It's funny that since I came out the more common response from people is.... "who cares?" or "why do you think it's a big deal/problem for people that's you're gay?"

The answer is that for some people..... it *is* a big deal that I'm gay.  
It's a big hairy, religious, political deal:  for them.

For me.... it's just the way I am.

When Hail Mary and I are out there isn't *one time* that we don't get "the look" from someone while we're out together.... I'm not sure I know anyone who doesn't get the double take when they are out unless they are at a gay/lesbian event.

Usually no one say's anything.... it's just a look, a stare.... a glance that lasts long enough for them to be thinking.... "hey - those are two dykes and they have kids..... oooohhh... ahhh.... it's a gay family."
Or you know.... whatever they are thinking..... ("Please God make them stop being gay and ruining my family by existing...." hahahaha)

For lots of people this should be a nothing .... a non-event, but for the current voting majority of this country - it's a big enough deal to deny people like me equal rights.    Even Macklemore was surprised "Same Love" did as well as it has - which I think is a strong reflection of the open hearts and minds of the upcoming generations.... but sadly, those who vote are still saying that love is *not* the same in many states. 
Including my own *extremely* liberal state.
Sigh.

Which brings me to the Sweet Cakes fiasco.  LOTS of people emailed me wanting to either know my thoughts about it - or ask if I'd seen the story - which.... I had - from day one.

So - Sweet Cakes by Melissa was a bakery in Oregon run by a husband and a wife.  A very Christian husband and wife.  At the time, the story was that two lesbians went into the shop to order a wedding cake and the husband told me then "No", said that he refused to be apart of an "abomination" and quote the Bible to them.

Now... that account has changed through different media outlets, but he stated from the start that he had moral and religious objections to gay marriage and did't want his business/cake to be apart of something he thinks is an "abomination."
Fair enough.

The minute the story came out I put it up on Facebook.... I was stunned.  *THIS* is not a state you want to do those kinds of things in.... really:  it's not.  I wrote that as a previous (retired) wedding vendor myself, I would NEVER EVER EVER refuse service to *anyone* for any reason other than my date was already booked.

As a photographer I did a few "gay" weddings (this was before they could even do a Domestic Partnership) - so they were little more than fancy parties with an exchange of vows and I *Still* did the best I could for their photography.  I know that some couples were told no by other photographers.... which - and bear with me here - I can *almost* kind of understand.

When you are working with a man and a woman, it is *very* easy to pose them.... it comes naturally to those of us who do it ALL. THE. TIME.  I did well over a hundred male/female weddings and I can pose you so that he looks strong and happy and you look thin and happy.... because THAT is what people want - girls wanna look thin, boys want to look 'manly' and everyone wants to look happy.
Done and done.

When I worked with two girls I was like..... where do I put all these boobs? lol
No really.

Visually, it's a different line.... and so I had to really think about poses that brought out their romance - even the hot and heavy side - without it looking.... too much?  for wedding photos.  I don't know if that makes sense.... but I had to make sure I could capture the sensual romance AND make everyone look thin and happy.... and I spent a good deal of time studying same-sex posing ideas online and I was *really* nervous about the wedding and *thrilled* when they were very happy with their images.

However.....I *CAN* appreciate that some photographers either can't wrap their brain around it - or they morally object to it.... NOW.  Don't go freak out on me.

There is a MASSIVE difference baking a cake that someone takes out and puts on a table.  
YOU don't have to be there.
YOU don't have to see the wedding.
YOU don't have to be AT the wedding.
YOU don't have to be present.... just the cake.

For a photographer, you not only have to be *present*, but you need to be COMFORTABLE with your subjects..... it would make *very* little sense for a same-sex couple to hire a photographer who was personally, morally or politically against their marriage.  The subject has to *trust* the photographer - most of my couples have gone on to become great friends of mine.... their day is a bond for us.
I can see where a photographer who doesn't agree with same-sex marriage might have trouble doing a same sex wedding from an actual artistic point of view.

Having said that..... I don't actually know of *any* photographer who would/did turn down a same-sex wedding - and I would assume that if they did... they could kiss their business goodbye, which is what I posted on facebook when this story came out - that Sweet Cakes could (most likely) kiss their business goodbye.

Frankly.... I've seen vendors shut up their shops for doing lesser things that pissed off a bride.

So now the story has come out that Sweet Cakes has closed their location and are now going to work out of their home.... but - what surprises me is their allegations that the gay community took "mafia like" tactics to get them to close down.... yet, they don't define them or state what they are.

At the end of the day - I don't think there are *that* many brides in Portland who want to stand at their own cake table and announce that Sweet Cakes did their cake because it's *incredibly* likely that someone else within the wedding party or the guests will take offence at what Sweet Cakes have done and at the end of the day - weddings are about impressing people.... no one is going to be impressed by discrimination.
Period.

When my baby brother got married and I planned his ENTIRE DAY, I went after only THE FINEST wedding vendors in my area and I took GREAT PRIDE in getting his cake from a premier baker in Portland.  

The dress, the cake, the DJ, the photographer... it's ALL about status..... brides want their friends to say to each other.... "did you see she had Holland Studios?  They are THE BEST photographers in Portland!"  or, "Did you know that her cupcakes came from Cupcake Jones?  They are amazing....."
(Side Note:  Eric @ Holland is AMAZING.  Best photographer I know and he has worked dozens of same sex marriages..... and Lisa @ Cupcake Jones is also amazing and they do make THE BEST cupcakes on the planet.  Period.  So.... if you need either of those things... go there!)

No one... NO ONE - wants to spend $500 on a wedding cake and have people say..... "did you see her cake lady on TV.....?  blah blah blah."

As a wedding vendor - who had a booth in the bridal show and ads in magazines and everything..... *I* can assure you that THAT is the only reason they saw their wedding clientele drop off.... not anyone's "mafia tactics".  

Sweet Cakes closed because of bad business:  their own.

The bakery had *no right* to refuse to sell a cake to anyone based on race, creed or sexual orientation.  Period.  It's the law.  Duh.

When the sign came out - and it said, "Adulterers Need Not Apply" - I was QUICKLY informed by Oregon Real Estate Board that my sign was "illegal" and that I could NOT NOT NOT deny the sale of my home to ANYONE for any reason that could be seen as discrimination.
Period.

So, I actually had to change the sign online to reflect that I would sell the home to *anyone* with a reasonable offer.  Period.  Done.  I wanted to sell my house... not get in trouble with anyone. lol

At the end of the day.... I don't actually *care* if you don't agree with how I live my life... I'm am TOTALLY FINE with people not wanting to be friends with me because of it... I will probably call you out on it... but I take NO ISSUE with anyone standing on their moral or religious convictions.
I really don't.

My only issue is that if someone feels strongly enough about their personal/religious beliefs that they unfriend me or deny someone the right to buy a cake... then they have to be willing to accept the social consequences of those actions.

Just the other day I heard from a friend who had been reading The Blog and she mentioned that she had actually heard from Never Enough *after* the thing happened and that they had run into Never Enough out socially.  Nothing was said while they were face to face, but later Never Enough texted this person to say that she and I were no longer friends and that there were "plenty of reasons" for this - reasons that Never Enough said I knew..... and that it was NOT NOT NOT because I was "gay".

My friend replied back, "That may be the case, but based on your actions and your husbands letter - it seems to *me* that you aren't friends with her because she's gay..... "

Which surprised the hell out of me... honestly.  My friends are just as bold and opinionated as I am - and I was surprised that that was their impression of the situation.  I don't know if those two will be friends or not... and it's totally fine if they are.... but Never Enough never responded to that text... so I'm guessing not.

At the end of the day - what you do matters.  People judge me ALL THE TIME for The Sign and The Book and The Blog... and I (now) keep doing it knowing the consequences.... (when it started I had no clue any of this would happen) - BUT.... by that same token, you don't get to refuse friendship and cake to people based on some moral authority just because *YOU* think God wants you to do that.

For the record, God always want you to:
Never Get a Tattoo:  
Ye shall not make any cuttings in your flesh for the dead, nor print any marks upon you: I am the LORD.Leviticus 19:28

Never Gossip:
Thou shalt not go up and down as a talebearer among thy people: neither shalt thou stand against the blood of thy neighbour; I am the LORD.
Leviticus 19:16

Never Speak in a Church if you are a Woman:
Let your women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted unto them to speak; but they are commanded to be under obedience, as also saith the law. 
1 Corinthians 14:34-35

Never get a Haircut:
Ye shall not round the corners of your heads
Leviticus 19:27

So there you have it.... I didn't find any passages about denying queers friendship or cake... just for the record. :)

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/09/04/sweet-cakes-by-melissa-controversy_n_3866216.html?ir=Gay+Voices

Tired, tired Mommy today.

Today was The Boy's first day of school!
We got out all our new school clothes (thanks Kohls!) - no.... seriously - they gave me a credit card and coupons.... makin' it happen for this single Mom! lolol

And then we took our usual pictures outside the house - and it was all I could do to get through it.
So I'm tired..... emotionally mostly. lol - so enjoy the slideshow... I'm off to bed to prepare for day two!

For the record - The Boy had a "wonderful" day - even though some boy in his class in a blue and white shirt told him that "only girls have long hair" and that "boys have short hair" and that The Boy should cut his hair.

The Boy replied, "Well, that's too bad... because I'm a boy and I have short hair."

For the record..... this *is* after he got a haircut yesterday. 
Sigh.... 

Well... at least he stood his ground.

So.  Something that I have long wondered about is sleeping…. well, not just sleeping, but more about sleeping arrangements.

El Capitan and I co-slept with both our kids from the day they were born.  Even in the hospital, they slept right in my arms and not in the clear plastic beddy thing.  Yuck.  We always wore full pajamas and stuff - and we never like … you know - "did" anything if the kids were in the room/bed with us.

With the introduction of new adults in our beds - I moved the kids away from co-sleeping a few months ago…. mostly because I didn't want them to resent one particular person and later "blame" them - like, "I got to sleep with Mom until "you" came along" kind of a thing… plus - at 8 and 4 - they were ready for their own space.

And then there was two nights ago.

We've been having a lot of thunder storms in our area and sometime in the middle of the night The Girl came into our room because she was crying and scared.  Hail Mary let her climb right in, of course - and she woke me up to let me know The Girl was with us…. but I tend to sleep like a log, so I only barely remember it.

Now, for *clarity* we were both in pajamas. I sleep in yoga pants and a shirt, Hail Mary in basketball shorts and shirt - so we weren't even in like 'sexy' pajamas…. I mean - either of us could have run to Safeway for batteries and no one would have noticed us….. hahahah

So, on I slept…. like a baby.

Hail Mary…. not so much.

The next day I woke up to a snoring Girl between us who had *most* of the blankets - and Hail Mary playing Words with Friends on her phone…. and apparently she had been for a while.

"I've learned," Hail Mary explained, "that I cannot sleep with fishes…. well - a starfish anyway.  Because sleeping next to [The Girl] is like sleeping next to a starfish."

I started to apologize….. but Hail Mary went on, "Except for the small fact that [The Girl] turns into a MMA fighter in her sleep and when she wasn't stiff-arming me, [The Girl] was punching me in the stomach and/or kicking me in the face."

So there you have it…. a Starfish MMA Fighter in a Rapunzel nightgown.

So Hail Mary didn't sleep.  At All.

Which I do, actually, feel terrible about because Hail Mary pointed out that I either I have no problem being punched and kicked in my sleep… or The Girl reserved those activities just for her…. but either way - I snored my way through the night.

I'm just so sexy….. sigh.

However, after our day got started I got to thinking about it all - how complicated it is.  Like, I wouldn't - and I don't think anyone else would - think anything about either of the kids coming in to my bed when it was El Capitan and I, but are things different now?

Will people judge us if the kids come into our bed on those stormy nights, or after a bad dream and want to snuggle……?  I mean - now it's a co-parent situation AND….. eeeggaaads - it's two girls in a bed which - for some people means we're obviously some kind of disgusting, perverted, sexual deviants.  Yes… there actually *ARE* people who believe that about people who have same-sex relationships.

It's kind of a bummer that I have to keep my guard up a bit and *think* about things like that….. when as a Mom my first instinct is to snuggle my kiddos whenever they need it. 

Pajamas are a must…… that's for sure. lololol

Hail Mary and I are still finding our way working together as co-parents.  She's got the bed time routine down pat… which is so great.  She really puts a lot of thought into how she deals with different situations - and then she'll question things later and ask if she should have done/said something different….. it really matters to her that that kids like her - that they want to be around her and want to spend time with her.

Which, I tell her is a bit silly because when The Girl is awake, she's busy dragging Hail Mary to the "play house" for tea parties of plastic fries and cups of air.  Hail Mary and The Girl are bonding quickly…. The Boy ….well, to be honest - I think we're all in a tough stop with him right now.

El Capitan went back to work, so they see their Dad less.  We moved so there's that *huge* change, plus they see a lot less of The Bubbie and The Papa now….. and then there's starting public school.

Sigh.

That's a lot for the little man to take on…. and I'm not entirely sure that I'm navigating these changes as smoothly for him as I could.  I try to talk to him, ask him to journal, etc…. but he kind of clams up a bit.  I only he's struggling because he's been talking back a bit and stuff.

I hope I find a way to better connect with him soon…. how do you keep telling and showing your kids (as they get older) that they mean the world to you….?  Other than telling him, taking him on special adventures and doing my best to dote on him emotionally and otherwise… I'm not sure what else I can do.

The Bubbie talks to him a lot, and he say's he likes living at Hail Mary's house - and that he likes Hail Mary - but that he's worried about school and bullies and stuff….. but, I don't want to just take him at hi word. Kids are smart.  The Boy knows that I love Hail Mary and I'm not entirely sure he *would* say something if he was unhappy because he wants *me* to be happy…..

Sigh.  Being a parent was hard enough…. being a divorced parent is even harder.

However, when we took the kids to Oaks Park for a final summer hooray - both kids fought over who got to ride the rides with Hail Mary - and in the end, we had to start switching back and forth between us so they each got to ride rides with her and I. 

I'm guessing kids who are unhappy and don't like someone don't demand to go on The Scrambler and The Spider with the person they don't want to be around…. so there's that.  I think that's part of getting this right - is not just looking at their words, or their moods, but taking into account their actions as well…. so based on everything, I think our road is a little bumpy at the moment, but that we're all headed in the right direction…..

Or at least I hope to f*ck we are….. lololol

In other news…. The Boy starts his first day of public school tomorrow…. and I'm two parts nervous, one part throwing up and one part excited.  I'm soooo hoping this works out for him… how do parents *do* this????? I mean - I know that more people send their kid to public school than homeschool… but our whole world has been homeschool and now…. it's not.  That's a tough pill to swallow.

Really tough.  For both of us.

He has new Tony Hawk clothes, new VANS for the feet and a new Tony Hawk backpack….  which I hope is ok for 8 years old…. The Boy is pretty nervous - The Girl however is pretty much stomping her foot and demanding to know when *she* gets to go to school, too.  As you do, of course, when you're a Starfish MMA Fighter…. just takin' the world on without fear or hesitation. lol

Yeah…. just like her Mama. J

You know… the thing about being a lesbian - at least the way that I "became" one - is that I wasn't really prepared for how….. different it would be to date a girl.

Of course there are the obvious differences…. one has boobs and the other doesn't.  (And yes, I realize men have 'male members' - however, most any lesbian has a drawer full of those in various shapes, colours and sizes. Which…. I'm not gonna' lie:  that's kind of handy.

Aside from the obvious body differences - dating and/or being with girls is really a whole different ball game…. at least it is for me.

This morning for breakfast Hail Mary made us pancakes - and mine came with a pancake drizzle 'heart' on top…. and like - that was it.

Just a heart.

Out of pancakes.

On top of my pancakes.

And a sweet smile because she was super proud of herself.

There was no lingering 'wink-wink' like there usually is with a guy after such a romantic gesture…. like she was "expecting" something from me in the bedroom later…. she just wanted to do something sweet.  That's all.

Okay…. so may be a few of you are shaking your heads and saying…. "My husband/boyfriend would do that and not be 'expecting' anything…." - but I bet *more* of you are nodding along with me…. there would have been hopes for a blow job in there somewhere if *any* man I ever dated made me a heart shape anything…..

I don't know.  May be because I was less inclined to want to be sexually intimate with men - and therefore I was 'looking' for things……?  Like, maybe I was reading into gestures for 'expectations' - because deep down I wasn't too nuts (pun intended) about having to put out?

IT's hard to say….. I mean - woman always joke about guys bringing them flowers or presents out of the blue and it's like either they *want* something or they *did* something they have to apologize for…. so I can't be too far off base (or… there are *a lot* more closet lesbians out there than anyone wants to admit. lolol)

I kind of feel like Hail Mary is always doing things for me - just because…. which is kind of awesome.

Of course, it hasn't been all heart shaped pancakes… we've had a few bumps in the road but even then, there's always lots and lots and lots of talking….. about feelings and perceptions and communication and mis-communication….. which is just so much easier on me.  It's so great to be with someone who stops what would usually become an angry screaming match and say's…. "Oh, I thought when you said *this* that you meant *that* - now I can see why we aren't connecting….."

Crazy.

Or, one day we did have a tiff on the phone and we were supposed to meet up for a social event and instead Hail Mary called and met me to run my errands before hand - she said that we were in a "bad space" and that we shouldn't walk into a social setting in a 'bad space', but instead we should take a few minutes to talk face to face and get back to our usual 'happy space' together…. and *then* go to the event.

It was just walking around Wal-Mart, but she was right.  After a few minutes of just being around each other, we were back in our usual place… and went on to be social in happy moods.

Hail Mary is wise.  Very wise.

She doesn't know this…. so don't go telling her. lololol

She always holds my hand…. which is super nice.  However, TWO TIMES no at the local Red Robin we've gotten "the look"….. what's the look you ask?  IT's "Those Are LESBIANS" look.  You would think that in 2013 gay people wouldn't get stared at in public anymore…. but we totally do.

The first time we were sitting side by side in the booth and just eating and talking and Hail Mary planet a few sweet kisses (no tongue…. that would be gross in public in my humble opinion lol) - and there was a huge family sitting across the way from us. 

For a while the Dad stared.  Then he said something to this teenage son who stared.  Who told the Mom who turned her hear 180 degrees in her seat to stare…. which lead to the other adults at the table all taking turns and whispering to each other…..

Sigh.

So Hail Mary, who had grown sick of being stared at for doing *exactly* what they were doing: eating dinner at a table - gave them a huge smile and a wave….. and they were *still* staring… so then I planted a big one on Hail Mary and they finally all turned around and made an effort not to look over again….   I mean - even the waitress noticed it!  lol

Then Saturday we were leaving a football game, just walking on the driveway and holding hands and a college guy was walking towards us making rather lewd and suggestive hand gestures about us (Cleary) being lesbians….  we just kept walking, but Hail May said she had a few 'hand gestures' she wanted to share with him… but we just kept walking.

It's amazing to me, even in Portland, how much we get stared at.  How many people nudge whoever they are with to whisper and nod in our direction, it's like "Step Right Up And See With YOUR OWN EYES Two (rather non-descript) LESBIANS - in the flesh!"

I don't care, mind you.  I spent far too many years not being proud of who I was…. I'm certainly not willing to trade who I am now - or the pride I have about who I am with - just because it makes me some kind of Social Circus Attraction for some people.  That's fine…..

I just wish people would understand how much what I am now is…. *normal* for me.  It feels natural because… it *is*.  No one "made" me this way - no one "made" Hail Mary this way…. we just *are* this way.

I am lucky enough to have found someone who accepts me and everything about me - and loves me anyway - that's kind of rare and awesome and amazing….  and may this will last forever and may be it already has some unknown "Sell By" date stamped on it…. but either way, I'm going to enjoy being with her and being loved by her… and yes that means I'm going to hold her hand in public.  Anyone on the planet who takes issue with that can look at the sky, the clouds, the flowers, the passing cars, the menu, the pictures on the wall… whatever.  The world is a big place - there are plenty of things once can do other than stare at something they don't like or don't approve of. 

It happened to me once at Wal-Mart- in the soup aisle I believe.  The Boy saw two women together and whatever they did he figured out that they were "together" and he was just sitting there staring and staring and then he said something about them being together - sounding surprised.  So I took that opportunity to say to him that they *WERE* indeed two women - two "Moms" - and that that was like just like "our" family (at the time with El Capitan) - and that their family just had two Moms.

The Boy replied…. "cool", and we were on our way with a smile and a nod from the two women. 

Sometimes, I feel like we've come so far… and then it seems like we have so much farther to go … I know that *I've* come a long way… but we all have a long way to go on this new path - starting with The Boy's FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL on Wednesday!!!!!!!!!

Tomorrow he gets tested to see where he is at and discuss what grade they would like to put him in…. so send the little man lots of positive thoughts tomorrow!!!!!

Happy First week of school everyone! )

Click here tSo.We are all moved in.  Okay…. let me re-phrase that for a second…. our *boxes* are all moved in, however, most of them remain unpacked and still taped shut. lol

I'm still working so that means traveling back to The Bubbie to drop off The Girl and then to go a job, which is 45 minutes in one direction…. *and* that's assuming I didn't hit the butt-loads of traffic that "sometimes" happen…. in the last week alone I sat in 9 hours of TRAFFIC.

Sigh.

I know… I know- I can hear the LA readers screaming at their screens - "ONLY 9 hours!?!?!" lol… but for the Portland Metro area - that's *a lot* of traffic - and it's going to take some getting used to for me and the kids.  Ideally, we won't be traveling back and forth every day, but mainly on the weekends. 

So, to the begging question…. where are we? 

Well, we have moved in to a house with Hail Mary.  It was actually her idea (one she might regret, eh? lol) - and like I said in the moving post, after reading up on the local school, it was decided by everyone involved - myself, Hail Mary, The Bubbie & Papa and El Capitan - that this would be a good opportunity for The Boy to take advantage of.

Even for a couple of love-struck lesbians…. this timeline is a wee bit on the close side.  However, waiting until The New Year or next year was something that The Boy's counselor advised against strongly in regards to making a positive change for him.  When it came down to it - there were really no downsides to moving and way more positives.

Of course, the major downside being if things don't work out with Hail Mary - it's a loss for the kids and a loss for me as well…. mind you- *most* people aren't all that worried about *ME*! lol…. but a few people were like, "What if you involve her with the kids and it ends and she leaves…..?"

I'm like… yeah - we already *got* that t-shirt…. right?

Of course, I worry about that - right?  That's why I wrote our divorce papers the way I did, because I wanted to keep them from meeting a slew of people that El Capitan or I were dating… I wanted to protect them from that kind of change or potential turnover. 

What I have learned, above all else, in the last 16 months is that I actually only protect my children from f*ckall.  F*ck. All.  Nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch.

It's hard to learn to accept that as a parent - after all the Attachment Parenting and baby-wearing and breast feeding….. you think you have so much 'control'… but the truth is, I have no control.  I can't control what their Dad does or how various people's decisions will affect them (or not) in the future.  All I *can* do is try as hard as I can to give them the tools (emotional and otherwise) that they will need to deal with….. life.

It's hard to fall in love at 38 with two kids under your feet…. there's not really enough time for just the two of you when there are four of you around all the time.  On top of that, my time and attention is split and if the kids are home and around, they kind of take pole position in my thoughts and decisions and conversations…. which Hail Mary understands.
I'm pretty lucky for that.

Understanding as she is, it's sometimes hard for both of us to find time to connect when we're running around all day working and whatnot…. we tend to just fall asleep… or rather, I'm pretty good at falling asleep. lolol…..

Of course, there's always fear…. right?  I mean, now it's not just *me* falling in love - it's the kids, too.  They'll spend more and more time with Hail Mary and months or years or decades from now…. if it doesn't work:  it's their love that's lost, too.
Which sucks.  A Lot.

But…. there are no guarantee's in life. As much as I want to believe in everything Edward promises to Bella… there really are *NO* "forever's" in this life.  At least not for us mere mortals, anyway.  And, in spite of anything you *might* have heard at Church or read about online - lesbians are actually just mere mortals.  lol

It really comes down to some advice Janda gave me.  She said, "Stop looking for forever, and just look for someone you have fun with - date them and see what happens."  I suppose, in a way, I'm always been looking for 'forever' - but that's what girls do.  Raised on healthy diet of Disney fairy tales and John Cusak films, I've always looked at potential mates with my 'forever' glasses on.  Which, I think is kind of wrong.

I thought El Capitan was forever.  I was pretty sure of it.  In fact, if you had asked me one hour before I saw that first text message - I would have *confidently* told you that El Capitan was for forever.  With A Doubt…. and we all know where that got me.

Hail Mary started as a friend of a mutual friend. 

We met and she was…. interested.  Bella said Hail Mary was throwing me all kinds of 'looks' and 'signals', but I wasn't very receptive because Hail Mary is younger (quite a bit younger) - and I just assumed that when she found out I had kids that she wouldn't be interested.

So I saw her around at different lesbian events and she messaged me on facebook about something… then we were messaging about movies and music and somehow I ended up meeting her for the first movie- where the Mall Cops threatened us with $600 fines if got naked in the parking lot.  lol.  I still think that's funny.

But… it was just a few nights after that we had our "first date" - and then our second date…. and our first date went on as long as our 'friend date' - with the two of us talking… and kissing - until it was 3am and we both had to drive home from the restaurant.  (Side Note:  it's super cute, but Hail Mary actually *asked* me if she could kiss me.  After five *hours* of talking and laughing at dinner and another HOUR of me leaning up against my car in the most 'casual but my face looks really good from this angle' way.... just *waiting* for her to kiss me... she still *asked* me, "Is it okay if I kiss you now?"  Umm... yes... hell yes! lolol)

The second "official" date though…. Hail Mary made me pizza at her place and she had noticed that I always get strawberry lemonade when we go out - so, she had bought the stuff to make lemonade from scratch and *then* she bought fresh strawberries and raspberry's which she crushed by hand to mix into the lemonade.

Now - *that* really was sweet enough.  Pizza with two halves with different toppings because she wasn't sure what I would like… butch girls are so thoughtful.

More than the lemonade was the fact that Hail Mary had placed some of her homemade mixture into an ice cube tray - and I had strawberry/raspberry lemonade ice cubes.

Done.  Sold. Hooked…. that was my "Cliff Elevator" moment…… (Okay - in Singles - Janet is in love with Clifff the entire movie…. she pines and gets over him - and Cliff is kind of a douche.  Then he falls in love with Janet but she's over him…. but allll along - she had said that her *one* thing, her one 'wish' - was that she would sneeze and her Mr. Perfect would say "bless you."  At the end of the movie Cliff is in the elevator with a now indifferent Janet… she sneeze's… he says it - just to be polite - and she jumps his bones and they make out then and there.)

So … yeah - the ice cubes hadn't really hit the bottom of the glass before Hail Mary had my arms wrapped around her…. butch girls got game.  Seriously.  And hey…. don't judge - it was technically the *third* date, so kissing is well in order at this point.

But that's generally what I really like about Haily Mary.  She really thinks about what the people around her need - whether it's family or friends or whoever…. she puts a lot of thought and effort into being there for the people in her life.  We're a bit similar that way….. we kind of take care of people in the same way - which means, …. drum roll please:  Hail Mary takes care of me the way I have always taken care of other people.  Which is amazing.

I'm afraid to say much else…. what if this doesn't work out?  Do I really want to be the 'scorned and bitter lesbian'?  Hmm… probably not. lololol

But, at the same time…. I wish I could tell you … show you how amazing being with Hail Mary is.  How when she kisses me - oh… and she *loves* to point this out to me - that I almost always have to pause to catch my breath because… to be honest:  she kind of still takes it away.

True story.

The best I can do, is share this with you……. enjoy.

To The Boy & The Girl,

This is your Mom.

Your Mom who loved, loved, loved all things Bell Biv Devoe, Madonna, Sheila E., Prince and many others…. by the time you read this, these artists will be as old as dinosaurs and their scantily-clad bodies that gyrated and rubbed and threw The Bubbie and The Papa into an absolute uproar with have become about as "racy" as doing 'The Twist' (look that up - it's a thing).

I hope in your day there is some artist - some Miley Cyrus type - who is growing and pushing the boundaries of music and dance …. and I hope they are doing dance moves that make me blush while wearing clothes that make me want to cover your eyes and singing about things that I completely *fear* actually have to talk with you about (sex…. which, I will quickly turn to Salt & Peppa to advise you on.  Look them up, too.)

You see as of late a current pop star Miley Cyrus did a dance that people are calling "dirty" and disgusting and she did it on the VMA's.  (The Video Music Awards is hosted by MTV - which, did in fact kill 'the radio star' and I find myself wondering what will kill the 'video star'…. )  The world, the media, social media and water coolers at work have been abuzz with what a "slut" Miley is - how she has "no self esteem" and bloggers are writing "letters to their children" about how they hope their kids don't grow up to be like Miley.  And how their kids shouldn't "grow up to act like Miley."

Well…. fuck that.

I hope you grow up *EXACTLY* like Miley Cyrus…. and let me tell you why:

If you grow up and look up to Hollywood starlets and singers as 'mentors' and not as the entertainers they intend to be …. then I have failed you.

If you grow up believing that the *only* way you can get a boy or girl's attention is by rubbing your ass up into their junk (this is called "twerking" - look that up, too) - ….. then I have failed you.

If you grow up searching for your self-esteem in the reflection of someone on TV or the radio…. and *not* within yourself…. then I have failed you.

If either of you becomes someone who thinks wearing skin tight and skimpy clothes is the only way to attract the affection and attention of someone of the opposite (or same) sex…. then I have failed you.

If you are so ill-informed and under-educated that you form political and personal opinions based on song lyrics or the opinions of people who are *paid to entertain you* and not *educate* you…. then I have failed you.

If you grow up mouthing the words to a song which is sung for *fun* and *entertainment* and you then live out these lyrics….. for instance the current Blurred Lines lyric ……"give you something to tear your ass in two….." - and take them to be a literal way to have sex or live your life ….. then I have failed you.

Side Note To The Boy:  Your penis, your hands, your *person* is there to love, caress and show passion with respect (and consensual ) care to the human being you decide to be intimate with.  Your body should never be used to "tear" anything on *anyone*. EVER.  If I have not taught you respect women and that even though you might hear a funny song that is great to dance too…. there are NO FUCKING BLURRED LINES when it comes to a man or woman's consent to be intimate with you.  No means no.  

If I haven't taught *either* of you that "good girls" are not actually "wanting it"…. then I have failed you miserably.  Totally. Utterly. Miserably.

If I haven't taught you to take your personal health seriously and how to protect yourself against HIV, HPV and HSV…. then I have failed you and I will never, ever forgive myself.

If I haven't taught you the difference between *entertainment* and *education*… then I have failed you.

If you grow up setting the 'due North' on your own personal Moral Compass in the direction of promiscuity and drinking and partying….. then I have failed you.

If I haven't taught you to how to stand up for yourself…. then I have failed you.

If I haven't taught you that a song or a movie is *just* that and *not* a guide on how to live your life…. then I have failed you.

You see…. people are saying that Miley Cyrus's Dad - Billy Ray (you should look him up, too for a giggle) - failed her because he "raised" her to 'shake her ass' and blah blah blah.

Wrong.

Billy Ray Cyrus raised a bold girl with an opinion.

You see, you do *not* have to agree with anyone's opinion…. but I sure as shit hope that I've raised you to *respect* and appreciate someone else's point of view. 

Billy Ray raised a girl who has awkwardly grown up with the world watching and yet…. she is strong enough in herself and in her character to question and experiment with her sexuality - openly.

HooF*ckingRah for that.

I can only hope and pray that I will raised both of you to be willing to talk with me about your sexuality and be open about any 'experimenting' with alternative lifestyles that you want to do.  I will not be ashamed of who you are and what you want to do so long as a) no one gets hurt, b) everything is consensual , c) you are of an appropriate age and d) no one gets pregnant or an STD.  

I guess the world is all in a panic because Miley is playing around with the idea of "Furries" (it's a thing… look it up - but don't download any videos…. lolol.  No really - don't.) What they are forgetting is that often young entertainers push the boundaries of what is comfortable in society…. it's what we expect them to do - and then if someone decides they've gone "too far" then we chastise them for it……

If I haven't taught you how to *safely* and openly push your own boundaries…. then I have failed you.

You're going to hear lots of song in your life about "getting laid" or "getting some" but if you grow up thinking that *that* is the only thing to do to entertain yourself…. then I clearly haven't expanded your mind with arts and literature and other life experiences…. and I have failed you.

Side Note:  you WILL get laid…. but please see the above about the how/when you do that.

If you grow up without any ability to balance *when* it's time to party and when it's time to work or study…. if I haven't taught you to commit to something other than 'partying' all the time… then I have failed you.

Here are some simple truths according to Miley Cyrus:

It's your mouth… you *can* say what you want to.

It's your body…. you *can* love who you want to.

You can kiss…. who *you* want.

You can sing what you want…..don't take nothin' from nobody…..

Remember only God can judge ya - even if you're dancing like you belong in a strip club.

Forget the haters 'cause somebody loves ya.  (Your Mom… your Mom always loves you.  just sayin')

If I am LUCKY ENOUGH that you grow up to *know* these things and implement these values into your life correctly….. (see above) - then I have done a job I will be proud of and I will have not failed you.  

I will created two human beings who value their own personal inner confidence and power to stand up and BE WHO THEY ARE.  

I will have raised two human beings who will be strong enough in their convictions to stand up for what they believe in, and even if I don't agree with you - I will be proud of you for having convictions.

I will have, most importantly, raised two people who will be willing to try new things, stretch their wings and …… fail.  Yes:  fail.

I hope you fail miserably at times- because that only means you were willing to be open about trying…. and know that when you fail and when you fall - not only will I *still* be there to love you and support you…. but I will know that you have the self-confidence to get yourself over these inevitable bumps in the road that is growing up…. we *all* hit them, but not everyone has the strength to get over them and past them.

If you have that strength…. then I will have gotten things right.

Because at the end of the day….. if I have failed - then *I* have failed you - that blame will not lie at the feet of whatever new "Miley Cyrus" is around…. that blame is squarely on me and me alone because Miley Cyrus didn't give birth to you, she's not raising you…. she - and people like her - are there to entertain you - *I* am here to educate you.

I'm being totally honest when I say that I hope I raise two people who 'do what they want to' and do -whatever it is - with pride, conviction and confidence…. just like Miley.


PLEASE..... let 'Miley Cyrus'.... BE A LESSON TO YOU!

Please be willing to be who you are.... be wiling take appropriate risks and challenge people with your thoughts and your actions.... take entertainment for what it is.... entertainment.  No one got pregnant on the VMA stage... no one went to war (which our President is *Currently* doing), no one got hurt - emotionally or otherwise - and no teddy bears were harmed during any twerking...... 

Most of all.... when you see someone else willing to be bold, willing to be daring.... EVEN IF YOU DON'T AGREE WITH THEM... or what they did or how they did it.... please do not be apart of bullying someone for who they are.

Please do not be apart of 'slut shaming' because a girl wore clothes you thought were too small - or she danced too 'sexually' for you.... whether you see this girl on TV are at a house party.... that girl is a HUMAN BEING and deserves your respect.

Period.

If I haven't raised you to be above judging people for what they do and who they are - AND - to know the difference between 'judging' and 'questioning'.... then I have failed.

Failure, however... is not an option.... as Miley say's.... 'We can't stop and we won't stop'.... and she's right - I won't stop raising you to be the people I dream for you to be - and I won't stop you from being entertained by singers and songwriters and artists... but I won't let you be 'educated' by them either.

Love, 
Your Mom
who can do The Twist, dirty danced to Bell Biv Devoe and yes.... can twerk - just don't ask me to show you how in 20 years.... 

So.  As promised. 
A full blog.

The last year has been soooo full of change.  Change I resisted and fought and prayed would go away..... change I accepted and welcomed.... and changes that I made.

It's hard at the same time - because deep down.... I never wanted any of this.  Yes yes.... I'm not whining..... I promise.  But Hail Mary and I were just talking about this the other night because I feel like once you become a Mom you become several different people:  Mom, Wife, Business Owner/Worker, Friend... etc.  

First and foremost is:  Mom.

As a Mom.... I have to admit that I still *don't* want any changes.  I want my kids to grow up in the nuclear family that created them and made certain promises to raise them.... I have to come to realize that *this* is the last part of the past that I have to find a way to put to bed.  Not bury, mind you.... but - put to bed.  I need to find a way to let go of this because I can't go back in time.  I can't change anything about the past and what happened and whatever.....

But I would if I could.
Hail Mary understands this.  Which, is really kind of amazing.

I often think back to standing on the checkerboard floor of my kitchen and saying, "What's going on.....?  Is there something wrong?  Do we need to talk.....? "  and getting back.... "We're fine.  Stop asking."

The truth is... it didn't matter if I was asking or not, the writing was on the wall, beds were being made and slept in (not alone for that matter) and changes were afoot.  I could feel them back them... like tiny earthquakes makes me feel uneasy and scared about the future.... our future.
Even then, I never dreamed my future would involve a woman.
Nope.
Not then.
Not ever.

As Mom's we *always* do our best to "shield" our children from things that we think are bad - people, music, movies, situations.... whatever.  We want to protect them and keep them and their world and their hearts.... safe.  *HOW* to do this has been re-defined for me on *almost* a daily basis... 

I debate and discuss this with so many of my friends and The Bubbie and Hail Mary.... the truth is, I won't really know if I've made the right or wrong decisions until it's too late to change any of them because the kids will be grown.  but.... isn't that the challenge *every* parent faces......?

First our family changed.
Then our home changed.
Then their bed changed (yes... that counts dammit. lol)
Then their co-parent set up changed with La Novia taking a (welcomed) role in their lives.

Then we met Hail Mary..... and everything changed, at least for me.
And .... now for them, too.

I knew I was ready to trust someone.  Okay.... well, kind of.... I'll kind of always be a bit sensitive in that area..... it's like breaking your ankle.  You know how people say, after their ankle heels, that they can "feel" the rain coming on because it makes their joints hurt more?

I think my "joints" are always going to hurt more and be a little more sensitive to 'emotional rain'... if you know what I mean.  The challenge, of course, is to make sure that I only get our my 'umbrella' for *actual* rain, not the imagined, accusatory, ruin-a-perfectly-good-relationship-kind.... but I think that's pretty normal.

So I knew I was ready trust... and then of course there was the whole deciding I'd rather bang girls than boys change.... that was a big one that we don't need to dissect here because there are plenty of Posts already on The Blog regarding it..... but yes:  HUGE CHANGE.

Change for me.
Change for the kids.
Change for El Capitan.
Change for my family and friends....... and with the exception of ONE friend... they are all still here for me.
I'm so grateful for that........

However, more changes were coming.... where to school the children and how.... where to work and what about childcare.....?  The school located locally to where we had been living were not..... super great.  Our own friends have bailed out of a few of them, with nothing nice to say.... so I was beginning to worry. 
A lot.

I have to go to work and get a "real" job.  Photography is *great* and has been an amazing career for me for the last 18 years..... 18 years.  That's just *crazy* to think about.  Crazy... but true.  I love doing the work, and I love my clients (most of them, anyway) even more.... but it's not enough to 'keep the lights on' AND start putting away for any kind of retirement that doesn't have me living in a cardboard box under a bridge.
No.  I'm serious.  lolol

So I need a "real" job with benefits and whatnot... which means no home school and some kind of school/day care situation.  So everything kept circling around sending The Boy to public school..... and there didn't seem to be any answers that worked for us locally.  Until Hail Mary came along.

Hail Mary is.... a problem solver.  
We like that about her.

It's just..... it's so hard to put *any* of your 'eggs' in anyone else's basket when the bottom keeps falling out of every basket you start to trust...... especially when one basket turns out to be a bit of a 'basket case'.....

It's hard to put yourself out there - and it's even harder when it's NOT JUST YOU.  It's harder when you have two kids who are holding onto you for their own emotional stability and well being.... it's harder to take a chance and just trust...... so. f*cking. hard.

I actually called El Capitan to talk about this.... strange, I know.  But I called him and we talked about how *easy* it was to fall in love back then..... I didn't have two kids to protect and care for - it was just me - and it seemed so easy and natural to just throw caution to wind and run off and get married.

It felt exhilarating and romantic and run.

What was exhilarating in my twenty's now feels nauseating in my thirties. lololol

And then, of course, we were together for *ten years* - so having only known him for just three weeks when we got married becomes irrelevant because you would *think* after ten year you *know* someone... but ... yeah:  sometimes you don't. lol

So we talked about that and how *this* time I have all these intense feelings for Hail Mary but no "sure" column to put them in.... fear and ... well - just fear:  it rains fear sometimes and I can't seem to find an 'umbrella' big enough to get a break from it.  It's just soaking in all the time.

El Capitan and I talked about that.  About my fears and whatnot..... I know that sounds strange - but he was my best friend for ten years - he knows me better than a lot of people.... and in the 'romantic sense' - he knows me better than anyone else.  So, it seemed like a good idea to talk things out with him.
And it was.

The school next to Hail Mary is a good school.
A *really* good school.
In a top rated school district........ so, Hail Mary proposed that we move to her area so that The Boy could have the opportunity to go to that school......

So I did as much research as I could, and El Capitan did as well... and The Bubbie and The Papa.  We read online reviews and I found people to talk to me about the school.... and (for the most part), it all sounds really good.... so then it came down to moving.

This means we're more than 30 minutes away from Bubbie and Papa.  No more "built in" babysitting service... lol.  Which is fine to give up in terms of going on socially, but *much* harder to walk away from in terms or childcare while I'm working... which is super scary.

Believe it or not.... when it came down to whether or not the kids and I were going to go live with Hail Mary - it wasn't really a conversation with Hail Mary.... I already knew what my heart wanted to do.  No - *this* was a conversation for El Capitan.  Again.

I know..... he didn't talk to me before he moved in with La Novia.  I didn't have a choice.... and, for a while, we all suffered the consequences of those actions..... *however* - that doesn't mean I get to just go and do whatever the *f*ck* I want to.  I wish it did..... but it doesn't.
The Mom in me say's so......  She can be such a pain the ass sometimes.... hahaha

So I went back to El Capitan again and we talked... and talked.
He likes Hail Mary.  He likes the school and we agreed that this presented a positive opportunity for our kids.... and so - with El Capitan's help, the decision was made:  we were moving in with Hail Mary.

Yup.  You read that right.
AND..... drum roll please:  El Capitan MOVED US IN with Hail Mary.
Picked-up the truck.
Drove the truck.
Loaded the truck.
and.... un-loaded the truck at Hail Mary's house.

Actually, El Capitan & Hail Mary did the loading and the un-loading together.... which was fine and drama-free... and *that's* a little crazy because that day - moving day.....

THAT day - the day my ex-husband helped me move into my girlfriends house - *that* day is the first day in 16 months that I spent *that* much time with El Capitan..... I haven't spent more than a few hours with him since April 18th of 2012.  

It's a lot faster than Hail Mary and I had planned..... but the school year is starting and commuting that far every day doesn't make a ton of sense..... and no matter how we looked at it - moving in was the best/easiest/smoothest option for the three of us.
Hail Mary is like that.... she just wants things to be good for the *three* of us.

I've been a bit afraid of blogging about Hail Mary... for fear that it'll all go wrong again and I'll be left cleaning up the pieces... there's been too much of that this last year and a half.  But.... I suppose you have to be willing to take a chance and make changes you believe *at the time* are for the best.... and just hope and pray that they are.  

Hail Mary is kind and committed... or at least she better be committed. lolol (see... that's my ankle worried about rain and putting up my umbrella)..... she's patient and amazing.... yeah, I'll just leave it at that:  Hail Mary is amazing.

Today I registered The Boy for 'real school' and he's scared.... but they are both excited about their new room (more on that later) and they like living with Hail Mary.  This option was discussed at length with both of them before I made the final decision.... I hope when they grow up they feel like they had an actual say in what we did and didn't do..... 

Visitation with El Capitan was worked out - and a plan for the kids to stay with The Bubbie and The Papa on a regular basis..... and then everyone worked together to pack up our toys and our clothes and our life and move us to Hail Mary's place.

And I had to start working on packing up my emotional past.... so that I can make this change fear and worry free.... as best I can.  So that I can give this person and this new beginning the fresh start it deserves..... which I really hope I'm already doing.   

Last night Hail Mary joked that while she knows that I picked her name while were still 'just friends' and it was an athletic reference..... she pointed out that, in the end - she appears to have been the 'hail mary' we all needed.... too true, it seems.... too true.

So.... the joke is:

What does a lesbian bring to the second date?
A:  A Uhaul.

Well.... it's not the *second* date... hahahaha - but we've been Uhauled. 
******************************************

ps..... it might be 48 hours before I can post again.... .sorry kids. :)
 

Alright, so I *know* that I promised to be more consistent.... but my computer is currently in another place - and WE are going through some big (and exciting) changes.....

So a full post tomorrow - but it'll show up during the day tomorrow not overnight. :)

Sorry kids... but trust me when I tell you it's worth waiting for. :)

Alright..... so we can see that things were going downhill between Never Enough and I.  I forgot to mention, or rather explain, in yesterday's post that part of my annoyance with Never Enough was that on facebook she was suuuuuppppper Christian.  Posting all kinds of things about 'living in grace' and how she 'gave so much to many people' and on and on...... but then if/when I did talk to her (for all the years I'd known her) - it was *nothing* but nasty about so-and-so's 40th Birthday that "never ended" or such-and-such and their luxury trip..... 

Anyhow...... 

I was putting some time and work into trying to figure out a future career and I studied and applied for a position with 911.  Getting on with 911 is actually really hard, but the pay is $26 an hour to start, full time with benefits.  When I posted that I was trying for something but didn't say what on The Blog, Never ENough called to ask me what I was doing - and I told her.

She them immediately told me that she and her husband were thinking she should do that in a few years - which... caught me by surprise because Never Enough hadn't worked in over 12 years and has several kids of various ages and they have a *super* busy life with school and sports and the lives of an entire family with a fairly large gap in ages.  (Trying to be respectfully vague here).  As it was, Never ENough was always running from here to there (like a good Mom :) with tons of activities for busy kids..... I didn't see where a full time job would make that easier.

But, I said nothing and told her that I would give her the info from 911 when I went for the testing and let her know how it went and what it all entails.... until you actually take the first test, they don't give you too much information about how it all works.

Around this time - Never Enough sent the other family friend a kiss off letter - calling her out for the friend "limiting" what Never Enough could see on her facebook page.... yes.  You read that right.  The friend only let certain friends see certain posts and this really pissed off Never Enough because she wasn't on the list where she could see everything but other mutual friends were......

All the time, whenever we did talk - it was about how tired Never Enough was, always running around - on this committee at school (she's a good Mom who volunteers a ton at school) - and so many obligations... etc.  I was also very aware that they had successfully done the Dave Ramsey program and "graduated" - so financials were not an issue for them.  (I was reminded on their Ramsey success often.)  Never Enough suddenly expressing interest in a full time job took me by total surprise.

After I took the test Never Enough messaged me on facebook and it went exactly like this - keep in mind this is messaging over mobile:

Elle Zober  hey.... are we EVER have lunch? lol

8:48pm

NEVER ENOUGH  I know! Life with X kids is crazy, and XXXXXXX naps from 12-2:30. How's everything going? How'd the 911 thing go?

Elle Zober The test went well..... You should forget applying though.  :(

NEVER ENOUGH  Why? I'm years off from it, thinking of other options.

Elle Zober  Even if you get in, its 2.5 weeks staying in Salem!  Then three months working 9-5, then at least two years working four ten hour shifts: your three days off are ties/Wed/thurs and the shifts are at night 11 pm to 9 am.  [HUSBAND] couldn't work the XXXXXX dept anymore on weekends.
It's going to be hard with kids......

NEVER ENOUGH Yep. I knew most of that. Hope it works out for you.

Elle Zober Thanks.

*******************************

Never Enough's final repsonse of "hope it works out for you" was curt.... and rude.  Works out?  She knew that if I did that I woudl have to give up *everything* I love as a Mom - staying at home, doing homeschool... so - that's really 'working out', and she knows it..... so clearly I had pissed her off.

But... her reply pissed me off... and frankly - her attitude did, too. So here was my reply to her an hour later:

Elle Zober

You know- at the risk of pissing you off.... do you not remember how tired you were working the 'night shift' for Gymboree? This is *hard* work - and usually requires a lot of overtime. If you think you're tired now- you're going to be way more tired with three kids coming off a school bus at 3 pm when you've only had 4 hours of sleep.... and then it'll be homework and dinner to make and life to live... and - there would be no more XXXXXXXXXXXX  weekends or retreats... or anything. but you already thought of that? I highly doubt it. [Husband] makes good money and you have a good life - I don't think you *know* as much as you think you do if you think you're going to work a job like that and still get to be a Mom and be happy. Don't give up your very nice, very wonderful life - I truly don't think a job in dispatch would be something you would end up loving.

May 18
******************************************************************************

The next day Never Enough posted a HUGE facebook thing about how 'grateful' she was for a life full of 'godly women' who don't 'judge' her and 'accept' and 'support' her - and she tagged like eight people.... and clearly not me. 

You can't be Godly if you're a queer... right?
And my noting to her how great she has things.... that's not supporting her?
Well, it is in my book.  Sorry.

So then I posted a snotty facebook comment on my wall (after several friends sent me screen shots of her because they had a feeling it was about me.... lolol) and I just said something about being grateful for friends who support me and don't covet other people's luxury holidays.

Yeah.... that was bitchy.  I can own that. :)

The next day I got this in my message box:

NEVER ENOUGH:

Elle, I've thought hard the last few days about how I wanted to reply. Please don't pretend to know what goes on in the four walls of my home. I feel like our friendship is slowly changing and right now I need to focus on my family. I wish you all the best. XXXXXXX
****************************************************************************

I then got a "friend request" from Never ENough...... because, you see I had "hidden" her and her annoying posts off my facebook feed *months* before... hahahaha - so whens he "defriended" me - I didn't notice and dind't respond or have a reaction.

So she unfriended me.
Then she re-friend requested me.
Then she deleted that request, so that I would get the first one in my email and notice we weren't facebook friends anymore.... .

If that doesn't really sum up everything for you RIGHT THERE.... I'm not sure I'll ever explain my frustrations with her behavior clear enough.

So, this all happened and ended by May 18th...... until OUT OF THE FRIGGIN BLUE, I got this gem of an email from Never ENough's Husband:

Elle,
I don't know where to start.  I felt the need to talk with you and not comfortable with a phone call.  I unfriended you and then told [Never Enough] to do the same after you were so rude and mean to her {IN THE FACEBOK MESSAGE I SENT HER ABOVE].  I don't know why you felt the need to personally attack her in your messages about becoming a dispatcher (not the first time).  They were so mean and hurtful I put my foot down and said nah she isn't worth the trouble.   I am surprised at how bitter and angry you have become with the world.  It was bad before but, now it's nauseating.  We have been there for each other over the years and not used you just for pictures like most.  I know you and [Never Enough] have butted heads over miscommunications and hurt feelings in the past but, this was above and beyond. 
 
I hope you figure out sometime why you are so angry and bitter in life.  I feel sorry for [El Capitan] for all the time you spent beating him down.  We weren't surprised when it happened.  
 
I don't really appreciate facebook and blog posts [I HAD BLOGGED NOTHING ABOUT THIS UNTIL YESTERDAY].  I know you need material but, would be nice if you could learn restraint.  I won't be surprised if you copy paste only parts of this email in some blog post that people with no lives read that you feel the need to impress.  If you are going to quote me do it in its entirety.
 
You've said it numerous times yourself most of your "friends" are scared of being no souped and all the mean things you'll say about them after it's over.  That's a great way to keep friends. 
 
I would really be impressed if you ever admit (even if only to yourself since you have an image to uphold) some fault about your marriage.  Especially in light of the "recent" coming out But, that was probably [El Capitan's] fault too.   
 
We both truly hope you find some fulfilling happiness in your life. 
 
XXXXX XXXXXXXXX
Sublight Aerospace
cell:  503-XXX-XXXX
fax:  503-XXX-XXXX

**********************************************************************************************************************************

So there you have it..... "THE LETTER".  In it's entirety for you.

I called El Capitan and read him the letter - and then I wrote this reply which I will edit out of respect for Never ENough and her Husband..... again - she has *not* spared ANY detail of my life as she has gossiped and sent out her own "letters" explaining things to other mutual friends.... but I do have a bit more class.  (May be not much more.... lolololol)

*****************************************************


Hey [Never Enough's Husband] - 

Wow..... I'm not at all sure where to start ... or finish for that matter.   But JUST so we're all clear, this is the facebook message I sent to [Never ENough]:


You know- at the risk of pissing you off.... do you not remember how tired you were working the 'night shift' for Gymboree? This is *hard* work - and usually requires a lot of overtime. If you think you're tired now- you're going to be way more tired with three kids coming off a school bus at 3 pm when you've only had 4 hours of sleep.... and then it'll be homework and dinner to make and life to live... and - there would be no more XXXXXXXXX weekends or retreats... or anything. but you already thought of that? I highly doubt it. [Husband] makes good money and you have a good life - I don't think you *know* as much as you think you do if you think you're going to work a job like that and still get to be a Mom and be happy. Don't give up your very nice, very wonderful life - I truly don't think a job in dispatch would be something you would end up loving.

I don't see where I'm "rude" or "mean" to be totally honest.  I really don't.  I was being honest with her - she would have to give up everything that she loves, and I find it hard to believe that she would do that.  Do you not remember her very brief stint at Gymboree that was only a few hours a night and she was exhausted?  I do.  

But.  Let's get real for a second.
Why are you doing this?  And why is [Never Enough] posting her little cryptic messages on facebook.......?  I see below that you make a stab at me to suggest that "all my other friends" are only friends with me for "pictures"..... that's nice and mature of you.  So.,.. just know that I get sent (multiple) copies of [Never Enough's] facebook page when she posts her nasty comments.... got one today, in fact.

So, why the sudden surge in hate mail to Elle?  I haven't actually blogged or written anything on my facebook page since this ended weeks ago... so why now?
Hmm... interesting.

You and [El Capitan] were never friends.  [El Capitan] thought you were a tool who didn't play with his kids and bullied them instead..... I doubt he's turned to you for any kind of solace and advice.  But yes.... my marriage to [El Capitan] had it's *many* challenges.... surely one of which is my temper.

But since you're so willing to talk about marriages.... let's do that. :)

Here's what I *never* did..... I never racked up $XXXXK in debt - and I certainly NEVER ran up a $XXXK credit card behind my husbands back..... so - while you two weren't surprised when [El Capitan] left me... I'm shocked you two have made it this far.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX block party and refused to return XXXXXXXX phone calls so at 10pm she had XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX to come home ... and you didn't.  And then the next day XXXXXXXXXXXX GIRLS HALF SHIRT wadded up in the dirty laundry on the floor XXXXXXXXXXXX room.....?  That was during the time when you either went to Hooters or Stars for lunch every day XXXXXXXXXX said she XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX phone numbers in your phone..... 

So... before you go throwing stones XXXXXXXX - you might want to take a long hard look at your own life.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Again.  Stones.... keep them in your own yard, please. 

Through all of this, I have maintained the friends I *wanted* to keep.  Those that have fallen away have done so without any regret or notice from me..... [Never Enough] is someone who does this friendship merry-go-round CONSTANTLY.

For a while XXXXXXXX is the greatest.... then she falls out with her and all I hear is nasty stuff about her.... then it's XXXXXXX turn or whoevers turn..... I'm not dumb enough to NOT know that I come up on the getting talked about nasty cycle frequently..... which is NOT a friendship.  You know very well she does this - how many friends have gotten [Never Enough's] little kiss-off letter?  Too many to count.....

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

I have kept hundreds of friends..... going back to my gradeschool years.  I'm proud of that.  My life is *full* of joy and friendship and, unlike some, I celebrate my friends success', I don't covet them, which might be why they are still around for me decades later.  

Fault in my marriage.... am I going to get an email back where you own YOUR faults in your marriage?  I'm not sure why you think it's your place to call me out and make any kind of demand on me to own anything in my personal life..... that's actually kind of funny that you think you can do that.

But let's be real for a second.  I loved [El Capitan].... yes, deep down I would have preferred to be with a woman -  but I was a good wife.  In fact, not wishing to write anything that isn't true:  I just called [El Capitan].  I asked him point blank if I beat him down..... if I haven't owned what I've done in our marriage - and he said no on both points.  We have *both* had to own what we did - where we went wrong, etc.  However, he never felt "beat down" (as you put it) and he doesn't understand why *you* feel so compelled to say something like that to me since he never talked to you during or after our marriage about anything personal.

In regards to me being "angry and bitter"..... it's [Never Enough] who is constantly angry and bitter at someone.  She seeks out drama and creates problems with friends where there aren't any - and then she stands in the middle of her mess and cries about how no one is "nice" to her.  She has written off countless friends - you and I both know it... are *you* going to stand up and own that?  Are you going to own the issue's in your marriage as you so boldly demand that I do?

I haven't written any blog posts regarding this - however, I appreciate your written approval to reprint your email in it's entirety if I decide to print it... that's very nice of you.

For the record, I have only ever stopped being friends with XXXXXXX - aside from her..... I have never "no souped" any of my friends and I don't think any of them actually worry about that happening.... 

 You need to educate yourself about homosexuality.  No one "turned" me gay. [El Capitan] and I had a *very* good laugh about that.  I was born this way.  Literally.  I chose to be straight, I thought it was a choice I *could* make.... and frankly - our marriage was punctuated by situations where our intimate life was not an option - and months rolled into years and years into a decade - and we never dealt with what was wrong in our bedroom.  [El Capitan] has owned the fact that he never complained - we never talked about it..... NO ONE is to "blame" for my being gay and that fact that you wrote that shows a lot of ignorance about the topic on your part.  Additionally, my being gay is not the reason my marriage failed - [El Capitan] will tell you that himself, but since you're not actually friends with him.... that won't happen.

At the end of the day.... [Never Enough] isn't comfortable with my being gay.  When I first told her - she uninvited me *as quick as she could* to her XXXXXXXXXXX retreat.... and I never saw her again.  That was March - early March.  I asked for play dates and coffee dates and anything..... I had agree to watch your children overnight for your romantic hotel getaway - which said said YOU cancelled because you didn't want her spending the money...... and I never saw her again.  She then wrote off XXXX XXXXXXX  as a friend and I knew my days were numbered...... doesn't it bother you that she does this?  Isn't it at all awkward for you that she picks these fights with people - especially when you work with XXXXXX's HUSBAND?  

The point is.... I never saw her again after that day.  Make of it what you want - but, the only person who is bitter and angry with the world is [NEver Enough].  Read The Blog... I'm happy - and have been for a looooooong time.  Stop believing [NEver ENough's] interpretations.... because to be honest - [NEver ENough] told me you never liked [El Capitan].  You thought he was a "child" and not a real man... that you didn't understand how I could be married to someone who didn't "provide" - [Never Enough] says' you say *a lot* of things and have a lot of opinions that I highly doubt you have.  She create's a picture of you where you *never* want to be at home, you spend your money on XXXXXX and tech toys you don't need and you don't "allow" her to spend money at all.... she writes a picture where XXXXXX is EXPECTED of her - and frankly..... most of us don't have the greatest view of you based on what [Never Enough] say's.... so again, before you start throwing stones, I would politely suggest you start picking up your own.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  This section talked about a very personal time in their marriage XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

See.... I was a *good*, true friend...... to both of you.  I supported you and your marriage - through and through.  You guys clearly have not done that for me, thanks for making that super clear.  Again.... it's odd to me that you waited to long to write me this email - and why you think you get to make *any* demands on me at all.

Feel free to call [El Capitan] - we just hung up... 

Again... I have *not* blogged this, nor facebooked this.... I'm not sure what [Never ENough] is telling you - but you are free to read those things for yourself.

Good luck to you both...... :)

*************************************************************************************************************

So there you have it....... 

I think that the truth is that Never ENough doesn't ...... I just don't know that there is 'room' in her life for a 'lesbian friend'.  She works pretty hard to have a hard candy Christian exterior... and I don't fit that.

Which is fine... then just tell me that.
I'm fine with that.

Only mere *weeks* before this all went down - I was one of her "closest friends" and getting decks of inspirational cards.... now I'm the person who was always "beating down" her husband and the failure of my marriage was "no surprise"? 

Really?

I'm not fine with a bunch of stupid games and facebook posts and emails to friends where she builds her own cross faster than the Romans to stretch herself across it..... all the while making sure every "Friend" knows "her side" .... oh - and Never ENough ALSO has a blog.......

So.  There you have it.  Now you know.

Never Enough and her husband can say whatever they want..... but this was a lot of stone throwing and finger pointing over...... what ?  I'm not sure.  

Alright then.

So, over the last few months, more than one Blog reader has either posted in the comments section or sent me an email wanting to know more about a) the friend who de-friended me and b) to see the letter that that friend's husband later sent me that I once referenced in The Blog.

I have not tried to "avoid" anything, but..... whereas El Capitan and I 'fell' into this whole mess.... my *friends* never asked to be apart of this whole deal (which is why they all have nicknames), having said that everyone who appears in The Book read parts of The Book and knew they were in it.  They all read The Blog, though usually not 'every day' - but they knew they appear here as well as NO ONE has ever asked me to not write about them using a nickname or otherwise.  (Except for Carhartt who was *fine* with being apart of The Blog, read it every day - and still does - who let me know about a month ago *after* we broke up that she didn't want "Carhartt" to appear on The Blog anymore.  For the most part, I have respected that, though I don't feel that's entirely fair.  Going forward..... I will not post about 'Carhartt' again.)

Point being....if *anyone* - El Capitan, La Novia, Jenny B, Chloe, Janda, Keifer, Keebler, Keller, Mia, Torri, Bella - ever asked me to never write about them on The Blog again - I would totally honor that.  However, that has yet to happen.

So, for the purpose of *this* entry - I'm going to give this "friend" a new name.  They had appeared on The Blog and in The Book since it's inception and for those of you who have been regular readers from the start, you will probably have no trouble figuring out who it is.  Which - is part of the reason I have hesitated going into this on The Blog because our mutual and *local* friends know EXACTLY who this is about.... and so I feel like even though they've both been a bit crappy about things.... I don't have a right to expose a bunch of things about their marriage that our mutual friends might not know.  I hope that makes sense.

So, This Is The Story of The Little Girl Who Never Had Enough.... now know as Never Enough.

Never Enough and I met through a mutual friend we'll call Kay.  Kay and Never Enough were friends and Kay referred me to Never Enough to take pictures of her kids (which I did and she loved, of course).  Kay and Never Enough weren't getting along shortly thereafter and Kay "warned" me that Never Enough was the kind of "friend" who talks about everyone behind their backs.

In my humble opinion we are *ALL* guilty of talking about people - sometimes it's out of amusement or concern - and sometimes we're just being bitchy.... but we all do it - and Kay did it plenty on her own.... so this "warning" fell on deaf ears with me.  Not long after that Never Enough stopped being friends with Kay -and not long after that.... so I did I.

Never Enough had a child of similar age to The Boy and the two of them were fast friends.  We did all kinds of outings and crafts and projects with them.  Our families started hanging out together spending several "New Years" in a row together.  

El Capitan was never wild about spending time with Never Enough's Husband.  He thought he was a bit on the 'strict' side and El Capitan would spent more time playing video games or having water balloon fights with their older child while Never Enough's Husband would joke about what a "kid" El Capitan was, etc.  Joking.... but also in the sense that Never Enough's Husband clearly thought El Capitan was 'immature'.

Our two families lived very different lives ...... hmm.... how to put this without revealing personal information about Never Enough's marriage.... 

Never Enough was a stay at home Mom.  They lived in a big house in a nice neighborhood in one of the best Elementary school area's in Oregon. They drove nice cars, the children wore only designer clothes. Never Enough was constantly going away on 'retreats' or crafting weekends - they frequently went out on date nights and usually to super nice places.

By contrast, El Capitan and I lived in small house in an 'okay' neighborhood with a sh*tty school.  We had one nice car and a 1990s Something given to us by my parents.  The Boy had designer clothes - but only *after* they were out of season and on-sale for $5 or under.  We never went on date nights-and if we did, it was to Red Robin.  I worked 40+ hours a week, as did El Capitan, and usually I worked weekends, so no crafting or retreats for me.

I was *NEVER* jealous of Never Enough.  LOTS of my friends are a great deal wealthier than I am - some of my friends are actual millionaires.... I think that's great for them - but it doesn't make my life any less wonderful or have less value..... 

For Never Enough though..... it was.... NEVER. ENOUGH.

She would complain that her husband wasn't "home enough", didn't do enough "family stuff" on the weekends (and when I pointed out to her that she expects the finances to buy said designer clothes and that means hours worked by said husband... that logic fell on deaf ears.).  She expected to go to Disneyland every. Single. Year - for an entire week.  She wanted cruises and big parties and .... a nice life style.

Who doesn't, right? lololol

I didn't fault her for that... but I did always wonder why she didn't just live in the gratitude and grace that she claimed to know so much about as a "Christian."    Oh yeah.... Never Enough was very religious.
Cool.  Again... that never bothered me.  

A few years after we met, I had started to grow tired of the 'talking about other people' that went on..... she never had a nice thing to say about her husband, the picture she painted was of someone who .... hmmmm.... this is so hard.  what to write without being too personal...... basically she painted a picture of a 1950s husband where the house had to be spic and span, dinner on the talbe by 5:30, carpets cleaned, toys put away - .... "or else" - type thing.

May be..... he didn't really seem that way to me - but people are always different behind closed doors.

In any regard - from where I stood, it looked to me like he loved Never Enough very much.  He worked endless hours to pay for the lifestyle she wanted.... and she hid massive amounts of credit card debt from him.  

Mostly what drove me crazy was her lack of gratitude for what she *DID* have.

A few things came to a head and Never Enough and I stopped being friends...... Never Enough thought this was a *fantastic time* to go and email EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. of our mutual friends to tell them "her side" of what had happened and to explain all her 'mysterious posts' on facebook.  (*This* is part of the reason I'm willing to Blog this, because she's had no trouble dragging my name through the mudd several times over with mutual friends.... and the husband *did* tell me I could post his letter - so I'm assuming on some level this is what she wanted........?)

I, of course, hadn't said anything to anyone so suddenly my inbox was full of forwards from our mutual friends with notes attached saying - What the f*ck?  or.... Huh?  What's going on?

I kept it simple but honest, I was tired of the talking about other people - and the incredibly *jealousy* Never Enough had about other people - so and so went on this trip - Can you BELIEVE IT?  blah blah blah.  I thought Never Enough had said some pretty offensive things to me and I was just tired of the whole game.

Oddly enough..... none of our mutual friends stopped being my friend and they all nodded in agreement for my reasons for not wanting to be friends anymore.

No one was surprised.
No one was shocked.
No one thought that my..... feelings were unjustified.

So I Ieft it at that and moved on.... I didn't post things on facebook....but Never Enough did for months - and again - those mutual friends would send me screen shots of the posts with LOL's attached.  

For someone so "Christian"..... Never Enough's behavior has always left little to be desired, to be blunt.  This observation wasn't made just by me.... 

Never Enough is the kind of friend who is *always* talking about someone.  For instance, she'll talk about Emily - and it's never nice talk.... always negative.  And then suddenly you'll see Never Enough and Emily doing a bunch of stuff together on facebook and now when I talk to her it's nothing but nasty stuff about Mary.  And then later it's Mary and Never Enough checking in for breakfast and lunch and bff's in facebook land and now it'll be Sarah's turn for the nasty comments..... and so on.

Eventually, you're smart enough to know that if *YOU* are not the current new BFF on facebook and hanging out with her all the time.... then *YOU* are probably who Emily, Mary & Sarah are currently hearing the nasty stuff about.....

Follow that? :)

So.... let me give you one example of the kind of thing that would get under my skin a bit:

Never Enough won concert tickets to a teen singers concert - one that *EITHER* of her children would love to have gone to.  However, instead of taking one of the kids to this teen concert, she and the husband went.  I thought this was.... selfish?  Why not take the older kid?  Why go with your husband to a concert geared *totally* for tweens and teens?  But.... they went and then *AFTER* they went - allllllll I heard about for at least a week after was how "disappointing" it was and how "boring" it was..... um yeah - DUH.... it's a concert put on for TWELVE YEAR OLDS..... what else were you expecting?

But see...Never Enough. 

You win free tickets to a concert, you don't take your kid, YOU go because you *LIKE* this artist.... but the concert was just too 'babyish' for you to enjoy...... so you had a "terrible" time... blah blah blah.

That, in a nutshell - is what I disliked the most about Never Enough.

So we stopped being friends for...... twoish years?  Until I was sick in the hospital in May of 2010 - when I was admitted for a week with some insane and unknown infection that had the CDC coming in to test my blood.  I was admitted on Friday and by Sunday El Capitan was posting updates on my facebook page.  Never Enough's husband saw one of these posts (because he and I were still facebook friends) - and he showed it to Never Enough while they were sitting in Church.

She immediately texted me.

I remember, in my drugged, feverish state - seeing the texts and being like.... "really?  NOW?"  lololol

When I got out of the hospital we became "friends" again, but only kind of...... I accepted for friend request on facebook but quickly "hid" her from my feed because it seemed like all she did was whine about life... and I was just out of a hospital and still SUPER sick...I didn't care to read about how "awful" this silly non-event/hiccup in her day was.....  weeks and months would go by and we didn't really hang out or whatever.... El Capitan had NO interest in hanging out as a family and so we really didn't.

Nothing really changed with Never Enough - though they were in an amazing place and Never Enough's Husband was doing great and doing some really awesome things in his spare time - which was no surprise, he's a real go-getter type.  He sets goals and he doesn't just achieve them, he obliterates them and sets the next goal even higher.  I always really respected him, though, I did agree with El Capitan that may be he could "play" a bit more and work a bit less. 

And yet.... in spite of allllllll the many, many exciting trips they were taking and how great their life was..... it was *Still* never enough for Never Enough.

I did pictures for them and I made a slideshow that I set to music - the song was "Beautiful Life" which is by a Christian artist and it goes, in part, like this:

"Outside you will find 
There is love all around you 
Takes you, makes you wanna' say 

That it's a beautiful life 
And it's a beautiful world 
And it's a beautiful time 
To be here, to be here, to be here"


After Never Enough saw the slideshow she called me to say that she liked the pictures.... but she "wasn't sure " about the song because she didn't know if it "fit" her life that well.....

Huh?  What.........?

Again.  Never enough.  Nothing is *EVER* enough for Never Enough..... right there and then I knew that our friendships days were numbered again because honestly.... how can you *NOT* be grateful for your life? 

At this point in time - El Capitan and I were still married and *THIS* was the Christmas that I was buying all the kids toys at GoodWill... we were living on $200 for food a month and *barely* getting by.... I thought my life was pretty freakin' beautiful and I didn't have 1/4 of what they had..... not the money or the house or the cars .... or the free time! lololol  and I was still happy. 

Never Enough, in contrast, got an iPad for Christmas and they had been a cruise blah blah blah and yet all I heard about after the holidays was negative, negative, negative..... I would NEVER begrudge my friends their success's... however, your lack of gratitude and gratefulness for what you have when I have *nothing* and am STILL F*CKING GRATEFUL for the nothing that I *DO* have... well- I'll be honest, that's going to wear me down just a little bit.....

Ok, may be more than a little bit.

I was dumb enough - at the time - to think that *MY* simple, broke, small house life *was* a beautiful life, indeed..... I thought that Never Enough had a pretty beautiful life as well. 
Guess not, according to her.

Fast forward sometime later..... and we're doing 'better' as friends. Meeting for coffee and breakfast and having playdates here and there, but NOW...... alllllll I hear about alllll the time is another set of family friends of theirs who go on FOUR TRIPS A YEAR!?!?!  Can you believe that?  (please act shocked, because I was supposed to be).  How "wasteful" and blah blah blah.... and EVERY TIME they go to Disney they stay in a Disney hotel:  FOR A WEEK!!!! (again, we're all supposed to find this shocking).

ok..... and?  

Well, this would piss Never Enough off.  This family had the means to go to big parties, hold bigger, fancier parties than hers.... they had big money to spend at the school auction and buy their kids the "right clothes" and go on luxury vacations - and *EVEN THOUGH* this women was supposed to be one of Never Enough's "best friends"..... the constant stream of nasty jealous talk about this other woman's life never ended.
Sigh.

When El Capitan left, Never Enough was right there for me.... telling me that Never Enough's Husband never liked El Capitan anyway - and they thought El Capitan had changed the second time we became friends and how he wasn't such a great guy... blah blah blah.

They had me over for dinner and both of them comforted me.  Never Enough's husband was incredibly kind with his time and came over countless days to help me pack and move..... I *really* could not have done it without him.... honestly.  I really couldn't have.  As I said, he works very hard, and does a lot of important stuff on his weekends, so I was very grateful for all the personal time of his own he gave up to help me move.
I still am. 

When The Sign came out, Never Enough and her husband were *right there* to fully support me.  She sent me cards full of nice things about me, Never Enough organised a meal train for me.  (so very nice of her).
Never Enough even gave an interview to a media outlet discussing what a "douche" El Capitan was.

We were getting to a good place as friends and I relied on her for a great deal of support - and I was there for her when some pretty bad things happened in her life as well.  Even still.... i knew that as our social engagements stretched apart and other friends filled her BFF facebook land role.... that I was the friend she was talking nasty about.... it's just kind of a given with her.

So me..... let's talk about me, shall we?

I think we can all see that I'm pretty opinionated.... that I can be a super bitch when I want to be.  I was never a super bitch to Never Enough - or the husband.  And I didn't usually have much to say to her that was negative.... I would listen to Never Enough complain about *Everyone* else in her life - and I would *try* to give constructive, helpful advice.... but what she really wants is for you to just agree with her about how awful things are.   I didn't really do that because I didn't think that most of what she found "awful" was really that bad... or even bad at all.   

I mean..... I'll be honest - you have a nice husband who works hard and provides *very well* for your family who is growing and healthy and smart and active.... you get to be a stay at home Mom in a lovely home..... from where I stand, you have pretty good life.

I have no husband, I live in a spare bedroom and share a bed with two kids - I have no 'financial plan', my little bit of savings is quickly disappearing to cover my health care costs, I work constantly, and I'm going to have to give up homeschooling and staying at home....

Yet.... I'm still pretty freakin' happy.... and Never Enough:  is not.
Sigh.  

I'll be honest... that get's old after a while.

The subject of another 'retreat' came up - and Never Enough invited me.  The Bubbie said I could go and I was kind of looking foward to it because it was my first opportunity to "get away" on my own.

And then one day in March, at a play date I said this:

"I want you to know that I value your faith and that I know how important your faith is to you and your family - and that knowing that - I fully understand if what I have to tell you affects our ability to be friends....... [Never Enough] - I'm a lesbian."

There was an empty pause in the room and Never Enough laughed awkwardly.... and then she asked me the usual questions... which I gave the same answers too.  Eventually, while walking out of the room she said, "This doesn't affect our friendship at all.... don't worry about it."

That's awesome.  But.... the way she said it - as she was leaving a room - not looking me in the eye or giving me a hug... it just.... it didn't seem like she meant it at the time.

When she came back into the room she suggested that may be I shouldn't be going on this next retreat she had invited me on because most of her friends are all 'faith based people' and she was worried I would make them uncomfortable.

Yeah..... ten minutes in:  it's affecting our friendship.
Sigh.

I wasn't offended.... may be a bit hurt.  I'm a talker.... may be she thought I would sit around and talk about going down on girls?  Or discuss the finer points of scissoring?  Of course - at this point I hadn't so much as *kissed* a girl and Never Enough new it.... but, it was her retreat and I was an invited guest and it was her perogative to un-invite me.  
Fair enough.

I *do* want to make this one small observation:  At the previous retreat I had been to, I had no sooner set my bag down in my room when Never Enough shoved her Kindle under my nose and *demanded* I read "the greatest book"..... It was a chapter of 50 Shades of Grey and one where the male character meets a woman who is a virgin and finger bangs her in a very rough manner and bends her over a couch....?  The whole passage Never Enough had chosen for me was ..... gross.  It made my stomach hurt and I fell sick thinking about the way in which this man felt he "owned" this female character are roughly violating her.... and worse - how the female character felt special and 'chosen' because he had done those things to her.

The whole time I was reading and thinking it was disgusting.... Never Enough was hoping up and down like a school girl and saying "Isn't it great......?  It totally 'get me in the mood'"  I told her I thought it was gross and disgusting and that no man should treat a woman like that.... 

So..... I guess as we're talking about male dominant sex at the retreat that's okay........ but don't let the token lesbian come and pervert the place?

Rad.  lololol

I never saw Never Enough after the day I told her I was gay.

I called for playdates:   she was busy.
I called for coffee dates:  she was busy.
I called for movie dates:  she was busy.

About a month earlier Never Enough had called me to tell this horrible story about her friends and her friends relative whom Never Enough had asked to watch her kids while she rented a super fancy hotel in Portland for a special occasion with her husband.  She was *shocked* and totally pissed and the friend and the relative wanted $100 a day to do it..... I mean - Never Enough was *pissed*..... so I offered to do it.  I figured it would be like a mini vacation for me and the kids and I wouldn't ask her to pay me anything - it was the *least* I could do after they had done so much for me when I was moving and everything.

Well.... after all plans were in place..... I got a call a week before the intended hotel stay - and *AFTER* I had come out - to tell me that my "services" were no longer needed that Never Enough's Husband was upset when he found out how much the hotel room cost and he demanded she cancel the whole thing.

Umm.... I highly doubt that... but I suppose it's possible.

Truth be told, I would only ever hear from Never Enough if I had written about something on The Blog - about El Capitan or someone I was dating or whatever - and she would text me for the details that weren't on The Blog... which I would share.  Later... a mutual friend would point out that that was because Never Enough needed the details to talk to *her* friends about me..... yeah - probably. lolol

After I came out - most of my other friendships stayed mostly the same..... but I rarely heard from Never Enough. I started to wonder if she was more than busy - if she just didn't want to see me.  

Around this time things were heating up between Never Enough and the family friend who "took too many trips every year" and in the end..... Never Enough sent the friend a kiss off letter and unfriended her on facebook.... which - is kind of what Never Enough does..... 

But.  That family had much closer ties to Never Enough's family.... nothing had really happened between them - but the other lady had made better friends with other people and Never Enough was pissed about it.  Plain and simple.... but I never thought she would de-friend the woman.

When that happened.... I started to think my own friendship days with Never Enough were numbered.... texts got shorter and shorter..... messages on facebook got shorter..... and I kind of felt like I was 'walking the plank'.  

I hadn't made 'better friends' with anyone else..... I still wanted to be Never Enough's friend - our *kids* were friends and I kind of think that everyone comes with a sack of rocks - or sh*t they do that you don't like..... you either accept that and be their friend.... or you don't.  I had long decided that while I found Never Enough's - never enough attitude' and the friendship merry-go-round of gossip a bit much at times..... her ability to encourage people and be strong and love.... was just as important.  

For instance, the deck of 'inspirational' cards in the picture - was a gift from Never Enough who wrote,  "You are all these things"..... on the card.  She was always sending me little notes or meme's about courage and staying strong.  Well... *before* I was gay..... AFTER I was gay.... the cards and the notes and the meme's dried up totally......

Sooo..... I couldn't help but wonder, other than me..... what had changed?

Part Two tomorrow.