I really hate making huge life decisions...... being a parent and an adult really blows sometimes.
In the first place, I decided to go to CNA1/CNA2 school. This really *isn't* a huge 'departure' for me because I spent a lot of my childhood thinking I might become a nurse and .... I like people. I like talking to people and taking care of people..... when I lived in London Drew's Mom was the head manager at an agency that took care of Old Age Pensioners. We would do everything from grocery shop for them to bathe them and care for them.... and it was fine.
I used to have this policy with the older gentleman that I would wash "as far up as 'possible' and as far down as 'possible'" but THEY had to wash "possible". hahahahaha
I liked doing that job because I would always think to myself - 'this is someone's beloved Grandma - so I should take extra good care of them like I would want someone to take care of my own Grandma'. Plus, being in London they usually had *really* cool stories to tell you about the War and stuff... that was pretty rad.
However, this means that The Boy will be going to public school.
It also means The Girl will be going to some kind of daycare situation.....
Puke. Sigh. Cry......
Because...... we are moving. We're not moving super far away, but far enough away that The Bubbie won't be able to watch the kids for me anymore..... however, the schools in our area aren't stellar - and where *are* going is in HUGE part due to the amazing school that's there. (and a few other reasons, too.)
This move is mostly for the kids though. It's a chance to get The Boy into a great school and hopefully he'll be happy there which will create a space for me to go to work without feeling totally guilty about not homeschooling him anymore. I think it's our best chance at public school success.....
It's a pretty big deal to move though - and thankfully El Capitan agreed and doesn't have an issue with driving a bit farther for pick-ups and drop-offs, which is kind of cool.....
I AM STILL GOING TO BE WORKING AS A PHOTOGRAPHER...... I will just have to commute a bit more to get to my sessions, that's all. :)
The thing is.... I *have* to do this. I can't keep putting my 'eggs' in someone else's basket. When I married El Capitan I was still in college and while I did finish my associates degree in English (f*cking shocker that, eh?) - I bailed on getting my four year so that he could go to college. At the time I thought - 'he's the man, he's the main provider, so he should go instead of me'. And yeah.... that kind of worked out... until he decided to start 'providing' for someone else. lololol
At this point in my life I have to start being able to handle my own sh*t. That means reasonable pay and benefits and a retirement and stuff..... and I can't just *Assume* that my partner will provide those things for me.... in the first place- ME AND MY KIDS are *my* financial responsibility. I want to be able to take care of us on my own because I don't want anyone (of their family or friends) to see me as some kind of single Mom who wants someone else to pay my bills while I sit at home. Second, I need to know that if the worst *ever* happens again.... I can handle it.
We all know I can handle the emotional holocaust.... but I have to be able to survive financially. So. These changes Must. Be. Made. Period.
So today I took The Boy out to the back porch.... tissue's in hand, I was *really* trying to hold my sh*t together. I sat him down and I was honest with him..... I told him that when he was a baby that his Dad and I made the plan to home-school him and that I would stay home and raise him instead of get a job.
Then I said, but things changed when Dad left and now Mom has to work to pay bills and stuff which means that I can't stay home anymore and The Boy said.... "So I have to go to public school, huh?"
Smart little bugger he is.
And then I started crying.... I feel soooo much as though I have let him down. Having to trade in his childhood for a paycheck feels LIKE. SH*T.
The Boy patted me on the back and said, "It's ok Mom.... I'm going to be shy at first because I won't know anyone - but I'll wait for the teacher and the new school friends to get to know me and then we'll all be friends and it'll be fine."
WHAT? Seriously. So then I cried harder.
I told him that I was sorry and that if it could be any other way: it would be. THEN I had to tell him that we'll be leaving The Bubbie's house to be able to get to this new school and that they will only be seeing Bubbie and Papa during the weekend.... to which The Boy said, "We can come back to stay for a weekend? It'll be like a vacation!!!" And he was *still* happy.
So after my conversation with The Boy, I had a few meetings and some planning to do to set this new plan in motion.... a plan nearly *all* of my friends don't even know about..... Seems like my life is a series of phone calls to friends...... "El Capitan cheated, we're getting divorced." "I'm a lesbian." "We're moving".
You know... you can say a lot of things about me.... and *many* an internet Troll already has.... but at least I'm never boring.... right? hahaha
My afternoon was filled with errands and finishing client work and then we waited for Hail Mary to come over.
I'm not sure what happened to my kids... but they *Really* like Hail Mary. Alllllll afternoon it was, "When is [Hail Mary] coming over?" and "Are we going to see [Hail Mary] tonight?"
Hail Mary has had a few football injuries and tonight, after work, she had an appointment with a therapist to have some work done so she wouldn't be coming over until right around their bedtime, so I told them that as a special treat we would go out for ice cream when Hail Mary came over.
As promised, we piled into the car and headed off to 31 Flavors for ice cream and after the kids had "tasted" various options, the settled on their usual mint chocolate chip and chocolate that they always get. We all sat down at those little tiny circle tables and out of the motherf*cking BLUE The Boy say's:
"You know, [Hail Mary], my Mom has dated lots of girls......"
To which Hail Mary throws me a raised eyebrow and laughs.... mostly because she *knows* that I haven't AND she knows that he now thinks EVERY single butch lesbian I'm friends with is someone I've dated.... Keller, Keebler, Mia, Bella..... poor kid. lololol
"Oh...." Hail Mary replies, "has she?"
"Yeah, she has.... but I think you're the girl for her." The Boy states matter of factly.
I'm freaking gobsmacked..... and you know, secretly I'm thrilled that this conversation is happening while *Everyone* is wearing their pants and *not* taking a sh*t. At least I'm going to get ONE 'Hallmark' moment like it's supposed to happen in the movies.....
"Well, that's great, but I guess I have to ask YOU if YOU think I'm the girl for you - because you guys are kind of a package deal and I can't be with your Mom unless you're happy, too." Hail Mary said... BUT - most importantly, she said it while maintaining eye contact with The Boy. She never looked at me as though to say - 'look what I'm doing' or.... like as though she were asking for show .... she was *genuinely* asking The Boy if she was 'the girl' for them.
"Oh yeah," The Boy said nodding, "I think you're the gal for us [Hail Mary]."
and there's that GAL thing *again*!!!! Which I was stoked he said because I wasn't so sure Hail Mary believed me when I told her what he told me int he bathroom.... who the *HELL* say's gal around my kid? It sure as sh*t isn't me.... so it's funny that he keeps using that word.
"Well, cool - because I think you guys are great and I think your Mom is pretty great and I'm thinking she might be the girl for me, too." Hail Mary told The Boy.
And then everyone went on eating their ice cream until The Girl jumped up holding out her empty cup and announced that she had "beat" us all and finished "first" ....
I'm not entirely sure how to process things..... I mean - the kids have been around most of my friends - we've hung out with Keebler TONS... and Keller - and not ONE TIME did he ever say such a thing.... except when Carhartt and I broke up he said, "Well, good because now you can marry Keebler ......" lolol Which cracked me up at the time and I explained to him that I wasn't going to date Keebler, that we were just friends.
I haven't been grooming him, or prepping him or anything.... we really haven't talked much about Hail Mary - and yet he seems to have so many opinions.
The irony is that my son, like most people, seems to think that all lesbians are having sex with/dating all their female friends.... hahahaha - which I'm not.... and frankly most of us don't.
But the good news is that Hail Mary got the green light from The Boy- without me even asking... that's kind of awesome..... and a little bit confusing.... like the books say that the kids will usually reject a new person because of fears that I will "leave" or they will be "less important" with a new adult in the picture. However... my kids are welcoming La Novia and Hail Mary with open arms and eager smiles..... I'm not sure how to interpret that....
Hopefully it's not because El Capitan and I have sucked so bad that they can't wait to replace us. lolol
No seriously.... I might *actually* be a tad worried about that.