I wanted it to come.... it must be a bit like having some kind of tumor - right? There's this really bad thing in your life or your body and you *have* to cut it out. It *HAS* to be gone if you're gonig to heal and thrive and survive..... but, to cut it out, you have to have surgery - there has be a severing of something.
So, then for a while... the threat to your life and your happiness and your future isn't the growth or the tumor of the bad thing that has invaded you: it's the severing of it.
This weekend was all about severing and it sucked.
If I'm being totally honest... and when am I not? I was useless. I was a crying, blubbering, swollen face mess.
My Mom and I did almost all of the packing in July before we put the house on the market, so a lot of stuff was already done. I had two friends Jenny-Jen-Jen and Miss Chloe who came with their moral husbands who are nice guys who don't eff over their wives..... - and they moved out most of the house in shifts on their days off.
It goes without saying... I have nice friends.
Saturday started out with promise - my very best friend and soul mate - Lashla is my nickname for her - sent the kids and I a gift card to Disneyland Resort to help us get there. It was ... humbling and amazing and kind and .... had me in all kinds of happy tears. Lashla and I have been friends 15 years. FIFTEEN YEARS! She paid for my bridal bouquet when I married El Capitan. She loves me for me... always has, always will. She also happens to love Disneyland as much as I do.... lolol
I still cannot believe she did that.
Then we had to go to our friends first daughters birthday - which was a whoooot! Complete with an adorable owl theme! The kids had fun playing with their family dog and it made me realize that perhaps, down the road, I should think about adding a small pup to our family line-up. The Boy was especially thrilled to throw a stick and have the dog return it over and over and over.... a built in best-friend. Probably something The Boy could really use.
Then, once the party was done, it was time to return to our home for the last time and remove the rest of our stuff. All the stuff that we had left for staging - The Boys room, The Girls Room.....
It was really The Girls room that had me sitting on the floor sobbing. I was trying to take apart her bed. In her room there was an area that used to be a closet, but instead held perfectly, as though it was made just for her room, this wonderful day bed from Ikea. The bed had been a gift from another friend who went through something similar to me - only it was years ago and it was El Capitan and I movign *her* out of her house and into apartments and whatnot.
She recently brought up how El Capitan had said *plenty* to say when her husband when he left them, cheating and what not... and now, here *I* sit, relying on friends to help me move because El Capitan left us.
I'll be honest... there's been waaaaay too much irony in my life as of late. I'm over it. Alanis Morrisette can have it all.... irony sucks.
So, I was trying to take the bed apart and the screw was stuck and I was mad and sad.... really, really, really sad. So I sat on the floor crying so hard that everyone else left the house one by one after knocking on the door because ... well, there's just something about hearing someone in that kind of pain - it's hurts the listener, too. I tried not to try, I've been doing really well lately - but it was all just too too much and I broke down.
Sadly.... my poor, wonderful buyers were there to help me move stuff. I haven't talked much about them, but they are truly wonderful people. Really. I'm so blessed they are buying my house - I cannot imagine anyone else living there. It actually helps me deal with the loss, it helps me accept it - because I know how much they love the house and how happy they are going to be living there.
However... I think listening to me wringing out what was left of my broken heart, I think that that was hard for them and I felt very bad that they saw that. Inspite of that, they knocked softly on the door, asked if they could get me anything and then kept on moving things to the UHaul and taking out trash and doing all the heavy lifting with my Dad.
Needless to say.... I have nice buyers.
My Mom cleaned the kitchen and all the rooms while my Dad loaded and loaded and loaded the truck. My parents have been picking up the slack of El Capitan for a long time, as far as they are concerned - so while they are somewhat accustomed to it - they don't enjoy it. Still... they are always there for me no matter what to make things better for me and the kids.
I'm very very lucky to have such nice parents.
Jenny-Jen-Jen and her family and our friend Miss Cheryl all came to help pack and load as well. Which was amazing because those two gorgeous ladies had already given up their Girls Night Out on Thursday to help me pack and move stuff in our cars to the storage unit on Thursday night. I had been on a scrapbooking retreat with those lovely ladies the weekend I came home to find out about everyone's favorite homewrecking 22 year old.... my FIRST "vacation" away from kids - EVER. Unreal.
Jenny-Jen-Jen has had a ring side seat to this chaos and heartbreak since day one. Thankfully.... my uber puffy eyes, zombie-like stares, tendancy to cry and general anger haven't budged her even one inch from that side.. and I am very grateful for that.
I have very, very nice friends.
The Boy was alllll over the map. He was crying over so many things as they were loaded into the truck. Silly things like the Superman stickers on his dresser: he *HAD* to have them. He was sobbing when he saw them leaving. So I pulled them off the dresser. Then he was crying over certain toys... so I pulled them off the storage truck. It seems that at some point during the day I pocket dialed El Capitan and he was inadvertantly left a voicemail message of The Boy sobbing about things.... and get this: El Capitan was *annoyed* at me!!!!
I guess it's ok for our buyers, my family and our friends to bear witness to emotional devastation of losing our home - but El Capitan had better not be bothered with it? Sorry dude.... sorry you got a 30 second clip of what my ENTIRE F*CKING DAY WAS LIKE..... I sure as sh*t hate to inconvience you.
Then.... things went south and I LOST. MY. SCHMIDT. big time.
I was screaming and yelling and dropping fbombs like a World War II pilot flying low over Berlin..... and like any good pilot at emotional war: I did not spare the women, the children or the innocent in my rampage.....
I wasn't very proud of myself. I'm still not.
Sometimes there's just only so much one person can take. In retrospect, I shouldn't have been there. I shouldn't have been around nice, caring, kind people who only wanted to help. I should have been there alone - to say good bye and digest the reality of losing my home: alone.
I was not very nice to my buyers, my parents.... or my friends.
It wasn't on purpose, and I didn't really scream *at* anyone, just kind of .... *around* everyone. Filling the air with my copious amounts of anger and pain and grief.... oh, the grief. Making the air thick with obscenities and tears, it wasn't a very nice way to thank them for their time and hard work and support. It was rude.
I let the kids jump on the bed as high at they could go.... it's headed to the dump (courtesy of my neighbor) - so I didn't care if it damaged it or not. That bed was handed down to us from El Capitan's Grandpa nine years ago... for a while it went to live with his brother and the wife his brother cheated on and deserted. when he ditched his wife and moved on with his pregnant mistress, we traded beds with the ex-wife because she could fit her babies crib in her room if she had a smaller bed.
She warned me at the time that that bed had bad 'mojo' and we should burn it.... we probably should have.
So the kids jumped and jumped and we laughed and snuggled one last time on the bed that I nursed them both on (when they born... *not* nurning them now - lol) - and it made me sad to know that we won't be sleeping on that bed anymore. It's a silly thing.... I know. A First World problem for sure.... but, it still made me sad.
I tried to keep it together.... I really did. But I lost it...... I cried about being on the edge, about the pain and I yelled a bunch when a well-meaning friend was carrying a poorly assembled shelf unit and it broke (note the poorly assembled part) - and I wasn't mad about the shelf or the friend.... iwas JUST MAD. And at the same time, I felt horrible - even in the moment - because I knew it was wrong and I was likely damaging my friends feelings when they were only trying to help. How ungrateful I would seem.... even though the reality is that the ONLY thing pulling me through the day - forcing me to move forward, was the support of my friends, buyers and family who were holding me up and ever so gently helping me to move forward.
Like said... I wasn't very nice.
So, now my home stands empty. My studio stands empty..... empty and alone. So, my house and I have a little something in common right now. lol
I called El Capitan - to see when he was going to see the kids... to talk about a new school homeschool program for The Boy.... I told him that I'm very very very angry with him. That it's not fair that we lose everything and he never gave me a chance to try to save it.... he never tried to save it himself. But I told him that I'm trying to keep the angry ex-wife at bay - and keep the needs of My Kids Mom at the forefront. My Kids Mom wants things to run smoothly with My Kids Dad, she wants harmony and happiness for her children and the adults who love them. However, it's hard when El Capitan's Ex-wife is hurting so much. It's a daily struggle.
Finaly though, the day came to an end. The last pieces of my life were loaded into a storage unit and a giant door rolled down and locked them inside. I stood outside the door and wondered if I threw my anger, my pain, the grief and the fear into the unit next to the children's painting easel and The Girls dismantled bed - if I could close the door quick enough to lock that all inside.... lock it away from me.
If I could pull down the rolling door and sever those emotions, leaving them on the otherside.
Everyone keeps telling me that when G*d closes a door, He opens a window. While I know that I certainly can't tell G*d what to do - and I know it's important to wait on His time and His plan...... well, to be blunt - the mask isn't dropping down fast enough - I'm running out of air and if something doesn't happen - I might just cut my own way out. lol
Last night as I snuggled with my two babies I thought about all the things we lost.... and then I considered all the things we've gained: love, support, friendship and understanding of our friends, our family, our buyers.... and each other.
All in all.... I have a nice family, nice buyers and nice friends.... which all add up to having a very nice lif