So, over the last few months, more than one Blog reader has either posted in the comments section or sent me an email wanting to know more about a) the friend who de-friended me and b) to see the letter that that friend's husband later sent me that I once referenced in The Blog.
I have not tried to "avoid" anything, but..... whereas El Capitan and I 'fell' into this whole mess.... my *friends* never asked to be apart of this whole deal (which is why they all have nicknames), having said that everyone who appears in The Book read parts of The Book and knew they were in it. They all read The Blog, though usually not 'every day' - but they knew they appear here as well as NO ONE has ever asked me to not write about them using a nickname or otherwise. (Except for Carhartt who was *fine* with being apart of The Blog, read it every day - and still does - who let me know about a month ago *after* we broke up that she didn't want "Carhartt" to appear on The Blog anymore. For the most part, I have respected that, though I don't feel that's entirely fair. Going forward..... I will not post about 'Carhartt' again.)
Point being....if *anyone* - El Capitan, La Novia, Jenny B, Chloe, Janda, Keifer, Keebler, Keller, Mia, Torri, Bella - ever asked me to never write about them on The Blog again - I would totally honor that. However, that has yet to happen.
So, for the purpose of *this* entry - I'm going to give this "friend" a new name. They had appeared on The Blog and in The Book since it's inception and for those of you who have been regular readers from the start, you will probably have no trouble figuring out who it is. Which - is part of the reason I have hesitated going into this on The Blog because our mutual and *local* friends know EXACTLY who this is about.... and so I feel like even though they've both been a bit crappy about things.... I don't have a right to expose a bunch of things about their marriage that our mutual friends might not know. I hope that makes sense.
So, This Is The Story of The Little Girl Who Never Had Enough.... now know as Never Enough.
Never Enough and I met through a mutual friend we'll call Kay. Kay and Never Enough were friends and Kay referred me to Never Enough to take pictures of her kids (which I did and she loved, of course). Kay and Never Enough weren't getting along shortly thereafter and Kay "warned" me that Never Enough was the kind of "friend" who talks about everyone behind their backs.
In my humble opinion we are *ALL* guilty of talking about people - sometimes it's out of amusement or concern - and sometimes we're just being bitchy.... but we all do it - and Kay did it plenty on her own.... so this "warning" fell on deaf ears with me. Not long after that Never Enough stopped being friends with Kay -and not long after that.... so I did I.
Never Enough had a child of similar age to The Boy and the two of them were fast friends. We did all kinds of outings and crafts and projects with them. Our families started hanging out together spending several "New Years" in a row together.
El Capitan was never wild about spending time with Never Enough's Husband. He thought he was a bit on the 'strict' side and El Capitan would spent more time playing video games or having water balloon fights with their older child while Never Enough's Husband would joke about what a "kid" El Capitan was, etc. Joking.... but also in the sense that Never Enough's Husband clearly thought El Capitan was 'immature'.
Our two families lived very different lives ...... hmm.... how to put this without revealing personal information about Never Enough's marriage....
Never Enough was a stay at home Mom. They lived in a big house in a nice neighborhood in one of the best Elementary school area's in Oregon. They drove nice cars, the children wore only designer clothes. Never Enough was constantly going away on 'retreats' or crafting weekends - they frequently went out on date nights and usually to super nice places.
By contrast, El Capitan and I lived in small house in an 'okay' neighborhood with a sh*tty school. We had one nice car and a 1990s Something given to us by my parents. The Boy had designer clothes - but only *after* they were out of season and on-sale for $5 or under. We never went on date nights-and if we did, it was to Red Robin. I worked 40+ hours a week, as did El Capitan, and usually I worked weekends, so no crafting or retreats for me.
I was *NEVER* jealous of Never Enough. LOTS of my friends are a great deal wealthier than I am - some of my friends are actual millionaires.... I think that's great for them - but it doesn't make my life any less wonderful or have less value.....
For Never Enough though..... it was.... NEVER. ENOUGH.
She would complain that her husband wasn't "home enough", didn't do enough "family stuff" on the weekends (and when I pointed out to her that she expects the finances to buy said designer clothes and that means hours worked by said husband... that logic fell on deaf ears.). She expected to go to Disneyland every. Single. Year - for an entire week. She wanted cruises and big parties and .... a nice life style.
Who doesn't, right? lololol
I didn't fault her for that... but I did always wonder why she didn't just live in the gratitude and grace that she claimed to know so much about as a "Christian." Oh yeah.... Never Enough was very religious.
Cool. Again... that never bothered me.
A few years after we met, I had started to grow tired of the 'talking about other people' that went on..... she never had a nice thing to say about her husband, the picture she painted was of someone who .... hmmmm.... this is so hard. what to write without being too personal...... basically she painted a picture of a 1950s husband where the house had to be spic and span, dinner on the talbe by 5:30, carpets cleaned, toys put away - .... "or else" - type thing.
May be..... he didn't really seem that way to me - but people are always different behind closed doors.
In any regard - from where I stood, it looked to me like he loved Never Enough very much. He worked endless hours to pay for the lifestyle she wanted.... and she hid massive amounts of credit card debt from him.
Mostly what drove me crazy was her lack of gratitude for what she *DID* have.
A few things came to a head and Never Enough and I stopped being friends...... Never Enough thought this was a *fantastic time* to go and email EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. of our mutual friends to tell them "her side" of what had happened and to explain all her 'mysterious posts' on facebook. (*This* is part of the reason I'm willing to Blog this, because she's had no trouble dragging my name through the mudd several times over with mutual friends.... and the husband *did* tell me I could post his letter - so I'm assuming on some level this is what she wanted........?)
I, of course, hadn't said anything to anyone so suddenly my inbox was full of forwards from our mutual friends with notes attached saying - What the f*ck? or.... Huh? What's going on?
I kept it simple but honest, I was tired of the talking about other people - and the incredibly *jealousy* Never Enough had about other people - so and so went on this trip - Can you BELIEVE IT? blah blah blah. I thought Never Enough had said some pretty offensive things to me and I was just tired of the whole game.
Oddly enough..... none of our mutual friends stopped being my friend and they all nodded in agreement for my reasons for not wanting to be friends anymore.
No one was surprised.
No one was shocked.
No one thought that my..... feelings were unjustified.
So I Ieft it at that and moved on.... I didn't post things on facebook....but Never Enough did for months - and again - those mutual friends would send me screen shots of the posts with LOL's attached.
For someone so "Christian"..... Never Enough's behavior has always left little to be desired, to be blunt. This observation wasn't made just by me....
Never Enough is the kind of friend who is *always* talking about someone. For instance, she'll talk about Emily - and it's never nice talk.... always negative. And then suddenly you'll see Never Enough and Emily doing a bunch of stuff together on facebook and now when I talk to her it's nothing but nasty stuff about Mary. And then later it's Mary and Never Enough checking in for breakfast and lunch and bff's in facebook land and now it'll be Sarah's turn for the nasty comments..... and so on.
Eventually, you're smart enough to know that if *YOU* are not the current new BFF on facebook and hanging out with her all the time.... then *YOU* are probably who Emily, Mary & Sarah are currently hearing the nasty stuff about.....
Follow that? :)
So.... let me give you one example of the kind of thing that would get under my skin a bit:
Never Enough won concert tickets to a teen singers concert - one that *EITHER* of her children would love to have gone to. However, instead of taking one of the kids to this teen concert, she and the husband went. I thought this was.... selfish? Why not take the older kid? Why go with your husband to a concert geared *totally* for tweens and teens? But.... they went and then *AFTER* they went - allllllll I heard about for at least a week after was how "disappointing" it was and how "boring" it was..... um yeah - DUH.... it's a concert put on for TWELVE YEAR OLDS..... what else were you expecting?
But see...Never Enough.
You win free tickets to a concert, you don't take your kid, YOU go because you *LIKE* this artist.... but the concert was just too 'babyish' for you to enjoy...... so you had a "terrible" time... blah blah blah.
That, in a nutshell - is what I disliked the most about Never Enough.
So we stopped being friends for...... twoish years? Until I was sick in the hospital in May of 2010 - when I was admitted for a week with some insane and unknown infection that had the CDC coming in to test my blood. I was admitted on Friday and by Sunday El Capitan was posting updates on my facebook page. Never Enough's husband saw one of these posts (because he and I were still facebook friends) - and he showed it to Never Enough while they were sitting in Church.
She immediately texted me.
I remember, in my drugged, feverish state - seeing the texts and being like.... "really? NOW?" lololol
When I got out of the hospital we became "friends" again, but only kind of...... I accepted for friend request on facebook but quickly "hid" her from my feed because it seemed like all she did was whine about life... and I was just out of a hospital and still SUPER sick...I didn't care to read about how "awful" this silly non-event/hiccup in her day was..... weeks and months would go by and we didn't really hang out or whatever.... El Capitan had NO interest in hanging out as a family and so we really didn't.
Nothing really changed with Never Enough - though they were in an amazing place and Never Enough's Husband was doing great and doing some really awesome things in his spare time - which was no surprise, he's a real go-getter type. He sets goals and he doesn't just achieve them, he obliterates them and sets the next goal even higher. I always really respected him, though, I did agree with El Capitan that may be he could "play" a bit more and work a bit less.
And yet.... in spite of allllllll the many, many exciting trips they were taking and how great their life was..... it was *Still* never enough for Never Enough.
I did pictures for them and I made a slideshow that I set to music - the song was "Beautiful Life" which is by a Christian artist and it goes, in part, like this:
"Outside you will find
There is love all around you
Takes you, makes you wanna' say
That it's a beautiful life
And it's a beautiful world
And it's a beautiful time
To be here, to be here, to be here"
After Never Enough saw the slideshow she called me to say that she liked the pictures.... but she "wasn't sure " about the song because she didn't know if it "fit" her life that well.....
Again. Never enough. Nothing is *EVER* enough for Never Enough..... right there and then I knew that our friendships days were numbered again because honestly.... how can you *NOT* be grateful for your life?
At this point in time - El Capitan and I were still married and *THIS* was the Christmas that I was buying all the kids toys at GoodWill... we were living on $200 for food a month and *barely* getting by.... I thought my life was pretty freakin' beautiful and I didn't have 1/4 of what they had..... not the money or the house or the cars .... or the free time! lololol and I was still happy.
Never Enough, in contrast, got an iPad for Christmas and they had been a cruise blah blah blah and yet all I heard about after the holidays was negative, negative, negative..... I would NEVER begrudge my friends their success's... however, your lack of gratitude and gratefulness for what you have when I have *nothing* and am STILL F*CKING GRATEFUL for the nothing that I *DO* have... well- I'll be honest, that's going to wear me down just a little bit.....
Ok, may be more than a little bit.
I was dumb enough - at the time - to think that *MY* simple, broke, small house life *was* a beautiful life, indeed..... I thought that Never Enough had a pretty beautiful life as well.
Guess not, according to her.
Fast forward sometime later..... and we're doing 'better' as friends. Meeting for coffee and breakfast and having playdates here and there, but NOW...... alllllll I hear about alllll the time is another set of family friends of theirs who go on FOUR TRIPS A YEAR!?!?! Can you believe that? (please act shocked, because I was supposed to be). How "wasteful" and blah blah blah.... and EVERY TIME they go to Disney they stay in a Disney hotel: FOR A WEEK!!!! (again, we're all supposed to find this shocking).
Well, this would piss Never Enough off. This family had the means to go to big parties, hold bigger, fancier parties than hers.... they had big money to spend at the school auction and buy their kids the "right clothes" and go on luxury vacations - and *EVEN THOUGH* this women was supposed to be one of Never Enough's "best friends"..... the constant stream of nasty jealous talk about this other woman's life never ended.
When El Capitan left, Never Enough was right there for me.... telling me that Never Enough's Husband never liked El Capitan anyway - and they thought El Capitan had changed the second time we became friends and how he wasn't such a great guy... blah blah blah.
They had me over for dinner and both of them comforted me. Never Enough's husband was incredibly kind with his time and came over countless days to help me pack and move..... I *really* could not have done it without him.... honestly. I really couldn't have. As I said, he works very hard, and does a lot of important stuff on his weekends, so I was very grateful for all the personal time of his own he gave up to help me move.
I still am.
When The Sign came out, Never Enough and her husband were *right there* to fully support me. She sent me cards full of nice things about me, Never Enough organised a meal train for me. (so very nice of her).
Never Enough even gave an interview to a media outlet discussing what a "douche" El Capitan was.
We were getting to a good place as friends and I relied on her for a great deal of support - and I was there for her when some pretty bad things happened in her life as well. Even still.... i knew that as our social engagements stretched apart and other friends filled her BFF facebook land role.... that I was the friend she was talking nasty about.... it's just kind of a given with her.
So me..... let's talk about me, shall we?
I think we can all see that I'm pretty opinionated.... that I can be a super bitch when I want to be. I was never a super bitch to Never Enough - or the husband. And I didn't usually have much to say to her that was negative.... I would listen to Never Enough complain about *Everyone* else in her life - and I would *try* to give constructive, helpful advice.... but what she really wants is for you to just agree with her about how awful things are. I didn't really do that because I didn't think that most of what she found "awful" was really that bad... or even bad at all.
I mean..... I'll be honest - you have a nice husband who works hard and provides *very well* for your family who is growing and healthy and smart and active.... you get to be a stay at home Mom in a lovely home..... from where I stand, you have pretty good life.
I have no husband, I live in a spare bedroom and share a bed with two kids - I have no 'financial plan', my little bit of savings is quickly disappearing to cover my health care costs, I work constantly, and I'm going to have to give up homeschooling and staying at home....
Yet.... I'm still pretty freakin' happy.... and Never Enough: is not.
I'll be honest... that get's old after a while.
The subject of another 'retreat' came up - and Never Enough invited me. The Bubbie said I could go and I was kind of looking foward to it because it was my first opportunity to "get away" on my own.
And then one day in March, at a play date I said this:
"I want you to know that I value your faith and that I know how important your faith is to you and your family - and that knowing that - I fully understand if what I have to tell you affects our ability to be friends....... [Never Enough] - I'm a lesbian."
There was an empty pause in the room and Never Enough laughed awkwardly.... and then she asked me the usual questions... which I gave the same answers too. Eventually, while walking out of the room she said, "This doesn't affect our friendship at all.... don't worry about it."
That's awesome. But.... the way she said it - as she was leaving a room - not looking me in the eye or giving me a hug... it just.... it didn't seem like she meant it at the time.
When she came back into the room she suggested that may be I shouldn't be going on this next retreat she had invited me on because most of her friends are all 'faith based people' and she was worried I would make them uncomfortable.
Yeah..... ten minutes in: it's affecting our friendship.
I wasn't offended.... may be a bit hurt. I'm a talker.... may be she thought I would sit around and talk about going down on girls? Or discuss the finer points of scissoring? Of course - at this point I hadn't so much as *kissed* a girl and Never Enough new it.... but, it was her retreat and I was an invited guest and it was her perogative to un-invite me.
I *do* want to make this one small observation: At the previous retreat I had been to, I had no sooner set my bag down in my room when Never Enough shoved her Kindle under my nose and *demanded* I read "the greatest book"..... It was a chapter of 50 Shades of Grey and one where the male character meets a woman who is a virgin and finger bangs her in a very rough manner and bends her over a couch....? The whole passage Never Enough had chosen for me was ..... gross. It made my stomach hurt and I fell sick thinking about the way in which this man felt he "owned" this female character are roughly violating her.... and worse - how the female character felt special and 'chosen' because he had done those things to her.
The whole time I was reading and thinking it was disgusting.... Never Enough was hoping up and down like a school girl and saying "Isn't it great......? It totally 'get me in the mood'" I told her I thought it was gross and disgusting and that no man should treat a woman like that....
So..... I guess as we're talking about male dominant sex at the retreat that's okay........ but don't let the token lesbian come and pervert the place?
I never saw Never Enough after the day I told her I was gay.
I called for playdates: she was busy.
I called for coffee dates: she was busy.
I called for movie dates: she was busy.
About a month earlier Never Enough had called me to tell this horrible story about her friends and her friends relative whom Never Enough had asked to watch her kids while she rented a super fancy hotel in Portland for a special occasion with her husband. She was *shocked* and totally pissed and the friend and the relative wanted $100 a day to do it..... I mean - Never Enough was *pissed*..... so I offered to do it. I figured it would be like a mini vacation for me and the kids and I wouldn't ask her to pay me anything - it was the *least* I could do after they had done so much for me when I was moving and everything.
Well.... after all plans were in place..... I got a call a week before the intended hotel stay - and *AFTER* I had come out - to tell me that my "services" were no longer needed that Never Enough's Husband was upset when he found out how much the hotel room cost and he demanded she cancel the whole thing.
Umm.... I highly doubt that... but I suppose it's possible.
Truth be told, I would only ever hear from Never Enough if I had written about something on The Blog - about El Capitan or someone I was dating or whatever - and she would text me for the details that weren't on The Blog... which I would share. Later... a mutual friend would point out that that was because Never Enough needed the details to talk to *her* friends about me..... yeah - probably. lolol
After I came out - most of my other friendships stayed mostly the same..... but I rarely heard from Never Enough. I started to wonder if she was more than busy - if she just didn't want to see me.
Around this time things were heating up between Never Enough and the family friend who "took too many trips every year" and in the end..... Never Enough sent the friend a kiss off letter and unfriended her on facebook.... which - is kind of what Never Enough does.....
But. That family had much closer ties to Never Enough's family.... nothing had really happened between them - but the other lady had made better friends with other people and Never Enough was pissed about it. Plain and simple.... but I never thought she would de-friend the woman.
When that happened.... I started to think my own friendship days with Never Enough were numbered.... texts got shorter and shorter..... messages on facebook got shorter..... and I kind of felt like I was 'walking the plank'.
I hadn't made 'better friends' with anyone else..... I still wanted to be Never Enough's friend - our *kids* were friends and I kind of think that everyone comes with a sack of rocks - or sh*t they do that you don't like..... you either accept that and be their friend.... or you don't. I had long decided that while I found Never Enough's - never enough attitude' and the friendship merry-go-round of gossip a bit much at times..... her ability to encourage people and be strong and love.... was just as important.
For instance, the deck of 'inspirational' cards in the picture - was a gift from Never Enough who wrote, "You are all these things"..... on the card. She was always sending me little notes or meme's about courage and staying strong. Well... *before* I was gay..... AFTER I was gay.... the cards and the notes and the meme's dried up totally......
Sooo..... I couldn't help but wonder, other than me..... what had changed?
Part Two tomorrow.