A full blog.
The last year has been soooo full of change. Change I resisted and fought and prayed would go away..... change I accepted and welcomed.... and changes that I made.
It's hard at the same time - because deep down.... I never wanted any of this. Yes yes.... I'm not whining..... I promise. But Hail Mary and I were just talking about this the other night because I feel like once you become a Mom you become several different people: Mom, Wife, Business Owner/Worker, Friend... etc.
First and foremost is: Mom.
As a Mom.... I have to admit that I still *don't* want any changes. I want my kids to grow up in the nuclear family that created them and made certain promises to raise them.... I have to come to realize that *this* is the last part of the past that I have to find a way to put to bed. Not bury, mind you.... but - put to bed. I need to find a way to let go of this because I can't go back in time. I can't change anything about the past and what happened and whatever.....
But I would if I could.
Hail Mary understands this. Which, is really kind of amazing.
I often think back to standing on the checkerboard floor of my kitchen and saying, "What's going on.....? Is there something wrong? Do we need to talk.....? " and getting back.... "We're fine. Stop asking."
The truth is... it didn't matter if I was asking or not, the writing was on the wall, beds were being made and slept in (not alone for that matter) and changes were afoot. I could feel them back them... like tiny earthquakes makes me feel uneasy and scared about the future.... our future.
Even then, I never dreamed my future would involve a woman.
As Mom's we *always* do our best to "shield" our children from things that we think are bad - people, music, movies, situations.... whatever. We want to protect them and keep them and their world and their hearts.... safe. *HOW* to do this has been re-defined for me on *almost* a daily basis...
I debate and discuss this with so many of my friends and The Bubbie and Hail Mary.... the truth is, I won't really know if I've made the right or wrong decisions until it's too late to change any of them because the kids will be grown. but.... isn't that the challenge *every* parent faces......?
First our family changed.
Then our home changed.
Then their bed changed (yes... that counts dammit. lol)
Then their co-parent set up changed with La Novia taking a (welcomed) role in their lives.
Then we met Hail Mary..... and everything changed, at least for me.
And .... now for them, too.
I knew I was ready to trust someone. Okay.... well, kind of.... I'll kind of always be a bit sensitive in that area..... it's like breaking your ankle. You know how people say, after their ankle heels, that they can "feel" the rain coming on because it makes their joints hurt more?
I think my "joints" are always going to hurt more and be a little more sensitive to 'emotional rain'... if you know what I mean. The challenge, of course, is to make sure that I only get our my 'umbrella' for *actual* rain, not the imagined, accusatory, ruin-a-perfectly-good-relationship-kind.... but I think that's pretty normal.
So I knew I was ready trust... and then of course there was the whole deciding I'd rather bang girls than boys change.... that was a big one that we don't need to dissect here because there are plenty of Posts already on The Blog regarding it..... but yes: HUGE CHANGE.
Change for me.
Change for the kids.
Change for El Capitan.
Change for my family and friends....... and with the exception of ONE friend... they are all still here for me.
I'm so grateful for that........
However, more changes were coming.... where to school the children and how.... where to work and what about childcare.....? The school located locally to where we had been living were not..... super great. Our own friends have bailed out of a few of them, with nothing nice to say.... so I was beginning to worry.
I have to go to work and get a "real" job. Photography is *great* and has been an amazing career for me for the last 18 years..... 18 years. That's just *crazy* to think about. Crazy... but true. I love doing the work, and I love my clients (most of them, anyway) even more.... but it's not enough to 'keep the lights on' AND start putting away for any kind of retirement that doesn't have me living in a cardboard box under a bridge.
No. I'm serious. lolol
So I need a "real" job with benefits and whatnot... which means no home school and some kind of school/day care situation. So everything kept circling around sending The Boy to public school..... and there didn't seem to be any answers that worked for us locally. Until Hail Mary came along.
Hail Mary is.... a problem solver.
We like that about her.
It's just..... it's so hard to put *any* of your 'eggs' in anyone else's basket when the bottom keeps falling out of every basket you start to trust...... especially when one basket turns out to be a bit of a 'basket case'.....
It's hard to put yourself out there - and it's even harder when it's NOT JUST YOU. It's harder when you have two kids who are holding onto you for their own emotional stability and well being.... it's harder to take a chance and just trust...... so. f*cking. hard.
I actually called El Capitan to talk about this.... strange, I know. But I called him and we talked about how *easy* it was to fall in love back then..... I didn't have two kids to protect and care for - it was just me - and it seemed so easy and natural to just throw caution to wind and run off and get married.
It felt exhilarating and romantic and run.
What was exhilarating in my twenty's now feels nauseating in my thirties. lololol
And then, of course, we were together for *ten years* - so having only known him for just three weeks when we got married becomes irrelevant because you would *think* after ten year you *know* someone... but ... yeah: sometimes you don't. lol
So we talked about that and how *this* time I have all these intense feelings for Hail Mary but no "sure" column to put them in.... fear and ... well - just fear: it rains fear sometimes and I can't seem to find an 'umbrella' big enough to get a break from it. It's just soaking in all the time.
El Capitan and I talked about that. About my fears and whatnot..... I know that sounds strange - but he was my best friend for ten years - he knows me better than a lot of people.... and in the 'romantic sense' - he knows me better than anyone else. So, it seemed like a good idea to talk things out with him.
And it was.
The school next to Hail Mary is a good school.
A *really* good school.
In a top rated school district........ so, Hail Mary proposed that we move to her area so that The Boy could have the opportunity to go to that school......
So I did as much research as I could, and El Capitan did as well... and The Bubbie and The Papa. We read online reviews and I found people to talk to me about the school.... and (for the most part), it all sounds really good.... so then it came down to moving.
This means we're more than 30 minutes away from Bubbie and Papa. No more "built in" babysitting service... lol. Which is fine to give up in terms of going on socially, but *much* harder to walk away from in terms or childcare while I'm working... which is super scary.
Believe it or not.... when it came down to whether or not the kids and I were going to go live with Hail Mary - it wasn't really a conversation with Hail Mary.... I already knew what my heart wanted to do. No - *this* was a conversation for El Capitan. Again.
I know..... he didn't talk to me before he moved in with La Novia. I didn't have a choice.... and, for a while, we all suffered the consequences of those actions..... *however* - that doesn't mean I get to just go and do whatever the *f*ck* I want to. I wish it did..... but it doesn't.
The Mom in me say's so...... She can be such a pain the ass sometimes.... hahaha
So I went back to El Capitan again and we talked... and talked.
He likes Hail Mary. He likes the school and we agreed that this presented a positive opportunity for our kids.... and so - with El Capitan's help, the decision was made: we were moving in with Hail Mary.
Yup. You read that right.
AND..... drum roll please: El Capitan MOVED US IN with Hail Mary.
Picked-up the truck.
Drove the truck.
Loaded the truck.
and.... un-loaded the truck at Hail Mary's house.
Actually, El Capitan & Hail Mary did the loading and the un-loading together.... which was fine and drama-free... and *that's* a little crazy because that day - moving day.....
THAT day - the day my ex-husband helped me move into my girlfriends house - *that* day is the first day in 16 months that I spent *that* much time with El Capitan..... I haven't spent more than a few hours with him since April 18th of 2012.
It's a lot faster than Hail Mary and I had planned..... but the school year is starting and commuting that far every day doesn't make a ton of sense..... and no matter how we looked at it - moving in was the best/easiest/smoothest option for the three of us.
Hail Mary is like that.... she just wants things to be good for the *three* of us.
I've been a bit afraid of blogging about Hail Mary... for fear that it'll all go wrong again and I'll be left cleaning up the pieces... there's been too much of that this last year and a half. But.... I suppose you have to be willing to take a chance and make changes you believe *at the time* are for the best.... and just hope and pray that they are.
Hail Mary is kind and committed... or at least she better be committed. lolol (see... that's my ankle worried about rain and putting up my umbrella)..... she's patient and amazing.... yeah, I'll just leave it at that: Hail Mary is amazing.
Today I registered The Boy for 'real school' and he's scared.... but they are both excited about their new room (more on that later) and they like living with Hail Mary. This option was discussed at length with both of them before I made the final decision.... I hope when they grow up they feel like they had an actual say in what we did and didn't do.....
Visitation with El Capitan was worked out - and a plan for the kids to stay with The Bubbie and The Papa on a regular basis..... and then everyone worked together to pack up our toys and our clothes and our life and move us to Hail Mary's place.
And I had to start working on packing up my emotional past.... so that I can make this change fear and worry free.... as best I can. So that I can give this person and this new beginning the fresh start it deserves..... which I really hope I'm already doing.
Last night Hail Mary joked that while she knows that I picked her name while were still 'just friends' and it was an athletic reference..... she pointed out that, in the end - she appears to have been the 'hail mary' we all needed.... too true, it seems.... too true.
So.... the joke is:
What does a lesbian bring to the second date?
A: A Uhaul.
Well.... it's not the *second* date... hahahaha - but we've been Uhauled.
ps..... it might be 48 hours before I can post again.... .sorry kids. :)