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Raw... just raw.

11/18/2012

2 Comments

 
I feel like I need to apologize.... I know that the blog has been a little less "we're gonna' make it!" and a little more.... how the f*ck did this happen?

It's not that I'm not trying - *really*, it's not.  I got an email from a well-meaning friend and it suggested that I "tuck it in" and move on -..... I wish it were that easy. 

God, how I wish it were that easy.

The holidays are coming... and I find myself dreading them.  It's selfish and wrong... think of all the woman who *want* children and can't have them - or who have buried their own.... and here I sit, dreading the coming days.  It's wrong and selfish and I feel terribly about it.

Then I realize it's just one more thing to feel terrible about. lol

Right now I'm writing the book... I'm actually on a short deadline now - not much longer to go.  The ISBN has been ordered and I have to be finished in the coming days.

It's really strange to be "writing a book".  Really.  I'm most certainly not qualified to be doing it - I feel a bit self conscience about even doing it.  Honestly.  While I do not think my writing style is good enough (and thank God for having an editor who fixes everything - like grammar and spelling!).

However.... how many times in my life is someone going to ask me if I want to write a book?  Right?
How kind of awesome is the idea of having a registered, official ISBN with my name on it?
Pretty freaking awesome.... so, I couldn't really pass it up, concerns about my actual writing abilities aside.

I've finished the first.... four or five chapters, which is around 20,000 words - which isn't too shabby, but is a far cry from where I need to be.

The hardest part though is writting, truthfully, about how it *was* because..... it was good.  It was amazing... I was blissfully happy and truly thought that I had found my Edward, so to speak..... right up until El Capitan became someone else's Edward.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about that lately, probably too much thinking, truth be told.  But, there I was - believing in this man - all he could, all he did for us - how hard he worked... how *lucky* I was to have him in my life.  How lucky I was that he loved ME - that he was married to ME.

I really, felt.... blessed.

Going back to the early days - thinking about him it bring me right back to the moments of our first kiss where my entire body ached to be near him in the days/weeks/months that followed.  Right up until the night he left - I never liked being away from him.  It was never about control, or wanting to "control" him - it was just about always wanting to be near him, be around him. 

I never tired of him, or his stupid jokes.  El Capitan is the *king* of dumb jokes - a bit of a schtick he's always done.... and you would think that over time I would bore of them - find them and the man telling them: annoying.  But I never did.

I never did.  What a fool i was.

We talked on Saturday after he saw the kids - he asked me how the book was going.  I reminded him that he needs to send me an email confirming he knows I'm writing the book, that he supports it, etc.

He say's I have "carte' blanch" to write whatever I want.  I think he knows that i won't cross certain lines.

He asked me how the book was coming along and I told him where I was at in our timeline - I told him.  I told him a few of the stories in the book - he laughing and remembering it - he said it sounded like just how it was.

Then I asked him the question I have been longing to ask him for weeks:  Was it all real?  Was i wrong - was it all in my head, for ten years?  Did he ever love me the way I thought he did?

Did we love each other the way I thought we did?

He waited a second, his voice broke a little and he said, "It was real.  It was all real - I loved you more than anything."

I almost stopped breathing, then I said, "I just ... I thought that I had found my 'Edward' - my soul mate ... and now - Yoga Girl thinks that you're *her* Edward... and I just don't know where it all went wrong."

All he could say was.....  "I know... I know she does."

With that, I had to hang up.  I just couldn't talk anymore.

So that's where I'm am.... just kind of raw, lately.  Trying to write about where we started and being honest about - not twisting it into something it wasn't - either good or bad.  There were a lot of friends and family who were there - so if i get it wrong, for any reason, they'll know.  Mostly though... I know the kids will read it one day - and I want to make sure I get it right for them. 

Mostly, though, I'm just raw.

I think about how much longer I'll feel this way.... and, I have to admit, I'm a little envious.  Knowing how much I loved him, how intense our feelings were - that's.... rare.  You don't always get that kind of passion in your life - and to lose it.... no - not *just* lose it - but lose it to someone else.... it's cruel.

This week is Thanksgiving, and i know I have a lot to be grateful for.  A lot.  But the rawness of the loss is still just too new, too fresh..... I haven't even been divorced for 6 full months, and we have barely been broken up for 6 months.  What a mind f*ck that is to think about.....

LeAnn Rimes is still waxing on about how awful it's been for her to steal someone else's husband YEARS AGO.... I sure as sh*t hope I'm not still whining about El Capitan in two years. 






2 Comments
Alex
11/19/2012 01:17:25 am


Hey Elle!

I'm sorry you're going through a more down cycle right now. You'll be up and down, and again, stop comparing your grief to the grief of others and feeling guilty because you are sad that the love of your life has become a total dick, and your world turned upside down in such a quick time span.

Again, you have a right to your grief and to feel it. Know how you feel sort of elated or can finally get some real sleep after a really good cry? Time your crying, but go ahead and do it for a while to get it out of your system. <<hugs>> Then get back up and fake it.

Those sad thoughts can plunge one into a full blown depression if they aren't being caused by one that's already there, so don't visit these places in your mind right now.

If you can do something to help people who are worse off, by all means help, it will actually actually get you out of your own head and be healthy. If you can't, you're just taking on an extra burden mentally. Later will be the time to snap out of it and be grateful it isn't worse, but when it's so fresh, you can't really do that.

That exchange you had with El Capitan must have been heart wrenching, and I don't know what to make of it. I feel like he either said a lot by what he conspicuously left out of the conversation, or he's been an emotionally manipulative asshole. Or both. When you told him that Yoga Girl now thinks he's her Edward his statement of ; <<All he could say was..... "I know... I know she does.>> tells me something. He didn't say that he *was* her Edward. Far from it. He confirmed her belief, and the conspicuous absence of saying "I am" as to being her Edward makes me think he really isn't all that in love with her. At least not anymore.

He's an asshole either way, and I'm sure you read my long winded recreational armchair diagnosis of him as an asshole, including what particular type of asshole according to criteria in the DSM. I'd be very happy to see I'm wrong and he pulls his head out of his ass, proclaims mea culpa and shapes up. And gets help for whatever was causing his bizarre paranoia a couple of weeks ago.
















Hey Elle!

I'm sorry you're going through a more down cycle right now. You'll be up and down, and again, stop comparing your grief to the grief of others and feeling guilty because you are sad that the love of your life has become a total dick, and your world turned upside down in such a quick time span.

Again, you have a right to your grief and to feel it. Know how you feel sort of elated or can finally get some real sleep after a really good cry? Time your crying, but go ahead and do it for a while to get it out of your system. <<hugs>> Then get back up and fake it.

Those sad thoughts can plunge one into a full blown depression if they aren't being caused by one that's already there, so don't visit these places in your mind right now.

If you can do something to help people who are worse off, by all means help, it will actually actually get you out of your own head and be healthy. If you can't, you're just taking on an extra burden mentally. Later will be the time to snap out of it and be grateful it isn't worse, but when it's so fresh, you can't really do that.

That exchange you had with El Capitan must have been heart wrenching, and I don't know what to make of it. I feel like he either said a lot by what he conspicuously left out of the conversation, or he's been an emotionally manipulative asshole. Or both. When you told him that Yoga Girl now thinks he's her Edward his statement of ; <<All he could say was..... "I know... I know she does.>> tells me something. He didn't say that he *was* her Edward. Far from it. He confirmed her belief, and the conspicuous absence of saying "I am" as to being her Edward makes me think he really isn't all that in love with her. At least not anymore.

He's an asshole either way, and I'm sure you read my long winded recreational armchair diagnosis of him as an asshole, including what particular type of asshole according to criteria in the DSM. I'd be very happy to see I'm wrong and he pulls his head out of his ass, proclaims mea culpa and shapes up. And gets help for whatever was causing his bizarre paranoia a couple of weeks ago.

Reply
Dana Lee
11/19/2012 11:23:51 am

My gosh women, you are beautiful inside and out. All I have to say about her is.... "If she can get him, she can have him" ! This was a blessing even though you don't know it yet. Your shinning moment is coming and it will be better then what you had! This didn't happen because of him or for him...this happened for you. You've gotten the best part of him ( your children ) and now it's time for you to pass him up and move ahead, into the stars, into the future, into heaven on earth. I guess it had to happen this way because you probably would have stayed and it was meant for you to move on.... good luck! and I can't wait to read about it (book? hint hint).

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