greatfamilyhome.com
Search for a Post
  • The House & Sign
    • Magnets!!!!
  • The Scorned & Bitter Blog
    • Disneyland!
  • The Book!
  • Say Hi to Elle!

Am I "Edward Ready"?

1/15/2013

10 Comments

 
This morning fell apart and I left my laptop at home for a meeting... so I had to scratch the gym, then go to my meeting, *then* go the gym.  However, the kids club is closed by 12noon, so the kids stayed home with The Bubbie and I went in later than I usually do.

Walking into the front doors my phone is going crazy..... a client is IMing me on facebook, my publisher was calling from the UK to set up an interview (super exciting!), my email was going crazy and I'm trying to check in to the gym and so I sit down on the leather seat in the lobby to finish my call and in walks......

El Capitan.
And, I have a teeny-weeny confession to make... one, which will no doubt reign the slight annoyance of many of you upon me......

A few years I set up a membership at a gym - and at the time, they had a kids club special, which was only $10 per kid per month - AND - you get two hours a time and you can go twice a day if you want.  That is an AMAZING deal... they don't even offer it anymore.

So, years went by - and I went off and on... and when I didn't go, I considered it my "fat tax".  Money I couldn't otherwise spend on food or trinkets or going out... a constant reminder that I *should* be making the most of it and going to the damn gym. 

A few years ago I added El Capitan to my membership plan.  Now.... the answer to the question you're alllll wondering is:  no, I did not cancel his membership.

Even when I KNEW he was lying and telling me that he *needed* the membership because he was "showering" there because he was "homeless" even though he was living with Yoga Girl: He asked me not to cancel it, and I did not.

Even when our divorce was final, our assets were separated:  I did not cancel his membership.

There are *many* hills I have had to climb - and few I've had to "die on" so-to-speak - during this divorce process.... a gym membership was the least of my concerns and not something I was willing to throw down about.  Let me explain.

Right or wrong... it seems petty to me - to cancel El Capitan gym membership.  It's $29 a month.  $29 bucks that say's - "I'm not a b*tch - and I'm showing you a kindness..."

It doesn't make me a saint... it doesn't make me the 'bigger person':  it's simply a kindness.
Sure, one could argue, that El Capitan doesn't deserve my kindness - and the Ex-Wife in me might completely agree with this... but My Kid's Mother thinks is $29 and cancelling it would be petty... and I didn't want to be petty.

So, he still has the same gym membership attached to mine and I pay for it.
At least for now.

So there I was, on the phone to London, in my gym clothes (looking *awesome*) - and El Capitan walks in and plops down on the chair next to me.  He waits for me to get off the phone and I fill him in on the interview - and he's genuinely excited for me.... he hopes The Book is doing well.

The conversation between us is easy.... free from anger - free from the usual suspicions that have haunted many of our recent conversations.... we're laughing - I'm cracking a few jokes about Yoga Girl, he's letting a few laughs slip, he tells me about some *crazy* ex-wife videos he watched on YouTube, we talked about The Boy's birthday:  what to buy?  What about a birthday party?

If you were sitting across from us:  you would think it was two old friends chatting.
Not two exes who have made National news because El Capitan's a cheater..... not two people, one of whom was screaming at the other only three days ago - and who struggle at times to get along. 

It was...... normal.

Now, the good news is that.... while I *enjoyed* talking to him - sorting out a few things - it didn't make me miss him.  It didn't make me sad.... instead of making me think - "why did he leave?"  blah blah blah..... I left our conversation thinking ... sweet:  forward progress.

At this point... I'll take any freakin' progress I can get, honestly.

I went on my way, turned on Breaking Dawn and started my ten mile bike ride.... and after I thought about it, I realized that I still fell *whole*.  I didn't feel sad or angry or bitter.... or ..... anything  at all.
And *that* - the absence of pain, the absence of feeling a great loss and sadness:  that made me happy.

I sat there watching Breaking Dawn and I started thinking about a facebook chat with a friend from last night and they asked me, "Are you ready to meet your "Edward"?

At the time, I didn't really have an answer. 
At first it really caught me off guard because lots of people talk to me - talk around me - sh*t... talk *about* me - but not that many ask about me.  (Alex... you're clearly not in that group. :)

The last ten months were hard. I didn't see it coming, didn't even think I should be worried about such a thing - and then suddenly I was faced with dealing with the betrayal of it all.
Really... it was the betrayal that hurt the most - the lying.... and - El Capitan went OUT OF HIS WAY to continue to lie and be hurtful welll after I field for divorce. Part of "healing" has been coming to terms with the fact that this person who was supposed to love me and protect me was doing the EXACT opposite.
It was really hard to understand that. Hard to accept JUST that - regardless of who had done it to me.

Then I had to realize and come to terms with the fact that El Capitan wasn't the man he was supposed to be... and so, I kind of had to grieve that loss.  I had to grieve the loss of the husband I *thought * I had, but never had.... which is complicated, but necessary.

I am .... a lot of things, but mostly I'm loyal, honest, true, I'm a good friend - and I'm the kind of friend who can go through hard times with someone - who can forgive a friend if they done or said something that wasn't kind or was a wrong.... I'm the kind of person who *believes* in people - and while I *do* have a bit of a "hard candy shell" (especially with media people) - I'm very easy going - and I *always* try to do the right thing. Period.

El Capitan knows all that about me ... and did what he did anyway - that was hard to try to understand and accept.

Today, sitting in the gym lobby, I realized that all of the emotions tied up with the above issue's were.... gone.  I got up and walked tot he locker room *not* in a cloud, but laughing at something funny El Capitan had said and then went on to the bike.  Simple. Nice. Normal.
HoofreakinYah.

So then I started thinking about the question from the night before....  I don't know if it's a question about "being ready" for anything... instead, I think that (and most importantly) I'm *excited* about the possibilities of meeting people who *will* see and value the things about me that El Capitan did not.

I've come to accept the reality that my marriage was *not* full... and at many points, it was not happy, which is really, really hard for me to admit.  And even though  I was always trying to *make* it happy -the truth is that that didn't actually mean *I* was happy.

Talk about a *serious* realization.

Am I "ready" for my potential Edward?  Well.. in the first place I'm not all that sure there's an "Edward" that's interested.... BUT, regardless of that:  I'm ready to be happy.

I'm ready to get to know people and start enjoying my life again - and at some point - the person who *will* protect me at all costs - the person who *will* value me and love me, the person who is *meant* to spend their time laughing and enjoying the children *with* me, ...... they will find me... and who the hell isn't ready for that? hahahah

And.... you know what - *if* I had cancelled El Capitan's gym membership... it might not have happened.  If I had been petty - just because I could  - after all, *why* should I pay for someone who cheated on me to work out and get buffer for Yoga Girl and a million other reasons *why* I would have been justified in cancelling his membership..... if I had done that - I *might* have missed out on the healing that today's conversation brought me. What a loss that would have been for me.... certainly a bigger loss than the potential "thrill" of cutting of his gym membership would have possibly (but not likely) brought me.

So today.... we're going to call it a Win for Kindness.
Sometimes.... just a little bit of kindness - even if undeserved - goes a long way.












10 Comments
emma
1/15/2013 10:35:31 pm

This post made me smile. A much needed smile. Is our Edward ready for you? lol. Of course he is. Now while you are biking, might I suggest occasionally breaking the gaze with fantasy Edward (only for a second! he will still be there, I promise!) and looking around. Your Edward might be right there. Or maybe not but it's fun looking, right? keep up the good work. Is the excersice also improving your mood? One hot momma. :)

Reply
Shirley link
1/15/2013 11:05:10 pm

Inasmuch as you chastised us, your loyal readers, for not letting you know that some of your blog posts don’t finish … Oops, you did it again. AND, I am relieved things went so well at the gym with El Capitan because the out-of-control screaming in the last post had me worried for your safety and the safety of the children when in his custody. BUT … the quick switcheroo in his behavior is sounding a little schizo. So, though the gym went well and you yourself have turned a corner and are on the upside, because El Capitan is appearing more and more a few eggs short of a dozen, my instincts are telling me that your upside will eventually elicit jealousy, animosity and more out-of-control screaming from El Capitan. Enjoy the upside and the "nice normal" relationship with El Capitan, but don't forget you no longer know who he is or what he is capable of.

Reply
Jenny
1/16/2013 12:45:33 am

Am I doing something wrong when I post a comment? I've posted like 5 or 6 comments over the last few weeks and they never show up. I don't know what's been happening because other comments show up from other people after I posted mine, so I am assuming it must be me!!!

Reply
Melissa
1/16/2013 12:57:08 am

Elle, your post cut off at the end. (I'm telling you this time, LOL) But I suspect the rest was "goes a long way."

I'm glad this exchange was pleasant. I suspect EC was trying to keep it that way so it wouldn't occur to you to hop up and cancel his membership on the spot (LOL). And, about that...people make decisions to do what they do for a variety of reasons. And yes, it appears to have "worked out" this time. However, paying $29 a month for his gym membership doesn't make sense when you're trying to figure out how to pay for things for you and the kids (birthday party?). Since some circumstances have changed (i.e. you need money) you may want to reconsider this and let EC know that he'll need to start paying for his own gym membership. Give him at least 30-days notice. That really (truly!!) is all the kindness you "owe" to him. Keeping him on your membership...well, it's just another tie between the two of you taht needs to be severed to help YOU move on.

Hugs!

Reply
Jenny-Jen-Jen
1/16/2013 01:24:16 am

I believe your Edward is right around the corner and it will happen when you open yourself up to the possibility of being vulnerable again. Let loose you have a lot to gain, and your fairy tale could come true.

Reply
Alex
1/16/2013 03:10:12 am

Hi Elle!

If you were referring to me about asking questions about you, I'm sorry if I was being nosy! Take it as a compliment. I tend to drill lecturers I like, and the more I like them, the more questions I throw at them. It's a nod to your writing. You're leaving people wanting more!

I'm sure you can guess my views on continuing to pay his gym membership, (I'm too cheap to cough up $40/mon for a membership of my own!) and you've got a point, that kindness gave you a freedom you wouldn't have otherwise. Now that you have it, perhaps it's time to have him reimburse you for the membership at least? ;)>

As for being ready to meet your Edward, I'm no expert, but I think the answer "What? Sorry, I can't hear you because of all this fun!" is just a desirable an answer as "Yes". He'll come when he comes, and I think you're only "ready" once you meet "Edward" rather than only meeting "Edward" once you're ready. :)

Reply
Jaimey
1/16/2013 02:20:37 pm

Yay for healing!!! ... Now you can cancel his membership. ;) lmao

Reply
Kay
1/16/2013 03:31:05 pm

Elle,

I'm glad you had a good conversation with El Caption. Keep up the good work, and the good deeds. They will pay off to your benefit later.

You'll reach your goals, and before you reach the finish line... El Caption will begin to hover... he'll turn on the charm and make you feel super comfortable and maybe even toss in a few surprises along the way.... just always keep in mind... His eyesight will greatly improve, his fog will lift and he will be in love with you all over again....

Know that he will need you, much more than you ever thought you needed him... live well, trust me it is the best revenge.

Reply
Toss That Edward Into the Ocean
1/16/2013 07:34:18 pm

You are the person who will protect you at all costs, you are the person who will value yourself and love yourself, you will spend time laughing and enjoying the children.

You. Not your Edward. Toss that Edward away and see who floats your way.

I am glad you are ready to be happy, I've been ready for awhile myself but I finding myself in an infinite loop where happy is outside of the loop. I know where the exit is on the loop but often I get distracted and forget to get off :D

Your posted reminded to get back to reading my fav Zen blog (I dig Lao Tzu)

http://zenhabits.net/ah/
^^
Every once in awhile I need to remind myself I am happy 99% of my day, and not dwell on the 1% that wants to hijack my complete attention.




Reply
Jenny
1/20/2013 05:54:57 am

Just remember $30 a month = $360 a year... Good savings towards a vacation for you & the kids... Oh, & you should add in the storage fee too... It's about time that he takes care of himself, he's not your child.. And I say this with utmost respect for what you're doing & trying to do, which is be nice, but you can be nice without forking out money that should be going to you & the kids ;)

Reply

Your comment will be posted after it is approved.


Leave a Reply.

    Buy The Book!
    ON AMAZON!

    Picture
    also available on Kindle!!!!!

    Elle Zober

    Mother, "scorned wife", photographer, designer,  potential blog writer and recent guest on The View.... life's been pretty crazy as of late - crazybeautiful that is!
    You can see some of Elle's photography at:
    http://www.zoberimages.com/
    Picture

    Archives

    April 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    April 2014
    March 2014
    February 2014
    December 2013
    November 2013
    October 2013
    September 2013
    August 2013
    July 2013
    June 2013
    May 2013
    April 2013
    March 2013
    February 2013
    January 2013
    December 2012
    November 2012
    October 2012
    September 2012
    August 2012
    July 2012

    Categories

    All
    Being A Gay Mom
    Bullies & Internet Trolls
    Cheating Husband
    Cheating Spouses
    Coming Out After 30
    Co Parenting
    Co-Parenting
    Divorce
    Gay
    Healing
    Heartbroken
    Lesbian
    Lesbian Mom
    Lost Love
    Motherhood
    Moving On
    Scorned & Bitter
    Single Parenting
    The Other Woman
    True Love

    SITE DISCLAIMER/
    POINTS OF FACT:
    El Capitan not only KNEW about and approved the signs, he helped pay for them.  :)
    The children have NOT seen the signs and will NOT see the signs.  PERIOD.
    This SITE and the SIGN were made to SELL OUR HOME.... what else this *might* be turning into is unclear, but the original intent was bereft of revenge or malice and was truly to sell our home.
    We ARE DIVORCED and for the very reason the sign suggests.

    RSS Feed

    91,395 Readers
    and counting...

Scorned, slighty bitter but still, grateful and very happy... life is good.
PS.... you *WILL find errors in grammar, spelling and otherwise... I am just a Mom - now a 'single Mom' who
writes The Blog from a place of honesty \and usually in the dark at 1:00am.... so please be understanding. cheers. :)