For the most part, I didn't hear from El Capitan's friends - at least not until The Sign situation happened and then a few of them send me horrible nasty-grams about how I was "exposing our family" and how *I* was trying to "ruin" him.....
WE bought the f*cking Sign. WE chose to use The Sign. HE wanted me to do the first FOX interview that started the whole media ball rolling.... but yes...yes - let's blame ME for everything.
That first night that I found out about La Novia, after El Capitan had left I called a friend of our who I thought actually knew La Novia and was friends with her as well.
This 'friend'..... let's call them: La Serpiente.
So, I called La Serpiente and told them what had happened that night - that I saw her picture and thought I knew who she was and that they were also friends.... and La Serpiente said - no - no way was this girl who I thought she was.....
La Serpiente was "kind"- they were "shocked" at what El Capitan had done and kept saying... "Are you *sure*? I really think you've misunderstood things.... I'm pretty sure they *aren't* having an affair." blah blah blah..... and in my heart wanted to believe him, but my gut knew otherwise.
La Serpiente had been kicking around for a few years - as a "family friend".... but I found their lack of morals and values troubling..... they were bereft of any kind of honesty in most any situation, including crafting bogus "sexual harassment" allegations against a manager at work that they didn't like: who was subsequently fired.
But it was all lies..... and La Serpiente would sit in my living laughing at the manager's demise at the hand of their lies.
So, I wanted to distance myself (and our family) from such a persona and made this clear to El Capitan who felt "obligated" to remain friends with La Serpiente for 'professional reasons'. (I'll leave it at that.)
Up until this point, La Serpiente would come over for dinner and hang out from time to time... bought the kids Christmas presents, etc. SO..... in spite of the fact that I had grown to dislike them - I thought they *might* tell me the truth that fateful night because they seemed to care about my kids and our family as a whole.
The day after El Capitan left, La Serpiente was having lunch with El Capitan and *called me* to promise me that I had it "all wrong".... that La Novia was a "one time fling" - that she "meant nothing" and that this "wasn't going anywhere".... etc......
Liar, liar.... flaming pants on flaming fire.
La Serpiente was *Good* friends with La Novia and KNEW that this had been going on for some time.... so why lie to me? Why wasn't I entitled to the truth from ANYONE? That's just so frustrating. Really. What could comes from lying to me? What bad could come from telling me the truth?
It boggles the mind.....
Because yes- I just found out my husband of ten years is cheating on me.... I feel as though I've been emotionally gutted... so *lying* to me is going to make this easier.....?
Just more layers of betrayal.......
So I soon figured out that El Capitan was *living* with La Novia and I obviously knew that La Serpiente had been lying to me all this time..... and I made it CLEAR at that time - to El Capitan that I NEVER EVER wanted to see or hear from La Serpiente *EVER* again.
El Capitan agreed and said he would tell them as much.
So..... that was that. I never heard from La Serpiente again... though I know he remained 'good friends' with La Novia and El Capitan - hanging out at their place, having dinners... etc.
Dinners La Serpiente pays for - that's how he gets people to hang out with him.... he pays for everything. It's a pattern that goes back to high school and blowing his inheritance in a year paying for all his friends to party - until he ran out of money and they ditched him...... having some into a second inheritance: La Serpiente did this again.... oh, and then there's the payout from a large company who La Serpiente made certain 'allegations' against and got a nice little pay day.......
They are *that* kind of person.
Then..... three days ago, OUT.OF. THE. MOTHERF*CKING. BLUE: La Serpiente calls.
I see their name illuminate on my phone: and I let it go to voicemail.
A few seconds later.... the phone rings again.
The third time it rings I start to wonder if something is wrong with El Capitan and may be I should answer it? So.... I do and the conversation goes like this:
La Serpiente: Hey Elle! How are you......?
Me: ...... Fine...... What can I do for you?
La Serpiente: Oh, I just wanted to call and say hi - ....
I cut La Serpiente off: "I don't really have anything nice to say to you - so what can I do for you?"
La Serpiente: Well, there's something I want to say to you...... I think it's really despicable that you tricked [El Capitan] into marrying you when you always knew you were gay......
Me: Are you f*cking serious right now? We are NOT friends, nor have we been friends for years - so why would you think you can call and say this to me?
La Serpiente: [El Capitan] can't believe how to tricked him - and we think it's disgusting.
At this point I hang up the phone. It's ONE THING for *YOU* to express an opinion you have about me to me ... it's ANOTHER THING to now suggest that El Capitan and La Novia SHARE your expressed opinion....
La Serpiente calls back..... again... and again.... and again.
Finally leaving me a 2 minute voice-mail, which I didn't listen to, because I'm busy texting El Capitan about what has happened.
El Capitan calls back when he's off work and I tell him - word for word - what happened.
El Capitan is confused... say's they haven't seen or even really talked to La Serpiente in months....
And I lose my nut...... "If I EVER F*CKING FIND OUT that you and La Novia hold this opinion, one you have NEVER SHARED WITH ME, and are out there telling people that I *tricked* you into the marrying me... I'll f*cking come UNGLUED. If you have been LYING TO ME and saying sh*t behind my back....I'll f*cking LOSE IT....... "
El Capitan is quiet and listening.... because when we first broke up we made an agreement - that I get to *SAY* whatever the f*ck I want.... I can be mad and yell and use my usual colorful language.... and El Capitan will hear me out and not hang up.
Because I'm entitled to my anger, my hurt... my feelings - and after ten years of marriage HOW I process those feelings has never changed and it's unreasonable to act *now* like it's "offensive" or whatever....... So our deal is that I can *SAY* whatever I need to say, get my thoughts/emotions/feelings out on the table without fear of El Capitan using it against me later - SO LONG AS: I make *decisions* with a rational and *FAIR* mind.... which I have ALWAYS DONE.
I believe that this agreement has kept either of us from doing shady sh*t behind each other backs - because we're both clear about where we stand - the good, the bad and the f*cking ugly.... but there is a thick layer of TRUST that remains, which is *key* to being able to move forward and co-parents in a healthy way.
Unless of course.... El Capitan and La Novia are sitting around telling people I "tricked" him into anything.
Now I'm *super* angry and I'm screaming at El Capitan: "What the f*ck did I "trick" you into......? Living pay check to paycheck......? *I* put down the money for our house... MY MONEY: and I lost it..... *I* PAID FOR THE SATURN with my own money: and I LOST IT. I loved you and supported you RELENTLESSLY and effortlessly.... and you F*CKING KNOW IT."
The phone is quiet for a second... then El Capitan say's, "I've never felt "tricked". I was there when we met, I know we fell in love.... I know how much you loved me - and I've never - *WE'VE* never talked to [La Serpiente] about any of this and I've never told them I felt "tricked". I don't think [La Novia] has either, but I will call her as soon as I hang up with you and then I will call [La Serpiente],"
"Fine," I tell him, "But this kind of bullsh*t makes me think that you guys are sitting around trashing me.... and THAT doesn't help us move foreward.... if you ARE sitting around talking about me - tell your friends to keep those conversations PRIVATE. La Novia is entitled to any opinion she has.... HOWEVER - I don't need to f*cking hear about it third hand from some jackass I never liked in the first place........ I'm sure there is a more constructive way we could discuss this between the three of us if need be."
El Capitan *assures* me that no such conversations have taken place and that neither of them feels I "tricked" anyone into anything......
I'm still seething with anger..... because even *IF* I had 'tricked' El Capitan.... I came out MONTHS AGO - and in that time the three of us have worked REALLY HARD to co-parent in a friendly, open and honest manner.... La Serpiente making this phone call *is* his right.... he's entitled to his opinion.... but *sharing* this opinion - NOW - is damaging to our entire family set up.
It's *really* hard to trust each other.... it's a hard and challenging situation for all three of us to be navigating and I don't think ANYONE has the right to call *ANYONE* and say things that put that trust in question.... especially someone who has claimed they were a "family friend" and that they "care about" our kids......
If you actually *DID* care about my kids - you wouldn't rock the boat their happiness is resting in.
More to the point - if La Serpiente were *Actually* friends with El Capitan and La Novia, they would understand how much work and trust and forgiveness has gone into all of this and they wouldn't jeopardize it with a misplaced phone call months AFTER THE FACT.... which only serves to do one this: piss me the f*ck off.
The *ONLY* person here who got 'tricked'... was ME.
La Serpiente has a full and *personal* understanding of the social, emotional and family issue's that face people who identify LGBTQ - a very *CLOSE* understanding..... so their accusations came as a shock.
It's *very* frustrating for me that people - any people - would think I didn't love El Capitan.... that somehow sex - the need (or lackthereof) - DEFINES a marriage.
It f*cking doesn't.
Communication. Trust. Honesty.... *those* things define a marriage -and clearly El Capitan and I lacked on all three..... AND - let us not forget that it's a RARE situation that a doctor accidentally sews your vagina SHUT which makes HAVING ACTUAL SEX pretty freaking hard......
There were *YEARS* during our marriage where sex was NOT a physical option.
This all served to cloud both my feelings AND El Capitans..... we both know this. We both understand this.
The truth of the matter is...I don't really care what *ANYONE* say's about my marriage - only El Capitan and I know the truth.... and that's fine.
What I DO NOT appreciate is ill-informed commentary from a "friend" who only serves to upset me and make me question La Novia and El Capitan.... this is NOT helpful to the three of us.... and mostly - to the kids.
So.... to all the "friends" out there.... shut the f*ck up.
Your opinion is YOURS..... and unless it serves to provide some greater understanding, or HELPS in some way.... keep it to your F*CKING SELF.
The truth is *always* 100% perspective..... I'm *well aware* of the mistakes I made in my life and in my marriage..... but I DO NOT think marrying El Capitan was a mistake.... we were married for TEN YEARS and we saw each other through some hard times..... and we have two beautiful kids.
Mistakes were made alllllll around: believe it.
But we can't move forward as two HAPPY FAMILIES if there is a lack of trust.
It just can't happen.
It won't happen.
Anyone is truly a *friend* to anyone in this kind of situation wouldn't seek to disrupt what is a fairly happy and congenial situation..... hence why they are, and forever will be: La Serpiente.