Belinda said:
No one cares that you are gay. It's not so shocking anymore and not news these days. But it did likely effect your relationship in ways that you won't discuss. Also, if I recall, your ex wrote you a letter and challenged you to post it in its entirety. You have not. It is hypocritical to devote your life and blog to attacking this guy publicly because he dumped you and refuse post a response. You lost credibility then.

****************************************************************

Alright..... let's get a few things cleared up.

ONE:  I *NEVER* said El Capitan wrote a letter that I refused to post.  El Capitan has NEVER written a letter to me, or about me - EVER.  (At least not that I have seen).  If there was such a letter from El Capitan, from La Novia, from a bonafide friend of theirs:  I would post it in it's entirety for sure.

Also - please keep in mind that El Capitan has been asked by:  the Dr. Phil Show, Anderson Cooper, The View, The Discovery Channel, The Jeff Probst Show - to APPEAR or be interviewed by them to give "his side" - and he has DECLINED every single time.

Actually.... have I not mentioned this before......?  EL CAPITAN had to sign *WAIVERS* for every single one of my television appearances - that our kids photos would be used, that I would be talking about him, our marriage, etc - and he agreed to my appearances.

In the Jeff Probst one, we allowed them to film profiles of the kids, but it wasn't until after we went to Disneyland that we agreed for them to appear on the Discovery Channel 'Karma is a Bitch'. 

Also, El Capitan is *fine* with the Blog and The Book..... so.... in an effort to be *as transparent* as possible - that's been done.... AND - I still have mutual friends with El Capitan - not to mention the fact that MY FRIENDS would not put up with me "lying" on The Blog.... not ever.  Jenny B and Chloe and J - those are some strong chicks.... they would most certainly call me out on bullsh*t if I was writing it.  
Believe that.

Also - Miss Belinda:  YOU are from Australia.  The website has an IP address tracker (all websites have IP trackers) and I can see that you live in Australia.  While Australia recognizes Domestic Partnership and provides "de facto" rights to taxes, etc that same-sex couples have..... the Australian government still defines "marriage" as 'one man and one woman'.

Just today, in New Zealand where marriage equality exists, the first Australian couple crossed the border to get married there - http://www.australianmarriageequality.com/wp/2013/08/20/aussie-gay-couple-wed-in-new-zealand/.

That seem likes kind of a big deal to me..... you know - the whole having to take a plane and enter a different country to get legally married.....  lolol

 Having said that, Oz gives immediate parental rights to lesbian partners whose same sex partner gives birth to a "mutually conceived child through IVF or insemination" at the moment of birth.  In *America* - two lesbians commit to having a baby, purchase sperm, get inseminated and ONLY THE WOMAN WHO CARRIES THE CHILD has parental rights, the other female partner must go through the *ENTIRE* process of a legal adoption to have any rights to the child.

I currently *live* in a state that does NOT recognize same-sex marriage.  In fact, nearly ten years ago they voted AS A STATE that marriage was *ONLY* between ONE MAN and ONE WOMAN.
Sigh. lol

FACT:  as of August 2013, ONLY THIRTEEN STATES of this great United States recognize same-sex marriage as equal and provide equal rights to same-sex marriages.

ALSO.... while *you* in Australia were providing equality in 1997 through recognized Domestic Partnership - being GAY was such a stigma in America that in October of 1998 that two men dragged Matthew Shepard out to a field, assaulted him, beat him, tied him to a post and let him die out there.  FOR BEING GAY.  :(  

So, when you say that "no one cares" about my "being gay"- I beg to differ on that point.  May be you don't give a sh*t..... but PLENTY of people in my country do - and it looks like your government does too.
Sigh.

I wish my country was as progressive in equality regarding the LGBTQ community.

When I was married to my first husband, he was from Australia.  His whole family lived in London (they had all moved over) and The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of The Desert came out.  (For those who don't know - it's a FANTASTIC film about two drag queens and a transwoman which featured Guy Pearce.  All of the women in the house were crazy for Guy Pearce and so we all went to see the film.

This was my *first* "exposure" to drag queens or trans persons - and it was hilariously eye opening and after the movie I remember commenting on how it was such an "odd" movie to make.... as in - how many people would actually *pay* to see such a movie (not too many people from my small town high school, I figured lol).  And they were all laughing at me and saying how America was so "prude" and "backwards" and how Gay Pride in Sydney is this MASSIVE event - a huge celebration.

My world was slightly Aussie heavy back then - Neighbors, Home & Away (wait.... Irene and Alf are STILL on the show????  holy crap.... that's rad), Shortland Street (from New Zealand) and Blue Heelers......  all great shows that I missed when I moved away. 

But it remains that Australian same-sex couples cannot be married.

And.... Hail Mary and I would have to move to Washington or California (on the West Coast) if we want to be legally married.  In 14 months, if enough signatures are collected, there will hopefully be a measure on the Oregon ballot to "legalize" gay marriage.... but there's no guarantee it'll pass.

After all, Oregon already voted on this in 2004 with Measure 36 which define marriage as ONE MAN/ONE WOMAN ONLY.  It passed with 54% of the vote statewide.  The measure banned same-sex marriage in the state of Oregon.

Which is too bad...... because my "straight" marriage was recognized as fully legal..... inspite of it's issue's and the cheating  - it's still MORE of a marriage in Oregon than any relationship I could currently have with Hail Mary.

Hail Mary who adores the kids.
Hail Mary who brushes their teeth and helps get them ready for bed.
Hail Mary who is teaching The Boy to ride a bike.
Hail Mary who spends over an hour freezing in the ocean "jumping" waves with them.
Hail Mary who..... would literally do anything for us.

Hail Mary who...... has become an instant friend and trusted adult in their lives.... and who means ... well - just about everything to me..... in the state of Oregon- she doesn't count.

WE don't count.
We can't be a "legal" family.

So.... yeah - that's kind of a big deal.

Alright then, that aside...... I included the document above because there's no reason for me to try and "hide" anything from anyone.... this is a *small* town and we still have a lot of mutual friends.  If I was posting a bunch of stuff that wasn't true.... I'd be getting my ass ripped on facebook and other outlets - where some blog readers are friends with me.  They seen *countless* people comment about El Capitan - and no one has ever said anything against whatever I've posted.

Additionally, there are/were countless media outlets who were chomping at the bit to get El Capitan to "talk" - but I've asked him over and over.... and he doesn't really feel like he has much to say.  He did something he shouldn't have.... that doesn't mean he shouldn't have left me or ended our marriage - but he shouldn't have just cheated while we were married - while I had *no* clue -and then left....... 

And - I *have not* devoted my life to "attacking" anyone.... f*cks sake... lololol
It's true that in the beginning there were a lot of mistakes made - by El Capitan and myself - and they are here for people to read about them..... but there was also a lot of learning and growth and healing that took place as well.  I think that has value.... may be it doesn't.  But, there are more than a few people who feel that it has, so that's enough for me......

Attacking El Capitan..... that's interesting.  

I asked El Capitan if he feels "attacked" - but he said no... he doesn't read The Blog, but he knows (generally) what I write... and I'm entitled to my opinion.
Fair enough.

My friends would tell you that there is a lot of things (negative) that have happened that I haven't shared on the blog..... but I do feel that there is a line and some amount of privacy should exist.

BTW.... you know....it's a free country:  El Capitan could start a blog of his own. :)

I have been *very* open and honest about the journey - from the ugly and the bad - the better and the amicable and the good..... I have been plainly honest that El Capitan has *never* missed a child support payment and while he and I are both a bit "relaxed" about the timing of said payments, he is not in "arrears" of any kind - which *a lot* of single Moms don't get that lucky.

I am grateful for all the efforts he makes to ensure that happens - while it might be a legal obligation - he could be a jackass about it if he wanted to.... but he chooses not to do that.  I consider that a kindness on his part.

Truth be told, of alllll the people who have 'appeared' on The Blog, there is only one is who "unhappy" - and that is Carhartt who, after we broke up, took serious issue with a post where I noted that Hail Mary get a long well with the children whereas Carhartt did not.  She felt I was "being mean" and "using" her for "entertainment" (just in that ONE post, mind you) and she felt I was making a comparison to "hurt" her.... which I wasn't - I was just blogging and noting something that's relevant to our lives.... that's all.  Nothing more, nothing less...... 

In regards to the *letter* that was sent to me - that was by an ex-friends husband.
I have long debated with myself whether or not I should post it..... but I suppose in an effort to be honest, I should.  So, in the coming days I will try to explain the circumstances around the letter being sent and I will post the letter as well - in it's entirety - as per the request of the sender.

So let's start off by stating that I am in * no way* related to, affiliated with or whatever... with the Royal Family.
Like... duh. lolol

However, this photo (the one to the left) made the rounds on facebook today with more that one person on FB commenting on the images 'craptasticness'..... and you know - let's face it:  it's a little craptastic.

When I first saw it I was.... I have to admit - I was a little bit annoyed.... I mean - if this was the first "professional" image they were releasing I was disappointed because there are certainly waaaaaaay better photogs in the UK.  

However, after reading the article attached, it turns out that HRH Kate had her own Daddy take the picture in their back garden.  
How sweet.

Hmm.... how sweet.....
How *normal*.

I should think that Diana is very proud of her boy right now.... even in her absence, he continues to live a normal life, working as 'normal' a job as he could have, shopping at the local Tesco, and using everyday pictures to release to the world wide press of his new born son..... He could have hired a fancy-pants - and expensive - photographer to come in and do that first "formal picture".... but they didn't. 

Instead.... they did was MILLIONS of people do - and they had a nice, normal picture taken of them:  for free.

Now..... let's be clear- the lighting on this image is a bit overexposed/underexposed, and the posing is a bit off balance, but it's still a very nice picture.  Plus, it say's to me:  we're normal, we're proud, this is our baby.
Which is *exactly* what 'first photos' for any family should say.

It's funny to me that here is a woman with endless financial means and whatnot, and yet she didn't Pinterest the sh*t out of this.... there are no gimmicky props or forced and fake poses.... just a nice portrait of a sweet family on a hot summer day.   

God..... does this mean I can possibly look forward to a future session of my own where the Mom didn't scour Pinterest for the latest and greatest gimmicks and gimmicky poses to lay at my feet for consideration?
That would be nice..... lololol

It's funny to me - because my story and this Blog are bereft of any fancy-pants qualities.... other than a general (albeit not great) improvement in my spelling and grammar.... I'm just trying to be as open and honest and forthcoming about things as possible.... and even without the advertising and the badges and the whatever people put on blogs to bring in an audience...... mine continues to grow.

I don't think it's *me* perse.... but I *do* think it's my honesty.

In a world where we only post our fabulous 'A Reel" of life to facebook and instagram - I think we all crave a little bit of honesty..... guess what: my marriage fell apart, my life went to sh*t.... and it f*cking sucked.... you can't get more honest than that.

I'm not alone.  I'm not the heaviest woman, skinniest woman, nicest, bitchiest... whateverest woman- whose husband left her.... thousands of us - men and women - get cheated on.

We all know pain... the kind of pain that drags us down to the bottom of where we think we can't climb out.... but no ones' really sharing that on their 'status update' while they are checking in for breakfast at IHOP.  hhmm..... waffles....... 

I have had many people - even some of my close friends - question why I am willing to share so much - especially when they know I never had intentions to be any kind of blogger or writer who would share so much detail..... and the truth is - I don't know.  I didn't plan this.... but at the same time - I'm not ashamed of any of it.

I'm not ashamed that I got cheated on and my marriage fell apart.
I'm not ashamed of the hurt and the anger and the pain.
I'm not ashamed of how I dealt with it.

I'm not ashamed I'm gay.

So - why not share it..... why not share what is *normal*?
What's the use in hiding any of it?

I think that the new Royal family is getting it right.... *doing* it right - and just being as normal as they can be... and more power to them.  

True.... not everyone is willing, or wants, to be as open as I am about the crap that goes down in their life, and I totally understand that... but - at the same time - does pretending that *everything* is "perfect" - does that help anyone?  Doesn't that put pressure on ourselves and our friends around us to live to a standard that is kind of unrealistic.......?

So..... 

Keep Calm
and 
Carry On Normal

Mind you.... the photographer in me couldn't help but *try* to make this photo just a bit better....working with the blown-out highlights and finishing it in a popular "haze" affect that will help "heal" some of the grain from being so underexposed.... it's not too shabby. :)

When El Capitan left, I was pretty public about it on facebook.  I wasn't nasty.... not usually... okay - may be sometimes I expressed my dissapointed and illustrated said feelings with current examples of douchbaggery... but, overall, I tried to keep it simple.

Point being:  anyone in my life or on my facebook wall could see what was happening.

The result was a crazy amount of support that came from surprising places - friends of friends who saw my posts after their friends commented on it - old clients, new clients or old friends from past walks in life.  

One such friend was Keifer.

I had gone to school with Keifer from K-6th grade when my family moved away to another state.  Years later we would reconnect on facebook through other friends and Keifer was never afraid to tell me his opinion... like when we decided to homeschool The Boy, I was pretty open about the decision making process on facebook.

One night Keifer messaged me and told me not to homeschool The Boy, and we had a intense debate about it - what it really came down to for me were my fears about current bullying that was taking place in Kindergarten and what future bullying he would face.  Keifer made all the usual points - that we face bullies in all aspects of our lives, we learn how to deal with different people, etc.... .but when I *still* wasn't swayed and I mentioned the bullying *we* experienced he said ..... "Yeah - and I was incredibly lucky that this cute girl with dark hair and blue eyes who look like Snow White was there to help defend me against those bullies..... how different would my experience have been if you weren't there for me?"

Good point..... but it still didn't work. lololol

As time went on, Keifer was *very* supportive when El Capitan left, messaging me and texting me all the time with jokes to make me laugh or asking me how I was... I thought that was very sweet of him.  And... when I came out of 37 year closet, Keifer was there to help dust off my cobwebs by sending me as *many* dirty lesbian jokes as he could find. lololol

He was most certainly in my corner 110% and even when other mutual friends would bring it up to him and ask... "how does someone "turn" gay" - Keifer was there patiently explaining that no one "turns" gay - and was more than willing to spend his time discussing my feelings and experiences and explaining things to people - defending me.... of sorts. 

As I said....I have awesome friends, huh?
Yup.... I know it and I'm grateful.

Anyhow.... our twenty year reunion was held recently and Keifer found me the topic of a few discussion and so he called me at the end of the weekend.  It was cool to hear stories about other people in our class, where they ended up in life, how many kids they have, etc.  He was *especially* giddy to tell me about one of the guys from our class whose wife also left him and "bats for the other team now". hahahaha
See.... I'm most certainly not the only one.

Which brought up the discussion of how being "gay" wasn't as "okay" as it now.... Keifer stopped and there was a pause, then he said, "Have I ever told you *why* I'm so supportive of you, as a lesbian and all?"

"Ummm.... nope, I don't think so," I replied.

And so Keifer explained:

In middle school a boy had come to school- after I had moved away - and he was obviously gay.  So obvious that he was the kind of kid who got relentlessly picked on for being "different".... which Keifer admitted that they all knew he wasn't *just* different:  he was gay.

Keifer said that he had never *really* picked on the kid...but he was there to laugh in the hall or in the classroom when other people did pick on him or bullied him.  He said that in all those instances he was just as bad as the kids actually saying things - because he never stood up for the kid.

Then he said, in his "defense" - socially he wasn't taught anything else.  Being gay was "weird" and "bad" and "gross" - at least in middle school terms.... we didn't have the awareness for differences back then and we certainly didn't have any understanding or tolerance.

He said that towards the end of 8th grade, out of ignorance and in-line with social acceptance he would make comments to this boy in the locker room like.... "Dude - don't stare at me". - but in the manner that the boy would be doing it in a sexual manner, not because he actually saw him doing it.  

Shortly after high school started, that boy stopped coming to school and everyone was saying that the kid had killed himself.  

Keifer said, "The second someone told me that this guy had killed himself - I knew, in my gut, that I was one of the reasons he would have done that.  All that teasing I never stopped.  All the jokes I laughed at.  All the rude comments in the locker room... all the times I never stood up for him.  I was guilty for causing part of his pain."

Keifer said that that fact put him into his own small depression/funk because he felt like sh*t:  he felt horrible.  After that he realized that being gay was nothing to kill yourself over and that someone else being gay really didn't affect him, should upset him, shouldn't be something he found "weird" or wrong" and his opinions on gay people changed forever.

He never laughed at someone else's inappropriate joke again.
It changed him for the better, though he never stopped thinking about the boy and what had happened and what he felt *his* role in that boys 'suicide' was.  

Then a few years after high school he standing in a Dairy Queen and lo-and-behold.... THAT GUY was there as well.  Alive and well. Still *Very* gay.... but standing there in the flesh: not dead.

Keifer was shocked and excited - and he noted his excited shocked the guy who explained his parents had to pull him out because of the bullying and everything. 

Keifer spent the rest of his school years and adult life being very pro LGBTQ - so much so that in his kids elementary school there was a transgender boy (this is a little girl who identifies as a "male" and dresses and acts as such) and that Keifers son was literally best friends with this child - having him over for sleep overs and going camping and all the normal stuff boys do with their friends and that this child had the *full* support as a "male" in Keifers family.

What a gift.
What a gift for that transgender child and their family.

One day, our society as a whole will stop bullying each other.... we will learn to value each other not at colors or genders, but as humans - because we should all learn the lesson that Keifer learned as a Freshman in high school:  no human should suffer so much socially that they take their own life.

At the same time, it's amazing to see *how much* change has taken place:
When Keifer was in school kids bullied the boy they thought was gay.
Keifers kid, however, is best friends with a transboy.  
That's the new normal: tolerance and acceptance.

Amazing..... truly amazing.

I was going to write a different post, which I will save for Monday now.
Then I came across this video on facebook - which I watched, and I was saddened and surprised to see it only has 35K views.
Sigh.

It's so true that life changes in a millisecond.
It's NOT. THE. SAME.  
It's not........ but the second that first text message came from La Novia, a cold sweat came over me: I knew in that instant that our lives were changed forever.

That was easy though..... that was the end of a marriage and the subsequent demise of a family.
Which is bad, but I've said a hundred times or more:  no one died.

This video is about several 'seconds' where lives are lost, marred, and changed forever in ways that are far worse that your husband hooking up with a cute co-ed.  It happens in a second.

I'm totally guilty of texting and driving.
How many "seconds" have I been lucky enough to escape or avoid?
How many "seconds" have passed where our car stopped in time?
I don't know..... I think that's the thing- you *DON'T* know until you do.... until those seconds catch up with you and your life changes.

So today I'm sharing this video and hoping to see the numbers go up by the end of the weekend.
These are important stories.
Stories worth watching every second of.

I lived through those 'seconds' and the months of anger and betrayal and eventual healing that followed..... but by comparison those 'seconds' are *nothing* compared to the 'seconds' of the families in the video.
Not only do I not want my kids to be harmed by someone else's texting and driving.... I don't want to be the reason they get harmed or the reason I harm someone else.

There are countless 'anti-texting and driving' apps..... my phone now has two.
Have a safe weekend.

Let me start off this blog by saying that I'm ever so slightly concerned that some Russian websites have started "referring" my site.  Let me explain.

There are several tools for keeping tabs on numbers of readers, how long they are here for each time the come, if they are new or old and the country they are from.... right down to an IP address in all cases as well.

I get lots of readers in American, Canada, the UK, Australia and Brazil and then a smattering of countries in the EU.  Only.... within the last month or so, I've started seeing a lot of 'referral searches' from two Russian sites based *IN* Russia.

That's a bit worrying for an openly gay blogger when Russia's government is *not* LGBTQ friendly.....
Sigh.

Good times.... good times.

That aside.... it's been a *busy* week.  We are preparing to make some pretty major changes around here, not the least of which is that the kids and I are moving out.... and I'm registering for a night school starting in November..... I *WILL* still photograph families, babies, kids and seniors through the fall and likely into next summer.... I just need to have a *concrete* job skill that I can present to an employer because you would *think* being super good at making people look pretty or making funny signs would get me hired.... it kind of doesn't. lololol

The biggest change is our moving.  This. is. HUGE.

Don't get me wrong.... it's been *great* to live with family.  In the beginning it was a great way for me to have the emotional freedom to 'check out' - be silent, be angry.... cry if I needed to.  And, there was another loving adult to help attend to the children if need be. 

It gave me time and space to process and deal and heal.
Which... was paramountly important because it also gave the kids the time and space to do the same things.  I'm entirely sure that that there is NO WAY we would be where we are emotionally if I had been juggling a job and the kids and our own places right away.  

Over time.... the healing turned to new beingings and I started going out to make a new life for us.  Regardless of whether or no I wanted to date men or women:  I had to get out there and make new friends - *single* friends.... so that I could start dating again.

In my case... I hit up every lesbro bar in town and every gay party that Portland throws (that's dozens a month for those who want to know..... Portland quite literally has some kind of 'gay something' every night of the week..... it *THE BEST TOWN* to be gay in.) and I started making friends..... and I started going out.
Which is odd for me.

Even in my younger days, I was not the kind of person who went out every night.
As a Mom - I hardly *EVER* went out.... and if I did, I tried to be home by 10pm so El Capitan and I could catch up on the various TV Shows we watched.

So, becoming a staple at the local gay bar on Tuesday Ladies Night till well after midnight.... well:  that's kind of new for me.  I don't usually leave the house until after the kids are in bed - but .... I *do* tend to sleep in... lololol and that leave those other WONDERFUL adults - like The Bubbie - picking up my slack and watching after the kids.

To some degree it *needed* to happen - I had to create a whole new life for myself.
A lesbian life.

Also.... after *everything* I've been through... a little dancing was well in order, dammit. lololol

Lately though.... as much as I *LOVE* going out - as much as I *ADORE* being a part of such an AMAZING LGBTQ community...... I've been missing that whole 'family' thing that I once loved so much.  Missing the family dinners and weekend outings and whatnot......

Since Hail Mary showed up.... things have been changing.  She loves the kids- loves spending time with them... with *us*:  so that's what we do.  Going on outings and riding bikes and going to the park...and it feels really good.
Really. Good.

So tonight I needed to pain the kids new room and Hail Mary was helping.... I was a bit nervous because this is the first 'project' we've done together and I wasn't sure how we would work together.... would we fight?  Would it be miserable and end up just being me doing all the work......?
Because that's how it used to be, to be frank.

There's a reason I can assemble *anything* from Ikea in 15 minutes or less: Ten years of practice!

But there we were in our paint clothes .... painting the kids room:  together.
And it was fantastic.... though I started taking over and doing too much and Hail Mary had to use her stern voice with me to tell me that we were not making the 'best use of our time' and that I should go back to doing the edging around the trim and leave her to doing the main wall area.... me doing both was inefficient.
She's right.... it was.

Later, she actually apologized for getting "snarky" over the 'time management issue' ... which had me laughing because she was right, the first place, and she was a bit grumpy may be.... but not snarky - oh... and we *started* this painting project at 9PM, so one is entitled to get grumpy for sure.
But I thought it was so sweet she was worried that she used a snarky tone with me.....

Overall.... things are getting kind of serious with Hail Mary..... may be more than kind of..... and lately I've been spending a lot of time trying to sift through the myriad of my thoughts and emotions to try to get to the nuts and bolts of how I feel about everything.... easier said that done.

When I was in my twenties, The Bubbie used to say.... "So-and-So should try to stay together - because they won't ever find a love like that again....."

And I would roll my eyes in utter annoyance becuase I was *pretty sure* that people find love in the 30s and 40s and at the very least... Hollywood was *full* of such love stories.... so what the HELL was Bubbie talking about.......?

Now, however.... I get it.
The Bubbie was right.

When I was in my 20s I was foot loose and fancy free.... I answered only to myself and I didn't yet have to think about things like taxes and retirement and mortgage payments and whatnot.... I could fall in love and chase after a start while shooting at the moon while riding rough-shot in Cupid car..... which very little abandon.

I wasn't thinking about my future so much as I was thinking about "living in the now!" and falling in love.... and literally *FALLING*. Head-Over-Mother-F*cking-Heels.... in love.  

The kind of love that could well leave you flat on your ass - but you don't care... because you're young and thin and pretty and you have *time* to find another love......
And you do it over and over and over.......

In my 30s, as a single Mom.... sh*t leaves me on my ass all the time... but love takes a back seat to most of those other things.  I have strong feelings for someone- but they are weighted down.... *tied* down by responsibility, being a Mom, financial concerns...... and so when my heart starts to take flight and I get that giddy feeling..... it's immediately met three-fold by worries about public school and where we're going to move.... and how I'm going to pay my bills... and *is* going to night school the right choice......?

Oh.... and then amongst that is how hot and amazing and freaking *AWESOME* Hail Mary is.... and then suddenly I'm thinking about what I'm going to do for childcare if we move away from Bubbie.... how am I going to make everything work......?

So you see.... The Bubbie was right..... You never really do love the same again.... however, since the mad, passionate love I had for El Capitan sputtered and died..... may be finding a different kind of connection, a more thoughtful love in my 30s will actually be the kind of love and relationship that will last forever..... or it won't. 

So I stopped trying to compare or over think things and just take every day - every moment... every *experience* that I have with Hail Mary and truly enjoy them.... tonight I was almost (secretly) brought to tears when we were painting the kids rooms - because *this* the 'stepping in the pain can'/paint in our hair/paint on our hands/laughing/working together to make something for the kids.... THIS is the memory I wanted to have with El Capitan .... and never did.  I put together Cribs.... on my own.  I built bikes and Coupe Cars and loft beds and painted and whatever..... by myself for ten years.

Tonight I had a partner.... tonight I had an equal who helped me.
Tonight I had a partner .... who laughed with me.
Tonight... for the first time ever:  I wasn't alone doing this kind of thing.
And it was amazing..... and isn't that was love is:  amazing?

We'll see..... we'll see.......

This is going to be hard to write.... and I think, hard for people to understand... but here goes.

Since coming out I've gotten lots of email.... some good... some, not so kind.... and a few from men and women who have read what I've written about growing up gay in a straight kids world, and they find themselves relating to what I wrote far too well.

They - like me - never set out to "trick" or harm anyone.  
They - like me - believed that they were supposed to grow up, get married, have kids, etc....
They - like me - believed that doing anything *other* than marrying someone of the opposite sex wasn't acceptable... that it wasn't something their friends and family could support.

*THAT* is why I am constantly writing about how important.... no - *IMPERAF*CKINGTIVE*  - it is for all children to be exposed to positive examples of same sex couples.  I'm not saying you have to talk about it or even endorse it..... but just seeing a pictures of a *happy* family that is two Moms or two Dads - THAT would have told me so much more about who I was as a child......and growing up, I might not have felt so....damaged.

That's the thing.  

Among teens, those who identify as gay are FIVE TIMES MORE LIKELY to commit suicide than their 'straight' peers.  FIVE F*CKING TIMES.

As it is, the majority of teen suicide is LGBTQ based.... kids who get bullied, can't accept who they are - because their *parents* won't accept them..... or may be they just believe that their parents would rather have a DEAD kid than a gay one...... 
Yup.... that's honestly what it comes down to.

How do I know that?
How can I write such harsh words so pointedly.....?
Because *I* felt that way.... duh.

I *never* for ONE SINGLE DAY, thought that being a lesbian was an option.  I didn't want to lose my friends or my family or..... my *Church* - because once upon a time I was actually *engaged* to a guy who was in school for ministry and as Janda could tell you:  no one can out-thump a Bible like me.... believe that.

I prayed and prayed and prayed to be normal.....
to not be broken.....
to be the same.....
to *feel* the same......
But I never did.  Nothing ever changed.

I would date boys and fall in love and try sooooooo hard to be like everyone else.  It never came from a place is dishonesty or tricking or lying..... it came from a place of wanting to be like everyone else - wanting to be happy and make the people in my life happy...... or wanting to be 'normal'.

Recently, I've been exchanging emails with someone who knows, all to well, how I have felt and....how I feel now.  They are married with kids and also very connected to their community and their faith.  

They are also gay.

Like me, (we are a similar age) - they grew up in a conservative home and only wanted what everyone else on the planets wants: love and to be accepted.  So, like me, they grew up, married someone of the opposite sex, had kids and started down the road that Hollywood and society *promises* us all will bring us a lifetime of happiness and blooper reels and the kind of love that will keep us holding wrinkled hands on a porch swing watching our grand kids play.

For me, this was always enough.  I never wanted anything else when I was married.
That's a TRUE STORY.

Now, let's be fair and I will admit that due to *VARIOUS* factors in my marriage, one of which is *most certainly* my sexual orientation.... I was less and less inclined to *want* to have sex with El Capitan:  but that doesn't mean I stopped doing it.  Having said that.... a less than enthusiastic partner is hardly an aphrodisiac - right? lolol  

I've said it before, but it's worth mentioning again:  among several of my peers, *not* having a super active sex life 6,7,8,9 years into a marriage *wasn't* an uncommon theme and most of these people were NOT gay.... so - you know... that sh*t can go downhill for a lot of reasons... lololol

So, for me, I never had.... 'temptation.'  Mind you, I also didn't go out into the LGBTQ community.  I didn't seek the social company of lesbians.  I shot an LBTQ wedding once, during my marriage, and there was a woman there who.... to put it nicely:  had every nerve I never even knew I *had*:  standing on edge.
Being around her was .... quite honestly:  electric.
So I got the f*ck out of there as soon as I as done with my job and went home to my husband and my child.
Period.

I didn't even *for one single second* believe that I wanted anything other than being apart of my wonderful, amazing little family that I loved.... 

But not everyone who walks in my shoes feels this way.

The person I've been emailing has met someone of the same sex who they have.... fallen in love with.
And it's heartbreaking.

I see all sides of this *very* clearly.

I know their pain.
I know what their spouses pain will be when they find out.
... though, their relationship has been rocky for a while, it doesn't matter:  this will hit them like a ton of bricks.
If they are *honest* about their feelings.... this will destroy their marriage.
.... tear apart their family.
.... make them the 'enemy' for a lot of friends and family.  

Worst of it all:  it will put a swift and untimely end to their children's sense of safety and security.
I think this is, above all else: the worst outcome possible.
Which is why I never left... never 'explored' some thoughts and feelings I had. For me, the idea of taking apart my children'ts family was *NOT* an option.  It just wasn't.

So, I have been honest with this person.... honest about how *AMAZING* it is to be out and living as the person I believe I was born to be...... 

.... I've never felt so comfortable in my own skin.
.... I've never felt more *proud* of who I am.
..... I've never had such fulfilling relationships.
.... oh... and yeah:  I've kind of never had better sex.  
That's for *damn* sure. lololol

However, this has *ALL* come at a huge cost for The Boy and The Girl who have paid the price for a marriage that went horribly wrong.... (NOT ALLLLL BECAUSE I WAS GAY - ONLY IN PART, dammit.lolol) - Not ONE of the reasons above are worth more to me, *mean* more to me, than my children's sense of safety and self and well-being.... and those are things that divorce attacks very quickly.

My "happiness" was never worth it... sure, that's partly due to the fact that while I *knew* something was missing, I never *ever* identified was that was..... and so I thought it was something I could live very happily with out....  this person knows better.

This person has feelings and emotions and certain actions have taken place that have put this persons heart and mind in a tail spin..... and all I can do it try to help them "right their plane" and stay in the air.  

From the get go... .my advice has been two fold:  get a counselor and DO NOT DO THIS.

Do not leave your spouse.
Do not break up your family.
Do not destroy everything you know and love and have....  

It will be a looooong time before your "happiness" will tip the scales of all the loss.
It will be hard- *almost impossible* to start over financially their age.
They have no means to gain employment that would support a single parent.
It will be *harder* to find people to day within the LGBTQ community when you do have kids.  
That's a fact.

My opinion isn't a popular one..... again, it doesn't come from any kind of 'shame'... NOT AT ALL.  But once you're a Mom or a Dad..... your kids *should* come first.  That's just how I feel.

At least once a week I will tell Hail Mary that if I could go back in time and stop it all.... stop it from happening, that I would. I would stay married, so my family could stay together.  So I could continue to mother my children how I wanted to.... so we wouldn't all have to give up so much (due to the finances of a being a single Mom).

And she understands.  She realizes that that doesn't negate my feelings for her.... not at all.  She can see that I have two minds:  my Mommmy mind and my Independent mind.  She also knows that my 'Mommy mind' will always make most of my decisions.... but she also, very gently, reminds me that our marriage broke for a lot of reasons and that in spite of that breaking:  the kids are okay.

They are happy.
They are adjusting to everything.
They are accepting.
They are open and kind and still giggly and fun and .... somewhat innocent.  

I hold onto that.

So, while my advice remains the same:  DO NOT DO THIS. 
I can understand why someone would.
I can understand why they would not.

I just with *other people* understood how *un-simple* these situations are.... that no one is setting out to lie or hurt or trick anyone...  
Sigh.

There are some heavy conversations heading towards this person and my heart breaks for them because either way because if they fight to stay.... they will be miserable.  However... if they are honest and their family breaks up:  they will know another kind of misery.
It's a lose/lose situation.

My final piece of advice was this:  don't lie. If your spouses asks you if you are gay and you believe that you are... you *have* to tell the truth.  It's one thing to lie to yourself (which inadvertently hurts other people) and it's another thing to *lie* to your spouse..... so if they ask and your heart of hearts screams YES:  then just say it.

Say it with love.
Say it with compassion.
Say it with patience and understanding that you will pay a heavy, heavy price for who you are.
It's not fair... but that's the way it is.


Being gay isn't easy.... being *out* and visible can be *less* easy..... 

For me though, I am where I am and I can't change it, no matter how much I might have wanted to..... I can't go back and now that I have found someone who is amazing and makes me feel whole and loved and *happy*..... well, how can I put this.......?

May be Hail Mary is forever.... may be she's not.  
I think to some degree my 'forever button' is a little bit broken.....

BUT, what was missing in my life prior to the end of things was ...happiness, fun, adventure, passion..... and now that *WE* have those things with Hail Mary..... I'm not sure I would go back.  Which scares the living sh*t out of me.... because what if she trades me for a younger version later in life? 

What if she goes away......?
But.... you cannot live in 'what if'..... you have to live in what is.

What is being gay after been a straight and married?
Complicated, for sure.
But .... it is also being 'whole' in a way I never knew I could be.

Everyone should be allowed to be whole.
So...while my advice remains the same:  DO NOT DO THIS.
I understand the need to be whole..... and I will be there for this person when their life implodes.

All I can say is this:  we HAVE TO STOP teaching a straight life to our children.  If your family has a Mommy and a Daddy...then they already know what that looks like. They also need to *see* what other families look like- and understand that they are happy, too.  Happy and accepted and okay.

It's such a simple thing..... but it would accomplish so much.  
Teens, who felt their parents could accept a gay child, would be less likely to hate themselves and harm themselves.....
Adults... people like me- may be wouldn't feel as though the only way to *be* happy was marrying someone of the opposite sex and then people like my friend wouldn't be faced with the choice of remaining in an unhappy situation.... or causing a potentially even less happy situation by being honest.

This is why I giggle a little when people say, "Gay people choose to be gay."
Who the f*ck would willingly "choose" all this......?
No one.  Seriously. No one.
lololol.

Now I wait for an email from across the country.... and I'm hoping for the best for all of them.

It's an interesting thing that *most* of El Capitan's and my friends didn't really have much to say when he left...... I think most of our friends tried to stay "neutral" in the sense that all our kids play together,etc.  

For the most part, I didn't hear from El Capitan's friends - at least not until The Sign situation happened and then a few of them send me horrible nasty-grams about how I was "exposing our family" and how *I* was trying to "ruin" him.....
Sigh.

WE bought the f*cking Sign.  WE chose to use The Sign.  HE wanted me to do the first FOX interview that started the whole media ball rolling.... but yes...yes - let's blame ME for everything.
Good plan.
Asshats.

That first night that I found out about La Novia, after El Capitan had left I called a friend of our who I thought actually knew La Novia and was friends with her as well.

This 'friend'..... let's call them:  La Serpiente. 

So, I called La Serpiente and told them what had happened that night - that I saw her picture and thought I knew who she was and that they were also friends.... and La Serpiente said  - no - no way was this girl who I thought she was..... 

La Serpiente was "kind"- they were "shocked" at what El Capitan had done and kept saying... "Are you *sure*?  I really think you've misunderstood things.... I'm pretty sure they *aren't* having an affair." blah  blah blah..... and in my heart wanted to believe him, but my gut knew otherwise.

La Serpiente had been kicking around for a few years - as a "family friend".... but I found their lack of morals and values troubling..... they were bereft of any kind of honesty in most any situation, including crafting bogus "sexual harassment" allegations against a manager at work that they didn't like:  who was subsequently fired.
But it was all lies..... and La Serpiente would sit in my living laughing at the manager's demise at the hand of their lies.
Shameful.

So, I wanted to distance myself (and our family) from such a persona and made this clear to El Capitan who felt "obligated" to remain friends with La Serpiente for 'professional reasons'.  (I'll leave it at that.)

Up until this point, La Serpiente would come over for dinner and hang out from time to time... bought the kids Christmas presents, etc.  SO..... in spite of the fact that I had grown to dislike them - I thought they *might* tell me the truth that fateful night because they seemed to care about my kids and our family as a whole.
Wrong.
So. Wrong.

The day after El Capitan left, La Serpiente was having lunch with El Capitan and *called me* to promise me that I had it "all wrong".... that La Novia was a "one time fling" - that she "meant nothing" and that this "wasn't going anywhere".... etc......

Liar, liar.... flaming pants on flaming fire.
Jackass.

La Serpiente was *Good* friends with La Novia and KNEW that this had been going on for some time.... so why lie to me?  Why wasn't I entitled to the truth from ANYONE?  That's just so frustrating.  Really.  What could comes from lying to me?  What bad could come from telling me the truth?
It boggles the mind.....

Because yes- I just found out my husband of ten years is cheating on me.... I feel as though I've been emotionally gutted... so *lying* to me is going to make this easier.....?  
Not.

Just more layers of betrayal....... 

So I soon figured out that El Capitan was *living* with La Novia and I obviously knew that La Serpiente had been lying to me all this time..... and I made it CLEAR at that time - to El Capitan that I NEVER EVER wanted to see or hear from La Serpiente *EVER* again.
El Capitan agreed and said he would tell them as much.

So..... that was that.  I never heard from La Serpiente again... though I know he remained 'good friends' with La Novia and El Capitan - hanging out at their place, having dinners... etc.  

Dinners La Serpiente pays for - that's how he gets people to hang out with him.... he pays for everything.  It's a pattern that goes back to high school and blowing his inheritance in a year paying for all his friends to party - until he ran out of money and they ditched him...... having some into a second inheritance:  La Serpiente did this again.... oh, and then there's the payout from a large company who La Serpiente made certain 'allegations' against and got a nice little pay day....... 
They are *that* kind of person.
Sigh.

Then..... three days ago, OUT.OF. THE. MOTHERF*CKING. BLUE:  La Serpiente calls.

I see their name illuminate on my phone: and I let it go to voicemail.
A few seconds later.... the phone rings again.
And again.

The third time it rings I start to wonder if something is wrong with El Capitan and may be I should answer it?  So.... I do and the conversation goes like this:

Me:  Hello.....?

La Serpiente:  Hey Elle!  How are you......?

Me:  ...... Fine...... What can I do for you?

La Serpiente:  Oh, I just wanted to call and say hi - ....

I cut La Serpiente off:  "I don't really have anything nice to say to you - so what can I do for you?"

La Serpiente:  Well, there's something I want to say to you...... I think it's really despicable that you tricked [El Capitan] into marrying you when you always knew you were gay......

Me:  Are you f*cking serious right now?  We are NOT friends, nor have we been friends for years - so why would you think you can call and say this to me?

La Serpiente:  [El Capitan] can't believe how to tricked him - and we think it's disgusting.

At this point I hang up the phone.  It's ONE THING for *YOU* to express an opinion you have about me to me ... it's ANOTHER THING to now suggest that El Capitan and La Novia SHARE your expressed opinion.... 

La Serpiente calls back..... again... and again.... and again.
Finally leaving me a 2 minute voice-mail, which I didn't listen to, because I'm busy texting El Capitan about what has happened.

El Capitan calls back when he's off work and I tell him - word for word - what happened.
El Capitan is confused... say's they haven't seen or even really talked to La Serpiente in months....

And I lose my nut...... "If I EVER F*CKING FIND OUT that you and La Novia hold this opinion, one you have NEVER SHARED WITH ME, and are out there telling people that I *tricked* you into the marrying me... I'll f*cking come UNGLUED.  If you have been LYING TO ME and saying sh*t behind my back....I'll f*cking LOSE IT....... "

El Capitan is quiet and listening.... because when we first broke up we made an agreement - that I get to *SAY* whatever the f*ck I want.... I can be mad and yell and use my usual colorful language.... and El Capitan will hear me out and not hang up.

Why?

Because I'm entitled to my anger, my hurt... my feelings - and after ten years of marriage HOW I process those feelings has never changed and it's unreasonable to act *now* like it's "offensive" or whatever....... So our deal is that I can *SAY* whatever I need to say, get my thoughts/emotions/feelings out on the table without fear of El Capitan using it against me later - SO LONG AS:  I make *decisions* with a rational and *FAIR* mind.... which I have ALWAYS DONE.

I believe that this agreement has kept either of us from doing shady sh*t behind each other backs - because we're both clear about where we stand - the good, the bad and the f*cking ugly.... but there is a thick layer of TRUST that remains, which is *key* to being able to move forward and co-parents in a healthy way.

Unless of course.... El Capitan and La Novia are sitting around telling people I "tricked" him into anything.
F*ck.

Now I'm *super* angry and I'm screaming at El Capitan:  "What the f*ck did I "trick" you into......?  Living pay check to paycheck......?  *I* put down the money for our house... MY MONEY:  and I lost it..... *I* PAID FOR THE SATURN with my own money: and I LOST IT. I loved you and supported you RELENTLESSLY and effortlessly.... and you F*CKING KNOW IT."

The phone is quiet for a second... then El Capitan say's, "I've never felt "tricked".  I was there when we met, I know we fell in love.... I know how much you loved me - and I've never - *WE'VE* never talked to [La Serpiente] about any of this and I've never told them I felt "tricked".  I don't think [La Novia] has either, but I will call her as soon as I hang up with you and then I will call [La Serpiente],"

"Fine,"  I tell him, "But this kind of bullsh*t makes me think that you guys are sitting around trashing me.... and THAT doesn't help us move foreward.... if you ARE sitting around talking about me - tell your friends to keep those conversations PRIVATE.  La Novia is entitled to any opinion she has.... HOWEVER - I don't need to f*cking hear about it third hand from some jackass I never liked in the first place........  I'm sure there is a more constructive way we could discuss this between the three of us if need be."

El Capitan *assures* me that no such conversations have taken place and that neither of them feels I "tricked" anyone into anything...... 

I'm still seething with anger..... because even *IF* I had 'tricked' El Capitan.... I came out MONTHS AGO - and in that time the three of us have worked REALLY HARD to co-parent in a friendly, open and honest manner.... La Serpiente making this phone call *is* his right.... he's entitled to his opinion.... but *sharing* this opinion - NOW - is damaging to our entire family set up.

It's *really* hard to trust each other.... it's a hard and challenging situation for all three of us to be navigating and I don't think ANYONE has the right to call *ANYONE* and say things that put that trust in question.... especially someone who has claimed they were a "family friend" and that they "care about" our kids......

If you actually *DID* care about my kids - you wouldn't rock the boat their happiness is resting in.
More to the point - if La Serpiente were *Actually* friends with El Capitan and La Novia, they would understand how much work and trust and forgiveness has gone into all of this and they wouldn't jeopardize it with a misplaced phone call months AFTER THE FACT.... which only serves to do one this:  piss me the f*ck off.  

The *ONLY* person here who got 'tricked'... was ME.
Jackass.

La Serpiente has a full and *personal* understanding of the social, emotional and family issue's that face people who identify LGBTQ - a very *CLOSE* understanding..... so their accusations came as a shock.

It's *very* frustrating for me that people - any people - would think I didn't love El Capitan.... that somehow sex - the need (or lackthereof) - DEFINES a marriage.  
It f*cking doesn't.

Communication. Trust.  Honesty.... *those* things define a marriage -and clearly El Capitan and I lacked on all three..... AND - let us not forget that it's a RARE situation that a doctor accidentally sews your vagina SHUT which makes HAVING ACTUAL SEX pretty freaking hard......

There were *YEARS* during our marriage where sex was NOT a physical option.
This all served to cloud both my feelings AND El Capitans..... we both know this.  We both understand this.
Sigh.....

The truth of the matter is...I don't really care what *ANYONE* say's about my marriage - only El Capitan and I know the truth.... and that's fine.

What I DO NOT appreciate is ill-informed commentary from a "friend" who only serves to upset me and make me question La Novia and El Capitan.... this is NOT helpful to the three of us.... and mostly - to the kids.

So.... to all the "friends" out there.... shut the f*ck up.
Your opinion is YOURS..... and unless it serves to provide some greater understanding, or HELPS in some way.... keep it to your F*CKING SELF.  

The truth is *always* 100% perspective..... I'm *well aware* of the mistakes I made in my life and in my marriage..... but I DO NOT think marrying El Capitan was a mistake.... we were married for TEN YEARS and we saw each other through some hard times..... and we have two beautiful kids.  

Mistakes were made alllllll around:  believe it.
But we can't move forward as two HAPPY FAMILIES if there is a lack of trust.
It just can't happen. 
It won't happen.

Anyone is truly a *friend* to anyone in this kind of situation wouldn't seek to disrupt what is a fairly happy and congenial situation..... hence why they are, and forever will be:  La Serpiente.

I can't believe that I'm getting ready to send The Boy to "real school".  

I have so many mixed emotions about it.  On so many levels I think he could benefit... on so many others: I'm scared sh*tless for him to be out in the big, bad world..... 

Hail Mary makes a good point.... she say's that The Boy will face bullying and adversity *sometime* in his life, and better he start to learn the tools you need to function within that - at school, later on in life at work, etc..... I suppose she has a point.  

So today Hail Mary and I took the kids school clothes shopping.  I'm not entirely sure *what* is "popular" for 8 year old boys these days.... so I just stuck with our usual staple:  Tony Hawk. 

They made it to the dressing room before me with a few things while I still collecting sizes - so when I approached the man running the area I said, "Did you see my girl and my two kids go into  room?"

"No,"  he replied, "There's a man and two kids though."

I could hear the kids laughing and talking, and I could also hear the baritone of Hail Mary's voice, so I said, "Oh no, that's my girlfriend, we're gay..... that's a girl in there. "  and I smiled.

Instantly the nice man turned beat red and said, "Oh honey! I AM TOO!!!! I didn't see them go in.... I only heard her talking.... I'm so sorry!"

No worries, I told him....no worries....  Hail Mary has a deep voice, so that's an easy mistake to make. lol
Later, he saw me leaving the dressing rooms with them and gave me a wink an a "nod of approval" at Hail Mary, and I thought that was pretty cute.

Usually.... it's just me taking the kids to the stores, endlessly trying on various sizes and types of skinny jeans and shirts with skateboards and stripes and skeletons on them..... and is it *just me* or do they actually heat those freakin' dressing rooms?  I always seem to be a sweaty miserable mess after shoving my kid into 8 pairs of jeans to find the 'right ones'.
Sigh.

THIS TIME.... however:  it was different.

Instead of frustration and annoyance.... I went back and forth for clothes while Hail Mary sat in the dressing room with the kids - entertaining them by letting them take pictures of each other in the dressing room with her smart phone, and when that failed, she downloaded a "dress your princess" app on her phone.  
The Girl was in *heaven*.

So, we procured clothes that are (hopefully) whatever the not-so-nerdy-kids are wearing..... and then we went to look at shoes and I have to admit.... I was kind of pissy.  I was haggard and stressed and I was just kind of in a pissy mood...... Hail Mary took me aside later and said..... "You gotta' learn to let go a little bit more.  I know in the past, it was just you doing this kind of stuff - but I'm here now and I *like* to do this kind of stuff. So, you gotta calm down and not get so stressed out about it all......"

Damn.  I kind of hate it when Hail Mary is right.   I *do* find it hard to relax and let someone else actually help me by taking over some of my "mom" duties.... but the issue isn't just control - it's getting used to the idea that someone is in our lives who *wants* to do these kinds of things with us - who *wants* to be there and is there to help.

The kids get it..... and they love it.  They can't wait for Hail Mary to come over and then there is *much* discussion over what we would do..... so after we went shopping, I stayed home to make dinner (and prove to Hail Mary that I am *not* the worlds best cook) Hail Mary walked to the park with the kids... and stayed there with them for almost an hour.

And that was *after"* Hail Mary ran a race yesterday - the kind where they pin numbers to your chest and everything...... they walked there, played for an hour and walked home..... she even handled the "mother of all meltdowns" that was hosted by The Girl.

Hail Mary said that The Girl wanted to take her shirt off when they got to the park and Hail Mary told her that (for the most part), girls keep their shirts on in public which resulted in The Girl going ballistic and sobbing her eyes out..... to which Hail Mary showed her to a park bench, explain (again) that you have to keep all your clothes on at the park and that when she calmed down she could join her and The Boy on the playground.

Perfect. I couldn't have handled it better.
Rad.

So..... there are lots of changes going on around here and frankly..... the kids seem to be more open to them than I am! lolololol  But I'm working on it.... working on letting go, working on being 'less in control' and working on relaxing...... 

Mostly, I'm trying to work on being a healthy part of the changes that are going on..... :)

Two days ago I was deeply saddened by some horrible news.  It's one of those things that hits you, really punches you in the gut…. but because you never actually met the person or interacted with them, it feels strange to be so strongly affected - and yet you still feel like you lost someone who meant so much to you.

In a world *before* Google and the world wide web…… my parents still owned a bookcase *full* of those things called 'encyclopedia's*, our telephone still had a 25ft. cord on it so my Mom would have the "freedom" to walk around the house while she talked on the phone and I would stay up late intently listening to the local college radio stations to hear the latest music.
And then there was MTV.

Growing up The Papa had *strict* rules about MTV:  I was not allowed to watch 'such trash'.  AND THAT was  when all it really played was actual music videos…I remember my parents going B.A.N.A.N.A.S about the Janet Jackson video for Nasty….good grief.

As the years went on, The Papa relaxed his rules and Adam Curry and his big hair became a staple of my Dial MTV 4:00pm television diet, and when The Real World started…. I was mesmerized. 

I missed most of New York - the first season, but never missed a single episode of Los Angeles - which was the second season.  Jon (the Christian Cowboy) was a reflection of so many people around me…. not in a bad way - but in the way that you watch people and how they act and you start to see things you don't like, you recognize traits of behaviors in yourself acted out by these people and if you're paying attention:  it can change you. 

Hmm….. how to explain.

People tell racist jokes.
People laugh at racist jokes or inappropriate comments.   
People do silly things - like chase each other around the hall way and sexually tease each other.
People live in a bubble and never meet a person of race or who are homosexual - and yet have hard and fast opinions about both. 
and THEN - in a house with seven strangers you watch them grow and change and *experience* diversity and life experiences…. and I kind of felt like *I* grew with them.

I saw things I did, jokes I might have told or laughed at…. and realized that they were wrong, or that my humor was misplaced and without intending to - it could be offensive.  (Don't worry... I'm *clearly* still plenty offensive.)

When Tami (Los Angeles) had her abortion it was MIND. BLOWING.  Watching her struggle and cry while her Mom sat at her bedside helpless was *forever* burned into my mind…. how brave that she shared that with an entire country.  So brave.

And then after Irene got married (I never understood why they let her on the season if she was leaving halfway through….)- they brought in Beth A. who wore this infamous t-shirt on her first day in the house and it said:

"I'm not GAY, my girlfriend is."

I actually had to *think* about what the hell that meant…… lololol.  She wasn't my favorite character on the show, to be honest, but she WAS the first "real life" lesbian that I ever saw.  However, coming in halfway through an already tumultuous season - her story line was focused less on her sexuality and more on the seven of them getting along.

THE NEXT YEAR was San Francisco…. with the *infamous* Puck and Rachael and Judd…. and Pedro. 
That season changed my life. I believe it changed many lives.  Never before had their been such *fighting* and growth and change.... and I'm not sure any other cast became as close or was as affected by their season as the San Fran cast was.  Most notable of the seven strangers was Pedro.

Pedro was HIV positive, and gay.

He was also kind and patient - which was required when Puck kept putting this nose-picking-fingers in Pedro's peanut butter jar. 

Pedro also fell in love:  with Sean Sasser.  And we, along with the six other housemates, go to watch Pedro's struggle and journey which ended with the *first* gay commitment ceremony that *ever* appeared on US television.  (Oh MTV.... how you have fallen.... lololol).

THIS, watching these two men relate to and love each other…. was life changing.  This was *the first* gay relationship that I got to see unfold in real time:  unscripted, honest, true and gay.  Pedro not only put a face on what being HIV positive meant…. he put a *heart* behind what being gay meant.

In 1994 people were not living "OUT", certainly not outside of San Francisco.  Pedro faced all kinds of issues and shared openly his journey as a Cuban gay man, and as an HIV positive person.  Pedro was so brave, he had found out he was HIV while still in high school and he used whatever time he had left on the planet to try to educate people - especially younger kids - about the dangers of un-safe sex and how to protect themselves… and about HIV/AIDS.

When Pedro met Sean, he was already getting sick.  The stress of camera's and living with the ever unpleasant Puck, seemed to take a toll on Pedro, but he never gave in.  Sean & Pedro fell in love while filming for The Real World.  All the while, Pedro was getting sicker and sicker… right there in front of our eyes. 

You watched these people - like Rachael, raised in a super conservative home (just like me), who initially shied away from Pedro in fear of his gay and HIV status not out of actual 'hate' but out of ignorance….. and then you watch her learn and grow and become friends with Pedro and then you see her own pain as she watches her friend grow weaker and sicker…. that's an amazing journey to be a part of.

Above all else, their love story became a solid story line for the show and Sean's love and support for Pedro was…. amazing.

In a world where the *idea* of an actual 'hate crime' didn't even yet exist…. because it was still kind of okay to beat up some queer in the street just for being queer…… there they were:  Pedro and Sean.

Brave.
Out.
Visible.
Vulnerable.
All the things I wasn't.
All the things *countless* people like me were afraid to be.

They weren't Hollywood actors, their life and love wasn't scripted… it was real and raw and heartbreaking - because you knew their time together would be marred by illness and eventually death. 

Growing up in the 80s and 90s, this was a straight kids world.  There are a sh*t ton of Disney Princess stories and Cameron Crowe and John Hughe's films that told me how to act if I wanted the perfect boyfriend…. they quiet *literally* defined the qualities I would look for in a future mate - but they predefined that that *mate* should be - *would be* a man…..

These are great movies, I loved them then and still love them now….. but when you look around at a world and you don't see any part of yourself reflected back at you on a regular basis, it's hard to figure out who you are and where you "fit in".  Really hard because we tend to define ourselves by our family and friends and the world we see around us. If you identify that you are *not* the same as your family and friends and the world you see….. how do you learn to define who you are?

How do you find the courage to *be* who you are?

Just yesterday I was talking to someone who knew El Capitan and I since we got married and we were discussing my lesbian status and they even said…. "Why on earth *would* you have come out in 1990s?  I wouldn't have….. the world is different and much more accepting now."
True that.
and thank f*ck for that as well. lololol

Pedro and Sean were the first people who defined, for me, what an actual 'gay relationship' could look like…. and to *everyone's* surprise around the world:  it was the same.

Pedro and Sean showed us all that gay love was the same as everyone else's love.  To a world FULL of social media and visual input - this information seems commonplace.  However, to those of us living among corn fields and tractors and pick-up trucks.... this was a f*cking *newsflash*. lololol

Sadly.... Pedro passed away in November 1994. 

You know they say there are those days you never forget - like when John F. Kennedy was killed, you never forget the place you were when you heard the news…. or John Lennon or Elvis.  For me, it was the day I found out Pedro had died.  It felt like a part of me was gone because ….. hmm…. how to describe this without seeming like I'm trying to attach myself to such a huge loss in an inappropriate way…..

With so *few* (actually ZERO) ties to the gay community, Pedro was - in a bizarre way -my only connection to that part of myself….. and when he died, that part of me died, too.  It was a choice - I let it die.  I stuffed it down, locked it away, stopped looking in the mirror.... until I didn't see it anymore.  I was already living in London and working and dating Drew.

I was happy …. or rather, I was as happy as I thought I could be and didn't question anything else. I didn't *want* to be gay….. who the f*ck would in 1993/1994?  lolol.  Well… people braver than me.  Stronger than me.  People who had a better, fuller understanding of who they were……
But not me.

The truth is, if you tell yourself a lie - *any* lie -long enough... eventually you'll believe it.
Eventually it becomes your truth for as long as you're willing to keep repeating it.
For me.... the lie was that I was straight.
Sigh.

Two days ago It was announced that Sean Sasser passed away from Cancer at only 44.  He had married again and actually ended up living in Portland for the last couple of years with his husband and continued to be active in AIDS/HIV education. 

I never met him, never had the chance to tell him what his love for Pedro taught a 19 year old girl sooooo much about who she was…….. about who she was *meant* to be, even if she took a really long (and crazy) road to get there.  I know I'm one of *thousands* of people - male and female - who feel this way about him.... I hope he knew that impact he had just by being who he was.

It's part of the reason why I was willing to come out on The Blog, part of the reason why I'm trying to Blog about the changes I've made and have been making and trying to put a *face* on what it means to grow up gay in a straight world and come to terms with who you are *very* late in life..... because I know deep down I'm not the only one who feels (has felt) this way.  My journey is *not* as unique and rare as some might think.... I've gotten several email from men and women asking for help as they go on their own similar journey.

I also know that there are some Moms out there *right now* raising kids who are gay.... born that way and staying that way..... I figure if I am willing to share what might have helped me accept who I was as a child, then may be I can help a Mom or two understand their own child better..... may be not, but it's worth a shot.

Above all, I've come to realize that being OUT, being VISIBLE is incredibly important for myself and for my entire community.... a lesson I *should* have better learned 20 years ago...... 

Just tonight I was out with Keebler and some other great friends - Macks and Atty and Coach and Hail Mary and I cannot *tell* you how like totally proud I am to be OUT with Hail Mary.... I'm so proud to be her girlfriend.

Anyhow.... it's Keebler's last week in PDX, and Hail Mary and I went down to VooDoo Donuts to get her a special treat to remember Portland by and walking back to the bar (which is a gay bar) - there was a couple a few steps behind us.

The man was a good looking man with sparkly green eyes and a short hair cut:  very cute.  He was holding hands with a girl who had long hair, wearing tight black mini-dress and carrying a rose.... they were *clearly* on a date - and one they were enjoying.

The man asked us if we knew where [the club we were going to] was located - and we told him it was on the next block and they could walk with us there.... and then the girl - clearly feeling nervous - timidly said, "We're from Bellingham...... is this club LGBTQ friendly.......?"

I looked a little closer and realized that the girl was a transgender person.

You see... we *still* live in a world where transgender people have to *ask* if they are going to be SAFE in a nightclub because of who they are..... sigh.  That's just f*cking heartbreaking.

Immediately Hail Mary and I reassure them *both* that not only is Portland *very* supportive of it's LGBTQ community, but that at this club in particular not only will they feel *safe* there, but they will find *many* transgender people enjoying themselves - freely.

They both seemed so relieved..... and you know what - because Hail May and I were out, holding hands and being who *we* are - these people knew they could ask a question like that on the sidewalk.  It's a teeny-tiny small thing.... but then again, it isn't.  

It isn't *nearly* on the level of Sean and Pedro or countless other people who *inspire* me to be who I am.... but just by BEING WHO I AM - and being out with the person who I .... have incredibly strong feelings for and am *very proud* to be with.... we were able to help two strangers feel just a little more .... confident?  safe in their new surroundings.....?  Like I said... it's a little bit of something... and I'll take it.  lolololol

I hope that couple danced the night away.

****** I stopped writing this post this morning and spent the afternoon writing a few key people who have (and continue) to inspire me in my life.  I think too many times we don't tell people - especially people we don't really know - how much of a positive affect they have on our lives, and in light of Sean's passing, I didn't want to let that an opportunity to share with certain people pass me by……

God bless those who inspire us to be who we are, to be better people…

So today was *crazy* busy..... I spent most of the morning sick to my stomach.

I really hate making huge life decisions...... being a parent and an adult really blows sometimes.

In the first place, I decided to go to CNA1/CNA2 school.  This really *isn't* a huge 'departure' for me because I spent a lot of my childhood thinking I might become a nurse and .... I like people.  I like talking to people and taking care of people..... when I lived in London Drew's Mom was the head manager at an agency that took care of Old Age Pensioners.  We would do everything from grocery shop for them to bathe them and care for them.... and it was fine.  

I used to have this policy with the older gentleman that I would wash "as far up as 'possible' and as far down as 'possible'" but THEY had to wash "possible".  hahahahaha

I liked doing that job because I would always think to myself - 'this is someone's beloved Grandma - so I should take extra good care of them like I would want someone to take care of my own Grandma'.  Plus, being in London they usually had *really* cool stories to tell you about the War and stuff... that was pretty rad.

However, this means that The Boy will be going to public school.
Sigh.

It also means The Girl will be going to some kind of daycare situation.....
Puke. Sigh. Cry......

Because...... we are moving.  We're not moving super far away, but far enough away that The Bubbie won't be able to watch the kids for me anymore..... however, the schools in our area aren't stellar - and where *are* going is in HUGE part due to the amazing school that's there.  (and a few other reasons, too.)

This move is mostly for the kids though.  It's a chance to get The Boy into a great school and hopefully he'll be happy there which will create a space for me to go to work without feeling totally guilty about not homeschooling him anymore.  I think it's our best chance at public school success..... 

It's a pretty big deal to move though - and thankfully El Capitan agreed and doesn't have an issue with driving a bit farther for pick-ups and drop-offs, which is kind of cool..... 

I AM STILL GOING TO BE WORKING AS A PHOTOGRAPHER...... I will just have to commute a bit more to get to my sessions, that's all. :)

The thing is.... I *have* to do this.  I can't keep putting my 'eggs' in someone else's basket.  When I married El Capitan I was still in college and while I did finish my associates degree in English (f*cking shocker that, eh?) - I bailed on getting my four year so that he could go to college.   At the time I thought - 'he's the man, he's the main provider, so he should go instead of me'.  And yeah.... that kind of worked out... until he decided to start 'providing' for someone else. lololol

At this point in my life I have to start being able to handle my own sh*t.  That means reasonable pay and benefits and a retirement and stuff..... and I can't just *Assume* that my partner will provide those things for me.... in the first place- ME AND MY KIDS are *my* financial responsibility.  I want to be able to take care of us on my own because I don't want anyone (of their family or friends) to see me as some kind of single Mom who wants someone else to pay my bills while I sit at home.  Second, I need to know that if the worst *ever* happens again.... I can handle it.  

We all know I can handle the emotional holocaust.... but I have to be able to survive financially.  So. These changes Must. Be. Made.  Period.

So today I took The Boy out to the back porch.... tissue's in hand, I was *really* trying to hold my sh*t together.  I sat him down and I was honest with him..... I told him that when he was a baby that his Dad and I made the plan to home-school him and that I would stay home and raise him instead of get a job.  

Then I said, but things changed when Dad left and now Mom has to work to pay bills and stuff which means that I can't stay home anymore and The Boy said.... "So I have to go to public school, huh?"

Smart little bugger he is.
And then I started crying.... I feel soooo much as though I have let him down.  Having to trade in his childhood for a paycheck feels LIKE. SH*T.
Really.

The Boy patted me on the back and said, "It's ok Mom.... I'm going to be shy at first because I won't know anyone - but I'll wait for the teacher and the new school friends to get to know me and then we'll all be friends and it'll be fine."

WHAT?  Seriously.  So then I cried harder.

I told him that I was sorry and that if it could be any other way: it would be.  THEN I had to tell him that we'll be leaving The Bubbie's house to be able to get to this new school and that they will only be seeing Bubbie and Papa during the weekend.... to which The Boy said, "We can come back to stay for a weekend?  It'll be like a vacation!!!"  And he was *still* happy.
Sniffle.

So after my conversation with The Boy, I had a few meetings and some planning to do to set this new plan in motion.... a plan nearly *all* of my friends don't even know about..... Seems like my life is a series of phone calls to friends...... "El Capitan cheated, we're getting divorced."  "I'm a lesbian."  "We're moving".
You know... you can say a lot of things about me.... and *many* an internet Troll already has.... but at least I'm never boring.... right?  hahaha

My afternoon was filled with errands and finishing client work and then we waited for Hail Mary to come over. 

I'm not sure what happened to my kids... but they *Really* like Hail Mary.  Alllllll afternoon it was, "When is [Hail Mary] coming over?"  and "Are we going to see [Hail Mary] tonight?"

Hail Mary has had a few football injuries and tonight, after work, she had an appointment with a therapist to have some work done so she wouldn't be coming over until right around their bedtime, so I told them that as a special treat we would go out for ice cream when Hail Mary came over.

As promised, we piled into the car and headed off to 31 Flavors for ice cream and after the kids had "tasted" various options, the settled on their usual mint chocolate chip and chocolate that they always get.  We all sat down at those little tiny circle tables and out of the motherf*cking BLUE The Boy say's:

"You know, [Hail Mary], my Mom has dated lots of girls......"

To which Hail Mary throws me a raised eyebrow and laughs.... mostly because she *knows* that I haven't AND she knows that he now thinks EVERY single butch lesbian I'm friends with is someone I've dated.... Keller, Keebler, Mia, Bella..... poor kid. lololol

"Oh...." Hail Mary replies, "has she?"

"Yeah, she has.... but I think you're the girl for her."  The Boy states matter of factly.

I'm freaking gobsmacked..... and you know, secretly I'm thrilled that this conversation is happening while *Everyone* is wearing their pants and *not* taking a sh*t.  At least I'm going to get ONE 'Hallmark' moment like it's supposed to happen in the movies.....

"Well, that's great, but I guess I have to ask YOU if YOU think I'm the girl for you - because you guys are kind of a package deal and I can't be with your Mom unless you're happy, too."  Hail Mary said... BUT - most importantly, she said it while maintaining eye contact with The Boy.  She never looked at me as though to say - 'look what I'm doing' or.... like as though she were asking for show .... she was *genuinely* asking The Boy if she was 'the girl' for them.

"Oh yeah," The Boy said nodding, "I think you're the gal for us [Hail Mary]."  
and there's that GAL thing *again*!!!! Which I was stoked he said because I wasn't so sure Hail Mary believed me when I told her what he told me int he bathroom.... who the *HELL* say's gal around my kid?  It sure as sh*t isn't me.... so it's funny that he keeps using that word.  

"Well, cool - because I think you guys are great and I think your Mom is pretty great and I'm thinking she might be the girl for me, too."  Hail Mary told The Boy.

And then everyone went on eating their ice cream until The Girl jumped up holding out her empty cup and announced that she had "beat" us all and finished "first" .... 

I'm not entirely sure how to process things..... I mean - the kids have been around most of my friends - we've hung out with Keebler TONS... and Keller  - and not ONE TIME did he ever say such a thing.... except when Carhartt and I broke up he said, "Well, good because now you can marry Keebler ......"  lolol Which cracked me up at the time and I explained to him that I wasn't going to date Keebler, that we were just friends.

I haven't been grooming him, or prepping him or anything.... we really haven't talked much about Hail Mary - and yet he seems to have so many opinions. 
Crazy.

The irony is that my son, like most people, seems to think that all lesbians are having sex with/dating  all their female friends.... hahahaha - which I'm not.... and frankly most of us don't.

But the good news is that Hail Mary got the green light from The Boy- without me even asking... that's kind of awesome..... and a little bit confusing.... like the books say that the kids will usually reject a new person because of fears that I will "leave" or they will be "less important" with a new adult in the picture.  However... my kids are welcoming La Novia and Hail Mary with open arms and eager smiles..... I'm not sure how to interpret that.... 

Hopefully it's not because El Capitan and I have sucked so bad that they can't wait to replace us. lolol
No seriously.... I might *actually* be a tad worried about that.