At the risk of some accusing me of never leaving my couch..... I'm going to admit one 'flaw' that may have affected my marriage:  we NEVER missed a season of American Idol.

No Really.

The first season American Idol was on was during our first year of marriage. We didn't have much - the usual hand-me-down furniture mixed in with wedding presents all shoved into this cute little apartment that situated on the top/second floor.  It overlooked the children's play structure - we were years from having kids, but I have always rented places that overlook a park, a school or a play structure - I love the sound of children laughing.  I always have... I think I can trace it back to 'Somebody' by Depeche Mode on their Some Great Reward album.  It's a love song and at the end of the song the sound of children laughing and playing rises up over the music - I always thought that that was how a wedding should be - in a park, set among people having picnics and children being loud - a love story set against the backdrop of life and reality.  

Years and years and at least 80 pounds ago, I was living in a flat in Glasgow and it was right across from a primary school on Cecil St.  Every morning I would pull open the window and sit on the ledge eating a bowl of cereal just listening to the children play.  Life comes at you so fast, I've always worried that I'll forget everything that matters along the way.  All those little moments of life that seem insignificant and yet are the pieces of the puzzle of our lives that make up the bigger picture.... so I would sit on the window sill and
close my eyes and listen and just *be* in that moment. Be *THERE* - watching the children in their blue and grey uniforms playing and screaming and laughing.  Sometimes *being* in another country isn't so much about seeing it's landmarks or waiting in long lines full of tourists.... sometimes - it's just about being there. 
Taking in the feel of the concrete ledge, the smell of the city, the sun on my face and sweet uniformed children at recess - it's not the Glasgow too many tourists would get to see.  I find that in general though, no matter where you are, children bring you such joy if you just sit and watch and listen..... but - you know - without the intention of stealing one, of course.  

So I chose our first apartment because the living room overlooked the bright red play structure and I could sit in the late afternoon and listen to the kids playing.  It was a small flat and we only had a love seat - instead of a couch - and one futon.  The love seat faced the TV and El Capitan and I would sit there every night and watch TV together. In his younger years, El Capitan wanted to be a writer for TV or a comedy writer.... in the early days I thought we might move to LA so he could pursue that, but in the end, he didn't want to go.  However, our marriage was strongly rooted in a love for well-written TV shows and movies.

Note - I said *well-written* - so naturally it all started with That 70s Show.  bwahahahah  (true story, in
fact I camethisclose to naming The Boy  - Kelso - honestly.)

When American Idol started I wanted to watch it because the UK had similar type shows and ... after the first episode I was hooked.  Having actually worked in the music industry in the UK I was thrilled to see Simon telling it all and showing people what it's often *really* like for these kids who try to show their stuff to A&R people.  I knew this one A&R guy in London who gave any demo tape 10 seconds. He said if a song didn't 'speak' to him in the first 10 seconds it wasn't worth listening to.  How harsh is that? lol  

In fact, in my humble experience, I thought Simon was actually kind of nice to these kids - telling them how it was.  At the same time, I think it's helped us all realize that someone's size or looks *might* not be a reason we wouldn't buy their CD - but many, many years ago.... it was a reason you might not get signed to a major label. 
 "Video Killed The Radio Star" isn't just a song in my humble opinion. haha

Anyhow...... I wasn't *nearly* as in love with Tamyra Gray as the judges were and we were both jumping on the love seat when Kelly Clarkson won.

Every night we sat there, together holding hands and watching American Idol, re-runs of That 70s Show on the WB, Hero's, Lost, Smallville, The Simpsons, Family Guy... the list is rather endless - but the day almost always
ended with us watching and dissecting our shows .... holding hands.

Oh, and I should mention that it was far *less* couch potato than you would think,  For El Capitan and I watching TV is almost a full contact sport (with our clothes on- lol).  We like discuss and analyze the writers, the formula they are using and.... the most important thing: spotting the recycled b-actors.  El Capitan is a bit of a 'Rain Man' when it comes to people and dates and movies and stuff, he'd spend hours and hours and hours watching and re-watching LOST looking for he 'easter eggs' and checking all the message boards - wow -
what a bit of a disappointment the finale was for us. lol

I'm proud to note though, that I won the battle of allllll battles when only a few minutes into an episode of CSI in 2007 I noticed that 'hooked number three' was actually 'Chrissy' from Growing Pains - the baby sister brought in to add a few extra seasons once Kirk Cameron was moving on..... and I was right - it was Ashley Johnson. 
BooYaaaa.... stupid things, I know - but still.  I won. hahaha.

There are just some shows we never missed, American Idol being one of them.  The Boy still stands right next to the TV watching and waiting for Ryan Seacrest to say - *THIS* is *AMERican IDol!


This year... I almost couldn't finish the season because  El Capitan left right around the Top Seven week... 
Instead of El Capitan to sit next to me and regal all the singers that have come and gone and went.... nowhere after the show finished.  It was just me, swollen faced, tissue's spread around the room and usually with two sleeping kids heaped on top of me.  Just hearing the opening music would make me cry - how silly is that, right?


When Phil Phillips won there was no on there to discuss whether or not they would take him down the Dave Mathews road or the Mumford road.... it was just me:  alone.

I haven't given much thought to American Idol since...though I was totally unable to watch Big Brother - which has *never* happened because El Capitan and I were HUGE fans of Big Brother (Boogie & Will all the way!) - incidentally did you know that Ashton Kutcher and Mike (Boogie) from Big Brother 2 both had investment stakes in Dulce - a restaurant in LA?  It's true.... 

Last Tuesday, driving home from dropping off El Capitan at his truck after signing our title papers for the house a song came on the radio.  At first I thought it was Mumford- the bass line and the clapping - but then I heard a sweeter, softer voice and realized it was Phil Phillips from AI.  I turned it up ... and then had to pull over. 

Sure, sure, the entirety of my journey thus far was not intentionally wrapped up for me in a nice bow by Jimmy Iovine.... and yet: it was.

This is MY song, and if you're going through this right along with me - pockets full of soggy tissues, two tired arms holding up crying kids and dragging baggage that only the finest of therapists is going to be able to help you unpack - then this song is also for YOU:

HOME - Phillip Phillips

"Hold on, to me as we go
As we roll down this unfamiliar road
And although this wave is stringing us along
Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home

Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home

Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home"

That's it. *RIGHT THERE* ... everything I want to tell my kids in my adult words but in a way that their innocent hearts can hear it.  I don't know what's coming... sh*t - I'm still trying to process the waves of pain and anger and betrayal that got us here... and while the fears of the future and the demons of wrong-doing in the past continue to haunt us all .... we'll be ok.

Our road is not one I thought we would travel, and I grow tired of hitting emotional potholes and Yoga Girl sink holes (found between her legs, of course) that suck me back down dragging my kids and their emotional fragility with me.... sometimes we're walking, sometimes we're crawling and sometimes - I'm sitting on the side of that road just waiting for the pain to roll past me or over me - whichever it chooses.

I wrote this in The Boy and The Girls' baby books:  "Settle down, it'll all be clear.  Don't pay no mind to the demons, they will fill you with fear.  The trouble it might drag you down, It you get lost, you can always be found (because Mommy will always find you). Just know you're not alone.... Cause I'm going to make this place your home."  Then put a CD of the song in each of their books.

Buy it.  Put it on repeat and live it.... and make whatever place you're in - your home.

http://www.amazon.com/Home/dp/B0089IR6Q6/ref=sr_shvl_album_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1348905996&sr=301-1


 

There are days where I feel like I need a HUGE sign that say's, "I DO NOT BELONG HERE."

Sitting at Jeff Probst....  I'm not thin - and EVERYONE in TV is thin... lol.  So tiny and petit and cute - like I could just round them all up like Fisher Price Little People and carry them in my pocket - little.  Oh - and trendy and fashionable and hip and fancy in their low slung skinny jeans, high heels and perfect hair.  *I* am none of those things.... and you know what - I'm ok with it! lol

I didn't set out to be on that there TV... hahaha.  I know that there are a lot of people who think that I had some kind of master plan to be 'famous' or get on TV or some such thing... which is hilarious.  Just because I can *handle* myself to some extent on TV doesn't mean that it was something I wanted.  It's just something that has kind of happened.

The blog is also something that just kind of happened - because there were soooooo many fake writers and bloggers who weren't talking to me and writting 'articles' as if they had - saying that El Capitan and I were still married and that we were lying to people just to sell our house.... I wanted to get "the truth" out there - so people would know. 

Then more and more people were reading and sharing their own tragic stories..... and suddenly - I felt a bit bonded to these wonderful people and a need to keep writting and connecting.  Perhaps it's wrong - but I felt like if I didn't keep writting that I would be disrespecting those who *had* shared - those who had trusted me enough to share their own personal stories. 

So the blog was just kind of born.... the original version of the site didn't have a blog - I added it later - and rather haphazardly as well.... (is that a word? lol).  CLEARLY we can all see that my spelling and my grammar are well below par.... but again - I'm not a writter!  Just because I don't totally suck at it - doesn't mean I'm a professional  - or that I trained to be a writer.  hahaha. :)

I *DO* however, really enjoy the blog and more so - I enjoy the connection I have made with people and I feel VERY honored to have made those connections - that is a blessing.

One such connection is with Jim - he posted earlier - concerned that my blogs were out of 'order' - and he was right.  I sit down at the end of every day to write the blog post for TOMORROW morning... but - if I write a post for Wednsday morning that was published at 12:02AM and then I write Thursdays blog on Wednesday night but his publish BEFORE 12:01am Thursday morning - then the blog hosting software actually hides teh new blog under the previous blog because it puts the earliest one from that day first.

Confusing.... especially for someone who has NEVER really written a blog before.

So I sit down at night to write about the day - write about what happened and Jim pointed out that I'm writting as though it's happend NOW - TODAY - and it might be 4 am and that doesn't make much sense..... he was right.  I will *try* to be more careful to use the word 'yesterday' when I do mean yesterday.  lol - like I said, I'm *clearly* not a professional writer.

At the same time, I think that Jim felt - in the moment of his realization - that perhaps I'm a big fake/phony.  May be I'm just making sh*t up...... and honestly - I don't blame him one bit.

We've become a world where wanna be photographers STEAL images off established professional photographers websites and use them as their 'own' work in a portfolio for samples....we *live* in a world where I can *assure* you that Yoga Girls' friends' are telling her alllll kinds of crap and justifying to her what she did to me and making it 'ok'.

We've become - in many ways - a society where what's mine is mine and what's YOURS is mine - if I say it is.  I think in many respects we've devolved into a world where we value *things* more than we value *people* - things like 'fame' and money and cars and such.

I, too, would be LIVID pissed if I thought someone was duping me - tricking me with their fabricated lies and leading me down the primrose path of feeling foolishly connected to them and trusting them.  LIVID.

Sadly...... - and I'm being honest:  I wish I *was* lying.

I wish that this whole effing mess was alllll a lie.  I wish that Yoga Girl wasn't real.  I wish that my family was still one whole unit - living happily in our home  and that my children still had two parents under one roof who loved them. 

I wish I didn't know the pain I've known..... though I understand that there is worse pain - there is a pain I *never* want to know.... I most certainly wish I didn't know the pain of betrayal and abadonment.  I wish that I had not trusted a man for ten years with my thoughts, my fears, my body, my heart and inner most hopes and dreams.... only to have them smashed on the headboard of Yoga Girls bed.

But.  It's all true.  It could well be argued that my *perspective* on things might be shared by everyone around me or by El Capitan or Yoga Girl... but know this:  El Capitan does support the blog.  I have asked him several times -point blank - if he's uncomfortable with what I write or how I write it - asking him if he feels I missrepresent myself to readers....... he said no.

This - for the most part.... *is* me:  imperfect.

My spelling is a bit shite - though I do think it's getting better, yes? lol  and I not nearly as clear with my thoughts as I could be - and i do think like talk about 'today' when it's actually being read TOMORROW - which is confusing and a more seasoned writer would know the difference and get it right the first time. lol

But, this IS me.  Mind you- in my daily life I use c*nt and fbombs and b*tch like a Valley Girl uses 'like'.... like- a lot. hahahaha.  I try to clean that up a bit for ya'll... your welcome. :)

but aside from that - this is me.  I'm a fat, funny lady with a sassy sense of self-depreciating humor.  I'm sarcastic and sometimes rude..... mostly I'm funny.  El Capitan said he misses that the most - because I'm generally kind of fun to be around.... (or, I'm a delusional loud mouth bitch who everyone hates... again - it's all about perspective. :).

First and foremost, I try to be true to myself here.  I *do* leave out some details or change some people's names... but - this is me, warts and all.

I think Jim was right to point out my flaws and question whether or not they were cracks in a farce..... because I would much rather someone question my integrity so I have a chance to explain as opposed to assume and walk away.  Especially because what you don't see in the comments is that Jim has bought magnets - one early on and another recently - and he has sent me kind emails of support.  I appreciate that very much.

Regardelss of what anyone thinks - magnets, a donate button, etc - I do not want someone - *anyone* to think or suspect that I make sh*t up and tell 'stories' that aren't true - just to tell them.  I would rather someone speak up than leave feeling betrayed.......

I think it say's a lot about a person when we can openly question something - be open to an answer and move on.  Jim strikes me as a really good guy - so... I'm not at all surprised that he was able to do that with me and I was grateful for the opportunity to see his point of view and address the clarity of my writing.

In a strange way.... that's kind of why I still hold out hope for Yoga Girl.  That first night - when I was texting with her - when she found out I was talking to her, she was honest with me.

I asked her if they had had sex and she said yes - and told me where and when and how many times.  There was a sense of humility and she clearly understood it was wrong and said she was sorry.

At that point - El Capitan was still lying to me and saying he barely knew her..... really - he was telling me that it was just texting and flirting and she's telling me that he's saddled up to her all you can tuna taco buffet.

I do not care for Yoga Girl... but I do have respect for her for having told me the truth.

Since then her actions are less than stellar - but she also has El Capitan telling her whatever he tells her... so - you know- it is what it is... BUT - she was honest when many other peope would not have been.  Honesty goes a long way with me.

It seems like my honesty has gone a long way with many of you - so to speak - and I just wanted to say that the good, the bad and the ugly that I write on here *IS* what I live every day.  Plenty of my friends read this blog adn I should think a few of those mouthy hookers (inside joke) - would speak up if I was full of sh*t and lying to people. :)

Or at least I would hope they would.

This week has been a solid week.... the pain is still there - a bit like Dexter's 'Dark Passanger'- I kind of feel like it's always going to be there - just sitting there.  Occupying the space around me and waiting to take me over if I let it.... but I also feel like I have the will-power to keep it away.  Like, I can draw the boundaries in myself to move objectivity to the forefront and keep my Dark Passenger to the side.    I don't want to forget it's there because there is no much we can learn about ourselves from our pain... but I don't want to live in it anymore either.

I'm actually starting to think that I'm doing *too good* this week..... as though I'm just blindly walking along just *thinking* I'm happy and something will happen that will suck the good air out and the pain will come whooshing back taking over my life and my heart again.... like - that's going to happen - right?  I'm sure it is.

However.... this week is ending on a high note.  I'm proud of how I've worked with El Capitan this week - how I managed not to yell at him until his ears bled on the way to the title office. lol  Instead, I made my position on the situation clear without taking it that far - and you know what.... I think I'm a better Mom and person for it - at least today I am, anway.

This - all this... is me - the highs, the lows, the good and the ugly..... thanks for letting me be 'ugly' with you - and helping me find a way to those highs.... and then not resenting me when we hit those lows again.  I promise to keep it raw and real.... but you know - hopefully with less spelling is

It was so strange to get up yesterday and although my entire world has changed….. Nothing *seemed* different. The Boy woke up with a horrible stomach ache; he held his tummy and whimpered all morning snuggled in bed….. it was like he knew the world had changed and it’s wasn’t ‘sitting right’ with him.

Yeah, yeah… that *sounds* melodramatic – but no fever, no other symptoms and after a few hours and a wee nap, he was better and didn’t have any other symptoms all day.  

Strange.

The Boy already had a standing doctor appointment  –and El Capitan came with us.  I think that, on some level, I should be a bit proud of the fact that he and I can share the same air in a small space and I’m not tempted to throw him out of the moving vehicle. Lolol

I think that it’s good for the kids to see us together as well.  I used to hug him goodbye and say,“We love you, Daddy……” when he would leave. The counselor told me that I had to stop that because I wasn’t being honest anymore.  She said while I shouldn’t influence the kids and their feelings with my words, I also cannot
‘lie’ to them either.  They *know* something is happening and that it’s ‘bad’ for me – so trying to make it all
seem ‘normal’or the same on the surface will only teach them to pretend in life and won’t give them the tools to heal.

So while it’s not all rainbows and unicorns and lucky charms of happiness…. It’s pleasant.  We laugh at the kids being silly.  We talk about his work and what’s going on….. and *if* what I think is going to happen is going to happen… then you’ll *all* be finding out a lot more about his work. Lolol.  

We’ll see.

It appears… for the most part, that again – I’m only entitled to my personal opinions’ about my own life so long as I don’t dare cause ‘harm’ to any one’s bottom line. Rather sad if you ask me.

Anyhow….. it was normal. It was almost like our life was six months ago – BYG.  It was almost like it always was for the ten years we were married…. And I thought that that would make me cry.  I thought that I wouldn’t be able to hold it together.

A few times I had to pinch my middle finger between my thumbnail and my ring finger – I do this when I don’t want to cry.  I pinch really hard (I’ve drawn blood several times now… lol) – but the pain keeps me from crying about the other pain, so I consider it a good trade off.

Little bit of tooting again….. go f*cking me!  Look at that… shat alllll over my life and my dreams and ripped apart my heart – and there I sat like a normal, calm, human being capable of holding a polite conversation.

I should get a Gold Medal for that. Hahaha.

I think it was really really good for the kids though… I’m not sure what is in store for them with El Capitan – how much he’ll be around or not be around, etc.  Either way, they have to learn that people will let us down, they will hurt us and disappoint us BUT if they are people who play a key role in our lives – we will sometimes have to find a way to move forward with them.

Hopefully, there was some moving forward today.

The Bubbie had to run to the house because today the movers came to move my Noni’s piano.  Noni is my Godmother – she’s known me since I was born and she. is. amazing.

She’s a power house of strength and love – and she taught me how to buy a proper bra and how a bra that actually fits should make your boobs look.  THAT is the kind of advice any woman can use.  That’s my Noni for ya’.  The piano was her Mom’s and is from the early 1900’s and it’s beautiful.  One of my most prized possessions’ – and something The Girl loves to ‘play’.

Then The Bubbie had to measure and write down all the children’s heights from the trim around the kitchen door….. I had forgotten to do – and … being completely stupid, I only realized last night that having a PICTURE of the marking wasn’t actually going to tell me what the HEIGHTS were. Lol– so The Bubbie wrote down the dates and the inches one by one.

I have a few roses that I took from the garden the day before we signed – I’m going to put those in a frame so that I can hang it on the wall at our new home… one day – whenever that actually happens. Lol  I’ve always loved how they smelled – nestled right under the kitchen window, their sweet smells would float in on the win every once in a while in the summer…. I’m going to miss that.

I finally sat down to watch The Jeff Probst show last night…..I was bummed because the lady that was on before me ended up crying and taking up a wee bit of my ‘time’.  There were a few things that didn’t get covered in my segment – like that El Capitan knew about the sign and that the sign wasn’t about revenge. 
For those *not* reading the blog or the online articles, then they are quick to jump to other conclusions and send me nasty ass emails about how I suck as a mother, I’m clearly a raging b*tch and I’m…..wait for it…. Wait for it…. FAT.  

That gets so old. Lol  I’d much more appreciate a good, solid fat *joke* than just some boring observation. No – seriously – I really would. Lol

It’s curious to me though – that my weight becomes such an issue for people.  I’m a nice person… oh –don’t get me wrong – I’ve taken down *more* than a few t-mobile customer service agents….. and if I’m angry with you: You WILL know it.  You will know why and what for… and I will be more than happy to explain that to you
seven ways from Sunday and using colorful language.

But, aside from my Irish temper, I’m a pretty decent person.  I value friendship and family and charity and kindness and honestly and – above all else: my children.  When did that stop mattering to people?

When did we become a society that stopped caring about the *kind* of people we became?

Do people think that being heavy limits my ability to care about people?  To love?  Do people assume that because I’m heavy I’m lazy? Lol  Frankly…. *most* people couldn’t keep up with my lifestyle if they tried! I’m the only Mom I know who goes to bed after 1am almost every single night and is up and running before 8am the next day.  
 
Sometimes it seems like people think I’m *less* of a Mom or I was *less* of a wife because my butt might be a little bit (or, you know – a lot bit) bigger than someone else’s…….

Here’s the thing – sure, in a burning building I might not be the fastest b*tch to the EXIT door –but if I lose 50 pounds… I’m still the *same* Mom.  I’m still the *same* person.

I’m still proud to be me. Because fat or not… I sat in the car with El Capitan two days in a row and it was pleasant… actually – it was more than pleasant:  it was nice. As far as my kids are concerned – they are for more worried about the stability of their little world – not how much physical space I happen to take up in it.

A lovely card arrived from Noni yesterday – it contained gift card to Disneyland…. Which is AWESOME!!!! (THNK YOU NONI!!!!!!) I’ve got my eye on that prize and dammit… it’s GOING to happen! Lol  El Capitan said I can make a movie and put it on YouTube – of the kids going and stuff. He pointed out that people make movies about going to Disneyland all the time – and why shouldn’t I be able to do that and share that experience with our family and friends and some of the blog readers who have kindly helped make the trip possible?  YouTube is fulllllll of videos of people’s kids…. Can anyone tell me a good reason why I shouldn’t put one up?

I don’t know if you’ve noticed – but I have some really smart readers – lol – and they frequently give me good advice!  :)

Today went well and I’m going to go to bed just grateful for that.  Tomorrow I’m going to close the week with a story about my Jewish Grandma who Jeff Probst loves.   :)  Stay tuned….. 

So today was the day.  Today we SOLD the house.

I *thought* I would be happy.  I thought that this would help us all move on..... instead, I just feel like I've been running this race and instead of a finish line with a nice ribbon: there was a wall.

And I just hit it with g-force. (is it with g-force or *at* g-force?)

One *key* thing that a lot of people don't realize is the timeline of how all this came to be.  EXACTLY 5 months and THREE DAYS ago.... I was happily married.  I was blissfully unaware of Yoga Girl and her magic snatch that would suck my husband and take my life, my security and my childrens dotting father.  I was gleefully unaware of the fear, the sleepless nights, the crying children wanting to know why Daddy doesn't live with us anymore and the panic about our financial future that would soon be setting in.

More than that.... I was utterly unaware of what it felt like to truly be *betrayed*.  That gut-wrenching pain that takes over day and night and night and day..... until your eyes are nearly swollen shut and you feel like the world and all its contents are miles and miles and miles away and you are standing alone in any room marooned on an island of pain and no can reach you where you are.  There's a search party of well-meaing friends and family... but there isn't going to be a lifesaver big enough to save you from it all.

Five months and three days ago, I was still:  sleeping with the enemy.  I didn't know that the hand I was holding as my best friend and life partner would be the hand that would later be holding me down.

But now I know.... and guess what GI JOE .... Knowing was *not* half the battle. lol

In that time.... during those FIVE short months I have packed my home and moved its ten years of contents with the help of my parents and a few friends.  I have filed for divorce - ON MY OWN.  No lawyers needed. 

I saved us thousands of dollars.  I was *fair*.  I didn't ask for spousal.  I didn't make undue claims against El Capitan or his time.  I *gave* him a visitation schedule that works WITH his work schedule *and* only requires him to give me 24 hours notice for a weekly visits (he gets two per week as opposed to the usual one) and 48 hours notice for an overnight.  I have not kept him from his children ONCE.  I have called over and over and over to set up times for him to see them - if only for breakfast or a lunch. 

I have been angry and sad, livid and hysterical.  El Capitan has seen and *heard* it all.  Believe me. However.... don't think he hasn't been just as angry and livid right back.  He has.

I came up with a marketing campaign (that I thought was merely tongue-in-cheek clever) and set up a fantastic website to sell our family home..... and it went viral.  Which is an understatement.

With the media at our doorstep, El Capitan *and* I decided that I would be the only to face them.... alone.

The highs have been nice - a trip to New York, a trip to LA.... but the lows have been low. Very low-blows for the most part, from lovely people who post annonymously on yahoo or huffington.... or email me or call me.... or do all three.  Reminding me of my shortcomings as a wife - which clearly have to do with the girth of my plus-size jeans.  

Has anyone ever stopped to think about how some people *might* have otherwise reacted to SUCH HARSH words - especially in the midst of dealing with a cheating spouse?  As though *that* weren't hard enough?  As though *that* mere incident alone isn't enough to send most people running into counseling?  We had to add cyber-bullying to the list........?

But, I weathered that storm:  alone.

I have had two kids to continue to raise and try to help heal through all this.... and a business to try to keep running (done a piss poor job of that as several of my clients will tell you because there just aren't enough hours in the day to keep up with everything).

In the end.... I got divorced.  Started a marketing campaign that brought nearly two million people to my website.  Sold my home.  Packed my home.  Moved out.  Packed up El Capitan's stuff - moved *that* out  and into storage for him.  Started a new business.  Appeared on several talk shows, did over a hundred interviews and.... *almost* saved/squirrled away and stored up enough money to take my kids to Disneyland. Oh - and I'm down 32 pounds - the HEALTHY way, still eating normal food and the right amount of it, thank you.

And I'm still here.... bitches. lololol  I thought this might kill me - the sheer pain of the betrayal.

But it didn't.

I thought that I just couldn't bend anymore under the weight of it all..... but I did.  I lost my temper a few times.... but let's be fair:  wouldn't you?  Just *once* or *twice* at least?

I didn't tell anyone who El Capitan is.  I kept the secret of who Yoga girl is - though, I should tell you all that she
totally does not appreciate this. lololol.  She doesn't think they have done anything wrong... she *still* doesn't think she broke up my marriage.  bwahahahaha.  Brings new meaning to the old saying:  Young, Dumb and full of ......  you get the idea.

Oh yeah - I went there.  Sassy tonight, I am.

Inspite of it all..... I made it.  I'm still here.  I'm still standing.  But MORE than that..... I'm still *living*.

I'm still laughing and loving and *enjoying* my life.... because I have nice friends, nice parents, perfect kiddos and frankly....... I *still* have a nice life.  

Why?  How?  

Because I f*cking said so, *that's* how.   lololol.

Today I drove to pick up El Capitan - it was 30 mintues downtown to the title company, a ten minute wait for the lady - all filled with the life we *had* Five Months and Three Days ago:  stories about work, people at work, the challenges of work.  There was laughing and shared ideas..... conversation.

I managed to get through it all - and I never said one. nasty. thing:  not one.

At one point, seated at the conference table facing a wall of large windows - which oddly only look out onto a parking lot... depressing.... - the title person got up to get some paperwork and I looked at El Capitan and said, "Ten years down the drain... we've lost everything and here we sit to sign away our home:  was it worth it?"

Thin, a little pale and tired.... El Capitan looked out the window and simply said, very quietly, "No..... it was not."

I could see the reflection of our hands on the shiny top of the table.  Close - connected by paper and pens and activity in the reflection.... but not connected on top.  A window to what was, while I was living in the 'what is'.

We signed our papers, got our very measly, measly 'profits' and we left.  Inside I was crying out for all the things that will never happen in the house... my lillies now belonging to someone else... The Girl's Room - gone and painted over.

Today I didn't just sign away the title to my home - I signed away the dreams I had for my happy little family in that home. 

And then, as though my day weren't hard enough - I was hit with another round of cyber fun because my Jeff Probst show aired..... Mr. Probst did a lovely job... still think my makeup was heavy. lol - but I am very grateful to the AMAZING team of producers who brought my story to life.  Thank you so much. 

However, then followed the usual rounds of support and negativity:  I'm a bad Mom, I'm using my family to make money - I want to be famous... lololol.  that one makes me laugh every time.  Or - the best one is - that I *planned* this and I *want* all this attention.  The truth is that I'm just trying to do the best I can to make
vodka out of lemons.... if I'm doing it wrong:  I'm sorry.  If anyone feels "betrayed" or that I'm doing anything "for the money" - then I appologize, because that really could not be any further from the truth.

I turned down MORE shows than I took.  I HAVE NOT taken the offers from marketing firms who want to sell me all these ads to run on my blog - which *would* provide income for me and the kids.... but, I *really do* take seriously the connections I have made on this blog.  It doesn't matter if that was one person or twenty people or a thousand people:  I don't take those connections, those comments and emails and thoughtful words of advice
lightly.  AT ALL.  I'm not going to "sell' that connection for anything.  Period.  I value the stories that people have shared with me waaaaay too much for that.  (I think google ads is somehwere on here?  but that has to do with the hosting thingy.... and I hear that 90% of the time that ads are cut-off anyway. lol)

However, today I had yet *more* requests for a 'donate' button.  I have put off doing that for the last few
months... people have been asking for a while now.  I always politey decline their kind offers because frankly:  I do not feel worthy.  AT ALL.  I really really really don't. 

I don't think I'm perfect, or that I'm without fault, or that I haven't done things wrong..... not at all.

Today was a hard, hard day.  And when a few more people were asking where they could send a donation... well, I added the donation button.  I know that there will be people *totaly* offended by this.  TOTALLY put off by this.  They might even stop reading the blog.... I think it's a bit trashy, myself.  If I'm being honest.

At the same time though..... it *does* take time to write these blogs - and hundreds and hundreds of people a *day* are reading them.  I don't get paid.  I don't get money for interview or being on TV or anything... so if a few nice people want to throw me $10 to make it easier for me to do something for the kids - then, what's the *harm* in that?  Should readers or the public at large feeling cheated or betrayed by that?

I'm not raking in the millions.  I'm not rolling around in a new BMW, wearing my $300 jeans and gettin' my hair did'..... I'm still just me:  single Mom, two kids, Mazda 5, trying *really* hard to find a way to earn a living to support us, though -  I've recently replaced my $20 Wal-Mart jeans with a $13.99 pair from ROSS that is one size DOWN from the previous pair.  Woohoo!!!!!

I'm still the same me I was Five Months and Three Days ago... only one size smaller.  

I appologize now to anyone who thinks adding a 'donate' now button was wrong/rude/bad.... but I'm not going to get everything right.... I can't make everyone happy.  Sorry. :(

My focus has to be on making my kids happy.... it *has* to be.  And YES - selfishly - a huge part of that immediate plan is taking them on the family trip to Disneyland that I was planning when I found out about Yoga Girl.  And, it's about paying for school fees for The Boy and dance class for The Girl and putting away money
to try and figure out if I'm going to go back to college to earn a trade that I can support us on.  It's also about making things work with El Capitan so that my kids can see their Dad. 

So that my kids can live through and learn that life lesson that sometimes people just effing suck.  Sometimes people do very, very bad things to us.  And sometimes... those people aren't strangers:  they are the people who love us the most.  

Whether I tell them the truth, or they grow up finding out the truth on their own.. or they read it one a sign, it doesn't really matter *what* the kids know - it matters *how* they deal with it.  It  matters how they process it and how they get past it.  

It's important that they know that Five Months and Three Days after the worst day of your life, you *can* sit next to that person, laugh with the person and make *life* still work with that person for the betterment of everyone - and that you'll be a happier, better person for having done that.  Because, they'll have seen their Mother do
it.

May be they will grow up to resent their Dad for what he's done... may be they'll resent me for 'making' the sign.....?  I can't guess the future, I can only try really really really hard to give them the tools they need to accept the things and make the most of what they *do* have. 

But most importantly:  teach them to be happy with that.  That's what I've had to learn - just learn to be happy with what I have and work hard to make things as better as I can make them.

Five Months and Three Days later..... I'm still standing, still happy and donation button or not.... funny sign or not.... cheating husand or not.... I think that's pretty damn good.

(toot toot - that's the sound of me tooting my own horn.... Who shed 31 pounds, a cheating husband, sold a
house, made a funny signfound 'cyber fame' and has two thumbs......? 
THIS GIRL - proudly points at herself.... lolololol)

Hmm...... so today is filled with all kinds of mixed responses... the usual - you're a fat ass and deserve to be shot.... and then the ever so kind - you're doing a good job and keep going....

More importantly, there have been nearly a dozen requests for a 'donation' button to be added to the site.  I was asked about this before and I have VERY mixed feelings.....  I think it's selfish and rude to have a 'donation' button.  I think it's not the right thing to do.

However, as several emails have mentioned, there are people who identify with my journey and want to do something nice - so why not let them?  I'm touched and grateful JUST that people FEEL like they want to 'donate' something to my life - that's awesome all in itself.  It really require's nothing more than that. 

Honestly.

At the same time, there's no harm in putting a button on the site - so I'm putting it here.  Feel free to donate, I can use that money towards things for the kids and school fees and whatnot.  I WILL NOT be upset at all if no one donate's a single dime... in fact, I can think of thousands of people and dozens more worthy organizations who could use donations...... but as my friend has pointed out to me - it's not for me to decide how people should spent *their* money. lol


******* THE DONATE BUTTON HAS BEEN REMOVED SO AS NOT TO CONFUSE ANYONE WITH THE MOMS CLUB FUNDRAISER FOR THE SANDY HOOK MEMORIAL PLAYGROUND********** :)

And ... no REALLY - before some of you jump up and down about my making a 'fat joke' - check out the clip first! lolol.... I sat on the couch at more of an angle towards Jeff and the camera comes around and I look - realy really big... lolol.  And - my make up is a bit too dark.... but ok well.

When this whole thing erupted I got lots of offers.... Dr. Phil, Anderson Cooper and a few others... but - I took The View and then I took Jeff Probst.  I've never watched Survivor - more of a Big Brother kind of gal, myself... but - I knew that El Capitan and I didn't need "saving" and I assumed Dr. Phil would try to do that......

I went with The Jeff Probst show because it was a new - he's new to a daytime chat format and I thought I would give him a chance. 

First - let me tell you that you (we) the viewer have NO IDEA how much work goes into making a TV show!  There are hours and hours and hours and several levels of producers to go through before a show even gets made.  Interview after interview - and then flights and hotels and all kinds of stuff.....

A few weeks before the show they sent out a crew to the house to film the kids and I (El Capitan gave his permission) and do a piece for my segement.  They filmed for almost *8* hours!!!! For a whopping minute of film... lol.  Really - I'm shocked at how expensive it is to make a TV show!

They let me bring one friend to LA for the taping of the show and I took Jenny-Jen-Jen.  She's been through alot with me - and it was hard to choose just *one* friend.... when really all my friends have been amazing and supportive.  I also got to invite my cousin a few of her friends to the taping.  My cousin has been REALLY supportive as well - texting me all the time trying to make sure I was doing ok and always checking up on me, so I thought that that was a neat perk.

Jenny-Jen-Jen and I got to take a Virgin flight down to LA and we stayed at a hotel on the strip!  We went sight seeing and walked around Sunset Strip at night - honestly.... it was fantastic fun.

Taping day was.... strange.  My producers were AWE.SOME.  Really, so kind and patient and always helping me with everything.  These nice ladies organize your travel and hotel and literally hold your hand through the whole process - but - when you think about many different guests they have on EACH show - these women run themselves ragged to bring you and I quality TV. 

I really cannot say enough about them.  Nor could I ever possibly thank them enough.

We got to meet Jeff's wife - she's lovely, really pretty and very friendly.  I was.... less than excited about the make-up department.... they totally burned my hair, made it all super "straight" which doesn't realy work with my hair so ..... it just looks as fried as it was. lol  And my make up.... was dark and... brownish?  I was pretty bummed about that, if I'm being honest.  I think I looked much better on The View.

So, tomorrow - at 11am West Coast time - "my" episode of The Jeff Probst Show airs.  There are three of us with "bad breakups" - Eddie Cibrains ex-wife and another lady who put videos about her husband on YouTube years ago.... and then me.  I don't really know how they will edit my segment together......

Being on TV is hard.... I have enjoyed it - most of it.  But.... tomorrow will start a new onslaught of negative comments and  I grow tired of that..... I grow tired of being the only one falling on this sword:  alone.

I've had enough of alone dammit.  lol

Something must have happened today - I'm not sure what.... but the phone was ringing off the hook with interview requests and stuff- strange... and the website jumped 3x it's normal amount of visitors.  I couldn't find anything on the web that was new - but something must be out there....

Tomorrow will be more phone calls and possibly a few more requests.... mostly - I hope I sell a few magnets and REALLY - I hope that it help Bitter House Productions get some jobs.

LOTS of people are always telling me how 'clever' the sign was and people are just *so sure* that this will result in some kind of work for me.... but blogging doesn't pay - and being a single mom doesn't pay (but that's only because the grocery store won't accept my bank of snuggles as any kind of payment for food)  - and with the studio gone I'm limited on the kind of photography that I can do.

So, here I sit... hoping that Bitter House takes off and that it takes off enough to help support the kids and I - but I'm begining to think it's wishful thinking..... for the first time in many, many year I'm feeling like I can't make a go of any business.  Perhaps that's a bit of a message though - and I need to be taking more time for the kids and less time working.  I need to spend more of my time investing in them and not in my bank account but that's sooooo hard to do. 

i'm freakin' scared.  I have NO IDEA how I'm going to pay my bills.  I have no idea how we're going to be able to move out on our own again... or get back into some kind of life on our own.  I'm scared about not being able to homeschool anymore.... THAT is the hardest thing to think about having to give up.

I LOVE homeschooling.  I LOVE spending all day with the kids and learning with them and playing with them.  Giving that up to work full time just to live in a small apartment nad BARELY make ends meet..... it doesn't seem like a super awesome trade-off, but one I know millions of single parents are making everyday.

I'm not special that way, and I know that.  This, again, is a First World Problem... but for me it's my most heartbreaking one.

So, A LOT of my single mommy eggs are in this new basket - Bitter House.  We'll see if it takes off or not..... if it doesn't it's back to square one.  That's the only thing I don't like about TV - it's a 6 minute segment and it isn't time to cover everything.... there isn't time to show people how much it all hurts and how hard it all is.  With some people, I get judged for that. 

So - tomorrow - you can see me look E.NOR.MOUS on Jeff Probst - and then we can all chat about it... hehehe.

Tomorrow is a big day for other reasons, but I will blog about that tomorrow.... OH - and El Capitan employer sent me a fancy letter..... good times.... good times.

I knew this day was coming. 

I wanted it to come.... it must be a bit like having some kind of tumor - right?  There's this really bad thing in your life or your body and you *have* to cut it out.  It *HAS* to be gone if you're gonig to heal and thrive and survive..... but, to cut it out, you have to have surgery - there has be a severing of something.

So, then for a while... the threat to your life and your happiness and your future isn't the growth or the tumor of the bad thing that has invaded you:  it's the severing of it.

This weekend was all about severing and it sucked.

If I'm being totally honest... and when am I not?  I was useless.  I was a crying, blubbering, swollen face mess. 

My Mom and I did almost all of the packing in July before we put the house on the market, so a lot of stuff was already done.  I had two friends Jenny-Jen-Jen and Miss Chloe who came with their moral husbands who are nice guys who don't eff over their wives..... - and they moved out most of the house in shifts on their days off.

It goes without saying... I have nice friends.

Saturday started out with promise - my very best friend and soul mate - Lashla is my nickname for her - sent the kids and I a gift card to Disneyland Resort to help us get there.  It was ... humbling and amazing and kind and .... had me in all kinds of happy tears.  Lashla and I have been friends 15 years.  FIFTEEN YEARS!  She paid for my bridal bouquet when I married El Capitan.  She loves me for me... always has, always will.  She also happens to love Disneyland as much as I do.... lolol

I still cannot believe she did that.

Then we had to go to our friends first daughters birthday - which was a whoooot!  Complete with an adorable owl theme!  The kids had fun playing with their family dog and it made me realize that perhaps, down the road, I should think about adding a small pup to our family line-up.  The Boy was especially thrilled to throw a stick and have the dog return it over and over and over.... a built in best-friend.  Probably something The Boy could really use.

Then, once the party was done, it was time to return to our home for the last time and remove the rest of our stuff.  All the stuff that we had left for staging - The Boys room, The Girls Room.....

It was really The Girls room that had me sitting on the floor sobbing.  I was trying to take apart her bed.  In her room there was an area that used to be a closet, but instead held perfectly, as though it was made just for her room, this wonderful day bed from Ikea.  The bed had been a gift from another friend who went through something similar to me - only it was years ago and it was El Capitan and I movign *her* out of her house and into apartments and whatnot.

She recently brought up how El Capitan had said *plenty* to say when her husband when he left them, cheating and what not... and now, here *I* sit, relying on friends to help me move because El Capitan left us.

I'll be honest... there's been waaaaay too much irony in my life as of late.  I'm over it. Alanis Morrisette can have it all.... irony sucks.

So, I was trying to take the bed apart and the screw was stuck and I was mad and sad.... really, really, really sad.  So I sat on the floor crying so hard that everyone else left the house one by one after knocking on the door because ... well, there's just something about hearing someone in that kind of pain - it's hurts the listener, too.  I tried not to try, I've been doing really well lately - but it was all just too too much and I broke down.

Sadly.... my poor, wonderful buyers were there to help me move stuff.  I haven't talked much about them, but they are truly wonderful people.  Really.  I'm so blessed they are buying my house - I cannot imagine anyone else living there.  It actually helps me deal with the loss, it helps me accept it - because I know how much they love the house and how happy they are going to be living there.

However... I think listening to me wringing out what was left of my broken heart, I think that that was hard for them and I felt very bad that they saw that. Inspite of that, they knocked softly on the door, asked if they could get me anything and then kept on moving things to the UHaul and taking out trash and doing all the heavy lifting with my Dad.

Needless to say.... I have nice buyers.

My Mom cleaned the kitchen and all the rooms while my Dad loaded and loaded and loaded the truck.  My parents have been picking up the slack of El Capitan for a long time, as far as they are concerned - so while they are somewhat accustomed to it - they don't enjoy it.  Still... they are always there for me no matter what to make things better for me and the kids.

I'm very very lucky to have such nice parents.

Jenny-Jen-Jen and her family and our friend Miss Cheryl all came to help pack and load as well.  Which was amazing because those two gorgeous ladies had already given up their Girls Night Out on Thursday to help me pack and move stuff in our cars to the storage unit on Thursday night.  I had been on a scrapbooking retreat with those lovely ladies the weekend I came home to find out about everyone's favorite homewrecking 22 year old.... my FIRST "vacation" away from kids - EVER.  Unreal.

Jenny-Jen-Jen has had a ring side seat to this chaos and heartbreak since day one.  Thankfully.... my uber puffy eyes, zombie-like stares, tendancy to cry and general anger haven't budged her even one inch from that side.. and I am very grateful for that. 

I have very, very nice friends.

The Boy was alllll over the map.  He was crying over so many things as they were loaded into the truck.  Silly things like the Superman stickers on his dresser:  he *HAD* to have them.  He was sobbing when he saw them leaving.  So I pulled them off the dresser.  Then he was crying over certain toys... so I pulled them off the storage truck.  It seems that at some point during the day I pocket dialed El Capitan and he was inadvertantly left a voicemail message of The Boy sobbing about things.... and get this:  El Capitan was *annoyed* at me!!!!

I guess it's ok for our buyers, my family and our friends to bear witness to emotional devastation of losing our home - but El Capitan had better not be bothered with it?  Sorry dude.... sorry you got a 30 second clip of what my ENTIRE F*CKING DAY WAS LIKE..... I sure as sh*t hate to inconvience you. 

Then.... things went south and I LOST. MY. SCHMIDT.  big time.

I was screaming and yelling and dropping fbombs like a World War II pilot flying low over Berlin..... and like any good pilot at emotional war:  I did not spare the women, the children or the innocent in my rampage.....

I wasn't very proud of myself.  I'm still not.

Sometimes there's just only so much one person can take.  In retrospect, I shouldn't have been there.  I shouldn't have been around nice, caring, kind people who only wanted to help.  I should have been there alone - to say good bye and digest the reality of losing my home:  alone.

I was not very nice to my  buyers, my parents.... or my friends.

It wasn't on purpose, and I didn't really scream *at* anyone, just kind of .... *around* everyone.  Filling the air with my copious amounts of anger and pain and grief.... oh, the grief.  Making the air thick with obscenities and tears, it wasn't a very nice way to thank them for their time and hard work and support.    It was rude.

I let the kids jump on the bed as high at they could go.... it's headed to the dump (courtesy of my neighbor) - so I didn't care if it damaged it or not.  That bed was handed down to us from El Capitan's Grandpa nine years ago... for a while it went to live with his brother and the wife his brother cheated on and deserted.  when he ditched his wife and moved on with his pregnant mistress, we traded beds with the ex-wife because she could fit her babies crib in her room if she had a smaller bed.

She warned me at the time that that bed had bad 'mojo' and we should burn it.... we probably should have.

Stupid bed.

So the kids jumped and jumped and we laughed and snuggled one last time on the bed that I nursed them both on (when they born... *not* nurning them now - lol) - and it made me sad to know that we won't be sleeping on that bed anymore.  It's a silly thing.... I know.  A First World problem for sure.... but, it still made me sad.

I tried to keep it together.... I really did.  But I lost it...... I cried about being on the edge, about the pain and I yelled a bunch when a well-meaning friend was carrying a poorly assembled shelf unit and it broke (note the poorly assembled part) - and I wasn't mad about the shelf or the friend.... iwas JUST MAD.  And at the same time, I felt horrible - even in the moment - because I knew it was wrong and I was likely damaging my friends feelings when they were only trying to help.  How ungrateful I would seem.... even though the reality is that the ONLY thing pulling me through the day - forcing me to move forward, was the support of my friends, buyers and family who were holding me up and ever so gently helping me to move forward.

Like  said... I wasn't very nice.

So, now my home stands empty.  My studio stands empty..... empty and alone.  So, my house and I have a little something in common right now. lol

I called El Capitan - to see when he was going to see the kids... to talk about a new school homeschool program for The Boy.... I told him that I'm very very very angry with him.  That it's not fair that we lose everything and he never gave me a chance to try to save it.... he never tried to save it himself.  But I told him that I'm trying to keep the angry ex-wife at bay - and keep the needs of My Kids Mom at the forefront.  My Kids Mom wants things to run smoothly with My Kids Dad, she wants harmony and happiness for her children and the adults who love them.  However, it's hard when El Capitan's Ex-wife is hurting so much.  It's a daily struggle.

Finaly though, the day came to an end.  The last pieces of my life were loaded into a storage unit and a giant door rolled down and locked them inside.  I stood outside the door and wondered if I threw my anger, my pain, the grief and the fear into the unit next to the children's painting easel and The Girls dismantled bed - if I could close the door quick enough to lock that all inside.... lock it away from me. 

If I could pull down the rolling door and sever those emotions, leaving them on the otherside.

Everyone keeps telling me that when G*d closes a door, He opens a window.  While I know that I certainly can't tell G*d what to do - and I know it's important to wait on His time and His plan...... well, to be blunt - the mask isn't dropping down fast enough - I'm running out of air and if something doesn't happen - I might just cut my own way out. lol

Last night as I snuggled with my two babies I thought about all the things we lost.... and then I considered all the things we've gained:  love, support, friendship and understanding of our friends, our family, our buyers.... and each other. 

All in all.... I have a nice family, nice buyers and nice friends.... which all add up to having a very nice lif

So I *had* a blog post here.... because it appears that El Capitan's boss reads my blog.
Frankly, I have a lot to say to that person about the pressure I feel they put on El Capitan and it's VERY negative affect it had on my family.... but I was advised by a regular reader to take it down for some (I thought) possibly valid reasons.

Free speech only 'applies' when you aren't going to possibly damage a company's market share, obviously.  lol

It's ironic to me that while I've essentially 'lost' my job - having to pack up the studio and sell the home where I made a living.... I *still* have to protect and be worried about El Capitan losing his job. 

Or possibly even a large company suing me for potentially making their company look bad by my revelations.... well, that's ok because I don't have a pot to piss in, and I only have a family members window to throw it out of at the moment.  so.... be my guest. 

This week has been hard.... but oddly enough, I haven't cried nearly as much as I have.  It's been brutal to pack up all my props and think about all the various babies that have used them.  It's really saying goodbye to a bit of a era for me..... I really love my clients and following them and their babies as they go to pre-school is one of the highlights of my "job".  Losing the baby studio is heartbreaking for me.

But yeah - we don't want to affect any large companies stock share.  THAT would be a tragedy - and potentially a legal issue too?

Isn't that *remotely* funny to anyone but me?  People always talk about 'what's gone wrong' in our society... and *THAT* RIGHT THERE is what has gone wrong.  We've stopped caring about PEOPLE and we've long ago stopped looking at the consequences of our actions and we sure as sh*t don't take responsibility for those consequences.

I read a survey recently and it suggested that many people who happen upon the scene of an accident, or an injured person - they often choose NOT to stop and help because they fear being 'blamed' for the injury and sued.

What?

Is *that* the world as live in..... just - watch as the entire place burns itself down but no one wants to grab a hose because they might later be sued for causing 'water damage'?  Seems that way.

So inspite of how I may or may not feel El Capitans job might have negatively affected my family - I won't talk about it here.  BTW - Mr. BOSS MAN - you should know that I have NEVER posted El Capitan's name or the name of the company - and I won't.  just fyi......

It seems, sometimes, like we just don't care anymore about *PEOPLE*.

I was living in the UK when Princess Diana died.... it was tragically sad.  I don't know how many days I cried - seeing her pictures and more and more stories.  Sure, I didn't *know* her, but like millions and millions of people I was touched by her kindness and her willingness to help others.  I was inspired - like zillions of people - by the selfless example she set in trying to *do* things to bring about awareness to the IDEA of being *kind*. 

She showed a frightened 90s world that holding the hand of a person with HIV/AIDS - wasn't going to make you sick, wasn't going to kill you... but *was* going to provide comfort to someone who might need it.

She truly was the Princess of the People.

I remember vividly the photos of the boys being pulled from school and told the news, I remember their stoic faces walking behind her casket - still doing their duty and ... still following theith Mother's example and shaking the hands of the thousands and thousands who lined the street to see their Princess and show thier support for her beloved sons.

As if losing their Mother isn't enough.... NOW - NOW we print pictures of Prince Williams wife - topless?

Seriously?

Frankly - I do not find it all interesting to know that Kate Middleton has tits.  I'm sure she has them - in fact, she also two legs, two arms, glorious brown hair, two eyes, a bum, two feet..... I don't need to see 'photographic proof' of this...... I just assume all her parts are there and in 'working' order.  Mind you - it's NONE of my business if they aren't....

But -  *WHY* would someone publish that?  What good does that do anyone?

The Duchess... wait - she's a Duchess -right?  Indeed she is The Duchess of Cambridge - so she sunbathes on private property topless.... who gives a sh*t?  Oh... and by the way she does this with her AMAZING body and in the company of her Prince.

HER PRINCE.  She's very much like a bit of a Cinderella - again... someone the people can relate, too.  Someone married for love who wants to serve the people of the United Kingdom, and for her troubles, she gets some sleezy magazine to post pictures of her topless?

It's a shame really.

We have to stop trading on PEOPLE for money.  Haven't the two Princess' lost enough?  Is it at all justified that they should lose any more......?  Not at all.

So ...... I took down my post because even though I am upset, even though *I* have lost everything... I recognize that my losing things doesn't mean I would want other people to lose out as well.  No, I wouldn't want people to rally up and boycot a business (Kristen Stewart is exempt from this statement, lol) - because that business employs many, many people and I wouldn't want the public finding out who El Capitan is to cause them harm inadvertantly.  That doesn't seem fair.... how many single parents support a family working for said company at large... right? 

The greater good should always outweigh our personal good.  That's just my two cents.

This has been ONE. ROUGH. WEEK.

The buyers (who I simply *adore*) came back with a list of repairs and things to do..... which was mostly done by me, my Mom and the neighbor kid.

Let me tell you ... it's very humbling and amazing to be touched by so much kindness.  The Neighbor Kid is a sweet, sweet boy - I've known him since he was in middle school.  The Grandson of our neighbors, if you saw him with his long board, collection of tattered hoodies, ripped jeans and swished hair - you might assume other things about him. 

He's had the odd (and somewhat usual) school issue's - and every time I've ridden him harder than his own parents... lol - yelling at him about his grades, skipping and stuff like that.  However, I've always been quick to give him money to take his girlfriend to dinner or to do odd jobs around the house.

When I see him - I don't see some 'skater kid' - I see the 14 year old boy who, when his Grandma died of cancer, climbed the tree in front of his Grandparents house and cried so loud and so hard, I could hear him with my doors and windows shut.  My broke into a thousand pieces for him.  Cancer sux.

So, off and on, I've been quick to dole out the advice and the yelling and support - more so than your average neighbor, I suppose... but I see so much unnoticed potential in this kid. 

When El Capitan left - The Grandfather came over after a week or so and asked what was going on... to this day, I swear he got all teared up when I told him the news.  He was shocked and sad... said he *never* would have thought that El Capitan would do this to us.

Then, he looked around the outside of my house and told me he's send his Grandson over to help with the repairs I would have to do to sell the place..... repairs? Sh*t - I could barely crawl out of bed and this guy wants me to think about house repairs? hahaha

The Neighbor Kid has been over ... A LOT.  Doing weeding and fixing gutters and packing and doing storage runs and he doesn't even want me to *pay* him!!!!  Of course I do - how the hell else is he going to take his girlfriend to Red Robin? lol.... so I pay him and I'm happy to do it because I'm happy to have his willing help.

Today, feeling the stress of the last week, feeling desperate and sad and depressed to be packing up my studio.... I'm just running a bit out of the steam.  The Neighbor Kid seeing this offered to call all his friends and have them come over and help me move the rest of us out.  I told him there was no way I could afford that - at all.  No way.  He assured me that his friends would do it for free - that he would work out 'paying them back' later - but it wouldn't cost me a dime.

Of course, I'm not going to do that.... however, what an AMAZING world we live in.

While this has been the worst time of my life (since the discovery of Yoga Girl and on) - it has also been incredibly, humblingly brilliant.  I feel almost overwhelmed by the kind words and kind acts of others - many of whom are total strangers!!!!

I'm so lucky..... truly.  I always knew how blessed I was to have my kids and I *LOVED* my life.  Really - any of my friends or anyone who was on my facebook page BYG can tell you:  I loved my life.  Full stop.  I was happy  and I loved my life and my family more than anything.

Losing that - losing pieces of that - has been soul destroying.  There were times that I thought the anger would literally eat me from the inside out.... I wondered if or WHEN I would finally wake up and the pain would be gone - this intense pain I had never known that swarmed and took over my entire body. 

Everything hurt so badly.

And then I made (what I thought) was a funny sign and we put in our yeard to sell our home.... and BOOM.  For better or for worse - the world knew who I was and my world imploded.

What has happened since has been.... mind blowing.  The outpouring of love and support and the acts of kindness are.... a blessing.  Everywhere I turn, I see:  Kind People.

All of this was never my intention, and I'm not sure I've handled it all the 'right' way... but I could not be more honest when I tell you lucky I feel.

My life is brimming over with wonderful friends and a fantastic family, a WORLD of kindness has been shown to me - and I'm so NOT worthy of it... truly.  NOT. WORTHY. But there it is..... The Neighbor Kid stepping up and offering himself and his friends.... for free.

How can I *NOT* be exploding from the kindness that has literally filled my life?

I know there are many, many detractors out there - and I do read their emails and comments - but they mean nothing.... 

I'm so grateful, grateful to the people in my life who have helped me and grateful to everyone who reads this blog and comments and stuff.... I'm sure it won't last forever - lol... but I'm pretty sure I've felt and recieved enough kindness to last me a lifetime..... and I just want to say, thank you.  :)

This journey is nowhere near over - and I'm not at all done blogging.... hahahaha.  But today, I was just struck by how incredibly lucky I am - and I'm not sure I've ever said thank you enough to all the people who have shown me such amazing kindness and bought a magnet and such....

so tonight I had to bed to snuggle my sweet babies and for the first time in a looooong time, I might actually *explode* - but for a change, it's only from gratitude.

Today is short.... well, actually today was loooooong.

There was a list of repairs to make to the house .... and *who* you might ask has to do these repairs?

Me. and my Mom and my Dad.

El Capitan has to work.

So.... hanging doors, painting doors, making small repairs, digging ditches allll around the house and spending over 7 - SEVEN - hours repairing cracks in cement....... mostly, all *ME*.

grrr......

Looking back through clear eyes - it's always been this way.  There's a real lack of 'pride' about our home, our family - that I see in El Capitan now.  It makes me sad.  and angry.  Especially working for the third day in a row in 80 degree heat.....

I'm tired, very tired, and while I'm grateful that El Capitan works to pay the mortgage - this blog post is going to be short and without wishing any disrespect I have only this to say:

The next time I get married (by then hell will have frozen over) - I'm going to marry a MAN.

Because frankly.... if I'm going to have to *be* the man in the relationship again - then I'll just marry a woman with boobs because that *has* to be more fun that this.

And yes  - I have already said this to El Capitan. 

No really.

 And again... I mean *no* offense to same sex couples everywhere.....