Souls of the Innocent/Blood Drenched Pavement.....

Today's a weird day for me..... I had waited *alllll* week for something, anything - ANYONE to take over this media bonanza and make it their own..... so I was thrilled (for about 1.5 milliseconds) this morning when I noticed our traffic had slowed... then I saw *WHY* and suddenly I was wishing it was just my stupid sign there on the Yahoo feed .. frankly, sometimes "no-news is good Gnu's"..... (big ups to anyone who knows what THAT is from......)

OK...I *totally* know I was going to post about how El Capitan and I came to be... and while I'm just SURE there are hundreds of you on the edge of your seats (not) - instead I have a song running through my head and so I'm going to share my "post being dumped for a 22 year old break up mix tape".  (which, if you get the bottom is totally relevant to today's horrific events. :(

When I was moving through the loss of my marriage - the loss of my best friend - the Edward to my Bella.... I listened over and over and over to "A Thousand Years" by Christina Perri.  It really seemed to squeeze out every single last tear I had over a few weeks....

Then when I was ready to move on a bit it was "Somebody That I Used to Know" by Gotye... which helped me be bittersweet about the loss, but also start carving out the idea that I should move on from someone who appeared to have so little regard for me.... and when your self esteem is currently housed in the pants of a 22 year old - trust me, having a song remind you that you're better than that is a good thing. lol

As I moved into a "healing" phase... which is *always* where I was trying to be but I would see him and it break my heart all over again... or I would find old photos or birthday cards El Capitan would write for me... and I'd be right back to my Christina Perri phase all over...

But when my heart and my mind were ready to surface and move forward together, I forged ahead a new road for myself and my theme song became, "One Day" by Mastisyahu .... I would play it when I was feeling sad or angry or bitter - I would listen and listen until its words pumped through my veins a'la (a much larger framed) Ally McBeal style.  A mantra for how to acknowledge my pain but still move past it find my gratitude.

Today, of all days, this song seems all too relevant:

ONE DAY - by Matisyahu

sometimes I lay
under the moon
and thank God I'm breathing
then I pray
don't take me soon
cause I am here for a reason
sometimes in my tears I drown
but I never let it get me down
so when negativity surrounds
I know some day it'll all turn around
because all my life
I've been waiting for
I've been praying for
for the people to say
that we don't wanna fight no more
there'll be no more wars
and our children will play
one day
it's not about
win or lose
causewe all lose
when they feed on the souls of the innocent
blood drenched pavement
keep on moving though the waters stay raging
in this maze you can
lose your way (your way)
it might drive you crazy but don't let it faze you
no way (no way)
sometimes in my tears I drown
but I never let it get me down
so when negativity surrounds
I know some day it'll all turn
around
because all my life I've been waiting for
I've been praying
for
for the people to say
that we don't wanna fight no more
there'll be no more wars
and our children will play
one day
one day this all
will change
treat people the same
stop with the violence
down with the hate
one day we'll all be free
and proud to be
under the same
sun
singing songs of freedom like
one day x4
all my life I've been
waiting for
I've been praying for
for the people to say
that we don't
wanna fight no more
there'll be no more wars
and our children will
play
one day

I just keep feeling haunted by the line "..... cause we all lose/when they feed on the souls of the innocent/blood drenched pavement".... it seems tragically fitting. 

I read a quote from one of the rescue workers talking about the people left in the theater and how different cell phones kept ringing and ringing... but obviously, the owner wasn't going to answer.  How awful for the people there to bear witness to such an act of senseless violence and to the pain of knowing that someone else right then was trying to call their loved one to find out if they were .... alive. 

After events like 911, Columbine and now this .... I always feel like I don't know how to smile, as if my happiness flies in the face of those tragic deaths and how *wrong* it feels to be joyful or happy when you know someone else is suffering so much.... but the truth is - whether it's a tragedy we suffer first hand, or we are just bystanders  watching misery and grief overwhelm an entire town or Nation - I feel compelled to be GRATEFUL.  I feel OBLIGATED to celebrate my own life.... to find JOY in my own personal misery because if I don't - then how do I DESERVE to be here when those INNOCENT people are no longer.....?  No doubt they would trade places with me in a heartbeat - fat ass, cheating husband, media bonanza and all.  Which is incredibly humbling in my opinion.

So tonight my thoughts and prayers are with a nation mourning for the loss of the innocent... and they are also with the "James Holmes" of the world who might be planning such a tragedy of their own and I just hope they can get help or someone around them can stop them before they do something like this..... *****

**** PLEASE KNOW:  that in NO WAY do I think having your husband hook up with a yoga chic compares IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM with this kind of tragedy.  IT DOES NOT.  However, all day today I've had the same kind of feelings I had after 911 - the sort of "deer in the headlights of a National Tragedy" feeling where I'm just not sure HOW I'm supposed to feel.... I hope that's clear in the post.

---

You can listen/BUY
ONE DAY
HERE  on Amazon.