So..... I'll try this again. lol
As I wrote, I've been trying to go out more and carve out a new life for myself - which.... I kind of *have* to do to some degree.... and I usually go out at night after the kids have gone down for the night, but they know I'm not home and they know that that is different from how their lives have been before, which leaves me feeling a bit torn.
Two nights ago I came home from a night out with friends to find the note above laid out carefully on the counter so that I would see it as soon as I got home. How freakin' sweet is that? Though... typical eight year old - The Boy adds a random Easter reference? lololol
I really feel torn about .... *who* I am now, let me explain.
When you're in your twenties - life is still new. Your heart hasn't been properly broken, you're young, able to stay up all night and work the next day with an exhausted but happy smile on your face and then go out again the next night. You're fresh and fun and looking forward - all too happy to leave curfews and parents and rules and books and studying behind you.
Well, sh*t is a bit different at 37, now I look in my my rear-view mirror and I see two smiling kids - who may or may not be arguing over who is using the Disney Princess "laptop" and The Boy is usually yelling at me to hit play again on "This is the Life" by God-Des & She (*note* - they happen to be my new favorite band - but some people might find them controversial. This is The Life - is a really inspiring song for me about starting over, being strong, and being grateful - which, I find all of those things relevant to our situation.)
Sadly..... both my children have inherited my affinity to "replay". I can watch Twilight five times in a day and not be bored, I can listen to one song over and over and over on re-peat and never get sick of it. My kids are the same - which is fine so long as I like the song they choose. lol When I was dating Mick (in Scotland) - I was obsessed with painting his bathroom, so when he went away on tour one weekend I turned on my Hanson EP of MMMMMBop - and I listened to that ONE SONG for like.... 11 hours straight. Just over and over and over on repeat. It kept me going, kept me taping and painting..... his roommate however, was less thrilled and the next day he told me if he ever heard that song again he would pour acid in his ears. lol
Well... Hanson isn't for everyone, I guess.
Anyhow... needless to say - my rear-view is more than slightly cluttered with a lot of success and failure and love and kids and happiness and sorrow... and good: lots of good. However, in spite of the good - it's all changed me. It's all become a part of me - the good and the bad - and that makes it just a little bit harder to run full force at your future without caution, without hesitation.
I kind of think that that is where we go wrong - starting over later in life - we have forgotten how to be carefree and fly by the seat of our pants.... well, no, actually I don't think I'll ever forget how to fly by the seat of my pants.... these pants have managed to get me into some crazy/awesome/insane/rad situations: I trust them emphatically.
I've always danced to my own drummer..... always. Sometimes I get plenty of sh*t for that - for sure... however, my life is choc-full of amazing events...
Living alone in London......? Yes please.
Touring across Europe with bands.....? Please and thank you.
Finding love and getting married after three weeks.... for TEN YEARS? Done and.... grateful.
I don't really have any regrets for the things I've done - the chances I've taken. I don't, in fact miss any of that caution I threw to the wind over and over and over.... and why the f*ck should I? I have *crazy* luck - really - I'm like a walking one in a million chick: if you don't think it'll happen to *anyone* you know... it's probably already happened to me or is about to.
Most of my friends will tell you that life with me is NEVER dull.
Of course, dull would be easier. Dull would certainly not be running a blog that 18,000 people a month are reading.... (how freakin' awesome is that?!?!?!!), dull would not be going on The View.... or writing a book in 16 days. So, needless to say... I'll never be dull. lololol
I've said it before, but after you've been to the bottom of your pit. After you've turned yourself inside out trying to drain out every ounce of pain. After you've twisted yourself as tight as you can to wring out every last tear.... well: dude, there just isn't too much that going to come at me in life that is ever going to hurt me that badly that doesn't involve a casket and a funeral, so I'm running at my future with an open mind, baggage free and ready to throw *some* caution to the wind (you know - Mom of two great kids, I gotta' keep some caution in my pocket for their benefit).
I don't want to wind up old and unhappy - looking at years of a life that wasn't lived to it's fullest.
I don't want to look back and realize that time spent worrying was really just time lost... time I won't get back.
I *had* wanted to grow old, holding my husbands hand, watching our grand-kids playing: together.
I spent months mourning the loss of that - which I think is pretty common in my situation, I hear it from a lot of people - accepting that the dreams you had for your future are gone is hard to accept.
What I've come to realize though - is that THOSE DREAMS ARE STILL ALIVE.
I just have to make room for changes. I have to make room for those people who are going to come into both our lives who will *also* be sitting there with us enjoying the fruits of the love we once had. People who will (hopefully) have loved our children as we do and find as much joy in their lives and families......
Sh*t... seeing as how we'll be super old and stuff, Yoga Girl can wipe our asses for us - you know - cuz she'll still be so much younger.... bwahahahahahaha. Built in nursemaid. lol
Why should I throw away the whole image... when the truth is - I just have to be willing to add a few more people to the frame.... and whaaalaa: happiness.
Happiness is a choice: you choose it... or you don't.
Baggage is *also* a choice: you either pack it.... or you don't.
I for one, have un-packed my bags, grabbed onto to happiness and life..... life is so much the better for it. I can promise you - my children are better for it.
I get *a lot* of email from men and women going through what I've been through - or who are at the start of a separation or divorce and I try to give the best advice I can, but it always boils down to this: act in kindness.
Do not act in anger - even if it's justified.
Do not act in vengeance - even if you can get away with it.
Do not act in hate - because.... you won't always hate.
If you do those things, you don't just have baggage, you'll have stained yourself - and it's much, much harder to wash that off later.
As I go out and meet new people I'm always a bit surprised to find them still "sad" about an ex from years ago... really? YEARS? C'mon people.... sac up and move on! lololol
This Is The Life..... whether you chose it and built it and got everything you wanted..... or, the one someone else's actions have handed you - THIS IS THE LIFE. This Is The Life because you ain't gettin' another one. There isn't going to be a do-over. There isn't going to be a second chance to go back and take back time you gave away to pain and anger. Pain and anger are some hoarding b*tches and they aren't going to give you back the days you handed them.
This Is The Life.... this is the path that we chose.... hopefully we'll make it - but who knows......?
Right or wrong, I chose El Capitan. I knew the issue's our marriage had - the unresolved problems that haunted us.... and we had kids anyway. I knew we had trouble communicating. I knew he had unresolved baggage from a childhood he didn't particularly enjoy..... and we bought a house and built a life.
By that token - I'm also somewhat responsible for the life we have now. I know... that sounds a bit harsh, but it's true. You can't move forward unless you own where you went wrong. You can change and keep from making the same mistakes, unless you accept where *you* went wrong. Not where someone else went wrong... but you, or rather.... *ME*.
So this is me...... This Is The Life.... and I'm going to live it - flying along by the seat of my pants and enjoying every second and living in gratitude for what I have - because you know what...... I have a lot to be grateful for, not the least of which is two great kids who asked for triple hugs and kisses at bedtime tonight because after spending two amazing fun-filled days with Dad... they missed their Mommy.
Best of all.... 11 months into this situation: they feel safe loving *both* of us.
That's such a huge thing to be grateful for........