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Our New Normal...

9/27/2012

11 Comments

 
It was so strange to get up yesterday and although my entire world has changed….. Nothing *seemed* different. The Boy woke up with a horrible stomach ache; he held his tummy and whimpered all morning snuggled in bed….. it was like he knew the world had changed and it’s wasn’t ‘sitting right’ with him.

Yeah, yeah… that *sounds* melodramatic – but no fever, no other symptoms and after a few hours and a wee nap, he was better and didn’t have any other symptoms all day.  

Strange.

The Boy already had a standing doctor appointment  –and El Capitan came with us.  I think that, on some level, I should be a bit proud of the fact that he and I can share the same air in a small space and I’m not tempted to throw him out of the moving vehicle. Lolol

I think that it’s good for the kids to see us together as well.  I used to hug him goodbye and say,“We love you, Daddy……” when he would leave. The counselor told me that I had to stop that because I wasn’t being honest anymore.  She said while I shouldn’t influence the kids and their feelings with my words, I also cannot
‘lie’ to them either.  They *know* something is happening and that it’s ‘bad’ for me – so trying to make it all
seem ‘normal’or the same on the surface will only teach them to pretend in life and won’t give them the tools to heal.

So while it’s not all rainbows and unicorns and lucky charms of happiness…. It’s pleasant.  We laugh at the kids being silly.  We talk about his work and what’s going on….. and *if* what I think is going to happen is going to happen… then you’ll *all* be finding out a lot more about his work. Lolol.  

We’ll see.

It appears… for the most part, that again – I’m only entitled to my personal opinions’ about my own life so long as I don’t dare cause ‘harm’ to any one’s bottom line. Rather sad if you ask me.

Anyhow….. it was normal. It was almost like our life was six months ago – BYG.  It was almost like it always was for the ten years we were married…. And I thought that that would make me cry.  I thought that I wouldn’t be able to hold it together.

A few times I had to pinch my middle finger between my thumbnail and my ring finger – I do this when I don’t want to cry.  I pinch really hard (I’ve drawn blood several times now… lol) – but the pain keeps me from crying about the other pain, so I consider it a good trade off.

Little bit of tooting again….. go f*cking me!  Look at that… shat alllll over my life and my dreams and ripped apart my heart – and there I sat like a normal, calm, human being capable of holding a polite conversation.

I should get a Gold Medal for that. Hahaha.

I think it was really really good for the kids though… I’m not sure what is in store for them with El Capitan – how much he’ll be around or not be around, etc.  Either way, they have to learn that people will let us down, they will hurt us and disappoint us BUT if they are people who play a key role in our lives – we will sometimes have to find a way to move forward with them.

Hopefully, there was some moving forward today.

The Bubbie had to run to the house because today the movers came to move my Noni’s piano.  Noni is my Godmother – she’s known me since I was born and she. is. amazing.

She’s a power house of strength and love – and she taught me how to buy a proper bra and how a bra that actually fits should make your boobs look.  THAT is the kind of advice any woman can use.  That’s my Noni for ya’.  The piano was her Mom’s and is from the early 1900’s and it’s beautiful.  One of my most prized possessions’ – and something The Girl loves to ‘play’.

Then The Bubbie had to measure and write down all the children’s heights from the trim around the kitchen door….. I had forgotten to do – and … being completely stupid, I only realized last night that having a PICTURE of the marking wasn’t actually going to tell me what the HEIGHTS were. Lol– so The Bubbie wrote down the dates and the inches one by one.

I have a few roses that I took from the garden the day before we signed – I’m going to put those in a frame so that I can hang it on the wall at our new home… one day – whenever that actually happens. Lol  I’ve always loved how they smelled – nestled right under the kitchen window, their sweet smells would float in on the win every once in a while in the summer…. I’m going to miss that.

I finally sat down to watch The Jeff Probst show last night…..I was bummed because the lady that was on before me ended up crying and taking up a wee bit of my ‘time’.  There were a few things that didn’t get covered in my segment – like that El Capitan knew about the sign and that the sign wasn’t about revenge. 
For those *not* reading the blog or the online articles, then they are quick to jump to other conclusions and send me nasty ass emails about how I suck as a mother, I’m clearly a raging b*tch and I’m…..wait for it…. Wait for it…. FAT.  

That gets so old. Lol  I’d much more appreciate a good, solid fat *joke* than just some boring observation. No – seriously – I really would. Lol

It’s curious to me though – that my weight becomes such an issue for people.  I’m a nice person… oh –don’t get me wrong – I’ve taken down *more* than a few t-mobile customer service agents….. and if I’m angry with you: You WILL know it.  You will know why and what for… and I will be more than happy to explain that to you
seven ways from Sunday and using colorful language.

But, aside from my Irish temper, I’m a pretty decent person.  I value friendship and family and charity and kindness and honestly and – above all else: my children.  When did that stop mattering to people?

When did we become a society that stopped caring about the *kind* of people we became?

Do people think that being heavy limits my ability to care about people?  To love?  Do people assume that because I’m heavy I’m lazy? Lol  Frankly…. *most* people couldn’t keep up with my lifestyle if they tried! I’m the only Mom I know who goes to bed after 1am almost every single night and is up and running before 8am the next day.  
 
Sometimes it seems like people think I’m *less* of a Mom or I was *less* of a wife because my butt might be a little bit (or, you know – a lot bit) bigger than someone else’s…….

Here’s the thing – sure, in a burning building I might not be the fastest b*tch to the EXIT door –but if I lose 50 pounds… I’m still the *same* Mom.  I’m still the *same* person.

I’m still proud to be me. Because fat or not… I sat in the car with El Capitan two days in a row and it was pleasant… actually – it was more than pleasant:  it was nice. As far as my kids are concerned – they are for more worried about the stability of their little world – not how much physical space I happen to take up in it.

A lovely card arrived from Noni yesterday – it contained gift card to Disneyland…. Which is AWESOME!!!! (THNK YOU NONI!!!!!!) I’ve got my eye on that prize and dammit… it’s GOING to happen! Lol  El Capitan said I can make a movie and put it on YouTube – of the kids going and stuff. He pointed out that people make movies about going to Disneyland all the time – and why shouldn’t I be able to do that and share that experience with our family and friends and some of the blog readers who have kindly helped make the trip possible?  YouTube is fulllllll of videos of people’s kids…. Can anyone tell me a good reason why I shouldn’t put one up?

I don’t know if you’ve noticed – but I have some really smart readers – lol – and they frequently give me good advice!  :)

Today went well and I’m going to go to bed just grateful for that.  Tomorrow I’m going to close the week with a story about my Jewish Grandma who Jeff Probst loves.   :)  Stay tuned….. 

11 Comments
amy
9/26/2012 11:36:35 pm

I've been reading your blog since the beginning and just want to say that I love it. I went through a very similar situation four years ago. My ex had an emotional affair with a co-worker but I have you beat, she was 21. Haha. My daughter was eight at the time and it has been a struggle but know that it gets better.Like you, I'm making my daughter's world the best that it can be, without or without my ex. Its mostly without him since he has seen her 6x since last June for 4 hours each time and yet we live 5 minutes apart. Literally five minutes, I've timed it. My only difference from you is that I've realized I can't make them have a relationship. That's his job and whether he does a good job at it or not, it in no way reflects on me. I'm the best mom that I can be and my daughter thinks so too. And this may be wrong of me but I honestly don't think her life would be better in any way if he was a part of her life. I have an awesome support network of family and friends and she knows how great her life is. My daughter will grow up with great childhood memories because I'm making sure of it. Keep doing what you do for your kids. They remember everything and will know that they were loved by you.

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Jim Barker
9/27/2012 12:52:24 am

Wow...Saw the day already posted at 6:53AM PST. So you've been to the doctor already...Funny since your in Oregon, same time zone as me. And you close with "Today went well" Blah Blah.....Yesterdays blog had some inconsistency time wise as well...I must remember that a "story" is just that....You got me... Nice job The line: "There's a sucker born every minute" comes to mind...Yep a "Story" is just that...

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Tracy
9/27/2012 03:59:50 am

Really Jim you have to nit pick on something as stupid as the date/time, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out why it's inconsistent. If you think it's just a "Story" then don't read her blogs, plain and simple!!

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Jim Barker
9/27/2012 10:33:30 am

Dangit....I knew I was missing something. I knew there was a reason I could not figure it out...I am a rocket scientist...alright model rockets but still....

The "Nit picking" as it were, was because I was intrigued by this story, tale of woe, adventure, brave new start, etc. and when I noted what appeared to me to be an inconsistency, I began to suspect that this might be like the Oprah "Million little pieces" debacle.

Perhaps Elle was just another "story teller", a fabricator of tall tales...(It...ah...is the internet after all...)

ARGH !!! Say it isn't so....

And she did...Say it isn't so that is...

Elle, in her classy style, allayed my fears and doubts, and helped me to remove my foot from my mouth...Well, ok, I am not really speaking so foot in mou....never mind.

The point here, Tracy, is that I have, with my head held down (Yes even though you can not see it...) asked Ms Zober for her forgiveness...

I'm thinking she will...'Course I have been wrong before....

Jim

Elle
9/27/2012 01:44:38 am

Hi Jim!

Thanks for catching my references to 'today' - not being an actual writer-writer, I didn't realize how that would come across.

I have google analytics on the site and it looks like most people check and read the blog in the morning before 12 noon. So I *try* to have a new blog post up every morning for people to read.

However, a few weeks ago I noticed that if I wrote a blog at say 12:02 AM on Wednesday - and that blog post was intended for readers WEdnesday morning as "new" - BUT - then I write ANOTHER post Wednesday night - starting it at 11:00PM but posting it at 12:05 AM Thurday - so that people have a NEW post on Thursday morning as well..... instead of putting the posts one after the other and putting the most recent post as 'new' - the site would instead put the NEW post behind the older post becasue the older post has an earlier date/time stamp for the day.

Does that make sense? I wrote them and asked them to change that - but nothing has happened yet.

So - I wait until after midnight everynight before I start my blog posts... oh - and why not write them in WORD and then just cut and paste them into the box at 12:01am? Because the blog does some weird formatting thing that I can't seem to get rid of either - so if I write a blog post elsewhere then it has all these jagged returns in the middle of a sentence and the sentences only go half-way across the box making a post seem reaaaaaally long when it's not.

The blog I post late last night (around 2AM) actually - *was* the blog post and the story of what happened YESTERDAY - Wednesday. :)

Thank you for bringing that to my attention - I will try not to make that mistake again. :)
elle

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Geneva link
9/27/2012 07:59:53 am

I'm not sure what site you're using to blog with - maybe your own website? - but some will allow you to pre-write your posts and schedule them to auto post, so you don't have to stay up until midnight every night. I use Blogger, and I often use this feature.

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Dusty
9/27/2012 04:50:56 am

I just wanted to let you know how much I enjoy reading your blog. I read it every morning at 6 am with my first cup of coffee. I'm really sorry for all that you have been through. I had a dad who really wasn't around most of the time, begged my mom to divorce him, she really loved him and wouldn't do it. Not sure which is worse, someone who leaves or someone who stays around when they really don't want to. I do think that you beat yourself up too much though. If your husband wanted to stay, he would have stayed, it wouldn't have mattered who came along. Also being thin and beautiful does not guarantee a good or happy relationship. If it did, Christie Brinkley would not have been married three times. And don't forget, her last hubby had an affair with a 19 year old, so it does not matter who you are, if someone wants to cheat, they are going to cheat. I know you are very sad about having to sell your house, but it is for the best. Time to start anew. Again, I love the blog and when I get some extra cash, I'll donate. I think you and the kids deserve a trip at the very least. Keep smiling and making me laugh as well.

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Jim Barker
9/27/2012 09:30:46 am

Oh...crap...I am sorry for my accusatory remarks. Having not ever written a blog, I don't have any idea about how the software works. I apologize for doubting you Ms. Zober.

Jim

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Tracy
9/27/2012 11:17:31 pm

Jim,

I want to apologize to you for my smart a** comment, I understand why you would question about the date/time and if she is a story teller or not, like you said it is the internet and you never know what is true or not. I have seen some nasty comments that have been made to Elle and when I seen your comment, I guess I took my frustrations out on you, when I should not have. Again I am sorry.

Tracy

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Alex
9/27/2012 12:43:41 pm


Elle, I'm so happy and relieved to see you on a more even keel and able to work with your ex and even share a laugh. It's a sign of healing inside of you, and it must feel like such a relief, being able to laugh and keep going and looking forward.

While it feels like everything in your life has been taken from your control, you've actually gotten a new control in your life, and on a way deeper level than having your dream home and raising your family in the ideal.  Right now you are defining yourself and your values.  That will ultimately control your life.  You are following wise words;

“Each man must look to himself to teach him the meaning of life. It is not something discovered: it is something molded" - Antoine De Saint Exupery

Keep doing this, and don't fall into the trap of making your kids your sole life. Your kids need *you*, not 100% of your attention and focus. If you don't establish things outside of them, how will you later share those things with them?  

As for your ex, he hasn't done this. He hadn't taken the time to contemplate if he was being the man he wanted himself to be, something one should ask oneself everyday. He lost his life more than you.  You lost a husband, a home, stability, but he's lost himself.  He's become that very person he swore to himself he'd never become.  Perhaps he was afraid to be who he really wanted to be.  It's a scary prospect when you think about it, it is a lot of responsibility.  I have an inkling he felt he would not be able to be that man he wanted to be, ie not his father, and suspected he was bound to screw it all up.  A lot of people, if they suspect they will fail at something, instead choose to just blow it up to complete the self fulfilling prophecy.

This is the first time I really feel sorry for El Capitan (unless I hear more I don't know about). I suspect he feels hollow, but being fulfilled comes from pouring out, not pouring in, and he royally missed the memo on that one.

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Taun-Taun
9/28/2012 02:08:50 am

Elle

I'm not sure what platform you are using for your blog. I use Wordpress and love it.

What I do is type my posts in Windows Live Writer, upload with scheduled date and they post on time. I can type up an entire week's worth of posts and have them post live.

It does have an issue working with Blogger. For some reason the formatting doesn't upload and the schedulng doesn't work...but what do I expect from a free blog. Right?

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    Elle Zober

    Mother, "scorned wife", photographer, designer,  potential blog writer and recent guest on The View.... life's been pretty crazy as of late - crazybeautiful that is!
    You can see some of Elle's photography at:
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    SITE DISCLAIMER/
    POINTS OF FACT:
    El Capitan not only KNEW about and approved the signs, he helped pay for them.  :)
    The children have NOT seen the signs and will NOT see the signs.  PERIOD.
    This SITE and the SIGN were made to SELL OUR HOME.... what else this *might* be turning into is unclear, but the original intent was bereft of revenge or malice and was truly to sell our home.
    We ARE DIVORCED and for the very reason the sign suggests.

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Scorned, slighty bitter but still, grateful and very happy... life is good.
PS.... you *WILL find errors in grammar, spelling and otherwise... I am just a Mom - now a 'single Mom' who
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