It's not that I'm not trying - *really*, it's not. I got an email from a well-meaning friend and it suggested that I "tuck it in" and move on -..... I wish it were that easy.
God, how I wish it were that easy.
The holidays are coming... and I find myself dreading them. It's selfish and wrong... think of all the woman who *want* children and can't have them - or who have buried their own.... and here I sit, dreading the coming days. It's wrong and selfish and I feel terribly about it.
Then I realize it's just one more thing to feel terrible about. lol
Right now I'm writing the book... I'm actually on a short deadline now - not much longer to go. The ISBN has been ordered and I have to be finished in the coming days.
It's really strange to be "writing a book". Really. I'm most certainly not qualified to be doing it - I feel a bit self conscience about even doing it. Honestly. While I do not think my writing style is good enough (and thank God for having an editor who fixes everything - like grammar and spelling!).
However.... how many times in my life is someone going to ask me if I want to write a book? Right?
How kind of awesome is the idea of having a registered, official ISBN with my name on it?
Pretty freaking awesome.... so, I couldn't really pass it up, concerns about my actual writing abilities aside.
I've finished the first.... four or five chapters, which is around 20,000 words - which isn't too shabby, but is a far cry from where I need to be.
The hardest part though is writting, truthfully, about how it *was* because..... it was good. It was amazing... I was blissfully happy and truly thought that I had found my Edward, so to speak..... right up until El Capitan became someone else's Edward.
I've been doing a lot of thinking about that lately, probably too much thinking, truth be told. But, there I was - believing in this man - all he could, all he did for us - how hard he worked... how *lucky* I was to have him in my life. How lucky I was that he loved ME - that he was married to ME.
I really, felt.... blessed.
Going back to the early days - thinking about him it bring me right back to the moments of our first kiss where my entire body ached to be near him in the days/weeks/months that followed. Right up until the night he left - I never liked being away from him. It was never about control, or wanting to "control" him - it was just about always wanting to be near him, be around him.
I never tired of him, or his stupid jokes. El Capitan is the *king* of dumb jokes - a bit of a schtick he's always done.... and you would think that over time I would bore of them - find them and the man telling them: annoying. But I never did.
I never did. What a fool i was.
We talked on Saturday after he saw the kids - he asked me how the book was going. I reminded him that he needs to send me an email confirming he knows I'm writing the book, that he supports it, etc.
He say's I have "carte' blanch" to write whatever I want. I think he knows that i won't cross certain lines.
He asked me how the book was coming along and I told him where I was at in our timeline - I told him. I told him a few of the stories in the book - he laughing and remembering it - he said it sounded like just how it was.
Then I asked him the question I have been longing to ask him for weeks: Was it all real? Was i wrong - was it all in my head, for ten years? Did he ever love me the way I thought he did?
Did we love each other the way I thought we did?
He waited a second, his voice broke a little and he said, "It was real. It was all real - I loved you more than anything."
I almost stopped breathing, then I said, "I just ... I thought that I had found my 'Edward' - my soul mate ... and now - Yoga Girl thinks that you're *her* Edward... and I just don't know where it all went wrong."
All he could say was..... "I know... I know she does."
With that, I had to hang up. I just couldn't talk anymore.
So that's where I'm am.... just kind of raw, lately. Trying to write about where we started and being honest about - not twisting it into something it wasn't - either good or bad. There were a lot of friends and family who were there - so if i get it wrong, for any reason, they'll know. Mostly though... I know the kids will read it one day - and I want to make sure I get it right for them.
Mostly, though, I'm just raw.
I think about how much longer I'll feel this way.... and, I have to admit, I'm a little envious. Knowing how much I loved him, how intense our feelings were - that's.... rare. You don't always get that kind of passion in your life - and to lose it.... no - not *just* lose it - but lose it to someone else.... it's cruel.
This week is Thanksgiving, and i know I have a lot to be grateful for. A lot. But the rawness of the loss is still just too new, too fresh..... I haven't even been divorced for 6 full months, and we have barely been broken up for 6 months. What a mind f*ck that is to think about.....
LeAnn Rimes is still waxing on about how awful it's been for her to steal someone else's husband YEARS AGO.... I sure as sh*t hope I'm not still whining about El Capitan in two years.