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A Funny Thing Happened At The Gym Today......

2/7/2013

2 Comments

 
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For the record... YES, you are reading that correctly:  I did 17.5 miles today on the bike... woofreakinghoo.

Honestly, I was *kind of* expecting a ticker-tape parade when I was done... but sadly, there was none. lololol

I've been working pretty hard at this.... I'd would nearly the 50 pound mark and doing it *without* potions or pills or shakes or meal replacement... well:  that's kind of a big damn deal.  At least in my world it is. :)

I have a friend - Miss Erin (and we'll all be hearing more from here very soon here) who is challenging me and driving my workouts from afar.  She dropped the hammer on 11 miles yesterday:  so I went 13.  She responded with a "goal" of 17 miles.... so I went back today and nailed 17.5.  (Yes, I know I've written that twice now... hahahahha).

I *think* I might get a better workout on a treadmill......?  But, I'm afraid to push things too far and irritate my knee... after all this hard work, all I need is an 'injury' as an excuse not to come back and then fall behind on all my progress.  It's always seems to work that way... you know?

Anyhow.  I have a specific bike that I like.  The first bike in the row is *really* hard to push on an 8.  The second bike in the row I can do 10 miles at a 10 in a solid 38 minutes.  The third bike is a bit loosy-goosy and I feel like it's getting away from me even at an 11..... so - long, boring detailed story short:  the second bike is *my* bike.  :)

Yesterday the gym was *packed* and I had to wait for a bike to come open.  There was also an older lady with a gym membership person waiting for a bike.... and when the first one came open I already had the paper towel and sanitizer for the woman to use (I had instinctively grabbed it before noticing there weren't any bikes open.. sigh).  Then I went back and got more for when the next bike opened up for me. 

The guy who got off the first bike had a laugh that I cleaned up his sweaty bike for him.. .we had that 'nod' and he walked down to the weights.

Today - I arrive *early* determined to get in my hour plus that I know I'm going to need to try to hit 17 miles - and thankfully *my* bike is open and next to it is the sweaty gym guy from the day before.  I sit down and he gives me the nod... and me - clearly knowing *no* boundaries in the gym - say hello and we chat for a second.

I am *not* gym cool... lololol

He has his headphones on and I, of course, am watching New Moon while drinking from my Team Edward New Moon water bottle.... oh yeah:  that's how sad I am :)

And suddenly this giant brick wall of a man comes up on my other side - he's nice, I've seen him around and I asked him a question about the treadmill the week before - and he offers me a card with a number on it.  We chat for a few seconds and he heads downstairs as well. I tuck the card into my Kindle holder and look up to see Gym Guy, headphones out, and staring at me .....

"Did he just give you his phone number.......?"  He asks.

"Oh, gawd no... lolol - can't you see all the other girls here - I doubt *that* man thinks I'm *his* type".... I reply.

"Umm... ok - I don't see why not.. but then what did he give you?"  He asks again.

"oh, he offered to help me with some personal training stuff...."  I explain.

Gym Guy doesn't seem sold on this - and we end up chatting for a while after that.... nothing like getting all red faced, sweaty and out of breath while *not* lying under a man, but instead sitting awkwardly next to him struggling to hit that 17th mile....
sigh.

Did I already say how *uncool* I am at the gym?

Do people really do that....?  Pick people up at the gym?  I mean - isn't there some kind of 'unspoken' rule about not 'flirting' or trying to pick people up while they are working out?  I should think there is... And I'm 1000000000% certain that the brick wall man really was just offering to help me.  I think that's one thing I've learned about going to the gym - once people see you has a 'regular' - someone they see every day - they are nice and offer to help you... which is really, really nice. :)

I picked up the kids and we were heading home.  Lately, I've been trying to talk to The Boy about going to "real school".  I've been looking into some private school options - I figure if I'm willing to stick it out at home for the long hall, and I work full time - then I can afford to put them both through private school.  BUT - this is something I have to warm the boy up to.....

Out of the blue in the back seat I hear a sniffling.....

"Mom.... Please don't make me go to 'real school' because the same thing is going to happen again...."  The Boy cries.

"What same thing?" I ask.

"The bullies will hunt me and kick me and beat me up and call me nerd.... Like last time."......." He states.

For a second I wonder - is this an active imagination?  I know he had trouble at school... but - perhaps he's just remembering it to be worse than it was?   "Honey, when did you have that happen..?." I ask him.

"At Barnes mom - Austin. Every school has an Austin mom - I just know it". The Boy continues to cry.

Ah... yes:  Austin.
My first introduction to Austin was when The Boy - age 5 - tells me that he and his "new friend" at school play "penis tag".  I just about threw up in my own mouth... but I held it together.  I asked him for details, which he didn't really provide... so I dressed him for school and called the Principal on my way in.  They called in a counselor and had a meeting with him and with this kid. 

Turned out that 'penis tag' involved Austin chasing down The Boy and punching him in the nuts.
Awesome.

Nothing happened to Austin, The Boy came home pretty much traumatized from the whole ordeal and I asked that in the future - the two boys be kept apart during recess.  But... it's public school:  185 Kindergarteners - and only 9 teachers on the play ground... so then this happened:

"Today Austin grabbed my face and breathed chocolate milk breath into my mouth."
"Today Austin chased me down and punched me in the stomach."
"Austin held me against the wall and kicked me in the ankle."
"Austin pushed me down in the puddle at the slide today....."

and on it went.

In the end, after The Boy was in tears every day on the way to school - we pulled him out in March and started homeschooling him.  In the two years since then, he's loved homeschooling and he's *very* social... but I worry as time goes on - as a single Mom - that both the children will need *more* that just me in their lives...

So, I'm driving and thinking about how to respond, and as I'm saying  to The Boy - "Anywhere you go in life, you're going to meet people you don't like, or who you feel are going to bull you - but you just have to......."

and The Boy cuts in with this fanf*ckingtastic gem:  "You know what Mom... this is happening because Dad was selfish.  He chose his girlfriend over me and now we don't have a house and I don't have a room and everything had to change..... and now I have to go to school and get bullied.  And that makes me angry, Mom."

Hmm... well, isn't that just rather craptastically true......?  sigh.
I let the car go silent for a second.. because I want to say the right thing.  He's so clear in his conviction of his father - and the truth is, where it not for our current circumstances - I would never consider anything but homeschooling him... so I'm *really* trying to find an honest argument to what he said.

In the end, while The Boy continues to cry silent little tears while looking out the window, I finally said this:  "I'm not sure if that's totally true or not... we might have sent you to 'real school' one day - I honestly don't know.  and, yes, you are right, things changed because Daddy made a bad decision - BUT - sometimes things in life happen that we don't like, and we have to just keep going..... we have to make the best of things because we don't have any other choice."

More silence.... then I realized that I was missing the most important part:  "Actually buddy, you *do* have a choice - you can either lay down and be sad and cry and feel angry about what happened or why it happened or who you think made it happen...  - which is kind of sucky way to live... - OR - you can accept things *even* if you don't like them - and just make the best of it - you have the choice to make it better... and you're really good at making things better."

I turned around to face him at the light, The Boy sniffled loud, glaring at me through his glasses with a look that I *thought* said "I call bullshit on that, Mom...."  but *instead* The Boy said, "Yeah... but that's not very fair to me Mom - that's not right..... "

"I know pal... I know....."  I started to say.

"But... you know - I guess that's kind of what happened to you.... so I guess I'll just have to do it, too".  he stated.

Wow.... I almost couldn't drive when the light turned green.  How does he put so much together?!?! How does he draw so many of the dots together to make such a clear picture of what's happening to us?  You think you can shield them from everything - certain conversations, fighting, etc.... but, I'll tell you what:  nothing takes the wind out of your 17.5 mile sails like a dose of reality from your 8 year old.
sigh.

Oh... an in spite of voluntary promises to the contrary... Coffee Guy never called.  I think I can safely assume that he *won't* call as it is no longer the 1990's and I'm pretty sure (or at least *very* hopeful) that people are no longer subscribing to the whole "The Rules" thing and waited three days.... plus:  it's been four.  hahaha
He was a nice guy, very sweet, great listener... but I think in the end, there were just too many crossed wires - I mean.. c'mon - I accidentally professed my 'undying love' for a virtual stranger (even if I *did* think I was writing the person it was *really* meant for.. my BFF) - and I think that that would creep anyone out. lololol
Lesson learned.... well played cyber karma... well played. hahaha

Onward and upward..... :)



2 Comments

Am I "Edward Ready"?

1/15/2013

10 Comments

 
This morning fell apart and I left my laptop at home for a meeting... so I had to scratch the gym, then go to my meeting, *then* go the gym.  However, the kids club is closed by 12noon, so the kids stayed home with The Bubbie and I went in later than I usually do.

Walking into the front doors my phone is going crazy..... a client is IMing me on facebook, my publisher was calling from the UK to set up an interview (super exciting!), my email was going crazy and I'm trying to check in to the gym and so I sit down on the leather seat in the lobby to finish my call and in walks......

El Capitan.
And, I have a teeny-weeny confession to make... one, which will no doubt reign the slight annoyance of many of you upon me......

A few years I set up a membership at a gym - and at the time, they had a kids club special, which was only $10 per kid per month - AND - you get two hours a time and you can go twice a day if you want.  That is an AMAZING deal... they don't even offer it anymore.

So, years went by - and I went off and on... and when I didn't go, I considered it my "fat tax".  Money I couldn't otherwise spend on food or trinkets or going out... a constant reminder that I *should* be making the most of it and going to the damn gym. 

A few years ago I added El Capitan to my membership plan.  Now.... the answer to the question you're alllll wondering is:  no, I did not cancel his membership.

Even when I KNEW he was lying and telling me that he *needed* the membership because he was "showering" there because he was "homeless" even though he was living with Yoga Girl: He asked me not to cancel it, and I did not.

Even when our divorce was final, our assets were separated:  I did not cancel his membership.

There are *many* hills I have had to climb - and few I've had to "die on" so-to-speak - during this divorce process.... a gym membership was the least of my concerns and not something I was willing to throw down about.  Let me explain.

Right or wrong... it seems petty to me - to cancel El Capitan gym membership.  It's $29 a month.  $29 bucks that say's - "I'm not a b*tch - and I'm showing you a kindness..."

It doesn't make me a saint... it doesn't make me the 'bigger person':  it's simply a kindness.
Sure, one could argue, that El Capitan doesn't deserve my kindness - and the Ex-Wife in me might completely agree with this... but My Kid's Mother thinks is $29 and cancelling it would be petty... and I didn't want to be petty.

So, he still has the same gym membership attached to mine and I pay for it.
At least for now.

So there I was, on the phone to London, in my gym clothes (looking *awesome*) - and El Capitan walks in and plops down on the chair next to me.  He waits for me to get off the phone and I fill him in on the interview - and he's genuinely excited for me.... he hopes The Book is doing well.

The conversation between us is easy.... free from anger - free from the usual suspicions that have haunted many of our recent conversations.... we're laughing - I'm cracking a few jokes about Yoga Girl, he's letting a few laughs slip, he tells me about some *crazy* ex-wife videos he watched on YouTube, we talked about The Boy's birthday:  what to buy?  What about a birthday party?

If you were sitting across from us:  you would think it was two old friends chatting.
Not two exes who have made National news because El Capitan's a cheater..... not two people, one of whom was screaming at the other only three days ago - and who struggle at times to get along. 

It was...... normal.

Now, the good news is that.... while I *enjoyed* talking to him - sorting out a few things - it didn't make me miss him.  It didn't make me sad.... instead of making me think - "why did he leave?"  blah blah blah..... I left our conversation thinking ... sweet:  forward progress.

At this point... I'll take any freakin' progress I can get, honestly.

I went on my way, turned on Breaking Dawn and started my ten mile bike ride.... and after I thought about it, I realized that I still fell *whole*.  I didn't feel sad or angry or bitter.... or ..... anything  at all.
And *that* - the absence of pain, the absence of feeling a great loss and sadness:  that made me happy.

I sat there watching Breaking Dawn and I started thinking about a facebook chat with a friend from last night and they asked me, "Are you ready to meet your "Edward"?

At the time, I didn't really have an answer. 
At first it really caught me off guard because lots of people talk to me - talk around me - sh*t... talk *about* me - but not that many ask about me.  (Alex... you're clearly not in that group. :)

The last ten months were hard. I didn't see it coming, didn't even think I should be worried about such a thing - and then suddenly I was faced with dealing with the betrayal of it all.
Really... it was the betrayal that hurt the most - the lying.... and - El Capitan went OUT OF HIS WAY to continue to lie and be hurtful welll after I field for divorce. Part of "healing" has been coming to terms with the fact that this person who was supposed to love me and protect me was doing the EXACT opposite.
It was really hard to understand that. Hard to accept JUST that - regardless of who had done it to me.

Then I had to realize and come to terms with the fact that El Capitan wasn't the man he was supposed to be... and so, I kind of had to grieve that loss.  I had to grieve the loss of the husband I *thought * I had, but never had.... which is complicated, but necessary.

I am .... a lot of things, but mostly I'm loyal, honest, true, I'm a good friend - and I'm the kind of friend who can go through hard times with someone - who can forgive a friend if they done or said something that wasn't kind or was a wrong.... I'm the kind of person who *believes* in people - and while I *do* have a bit of a "hard candy shell" (especially with media people) - I'm very easy going - and I *always* try to do the right thing. Period.

El Capitan knows all that about me ... and did what he did anyway - that was hard to try to understand and accept.

Today, sitting in the gym lobby, I realized that all of the emotions tied up with the above issue's were.... gone.  I got up and walked tot he locker room *not* in a cloud, but laughing at something funny El Capitan had said and then went on to the bike.  Simple. Nice. Normal.
HoofreakinYah.

So then I started thinking about the question from the night before....  I don't know if it's a question about "being ready" for anything... instead, I think that (and most importantly) I'm *excited* about the possibilities of meeting people who *will* see and value the things about me that El Capitan did not.

I've come to accept the reality that my marriage was *not* full... and at many points, it was not happy, which is really, really hard for me to admit.  And even though  I was always trying to *make* it happy -the truth is that that didn't actually mean *I* was happy.

Talk about a *serious* realization.

Am I "ready" for my potential Edward?  Well.. in the first place I'm not all that sure there's an "Edward" that's interested.... BUT, regardless of that:  I'm ready to be happy.

I'm ready to get to know people and start enjoying my life again - and at some point - the person who *will* protect me at all costs - the person who *will* value me and love me, the person who is *meant* to spend their time laughing and enjoying the children *with* me, ...... they will find me... and who the hell isn't ready for that? hahahah

And.... you know what - *if* I had cancelled El Capitan's gym membership... it might not have happened.  If I had been petty - just because I could  - after all, *why* should I pay for someone who cheated on me to work out and get buffer for Yoga Girl and a million other reasons *why* I would have been justified in cancelling his membership..... if I had done that - I *might* have missed out on the healing that today's conversation brought me. What a loss that would have been for me.... certainly a bigger loss than the potential "thrill" of cutting of his gym membership would have possibly (but not likely) brought me.

So today.... we're going to call it a Win for Kindness.
Sometimes.... just a little bit of kindness - even if undeserved - goes a long way.












10 Comments

A Bit of Truth Goes  A Looooong Way

1/13/2013

10 Comments

 
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If you've read The Book, or followed The Blog, then you have probably seen what I posted on facebook when El Capitan and I first split up. 

What you wouldn't have seen were the many, many postings on my facebook wall - such as the one to the right - where my very protective, wonderful and well-meaning friends would post images or comments calling Yoga Girl a "slut" or a "whore", etc.

I won't lie.... little images like this one *do* make me giggle.  I mean these thing are written to be funny - and ... they are.  However, what you won't see is that on my wall I would defend Yoga Girl.  I would, while laughing under my breath, remind people that this was a young, 'stupid' 22 year old and that while having a sexual relationship *with* my husband while he was *very much* still my husband.... makes her allllll kinds of things to me:  that doesn't maker her a "slut".

I have very mixed feelings about Yoga Girl.  When this started, I was grateful to her for her honesty - and I shared that with her on two occasions.  I thought A. LOT. about this person who interfered in my marriage - I wondered about what she looked like, how she moved, I spent FAR. TOO. MANY hours imaging what they talked about..... I know he must have turned on all his humorous charm - telling his best jokes and being the 'fun guy' he is.....

Winning her over.

While she would have known who I was - who my children were.... I didn't really know who she was.  I didn't know anything about her.... while I found that terribly unfair - I *still* had to consider what I did know about her at the time, which inclined me to 'hate' her a little less than I should.

When I asked, she admitted to having sex with my husband, and this was *while* he was denying he knew her at all... let alone that he had played 'hide the sausage' with her..... she was honest with me.  Before I had the unfortunate opportunity to talk with her further.... this honestly weighed on me a good deal.

In spite of it all... I gave her the tiniest bit of credit: for her initial honestly. 

As time when on and their lies grew two fold, then three fold -  the little bit of respect I had for her waned, but still, I didn't want to stoop to the level of calling her names.  I am many things... but I was above that, or at least I hoped I was.

I spent ever MORE time thinking about how they kissed... when they kissed.... where they had sex, and... sadly.... *how* they had sex.... I even asked her once - "Does he do that one little thing that he always did with me like *right* before he finishes......?"

She didn't like the question.... in fact, she doesn't like talk to me at all.  She say's things like, "... it isn't respectful to talk about [El Capitan]......" - and she speaks to me like a teenage girl speaks to her Mother after she has been caught sneaking in her bedroom window with her hair pushed up in the back, shirt miss-buttoned:  classic signs of a 'walk of shame'..... only she's talking to the woman whose husband *did* that shameful act...

When we spoke, even though I *had* shown her respect - I had refrained from calling her names, I have not screamed at her, shown up at her place of work, harassed her.... nothing.  I didn't even speak to her until I caught them texting TWO WEEKS after he *swore* to me that they weren't together and her "hardly knew her".... and then I simply called her on his cell phone.  I needed the truth:  I hoped she would give it to me.

When I spoke to her I wanted answers and hoped I would get... some?  a few?  I thought she might be young - and possibly a bit timid?  Yet, there was no remorse in her tone.  There was no discernible regret, no moment of pause where she heard the pain my voice and the tears streaming down my face and she would express the appropriate guilt and concern one human being shows another.... but there was none. 

When she heartlessly and matter-of-factly, informed me that my marriage was "loveless" and that she had "saved" El Capitan from a marriage where we no longer talked and he was "alone".  (Hard to be 'alone' when you're banging two different women.... but there you have it.)

THAT was when she became Ugly Baby Teeth.  But not before.... not before *she* was rude and unkind....

To this day, while I am *very* unimpressed with Yoga Girl, in fact my favorite thing to say about her to El Capitan is...."She's a quality item Clark....."  (it's a Christmas Vacation reference)..... I have been careful not to call her names or just stoop to the level of calling her a "slut".  (Mind you, in the effort of full disclosure, there I have, when talking with friends, called her a "b" spelled with a "c".  lolololol)

Yesterday, I got an email that I want to share because I think that *this* girl's story - while I'm fairly certain it's *not* Yoga Girl's story.... is important, and one that needs to be shared. 

There are *many* people who have been and *will* continue to be hurt by El Capitan's choice to cheat.  He *had* other choices.... he could have done the manly thing and sit down and say... "So... here's the deal:  I'm not happy and I want out."  Or, he could have answered me *honestly* during the three weeks he was actively cheating and I was begging him in the kitchen to tell me what was wrong and he lied and said.... "nothing". 

So I'm hurt, the children have just been given a lifetime membership to the Hall of Hurt - and no matter what I do:  it will never go away.

I don't know if one day Yoga Girl will wake up and realize what she's done -t he damage she's caused, the pained she's helped inflict on my children..... I personally believe she is bereft of feeling any kind of guilt, impossible of any kind of ownership for her actions... but on the off chance I'm wrong, I will remember the words of the email below and allow them to linger.... again, I'm open to being wrong.    I really am.

Dear Elle,

Yesterday while I was online, a news link to your For Sale sign led me to your story. By 11am this morning, I had read every entry of your blog and I plan to buy your book very soon.

Elle, I was a Yoga Girl. A much different personality from your YG, with a different scenario, but nevertheless, I ended up being one almost a decade ago. You and I are about the same age. I make no excuses. I'm not proud of it. In fact, it is the one thing I have done that I truly regret. There is so much more to the story, but I am married to the man who was only separated, not divorced, when we chose to be together (I was single, no kids). His sons both under ##### years old when he and his wife finally divorced.

There is so much you might assume about me, and about us, and most of it would probably be wrong. My husband and I have been married ####  years now, with his ex-wife and her husband married ####  years, and while I have committed myself to being the best stepmom possible, and have laid low knowing my place isn't as a main decision maker (ex-wife and my husband share joint custody), I realize more and more how much pain I have caused.

One of my best friends has very recently been put in your shoes, in so many similar ways to your own story. Being with her through her hell, and reading stories like yours makes me vividly confront the chocies I made. All these years, our blended homes have worked to coexist cordially (cordial, not quite friendly). But I am ashamed to say that I have not once apologized to my husband's ex, and I know that doesn't make ANYTHING better, it doesn't change anything, but it should have been done a long time ago.

Back when I hooked up with this man, I was not thinking of anyone but him and me. I did not think about the consequences to his wife or children. There was more to the story, all around, but my actions boil down to me being selfish and young, and seizing a moment without thinking about how it would affect anyone else. I was wrong to do that. I know I need to make time to tell this to the ex-wife, to her face, and I do not expect anything, not even acknowledgment. But I am sorry. And I am sorry for what you are going through.

Your story and blog help women not just in your shoes, but hopefully are eye openers to those of us who shared Yoga Girl's shoes instead. I am horribly aware, now so late down the road, that I caused so much pain to another woman who I never set out to hurt, but who I also never thought to respect in the first place.

I will make it a priority to apologize, though it might mean beans at this point. I will also continue being a good stepmom. I just wanted to write you and thank you for the honesty of your blogs. You are a strong woman making the best of a shitty situation...but with both your strength and your ability to put the kids first, you will be alright. That part is very clear.

Best regards,
XXXXXXXXXXXXXX


****************************************

Sometimes, when we're willing to be honest, when we're willing to accept our own failures *that's* when we might see a teeny-tiny bit of change in ourselves, or in the world around us. 

It's not much... but I'll take it. 


10 Comments

Souls of the Innocent/Blood Drenched Pavement.....

7/21/2012

6 Comments

 
Today's a weird day for me..... I had waited *alllll* week for something, anything - ANYONE to take over this media bonanza and make it their own..... so I was thrilled (for about 1.5 milliseconds) this morning when I noticed our traffic had slowed... then I saw *WHY* and suddenly I was wishing it was just my stupid sign there on the Yahoo feed .. frankly, sometimes "no-news is good Gnu's"..... (big ups to anyone who knows what THAT is from......)

OK...I *totally* know I was going to post about how El Capitan and I came to be... and while I'm just SURE there are hundreds of you on the edge of your seats (not) - instead I have a song running through my head and so I'm going to share my "post being dumped for a 22 year old break up mix tape".  (which, if you get the bottom is totally relevant to today's horrific events. :(

When I was moving through the loss of my marriage - the loss of my best friend - the Edward to my Bella.... I listened over and over and over to "A Thousand Years" by Christina Perri.  It really seemed to squeeze out every single last tear I had over a few weeks....

Then when I was ready to move on a bit it was "Somebody That I Used to Know" by Gotye... which helped me be bittersweet about the loss, but also start carving out the idea that I should move on from someone who appeared to have so little regard for me.... and when your self esteem is currently housed in the pants of a 22 year old - trust me, having a song remind you that you're better than that is a good thing. lol

As I moved into a "healing" phase... which is *always* where I was trying to be but I would see him and it break my heart all over again... or I would find old photos or birthday cards El Capitan would write for me... and I'd be right back to my Christina Perri phase all over...

But when my heart and my mind were ready to surface and move forward together, I forged ahead a new road for myself and my theme song became, "One Day" by Mastisyahu .... I would play it when I was feeling sad or angry or bitter - I would listen and listen until its words pumped through my veins a'la (a much larger framed) Ally McBeal style.  A mantra for how to acknowledge my pain but still move past it find my gratitude.

Today, of all days, this song seems all too relevant:

ONE DAY - by Matisyahu

sometimes I lay
under the moon
and thank God I'm breathing
then I pray
don't take me soon
cause I am here for a reason
sometimes in my tears I drown
but I never let it get me down
so when negativity surrounds
I know some day it'll all turn around
because all my life
I've been waiting for
I've been praying for
for the people to say
that we don't wanna fight no more
there'll be no more wars
and our children will play
one day

it's not about
win or lose
causewe all lose
when they feed on the souls of the innocent
blood drenched pavement

keep on moving though the waters stay raging
in this maze you can
lose your way (your way)
it might drive you crazy but don't let it faze you
no way (no way)

sometimes in my tears I drown
but I never let it get me down
so when negativity surrounds
I know some day it'll all turn
around
because all my life I've been waiting for
I've been praying
for
for the people to say
that we don't wanna fight no more
there'll be no more wars
and our children will play
one day
one day this all
will change
treat people the same
stop with the violence
down with the hate
one day we'll all be free
and proud to be
under the same
sun
singing songs of freedom like
one day x4

all my life I've been
waiting for
I've been praying for
for the people to say
that we don't
wanna fight no more
there'll be no more wars
and our children will
play
one day

I just keep feeling haunted by the line "..... cause we all lose/when they feed on the souls of the innocent/blood drenched pavement".... it seems tragically fitting. 

I read a quote from one of the rescue workers talking about the people left in the theater and how different cell phones kept ringing and ringing... but obviously, the owner wasn't going to answer.  How awful for the people there to bear witness to such an act of senseless violence and to the pain of knowing that someone else right then was trying to call their loved one to find out if they were .... alive. 

After events like 911, Columbine and now this .... I always feel like I don't know how to smile, as if my happiness flies in the face of those tragic deaths and how *wrong* it feels to be joyful or happy when you know someone else is suffering so much.... but the truth is - whether it's a tragedy we suffer first hand, or we are just bystanders  watching misery and grief overwhelm an entire town or Nation - I feel compelled to be GRATEFUL.  I feel OBLIGATED to celebrate my own life.... to find JOY in my own personal misery because if I don't - then how do I DESERVE to be here when those INNOCENT people are no longer.....?  No doubt they would trade places with me in a heartbeat - fat ass, cheating husband, media bonanza and all.  Which is incredibly humbling in my opinion.

So tonight my thoughts and prayers are with a nation mourning for the loss of the innocent... and they are also with the "James Holmes" of the world who might be planning such a tragedy of their own and I just hope they can get help or someone around them can stop them before they do something like this..... *****

**** PLEASE KNOW:  that in NO WAY do I think having your husband hook up with a yoga chic compares IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM with this kind of tragedy.  IT DOES NOT.  However, all day today I've had the same kind of feelings I had after 911 - the sort of "deer in the headlights of a National Tragedy" feeling where I'm just not sure HOW I'm supposed to feel.... I hope that's clear in the post.


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ONE DAY
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6 Comments

You, My Dear.... Have a Face for Radio.... hahaha

7/18/2012

26 Comments

 
Wow.  First and foremost... WOW.

I'm so totally stunned by how kind everyone has been.  I have to admit, even with my sense of humor, the first few days of alllllllll the comments about how any man would leave "Shamu the whale" was starting to get pretty old..... do these men not know they would drive me yet MORE donuts?!?! (kidding... they didn't. lol)

So, a day of posts that were *mostly* super awesome was.... just pure amazing.

I'm struck and humbled by your honesty and, really, you only have to look over the 700 heart-felt posts to see a collective of stories that is truly the backbone of being a Mother in today's world.  All these women faced so many different, awful, horrible circumstances and regardless of their size, color or age they are tied together by a bond of shared pain and the ultimate desire to move the eff on.  (Can I say that here.....?  Too soon? lol)

I just want to say thank you..... I really wanted to respond to every single post, because I actually did read every last one (even the crappy "you're a fatty" ones... lol) - but there just isn't enough time in the day right now. :(

El Capitan and I aren't sure what to make of this media storm - I feel a bit like Dorothy and the wicked witch (also know by some posters as Yoga Witch) spun this house up good and now it's being tossed around this Media Tornado and we're just not sure where it's going to land.... guess we'll have to wait and see.

Tonight, the Media Tornado took me to the satellite doorstep of Dr. Drew.  DR. FREAKIN DREW!!!! Can you believe that?!?!?!  When I was a kid we used to spend summers at my Grandma's and I was a TOTAL Love Line listener!  Dr. Drew... oh many night I lay awake listening to you and Adam Corolla.... tonight, I did NOT do enough listening and did faaaaar too much giggling..... haha.

I do worry that people will think that I find the affair or the divorce funny".  Rest assured, I find El Capitan's affair about as humorous as mouth herpes (which thankfully I don't have) and the divorce felt like some ripped out my insides through my ears..... but, I do kind of find this whole Media Tornado funny.  Why the hell does anyone care what I think?  (and crowds of overweight men sitting in their tighty-whitey's nod in unison while they wipe off their orange  Doritos  fingers onto their Mother's couch.)  Even still.... it feels oddly good to share.....

Believe me when I tell you that I put a sign in my yard to SELL MY HOUSE.  The magnets were something my Mom insisted on for her friends (so she could mail them out) and then my friends wanted some... and then a few friends insisted that at least I put up the magnets just for fun.. I wondered if people wouldn't feel betrayed somehow?  Mind you... I'm about as smart as a box of rocks if I hatched a plan to pay off my house with magnets that are $5.00 each.  lol.... Still, some people accuse me of that and that just is NOT the case. 

It's really important to me, after so many people have trusted me with their inner most hours of emotional pain that people don't think I would trade that for $5.00.  Anyone who actually *knows* me, knows that I'm really crap at getting "paid".  In my own business I do TONS of work for free or for heavy discounts because of different clients circumstances.... but my clients are RAD.  All of them, they do amazing things for me and what they bring to my life is often faaaar more valuable than money. :)  (and then a few of them are pains in the ass,... but they know who they are! hahahahaha)

Those same friends are insisting I write a blog....

So, share I shall!!!!  At least until no one is visiting this blog anymore...  All the judgment that happens over my marriage and my life and my choices and my parenting!?!?!  I feel like it would be good to get the whole story out there.... so tomorrow I will start at the beginning..... see you there!  You can read about how El Capitan barfed all over himself and yet it was still the most romantic night of my life and I kissed him anyway... barf breath and all...... (or not... because you might have gone back to reading about Tom and Katie - lol)

Thanks for reading. :)

26 Comments

So You Wanted to Sell A House... Did Ya?

7/17/2012

807 Comments

 

Wow.
Cannot say enough how shocked I am by allllll the media attention. No doubt we've got to be on minute.... 8 or 9 of my solid "15 minutes" of fame - and I'm fully expecting this rocket to go ass up, t*ts down and hit rock bottom soon.... but until then, some friends thought I should make my own voice heard while people are asking... Mind you - I'm still wondering why anyone care what I have to say to start with... but here goes.


We - the Ex and I, we're going to call him.... El Capitan - why? Simply because he was my "rock" and frankly... he's been a bit rough to get over. lol So, El Capitan and I aren't too unlike *most* people we know - working crazy hours trying to make enough money to make ends meet and maybejustmaybe start getting ahead.... but alas, in our attempt to get ahead we got "apart" instead... though I truly never saw this coming. (of course having someone else climb on the El Capitan didn't help matters... but perhaps another blog post on that later..... hahaha)

So, just to be clear AGAIN. We are divorced. He cheated, she's 22 and does, indeed, love yoga (and married men with kids.... just sayin'). Faced with separating our assets... lol... as if we actually *have* assets. bwahahaha - sure, I think we all know I poses amble "ass"ests.... however, in terms of financial things that courts care about we didn't have much and we decided to sell the house.

My Mom and I am spent a month and a half cleaning and packing and moving our stuff out of the house.
El Capitan doesn't yet have a "fixed" address so *I* rented a storage unit and moved his stuff there.... - so, yeah I guess all those internet posts are right - I did "clean him out" - only, I advance paid for the storage rental and gave him the lock and the key. Clearly, I really need to work on my master plans of "revenge" and being a "b*tch" ex-wife who "cleaned him out". lol.... I appear to really suck at those things.

For my business www.totallyradcards.com- I make cards and stuff - allll day long. When it came to selling the house, having me make the For Sale By Owner Signs - seemed like a no-brainer. My Mom came up with a nastier sign and I made it a little more "pg" and I approached El Capitan about using the signs and he thought it was a hilarious idea and we both thought it would get the house exposure. NEITHER of us thought it would be about exposure of both of us... NEITHER of us would use this dark time in our family to "dupe" people or lie to them just to sell our house....

So now here are.... the phone rings and rings and rings - and I, being a simple artist without training in public
speaking or how on earth I'm supposed to answer questions about the *most painful* time of my life.... I think I trip over my words alot.... but, first and foremost, I want to be clear that cheating is *the worst* thing someone can do in a marriage. :( The affects have been emotionally catastrophic and painful beyond words... finding out about her was the very darkest hours of my life thus far...

However, I noticed that the days I cried and cried... so did the kids - over toys and tv time and whatever. Days that I was angry - so were they: fighting with each other toys and getting frustrated over little things far too
quickly. Then... on days when I dug deep and found the strength to paint a smile on my face - the kids were smiling, too. Even if I had to fake it in the beginning, they didn't seem to know the difference and so like a perfect little circle... the more I smiled, the more joy and happiness they found - which brought me around to finding my own laughter and joy and happiness. 

That's the thing. I lost my husband - and yes... I'm well aware that the size of my Lane Bryant capri pants *seems* to be a reasonable reason for this according to some online folks.... but I can assure you: as a wife, a woman and a mother I am defined by who *I* am - not my size. :) just sayin'...... :)  I didn't lose myself, my kids or my sense of humor.... she took my husband - but she's not takin' *me*, and she's not taking the joy I have as a mother and the gratitude I have for my life.  THAT is mine... alll mine - and only *I* have the power not to giveit up to them and their decision.

So, that's me and my first blog... and all two or three "readers" that this will actually get.... but it's nice to know someone is listening. Feel free to comment.... more posts to come later if people want them.

elle


807 Comments

    Buy The Book!
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    Elle Zober

    Mother, "scorned wife", photographer, designer,  potential blog writer and recent guest on The View.... life's been pretty crazy as of late - crazybeautiful that is!
    You can see some of Elle's photography at:
    http://www.zoberimages.com/
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    SITE DISCLAIMER/
    POINTS OF FACT:
    El Capitan not only KNEW about and approved the signs, he helped pay for them.  :)
    The children have NOT seen the signs and will NOT see the signs.  PERIOD.
    This SITE and the SIGN were made to SELL OUR HOME.... what else this *might* be turning into is unclear, but the original intent was bereft of revenge or malice and was truly to sell our home.
    We ARE DIVORCED and for the very reason the sign suggests.

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Scorned, slighty bitter but still, grateful and very happy... life is good.
PS.... you *WILL find errors in grammar, spelling and otherwise... I am just a Mom - now a 'single Mom' who
writes The Blog from a place of honesty \and usually in the dark at 1:00am.... so please be understanding. cheers. :)