmen and penguins that sing or rap a holiday themed song when you push the button on their paw.  The Boy LOVES those - always has.  A few years ago I figured out that I could take a small screwdriver - like one you use for eye glasses - and a pocket full of double AA and triple AAA batteries and test out all the donated singing and dancing guys at The Goodwill.  For a few bucks I could pick up a slightly stained version of the same toy sold at Target for ten times the price.

The Boy was heaven - dozens of guys I paid under $4 for ... he'd line them up and push all their buttons at once watching them rock and dance and sing until the last once stopped.  Then he'd start again.

I'm sure it's the same for most families, but the holidays have always been a special time for me and The Boy.  We'd walk the aisles of every major store looking at the latest trinkets and pushing all the buttons on the singing guys.... no doubt, the cashiers loved us.  lol

While Halloween is really about The Boy - Thanksgiving and Christmas was really about me. 

So today I was walking about Target looking for something and I turned a corner around the end of the food aisle and found myself smack in the center of Christmas.  The first end cap I was standing in front of was for Santa Hats - and they have a sequin pink Santa hat that I bought for The Girl last year.  I stood there and thought... "Oh, The Girl would love that - I should buy it!"..... then I thought about the fact that I already own it... then I realized that it was packed away in storage. 

Our whole life is packed away in storage.... I can't help but feel a bit like our holiday is packed away in storage.

I started to walk away and I saw a gorgeous little table cloth and as my hand was reaching for it - I stopped myself because I realized that I don't need to buy table cloths or knick-knacks.... because *I* don't have a house anymore.  I don't have a dining room table. 

The truth is ...... I almost feel like *I* don't have a 'holiday' anymore.  Does that make sense?  I don't have a house to decorate, or a table to cover, or even a tree to decorate of our own.  I'm VERY grateful for where we stay... but once you're a Mom, a woman with your own place - when you move away from that it's just hard not to have a place of your own.

I'll let you in on a little secret..... I found my dream home.  It's nothing fancy,  It's a lovely two story town home located in Hillsboro.  It's an Arbor Roses home - and the units there sell for under $100K.  I know there are placed in this country where that is a lot for house - but in Oregon... that's almost FREE!!!!

There are units with three bedrooms, two and a half baths - with a LOFT upstairs making use of that space that connects all the rooms!  Which is just.... AMAZING.  Pure luxury.

Just the idea of having my *own* bathroom to take a crap in.... oh - and did I mention that they all have whirlpool jetted tubs!!!! Honestly - it's like a dream of mine come true.......

Three bedrooms - one for each of us.  In my mind, I think about how I could decorate their rooms, how I could change them so that they wouldn't be the same as the ones we left behind.   I think about my room.... which is weird to think about.  Right now, the kids and I all live in one room and share one small bed.

It's kind of scary and empty to think about living in my own room.... I dream about new comforters in shades of purple and big fluffy bed that the kids could come running to every morning to wake me up. 

I think about the kitchen and how it has a pantry.... a PANTRY!!!!!  I'm almost giddy by the very thought of it..... a pantry - to fill with food and pots and pans.  I think about making it a "mickey mouse" kitchen - all black and red and yellow with Mickey Mouse themed stuff all around the room.

Today at Target I thought about where I'd put a tree and where we might hang the stockings.... and then I realized that that dream is years away, if not totally impossible.

Without any kind of stable income on the horizon I have about as much hope of buying/renting one of these homes as Yoga Girl has of finding her own moral compass.

It's hard, after a while - to keep on hoping.  I keep reading books and talking to people and trying... and bad stuff just keeps on happening.  One of my friends pointed out that with "the world" 'watching' - you'd think he'd behave better... right?  Like - knowing that a lot of this ends up on the blog - that he's be out to prove me wrong and make different choices.

I can't still dream..... I can still hope.  Only... instead of dreaming of a 'white Christmas' - now I just dream of an independent Christmas.  One where I can take care of us - where I can decorate again and make it our own. 

Sometimes I want to give up.... I want to toss in the towel and just say eff it.  But then I worry - if I give up and throw in the towel - then what about the kids?

They *have* to see me get up and get going.... they *have* to see me bounce back - that's as important to their own process of healing as just about anything else....... so, no matter how much the idea of it hurts - I have to drag myself up off the floor get my tinsel on! 

I have a feeling that this Christmas is goign to have a lot in common with my sex life of the last 8 years or so.... I'll be faking it.... *a lot*.

Ho Ho Ho

I'm hesitant to blog tonight.  The last two weeks have taken a heavy toll on me - f*ck... on my damned face. lol.... and I'll be honest.... it's taken my spirits and hope with it.

May be it's because the holidays are coming.....?
May be it's because nothing seems to be coming together very well......?

As the weeks roll into months and my outlook on finding any kind of career starts to look a little bleak... I'm having to try to come to terms with not being a 'stay-at-home" Mom anymore - and, instead becoming a working Mom.

I have LOTS of great, well educated clients who are working Moms.  I know some of them struggle with it, having to go back to work, but many of them truly enjoy their careers and can't imagine not going back to work.  Which is really lovely for them.... I wish I had a career I could even go back to. lol

Being "a Mom" was supposed to BE my career.  But..... the truth is, it never was.

The truth is .... I was always working.  I've been working 40 hours a week since before The Boy was born.  It's working at home... but at times - that was even harder than actually just leaving.  For years I worked weddings, which is how most portrait photographers earn a steady living because the weddings pay very well.  But they also take A LOT of time.

There's meeting with the clients, then shooting a wedding for 10, 12 or 14 hours, then there's the 40 plus hours of editing the images - and then you add another 8 hours for wedding album design. 

When you add it all up - I was spending - on average - 80 - 100 hours on each wedding I worked and I was doing around 20 - 30 weddings a year.... that's full time hours.  Plus the you add in the babies and the families and the senior portraits.

Most of the time, I would edit and work on the computer as much as I could, usually working until 2 or 3 in the morning.  One night, when The Boy was around 2 years old he came out to the computer in the middle of the night and said.... "No more puuuterrr, go bed, mommy."

It broke my heart.

Even in his sleep, my boy knew I was working too much - spending too much time away from him.  Because during the day.... I was always a little too distracted - answering clients emails and client calls and doing the errands to run a business.

I never joined a Moms club or a playgroup, we couldn't afford to go to the Gymboree toddler classes.... I have so many regrets.  So. Many. Regrets.

We didn't bake enough cookies, we didn't do enough crafts.... we only ever had time to carve pumpkins ON Halloween and even then.... we used those potato-head style ones last year.  I didn't color enough pictures with him, play enough trains and ..... we most certainly did not watch enough Sesame Street together.

Instead, The Boy kind of played 'around' me turning him into what his pre-school teacher would later say was a very good 'independent player'.  Silver lining to my sh*tty parenting.....

When we got pregnant with The Girl - I *swore* to myself... I *promised* myself  - no..... I sat and thought about ALL the things I never 'had time' to do with The Boy and that *this time* I would make the time to do them with her.

I looked forward everyday to having her.... and after she came, I was... totally in love.  TOTALLY.

By now we had pre-school friends and we went to play gym and stuff like that.... so at least I did that better for her.  But..... I still had to work.

Our goal was to get El Capitan to the top level of management for his chosen career.... he got there just about the time The Girl was born.  The agreement was that I could stop doing weddings as soon as that happened because then our finances would be better.

However..... that year also started a trend where through surgeries and injuries and major illness, our medical debt soared to over $12,000 out of pocket EVERY YEAR for FOUR YEARS.

Having given up weddings to stay at home with the kids and homeschool - I ended up having to develop other work to make ends meet... and often - they were more than stretched and we barely made it. 

But I didn't stress about it.... right?  I didn't worry about it - like *most* families we were doing what we needed to do to get by - and that hardly made us unique.  How many other Moms out there are having to give up some of what they want to do as a parent to make ends meet and get by..... probably most of them.

It hurt to give up things, to give up time with the kids...... but, it seemed worth it at the time.  It felt like I was giving up a little of this and a lot of that to build a strong foundation for our families future and that in the end - I would still *have* time to be with them.

In fact, if I helped El Capitan get to where he wanted to be professionally  - I would be able to stop working altogether and stay home with the children full time.  THAT was our agreement.  THAT was our plan.... El Capitan and I would talk and plan all the time.... and then one day he made other plans.

He planned to call her.
He planned to text her.
then .... he planned to get in my little red Saturn, drive to her apartment and have sex with her.

I know ... I know - this is old news.  I should move the f*ck on.... we've been over and over and over this ground... I'm like a large dog running the same circles in a backyard wearing down a thin line of mud in the grass.

But .... I just so .... pissed.

El Capitan didn't just break one promise - the vow to remain true to our marriage - he broke a thousand little promises that we made each other along the way.  He broke all the agreements and dreams we had made for our family - for our future.

He failed to see that I had, for too long, been trading in the kind of Mother I wanted to be - for the better of our future and financial stability of our present.  Mind you... .all that trading got me shopping for an entire Christmas at The Goodwill and I did it with a smile on my face.... what a f*cking fool I was.

I should have never traded in what I wanted as a Mom, I should have never given up all that time with my kids ..... hoping for more time down the road. 

I shouldn't have trusted my husband.

Now, the time is gone, the husband is gone - and with him..... all my hopes and dreams of the kind of mother I wanted to be.  I'm just so angry about that.  It's hard enough to accept all the things you didn't do as a Mom - but I can assure you that it's even *harder* when you realize that you're not going to get any chance to make it better and.... now, it's only going to get worse. 

Oh wait.... it gets worse when you have to accept the fact that El Capitan wanted me to have my tubes tied because we "couldn't afford" any more kids.... and now - not only will I *never* get the chance to get it right - to get those baby years right..... but - El Capitan *will* get a chance with however many girls he ends up knocking up... and judging his brothers skills in that department, I'm guessing it won't be too long before that happens.

Ten years of marriage - putting the needs of the family, and the business and the kids and clients and El Capitan ahead of my own..... and it get's me here.

While *he* is ... there.

I think that the hardest part - the injustice of it all.  I didn't get a divorce.... I got robbed.  A divorce is when two people can't make their marriage work - they go to counseling, they fight it out - they cry it out - but... they *try*.  In that time of trying - they also do some healing.   They have time to come to terms with what is changing and what's going wrong and can't be fixed.

I didn't get any of that - I didn't get *time* with my kids - and I didn't get *time* to try to fix my marriage.... the time just ran away... tucked into the vest of my own personal 'White Rabbit' named Yoga Girl........

And so - it's just me.... again.... slowing falling down the black hole surrounded by crazy and 'off with their heads' and all the while I realize that I'm chasing time... time I can't get back, time that was stolen away from me by her......

Single Mother's around the world are shaking their head in shame right now.... I can hear the 'tsk-tsk'tsk' of their annoyance with my pity party over the fiber cable of my internet line.  They're not wrong..... I know there are Moms who have been doing this since their babies were born - going back to work two weeks later just to make ends meet.  To them - I had way more time than they did. 

I think that this is just one more part of my journey - it's like a giant suck-ass onion... each layer I work through brings with it another layer of betrayal and loss and pain that I have to yet again... work through.

I'm tired.  Tired of peeling back layers... I did so much working *during* my marriage - I really resent being the one left behind to *keep* doing all the work....

Sorry..... I said I was hesitant to blog.  I'm a one trick pony - I write about how I feel - what's happening right now... what's going on in my heart *today*.  It's real time pain people..... real time.

You they say.... "money can't buy you happiness".... well, I'm calling BS on that... it's would buy me a *sh*t* ton of time with my kids - and THAT would be my definition of happiness.  No money worries.... means no full time time robbing me of what's left of my children's childhood.....

But, don't worry - while I *do* believe that money would buy me a ton of happiness - I won't be making any 'self-pleasure' adult films ala' OctoMom  anytime soon.... bwahahahahah.

Tomorrow is going be better..... I just know it. 

*sigh*

That pretty much sums up my day.

For the last month or so I've tried to limit talking to El Capitan to be when I see him to drop off the kids/pick them up.... but then those time are tense and depending on what's happening we fight.

On the one hand..... I do understand that El Capitan is free to move on with his life - we are divorced and I am no longer his wife. My personal stake in his life disappeared with a judges blessing months ago.  That doesn't, however, take away the pain, the loss and the problems that come with losing everything I had in this life.

El Capitan - since this first started - has just wanted to "move on".  Going back several months to when I first found out about her, it was like once I knew about it - once he "said sorry" and once he had moved out - he moved on and I was supposed to be able to do that, too.

Hardly.

For him.... he's moved on.  He gets to live in their apartment - where they *have* a life. He tries to deny this, he tries to tell me that he hardly see's her, blah blah blah.  I know that's not the truth.  Friends see them around town, shopping or out for dinner.

He goes *insane* when people (as he calls it) "report back" to me.  I try to explain to him that I don't' think people are "reporting back" to me so much as the are just..... shocked.  It's one thing to hear me say that he cheated, to read about it online or follow my facebook updates, but it's another thing to *see* it with your own eyes.

I've said it a thousand times, but this *was* a good man.  This *was* a good Father.... I had the kind of husband that other Moms were a bit jealous of - he never complained about being home alone with them, or getting them their baths (not that he ever did that... lol) - or making them dinner on his own.  He *was* the kind of Dad who was very hands on and spent time with them.

But..... months, even years, before I found out about Yoga Girl, he was systematically starting to 'check out'.  Looking back, I can now clearly see the signs.... freaking hindsight.  Why are you so clear *now*?  I can now see the cracks in our happy foundation were there not long after The Girl was born.

Mind you, he never said anything.  We never fought.... hardly ever.  We got along day in and day out....we always said 'I love you' and talked dozens of times a day.  We went on family vacations, we had a sex life, we laughed and had *great* kids who were very much on the same page about how to raise.

Then suddenly, there wasn't a "we", there was only a 'me'.

I think that that is why I still feel like there's stuff to talk about - stuff to argue about - things I want him to know.  Because he had years and months and WEEKS to prepare emotionally - to let go and to make 'ok' his choices in our family..... no doubt, like anyone, he convinced himself that our marriage was "over" and that having sex with Yoga Girl on her emerald green comforter surrounded by her collection of DVDS and Audrey Hepburn black and white photos was 'fine'.  *******(PLEASE NOTE - READ BELOW*****)

It's like taking a long bath.... you can lay there and add more and more hot water  - and even when the water is scalding hot - because you've added a little bit at a time, your body adjusts to the heat.  So, while it doesn't seem that hot to you, when someone else walks up to get it- they might get 'burned' because the temperature is too high and they haven't had time to adjust.

that's me.... dropped in the deep end of the scalding water of his infidelity..... getting burned.

So fast forward to now, I'm still standing around, skin peeling off from the heat and he's.... fine.  And it's not fair to me that we only "talk" when the kids are around - it's a recipe for disaster for all four of us.  So today, fraught with anger of a few issue's as of late - I thought we should talk about it.  Away from the kids - at a time when it wouldn't taint his time with the kids setting them off for their time together in disgruntled tone.

Needless to say... it didn't go well.

I explained that lately I'm angry and really struggling with having to give up photography and find a "real job".  It's not that I resent having to 'work', perse - I've been working my ass off this *entire* marriage.  i worked at least 40 hours a week.... but, now that I have to have benefits and whatnot.... photography just isn't stable and reliable and consistent enough income for me to rebuild a financial foundation on that will support me and the kids. 

I'm really angry about that.  *WE* decided that I would pack in my wedding photography (which is reliable and stable enough) - because we wanted me to home-school the boy and whatnot.....  I guess what I'm really angry about is that while I thought *we* were making decisions and choices based on being a family..... *he* was making choices to the contrary.

I'm freaking pissed about that.  Really.

So, I tried to explain - and without "accusing" or blaming... but just saying - hey, you want to "move on", but you don't realize that every single day MY life is affected by what you've done.   It's changed everything - and, most of all, it's changed *how* I can mother the children.  THAT is the thing that makes me the angriest... THAT is truly the thing that hurts the most. 

He doesn't really understand it... why should he?  He gets to get up - free from sleeping in a double bed where there is frequently a wet spot, he gets to sh*t, shower and shave on his own.... not while two small people stand there talking in stereo about the color of the moon, the Spirit store and debate the value of Jake and The Neverland Pirates.  (One day I'm going to blow their little minds and show them "HOOK"... lolol).

He gets to go to work in clean clothes, free from snotty noses that bury themselves nipple high,  He gets to drive to work listening to whatever heavy metal band he wants to .... ironically- he's always been a huge fan of TOOL - which.... makes me giggle just a little now.  I, however, get to listen to The Fresh Beat Band for the billionth time while they argue because one of them wants to Loco Legs again and the other wants Go Bananas.

My day is two kids and snotty noses and errands and work and running and work and more errands and homeschooling and board games and reading and.... *may be* just a little bit of 'me' time if I can remember to lock the bathroom door...... usually I forget and it'll swing open mid piss. 

He doesn't *get* that.... he doesn't understand that I find it really annoying that the only kid he has to raise is the 22 year old he's banging.... though, no doubt he must tired of playing Daddy for her as well.... be warned Yoga Girl, he tires of that roll quicker than you would think.

So today I started off trying to talk to him about that... as though if he could understand why I'm angry and hurt and upset - that that might help me.  Obviously... that was a dumb idea.  But again... freaking hindsight.

Instead we got into the mother of all fights because El Capitan is *convinced* that I have people "following" him.  He say's he's been 'doubling back' and going around the block several times - everywhere he goes so that he can 'lose' them.....

Huh?  Wah.......?  He's been accusing me of this for MONTHS... since early July.  No matter what I say and do he seems to believe that I have a band of Stealth Soccer Moms who have nothing better to do with their time but follow El Capitan around town for the purpose of reporting back to me where he goes....

Mind you - this is also the same person who screams at me that he has "no life" and that all he does is "work" so the kids and I have money.... blah blah blah.  So it begs the question... where are these band of rogue mothers following him?

I tell him over and over and over - that NO ONE is following him.  He grew up in this town - we have lived in this town our entire marriage - so.... if you take your new girlfriend out in the same place we've lived, and you go the same places *we* used to go to... it seems totally logical that he and Yoga Girl are going to be "seen" by people *we* once knew.... by our collective friends.

People who were our friends.... people who, when faced with seeing El Capitan flirting and putting his arm around a 22 year old are... shocked.  It's one thing to read about it - and it's another thing to see it.

So..... our conversation quickly hit the skids and El Capitan was screaming - like, that kind of screaming that distorts your voice through the phone - that ... if he *ever* is out in public and see's *anyone* we know - my friends, our friends - or even his own friends.... that he's going to "f*ck them up."

Huh.....?  Wah......? 

Yup, for over 25 minutes, he screamed at me that I'm having people follow him..... and he's going to "teach" them all a lesson.... that he'll get the "therapy" he needs by kicking their collective asses. 

When I tell him he's talking crazy.... when I tell him over and over and over that we live in a fairly small town - and yeah... people kind of *know* what has happened and that it's not totally INSANE to think that he's truly just bumping into people .... he just screams and yells and threatens more.

He was never like this.  Some guys are 'fighters'.... El Capitan is not a 'fighter'.  He's not the kind of guy who finds a fight every Friday at the bar, or walks around big and bad and tough like..... So I'm at a loss for why he's been acting like this for months. 

He's threatened to "beat up" my friends before - if he found them following him, but I ignored it.  I really don't think he would do that ... honestly - that's just *not* who he is. 

I ask him how he intends to parent from a jail cell.... and I ask him how the hell I'm supposed to co-parent with someone who acts like this.....

I'm sure he feels the same way - how can he co-parent with someone who just can't "move on".   'He's already swimming... adjusted to our new hot waters - and he's enjoying it.  Going out for dinner with her, going shopping... which I secretly find hilarious because he's *still* denying to many of his own friends the actual identity of Yoga Girl - so how does he never worry that none of *them* will see them together and know he's been lying to them about who she is for MONTHS.....

When I pointed that out.... he said he wouldn't limit kicking ass just to my friends - but to all our friends - mine, mutual and his if he sees them out in public because he knows that they are only there to "follow" him.

*sigh*

If you ask me - he's pretty angry... and I don't understand why.  He got what he wanted. He wanted out - he got out.  He wanted to be with her... he is.  I'm not sure what he's so angry about.....

To be clear...... I have not, nor would I *ever* ask any of my friends to follow El Capitan.  Period.  I would also like to point out that none of my friends have *time* to do such a thing... they are busy being MOMS to their family, running errands and cooking dinner and making cute crafts off Pintrest and ..... being happy. 

The craziest part is that I have no *need* to follow him anywhere..... it's not like I suspected an affair and starting following him.... it all kind of fell in my lap.  So, what good would i gain from having anyone follow him?  It just doesn't even make sense......

Of course, while he was screaming at me, threatening to beat up everyone he see's because now he feels like he needs to 'protect' himself..... from who - soccer Moms?  ooohhhhkkkaaayyyyy.... I was kind of a bitch and pointed out to him that all they would have to do with put a spider on their shoulder and he would run the other way.... lol  El Captain *really* hates spiders.  Like, in the list of things I look forward to one day having, other than security and a partnership with someone who values me as a Mother and wife.... it's going to be a fine f*cking day when I can call out for someone to come and kill a big nasty spider - and that someone comes to do it.

I can't help but feel like Alice - falling down that black hole once again - surrounded by craziness.....clean cup, move down...... clean cup, move down - and now we're adding "off with their heads" to the insanity.

*sigh*  Once again... for the record, I'm not, nor do I have any friends "following" anyone.  Mind you.... if *did* have friends who were stealth enough to follow him around town "reporting" back on where he eats food and goes shopping... how totally fantastic would that be? lol  Like.... a slightly more overweight version of Charlie's Angels - sans any kind of martial arts training, weapons or.... 70s music playing in the background.  It'd be more Swagger Wagons filled with screaming kids, discarded fast food bags and suckers stuck to the carpet with the latest Laurie Berkner CD blaring out the window  Hardly the stuff that spies are made of... bwahahaha.


*********It came to my attention that I need to clarify *why* I know what Yoga Girls' bedroom looks like.  When I FIRST found out about her, her facebook page was PUBLIC.  It was not locked and ALL of it's photos were also PUBLIC.  I actually TEXTED her TWO TIMES when the sign went International news telling her to change her facebook profile to PRIVATE so that journalists wouldn't find her and her photos.  IN HER ALBUMS, she had pictures of her entire apartment and her bedroom... because that's what college kids do- they take pictures of their first apartments because they are proud of them.... THAT is how I know.  LESSON KIDS:  don't put up sh*t on facebook that you don't want the WORLD to see. lol*****************

Things have been on a bit of a downward spiral between El Capitan and I since The Day of The Split Glow Bracelet.

Obviously, my trust in him continues to erode due to some of the choices he makes. 

He seems to find it unreasonable that I'm upset with his response to that situation with The Girl.  For some time now, he seems to think that his *words* will speak more than his actions and I should take him at his *word* and forget the actions..... or rather - I should "stop reading into his actions" because I "don't' know everything like I think I do."

I don't feel like I'm "reading" into anything.... I'm more of a 'a spade is a spade' kind of girl - and after ten years of marriage, this is something El Capitan knows about me. 

I call, you don't come.  I think that speaks for itself.

Even after that, I only heard from him five days later when he called about situations with work.  I called back three times and TEXTED so as to invite to meet up with us to Trick or Treat that night.... but he never returned the call.  Clearly, he *did not* want to meet up with us.

Sadly for him..... those previously blogged about Halloween store employee's mentioned seeing El Capitan buying stuff in the store Halloween night for Halloween which they assumed was for festivities with The Boy.... I, however, knew they were not as we did not see him that night or any other night that involved Halloween.  *sigh*

After that - it would be Sunday before I heard from him again.... and this conversation went down hill fast - he exploded.  Later he would apologize, said he hadn't eaten, hadn't slept, was too stressed out about work... the usual.  Ultimately, he freaks out at me because of work then (I believe) turns around and tells Yoga Girl and work that he's freaking out because of me.  *double sigh*

It's like there's  A LOT of buck passing going on.... but no one's getting any richer.

Even still..... through all this, I try to arrange for his time with the kids - which was today.  The Girl was poorly and couldn't go, so The Boy went on his own.  It's good for them to spend time with each of us on their own, so I didn't think this was a totally bad idea. 

Truth be told, The Boy has been struggling for a few months.  Behaviors have changed to being more challenging and defiant and just kind of ..... poling sister just to poke his sister.  Those are things he *never* did before now.  Honestly... hard to believe I know, but my friends would tell you - his behavior has changed.  Clearly he's not processing this new "two households" situation as well as I was hoping he would... though certainly not as poorly as he could.  But, as I've said a million times - El Capitan and I can fail at EVERYTHING ELSE, but failing our children through this catastrophic time is simply not a choice.

Everyday I feel like it's a battle for improving behavior.  I'm not giving up.  It's almost constant from when he wakes up until he's finally done poling and tickling and bugging sister and they both fall asleep.  These are challenges I have shared with El Capitan over email, on the phone and in person, so I was looking forward to them having some time on their own.

Imagine my dismay when I received a text message from an old family friend.  They were out and saw El Capitan and The Boy - they stopped to say hello when El Capitan knelt down face to face with The Boy to have a 'serious conversation'.  The friend waited, to say hello when they were down, but when El Capitan stood up they just walked off - not noticing the friend who had stopped to say hi.

The friend watched, waiting (as they said) to see the Father they once knew with The Boy - interacting, talking, etc.... instead, they sent me a text saying they were not only surprised at what they saw - but that what they felt they saw was a real "disconnection" between El Capitan and The Boy.

*sigh*  *sigh* and *tirple sigh*

I wasn't so bothered about the "serious conversation".... every parent has to have those - sometimes in public.  Later, when El Capitan was returning The Boy he mentioned that they were at the place where our friend saw them and that The Boy became "distraught" over El Capitan refusing to purchase him something. 

Fair enough..... I understand that we cannot, nor should either of us try, to purchase our children's love.  I also understand that The Boy and The Girl need to understand we cannot afford to buy them everything they want... however, when you see the kids once every week or two... buying them something on the few hours they see you might not be totally out of order.  El Capitan say's he doesn't have any money.....

So when I asked him how his new iPhone was.... he was seriously annoyed a) that I asked and B) that I knew.

That is an issue that has gone on during this entire process - El Capitan goes out shopping or to dinner in public with Yoga Girl and I have clients and friends who see them and tell me.  He gets super pissed and accuses me of "harassing him" or having my friends "follow him".  Regardless of the fact that it's some of his own friends who tell me things..... lolol

And for the record:  I have never followed him.  None of my friends have ever followed him.  Gee.... do I have friends who shop at Nordstrom Rack at the same time he did?  It's not rocket science... and it's sure as sh*t not the stuff a James Bond movie is made of.  It's Uggs and designer jeans at discount prices...

Anyhow...... El Capitan is telling me that The Boy was difficult at points and I say, "Yes, these are issue's that have been going on for a while, I'm not sure what else to do....."

Then El Capitan reaches over and ruffles his hair and say's, "That's ok Buddy, you're doing good."

WHAT?  HUH?  *YOU* just said that he was a pill while you were out.... *I* then tell you that I'm having trouble getting this behavior in hand and you REASSURE HIM that his behavior is "good"?  Talk about a mixed message.

So, I'm more clear about some of the issue's and instead of El Capitan taking this opportunity as a chance to discuss these issue's with The Boy - find out why they are happening?  find out how we can work together to make them better?  He just pats The Boy on the back *again* and blows it off.....

Then El Capitan say's, "That's ok bud, we'll work on it....."

Work on what, exactly?  I just *told* you what we need to work on.... and you said/did nothing.  so, what you *really* mean to say is that *I* will be working on this.  Alone.

So I politely pointed that out to him.... that *I* am left parenting the children while he babysits when he can "fit it around work".  You see... he *claims* that he has no life.  He say's he "hardly see's" Yoga Girl and that they "barely have a relationship".  Mind you, they share an apartment and own a car together.

So, you see *this* is where his actions different so dramatically from his words.... he tells The Boy "we'll work on it"... but he DOESN'T WORK ON IT.  grrr.....

Instead, he own behavior (away from me) does not demonstrate that of a dotting father, but rather one of a Father who is just disconnected from his son.

Sh*t... I swear, typing that sentence just broke my heart a little more. 

Anyhow..... the thing is - *I* am the one "working" on things because El Capitan say's he is always "working".  The problem is, my job just tripled.  Not only do I have to find a way to financially support the children and myself, I have to start thinking about my own retirement so that I'm not a burden on my children and society in my old age. 

Oh yeah... and then I have to find the time to do that thing called Parenting.  What should be *the most* important thing I do... is more and more the thing I have the *least* amount of time for. 

Being a Mom was the only job I ever cared about doing...

We left on... difficult terms... meaning he peeled out of the parking lot.  I didn't say anything nasty, at least not really.  He say's, "Can't we just 'move past this'... why do you have to bring her up?"

I point out that *every* single day of my life is now scared and changed BECAUSE of her - so it's a little hard to move on.... move one from what?

I'm having to give up being a full-time stay at home Mom...we're going to have to give up homeschooling - *all* of my values as a parent are being removed from me by the need to financially provide for myself and the kids.... and in the mix - it all adds up to LESS time with the kids at a time when they need MORE of BOTH of us.... and instead they are getting a stressed Mom with half a smile and a Dad who (essentially) babysits them a few hours a week at best.

Wow.... the question then becomes - how the hell are *they* going to move on?

That's the irony, which I tried to point out to him..... if this were diferent - if I had given HIM full custody of the kids where he would have them 7 days a week and I would only have them a few hours on a Saturday - I'm guessing he sure as sh*t wouldn't know how to "move on" either......

But that's just it:  He gets to move on alone - as HE wants to.  He gets the evenings "off" that he wanted to "do the things" he wanted to do that he wasn't able to do while a part of our family.... he gets to bone a 22 year old that does Yoga and hang around - 7 days out of a week as though he is NOT anyone's Father.... and then he only has to 'parent' a few hours a week.

It breaks my heart into a thousand pieces to think of that 'parenting' time - so vacant of a Father/son connection that a bystander seeing them only see's the disconnect.  My son deserves better and once upon a time... he *had* better.  It's not fair that he has to 'move on' from that better to this.......

Posting this will result in severe unhappiness from El Capitan and instead of taking ownership for what anyone see's in public - it'll become accusations of my having him followed, or that my friends are spying.... but in the end - the person suffering the most is The Boy.

I'm just not sure how to help him "move on' from this...... and frankly, I wish I didn't have to.

I hesitate to post this.... only because one of my regular (and very nice) readers sent me an email after I posted about Jen Burgess how they thought may be I was using other people's tragedies to 'exhault' myself in a way.

Nothing could be further from the truth... while I didn't *know* Jen, photographers are nosy people... lololol.  We like to know about each other, what camera's we use, our studio practices and prices and where we get our props.  If we're good, we're always looking at each other to learn from each other and find out about the latest and greatest tips and tricks before everyone else does. 

In that way, we are a bit of a 'close' community and with the help of social media - we're all privy to everyone's personal business and lives these days.  By that same token, I feel like people post things because they want people to know what they are going through - to be grateful that we not going through it, possibly to learn from it, or just to vent.  Either way, I'm the kind of person that if I take the time to read about you and your life... then I will pray for you, donate for you - help 'you' in whatever way I can. 

I'm not a looky-loo.  I don't just slow down at a car wreck to see the blood and gore and drive away... I'm more of a 'pull over and help' kind of person.  I'm also not the kind of person who talks about the bad things happening to other people just to talk.... I like to see what I can learn from their situation - the mistakes they made, etc - but mostly see if I can do anything to help.

As soon as this happened with El Capitan, I was *very* open about it with my friends and stuff - probably too open for some... but, sometimes just watching someone else walk a mile in their own shoes helps you avoid walking that same mile in your own shoes.

Our trip to Disneyland was ... AH. MAZING.  But, it was tainted with the bittersweet knowledge that a friend's daughter was having a very serious surgery.  Her daughter, Baby A, was born with half a heart.  She's had several surgeries before now... but this one - right smack in the middle of our vacation, was going to be the "big" surgery.

Initially, Baby A did really well.  Then.... suddenly Baby A started not doing so well and the result is a large blood clot on the brain that has done some amount of damage and possibly continues to do more damage.

Our group of friends organized a meal train (the fantastic JennyB), and several of my friends are regular visitors at Baby A's bedside (the rough and ready Miss Erin) - and I have set about trying to find way to fund raise for the various needs that Baby A's family are now going to (unexpectedly) face. 

Oh.... and I roll in to hang out with Baby A's Mom who is ..... hanging on by a very small, teeny, tiny thread.

I know that life isn't a 'competition' - and the truth is - everyone's pain and situation is 'real':  to them.

People live through rape and cancer and miscarriages.... and even philandering husbands - and come out the other side, bruised, changed, different, but unscathed.  Then there are people who can't handle simple things and a bad experience with Microsoft's support center has them going all 'Office Space' on their home computer.

No one problem is truly greater than another.... there's no prize for having a life that's more f*cked than the guy next to you (though... honestly, at this point, I could give a few people a run for their money on that one), but I was *raised* around people who had seen the worst atrocities that one man could afflict upon another and yet the only reminder would be the faded numbers etched on a forearm that was attached to the smiling woman, sitting at the table at Pass Over, handing me a basket of rolls.

No daily reminder of the pain, the torture... the immense loss she had lived through - lingering in her eyes. 
Just a smile, and love for life.  In Judaism, there is a saying that life is for the living:  so live.

Well, at least my Grandma say's it all the time.

She also say's that really really really really really annoying thing:  "Everything happens for a reason."
ugh.

Right now.... I'm not sure why Baby A has a blood clot, or why her family is going through this.  I suppose, as G*d has yet to reveal to me the inner most secrets of the world - that I won't have an answer for this one.  When I start to complain about El Capitan and what's going on there.... my mind goes to seeing Baby A in her bed, hooked up to machines and wires and bandages.

When I think about the mounting pressure of what the hell I'm going to do for money ....... I think about how lucky I am to even *need* to take care of my (knock wood) healthy children.  And, frankly, I think about all the single Moms out there facing the same thing and how I might joke about strapping a mattress to my back to make ends meet - there are women who feel they actually *have* to do that for their children to survive.

Mostly though.... I sit and think about how, no matter how bad my day is right now, no matter what my troubles are, what stress I'm under, or broken my heart or my smile are... to some degree - Baby A's Mom would *really* like to trade me problems right now. 

Since I'm not a doctor and I don't even play one on TV... there is little I can do for Baby A and her family beyond visit and support them emotionally.  (oh, did I mention I'm hoping to do some fundraising for them?)

I can't remove the cords, or take away her pain, and my words are, no doubt, little comfort to Baby A's Mom - BUT.... I know there is power is prayer.  There is power in positivity.  There is power in taking a few seconds to send some happy thoughts or prayers or whatever it is you do or whoever it is you pray to..... and ask for some healing and some help for Baby A and her family.

As Grandma say's, someone somewhere always has it worse than you.... it's humbling when that

This weekend is always hard on The Boy.  He literally waits for Halloween to come for months.  As soon as Back to School is over, he'll start running to the back of Target to see if their Halloween stuff is going up yet.  Then he'll start checking the abandoned stores to see where and when The Spirit store is going up.  I'm not sure if every state has a Spirit store, but Oregon has them.

They are only seasonal, so they come sometime during August and then close a few days after Halloween.  The Boy had been watching the old Borders Book store all summer, waiting and watching to see if Spirit would show up there.  One day he nearly lost his nut when he noticed the lights on inside, a sheet over the large BORDERS sign and he ran to the window hoping to see skulls or witches and stuff.

He came flying back to the car one day early August, breathless with excitement to tell me that he saw a few ghosts and the hay by the doors.  Everyday after that we'd pull up and he'd run to the door to see what else had been put up, and he hop out of the car to check to see if the doors were unlocked yet.

One day, in late August, The Boy ran to the door, tugged real hard and the force of it nearly knocked him over as it swung open.

He went screaming into the store,much to the surprise of the manager and opening employee's and screamed:

"Why are you open so early?  It's not even Halloween!?!?!?!"

To which the manager quickly replied, "I guess we opened up just for you!"  And so began The Boy's love affair with not only the Spirit store, but also with the employee's there.

After they opened their doors, we had to go there every single day.  When the second store opened a few miles away, we had to start going there, too.  He would run around asking those employee's why "Regan" the spitting up girl wasn't put up yet - and where were they going to put the three werewolves?  They couldn't believe his attention to detail - in both stores.

Of course, this came at a time when I was saving up for Disneyland and .... to say our living area is smaller would be an understatement, so I couldn't really buy him all the stuff he wanted. He would hop and skip up and down all the aisles, inspecting, pushing all the buttons, squealing with delight when Freddy Kruger would go off and talk to him. 

Day in and day out.... we were there.  The employee's go to know him by name, and I think they began to look forward to seeing him coming in.  They would run up and show him the latest display that had gone up, or ask him what display he thought should go up next.

It was.... a wonderful distraction, to say the least.  We would make our trip there daily, while the children would run around checking out the cutest costumes and I would hunt the shelves for any clearance items that I could snatch up to add to our collection. 

I love to watch him.  The Boy.  I love to watch him skip around the store yelling, "MOM! MOM!!!! Come see this!".... so no matter what, every single day we loaded up the car and headed over.   Some days were hard because The Boy would want one of the larger talking guys - the Freddy or the Scream Ghost guy, and at two or three hundred dollars - they weren't really in our budget. 

Even still, he was filled with joy just walking in the doors.

So Halloween came and went.... and the week had it's emotional drawbacks.... and then we went trick or treating and checked out all his favorite houses that he usually likes and he wanted to cap his night off stopping at The Spirit store.  Sadly... the store was closed, they close early that night because employee's of The Spirit store all go to the local children's hospitals all dressed up and with candy and treats for the kids who are there.

Charity aside, The Boy was gutted.  Seriously ... my kid is truly broken when he cares more about going to the Halloween store instead of get more free candy. lolol

We've gone back everyday since, waiting for them to finally close.  For me, it's bittersweet.... I won't lie - having a holiday take up nearly all of your time gets a bit rough, however, it's so hard to see him have to say goodbye to all the displays - and his OWN displays.

This entire time he's been setting up his own "spirit" stores all over the house.  He wrote up his own signs and price tags.  He stacked boxes up all over the hallways and set up "step here" buttons and made all these little scenes. 

He would wake up every single day to set up more scenes, change a scene - take out one of the boxes and announce they were "sold out".  He would make 30% off days, and 50% off days - he would make signs to announce a grand opening.... at least he was getting tons of writing practice.  The beauty of being homeschooled is that when he's interested in making all these signs - he just did them on his own.  Making sure to leave spaces, getting the correct spelling, and making his letter clear so people could read his signs. 

Two months in, most of the employee's were pretty excited to see him coming into the store. a One in particular, Christian, took a lot of time showing The Boy the bubble fogger, or the latest costumes.  I'm sure to his annoyance, The Boy would run up and tell them that the Wold Spitter was out of water, or one of the Zombie Babies were out of batteries. 

On the last day they were open, I thought The Boy might actually cry.  He was excited to see them packing up (all part of the store process, you see) - but then he was horrified that they *were* packing up.  We picked through a few of the clearance items and headed up the register.  Jae came out with a hat for The Girl and The Boy almost lost his nut with jealousy.... until Christian walked up with his hat.

Then, Christian produced something from behind his back and handed it to The Boy.  It was an apron.   The Boy WAS STOKED.  He was jumping up and down and screaming and yelling and going crazy.  All three employees were smiling like Cheshire Cats - you could tell they had been planning this for a while.

Christian then made each of them their own "lanyard" name tags - and their "uniforms" were complete.  I'm sure that someone would think it was such a silly thing - but, for The Boy, this was huge.  This was..... touching - at least for me.

As parents we worry about what kind of children we are putting into the world, what kind of *people* they are.  What kind of 'citizen' they are going to grow up to be.  I am exceedingly proud that, thus far, The Boy is the kind of person, the kind of child - who brings out the joy and kindness in other people.  That, in itself, is a bit of a gift.  I'm so grateful for who he is. 

I'm even more grateful that Christian and Jae and the rest of them - also see The Boy for who he is and are touched by it.  Going there everyday has been a wonderful distraction for all of us - and I am more grateful than words could possibly express to Christian, in particular, who took so much time and kindness and interest in The Boy - I'll be honest.... he *really* needed that.  Really.

and..... to some small degree - *I* needed that.  I need a win, once in a while.  At a time in our lives where I feel so disjointed and broken and wondering all the ways I've failed thus far as a parent - it's good to see where I've done right... where *we* did right.  I suppose if you're going to get anything right at all... it's best to get the kids "right".  I know one thing for sure - I'll will eventually get over my failures as a wife and failing El Capitan on whatever levels I did... but it will *never* be acceptable and it will never be something I could acc

I remember when LeAnn Rimes first came out - my Dad thought she was fantastic.  Everyone wrote about how she was like a young "Patsy Cline"... and I thought she was good.  I was never a huge fan of her voice... but she certainly wasn't a bad singer.

Eddie Cibrian I remembered from Sunset Beach and then later from Third Watch..... he's an ok actor at best... better looking than he is talented IMHO (especially if you watched Invasion lolol).

When it came out they were having an affair..... I was:  disappointed.

I remembered seeing the wedding pictures of LeAnn Rimes first marriage to a dancer - she seemed so young and so eager to get away from her father - who she would fire as her manager.  Like most 'famous' kids.... her childhood wasn't her own- it belonged to the public.  First the public at the local talent show, then the local fair, then the State Fair and so on. 

Sometimes I wonder how many times we have to watch the Michael Jackson Factor play out over and over and over... Britney Spears can't even decide what food she eats, and magazines on every shelf are littered with the tragic tales of child stars of yesterday whose lives spin out of control.

It's not rocket science, it's a bit like being fat.  Everyone starts out with (more of less) the same size stomach, but when you're famous - your "fame stomach" get's bloated - fast.  People come and over-fill it with the adulation of millions and the money that comes with it.... when the public tire of your talents and those closest to you are done raping of you of your earnings.... eventually the stomach processes it's abundance of atta-boy food and deflates.  Once it's all gone.... and there's no one left to fill you back up- you're just standing there, with an empty stomach with sagging, empty 'skin' that accompanies a once bloated, famous, wonderful 'you'.

Dragging this excess and empty baggage often becomes too much for kids who never learned the tools the rest of us un-talents did and it all becomes too much for them - they are unable to fill those "fame stomachs" because frankly.... there's nothing that will ever fill them up again other than more fame and adulation.

Corey Haim and Corey Feldman are prime examples of this..... mind you, I *still* heart the Corey's.

When US magazine first ran pictures of Eddie Cibrian having an affair with LeAnn Rimes - I wasn't too surprised.  Hollywood types do this kind of thing all the time.... right?   But even before my own personal episode with El Capitan - I lost total respect for LeAnn.  And Eddie I suppose... but I never held him in high regard as an actor anyhow...

I'm not super into country.... and my radio mostly plays Justin Beiber, anything on Disney Radio and the odd Ben Folds or Belle Sebastian that I sneak past The Boy.  I'm not terribly up on current music so LeAnn and her sordid affair kind of fell off my radar..... 

Then little Miss LeAnn went to rehab... and then popped up on 20/20 with Katie Couric to tell us all why we should feel sorry for her overly-wealthy, waaaay too-skinny, home-wrecking self..... she skirted a little bit around things - but I got the feeling that we're just supposed to accept her discretion's and move on.

Really?  Is the pressure of ruining someone else's marriage and the social backlash for being a home-wrecker just too much for you to handle.....?

Hey - here's an idea:  you shouldn't have f*cking done it.  PERIOD.

I did a little digging, because her crying spat on 20/20 had me wondering.... and I found this nugget that she said to ABC news in 2010:

"That's just not me. What happened is not who I am, period. But I do know how much I love him. So I've always said I don't live my life with regret. I can't."

But that IS you.... that's the *same* bullsh*t that that Riley b*tch say's when she talks about John Edwards.... and it's THE SAME THING Yoga Girl say's.  *IF* you were the mistress of a married man... then you *are* a mistress.  Get it? 

I eat donuts - too many donuts therefore I am fat.
If you become the fluid receptacle for another woman's husband and then YOU are the mistress, the home-wrecker.  PERIOD.
Facts are facts... and the size of my Lane Bryant Jeans don't lie.

In that same interview she goes on to say this gem:

"It happens every day to so many people. And I if I take away my album sales, my words, and you have just another couple. You had two couples whose marriages didn't work who really stumbled upon each other and fell in love," Rimes said. "I can't change [critics'] minds. Nothing I'm going to say is going to change it. I do know that and I have accepted that."

Huh?  You know what else happens every day.......?  People die of Cancer and Aids and drunk driving and women get raped and people get murdered..... and we don't find those things very 'acceptable', do we?

How totally nonchalant can you be?  So cavalier about someone else's pain..... because I heard Brandi's version of things.... Eddie first DENIED the affair to her.  Called her to warn her about the spread in US magazine - this is *after* the "two couples" involved dined together and hung out together.....

Poor Brandi not only was unaware that her marriage wasn't "working" - she was friends with the very reason it wasn't "working" anymore.... hhmm.....  I sure as sh*t hope that doesn't happen everyday.

LeAnn seems sad that so many people don't "understand" their love.  It's as though she wants to stand in the wreckage of two broken homes, one of which had children, while proudly donning a hardhat and holding the jackhammer that took down the two structures, smile sweetly and say... "Well, I never had a childhood.... you don't understand me... and we're really in love."  And that public that once used to stuff her 'fame stomach' full to brimming over - is supposed to st

Hey LeAnn.... Here's a another nugget of truth:  Eddie once "loved" Brandi the same way - hence the whole being married and having two kids with her.....

If this was the case of two marriages that "weren't working"... then why not do what MOST PEOPLE DO EVERY DAY:  fight for it.

People go to counseling, they talk to their pastor or priest, they read a few books - they talk to each other and *try* to work out the differences in their relationship with their spouse.... they don't go find the nearest hole to bury their trouser snake in. 

So waaaaaaahhhhhh, LeAnn Rimes.  Does the world "not understand you"?

Hey - here's a thought... what if we *do* understand you - and we don't like what we see?  Did you think of that?  I'll be totally honest:  I DO NOT like what I see.

In LeAnn's new song - Borrowed - there is a line that say's, "I don't want to give you back. You're the best I've ever had."

Umm...... that's great.  That makes that pill entirely easier to swallow.... so, if I'm Brandi - I'm supposed to suddenly be "ok" with the fact that you're a two-faced, lying, cheater - and simply because my husband was the "best you ever had"  then - you don't have to "give him back"?

I guess it's a good that the only thing you appear to swallow is very low on calories. 

No, I'm NOT Brandi - I don't know any of these people personally.... but - I'm just tired of these spineless, moral-less whores making their catastrophic choices and then standing around, stomping their feet and demanding the world forgive them (and continue to buy their albums.....) - just because it was "real love" and we all just need to "understand".

Grow up, LeAnn. 

or better yet...... why don't you cry me a river.... because I know for a fact, Brandi has cried oceans over you.  And, incidentally, if Eddie's time on Sunset Beach is any indicator of what kind of lifeguard he's going to be - if you ever get swept up in that ocean.... Eddie isn't equipped to save you and you'll drown.... may be *that's* the real reason you went to therapy.