It's funny how much we teach our children to 'go for their dreams' and 'do something you believe in', but the reality is…. usually what we *want*to do with our lives: doesn't pay the bills.

Photography is quite literally the only thing I've done for a living since I was 19 years old.  My first camera was a Canon EOS 10-s with standard amateur 3.5 lens'.  Nothing special.  However, it was *that* camera that did a good portion of my early photography work that was getting published all around the UK and landing me more and more jobs.

It wasn't until I made friends with a photographer, Scarlet, backstage at the Reef show for The Brat Awards in…. 1995? - that I made the change to Nikon. 

Scarlet had seen me around at a few shows and came up to me as we were all leaving the venue to go to the after party with Reef and rather boldly asked me "where the hell [I] came from?".  You see, I hadn't really 'paid my due' so-to-speak, I just kind of showed up and started shooting shows and bands and what not.  Scarlet had gone to Uni for photography and worked for one of the most famous and notoriously rude rock photographers in the world - AND THEN - she was working on her own…. so she was shocked as sh*t to find me with so many photo and backstage passes. lol

The Bubbie calls it the Luck of The Irish.

In the UK we call it blaggin'….. I can 'blag' (or talk) my way into anything.

Anyhow.  Scarlet was die hard Nikon and on my next trip home to America she sent me with a shopping list:  Nikon N90, fixed 28mm at 2.8, fixed 50mm at 2.8 and one telephoto to 200, and SB-26 flash head.  The Bubbie helped me buy the telephoto lens and the flash and my Grandma and her husband Morrie gave me $1,000 for the rest of it.

I prayed soooooo many nights to G*d that I would take good pictures - get published and keep getting hired.  I worked so hard, I *tried* so hard.  I never put out.  I never made out.  I never got high or drunk or anything….I stayed sober and used each show as a chance to network my way into that band, their management or the venue's staff.  I made a lot of friends…. had a great time - saw most of Europe from the back of a tour bus and had kind of a f*cking awesome time.

I was lucky.... very lucky.  I did pretty good as a rock photographer, I met every goal I set for myself - which is pretty rad.  However….. touring life for a girl can be lonely.  I wanted a family.  The only thing I've ever wanted to do more than photography is be a Mom and have kids.   Period. 

When I moved back to American I started doing photography again and soon, I had a small business up and running.  My clients, for the most part, incredibly loyal… which is *shocking* because at times I can be incredibly slooooooow at getting them their finished images.

Like.  Painfully. Slow.  Seriously. lololol

I think it's a combination of the fact that I actually *care* about my clients.  Like - I really actually do care about them…. *most* of my clients become my friend and I really love that.  I'm also pretty damn good at what I do… kids usually like me (a lot) and I'm reasonably priced (otherwise read as "too cheap" according to most photographers I know).

My work, my lighting and my style are very consistent.  Most of my clients get around 150 images finished in three finishes….. right now I have a family who I've shot since the Mom was pregnant with their 21/2 year old- and it's over 600 images…. straight color, faded/hazy/popular color, and B&W.  This way you Moms can scrapbook your hearts out in color or B&W or both and you don't need to come back to me to ask for more images in a different finish.  So…people get a lot for their money - oh… and they get allll that on a DVD at full resolution for them to print however and wherever they like.

If you know *anything* about getting your families portraits done, then you know that that's kind of awesome. hahahaha

When we had the house I had a small studio there (built for me by a client), but that went with the house when we sold it.  So now I'm back to doing on-location work, which I love as well.  But…. long term, I'm not sure that there is enough work to keep me going as a single parent.  It seems like there are more 'photographers' in every town than there are cockroaches.  Which is fine... competition is a good thing - however, I'll be *super* blunt.... people generally do NOT know what actual "good" photography is.  

I can't tell you how many times I've gone to someone's house and they are soooooo proud of their recent photos with another photographer (of which they are lucky to get 30 - 50 "finished" images) and they stand there and tell me how much they "LOVE" them.... when I'm standing there looking at under-exposed, dark, grainy, sh*tty images with the eyes digitally drawn on and whatnot..... sigh.

The point being - when literally *anyone* can go to Costco, buy a solid camera, built a blog and open a "studio".... it gets harder and harder to actually make a *living* doing what I love.

So I'm at a cross roads….. not only do I have to give up the career I spent the last 18 years building… but I have to give up being able to work from home.  Okay…. I know - break out the f*cking violins… right?  I mean there *are* single Moms who have it waaaaaay worse than that.  Waaaah…. do I have to give up my cushy, set-my-schedule-work-from-home dream job…..?

It's hardly the sacrifice that many parents have to make…. right?

It's just that…. I was telling Hail Mary today - it's the fact that I was a good wife and a good Mom and in spite of where I am now - it's unfair that I had my life ripped out from under me by someone I trusted…. the wheels El Capitan set in motion are *still* rolling over me… and no matter where I am now or who I'm with:  I resent the f*ck out of that.  Honestly.  I do.

More than that - having to give up being at home with the kids is .... brutal.
Sigh.

AND.  It's NOT that easy to do *anything* because obviously I'll have to give up homeschooling, BUT, The Girl is not old enough to attend public school which means she will have to go to daycare.  Ugh.... it pains me to type that.  Really.  No offense to *anyone* (the millions of people) who's children go to daycare.... it's just that I didn't choose this for me OR my kids... it was chosen FOR US.  Frustration boiling.... 
Damn.

So, it's an overly complicated problem to try to solve with money when I have to WORK full time to *make* money, but The Boy will have to go to some kind of care program after school and The Girl will have to go to some kind of all-day program.... BOTH of those will cost $$$$$$.

Sadly..... being a Mom doesn't pay in anything more than kisses and hugs - which I tried *really* hard to convince t-mobile and Aetna to accept those as payment as well...but it didn't work. hahaha

The cost of my cobra is literally breaking me…. so now I have to decide on school - and I *think* that I've decided to do a CNA1, and then a CNA2 program.  The time you spend in school isn't too terribly long, the pay is decent and…. I'm hoping maybe I can find a caregivers type job?  And yes… I realize that I'll be changing bed pans, but I spend a lot of my time now wiping people's asses around here… so I figure I can do it for strangers, too. lol

Starting over at 38…. not the dream people…. Not. The. Dream.

So, now, instead of telling my kids to "follow their dreams" and "do a job they love" (which they might have to give up to do that thing called  'have health care')….. I think I'm going to raise them to be good people and fill their lives with even better people… so that no matter job they have to do, or what they have to give up - the time they spend outside their job will fill their life with enough love and happiness to make up for *not* doing 'what they love'.

At least that's what I'm hoping will work for me….. lololol

Tonight was fun..... dinner at Mia's house with good friends.... nothing like lesbian humor and a heavy discussion on locating good sperm online for some girl-on-girl baby making and what not.

Being the only person in the room who ever got pregnant (the "natural" way, even) - we had lots to talk about.... and it kind of made me wish I *could* have another baby..... I never thought I would regret tying my tubes, but I totally do..... 
Oh well.

Came home to find the kids still awake and driving The Bubbie nuts... so *I* go in there to snuggle them and tell them that it's time for them to go to bed - and they ask for Hail Mary to come in.

WTH?  lololol
So.... I came out and sent in Hail Mary who doled out the appropriate hugs and a friendly warning about going to bed.... and *then* to my surprise, when they *still* weren't settling down - Hail Mary went back in there to give them a stern (but appropriate) warning about having to go to bed.

For a second, it caught me off guard.  She just kind of .... naturally takes on a kind of responsibility for them - for their care and well-being and behavior.  In a weird way, it's almost like she's always been around - like an Aunt or a Godmother or longtime friend.... and not as a 'new edition' to things.
Crazy.

Crazy awesome for sure.... but still:  crazy.

When I first came out, lots of my lesbian friends warned me that I would (eventually) lose most of my 'straight' friends.... I told them - no way!  All my friends are so supportive and um.... fanf*ckingtastic!  I would never want to lose them.....  but the truth is - I kind of am.

They are all in their safe and secure Mommy-worlds - and I once knew that world - obsessed with the latest and greatest party decor on Pintrest and carpooling and whatever.... but, that was when I had *time* to do those things all day long.  Now I'm a single Mom juggling work and kids and schooling - and my free time for 'pinning things' is at an all-time low.  It's less of a lesbian thing - and more of a 'working single mommy' thing.

However,  my night life has changed considerably and I will admit.... a few friends have voiced their... 'concern' about that.  Up until Hail Mary, I went out..... a lot.  And... to be frank - a lot might be an understatement.  lololol

Portland is a *great* town to be gay in.... there is literally a show, a concert, an event, a nightclub - that can be gone to every single night of the week.  The community here has been great and welcoming and wonderful - so I'm never at a shortage of people to go with, or people I know will be at this place or that.  

So, once the kids go down (and yes, sometimes earlier) - I head out for the evening and usually come home around midnight... or later if I'm giving people rides home.  The thing is... I have to rebuild my life.  I have to make new friends and find people who I might be interested in dating... and to be frank: I'm not going to find that going to the latest Thirty-One party.... right?

So, to some extent it's a 'gay thing'.  Building this new life and a new social circle is rough - but the truth is, I would have HAD to do it if I were still going to date men.  It's a bad, bad, bad idea to date all the 'single' men that your friends are friends with - because if/when it doesn't work out, then people feel awkward about have you both over for the next BBQ or whatever.... 

It's better to start over, to start fresh and make new 'single' friends and find your own dates.... either way, I'd be going out a lot to make that happen.  

And, I *do* try to be understanding.... but some people have been kind of nasty with their comments - and a little too judgmental (imho).  I suppose it's to be expected - not only am I the only person (that they *know* of) who is a "late in life lesbian".... BUT - I'm also the first and ONLY person to get divorced among my mommy friends..... I can't really expect people to understand what it takes to start over and *really* get started and get moving..... and then a very mean part of me always thinks:  Yeah... go ahead and judge me, but I'll be the one you're coming to for advice when your sh*tty marriage comes to a screeching halt. lololol

That sounds harsh, but according to current statistics, nearly half of all my currently married friends will wind up divorced..... so it's safe to assume that a few of them will one day be wearing my dancing shoes.  They of course, will just be wearing them for men. 

At the same time though, I do sit back and look at the current direction and state of my life.  I'm trying to figure out schooling and a full-time job, and I'll be honest and say that I've gotten used to being able to go out any night of the week.  I've gotten used to having late night dinners at trendy places in PDX and lining up for ice-cream at The Salt and Straw for an hour.  All while keeping my family life separate and mostly during the daytime.....

However, things are different with Hail Mary.  I'm spending most of my time with her and a good portion of *that* time is now being spent with her, myself and the kids..... and it occurred to me over the weekend that things are going well.... *really* well.  Kind of scary well.

There's a joke in the lesbian community:

What does a lesbian bring to the second date?
A:  a uhaul.

Hence the term - 'uhaulin'.  As in - "Betty is busy uhauling Jessica, that's why we never see them."
Literally.

There's this kind of lesbian 'urge to merge' that gets hotly debated and acknowledged in our community.  Most of us try to fight it - fight against the urge to merge and against the uhaul stereotype.  Mia and I have discussed this at length (while we were both single)- and Mia felt very strongly that lesbians typically move fast because that's just the way girls are - we see something, we like, we tend to fall fast and hard - and we don't waste time moving on.... and she has a point.  

While Hail Mary hasn't parked a uhaul outside the house just yet.... I do kind of get the feeling that we're headed that direction and that perhaps..... just perhaps:  a uhaul isn't as far ahead in my future as I thought it might be.  There are *a lot * of emotions associated with that... for sure.  However, I've been caught off guard a little by my ..... not resistance - but it's weird to think about giving up all the freedom I currently have and kind of 'go back' to that life.... go back to cooking dinner every night and being with just one person all the time.... that's kind of scary as f*ck. 
Right?

I mean.... it all went to sh*t last time.  I put everything I had into my marriage - I looked forward *every* single day to El Capitan coming home..... we are *HOME.* BODIES.  to an extreme.....and I loved it.  I never really 'went out'.  I didn't go out on long weekends 'with the girls' or whatever.... I loved being a Mom and being *at home*.  

It's crazy to think about going back into that world.... back into a  place where I cook dinner every night and I'm *the* Mom.... and stuff.  Now... don't all of you go and panic.... lolol.  I'm just doing that things that girls do - and I'm thinking about things.  Just thinking about how our future might look and how *my* future might look.....  it's crazy to really think about all the changes that we've made as a family and as individuals in this family and how much we've come through.... 

Mostly, I'm really grateful that I've created a place for the children where they feel confident in *our* relationship and are willing to open themselves up another person.... perhaps I should take a page out of their book and do the same..... 

I've always been a bit of a Mommy dreamer.... long before Pintrest... Pintrist...?  Crap, I don't even know how to spell it. lololol

Anyhow.... before there was that crap there were movies and after-school specials upon which I placed all the hopes and dreams and romantic notions that I had for my future.

For instance:  

Marriage proposals are grandiose in nature - they happen at the Thanksgiving table while your whole family waits on the edge of their seats.... or at the local baseball field where a thousand fans on both sides of the dugouts cheer in wild approval..... 
Or.... not, as has always been the case for me.

Babies are born to the riotous screams of their mother while a dutiful father holds your hand and runs into a waiting room that's stuffed wall-to-wall with supportive and excited family and friends..... 
Or ..... not, as I had two clinical c-sections and El Capitan just sent out a blast text.
ah..... Modern technology - isn't it great?

I think we all know that I have long placed nearly all of my romantic expectations firmly in the hands of a "Lloyd Dobler"-esque person... and yes - I said "person".  Here's the thing - just because I dig chicks (and always have) doesn't negate that male/female romances have (as they have all of us) dominated my visions for my future.... the *difference* is that I wanted a *woman* who treated me the way that Lloyd treated Diane.  

I wanted to find a woman who *wanted* to take care of me.
A woman who thinks to clear the glass from my path.
A woman who makes me a mix-tape and holds it up outside my bedroom.....
A woman who holds my hand when I'm weak and makes me stronger simply by believing in me.

(Small, teensy, tiny fact..... it's a sh*t ton easier to find these qualities in other girls... just fyi. :) lol)

Anyhow...... as a parent I always envision that life's "big" moments will unfold while I'm swinging with my kids at the park, or just after we've done something huge and amazing and wonderful - like climbing a mountain or building the worlds greatest snowman..... however, we are sans any kind of good snow, we all *know* the only think I'm liable to climb is into my own bed and while we do *plently* of swinging and playing at the park.... these kinds of "big" life moments do NOT happen in any kind of romantic way when it comes to my kids....

Just this morning, The Boy and I were in the bathroom and one of these "big" moments takes places mid-tooth brushing/ass wiping...... 

The Boy:  Mommy, did [Hail Mary] have a sleep over?
Me:  Yes, remember we're going to the beach today - which is a two hour drive and [Hail Mary] lives 45 minutes away, so she stayed over so we can get going faster.

The Boy:  Ok.......
Me:  Is that ok?  May be I should have asked you how you felt about that before it happened?

The Boy:  Oh no! Mom!  It's totally fine.... totally.
Me:  Cool......

(spit/wipe/flush)

The Boy:  Are you married to [Hail Mary]?
Me (a little surprised):  Umm... no - not yet anyway.  What do you think about that, though - what if I did want to marry [Hail Mary] - do you have any thoughts about that?

The Boy - he's quiet for a second, then he say's:  I really like her Mom.  She's really cool - she helps me do math in my head and helps me count my pennies and hangs out with us..... 
Me:  Yeah - she's pretty cool, huh bud?

The Boy:  Yeah.... you know what, Mom?  ..... I think she might be the gal for you - I think you should marry her.
Me:  Well... I'm glad you feel that way.  I'm glad you like her - but you should know that you don't have to like her, just because I do.  And, if your feelings change, I want you to know that it's safe for you to tell me that, too.  Ok?

The Boy:  Mom.... I don't haaaave to like anyone - but I like [Hail Mary] - a lot.

(hand washing)

And that.... was that.

I'm not sure if I will marry Hail Mary or not... BUT - first of all... who the hell is teaching my kid a word like "gal"?  I'm mean seriously.... that's not cool...."gal"?  Not girl?  girlfriend?  lol.... The Boy is one crazy kid.... but on top of that - why the confessional while he's on the damn toilet?  This is a HUGE MOMENT in our lives - the acceptance of my girlfriend and my sons *approval* to add her to our FAMILY?
Regardless of whether or not it happens.... it would be *great* if this moment in time as a parent wasn't punctuated with the sound of a flushing toilet.....
Oh well... you can't have it all, can you? lololol

So on that note.... things *are* going really well with Hail Mary.  She's kind of great - and The Bubbie has fast become a pretty big fan herself.  The Girl seems to have taken to her - always asking to sit next to her at dinner or hold her hand when we go places.  

Today we took them to the beach and even though it wasn't sunny out (i.e. it was a very typical, overcast, windy and coldish day at the Oregon Coast) -we had a great time.  Hail Mary was the first one in the water - splashing around and chasing the kids through the waves and ... of course she was the last one out.

She's like a big kid... only cuter - and one I get to make out with. lolol :)

I, of course, was staying mostly dry and taking pictures and the three of them were jumping waves together - holding hands.... it really struck me.

Hail Mary is like.... well - she's a breathe of fresh air, to be honest.  She's open and happy and kind... so, so kind.  She's the kind of person you always want to be around because she's just so sunny and fun.
Hail Mary is fun.

It's like... she came along and *instantly* all of three of were having more fun in life.  She really *plays* with the kids, she connects with them. 

Today at the beach was all castle-building and body-burying and wave-jumping and good times... until The Girl got too much sand in her swimsuit and started crying and *refused* to take another step.... so we packed up our sand toys and towels and then...... 

Hail Mary carried The Girl (all 50lbs of her) the 1/2 mile IN. THE. SAND. back to the street.  
I'm not gonna' lie.... that's kind of hot. lololol

At the same time.... it's strange.  I've been a single parent for a while now... and if I'm being honest - probably since a bit before I even knew about La Novia: I was doing a lot of this alone.

Having someone here who actually *helps* and doesn't play on their phone or fall asleep or is "too tired" or just "worked all week" or whatever excuses I've heard in the past.... to have someone just there to PLAY with them, hang out with us, being an extra pair of *helpful* hands is awesome.... but it's also going to take me some time to get used to it.... 

So, in spite of having a heavy chest all weekend... we had a great time together, in no small part because Hail Mary was there holding all our hands, making us laugh and jumping waves with us....
Sigh.

Today started so well.

I had one client job finished and another in the runner…. almost finished.  I had lunch plans with Bella (super awesome because I hadn't seen her in like two weeks!!!!!) and then I was headed to Wal Mart for some grocery shopping.

My plan for the night included making dinner for Hail Mary, the Bubbie and the kids.

Instead I was getting an EKG, blood panel, chest x-rays and bags of IV fluid.

Good times.

All was going just fine until I was heading up the mac & cheese aisle at Wal Mart - Velveeta & Shells is The Girls' favorite and as I pushed the cart up the aisle I noticed that it got harder and harder to breathe.  Ok…. ok….. not in *that* way - my cart wasn't overly full, I wasn't strained…. but it started to feel like someone was sitting on my chest…..

Weird.  May be it's indigestion, I wondered?

I kept shopping…. as you do.

But as I leaned over to grab the mac & cheese, my hands and feet and legs started tingling, then my jaw…. then my head?  Wait… my head?  It was the strangest feeling.  The next thing I knew the woman in the aisle with me had her hand on my back and I was struggling to stay conscious by holding onto the edges of the cart and struggling to breathe.

Hhhmm….. I mean, we all know how much I love Wal Mart… but this level of 'excitement' seemed a bit much.

I regained my composure, thanked the nice lady and carried on with my shopping.

My chest felt tighter and tighter.  WTH?

I made it up to the checkout and my checker was chatting away….. a few minutes later she said, "Did I say something to offend you?"

No……?  I looked at her and asked why she would ask me that.

She didn't answer right away, she just kept checking my groceries, then she said, "Was I talking too loud?"

No again……? 

She paused for a second, then she asked me if I needed a chair to sit down?

Huh?  Oh wait….. I look down and I see my hands gripping the edges of the check register thing and I realize that I'm starting to get tingly and I'm starting to totally pass out at this point.  The manager comes over and puts an arm around my waist and I struggle against to remain upright. 

Now I'm getting scared.  Employees are talking about whether or not they need to call 911… I assure them I'm fine.  They insist on walking me out to the car and loading in my bags for me and I decide that instead of going home - I should probably head to the ER up the road.

I get to the ER and now my legs feel like lead balloons, my chest is so tight it feels like someone has their hand on it just pressing down - this steady pressure…… my jaw is still tingling off and on and I'm sweating and I'm starting to feel like I want to throw up.

I mumbled these collective nothingness of symptoms to the girl at the front desk and seconds later I'm hooked up to beeping machines and wires and I over hear someone with a badge that say's, RN CEN tell someone else that I might be having a heart attack…..

HEARTF*CKINGATTACK?

Dude…. I'm 38.  I have no cholesterol or blood pressure or diabetes or NOTHING….. how the hell am I having a heart attack?!?!?!?!

I remember at the back of my mind that sometimes a panic attack can feel like a heart attack?????  So I decide to put on the playlist that Hail Mary made for me, plug in my headphones and ingnore the hustle and bustle of the room…. just relax… just breathe.

The Bubbie was at home with my kids and watching another baby in the family and I knew that she couldn't get to me until after 4, so I decided to wait to call her until then.

Hail Mary lives 45 minutes away and even though I knew she would be off work soon, I also knew that Thursday is her running night and she's getting ready for a race next week….. and she won't be done running until 6:30, so I don't call her either.

I just lay there, buried under warmed blankets (in spite of my little fits of 'sweats' I was having) - concentrating on trying to relax and breathe….. but my body feels heavier and heavier, my head aches and my chest feels like someone is now sitting on it.

A doctor say's they are going to check me for everything because the symptoms are consistent with 'heart attack' but I'm in good health and he doesn't see an obvious reason that would be happening, so they will rule that out and then go after other reasons….. a whole litany of illness' and diseases are said- but I don't remember any….. autoimmune something, pleurisy, virus….. blood clots, organ issue's…..

Dude…I was JUST AT DISNEYLAND…. how the hell did I end up here?

Then I just fall asleep, which is a really bad habit I have when I'm upset or worried or really angry… I just fall asleep.

I wake up sometime later and call the Bubbie - because the cold groceries are still in my car and she needs to come get them.  She shows up a short time later with a very upset and worried Boy and Girl in tow…. and I feel terrible that they see me like this.  I ask her to call Hail Mary at 6:30 when I think she'll be done with her run…..

At 7:08 Hail Mary comes bursting through my sliding glass door - and the first thing she does is *demand* to know why I didn't call her hours earlier when I was admitted….. I tell her that I didn't want her to miss her run….

I'm covered in wires and an IV and little sticky things that wires plug into …. I must look pretty freakin' sexy, I think to myself…. it's not enough that I've lost *all* my dignity by having to wear an ass-open hospital gown, now I'm covered in sticky stuff and I have my period…so, this just couldn't be any more unpleasant…. oh wait:  except for the fact that I *still* feel like my legs are asleep and I can't breathe.

Sigh.

Hail Mary immediately sits at my bedside, she's saying sweet things and stroking my hair.  I tell her my legs hurt and she jumps up and heads to the nurses' station…. she comes back with hand lotion and the next thing I know, she's rubbing my feet and calves - which she notes are *waaaaaay* tight and full of cramps…. yes - I know.  lololol

Aren't Butch girls the best?  I'm in a hospital and she's not sitting in the chair next to the bed playing on her phone….. no….. she's holding my hand and rubbing my feet… and when my bed get's all twisted up, she remakes the entire thing putting special care to put the softest blanket on the bottom….  yeah:  dating girls is freaking awesome.

I'm in out and sleep and trying to remain calm and breathe - but secretly I'm freaking out because when I'm not thinking about the kids, I'm wondering if it's just too soon in our relationship for Hail Mary to see me in such sorry state…..

Sigh.

Hours go by, more fluids, more tests…… the doctor comes back.

No autoimmune anything.

No liver, kidney or bladder issue's:  they all look good.

I'm not dehydrated… which explains why I'm *not* feeling better after all the fluids in the IV.

My electrolytes are fine.

My EKG and heart tests are fine.

No blood clots….. no signs of pleurisy.

But I'm clearly not well, and the doctor says he thinks it's inflammation in my chest wall which is pressing down making it harder to breathe and causing my symptoms that mirror that of a heart attack. 

More tests are ordered and he'll be back later…..

Hail Mary never leaves me except to call The Bubbie and fill her in on what the doctor said. Then she's back to rubbing my feet or calves or holding my hand.

After I sleep for a while and the meds are working, I start to feel less groggy and weird and my chest feels a bit better - but there is still pressure…..

After a 5 hour stay in the ER it is decided that I had an infection in my throat - only minor as my tonsil is only a little inflamed still and I barely had a sore throat last week which I chalked up to the smog in LA…. but this infection went down in my chest wall causing inflammation - the pressure, the hard time breathing and other symptoms.

Good times…..see - that's just me.  You *think* I'm having a heart attack… and it's a f*cking glorified chest cold?  lololol…. no no - the doctor say's - not a chest cold - this is an inflammation in the lining of your chest, which is a little different and doesn't respond to cold meds, you need anti-inflammatory meds.

Prescriptions are written and everyone clears the room and Hail Mary stays to help me get dressed…. turning her back at times when she knows I'm not ready for her to see me like that…. How great is that?  How totally awesome is Hail Mary…….?

So… all is well.  I have pills to take and there won't be any down-hill skiing in my near future until the lining of my chest returns to normal….. but I'm pretty ok with that plan.

What a week…… I swear - if I wasn't living in my own skin, I wouldn't believe any of this happened.  Crazy…. just crazy.

AND FOR THE RECORD, I had no idea was "having a heart attack" looked like - and I guess it's not at all like the movies……?  (Neither is finding true love or childbirth - so I'm not sure why I believed their heart attack scenarios… but I did…. lololol)  Here is a link to some helpful information:

http://www.heart.org/HEARTORG/Conditions/HeartAttack/WarningSignsofaHeartAttack/Heart-Attack-Symptoms-in-Women_UCM_436448_Article.jsp

So, today it happened.

I wasn't sure if it *would* happen.  Before I came out I contacted the original photographer who did my Fox News story initially and told him that I would be coming out "officially" on facebook and on The Blog - and did he think it would be something they would want to talk to me about.

I was nervous when I asked..... but I felt like I should let them know - they did such a good job covering my story the firs time.....

Anyhow, much to my surprise (though a happy one for sure) - he told me that he didn't think it was actually newsworthy.... though they were both very happy for me - they didn't think it was a story that warranted covering.  I was thrilled..... elated, even.  And then he said..... "But, other news outlets might feel different - so be who you are, but brace yourself.".

It was the reason El Capitan and La Novia didn't want me to come out on The Blog when I came out to them - we all worried what (if any) media storm could potentially take over our lives..... and we were all thrilled when nothing happened a few months ago.....

And then today:  the phone rang.

It rang and I let it go to voice mail.
Then it ran again.
And again....... same number.

I checked the voice mail and it was a Producer from a TV show who wanted to talk about The Sign and "recent developments" on The Blog.  

hmmmm.........Hail Mary asked me who called, and I told her and she looked at my quizzically..... "Are you going to call them back....?"   You know, in that respect, it's *a lot* to ask someone - *anyone* - but especially someone who is also gay - to date me.  At some point they also run the risk of being "exposed" on a national stage for who they are and who they choose to be with..... that choice being me.  lololol

I told her that I didn't know - that I would have to think about it..... it kind of goes back to the same thing El Capitan and I faced *after* The Sign went so viral - do we hide from it all or face it head-on and answer questions and be visible?  Well, and clearly by *we* I mean to say - just me. hahahaha

So, I thought about it..... and then I decided .... f*ck it.
Whatever is going to be is going to be..... I mean - what about if I get married again one day?  The Producer at Good Morning America told me (last year) that anytime I do something like get married again or whatever, it'll probably be something the media picks up on..... I'm guessing if I marry a cute, sweet Butch girl:  that's gonna' get someone's attention. May be not..... 

But - do I care? I mean..... I don't know.  I *do* worry about a hate crime...... they happen you know. Case in point:  Carhartts face. :(     But, ultimately, I can't just live in a closet for the rest of my life because I'm afraid of what someone is going to write about me or say about me.... I mean - let's face it, *last year* there was sooooo much sh*t people wrote about me and *a lot* of it wasn't flattering..... 

So if someone wants to add 'dyke' to that list.... well, then let 'em.

Oh HEY!  I just googled myself and I only got 28,000 returns!!!!!! Rad.... there used to be over 180,000 just a few months ago.... that's fantastic.  Mind you... it still fills my name into the search field... that's kind of nutty.

Anyhow.  I called the Producer back. They asked me how the last year has been - about inviting La Novia into the family and changing her name on The Blog.... I guess they've been doing some 'light' reading as of late... lolol.... and eventually my gayness came up.

So, I answered everything openly and honestly - and explained the timeline of when I came out to my family and online, etc.... and they took notes.

I have no idea if/where/what they will cover or when..... but at least I know I was honest.  

I was out.
I was visible.

I've been hiding in a closet for 37 years..... and I'm done hiding.  I don't know what the consequences of that choice will be - but it can't be worse than living someone else's life and pretending.  It can't be worse than never feeling comfortable in your own skin.

The Producer asked me if my local LGBT community accepted me.... I replied that I have found *nothing* friendship and acceptance in my LGBTQ community (we can't forget our GenderQueer/Transgender counterparts here!!!!) - and how while *I* was actually worried if people in this community *would* write me off because of my "straight" past and The Sign and whatnot..... that I should have never worried about that because Portland is an AMAZING place and the LGBTQ community here is nothing short a blessing.....

I have never been happier and my life only became even *more* full of amazing friends who accept and inspire me and encourage me- *daily*.  I quite literally count my blessings every single day.

They were quiet for a second, then we said goodbye..... so who knows if/when that'll all end up somewhere, I guess we'll have to wait and see.

In the meant time...... A Hail Mary update:  things are going.... good.  Really good, in fact.  Almost too good..... too good in the respect that I have to keep fear and doubt at bay...... I mean - *is* it possible to meet someone *really* amazing and wonderful AND have it work out.....?  

Will she tire of me and leave me, too?
Will she cheat on me.....?
Will she turn out to be as awesome as I believe she is.......?

But.  Nothing grows in fear:  not friendship.
Not love.

So, I'm keeping the fear and worries and doubts at arms length and just trying to create a space for our relationship to grow and be healthy.....because what I *do* know is that people like Hail Mary don't come along very often..... it's just one more thin that makes me incredibly lucky.

Oh.... and on the note of dating Butch Girls - it's totally fantastic that when your hair-tie breaks, they hand you one of theirs..... yeah:  that's kind of awesome.  :)

I'm SOOOOOO sorry.  I know I said I was back and then I've been spotty...... but we were driving the last two days - and when we stop at the Noni's house - we don't have cell or internet service.... so no blogging can be done.  And *after* driving for 12 hours yesterday I could barely see let alone blog.... so here is my LATE entry for YESTERDAY :)  Sorry kids.

FYI..... still on the road - still suffering (First World Style) with slow WiFi and a broken keyboard.... 

Just like our last trip to the LA area, it's not possible to come here and not visit all the usual places I went to when I was a kid - so when the kids and I drove to pick up Grandma in Burbank, our next stop was lunch at Bobs Big Boy in Taluca Lake.

It's one of the original Bob's - and features a working car hop.  The Bubbie used to work here decades ago and The Boy has taken on my love of collecting Bob's Big Boy piggy banks... so the kids always ask to come here when we get Grandma.

Sadly.... while Grandma has been the wisest of people in our family extoling advice and Jewish guilt like a true pro..... she is fading fast.  She's been having chest pains and other issue's - and perhaps the saddest thing is her memory loss......  Our lunch goes like this:

Gma:  Did you drive down....?
Me:  Yes - it took 17 hours, we stayed with Noni.
Gma:  Who.....?
Me:  Noni - Mom's best friend since gradeschool......?
Gma:  Oh - did you drive down?
Me:  Yes, we drove down from Portland. 
Gma:  Did you get a hotel room on the way down?
Me:  No, we stayed with Noni.....

This goes on and on for 15 minutes or so until she changes gear:

Gma:  Do you still have your house?
Me: No, remember we had to sell it.....?
Gma:  Why did you have to sell it?
Me:  Because El Capitan and I got divorced.... remember?

And.... then we talk about that for five minutes until ten minutes I get:

Gma: So how is the house......?

Sigh.......

We continued on like this through lunch, repeating the same conversations over and over and over to the point where The Boy was starting to look at me weird.  The Girl was engrossed in her chocolate shake and even though The Bubbie and I had discussed not telling my Grandma about my 'newfound' Lezzie status.... I though -f*ck it - she can't track where I live - surely she'll forget this in record time.... right?
We'll see about that...... lololol

The thing is, I've never lied to my Grandmother.  I have always adored my Grandparents and respected them and would never lie to them about anything., so when we were on our third go around of - "We sold the house, El Capitan cheated, we are divorced......" 

Grandma asked me, "So.... do you have a boyfriend now?"

I thought about what to say.  The Boy looked at me with an eyebrow raised and I could tell he was a bit confused.  I could hear The Bubbie in my head telling me that upsetting Grandma at this stage of life was a bit unfair and what not (she has a small point) - but...... to honor that meant lying.

I won't lie to my Grandma.  I'm not ashamed of who I am - nor am I ashamed of who my girlfriend is (Hail Mary for those of you who missed it :) - and I sat there at the table eyeing my strawberry lemonade and I thought - she's asking me about the person who cares deeply about me - who has a genuine and willing interest in my kids and a life together..... is it ok to disrespect this person and lie?

And so after she asked again I said..... "Actually Grandma, I don't have a boyfriend but I do have a girlfriend."

Blogging on the road is really freakin' hard.

My lap top is missing keys.... wifi is slow and the page cuts out .... so last night I tried to use the handy-dandy mobile version... and it jacked up the post so badly that I lost most of it and then it locked up my account.
Good times......

Speaking of good times..... we had a GREAT DAY at Disneyland!!!!!!  Of course we are all sunburned and the kids *literally* passed out on the living room floor.... The Girl is still doing some kind of downward dog yoga pose: she's too tired to straighten out! lolol

We had an excellant day that started out with a One Direction breakfast (where the value of Justin Beiber vs. One Direction was hotly debated - you'll be happy to know that The Girl stood her ground on that one!).   And then we were off to The Happiest Place on Earth.....!!!!!!

It was PIrates and Haunted Mansions and Alice and Peter and Small World..... almost all before lunch! There were Princess's to be seen and parades to watch.... the kids had a blast.  The *coolest* part was watching our four kids bond - running and skipping and holding hands.... it was the cutest dammed thing ever.

Then they made me go on the Rocket ride in Tomorrow Land..... Motherf*Cking ride...... I enter the car with Th Girl and The Birthday Girl who is nine..... and The Girl fly's the dam car straight up and HIGH - as HIGH AS IT CAN GO!!!!!!! and me being scared of heights and all.....

Let me just put it this way - we got off the ride and Lashla said, "You looked terrified - how was it?"
To which I said, "Well, it was fanf*ckingtastic - and now your nine year old knows about 100 ways to use the word f*ck in a sentence and I won't appologise for it...... lolol"
To which Lashla replied, "Well, I'm not surprised, I would expect nothing less....."  lolol

It's good to have friends who know you. hahahaha

The day was fantastic - a bit hot and we all got sunburnt inspite of tons of lotion.... especially me.  Stupid pale, Irish skin.... it's not too bad though.

At the end of our magical day - we were shopping.... there was a snafu with some gift cards the kids were given which turned into a 45 minute fiasco while various cast members were solving the problem.  At which point The Girl was sobbing, face down on the check out counter.  People were staring at me as though to suggest I needed to stop what I was doing and take my kids home immediately.

Somehow during the chaos and the crying - The Boy wandered away and got lost because one shop leads to another and another another and suddenly he found himself several stores away......

Of course, practicing my skills for Mother of The Year:  I didn't notice.
Sigh.

All of a sudden my phone is ringing - and unknown number at 11pm?  I'm not answering that I mutter in disgust.  
Then they call back.

A few minutes while trying to wipe up the pool of drool and tears The Girl is leaving on the counter - I notice that The Boy is gone ..... hhmm..... The Boy is:  gone.

A small amount of panic is setting in and now The Girl is freaking the f*Ck out because she realizes brother is gone..... which leads to more stares (clearly people are impressed with my mothering skills....).

A few minutes later, security has come running (like - as if they came straight out of the freaking walls.... like swarmed us in a milisecond) - and people are talking on headphones and walkie-talkies.... and it's about 30 seconds (IF THAT) because a burly man puts a comforting hand on my shoulder and say's, "No worries Mom, he's been in the hands of one of our Cast Members this entire time, they are walking him here now."

Up walks The Boy and a Cast Member who is smiling ear to ear, she quickly tells me, "You have quite the young man here - he walked straight up to me, read the name on my badge and told me that he wandered away from his Mom but that he knew your name and phone number......"

Oh.... that'll be those missed "Unknown number" calls..... 
Sigh.

They gave him a special button for being an "honorary citizen" and everyone praised him for knowing what to do...I however, wondered if there was a shopping bag big enough for me to hide in.  
Sigh.

So..... this trip is kicking this singly Mom's ass just a little bit.... lol
Today's only goal:  don't lose anyone.

I'll let you know how I do with that tomorrow. lololololol

I know.... I know I said that I was *back* ... and I am!  
I promise!

But.... tonight I went for dinner with Keebler and the new girl she's dating, then I had to run to Wal Mart (more on that later) - and then I met up with Hail Mary and some of her friends at a park in Portland where we sat on blankets and had Ben & Jerry's ice cream and chatted..... you see *this* is how PDX lesbians do it:  they can't just go to a pub or a "place" for desert - they have to go and be all outdoorsy and eat outside on blankets and sh*t. lololol

I kidd.... it was actually *really* nice - I had a great time... BUT - I have BIG PLANS for tomorrow and it only occurred to me at 10:30 pm while sitting on said blanket that I realized that I HAVE to stop and get an oil change tomorrow... grr...... dammit.

You see I was at Wal Mart because I had to go and get some last minute trip good and a pair of shorts for The Girl - because....... tomorrow the kids and I are DRIVING TO CALIFORNIA!!!!!

Yup.... *this* single Mommy is loading up a suitcase, a bag of food, two kids, two Kindles and two leap pads - crossing her fingers and hoping for the f*cking best as we drive the 1000 miles to Long Beach.

Go hard or go home.... right?

Lashla is in CA from Scotland.... and if THAT wasn't enough reason to jump in a car and drive *anywhere* that she is.... her daughters birthday is on Thursday and they had plans to book a "character lunch" to celebrate. Well.... she decided that INSTEAD she wanted Lashla to use the money for the lunch (they are *spendy*) on having The Boy and The Girl go to Disneyland with her for her birthday.....

How the *hell* do you say no to that......?
You don't.

So we are driving... hence the NEED for the oil change - and staying with Noni on the way down, then staying with Lashla, then visiting family, then staying with Noni on the way home.... and my car is stocked with PB&J, apples, Chips-A-Hoy, grapes and water..... on - and Special K.  Which will be our meals over the four days of driving..... so - while we're "going big" - we are also going cheap.... hahahaha

So-  yesterday, Hail Mary came over and met the family and the kids... and it went really well.  The kids never really 'gelled' with Carhartt - and it became an issue quickly.  So, when Hail Mary *asked* to meet the kids (because she LOVES kids) - I asked them if they wanted to meet her and they said yes.... so there was a good deal of razor cars and playing in the backyard with the hose.....

But, you know what I *really* like?  Hail Mary refuses to read The Blog and so she hadn't seen our fantastic Disney video and so I showed it to her tonight and I noticed that she laughed at all the best parts that make me smile the most.... like The Girl "yelling" at her mouse ears for falling off..... that made me smile.

So, yesterday was crazy and busy and fun and the kids were having a rough time going to bed  - they kept getting up and needing water and one last hug and to tell me something superdireandimportantthatcan'twaittillmorning..... etc.   It was starting to border on one of those "Go The F*ck To Sleep" nights... (it's a book - you should totally GET IT!)  and then THIS happened:

The Boy:  I'm sorry I'm not going to bed real good tonight......
Me:  That's ok - just try to lay down and close your eyes, bud.

The Boy:  I suck at going to sleep tonight....
Me:  Well, you could be doing better, but I'm not sure you "suck".

The Boy:  Yeah.... I suck at going to bed... I should suck a bag of dicks.
Me:  (MENTALLY:  WHAT THE F*CK?)  outloud :  What did you say, buddy?

The Boy:  Well, Dad always says when people such at driving that they should 'suck a bag of dicks'.  So, since I'm not going to bed... I suck and I should suck a bag of....
Me:  cutting The Boy off - DUDE.... it's cool - you don't suck and you don't need to do anything - just like try to go to sleep and we'll talk about this in the morning.....

Ironic that *I* am the potty mouth..... and yet my children never learn these things from me.... lololol - so now I have to have a chat with El Capitan about how we unravel "sucking" at something from "sucking a bag of dicks" with our eight year old and how.... I'm *pretty* sure there is a different way to handle your road rage.

I for one... will keep this in mind over the next two days! lolololol