Yeah, yeah… that *sounds* melodramatic – but no fever, no other symptoms and after a few hours and a wee nap, he was better and didn’t have any other symptoms all day.
The Boy already had a standing doctor appointment –and El Capitan came with us. I think that, on some level, I should be a bit proud of the fact that he and I can share the same air in a small space and I’m not tempted to throw him out of the moving vehicle. Lolol
I think that it’s good for the kids to see us together as well. I used to hug him goodbye and say,“We love you, Daddy……” when he would leave. The counselor told me that I had to stop that because I wasn’t being honest anymore. She said while I shouldn’t influence the kids and their feelings with my words, I also cannot
‘lie’ to them either. They *know* something is happening and that it’s ‘bad’ for me – so trying to make it all
seem ‘normal’or the same on the surface will only teach them to pretend in life and won’t give them the tools to heal.
So while it’s not all rainbows and unicorns and lucky charms of happiness…. It’s pleasant. We laugh at the kids being silly. We talk about his work and what’s going on….. and *if* what I think is going to happen is going to happen… then you’ll *all* be finding out a lot more about his work. Lolol.
It appears… for the most part, that again – I’m only entitled to my personal opinions’ about my own life so long as I don’t dare cause ‘harm’ to any one’s bottom line. Rather sad if you ask me.
Anyhow….. it was normal. It was almost like our life was six months ago – BYG. It was almost like it always was for the ten years we were married…. And I thought that that would make me cry. I thought that I wouldn’t be able to hold it together.
A few times I had to pinch my middle finger between my thumbnail and my ring finger – I do this when I don’t want to cry. I pinch really hard (I’ve drawn blood several times now… lol) – but the pain keeps me from crying about the other pain, so I consider it a good trade off.
Little bit of tooting again….. go f*cking me! Look at that… shat alllll over my life and my dreams and ripped apart my heart – and there I sat like a normal, calm, human being capable of holding a polite conversation.
I should get a Gold Medal for that. Hahaha.
I think it was really really good for the kids though… I’m not sure what is in store for them with El Capitan – how much he’ll be around or not be around, etc. Either way, they have to learn that people will let us down, they will hurt us and disappoint us BUT if they are people who play a key role in our lives – we will sometimes have to find a way to move forward with them.
Hopefully, there was some moving forward today.
The Bubbie had to run to the house because today the movers came to move my Noni’s piano. Noni is my Godmother – she’s known me since I was born and she. is. amazing.
She’s a power house of strength and love – and she taught me how to buy a proper bra and how a bra that actually fits should make your boobs look. THAT is the kind of advice any woman can use. That’s my Noni for ya’. The piano was her Mom’s and is from the early 1900’s and it’s beautiful. One of my most prized possessions’ – and something The Girl loves to ‘play’.
Then The Bubbie had to measure and write down all the children’s heights from the trim around the kitchen door….. I had forgotten to do – and … being completely stupid, I only realized last night that having a PICTURE of the marking wasn’t actually going to tell me what the HEIGHTS were. Lol– so The Bubbie wrote down the dates and the inches one by one.
I have a few roses that I took from the garden the day before we signed – I’m going to put those in a frame so that I can hang it on the wall at our new home… one day – whenever that actually happens. Lol I’ve always loved how they smelled – nestled right under the kitchen window, their sweet smells would float in on the win every once in a while in the summer…. I’m going to miss that.
I finally sat down to watch The Jeff Probst show last night…..I was bummed because the lady that was on before me ended up crying and taking up a wee bit of my ‘time’. There were a few things that didn’t get covered in my segment – like that El Capitan knew about the sign and that the sign wasn’t about revenge.
For those *not* reading the blog or the online articles, then they are quick to jump to other conclusions and send me nasty ass emails about how I suck as a mother, I’m clearly a raging b*tch and I’m…..wait for it…. Wait for it…. FAT.
That gets so old. Lol I’d much more appreciate a good, solid fat *joke* than just some boring observation. No – seriously – I really would. Lol
It’s curious to me though – that my weight becomes such an issue for people. I’m a nice person… oh –don’t get me wrong – I’ve taken down *more* than a few t-mobile customer service agents….. and if I’m angry with you: You WILL know it. You will know why and what for… and I will be more than happy to explain that to you
seven ways from Sunday and using colorful language.
But, aside from my Irish temper, I’m a pretty decent person. I value friendship and family and charity and kindness and honestly and – above all else: my children. When did that stop mattering to people?
When did we become a society that stopped caring about the *kind* of people we became?
Do people think that being heavy limits my ability to care about people? To love? Do people assume that because I’m heavy I’m lazy? Lol Frankly…. *most* people couldn’t keep up with my lifestyle if they tried! I’m the only Mom I know who goes to bed after 1am almost every single night and is up and running before 8am the next day.
Sometimes it seems like people think I’m *less* of a Mom or I was *less* of a wife because my butt might be a little bit (or, you know – a lot bit) bigger than someone else’s…….
Here’s the thing – sure, in a burning building I might not be the fastest b*tch to the EXIT door –but if I lose 50 pounds… I’m still the *same* Mom. I’m still the *same* person.
I’m still proud to be me. Because fat or not… I sat in the car with El Capitan two days in a row and it was pleasant… actually – it was more than pleasant: it was nice. As far as my kids are concerned – they are for more worried about the stability of their little world – not how much physical space I happen to take up in it.
A lovely card arrived from Noni yesterday – it contained gift card to Disneyland…. Which is AWESOME!!!! (THNK YOU NONI!!!!!!) I’ve got my eye on that prize and dammit… it’s GOING to happen! Lol El Capitan said I can make a movie and put it on YouTube – of the kids going and stuff. He pointed out that people make movies about going to Disneyland all the time – and why shouldn’t I be able to do that and share that experience with our family and friends and some of the blog readers who have kindly helped make the trip possible? YouTube is fulllllll of videos of people’s kids…. Can anyone tell me a good reason why I shouldn’t put one up?
I don’t know if you’ve noticed – but I have some really smart readers – lol – and they frequently give me good advice! :)
Today went well and I’m going to go to bed just grateful for that. Tomorrow I’m going to close the week with a story about my Jewish Grandma who Jeff Probst loves. :) Stay tuned…..