To The Boy & The Girl,

This is your Mom.

Your Mom who loved, loved, loved all things Bell Biv Devoe, Madonna, Sheila E., Prince and many others…. by the time you read this, these artists will be as old as dinosaurs and their scantily-clad bodies that gyrated and rubbed and threw The Bubbie and The Papa into an absolute uproar with have become about as "racy" as doing 'The Twist' (look that up - it's a thing).

I hope in your day there is some artist - some Miley Cyrus type - who is growing and pushing the boundaries of music and dance …. and I hope they are doing dance moves that make me blush while wearing clothes that make me want to cover your eyes and singing about things that I completely *fear* actually have to talk with you about (sex…. which, I will quickly turn to Salt & Peppa to advise you on.  Look them up, too.)

You see as of late a current pop star Miley Cyrus did a dance that people are calling "dirty" and disgusting and she did it on the VMA's.  (The Video Music Awards is hosted by MTV - which, did in fact kill 'the radio star' and I find myself wondering what will kill the 'video star'…. )  The world, the media, social media and water coolers at work have been abuzz with what a "slut" Miley is - how she has "no self esteem" and bloggers are writing "letters to their children" about how they hope their kids don't grow up to be like Miley.  And how their kids shouldn't "grow up to act like Miley."

Well…. fuck that.

I hope you grow up *EXACTLY* like Miley Cyrus…. and let me tell you why:

If you grow up and look up to Hollywood starlets and singers as 'mentors' and not as the entertainers they intend to be …. then I have failed you.

If you grow up believing that the *only* way you can get a boy or girl's attention is by rubbing your ass up into their junk (this is called "twerking" - look that up, too) - ….. then I have failed you.

If you grow up searching for your self-esteem in the reflection of someone on TV or the radio…. and *not* within yourself…. then I have failed you.

If either of you becomes someone who thinks wearing skin tight and skimpy clothes is the only way to attract the affection and attention of someone of the opposite (or same) sex…. then I have failed you.

If you are so ill-informed and under-educated that you form political and personal opinions based on song lyrics or the opinions of people who are *paid to entertain you* and not *educate* you…. then I have failed you.

If you grow up mouthing the words to a song which is sung for *fun* and *entertainment* and you then live out these lyrics….. for instance the current Blurred Lines lyric ……"give you something to tear your ass in two….." - and take them to be a literal way to have sex or live your life ….. then I have failed you.

Side Note To The Boy:  Your penis, your hands, your *person* is there to love, caress and show passion with respect (and consensual ) care to the human being you decide to be intimate with.  Your body should never be used to "tear" anything on *anyone*. EVER.  If I have not taught you respect women and that even though you might hear a funny song that is great to dance too…. there are NO FUCKING BLURRED LINES when it comes to a man or woman's consent to be intimate with you.  No means no.  

If I haven't taught *either* of you that "good girls" are not actually "wanting it"…. then I have failed you miserably.  Totally. Utterly. Miserably.

If I haven't taught you to take your personal health seriously and how to protect yourself against HIV, HPV and HSV…. then I have failed you and I will never, ever forgive myself.

If I haven't taught you the difference between *entertainment* and *education*… then I have failed you.

If you grow up setting the 'due North' on your own personal Moral Compass in the direction of promiscuity and drinking and partying….. then I have failed you.

If I haven't taught you to how to stand up for yourself…. then I have failed you.

If I haven't taught you that a song or a movie is *just* that and *not* a guide on how to live your life…. then I have failed you.

You see…. people are saying that Miley Cyrus's Dad - Billy Ray (you should look him up, too for a giggle) - failed her because he "raised" her to 'shake her ass' and blah blah blah.

Wrong.

Billy Ray Cyrus raised a bold girl with an opinion.

You see, you do *not* have to agree with anyone's opinion…. but I sure as shit hope that I've raised you to *respect* and appreciate someone else's point of view. 

Billy Ray raised a girl who has awkwardly grown up with the world watching and yet…. she is strong enough in herself and in her character to question and experiment with her sexuality - openly.

HooF*ckingRah for that.

I can only hope and pray that I will raised both of you to be willing to talk with me about your sexuality and be open about any 'experimenting' with alternative lifestyles that you want to do.  I will not be ashamed of who you are and what you want to do so long as a) no one gets hurt, b) everything is consensual , c) you are of an appropriate age and d) no one gets pregnant or an STD.  

I guess the world is all in a panic because Miley is playing around with the idea of "Furries" (it's a thing… look it up - but don't download any videos…. lolol.  No really - don't.) What they are forgetting is that often young entertainers push the boundaries of what is comfortable in society…. it's what we expect them to do - and then if someone decides they've gone "too far" then we chastise them for it……

If I haven't taught you how to *safely* and openly push your own boundaries…. then I have failed you.

You're going to hear lots of song in your life about "getting laid" or "getting some" but if you grow up thinking that *that* is the only thing to do to entertain yourself…. then I clearly haven't expanded your mind with arts and literature and other life experiences…. and I have failed you.

Side Note:  you WILL get laid…. but please see the above about the how/when you do that.

If you grow up without any ability to balance *when* it's time to party and when it's time to work or study…. if I haven't taught you to commit to something other than 'partying' all the time… then I have failed you.

Here are some simple truths according to Miley Cyrus:

It's your mouth… you *can* say what you want to.

It's your body…. you *can* love who you want to.

You can kiss…. who *you* want.

You can sing what you want…..don't take nothin' from nobody…..

Remember only God can judge ya - even if you're dancing like you belong in a strip club.

Forget the haters 'cause somebody loves ya.  (Your Mom… your Mom always loves you.  just sayin')

If I am LUCKY ENOUGH that you grow up to *know* these things and implement these values into your life correctly….. (see above) - then I have done a job I will be proud of and I will have not failed you.  

I will created two human beings who value their own personal inner confidence and power to stand up and BE WHO THEY ARE.  

I will have raised two human beings who will be strong enough in their convictions to stand up for what they believe in, and even if I don't agree with you - I will be proud of you for having convictions.

I will have, most importantly, raised two people who will be willing to try new things, stretch their wings and …… fail.  Yes:  fail.

I hope you fail miserably at times- because that only means you were willing to be open about trying…. and know that when you fail and when you fall - not only will I *still* be there to love you and support you…. but I will know that you have the self-confidence to get yourself over these inevitable bumps in the road that is growing up…. we *all* hit them, but not everyone has the strength to get over them and past them.

If you have that strength…. then I will have gotten things right.

Because at the end of the day….. if I have failed - then *I* have failed you - that blame will not lie at the feet of whatever new "Miley Cyrus" is around…. that blame is squarely on me and me alone because Miley Cyrus didn't give birth to you, she's not raising you…. she - and people like her - are there to entertain you - *I* am here to educate you.

I'm being totally honest when I say that I hope I raise two people who 'do what they want to' and do -whatever it is - with pride, conviction and confidence…. just like Miley.


PLEASE..... let 'Miley Cyrus'.... BE A LESSON TO YOU!

Please be willing to be who you are.... be wiling take appropriate risks and challenge people with your thoughts and your actions.... take entertainment for what it is.... entertainment.  No one got pregnant on the VMA stage... no one went to war (which our President is *Currently* doing), no one got hurt - emotionally or otherwise - and no teddy bears were harmed during any twerking...... 

Most of all.... when you see someone else willing to be bold, willing to be daring.... EVEN IF YOU DON'T AGREE WITH THEM... or what they did or how they did it.... please do not be apart of bullying someone for who they are.

Please do not be apart of 'slut shaming' because a girl wore clothes you thought were too small - or she danced too 'sexually' for you.... whether you see this girl on TV are at a house party.... that girl is a HUMAN BEING and deserves your respect.

Period.

If I haven't raised you to be above judging people for what they do and who they are - AND - to know the difference between 'judging' and 'questioning'.... then I have failed.

Failure, however... is not an option.... as Miley say's.... 'We can't stop and we won't stop'.... and she's right - I won't stop raising you to be the people I dream for you to be - and I won't stop you from being entertained by singers and songwriters and artists... but I won't let you be 'educated' by them either.

Love, 
Your Mom
who can do The Twist, dirty danced to Bell Biv Devoe and yes.... can twerk - just don't ask me to show you how in 20 years.... 

So.  As promised. 
A full blog.

The last year has been soooo full of change.  Change I resisted and fought and prayed would go away..... change I accepted and welcomed.... and changes that I made.

It's hard at the same time - because deep down.... I never wanted any of this.  Yes yes.... I'm not whining..... I promise.  But Hail Mary and I were just talking about this the other night because I feel like once you become a Mom you become several different people:  Mom, Wife, Business Owner/Worker, Friend... etc.  

First and foremost is:  Mom.

As a Mom.... I have to admit that I still *don't* want any changes.  I want my kids to grow up in the nuclear family that created them and made certain promises to raise them.... I have to come to realize that *this* is the last part of the past that I have to find a way to put to bed.  Not bury, mind you.... but - put to bed.  I need to find a way to let go of this because I can't go back in time.  I can't change anything about the past and what happened and whatever.....

But I would if I could.
Hail Mary understands this.  Which, is really kind of amazing.

I often think back to standing on the checkerboard floor of my kitchen and saying, "What's going on.....?  Is there something wrong?  Do we need to talk.....? "  and getting back.... "We're fine.  Stop asking."

The truth is... it didn't matter if I was asking or not, the writing was on the wall, beds were being made and slept in (not alone for that matter) and changes were afoot.  I could feel them back them... like tiny earthquakes makes me feel uneasy and scared about the future.... our future.
Even then, I never dreamed my future would involve a woman.
Nope.
Not then.
Not ever.

As Mom's we *always* do our best to "shield" our children from things that we think are bad - people, music, movies, situations.... whatever.  We want to protect them and keep them and their world and their hearts.... safe.  *HOW* to do this has been re-defined for me on *almost* a daily basis... 

I debate and discuss this with so many of my friends and The Bubbie and Hail Mary.... the truth is, I won't really know if I've made the right or wrong decisions until it's too late to change any of them because the kids will be grown.  but.... isn't that the challenge *every* parent faces......?

First our family changed.
Then our home changed.
Then their bed changed (yes... that counts dammit. lol)
Then their co-parent set up changed with La Novia taking a (welcomed) role in their lives.

Then we met Hail Mary..... and everything changed, at least for me.
And .... now for them, too.

I knew I was ready to trust someone.  Okay.... well, kind of.... I'll kind of always be a bit sensitive in that area..... it's like breaking your ankle.  You know how people say, after their ankle heels, that they can "feel" the rain coming on because it makes their joints hurt more?

I think my "joints" are always going to hurt more and be a little more sensitive to 'emotional rain'... if you know what I mean.  The challenge, of course, is to make sure that I only get our my 'umbrella' for *actual* rain, not the imagined, accusatory, ruin-a-perfectly-good-relationship-kind.... but I think that's pretty normal.

So I knew I was ready trust... and then of course there was the whole deciding I'd rather bang girls than boys change.... that was a big one that we don't need to dissect here because there are plenty of Posts already on The Blog regarding it..... but yes:  HUGE CHANGE.

Change for me.
Change for the kids.
Change for El Capitan.
Change for my family and friends....... and with the exception of ONE friend... they are all still here for me.
I'm so grateful for that........

However, more changes were coming.... where to school the children and how.... where to work and what about childcare.....?  The school located locally to where we had been living were not..... super great.  Our own friends have bailed out of a few of them, with nothing nice to say.... so I was beginning to worry. 
A lot.

I have to go to work and get a "real" job.  Photography is *great* and has been an amazing career for me for the last 18 years..... 18 years.  That's just *crazy* to think about.  Crazy... but true.  I love doing the work, and I love my clients (most of them, anyway) even more.... but it's not enough to 'keep the lights on' AND start putting away for any kind of retirement that doesn't have me living in a cardboard box under a bridge.
No.  I'm serious.  lolol

So I need a "real" job with benefits and whatnot... which means no home school and some kind of school/day care situation.  So everything kept circling around sending The Boy to public school..... and there didn't seem to be any answers that worked for us locally.  Until Hail Mary came along.

Hail Mary is.... a problem solver.  
We like that about her.

It's just..... it's so hard to put *any* of your 'eggs' in anyone else's basket when the bottom keeps falling out of every basket you start to trust...... especially when one basket turns out to be a bit of a 'basket case'.....

It's hard to put yourself out there - and it's even harder when it's NOT JUST YOU.  It's harder when you have two kids who are holding onto you for their own emotional stability and well being.... it's harder to take a chance and just trust...... so. f*cking. hard.

I actually called El Capitan to talk about this.... strange, I know.  But I called him and we talked about how *easy* it was to fall in love back then..... I didn't have two kids to protect and care for - it was just me - and it seemed so easy and natural to just throw caution to wind and run off and get married.

It felt exhilarating and romantic and run.

What was exhilarating in my twenty's now feels nauseating in my thirties. lololol

And then, of course, we were together for *ten years* - so having only known him for just three weeks when we got married becomes irrelevant because you would *think* after ten year you *know* someone... but ... yeah:  sometimes you don't. lol

So we talked about that and how *this* time I have all these intense feelings for Hail Mary but no "sure" column to put them in.... fear and ... well - just fear:  it rains fear sometimes and I can't seem to find an 'umbrella' big enough to get a break from it.  It's just soaking in all the time.

El Capitan and I talked about that.  About my fears and whatnot..... I know that sounds strange - but he was my best friend for ten years - he knows me better than a lot of people.... and in the 'romantic sense' - he knows me better than anyone else.  So, it seemed like a good idea to talk things out with him.
And it was.

The school next to Hail Mary is a good school.
A *really* good school.
In a top rated school district........ so, Hail Mary proposed that we move to her area so that The Boy could have the opportunity to go to that school......

So I did as much research as I could, and El Capitan did as well... and The Bubbie and The Papa.  We read online reviews and I found people to talk to me about the school.... and (for the most part), it all sounds really good.... so then it came down to moving.

This means we're more than 30 minutes away from Bubbie and Papa.  No more "built in" babysitting service... lol.  Which is fine to give up in terms of going on socially, but *much* harder to walk away from in terms or childcare while I'm working... which is super scary.

Believe it or not.... when it came down to whether or not the kids and I were going to go live with Hail Mary - it wasn't really a conversation with Hail Mary.... I already knew what my heart wanted to do.  No - *this* was a conversation for El Capitan.  Again.

I know..... he didn't talk to me before he moved in with La Novia.  I didn't have a choice.... and, for a while, we all suffered the consequences of those actions..... *however* - that doesn't mean I get to just go and do whatever the *f*ck* I want to.  I wish it did..... but it doesn't.
The Mom in me say's so......  She can be such a pain the ass sometimes.... hahaha

So I went back to El Capitan again and we talked... and talked.
He likes Hail Mary.  He likes the school and we agreed that this presented a positive opportunity for our kids.... and so - with El Capitan's help, the decision was made:  we were moving in with Hail Mary.

Yup.  You read that right.
AND..... drum roll please:  El Capitan MOVED US IN with Hail Mary.
Picked-up the truck.
Drove the truck.
Loaded the truck.
and.... un-loaded the truck at Hail Mary's house.

Actually, El Capitan & Hail Mary did the loading and the un-loading together.... which was fine and drama-free... and *that's* a little crazy because that day - moving day.....

THAT day - the day my ex-husband helped me move into my girlfriends house - *that* day is the first day in 16 months that I spent *that* much time with El Capitan..... I haven't spent more than a few hours with him since April 18th of 2012.  

It's a lot faster than Hail Mary and I had planned..... but the school year is starting and commuting that far every day doesn't make a ton of sense..... and no matter how we looked at it - moving in was the best/easiest/smoothest option for the three of us.
Hail Mary is like that.... she just wants things to be good for the *three* of us.

I've been a bit afraid of blogging about Hail Mary... for fear that it'll all go wrong again and I'll be left cleaning up the pieces... there's been too much of that this last year and a half.  But.... I suppose you have to be willing to take a chance and make changes you believe *at the time* are for the best.... and just hope and pray that they are.  

Hail Mary is kind and committed... or at least she better be committed. lolol (see... that's my ankle worried about rain and putting up my umbrella)..... she's patient and amazing.... yeah, I'll just leave it at that:  Hail Mary is amazing.

Today I registered The Boy for 'real school' and he's scared.... but they are both excited about their new room (more on that later) and they like living with Hail Mary.  This option was discussed at length with both of them before I made the final decision.... I hope when they grow up they feel like they had an actual say in what we did and didn't do..... 

Visitation with El Capitan was worked out - and a plan for the kids to stay with The Bubbie and The Papa on a regular basis..... and then everyone worked together to pack up our toys and our clothes and our life and move us to Hail Mary's place.

And I had to start working on packing up my emotional past.... so that I can make this change fear and worry free.... as best I can.  So that I can give this person and this new beginning the fresh start it deserves..... which I really hope I'm already doing.   

Last night Hail Mary joked that while she knows that I picked her name while were still 'just friends' and it was an athletic reference..... she pointed out that, in the end - she appears to have been the 'hail mary' we all needed.... too true, it seems.... too true.

So.... the joke is:

What does a lesbian bring to the second date?
A:  A Uhaul.

Well.... it's not the *second* date... hahahaha - but we've been Uhauled. 
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ps..... it might be 48 hours before I can post again.... .sorry kids. :)
 

Alright, so I *know* that I promised to be more consistent.... but my computer is currently in another place - and WE are going through some big (and exciting) changes.....

So a full post tomorrow - but it'll show up during the day tomorrow not overnight. :)

Sorry kids... but trust me when I tell you it's worth waiting for. :)

Alright..... so we can see that things were going downhill between Never Enough and I.  I forgot to mention, or rather explain, in yesterday's post that part of my annoyance with Never Enough was that on facebook she was suuuuuppppper Christian.  Posting all kinds of things about 'living in grace' and how she 'gave so much to many people' and on and on...... but then if/when I did talk to her (for all the years I'd known her) - it was *nothing* but nasty about so-and-so's 40th Birthday that "never ended" or such-and-such and their luxury trip..... 

Anyhow...... 

I was putting some time and work into trying to figure out a future career and I studied and applied for a position with 911.  Getting on with 911 is actually really hard, but the pay is $26 an hour to start, full time with benefits.  When I posted that I was trying for something but didn't say what on The Blog, Never ENough called to ask me what I was doing - and I told her.

She them immediately told me that she and her husband were thinking she should do that in a few years - which... caught me by surprise because Never Enough hadn't worked in over 12 years and has several kids of various ages and they have a *super* busy life with school and sports and the lives of an entire family with a fairly large gap in ages.  (Trying to be respectfully vague here).  As it was, Never ENough was always running from here to there (like a good Mom :) with tons of activities for busy kids..... I didn't see where a full time job would make that easier.

But, I said nothing and told her that I would give her the info from 911 when I went for the testing and let her know how it went and what it all entails.... until you actually take the first test, they don't give you too much information about how it all works.

Around this time - Never Enough sent the other family friend a kiss off letter - calling her out for the friend "limiting" what Never Enough could see on her facebook page.... yes.  You read that right.  The friend only let certain friends see certain posts and this really pissed off Never Enough because she wasn't on the list where she could see everything but other mutual friends were......

All the time, whenever we did talk - it was about how tired Never Enough was, always running around - on this committee at school (she's a good Mom who volunteers a ton at school) - and so many obligations... etc.  I was also very aware that they had successfully done the Dave Ramsey program and "graduated" - so financials were not an issue for them.  (I was reminded on their Ramsey success often.)  Never Enough suddenly expressing interest in a full time job took me by total surprise.

After I took the test Never Enough messaged me on facebook and it went exactly like this - keep in mind this is messaging over mobile:

Elle Zober  hey.... are we EVER have lunch? lol

8:48pm

NEVER ENOUGH  I know! Life with X kids is crazy, and XXXXXXX naps from 12-2:30. How's everything going? How'd the 911 thing go?

Elle Zober The test went well..... You should forget applying though.  :(

NEVER ENOUGH  Why? I'm years off from it, thinking of other options.

Elle Zober  Even if you get in, its 2.5 weeks staying in Salem!  Then three months working 9-5, then at least two years working four ten hour shifts: your three days off are ties/Wed/thurs and the shifts are at night 11 pm to 9 am.  [HUSBAND] couldn't work the XXXXXX dept anymore on weekends.
It's going to be hard with kids......

NEVER ENOUGH Yep. I knew most of that. Hope it works out for you.

Elle Zober Thanks.

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Never Enough's final repsonse of "hope it works out for you" was curt.... and rude.  Works out?  She knew that if I did that I woudl have to give up *everything* I love as a Mom - staying at home, doing homeschool... so - that's really 'working out', and she knows it..... so clearly I had pissed her off.

But... her reply pissed me off... and frankly - her attitude did, too. So here was my reply to her an hour later:

Elle Zober

You know- at the risk of pissing you off.... do you not remember how tired you were working the 'night shift' for Gymboree? This is *hard* work - and usually requires a lot of overtime. If you think you're tired now- you're going to be way more tired with three kids coming off a school bus at 3 pm when you've only had 4 hours of sleep.... and then it'll be homework and dinner to make and life to live... and - there would be no more XXXXXXXXXXXX  weekends or retreats... or anything. but you already thought of that? I highly doubt it. [Husband] makes good money and you have a good life - I don't think you *know* as much as you think you do if you think you're going to work a job like that and still get to be a Mom and be happy. Don't give up your very nice, very wonderful life - I truly don't think a job in dispatch would be something you would end up loving.

May 18
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The next day Never Enough posted a HUGE facebook thing about how 'grateful' she was for a life full of 'godly women' who don't 'judge' her and 'accept' and 'support' her - and she tagged like eight people.... and clearly not me. 

You can't be Godly if you're a queer... right?
And my noting to her how great she has things.... that's not supporting her?
Well, it is in my book.  Sorry.

So then I posted a snotty facebook comment on my wall (after several friends sent me screen shots of her because they had a feeling it was about me.... lolol) and I just said something about being grateful for friends who support me and don't covet other people's luxury holidays.

Yeah.... that was bitchy.  I can own that. :)

The next day I got this in my message box:

NEVER ENOUGH:

Elle, I've thought hard the last few days about how I wanted to reply. Please don't pretend to know what goes on in the four walls of my home. I feel like our friendship is slowly changing and right now I need to focus on my family. I wish you all the best. XXXXXXX
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I then got a "friend request" from Never ENough...... because, you see I had "hidden" her and her annoying posts off my facebook feed *months* before... hahahaha - so whens he "defriended" me - I didn't notice and dind't respond or have a reaction.

So she unfriended me.
Then she re-friend requested me.
Then she deleted that request, so that I would get the first one in my email and notice we weren't facebook friends anymore.... .

If that doesn't really sum up everything for you RIGHT THERE.... I'm not sure I'll ever explain my frustrations with her behavior clear enough.

So, this all happened and ended by May 18th...... until OUT OF THE FRIGGIN BLUE, I got this gem of an email from Never ENough's Husband:

Elle,
I don't know where to start.  I felt the need to talk with you and not comfortable with a phone call.  I unfriended you and then told [Never Enough] to do the same after you were so rude and mean to her {IN THE FACEBOK MESSAGE I SENT HER ABOVE].  I don't know why you felt the need to personally attack her in your messages about becoming a dispatcher (not the first time).  They were so mean and hurtful I put my foot down and said nah she isn't worth the trouble.   I am surprised at how bitter and angry you have become with the world.  It was bad before but, now it's nauseating.  We have been there for each other over the years and not used you just for pictures like most.  I know you and [Never Enough] have butted heads over miscommunications and hurt feelings in the past but, this was above and beyond. 
 
I hope you figure out sometime why you are so angry and bitter in life.  I feel sorry for [El Capitan] for all the time you spent beating him down.  We weren't surprised when it happened.  
 
I don't really appreciate facebook and blog posts [I HAD BLOGGED NOTHING ABOUT THIS UNTIL YESTERDAY].  I know you need material but, would be nice if you could learn restraint.  I won't be surprised if you copy paste only parts of this email in some blog post that people with no lives read that you feel the need to impress.  If you are going to quote me do it in its entirety.
 
You've said it numerous times yourself most of your "friends" are scared of being no souped and all the mean things you'll say about them after it's over.  That's a great way to keep friends. 
 
I would really be impressed if you ever admit (even if only to yourself since you have an image to uphold) some fault about your marriage.  Especially in light of the "recent" coming out But, that was probably [El Capitan's] fault too.   
 
We both truly hope you find some fulfilling happiness in your life. 
 
XXXXX XXXXXXXXX
Sublight Aerospace
cell:  503-XXX-XXXX
fax:  503-XXX-XXXX

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So there you have it..... "THE LETTER".  In it's entirety for you.

I called El Capitan and read him the letter - and then I wrote this reply which I will edit out of respect for Never ENough and her Husband..... again - she has *not* spared ANY detail of my life as she has gossiped and sent out her own "letters" explaining things to other mutual friends.... but I do have a bit more class.  (May be not much more.... lolololol)

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Hey [Never Enough's Husband] - 

Wow..... I'm not at all sure where to start ... or finish for that matter.   But JUST so we're all clear, this is the facebook message I sent to [Never ENough]:


You know- at the risk of pissing you off.... do you not remember how tired you were working the 'night shift' for Gymboree? This is *hard* work - and usually requires a lot of overtime. If you think you're tired now- you're going to be way more tired with three kids coming off a school bus at 3 pm when you've only had 4 hours of sleep.... and then it'll be homework and dinner to make and life to live... and - there would be no more XXXXXXXXX weekends or retreats... or anything. but you already thought of that? I highly doubt it. [Husband] makes good money and you have a good life - I don't think you *know* as much as you think you do if you think you're going to work a job like that and still get to be a Mom and be happy. Don't give up your very nice, very wonderful life - I truly don't think a job in dispatch would be something you would end up loving.

I don't see where I'm "rude" or "mean" to be totally honest.  I really don't.  I was being honest with her - she would have to give up everything that she loves, and I find it hard to believe that she would do that.  Do you not remember her very brief stint at Gymboree that was only a few hours a night and she was exhausted?  I do.  

But.  Let's get real for a second.
Why are you doing this?  And why is [Never Enough] posting her little cryptic messages on facebook.......?  I see below that you make a stab at me to suggest that "all my other friends" are only friends with me for "pictures"..... that's nice and mature of you.  So.,.. just know that I get sent (multiple) copies of [Never Enough's] facebook page when she posts her nasty comments.... got one today, in fact.

So, why the sudden surge in hate mail to Elle?  I haven't actually blogged or written anything on my facebook page since this ended weeks ago... so why now?
Hmm... interesting.

You and [El Capitan] were never friends.  [El Capitan] thought you were a tool who didn't play with his kids and bullied them instead..... I doubt he's turned to you for any kind of solace and advice.  But yes.... my marriage to [El Capitan] had it's *many* challenges.... surely one of which is my temper.

But since you're so willing to talk about marriages.... let's do that. :)

Here's what I *never* did..... I never racked up $XXXXK in debt - and I certainly NEVER ran up a $XXXK credit card behind my husbands back..... so - while you two weren't surprised when [El Capitan] left me... I'm shocked you two have made it this far.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX block party and refused to return XXXXXXXX phone calls so at 10pm she had XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX to come home ... and you didn't.  And then the next day XXXXXXXXXXXX GIRLS HALF SHIRT wadded up in the dirty laundry on the floor XXXXXXXXXXXX room.....?  That was during the time when you either went to Hooters or Stars for lunch every day XXXXXXXXXX said she XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX phone numbers in your phone..... 

So... before you go throwing stones XXXXXXXX - you might want to take a long hard look at your own life.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Again.  Stones.... keep them in your own yard, please. 

Through all of this, I have maintained the friends I *wanted* to keep.  Those that have fallen away have done so without any regret or notice from me..... [Never Enough] is someone who does this friendship merry-go-round CONSTANTLY.

For a while XXXXXXXX is the greatest.... then she falls out with her and all I hear is nasty stuff about her.... then it's XXXXXXX turn or whoevers turn..... I'm not dumb enough to NOT know that I come up on the getting talked about nasty cycle frequently..... which is NOT a friendship.  You know very well she does this - how many friends have gotten [Never Enough's] little kiss-off letter?  Too many to count.....

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

I have kept hundreds of friends..... going back to my gradeschool years.  I'm proud of that.  My life is *full* of joy and friendship and, unlike some, I celebrate my friends success', I don't covet them, which might be why they are still around for me decades later.  

Fault in my marriage.... am I going to get an email back where you own YOUR faults in your marriage?  I'm not sure why you think it's your place to call me out and make any kind of demand on me to own anything in my personal life..... that's actually kind of funny that you think you can do that.

But let's be real for a second.  I loved [El Capitan].... yes, deep down I would have preferred to be with a woman -  but I was a good wife.  In fact, not wishing to write anything that isn't true:  I just called [El Capitan].  I asked him point blank if I beat him down..... if I haven't owned what I've done in our marriage - and he said no on both points.  We have *both* had to own what we did - where we went wrong, etc.  However, he never felt "beat down" (as you put it) and he doesn't understand why *you* feel so compelled to say something like that to me since he never talked to you during or after our marriage about anything personal.

In regards to me being "angry and bitter"..... it's [Never Enough] who is constantly angry and bitter at someone.  She seeks out drama and creates problems with friends where there aren't any - and then she stands in the middle of her mess and cries about how no one is "nice" to her.  She has written off countless friends - you and I both know it... are *you* going to stand up and own that?  Are you going to own the issue's in your marriage as you so boldly demand that I do?

I haven't written any blog posts regarding this - however, I appreciate your written approval to reprint your email in it's entirety if I decide to print it... that's very nice of you.

For the record, I have only ever stopped being friends with XXXXXXX - aside from her..... I have never "no souped" any of my friends and I don't think any of them actually worry about that happening.... 

 You need to educate yourself about homosexuality.  No one "turned" me gay. [El Capitan] and I had a *very* good laugh about that.  I was born this way.  Literally.  I chose to be straight, I thought it was a choice I *could* make.... and frankly - our marriage was punctuated by situations where our intimate life was not an option - and months rolled into years and years into a decade - and we never dealt with what was wrong in our bedroom.  [El Capitan] has owned the fact that he never complained - we never talked about it..... NO ONE is to "blame" for my being gay and that fact that you wrote that shows a lot of ignorance about the topic on your part.  Additionally, my being gay is not the reason my marriage failed - [El Capitan] will tell you that himself, but since you're not actually friends with him.... that won't happen.

At the end of the day.... [Never Enough] isn't comfortable with my being gay.  When I first told her - she uninvited me *as quick as she could* to her XXXXXXXXXXX retreat.... and I never saw her again.  That was March - early March.  I asked for play dates and coffee dates and anything..... I had agree to watch your children overnight for your romantic hotel getaway - which said said YOU cancelled because you didn't want her spending the money...... and I never saw her again.  She then wrote off XXXX XXXXXXX  as a friend and I knew my days were numbered...... doesn't it bother you that she does this?  Isn't it at all awkward for you that she picks these fights with people - especially when you work with XXXXXX's HUSBAND?  

The point is.... I never saw her again after that day.  Make of it what you want - but, the only person who is bitter and angry with the world is [NEver Enough].  Read The Blog... I'm happy - and have been for a looooooong time.  Stop believing [NEver ENough's] interpretations.... because to be honest - [NEver ENough] told me you never liked [El Capitan].  You thought he was a "child" and not a real man... that you didn't understand how I could be married to someone who didn't "provide" - [Never Enough] says' you say *a lot* of things and have a lot of opinions that I highly doubt you have.  She create's a picture of you where you *never* want to be at home, you spend your money on XXXXXX and tech toys you don't need and you don't "allow" her to spend money at all.... she writes a picture where XXXXXX is EXPECTED of her - and frankly..... most of us don't have the greatest view of you based on what [Never Enough] say's.... so again, before you start throwing stones, I would politely suggest you start picking up your own.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  This section talked about a very personal time in their marriage XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

See.... I was a *good*, true friend...... to both of you.  I supported you and your marriage - through and through.  You guys clearly have not done that for me, thanks for making that super clear.  Again.... it's odd to me that you waited to long to write me this email - and why you think you get to make *any* demands on me at all.

Feel free to call [El Capitan] - we just hung up... 

Again... I have *not* blogged this, nor facebooked this.... I'm not sure what [Never ENough] is telling you - but you are free to read those things for yourself.

Good luck to you both...... :)

*************************************************************************************************************

So there you have it....... 

I think that the truth is that Never ENough doesn't ...... I just don't know that there is 'room' in her life for a 'lesbian friend'.  She works pretty hard to have a hard candy Christian exterior... and I don't fit that.

Which is fine... then just tell me that.
I'm fine with that.

Only mere *weeks* before this all went down - I was one of her "closest friends" and getting decks of inspirational cards.... now I'm the person who was always "beating down" her husband and the failure of my marriage was "no surprise"? 

Really?

I'm not fine with a bunch of stupid games and facebook posts and emails to friends where she builds her own cross faster than the Romans to stretch herself across it..... all the while making sure every "Friend" knows "her side" .... oh - and Never ENough ALSO has a blog.......

So.  There you have it.  Now you know.

Never Enough and her husband can say whatever they want..... but this was a lot of stone throwing and finger pointing over...... what ?  I'm not sure.  

Alright then.

So, over the last few months, more than one Blog reader has either posted in the comments section or sent me an email wanting to know more about a) the friend who de-friended me and b) to see the letter that that friend's husband later sent me that I once referenced in The Blog.

I have not tried to "avoid" anything, but..... whereas El Capitan and I 'fell' into this whole mess.... my *friends* never asked to be apart of this whole deal (which is why they all have nicknames), having said that everyone who appears in The Book read parts of The Book and knew they were in it.  They all read The Blog, though usually not 'every day' - but they knew they appear here as well as NO ONE has ever asked me to not write about them using a nickname or otherwise.  (Except for Carhartt who was *fine* with being apart of The Blog, read it every day - and still does - who let me know about a month ago *after* we broke up that she didn't want "Carhartt" to appear on The Blog anymore.  For the most part, I have respected that, though I don't feel that's entirely fair.  Going forward..... I will not post about 'Carhartt' again.)

Point being....if *anyone* - El Capitan, La Novia, Jenny B, Chloe, Janda, Keifer, Keebler, Keller, Mia, Torri, Bella - ever asked me to never write about them on The Blog again - I would totally honor that.  However, that has yet to happen.

So, for the purpose of *this* entry - I'm going to give this "friend" a new name.  They had appeared on The Blog and in The Book since it's inception and for those of you who have been regular readers from the start, you will probably have no trouble figuring out who it is.  Which - is part of the reason I have hesitated going into this on The Blog because our mutual and *local* friends know EXACTLY who this is about.... and so I feel like even though they've both been a bit crappy about things.... I don't have a right to expose a bunch of things about their marriage that our mutual friends might not know.  I hope that makes sense.

So, This Is The Story of The Little Girl Who Never Had Enough.... now know as Never Enough.

Never Enough and I met through a mutual friend we'll call Kay.  Kay and Never Enough were friends and Kay referred me to Never Enough to take pictures of her kids (which I did and she loved, of course).  Kay and Never Enough weren't getting along shortly thereafter and Kay "warned" me that Never Enough was the kind of "friend" who talks about everyone behind their backs.

In my humble opinion we are *ALL* guilty of talking about people - sometimes it's out of amusement or concern - and sometimes we're just being bitchy.... but we all do it - and Kay did it plenty on her own.... so this "warning" fell on deaf ears with me.  Not long after that Never Enough stopped being friends with Kay -and not long after that.... so I did I.

Never Enough had a child of similar age to The Boy and the two of them were fast friends.  We did all kinds of outings and crafts and projects with them.  Our families started hanging out together spending several "New Years" in a row together.  

El Capitan was never wild about spending time with Never Enough's Husband.  He thought he was a bit on the 'strict' side and El Capitan would spent more time playing video games or having water balloon fights with their older child while Never Enough's Husband would joke about what a "kid" El Capitan was, etc.  Joking.... but also in the sense that Never Enough's Husband clearly thought El Capitan was 'immature'.

Our two families lived very different lives ...... hmm.... how to put this without revealing personal information about Never Enough's marriage.... 

Never Enough was a stay at home Mom.  They lived in a big house in a nice neighborhood in one of the best Elementary school area's in Oregon. They drove nice cars, the children wore only designer clothes. Never Enough was constantly going away on 'retreats' or crafting weekends - they frequently went out on date nights and usually to super nice places.

By contrast, El Capitan and I lived in small house in an 'okay' neighborhood with a sh*tty school.  We had one nice car and a 1990s Something given to us by my parents.  The Boy had designer clothes - but only *after* they were out of season and on-sale for $5 or under.  We never went on date nights-and if we did, it was to Red Robin.  I worked 40+ hours a week, as did El Capitan, and usually I worked weekends, so no crafting or retreats for me.

I was *NEVER* jealous of Never Enough.  LOTS of my friends are a great deal wealthier than I am - some of my friends are actual millionaires.... I think that's great for them - but it doesn't make my life any less wonderful or have less value..... 

For Never Enough though..... it was.... NEVER. ENOUGH.

She would complain that her husband wasn't "home enough", didn't do enough "family stuff" on the weekends (and when I pointed out to her that she expects the finances to buy said designer clothes and that means hours worked by said husband... that logic fell on deaf ears.).  She expected to go to Disneyland every. Single. Year - for an entire week.  She wanted cruises and big parties and .... a nice life style.

Who doesn't, right? lololol

I didn't fault her for that... but I did always wonder why she didn't just live in the gratitude and grace that she claimed to know so much about as a "Christian."    Oh yeah.... Never Enough was very religious.
Cool.  Again... that never bothered me.  

A few years after we met, I had started to grow tired of the 'talking about other people' that went on..... she never had a nice thing to say about her husband, the picture she painted was of someone who .... hmmmm.... this is so hard.  what to write without being too personal...... basically she painted a picture of a 1950s husband where the house had to be spic and span, dinner on the talbe by 5:30, carpets cleaned, toys put away - .... "or else" - type thing.

May be..... he didn't really seem that way to me - but people are always different behind closed doors.

In any regard - from where I stood, it looked to me like he loved Never Enough very much.  He worked endless hours to pay for the lifestyle she wanted.... and she hid massive amounts of credit card debt from him.  

Mostly what drove me crazy was her lack of gratitude for what she *DID* have.

A few things came to a head and Never Enough and I stopped being friends...... Never Enough thought this was a *fantastic time* to go and email EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. of our mutual friends to tell them "her side" of what had happened and to explain all her 'mysterious posts' on facebook.  (*This* is part of the reason I'm willing to Blog this, because she's had no trouble dragging my name through the mudd several times over with mutual friends.... and the husband *did* tell me I could post his letter - so I'm assuming on some level this is what she wanted........?)

I, of course, hadn't said anything to anyone so suddenly my inbox was full of forwards from our mutual friends with notes attached saying - What the f*ck?  or.... Huh?  What's going on?

I kept it simple but honest, I was tired of the talking about other people - and the incredibly *jealousy* Never Enough had about other people - so and so went on this trip - Can you BELIEVE IT?  blah blah blah.  I thought Never Enough had said some pretty offensive things to me and I was just tired of the whole game.

Oddly enough..... none of our mutual friends stopped being my friend and they all nodded in agreement for my reasons for not wanting to be friends anymore.

No one was surprised.
No one was shocked.
No one thought that my..... feelings were unjustified.

So I Ieft it at that and moved on.... I didn't post things on facebook....but Never Enough did for months - and again - those mutual friends would send me screen shots of the posts with LOL's attached.  

For someone so "Christian"..... Never Enough's behavior has always left little to be desired, to be blunt.  This observation wasn't made just by me.... 

Never Enough is the kind of friend who is *always* talking about someone.  For instance, she'll talk about Emily - and it's never nice talk.... always negative.  And then suddenly you'll see Never Enough and Emily doing a bunch of stuff together on facebook and now when I talk to her it's nothing but nasty stuff about Mary.  And then later it's Mary and Never Enough checking in for breakfast and lunch and bff's in facebook land and now it'll be Sarah's turn for the nasty comments..... and so on.

Eventually, you're smart enough to know that if *YOU* are not the current new BFF on facebook and hanging out with her all the time.... then *YOU* are probably who Emily, Mary & Sarah are currently hearing the nasty stuff about.....

Follow that? :)

So.... let me give you one example of the kind of thing that would get under my skin a bit:

Never Enough won concert tickets to a teen singers concert - one that *EITHER* of her children would love to have gone to.  However, instead of taking one of the kids to this teen concert, she and the husband went.  I thought this was.... selfish?  Why not take the older kid?  Why go with your husband to a concert geared *totally* for tweens and teens?  But.... they went and then *AFTER* they went - allllllll I heard about for at least a week after was how "disappointing" it was and how "boring" it was..... um yeah - DUH.... it's a concert put on for TWELVE YEAR OLDS..... what else were you expecting?

But see...Never Enough. 

You win free tickets to a concert, you don't take your kid, YOU go because you *LIKE* this artist.... but the concert was just too 'babyish' for you to enjoy...... so you had a "terrible" time... blah blah blah.

That, in a nutshell - is what I disliked the most about Never Enough.

So we stopped being friends for...... twoish years?  Until I was sick in the hospital in May of 2010 - when I was admitted for a week with some insane and unknown infection that had the CDC coming in to test my blood.  I was admitted on Friday and by Sunday El Capitan was posting updates on my facebook page.  Never Enough's husband saw one of these posts (because he and I were still facebook friends) - and he showed it to Never Enough while they were sitting in Church.

She immediately texted me.

I remember, in my drugged, feverish state - seeing the texts and being like.... "really?  NOW?"  lololol

When I got out of the hospital we became "friends" again, but only kind of...... I accepted for friend request on facebook but quickly "hid" her from my feed because it seemed like all she did was whine about life... and I was just out of a hospital and still SUPER sick...I didn't care to read about how "awful" this silly non-event/hiccup in her day was.....  weeks and months would go by and we didn't really hang out or whatever.... El Capitan had NO interest in hanging out as a family and so we really didn't.

Nothing really changed with Never Enough - though they were in an amazing place and Never Enough's Husband was doing great and doing some really awesome things in his spare time - which was no surprise, he's a real go-getter type.  He sets goals and he doesn't just achieve them, he obliterates them and sets the next goal even higher.  I always really respected him, though, I did agree with El Capitan that may be he could "play" a bit more and work a bit less. 

And yet.... in spite of allllllll the many, many exciting trips they were taking and how great their life was..... it was *Still* never enough for Never Enough.

I did pictures for them and I made a slideshow that I set to music - the song was "Beautiful Life" which is by a Christian artist and it goes, in part, like this:

"Outside you will find 
There is love all around you 
Takes you, makes you wanna' say 

That it's a beautiful life 
And it's a beautiful world 
And it's a beautiful time 
To be here, to be here, to be here"


After Never Enough saw the slideshow she called me to say that she liked the pictures.... but she "wasn't sure " about the song because she didn't know if it "fit" her life that well.....

Huh?  What.........?

Again.  Never enough.  Nothing is *EVER* enough for Never Enough..... right there and then I knew that our friendships days were numbered again because honestly.... how can you *NOT* be grateful for your life? 

At this point in time - El Capitan and I were still married and *THIS* was the Christmas that I was buying all the kids toys at GoodWill... we were living on $200 for food a month and *barely* getting by.... I thought my life was pretty freakin' beautiful and I didn't have 1/4 of what they had..... not the money or the house or the cars .... or the free time! lololol  and I was still happy. 

Never Enough, in contrast, got an iPad for Christmas and they had been a cruise blah blah blah and yet all I heard about after the holidays was negative, negative, negative..... I would NEVER begrudge my friends their success's... however, your lack of gratitude and gratefulness for what you have when I have *nothing* and am STILL F*CKING GRATEFUL for the nothing that I *DO* have... well- I'll be honest, that's going to wear me down just a little bit.....

Ok, may be more than a little bit.

I was dumb enough - at the time - to think that *MY* simple, broke, small house life *was* a beautiful life, indeed..... I thought that Never Enough had a pretty beautiful life as well. 
Guess not, according to her.

Fast forward sometime later..... and we're doing 'better' as friends. Meeting for coffee and breakfast and having playdates here and there, but NOW...... alllllll I hear about alllll the time is another set of family friends of theirs who go on FOUR TRIPS A YEAR!?!?!  Can you believe that?  (please act shocked, because I was supposed to be).  How "wasteful" and blah blah blah.... and EVERY TIME they go to Disney they stay in a Disney hotel:  FOR A WEEK!!!! (again, we're all supposed to find this shocking).

ok..... and?  

Well, this would piss Never Enough off.  This family had the means to go to big parties, hold bigger, fancier parties than hers.... they had big money to spend at the school auction and buy their kids the "right clothes" and go on luxury vacations - and *EVEN THOUGH* this women was supposed to be one of Never Enough's "best friends"..... the constant stream of nasty jealous talk about this other woman's life never ended.
Sigh.

When El Capitan left, Never Enough was right there for me.... telling me that Never Enough's Husband never liked El Capitan anyway - and they thought El Capitan had changed the second time we became friends and how he wasn't such a great guy... blah blah blah.

They had me over for dinner and both of them comforted me.  Never Enough's husband was incredibly kind with his time and came over countless days to help me pack and move..... I *really* could not have done it without him.... honestly.  I really couldn't have.  As I said, he works very hard, and does a lot of important stuff on his weekends, so I was very grateful for all the personal time of his own he gave up to help me move.
I still am. 

When The Sign came out, Never Enough and her husband were *right there* to fully support me.  She sent me cards full of nice things about me, Never Enough organised a meal train for me.  (so very nice of her).
Never Enough even gave an interview to a media outlet discussing what a "douche" El Capitan was.

We were getting to a good place as friends and I relied on her for a great deal of support - and I was there for her when some pretty bad things happened in her life as well.  Even still.... i knew that as our social engagements stretched apart and other friends filled her BFF facebook land role.... that I was the friend she was talking nasty about.... it's just kind of a given with her.

So me..... let's talk about me, shall we?

I think we can all see that I'm pretty opinionated.... that I can be a super bitch when I want to be.  I was never a super bitch to Never Enough - or the husband.  And I didn't usually have much to say to her that was negative.... I would listen to Never Enough complain about *Everyone* else in her life - and I would *try* to give constructive, helpful advice.... but what she really wants is for you to just agree with her about how awful things are.   I didn't really do that because I didn't think that most of what she found "awful" was really that bad... or even bad at all.   

I mean..... I'll be honest - you have a nice husband who works hard and provides *very well* for your family who is growing and healthy and smart and active.... you get to be a stay at home Mom in a lovely home..... from where I stand, you have pretty good life.

I have no husband, I live in a spare bedroom and share a bed with two kids - I have no 'financial plan', my little bit of savings is quickly disappearing to cover my health care costs, I work constantly, and I'm going to have to give up homeschooling and staying at home....

Yet.... I'm still pretty freakin' happy.... and Never Enough:  is not.
Sigh.  

I'll be honest... that get's old after a while.

The subject of another 'retreat' came up - and Never Enough invited me.  The Bubbie said I could go and I was kind of looking foward to it because it was my first opportunity to "get away" on my own.

And then one day in March, at a play date I said this:

"I want you to know that I value your faith and that I know how important your faith is to you and your family - and that knowing that - I fully understand if what I have to tell you affects our ability to be friends....... [Never Enough] - I'm a lesbian."

There was an empty pause in the room and Never Enough laughed awkwardly.... and then she asked me the usual questions... which I gave the same answers too.  Eventually, while walking out of the room she said, "This doesn't affect our friendship at all.... don't worry about it."

That's awesome.  But.... the way she said it - as she was leaving a room - not looking me in the eye or giving me a hug... it just.... it didn't seem like she meant it at the time.

When she came back into the room she suggested that may be I shouldn't be going on this next retreat she had invited me on because most of her friends are all 'faith based people' and she was worried I would make them uncomfortable.

Yeah..... ten minutes in:  it's affecting our friendship.
Sigh.

I wasn't offended.... may be a bit hurt.  I'm a talker.... may be she thought I would sit around and talk about going down on girls?  Or discuss the finer points of scissoring?  Of course - at this point I hadn't so much as *kissed* a girl and Never Enough new it.... but, it was her retreat and I was an invited guest and it was her perogative to un-invite me.  
Fair enough.

I *do* want to make this one small observation:  At the previous retreat I had been to, I had no sooner set my bag down in my room when Never Enough shoved her Kindle under my nose and *demanded* I read "the greatest book"..... It was a chapter of 50 Shades of Grey and one where the male character meets a woman who is a virgin and finger bangs her in a very rough manner and bends her over a couch....?  The whole passage Never Enough had chosen for me was ..... gross.  It made my stomach hurt and I fell sick thinking about the way in which this man felt he "owned" this female character are roughly violating her.... and worse - how the female character felt special and 'chosen' because he had done those things to her.

The whole time I was reading and thinking it was disgusting.... Never Enough was hoping up and down like a school girl and saying "Isn't it great......?  It totally 'get me in the mood'"  I told her I thought it was gross and disgusting and that no man should treat a woman like that.... 

So..... I guess as we're talking about male dominant sex at the retreat that's okay........ but don't let the token lesbian come and pervert the place?

Rad.  lololol

I never saw Never Enough after the day I told her I was gay.

I called for playdates:   she was busy.
I called for coffee dates:  she was busy.
I called for movie dates:  she was busy.

About a month earlier Never Enough had called me to tell this horrible story about her friends and her friends relative whom Never Enough had asked to watch her kids while she rented a super fancy hotel in Portland for a special occasion with her husband.  She was *shocked* and totally pissed and the friend and the relative wanted $100 a day to do it..... I mean - Never Enough was *pissed*..... so I offered to do it.  I figured it would be like a mini vacation for me and the kids and I wouldn't ask her to pay me anything - it was the *least* I could do after they had done so much for me when I was moving and everything.

Well.... after all plans were in place..... I got a call a week before the intended hotel stay - and *AFTER* I had come out - to tell me that my "services" were no longer needed that Never Enough's Husband was upset when he found out how much the hotel room cost and he demanded she cancel the whole thing.

Umm.... I highly doubt that... but I suppose it's possible.

Truth be told, I would only ever hear from Never Enough if I had written about something on The Blog - about El Capitan or someone I was dating or whatever - and she would text me for the details that weren't on The Blog... which I would share.  Later... a mutual friend would point out that that was because Never Enough needed the details to talk to *her* friends about me..... yeah - probably. lolol

After I came out - most of my other friendships stayed mostly the same..... but I rarely heard from Never Enough. I started to wonder if she was more than busy - if she just didn't want to see me.  

Around this time things were heating up between Never Enough and the family friend who "took too many trips every year" and in the end..... Never Enough sent the friend a kiss off letter and unfriended her on facebook.... which - is kind of what Never Enough does..... 

But.  That family had much closer ties to Never Enough's family.... nothing had really happened between them - but the other lady had made better friends with other people and Never Enough was pissed about it.  Plain and simple.... but I never thought she would de-friend the woman.

When that happened.... I started to think my own friendship days with Never Enough were numbered.... texts got shorter and shorter..... messages on facebook got shorter..... and I kind of felt like I was 'walking the plank'.  

I hadn't made 'better friends' with anyone else..... I still wanted to be Never Enough's friend - our *kids* were friends and I kind of think that everyone comes with a sack of rocks - or sh*t they do that you don't like..... you either accept that and be their friend.... or you don't.  I had long decided that while I found Never Enough's - never enough attitude' and the friendship merry-go-round of gossip a bit much at times..... her ability to encourage people and be strong and love.... was just as important.  

For instance, the deck of 'inspirational' cards in the picture - was a gift from Never Enough who wrote,  "You are all these things"..... on the card.  She was always sending me little notes or meme's about courage and staying strong.  Well... *before* I was gay..... AFTER I was gay.... the cards and the notes and the meme's dried up totally......

Sooo..... I couldn't help but wonder, other than me..... what had changed?

Part Two tomorrow.

Belinda said:
No one cares that you are gay. It's not so shocking anymore and not news these days. But it did likely effect your relationship in ways that you won't discuss. Also, if I recall, your ex wrote you a letter and challenged you to post it in its entirety. You have not. It is hypocritical to devote your life and blog to attacking this guy publicly because he dumped you and refuse post a response. You lost credibility then.

****************************************************************

Alright..... let's get a few things cleared up.

ONE:  I *NEVER* said El Capitan wrote a letter that I refused to post.  El Capitan has NEVER written a letter to me, or about me - EVER.  (At least not that I have seen).  If there was such a letter from El Capitan, from La Novia, from a bonafide friend of theirs:  I would post it in it's entirety for sure.

Also - please keep in mind that El Capitan has been asked by:  the Dr. Phil Show, Anderson Cooper, The View, The Discovery Channel, The Jeff Probst Show - to APPEAR or be interviewed by them to give "his side" - and he has DECLINED every single time.

Actually.... have I not mentioned this before......?  EL CAPITAN had to sign *WAIVERS* for every single one of my television appearances - that our kids photos would be used, that I would be talking about him, our marriage, etc - and he agreed to my appearances.

In the Jeff Probst one, we allowed them to film profiles of the kids, but it wasn't until after we went to Disneyland that we agreed for them to appear on the Discovery Channel 'Karma is a Bitch'. 

Also, El Capitan is *fine* with the Blog and The Book..... so.... in an effort to be *as transparent* as possible - that's been done.... AND - I still have mutual friends with El Capitan - not to mention the fact that MY FRIENDS would not put up with me "lying" on The Blog.... not ever.  Jenny B and Chloe and J - those are some strong chicks.... they would most certainly call me out on bullsh*t if I was writing it.  
Believe that.

Also - Miss Belinda:  YOU are from Australia.  The website has an IP address tracker (all websites have IP trackers) and I can see that you live in Australia.  While Australia recognizes Domestic Partnership and provides "de facto" rights to taxes, etc that same-sex couples have..... the Australian government still defines "marriage" as 'one man and one woman'.

Just today, in New Zealand where marriage equality exists, the first Australian couple crossed the border to get married there - http://www.australianmarriageequality.com/wp/2013/08/20/aussie-gay-couple-wed-in-new-zealand/.

That seem likes kind of a big deal to me..... you know - the whole having to take a plane and enter a different country to get legally married.....  lolol

 Having said that, Oz gives immediate parental rights to lesbian partners whose same sex partner gives birth to a "mutually conceived child through IVF or insemination" at the moment of birth.  In *America* - two lesbians commit to having a baby, purchase sperm, get inseminated and ONLY THE WOMAN WHO CARRIES THE CHILD has parental rights, the other female partner must go through the *ENTIRE* process of a legal adoption to have any rights to the child.

I currently *live* in a state that does NOT recognize same-sex marriage.  In fact, nearly ten years ago they voted AS A STATE that marriage was *ONLY* between ONE MAN and ONE WOMAN.
Sigh. lol

FACT:  as of August 2013, ONLY THIRTEEN STATES of this great United States recognize same-sex marriage as equal and provide equal rights to same-sex marriages.

ALSO.... while *you* in Australia were providing equality in 1997 through recognized Domestic Partnership - being GAY was such a stigma in America that in October of 1998 that two men dragged Matthew Shepard out to a field, assaulted him, beat him, tied him to a post and let him die out there.  FOR BEING GAY.  :(  

So, when you say that "no one cares" about my "being gay"- I beg to differ on that point.  May be you don't give a sh*t..... but PLENTY of people in my country do - and it looks like your government does too.
Sigh.

I wish my country was as progressive in equality regarding the LGBTQ community.

When I was married to my first husband, he was from Australia.  His whole family lived in London (they had all moved over) and The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of The Desert came out.  (For those who don't know - it's a FANTASTIC film about two drag queens and a transwoman which featured Guy Pearce.  All of the women in the house were crazy for Guy Pearce and so we all went to see the film.

This was my *first* "exposure" to drag queens or trans persons - and it was hilariously eye opening and after the movie I remember commenting on how it was such an "odd" movie to make.... as in - how many people would actually *pay* to see such a movie (not too many people from my small town high school, I figured lol).  And they were all laughing at me and saying how America was so "prude" and "backwards" and how Gay Pride in Sydney is this MASSIVE event - a huge celebration.

My world was slightly Aussie heavy back then - Neighbors, Home & Away (wait.... Irene and Alf are STILL on the show????  holy crap.... that's rad), Shortland Street (from New Zealand) and Blue Heelers......  all great shows that I missed when I moved away. 

But it remains that Australian same-sex couples cannot be married.

And.... Hail Mary and I would have to move to Washington or California (on the West Coast) if we want to be legally married.  In 14 months, if enough signatures are collected, there will hopefully be a measure on the Oregon ballot to "legalize" gay marriage.... but there's no guarantee it'll pass.

After all, Oregon already voted on this in 2004 with Measure 36 which define marriage as ONE MAN/ONE WOMAN ONLY.  It passed with 54% of the vote statewide.  The measure banned same-sex marriage in the state of Oregon.

Which is too bad...... because my "straight" marriage was recognized as fully legal..... inspite of it's issue's and the cheating  - it's still MORE of a marriage in Oregon than any relationship I could currently have with Hail Mary.

Hail Mary who adores the kids.
Hail Mary who brushes their teeth and helps get them ready for bed.
Hail Mary who is teaching The Boy to ride a bike.
Hail Mary who spends over an hour freezing in the ocean "jumping" waves with them.
Hail Mary who..... would literally do anything for us.

Hail Mary who...... has become an instant friend and trusted adult in their lives.... and who means ... well - just about everything to me..... in the state of Oregon- she doesn't count.

WE don't count.
We can't be a "legal" family.

So.... yeah - that's kind of a big deal.

Alright then, that aside...... I included the document above because there's no reason for me to try and "hide" anything from anyone.... this is a *small* town and we still have a lot of mutual friends.  If I was posting a bunch of stuff that wasn't true.... I'd be getting my ass ripped on facebook and other outlets - where some blog readers are friends with me.  They seen *countless* people comment about El Capitan - and no one has ever said anything against whatever I've posted.

Additionally, there are/were countless media outlets who were chomping at the bit to get El Capitan to "talk" - but I've asked him over and over.... and he doesn't really feel like he has much to say.  He did something he shouldn't have.... that doesn't mean he shouldn't have left me or ended our marriage - but he shouldn't have just cheated while we were married - while I had *no* clue -and then left....... 

And - I *have not* devoted my life to "attacking" anyone.... f*cks sake... lololol
It's true that in the beginning there were a lot of mistakes made - by El Capitan and myself - and they are here for people to read about them..... but there was also a lot of learning and growth and healing that took place as well.  I think that has value.... may be it doesn't.  But, there are more than a few people who feel that it has, so that's enough for me......

Attacking El Capitan..... that's interesting.  

I asked El Capitan if he feels "attacked" - but he said no... he doesn't read The Blog, but he knows (generally) what I write... and I'm entitled to my opinion.
Fair enough.

My friends would tell you that there is a lot of things (negative) that have happened that I haven't shared on the blog..... but I do feel that there is a line and some amount of privacy should exist.

BTW.... you know....it's a free country:  El Capitan could start a blog of his own. :)

I have been *very* open and honest about the journey - from the ugly and the bad - the better and the amicable and the good..... I have been plainly honest that El Capitan has *never* missed a child support payment and while he and I are both a bit "relaxed" about the timing of said payments, he is not in "arrears" of any kind - which *a lot* of single Moms don't get that lucky.

I am grateful for all the efforts he makes to ensure that happens - while it might be a legal obligation - he could be a jackass about it if he wanted to.... but he chooses not to do that.  I consider that a kindness on his part.

Truth be told, of alllll the people who have 'appeared' on The Blog, there is only one is who "unhappy" - and that is Carhartt who, after we broke up, took serious issue with a post where I noted that Hail Mary get a long well with the children whereas Carhartt did not.  She felt I was "being mean" and "using" her for "entertainment" (just in that ONE post, mind you) and she felt I was making a comparison to "hurt" her.... which I wasn't - I was just blogging and noting something that's relevant to our lives.... that's all.  Nothing more, nothing less...... 

In regards to the *letter* that was sent to me - that was by an ex-friends husband.
I have long debated with myself whether or not I should post it..... but I suppose in an effort to be honest, I should.  So, in the coming days I will try to explain the circumstances around the letter being sent and I will post the letter as well - in it's entirety - as per the request of the sender.

So let's start off by stating that I am in * no way* related to, affiliated with or whatever... with the Royal Family.
Like... duh. lolol

However, this photo (the one to the left) made the rounds on facebook today with more that one person on FB commenting on the images 'craptasticness'..... and you know - let's face it:  it's a little craptastic.

When I first saw it I was.... I have to admit - I was a little bit annoyed.... I mean - if this was the first "professional" image they were releasing I was disappointed because there are certainly waaaaaaay better photogs in the UK.  

However, after reading the article attached, it turns out that HRH Kate had her own Daddy take the picture in their back garden.  
How sweet.

Hmm.... how sweet.....
How *normal*.

I should think that Diana is very proud of her boy right now.... even in her absence, he continues to live a normal life, working as 'normal' a job as he could have, shopping at the local Tesco, and using everyday pictures to release to the world wide press of his new born son..... He could have hired a fancy-pants - and expensive - photographer to come in and do that first "formal picture".... but they didn't. 

Instead.... they did was MILLIONS of people do - and they had a nice, normal picture taken of them:  for free.

Now..... let's be clear- the lighting on this image is a bit overexposed/underexposed, and the posing is a bit off balance, but it's still a very nice picture.  Plus, it say's to me:  we're normal, we're proud, this is our baby.
Which is *exactly* what 'first photos' for any family should say.

It's funny to me that here is a woman with endless financial means and whatnot, and yet she didn't Pinterest the sh*t out of this.... there are no gimmicky props or forced and fake poses.... just a nice portrait of a sweet family on a hot summer day.   

God..... does this mean I can possibly look forward to a future session of my own where the Mom didn't scour Pinterest for the latest and greatest gimmicks and gimmicky poses to lay at my feet for consideration?
That would be nice..... lololol

It's funny to me - because my story and this Blog are bereft of any fancy-pants qualities.... other than a general (albeit not great) improvement in my spelling and grammar.... I'm just trying to be as open and honest and forthcoming about things as possible.... and even without the advertising and the badges and the whatever people put on blogs to bring in an audience...... mine continues to grow.

I don't think it's *me* perse.... but I *do* think it's my honesty.

In a world where we only post our fabulous 'A Reel" of life to facebook and instagram - I think we all crave a little bit of honesty..... guess what: my marriage fell apart, my life went to sh*t.... and it f*cking sucked.... you can't get more honest than that.

I'm not alone.  I'm not the heaviest woman, skinniest woman, nicest, bitchiest... whateverest woman- whose husband left her.... thousands of us - men and women - get cheated on.

We all know pain... the kind of pain that drags us down to the bottom of where we think we can't climb out.... but no ones' really sharing that on their 'status update' while they are checking in for breakfast at IHOP.  hhmm..... waffles....... 

I have had many people - even some of my close friends - question why I am willing to share so much - especially when they know I never had intentions to be any kind of blogger or writer who would share so much detail..... and the truth is - I don't know.  I didn't plan this.... but at the same time - I'm not ashamed of any of it.

I'm not ashamed that I got cheated on and my marriage fell apart.
I'm not ashamed of the hurt and the anger and the pain.
I'm not ashamed of how I dealt with it.

I'm not ashamed I'm gay.

So - why not share it..... why not share what is *normal*?
What's the use in hiding any of it?

I think that the new Royal family is getting it right.... *doing* it right - and just being as normal as they can be... and more power to them.  

True.... not everyone is willing, or wants, to be as open as I am about the crap that goes down in their life, and I totally understand that... but - at the same time - does pretending that *everything* is "perfect" - does that help anyone?  Doesn't that put pressure on ourselves and our friends around us to live to a standard that is kind of unrealistic.......?

So..... 

Keep Calm
and 
Carry On Normal

Mind you.... the photographer in me couldn't help but *try* to make this photo just a bit better....working with the blown-out highlights and finishing it in a popular "haze" affect that will help "heal" some of the grain from being so underexposed.... it's not too shabby. :)

When El Capitan left, I was pretty public about it on facebook.  I wasn't nasty.... not usually... okay - may be sometimes I expressed my dissapointed and illustrated said feelings with current examples of douchbaggery... but, overall, I tried to keep it simple.

Point being:  anyone in my life or on my facebook wall could see what was happening.

The result was a crazy amount of support that came from surprising places - friends of friends who saw my posts after their friends commented on it - old clients, new clients or old friends from past walks in life.  

One such friend was Keifer.

I had gone to school with Keifer from K-6th grade when my family moved away to another state.  Years later we would reconnect on facebook through other friends and Keifer was never afraid to tell me his opinion... like when we decided to homeschool The Boy, I was pretty open about the decision making process on facebook.

One night Keifer messaged me and told me not to homeschool The Boy, and we had a intense debate about it - what it really came down to for me were my fears about current bullying that was taking place in Kindergarten and what future bullying he would face.  Keifer made all the usual points - that we face bullies in all aspects of our lives, we learn how to deal with different people, etc.... .but when I *still* wasn't swayed and I mentioned the bullying *we* experienced he said ..... "Yeah - and I was incredibly lucky that this cute girl with dark hair and blue eyes who look like Snow White was there to help defend me against those bullies..... how different would my experience have been if you weren't there for me?"

Good point..... but it still didn't work. lololol

As time went on, Keifer was *very* supportive when El Capitan left, messaging me and texting me all the time with jokes to make me laugh or asking me how I was... I thought that was very sweet of him.  And... when I came out of 37 year closet, Keifer was there to help dust off my cobwebs by sending me as *many* dirty lesbian jokes as he could find. lololol

He was most certainly in my corner 110% and even when other mutual friends would bring it up to him and ask... "how does someone "turn" gay" - Keifer was there patiently explaining that no one "turns" gay - and was more than willing to spend his time discussing my feelings and experiences and explaining things to people - defending me.... of sorts. 

As I said....I have awesome friends, huh?
Yup.... I know it and I'm grateful.

Anyhow.... our twenty year reunion was held recently and Keifer found me the topic of a few discussion and so he called me at the end of the weekend.  It was cool to hear stories about other people in our class, where they ended up in life, how many kids they have, etc.  He was *especially* giddy to tell me about one of the guys from our class whose wife also left him and "bats for the other team now". hahahaha
See.... I'm most certainly not the only one.

Which brought up the discussion of how being "gay" wasn't as "okay" as it now.... Keifer stopped and there was a pause, then he said, "Have I ever told you *why* I'm so supportive of you, as a lesbian and all?"

"Ummm.... nope, I don't think so," I replied.

And so Keifer explained:

In middle school a boy had come to school- after I had moved away - and he was obviously gay.  So obvious that he was the kind of kid who got relentlessly picked on for being "different".... which Keifer admitted that they all knew he wasn't *just* different:  he was gay.

Keifer said that he had never *really* picked on the kid...but he was there to laugh in the hall or in the classroom when other people did pick on him or bullied him.  He said that in all those instances he was just as bad as the kids actually saying things - because he never stood up for the kid.

Then he said, in his "defense" - socially he wasn't taught anything else.  Being gay was "weird" and "bad" and "gross" - at least in middle school terms.... we didn't have the awareness for differences back then and we certainly didn't have any understanding or tolerance.

He said that towards the end of 8th grade, out of ignorance and in-line with social acceptance he would make comments to this boy in the locker room like.... "Dude - don't stare at me". - but in the manner that the boy would be doing it in a sexual manner, not because he actually saw him doing it.  

Shortly after high school started, that boy stopped coming to school and everyone was saying that the kid had killed himself.  

Keifer said, "The second someone told me that this guy had killed himself - I knew, in my gut, that I was one of the reasons he would have done that.  All that teasing I never stopped.  All the jokes I laughed at.  All the rude comments in the locker room... all the times I never stood up for him.  I was guilty for causing part of his pain."

Keifer said that that fact put him into his own small depression/funk because he felt like sh*t:  he felt horrible.  After that he realized that being gay was nothing to kill yourself over and that someone else being gay really didn't affect him, should upset him, shouldn't be something he found "weird" or wrong" and his opinions on gay people changed forever.

He never laughed at someone else's inappropriate joke again.
It changed him for the better, though he never stopped thinking about the boy and what had happened and what he felt *his* role in that boys 'suicide' was.  

Then a few years after high school he standing in a Dairy Queen and lo-and-behold.... THAT GUY was there as well.  Alive and well. Still *Very* gay.... but standing there in the flesh: not dead.

Keifer was shocked and excited - and he noted his excited shocked the guy who explained his parents had to pull him out because of the bullying and everything. 

Keifer spent the rest of his school years and adult life being very pro LGBTQ - so much so that in his kids elementary school there was a transgender boy (this is a little girl who identifies as a "male" and dresses and acts as such) and that Keifers son was literally best friends with this child - having him over for sleep overs and going camping and all the normal stuff boys do with their friends and that this child had the *full* support as a "male" in Keifers family.

What a gift.
What a gift for that transgender child and their family.

One day, our society as a whole will stop bullying each other.... we will learn to value each other not at colors or genders, but as humans - because we should all learn the lesson that Keifer learned as a Freshman in high school:  no human should suffer so much socially that they take their own life.

At the same time, it's amazing to see *how much* change has taken place:
When Keifer was in school kids bullied the boy they thought was gay.
Keifers kid, however, is best friends with a transboy.  
That's the new normal: tolerance and acceptance.

Amazing..... truly amazing.

I was going to write a different post, which I will save for Monday now.
Then I came across this video on facebook - which I watched, and I was saddened and surprised to see it only has 35K views.
Sigh.

It's so true that life changes in a millisecond.
It's NOT. THE. SAME.  
It's not........ but the second that first text message came from La Novia, a cold sweat came over me: I knew in that instant that our lives were changed forever.

That was easy though..... that was the end of a marriage and the subsequent demise of a family.
Which is bad, but I've said a hundred times or more:  no one died.

This video is about several 'seconds' where lives are lost, marred, and changed forever in ways that are far worse that your husband hooking up with a cute co-ed.  It happens in a second.

I'm totally guilty of texting and driving.
How many "seconds" have I been lucky enough to escape or avoid?
How many "seconds" have passed where our car stopped in time?
I don't know..... I think that's the thing- you *DON'T* know until you do.... until those seconds catch up with you and your life changes.

So today I'm sharing this video and hoping to see the numbers go up by the end of the weekend.
These are important stories.
Stories worth watching every second of.

I lived through those 'seconds' and the months of anger and betrayal and eventual healing that followed..... but by comparison those 'seconds' are *nothing* compared to the 'seconds' of the families in the video.
Not only do I not want my kids to be harmed by someone else's texting and driving.... I don't want to be the reason they get harmed or the reason I harm someone else.

There are countless 'anti-texting and driving' apps..... my phone now has two.
Have a safe weekend.

Let me start off this blog by saying that I'm ever so slightly concerned that some Russian websites have started "referring" my site.  Let me explain.

There are several tools for keeping tabs on numbers of readers, how long they are here for each time the come, if they are new or old and the country they are from.... right down to an IP address in all cases as well.

I get lots of readers in American, Canada, the UK, Australia and Brazil and then a smattering of countries in the EU.  Only.... within the last month or so, I've started seeing a lot of 'referral searches' from two Russian sites based *IN* Russia.

That's a bit worrying for an openly gay blogger when Russia's government is *not* LGBTQ friendly.....
Sigh.

Good times.... good times.

That aside.... it's been a *busy* week.  We are preparing to make some pretty major changes around here, not the least of which is that the kids and I are moving out.... and I'm registering for a night school starting in November..... I *WILL* still photograph families, babies, kids and seniors through the fall and likely into next summer.... I just need to have a *concrete* job skill that I can present to an employer because you would *think* being super good at making people look pretty or making funny signs would get me hired.... it kind of doesn't. lololol

The biggest change is our moving.  This. is. HUGE.

Don't get me wrong.... it's been *great* to live with family.  In the beginning it was a great way for me to have the emotional freedom to 'check out' - be silent, be angry.... cry if I needed to.  And, there was another loving adult to help attend to the children if need be. 

It gave me time and space to process and deal and heal.
Which... was paramountly important because it also gave the kids the time and space to do the same things.  I'm entirely sure that that there is NO WAY we would be where we are emotionally if I had been juggling a job and the kids and our own places right away.  

Over time.... the healing turned to new beingings and I started going out to make a new life for us.  Regardless of whether or no I wanted to date men or women:  I had to get out there and make new friends - *single* friends.... so that I could start dating again.

In my case... I hit up every lesbro bar in town and every gay party that Portland throws (that's dozens a month for those who want to know..... Portland quite literally has some kind of 'gay something' every night of the week..... it *THE BEST TOWN* to be gay in.) and I started making friends..... and I started going out.
Which is odd for me.

Even in my younger days, I was not the kind of person who went out every night.
As a Mom - I hardly *EVER* went out.... and if I did, I tried to be home by 10pm so El Capitan and I could catch up on the various TV Shows we watched.

So, becoming a staple at the local gay bar on Tuesday Ladies Night till well after midnight.... well:  that's kind of new for me.  I don't usually leave the house until after the kids are in bed - but .... I *do* tend to sleep in... lololol and that leave those other WONDERFUL adults - like The Bubbie - picking up my slack and watching after the kids.

To some degree it *needed* to happen - I had to create a whole new life for myself.
A lesbian life.

Also.... after *everything* I've been through... a little dancing was well in order, dammit. lololol

Lately though.... as much as I *LOVE* going out - as much as I *ADORE* being a part of such an AMAZING LGBTQ community...... I've been missing that whole 'family' thing that I once loved so much.  Missing the family dinners and weekend outings and whatnot......

Since Hail Mary showed up.... things have been changing.  She loves the kids- loves spending time with them... with *us*:  so that's what we do.  Going on outings and riding bikes and going to the park...and it feels really good.
Really. Good.

So tonight I needed to pain the kids new room and Hail Mary was helping.... I was a bit nervous because this is the first 'project' we've done together and I wasn't sure how we would work together.... would we fight?  Would it be miserable and end up just being me doing all the work......?
Because that's how it used to be, to be frank.

There's a reason I can assemble *anything* from Ikea in 15 minutes or less: Ten years of practice!

But there we were in our paint clothes .... painting the kids room:  together.
And it was fantastic.... though I started taking over and doing too much and Hail Mary had to use her stern voice with me to tell me that we were not making the 'best use of our time' and that I should go back to doing the edging around the trim and leave her to doing the main wall area.... me doing both was inefficient.
She's right.... it was.

Later, she actually apologized for getting "snarky" over the 'time management issue' ... which had me laughing because she was right, the first place, and she was a bit grumpy may be.... but not snarky - oh... and we *started* this painting project at 9PM, so one is entitled to get grumpy for sure.
But I thought it was so sweet she was worried that she used a snarky tone with me.....

Overall.... things are getting kind of serious with Hail Mary..... may be more than kind of..... and lately I've been spending a lot of time trying to sift through the myriad of my thoughts and emotions to try to get to the nuts and bolts of how I feel about everything.... easier said that done.

When I was in my twenties, The Bubbie used to say.... "So-and-So should try to stay together - because they won't ever find a love like that again....."

And I would roll my eyes in utter annoyance becuase I was *pretty sure* that people find love in the 30s and 40s and at the very least... Hollywood was *full* of such love stories.... so what the HELL was Bubbie talking about.......?

Now, however.... I get it.
The Bubbie was right.

When I was in my 20s I was foot loose and fancy free.... I answered only to myself and I didn't yet have to think about things like taxes and retirement and mortgage payments and whatnot.... I could fall in love and chase after a start while shooting at the moon while riding rough-shot in Cupid car..... which very little abandon.

I wasn't thinking about my future so much as I was thinking about "living in the now!" and falling in love.... and literally *FALLING*. Head-Over-Mother-F*cking-Heels.... in love.  

The kind of love that could well leave you flat on your ass - but you don't care... because you're young and thin and pretty and you have *time* to find another love......
And you do it over and over and over.......

In my 30s, as a single Mom.... sh*t leaves me on my ass all the time... but love takes a back seat to most of those other things.  I have strong feelings for someone- but they are weighted down.... *tied* down by responsibility, being a Mom, financial concerns...... and so when my heart starts to take flight and I get that giddy feeling..... it's immediately met three-fold by worries about public school and where we're going to move.... and how I'm going to pay my bills... and *is* going to night school the right choice......?

Oh.... and then amongst that is how hot and amazing and freaking *AWESOME* Hail Mary is.... and then suddenly I'm thinking about what I'm going to do for childcare if we move away from Bubbie.... how am I going to make everything work......?

So you see.... The Bubbie was right..... You never really do love the same again.... however, since the mad, passionate love I had for El Capitan sputtered and died..... may be finding a different kind of connection, a more thoughtful love in my 30s will actually be the kind of love and relationship that will last forever..... or it won't. 

So I stopped trying to compare or over think things and just take every day - every moment... every *experience* that I have with Hail Mary and truly enjoy them.... tonight I was almost (secretly) brought to tears when we were painting the kids rooms - because *this* the 'stepping in the pain can'/paint in our hair/paint on our hands/laughing/working together to make something for the kids.... THIS is the memory I wanted to have with El Capitan .... and never did.  I put together Cribs.... on my own.  I built bikes and Coupe Cars and loft beds and painted and whatever..... by myself for ten years.

Tonight I had a partner.... tonight I had an equal who helped me.
Tonight I had a partner .... who laughed with me.
Tonight... for the first time ever:  I wasn't alone doing this kind of thing.
And it was amazing..... and isn't that was love is:  amazing?

We'll see..... we'll see.......