No Really.
The first season American Idol was on was during our first year of marriage. We didn't have much - the usual hand-me-down furniture mixed in with wedding presents all shoved into this cute little apartment that situated on the top/second floor. It overlooked the children's play structure - we were years from having kids, but I have always rented places that overlook a park, a school or a play structure - I love the sound of children laughing. I always have... I think I can trace it back to 'Somebody' by Depeche Mode on their Some Great Reward album. It's a love song and at the end of the song the sound of children laughing and playing rises up over the music - I always thought that that was how a wedding should be - in a park, set among people having picnics and children being loud - a love story set against the backdrop of life and reality.
Years and years and at least 80 pounds ago, I was living in a flat in Glasgow and it was right across from a primary school on Cecil St. Every morning I would pull open the window and sit on the ledge eating a bowl of cereal just listening to the children play. Life comes at you so fast, I've always worried that I'll forget everything that matters along the way. All those little moments of life that seem insignificant and yet are the pieces of the puzzle of our lives that make up the bigger picture.... so I would sit on the window sill and
close my eyes and listen and just *be* in that moment. Be *THERE* - watching the children in their blue and grey uniforms playing and screaming and laughing. Sometimes *being* in another country isn't so much about seeing it's landmarks or waiting in long lines full of tourists.... sometimes - it's just about being there.
Taking in the feel of the concrete ledge, the smell of the city, the sun on my face and sweet uniformed children at recess - it's not the Glasgow too many tourists would get to see. I find that in general though, no matter where you are, children bring you such joy if you just sit and watch and listen..... but - you know - without the intention of stealing one, of course.
So I chose our first apartment because the living room overlooked the bright red play structure and I could sit in the late afternoon and listen to the kids playing. It was a small flat and we only had a love seat - instead of a couch - and one futon. The love seat faced the TV and El Capitan and I would sit there every night and watch TV together. In his younger years, El Capitan wanted to be a writer for TV or a comedy writer.... in the early days I thought we might move to LA so he could pursue that, but in the end, he didn't want to go. However, our marriage was strongly rooted in a love for well-written TV shows and movies.
Note - I said *well-written* - so naturally it all started with That 70s Show. bwahahahah (true story, in
fact I camethisclose to naming The Boy - Kelso - honestly.)
When American Idol started I wanted to watch it because the UK had similar type shows and ... after the first episode I was hooked. Having actually worked in the music industry in the UK I was thrilled to see Simon telling it all and showing people what it's often *really* like for these kids who try to show their stuff to A&R people. I knew this one A&R guy in London who gave any demo tape 10 seconds. He said if a song didn't 'speak' to him in the first 10 seconds it wasn't worth listening to. How harsh is that? lol
In fact, in my humble experience, I thought Simon was actually kind of nice to these kids - telling them how it was. At the same time, I think it's helped us all realize that someone's size or looks *might* not be a reason we wouldn't buy their CD - but many, many years ago.... it was a reason you might not get signed to a major label.
"Video Killed The Radio Star" isn't just a song in my humble opinion. haha
Anyhow...... I wasn't *nearly* as in love with Tamyra Gray as the judges were and we were both jumping on the love seat when Kelly Clarkson won.
Every night we sat there, together holding hands and watching American Idol, re-runs of That 70s Show on the WB, Hero's, Lost, Smallville, The Simpsons, Family Guy... the list is rather endless - but the day almost always
ended with us watching and dissecting our shows .... holding hands.
Oh, and I should mention that it was far *less* couch potato than you would think, For El Capitan and I watching TV is almost a full contact sport (with our clothes on- lol). We like discuss and analyze the writers, the formula they are using and.... the most important thing: spotting the recycled b-actors. El Capitan is a bit of a 'Rain Man' when it comes to people and dates and movies and stuff, he'd spend hours and hours and hours watching and re-watching LOST looking for he 'easter eggs' and checking all the message boards - wow -
what a bit of a disappointment the finale was for us. lol
I'm proud to note though, that I won the battle of allllll battles when only a few minutes into an episode of CSI in 2007 I noticed that 'hooked number three' was actually 'Chrissy' from Growing Pains - the baby sister brought in to add a few extra seasons once Kirk Cameron was moving on..... and I was right - it was Ashley Johnson.
BooYaaaa.... stupid things, I know - but still. I won. hahaha.
There are just some shows we never missed, American Idol being one of them. The Boy still stands right next to the TV watching and waiting for Ryan Seacrest to say - *THIS* is *AMERican IDol!
This year... I almost couldn't finish the season because El Capitan left right around the Top Seven week...
Instead of El Capitan to sit next to me and regal all the singers that have come and gone and went.... nowhere after the show finished. It was just me, swollen faced, tissue's spread around the room and usually with two sleeping kids heaped on top of me. Just hearing the opening music would make me cry - how silly is that, right?
When Phil Phillips won there was no on there to discuss whether or not they would take him down the Dave Mathews road or the Mumford road.... it was just me: alone.
I haven't given much thought to American Idol since...though I was totally unable to watch Big Brother - which has *never* happened because El Capitan and I were HUGE fans of Big Brother (Boogie & Will all the way!) - incidentally did you know that Ashton Kutcher and Mike (Boogie) from Big Brother 2 both had investment stakes in Dulce - a restaurant in LA? It's true....
Last Tuesday, driving home from dropping off El Capitan at his truck after signing our title papers for the house a song came on the radio. At first I thought it was Mumford- the bass line and the clapping - but then I heard a sweeter, softer voice and realized it was Phil Phillips from AI. I turned it up ... and then had to pull over.
Sure, sure, the entirety of my journey thus far was not intentionally wrapped up for me in a nice bow by Jimmy Iovine.... and yet: it was.
This is MY song, and if you're going through this right along with me - pockets full of soggy tissues, two tired arms holding up crying kids and dragging baggage that only the finest of therapists is going to be able to help you unpack - then this song is also for YOU:
HOME - Phillip Phillips
"Hold on, to me as we go
As we roll down this unfamiliar road
And although this wave is stringing us along
Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home
Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found
Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home
Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found
Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home"
That's it. *RIGHT THERE* ... everything I want to tell my kids in my adult words but in a way that their innocent hearts can hear it. I don't know what's coming... sh*t - I'm still trying to process the waves of pain and anger and betrayal that got us here... and while the fears of the future and the demons of wrong-doing in the past continue to haunt us all .... we'll be ok.
Our road is not one I thought we would travel, and I grow tired of hitting emotional potholes and Yoga Girl sink holes (found between her legs, of course) that suck me back down dragging my kids and their emotional fragility with me.... sometimes we're walking, sometimes we're crawling and sometimes - I'm sitting on the side of that road just waiting for the pain to roll past me or over me - whichever it chooses.
I wrote this in The Boy and The Girls' baby books: "Settle down, it'll all be clear. Don't pay no mind to the demons, they will fill you with fear. The trouble it might drag you down, It you get lost, you can always be found (because Mommy will always find you). Just know you're not alone.... Cause I'm going to make this place your home." Then put a CD of the song in each of their books.
Buy it. Put it on repeat and live it.... and make whatever place you're in - your home.
http://www.amazon.com/Home/dp/B0089IR6Q6/ref=sr_shvl_album_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1348905996&sr=301-1