There are days where I feel like I need a HUGE sign that say's, "I DO NOT BELONG HERE."
Sitting at Jeff Probst.... I'm not thin - and EVERYONE in TV is thin... lol. So tiny and petit and cute - like I could just round them all up like Fisher Price Little People and carry them in my pocket - little. Oh - and trendy and fashionable and hip and fancy in their low slung skinny jeans, high heels and perfect hair. *I* am none of those things.... and you know what - I'm ok with it! lol
I didn't set out to be on that there TV... hahaha. I know that there are a lot of people who think that I had some kind of master plan to be 'famous' or get on TV or some such thing... which is hilarious. Just because I can *handle* myself to some extent on TV doesn't mean that it was something I wanted. It's just something that has kind of happened.
The blog is also something that just kind of happened - because there were soooooo many fake writers and bloggers who weren't talking to me and writting 'articles' as if they had - saying that El Capitan and I were still married and that we were lying to people just to sell our house.... I wanted to get "the truth" out there - so people would know.
Then more and more people were reading and sharing their own tragic stories..... and suddenly - I felt a bit bonded to these wonderful people and a need to keep writting and connecting. Perhaps it's wrong - but I felt like if I didn't keep writting that I would be disrespecting those who *had* shared - those who had trusted me enough to share their own personal stories.
So the blog was just kind of born.... the original version of the site didn't have a blog - I added it later - and rather haphazardly as well.... (is that a word? lol). CLEARLY we can all see that my spelling and my grammar are well below par.... but again - I'm not a writter! Just because I don't totally suck at it - doesn't mean I'm a professional - or that I trained to be a writer. hahaha. :)
I *DO* however, really enjoy the blog and more so - I enjoy the connection I have made with people and I feel VERY honored to have made those connections - that is a blessing.
One such connection is with Jim - he posted earlier - concerned that my blogs were out of 'order' - and he was right. I sit down at the end of every day to write the blog post for TOMORROW morning... but - if I write a post for Wednsday morning that was published at 12:02AM and then I write Thursdays blog on Wednesday night but his publish BEFORE 12:01am Thursday morning - then the blog hosting software actually hides teh new blog under the previous blog because it puts the earliest one from that day first.
Confusing.... especially for someone who has NEVER really written a blog before.
So I sit down at night to write about the day - write about what happened and Jim pointed out that I'm writting as though it's happend NOW - TODAY - and it might be 4 am and that doesn't make much sense..... he was right. I will *try* to be more careful to use the word 'yesterday' when I do mean yesterday. lol - like I said, I'm *clearly* not a professional writer.
At the same time, I think that Jim felt - in the moment of his realization - that perhaps I'm a big fake/phony. May be I'm just making sh*t up...... and honestly - I don't blame him one bit.
We've become a world where wanna be photographers STEAL images off established professional photographers websites and use them as their 'own' work in a portfolio for samples....we *live* in a world where I can *assure* you that Yoga Girls' friends' are telling her alllll kinds of crap and justifying to her what she did to me and making it 'ok'.
We've become - in many ways - a society where what's mine is mine and what's YOURS is mine - if I say it is. I think in many respects we've devolved into a world where we value *things* more than we value *people* - things like 'fame' and money and cars and such.
I, too, would be LIVID pissed if I thought someone was duping me - tricking me with their fabricated lies and leading me down the primrose path of feeling foolishly connected to them and trusting them. LIVID.
Sadly...... - and I'm being honest: I wish I *was* lying.
I wish that this whole effing mess was alllll a lie. I wish that Yoga Girl wasn't real. I wish that my family was still one whole unit - living happily in our home and that my children still had two parents under one roof who loved them.
I wish I didn't know the pain I've known..... though I understand that there is worse pain - there is a pain I *never* want to know.... I most certainly wish I didn't know the pain of betrayal and abadonment. I wish that I had not trusted a man for ten years with my thoughts, my fears, my body, my heart and inner most hopes and dreams.... only to have them smashed on the headboard of Yoga Girls bed.
But. It's all true. It could well be argued that my *perspective* on things might be shared by everyone around me or by El Capitan or Yoga Girl... but know this: El Capitan does support the blog. I have asked him several times -point blank - if he's uncomfortable with what I write or how I write it - asking him if he feels I missrepresent myself to readers....... he said no.
This - for the most part.... *is* me: imperfect.
My spelling is a bit shite - though I do think it's getting better, yes? lol and I not nearly as clear with my thoughts as I could be - and i do think like talk about 'today' when it's actually being read TOMORROW - which is confusing and a more seasoned writer would know the difference and get it right the first time. lol
But, this IS me. Mind you- in my daily life I use c*nt and fbombs and b*tch like a Valley Girl uses 'like'.... like- a lot. hahahaha. I try to clean that up a bit for ya'll... your welcome. :)
but aside from that - this is me. I'm a fat, funny lady with a sassy sense of self-depreciating humor. I'm sarcastic and sometimes rude..... mostly I'm funny. El Capitan said he misses that the most - because I'm generally kind of fun to be around.... (or, I'm a delusional loud mouth bitch who everyone hates... again - it's all about perspective. :).
First and foremost, I try to be true to myself here. I *do* leave out some details or change some people's names... but - this is me, warts and all.
I think Jim was right to point out my flaws and question whether or not they were cracks in a farce..... because I would much rather someone question my integrity so I have a chance to explain as opposed to assume and walk away. Especially because what you don't see in the comments is that Jim has bought magnets - one early on and another recently - and he has sent me kind emails of support. I appreciate that very much.
Regardelss of what anyone thinks - magnets, a donate button, etc - I do not want someone - *anyone* to think or suspect that I make sh*t up and tell 'stories' that aren't true - just to tell them. I would rather someone speak up than leave feeling betrayed.......
I think it say's a lot about a person when we can openly question something - be open to an answer and move on. Jim strikes me as a really good guy - so... I'm not at all surprised that he was able to do that with me and I was grateful for the opportunity to see his point of view and address the clarity of my writing.
In a strange way.... that's kind of why I still hold out hope for Yoga Girl. That first night - when I was texting with her - when she found out I was talking to her, she was honest with me.
I asked her if they had had sex and she said yes - and told me where and when and how many times. There was a sense of humility and she clearly understood it was wrong and said she was sorry.
At that point - El Capitan was still lying to me and saying he barely knew her..... really - he was telling me that it was just texting and flirting and she's telling me that he's saddled up to her all you can tuna taco buffet.
I do not care for Yoga Girl... but I do have respect for her for having told me the truth.
Since then her actions are less than stellar - but she also has El Capitan telling her whatever he tells her... so - you know- it is what it is... BUT - she was honest when many other peope would not have been. Honesty goes a long way with me.
It seems like my honesty has gone a long way with many of you - so to speak - and I just wanted to say that the good, the bad and the ugly that I write on here *IS* what I live every day. Plenty of my friends read this blog adn I should think a few of those mouthy hookers (inside joke) - would speak up if I was full of sh*t and lying to people. :)
Or at least I would hope they would.
This week has been a solid week.... the pain is still there - a bit like Dexter's 'Dark Passanger'- I kind of feel like it's always going to be there - just sitting there. Occupying the space around me and waiting to take me over if I let it.... but I also feel like I have the will-power to keep it away. Like, I can draw the boundaries in myself to move objectivity to the forefront and keep my Dark Passenger to the side. I don't want to forget it's there because there is no much we can learn about ourselves from our pain... but I don't want to live in it anymore either.
I'm actually starting to think that I'm doing *too good* this week..... as though I'm just blindly walking along just *thinking* I'm happy and something will happen that will suck the good air out and the pain will come whooshing back taking over my life and my heart again.... like - that's going to happen - right? I'm sure it is.
However.... this week is ending on a high note. I'm proud of how I've worked with El Capitan this week - how I managed not to yell at him until his ears bled on the way to the title office. lol Instead, I made my position on the situation clear without taking it that far - and you know what.... I think I'm a better Mom and person for it - at least today I am, anway.
This - all this... is me - the highs, the lows, the good and the ugly..... thanks for letting me be 'ugly' with you - and helping me find a way to those highs.... and then not resenting me when we hit those lows again. I promise to keep it raw and real.... but you know - hopefully with less spelling is
Sitting at Jeff Probst.... I'm not thin - and EVERYONE in TV is thin... lol. So tiny and petit and cute - like I could just round them all up like Fisher Price Little People and carry them in my pocket - little. Oh - and trendy and fashionable and hip and fancy in their low slung skinny jeans, high heels and perfect hair. *I* am none of those things.... and you know what - I'm ok with it! lol
I didn't set out to be on that there TV... hahaha. I know that there are a lot of people who think that I had some kind of master plan to be 'famous' or get on TV or some such thing... which is hilarious. Just because I can *handle* myself to some extent on TV doesn't mean that it was something I wanted. It's just something that has kind of happened.
The blog is also something that just kind of happened - because there were soooooo many fake writers and bloggers who weren't talking to me and writting 'articles' as if they had - saying that El Capitan and I were still married and that we were lying to people just to sell our house.... I wanted to get "the truth" out there - so people would know.
Then more and more people were reading and sharing their own tragic stories..... and suddenly - I felt a bit bonded to these wonderful people and a need to keep writting and connecting. Perhaps it's wrong - but I felt like if I didn't keep writting that I would be disrespecting those who *had* shared - those who had trusted me enough to share their own personal stories.
So the blog was just kind of born.... the original version of the site didn't have a blog - I added it later - and rather haphazardly as well.... (is that a word? lol). CLEARLY we can all see that my spelling and my grammar are well below par.... but again - I'm not a writter! Just because I don't totally suck at it - doesn't mean I'm a professional - or that I trained to be a writer. hahaha. :)
I *DO* however, really enjoy the blog and more so - I enjoy the connection I have made with people and I feel VERY honored to have made those connections - that is a blessing.
One such connection is with Jim - he posted earlier - concerned that my blogs were out of 'order' - and he was right. I sit down at the end of every day to write the blog post for TOMORROW morning... but - if I write a post for Wednsday morning that was published at 12:02AM and then I write Thursdays blog on Wednesday night but his publish BEFORE 12:01am Thursday morning - then the blog hosting software actually hides teh new blog under the previous blog because it puts the earliest one from that day first.
Confusing.... especially for someone who has NEVER really written a blog before.
So I sit down at night to write about the day - write about what happened and Jim pointed out that I'm writting as though it's happend NOW - TODAY - and it might be 4 am and that doesn't make much sense..... he was right. I will *try* to be more careful to use the word 'yesterday' when I do mean yesterday. lol - like I said, I'm *clearly* not a professional writer.
At the same time, I think that Jim felt - in the moment of his realization - that perhaps I'm a big fake/phony. May be I'm just making sh*t up...... and honestly - I don't blame him one bit.
We've become a world where wanna be photographers STEAL images off established professional photographers websites and use them as their 'own' work in a portfolio for samples....we *live* in a world where I can *assure* you that Yoga Girls' friends' are telling her alllll kinds of crap and justifying to her what she did to me and making it 'ok'.
We've become - in many ways - a society where what's mine is mine and what's YOURS is mine - if I say it is. I think in many respects we've devolved into a world where we value *things* more than we value *people* - things like 'fame' and money and cars and such.
I, too, would be LIVID pissed if I thought someone was duping me - tricking me with their fabricated lies and leading me down the primrose path of feeling foolishly connected to them and trusting them. LIVID.
Sadly...... - and I'm being honest: I wish I *was* lying.
I wish that this whole effing mess was alllll a lie. I wish that Yoga Girl wasn't real. I wish that my family was still one whole unit - living happily in our home and that my children still had two parents under one roof who loved them.
I wish I didn't know the pain I've known..... though I understand that there is worse pain - there is a pain I *never* want to know.... I most certainly wish I didn't know the pain of betrayal and abadonment. I wish that I had not trusted a man for ten years with my thoughts, my fears, my body, my heart and inner most hopes and dreams.... only to have them smashed on the headboard of Yoga Girls bed.
But. It's all true. It could well be argued that my *perspective* on things might be shared by everyone around me or by El Capitan or Yoga Girl... but know this: El Capitan does support the blog. I have asked him several times -point blank - if he's uncomfortable with what I write or how I write it - asking him if he feels I missrepresent myself to readers....... he said no.
This - for the most part.... *is* me: imperfect.
My spelling is a bit shite - though I do think it's getting better, yes? lol and I not nearly as clear with my thoughts as I could be - and i do think like talk about 'today' when it's actually being read TOMORROW - which is confusing and a more seasoned writer would know the difference and get it right the first time. lol
But, this IS me. Mind you- in my daily life I use c*nt and fbombs and b*tch like a Valley Girl uses 'like'.... like- a lot. hahahaha. I try to clean that up a bit for ya'll... your welcome. :)
but aside from that - this is me. I'm a fat, funny lady with a sassy sense of self-depreciating humor. I'm sarcastic and sometimes rude..... mostly I'm funny. El Capitan said he misses that the most - because I'm generally kind of fun to be around.... (or, I'm a delusional loud mouth bitch who everyone hates... again - it's all about perspective. :).
First and foremost, I try to be true to myself here. I *do* leave out some details or change some people's names... but - this is me, warts and all.
I think Jim was right to point out my flaws and question whether or not they were cracks in a farce..... because I would much rather someone question my integrity so I have a chance to explain as opposed to assume and walk away. Especially because what you don't see in the comments is that Jim has bought magnets - one early on and another recently - and he has sent me kind emails of support. I appreciate that very much.
Regardelss of what anyone thinks - magnets, a donate button, etc - I do not want someone - *anyone* to think or suspect that I make sh*t up and tell 'stories' that aren't true - just to tell them. I would rather someone speak up than leave feeling betrayed.......
I think it say's a lot about a person when we can openly question something - be open to an answer and move on. Jim strikes me as a really good guy - so... I'm not at all surprised that he was able to do that with me and I was grateful for the opportunity to see his point of view and address the clarity of my writing.
In a strange way.... that's kind of why I still hold out hope for Yoga Girl. That first night - when I was texting with her - when she found out I was talking to her, she was honest with me.
I asked her if they had had sex and she said yes - and told me where and when and how many times. There was a sense of humility and she clearly understood it was wrong and said she was sorry.
At that point - El Capitan was still lying to me and saying he barely knew her..... really - he was telling me that it was just texting and flirting and she's telling me that he's saddled up to her all you can tuna taco buffet.
I do not care for Yoga Girl... but I do have respect for her for having told me the truth.
Since then her actions are less than stellar - but she also has El Capitan telling her whatever he tells her... so - you know- it is what it is... BUT - she was honest when many other peope would not have been. Honesty goes a long way with me.
It seems like my honesty has gone a long way with many of you - so to speak - and I just wanted to say that the good, the bad and the ugly that I write on here *IS* what I live every day. Plenty of my friends read this blog adn I should think a few of those mouthy hookers (inside joke) - would speak up if I was full of sh*t and lying to people. :)
Or at least I would hope they would.
This week has been a solid week.... the pain is still there - a bit like Dexter's 'Dark Passanger'- I kind of feel like it's always going to be there - just sitting there. Occupying the space around me and waiting to take me over if I let it.... but I also feel like I have the will-power to keep it away. Like, I can draw the boundaries in myself to move objectivity to the forefront and keep my Dark Passenger to the side. I don't want to forget it's there because there is no much we can learn about ourselves from our pain... but I don't want to live in it anymore either.
I'm actually starting to think that I'm doing *too good* this week..... as though I'm just blindly walking along just *thinking* I'm happy and something will happen that will suck the good air out and the pain will come whooshing back taking over my life and my heart again.... like - that's going to happen - right? I'm sure it is.
However.... this week is ending on a high note. I'm proud of how I've worked with El Capitan this week - how I managed not to yell at him until his ears bled on the way to the title office. lol Instead, I made my position on the situation clear without taking it that far - and you know what.... I think I'm a better Mom and person for it - at least today I am, anway.
This - all this... is me - the highs, the lows, the good and the ugly..... thanks for letting me be 'ugly' with you - and helping me find a way to those highs.... and then not resenting me when we hit those lows again. I promise to keep it raw and real.... but you know - hopefully with less spelling is
RSS Feed