Tonight was awesome..... went bowling with some friends and had a total blast.... I came in second after bowling three strikes in a row... booyah. lol
Tomorrow and the rest of the week are filled with coffee dates and lunches and whatnot..... there *really* is not a moment where I'm not thinking about how freaking lucky I am and how blessed my life is. Truly.
I've been doing a bit of thinking today about that - how much my life has changed.... I suppose by some definitions, it's been changed in 'bad' ways... however, as happy as we all are - I have to think that all the changes have been.... as my Jewish Grandmother would say: for the best.
I'm really proud of the fact that El Capitan and I have managed to get our relationship to come full circle and be back in a place of.... tentative friendship. I think, like with anything - it'll never be what it was. I certainly never fully "trust" him again... bwahahahaha. However, we are in a place where we can joke around and enjoy each other and the kids as a unit and I think it's really important that the kids can still have that.... camaraderie,
Also.... while I DO NOT,l in any way, shape or form - want to get back together with El Capitan - I think it's nice for ME to have gotten back to a place with him where we can enjoy each other. It's awful to think that you could spent 11 years with someone - loving them, helping them, sharing your life with them .... and then wind up hating each other and never speaking. Never getting back to a healthy place. I'm grateful to be where we are... and I realize that it'll be a bit of a struggle at times to stay there - but I think it's worth it.
On another note..... I kind of, may be met someone nice.... which is cool. They are nice - good smile, kind, thoughtful..... and then they want to know what blog I write.
While I don't think there will *ever* come a time when I regret writing The Blog - or The Book - I have to admit, that I dread first telling people about it. lololol. It's a f*cking good thing I'm an honest person in general - because there is *nothing* but honest, raw emotion on these pages.... and I don't regret that.
I cannot tell you *how* inspiring and humbling it is to get emails from soooooo many of you who say that little ole' me has had a positive impact on their life... or that I'm "setting an example" they are trying to follow... etc. Emails from people who say that they aren't sure how they would get through their own ordeal were it not for being able to follow mine.... as though I'm somehow helping them.
That's like... I don't know: crazyawesomecoolinsanehumblingI'mnotworthy....just plain rad.
However. I have no secrets anymore. I don't get to have that ... you know - three dates of "privacy" where you can sort of slowly expose someone to your life and your past and your history.... I mean - someone can meet me and download my freakin' book onto their Kindle and BOOM: life story is told.
I kind of.... I wouldn't say 'regret' that... but it certainly makes getting to know people a bit of a different kind of challenge. I reassure myself that anyone who would write me off because of The Blog and The Book just aren't "worth my time" - but the truth is - I'm sure LOTS of people who would be worth my time find The Blog and run the other way..... and I can't really blame them.
I mean - this is a lot of intense and raw emotion.... those two things frequently scare people away.
So, we'll see what happens..... if they google me: the cat will be out of the bag. Big time. lol But I can't really change it if they do.... and I can't take it back- nor would I, because while it's all here - it's still all true, it's all who I am and while I think it's a bit intense to find it all online.... I don't feel like I need to apologize for who I am or how I've handled my divorce.
There was a woman who commented on the post about The Huffington Post where she called me a psycho.... I'd love to tell you that those things don't hurt me: but they do. I know that her point is valid and that many people share her opinion of me and The Blog/Book,etc. I understand that many people don't believe in sharing this much about their life and, in fact, see it as "abusive" to my children that I have shared this much. First and foremost - I sure and sh*t hope it's not bad for the children.... I've learned so much from so many of you - and knowing I have to Blog has kept me on a level of accountability and *most* people wouldn't want to have... but I welcomed that. Those things benefit them for sure.
And while I concede that there is a chance they could be made fun of by friends when they are older... well - sh*t - doesn't *everyone* get teased for something their parents do or say....? lolol Not sure I could stop that.... and - generally speaking - kids like me. All kids, from babies to teenagers - I'm usually the kind of adult most kids like, so I'm not too worried about that.
Still..... I don't know. F*ck it. Honestly.
There is seriously something wrong with our society that we are afraid to TRULY put ourselves out there and BE WHO WE ARE.
Sometimes we are love.
Sometimes we are anger.
Sometimes we are betrayed.
Sometimes we are judged.
Sometimes... well... sometimes we're just plain f*cking pissed.
Why are we so worried with concealing these things? Why must we find labels and take pills to deal with things.... to HIDE things? That's not dealing. That's RUNNING. That's stuffing and forgetting.... that doesn't help you move on.
Just this last weekend when Goose was here she was talking about a girl in her high school who killed herself.... teen suicide rates are going THROUGH THE ROOF - and why is that? Surely, an argument can be made that teenagers these days face A LOT more than we did.... however, I also think we have become a society that pintrests the sh*t out of our lives. No longer can a mere Mother host a birthday party with few themed plates and a handful of games.... now it has to have a theme, a custom two-tiered cake and it better look like a f*cking Pottery Barn photo shoot is taking place. I know I'm guilty of that.... but that's A LOT of pressure. lol
Kids these days don't get anything simple. They are bombarded with mixed messages and text messages and email and facebook and you tube... and and and... it never ends. But if everyone else's life is pinterest perfect.... that doesn't leave room for real life - real emotion: real pain... and let's face facts, there is NO WORSE PAIN than teenager pain.
There is this great Ben Folds song - Smoke.
Here's an evening dark with shame
Throw it on the fire
Here's the time I took the blame
Throw it on the fire
Here's the time we didn't speak
It seemed for years and years
Here's a secret
No one will ever know the
Reasons for the tears
They are smoke
Where do all the secrets live
They travel in the air
You can smell them when they burn
Those who say the past is not dead
Stop and smell the smoke
You keep on saying the past is not dead
Come on and smell the smoke
You keep saying the past is not even past
You keep saying
We are, smoke
I think we don't give away enough of our pain... we don't let it become 'smoke'. We hold onto for a myriad of reasons... shame, we want to seem perfect to other people, we're worried about being judged... we don't want to admit that HAVE shame or sadness or pain.... and I think when we do that - when we *don't* allow our issue's to become smoke.... they become a fire and in time... they will burn us alive from the inside out.
I'd rather put my 'smoke' out there for the world to see.... than allow those things to burn within.
I guess if I wind up living alone forever.... well: that'll suck. However, I'd rather LIVE OUT LOUD... than suffer in silence. I'd rather be open about my pain.... I'd rather share that with the world - that keep it to myself.
Come to think of it.... NO ONE has ever sent me an email that said that their day was made WORSE because of what I wrote on my blog... it's always the opposite so I have to assume that people relate to what I feel and what I say and somehow.... in that relating - we're connected.
If being connected to thousands a people a month through my emotions and my journey makes me a psycho... then I guess I'm ok with that. lol
But I can tell you one thing: 54 pounds DOWN... this psycho has earned some cake on her birthday!!!!!
Happy Birthday to me! :)