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A Bit of Truth Goes  A Looooong Way

1/13/2013

10 Comments

 
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If you've read The Book, or followed The Blog, then you have probably seen what I posted on facebook when El Capitan and I first split up. 

What you wouldn't have seen were the many, many postings on my facebook wall - such as the one to the right - where my very protective, wonderful and well-meaning friends would post images or comments calling Yoga Girl a "slut" or a "whore", etc.

I won't lie.... little images like this one *do* make me giggle.  I mean these thing are written to be funny - and ... they are.  However, what you won't see is that on my wall I would defend Yoga Girl.  I would, while laughing under my breath, remind people that this was a young, 'stupid' 22 year old and that while having a sexual relationship *with* my husband while he was *very much* still my husband.... makes her allllll kinds of things to me:  that doesn't maker her a "slut".

I have very mixed feelings about Yoga Girl.  When this started, I was grateful to her for her honesty - and I shared that with her on two occasions.  I thought A. LOT. about this person who interfered in my marriage - I wondered about what she looked like, how she moved, I spent FAR. TOO. MANY hours imaging what they talked about..... I know he must have turned on all his humorous charm - telling his best jokes and being the 'fun guy' he is.....

Winning her over.

While she would have known who I was - who my children were.... I didn't really know who she was.  I didn't know anything about her.... while I found that terribly unfair - I *still* had to consider what I did know about her at the time, which inclined me to 'hate' her a little less than I should.

When I asked, she admitted to having sex with my husband, and this was *while* he was denying he knew her at all... let alone that he had played 'hide the sausage' with her..... she was honest with me.  Before I had the unfortunate opportunity to talk with her further.... this honestly weighed on me a good deal.

In spite of it all... I gave her the tiniest bit of credit: for her initial honestly. 

As time when on and their lies grew two fold, then three fold -  the little bit of respect I had for her waned, but still, I didn't want to stoop to the level of calling her names.  I am many things... but I was above that, or at least I hoped I was.

I spent ever MORE time thinking about how they kissed... when they kissed.... where they had sex, and... sadly.... *how* they had sex.... I even asked her once - "Does he do that one little thing that he always did with me like *right* before he finishes......?"

She didn't like the question.... in fact, she doesn't like talk to me at all.  She say's things like, "... it isn't respectful to talk about [El Capitan]......" - and she speaks to me like a teenage girl speaks to her Mother after she has been caught sneaking in her bedroom window with her hair pushed up in the back, shirt miss-buttoned:  classic signs of a 'walk of shame'..... only she's talking to the woman whose husband *did* that shameful act...

When we spoke, even though I *had* shown her respect - I had refrained from calling her names, I have not screamed at her, shown up at her place of work, harassed her.... nothing.  I didn't even speak to her until I caught them texting TWO WEEKS after he *swore* to me that they weren't together and her "hardly knew her".... and then I simply called her on his cell phone.  I needed the truth:  I hoped she would give it to me.

When I spoke to her I wanted answers and hoped I would get... some?  a few?  I thought she might be young - and possibly a bit timid?  Yet, there was no remorse in her tone.  There was no discernible regret, no moment of pause where she heard the pain my voice and the tears streaming down my face and she would express the appropriate guilt and concern one human being shows another.... but there was none. 

When she heartlessly and matter-of-factly, informed me that my marriage was "loveless" and that she had "saved" El Capitan from a marriage where we no longer talked and he was "alone".  (Hard to be 'alone' when you're banging two different women.... but there you have it.)

THAT was when she became Ugly Baby Teeth.  But not before.... not before *she* was rude and unkind....

To this day, while I am *very* unimpressed with Yoga Girl, in fact my favorite thing to say about her to El Capitan is...."She's a quality item Clark....."  (it's a Christmas Vacation reference)..... I have been careful not to call her names or just stoop to the level of calling her a "slut".  (Mind you, in the effort of full disclosure, there I have, when talking with friends, called her a "b" spelled with a "c".  lolololol)

Yesterday, I got an email that I want to share because I think that *this* girl's story - while I'm fairly certain it's *not* Yoga Girl's story.... is important, and one that needs to be shared. 

There are *many* people who have been and *will* continue to be hurt by El Capitan's choice to cheat.  He *had* other choices.... he could have done the manly thing and sit down and say... "So... here's the deal:  I'm not happy and I want out."  Or, he could have answered me *honestly* during the three weeks he was actively cheating and I was begging him in the kitchen to tell me what was wrong and he lied and said.... "nothing". 

So I'm hurt, the children have just been given a lifetime membership to the Hall of Hurt - and no matter what I do:  it will never go away.

I don't know if one day Yoga Girl will wake up and realize what she's done -t he damage she's caused, the pained she's helped inflict on my children..... I personally believe she is bereft of feeling any kind of guilt, impossible of any kind of ownership for her actions... but on the off chance I'm wrong, I will remember the words of the email below and allow them to linger.... again, I'm open to being wrong.    I really am.

Dear Elle,

Yesterday while I was online, a news link to your For Sale sign led me to your story. By 11am this morning, I had read every entry of your blog and I plan to buy your book very soon.

Elle, I was a Yoga Girl. A much different personality from your YG, with a different scenario, but nevertheless, I ended up being one almost a decade ago. You and I are about the same age. I make no excuses. I'm not proud of it. In fact, it is the one thing I have done that I truly regret. There is so much more to the story, but I am married to the man who was only separated, not divorced, when we chose to be together (I was single, no kids). His sons both under ##### years old when he and his wife finally divorced.

There is so much you might assume about me, and about us, and most of it would probably be wrong. My husband and I have been married ####  years now, with his ex-wife and her husband married ####  years, and while I have committed myself to being the best stepmom possible, and have laid low knowing my place isn't as a main decision maker (ex-wife and my husband share joint custody), I realize more and more how much pain I have caused.

One of my best friends has very recently been put in your shoes, in so many similar ways to your own story. Being with her through her hell, and reading stories like yours makes me vividly confront the chocies I made. All these years, our blended homes have worked to coexist cordially (cordial, not quite friendly). But I am ashamed to say that I have not once apologized to my husband's ex, and I know that doesn't make ANYTHING better, it doesn't change anything, but it should have been done a long time ago.

Back when I hooked up with this man, I was not thinking of anyone but him and me. I did not think about the consequences to his wife or children. There was more to the story, all around, but my actions boil down to me being selfish and young, and seizing a moment without thinking about how it would affect anyone else. I was wrong to do that. I know I need to make time to tell this to the ex-wife, to her face, and I do not expect anything, not even acknowledgment. But I am sorry. And I am sorry for what you are going through.

Your story and blog help women not just in your shoes, but hopefully are eye openers to those of us who shared Yoga Girl's shoes instead. I am horribly aware, now so late down the road, that I caused so much pain to another woman who I never set out to hurt, but who I also never thought to respect in the first place.

I will make it a priority to apologize, though it might mean beans at this point. I will also continue being a good stepmom. I just wanted to write you and thank you for the honesty of your blogs. You are a strong woman making the best of a shitty situation...but with both your strength and your ability to put the kids first, you will be alright. That part is very clear.

Best regards,
XXXXXXXXXXXXXX


****************************************

Sometimes, when we're willing to be honest, when we're willing to accept our own failures *that's* when we might see a teeny-tiny bit of change in ourselves, or in the world around us. 

It's not much... but I'll take it. 


10 Comments
Alex
1/14/2013 06:09:25 am

Wow. I have so many questions for that writer and wonder what lies ahead for her, and how she can confront it. I could be reading into this wrong, but when she says what she did is the only thing she truly regrets, well, she's married to it now and has been for a long time. I wonder where she'll get the strength to deal with that.

I give her a lot of credit for having the guts to face it, and be honest with herself. It sounds like it has taken a lot of time and experience to get there.

I wonder if Yoga Girl doesn't have that strength yet and maybe she is acting as if she doesn't feel guilty in order to live in denial. It might be easier for her to be cold to the pain she's caused.

Maybe she doesn't have all that much courage after all. Perhaps she was honest with you just to force El Capitan's hand because she knew he wouldn't do it himself. Which makes one think even less of El Capitan as a man, if he's having a young girl do his dirty work. She probably hasn't seen it in that light yet.

Of course, where she thinks she gets off telling *you* about respect is beyond me. Perhaps it's even more "dumb little girl trying to look confident". The question about whether or not he does that thing with her he did with you pissed her off probably because it burst her bubble on her feelings of specialness somehow.

Reply
Elle
1/15/2013 03:12:47 pm

THIS IS FROM THE LADY WHO WROTE THE MESSAGE I POSTED:

Hi Alex,

I'm the person that wrote the email you had questions about. To clarify, when I wrote it's the one thing I truly regret, I meant that hurting the ex-wife is the one thing I truly regret. There are many things about our story I did not disclose for various reasons, but mostly because I was focusing on my own actions and choices.
My husband and I have a good marriage. We struggle sometimes with issues like money and communication...pretty common. I hesitate to elaborate because I know readers will be skeptical. Yes, I have heard the saying, "Once a cheater, always a cheater." Do I think it will happen to me? You know, I can't be sure. Can any person be sure?

I don't know how much is appropriate to write, and I know my story upsets a lot of people, especially women who would only see me as a slut. I made a really bad decision that hurt people. Yes. I did. I wish I had waited until the divorce was final. There was definite attraction there, and there were definite efforts on both my part and my now husband's part to not see each other. But ultimately that did not work.

No, I do not regret my marriage to my husband, and the relationships I have built within our family and extended family. I regret how it started, without respecting boundaries, people. I have not lived my life this way. To those who might think I amount to a slut, you do not know the whole story, you don't know who I have grown to be. I did make a shitty, disrespectful, hurtful mistake. I was only thinking of me at the time. There is no other excuse.

Reply
Elle
1/15/2013 03:20:39 pm

I *really* appreciate your first letter and this one - I think that (right or wrong) - we can all benefit from seeing other sides - other pain.

I'm not going to say what you did was right or wrong - then - but in my *current* shoes NOW - I can only hope that Yoga Girl would grow up to have your respect and appreciation.

Sometimes, it's not what we *do* in life - it's how we react and grow - and how all improve.

I appreciate the honesty and introspection. Thank you both :)

Alex
1/14/2013 06:15:01 am

Just to add, in no way am I blaming you for not being super sweet and cuddly to Yoga Girl, how she's behaved is still inexcusable and she hasn't gotten half of what she'd have gotten if she pulled this at her high school or her dorm, and that would only have been over some dumb disposable guy, not a husband and father. So she can't complain much.

Reply
Kay
1/14/2013 01:48:30 pm

Great post Elle. Yes, all Yoga Girls at some point will be "sorry" for their role. Not all will admit it to anyone more than their own mind...but some will come forward.

We probably should not forget about all those "wannabe" Yoga Girls. These are the ones who didn't make the cut, simply because some *blind* women (me being one) thought we should forgive, and doing so prolonged the marriage but never replaced the trust.

I have known many Yoga Girls in my time, and I know first hand when the relationship ends... they then realize they were simply on "borrowed time" until the next Yoga Girl comes along....

Someday... Baby Teeth Yoga Girl will find out her current shoes won't fit too well, and the first person that comes to her mind will be you and the pain she caused. Today, it's a thought to give her your shoes to walk in... when the time comes.... you'll likely just smile because by then, you'll be making flavored Vodka!

Reply
Jaimey
1/14/2013 02:36:12 pm

What a powerful letter! What courage it took to admit that. Good for her. Now if only _._._ would do the same, before a decade passes. :( I'm afraid I wouldn't be holding my breath for cunt monkey to see the light.

Reply
Mercy
1/15/2013 03:00:52 am

Wow for a moment I wondered if it was my stepmother in law. It would be a great surprise to know she regrets it. I have to admit I had a very difficult time meeting her for the first time and stiill feel awkward talking to her. I do however give her credit for helping financially to raise three boys that weren't hers.

Reply
Jaimey
1/15/2013 02:37:26 pm

I'm a little sad, I'm not gonna lie, that you didn't publish my comment. :'(

Reply
The writer of the email in this post
1/15/2013 02:53:53 pm

Hi Elle, I included the email addy I initially wrote you from just to confirm I'm the same person. Please don't disclose my email addy anywhere. Thanks. I'd like to respond to Alex, if I could:

Hi Alex,

I'm the person that wrote the email you had questions about. To clarify, when I wrote it's the one thing I truly regret, I meant that hurting the ex-wife is the one thing I truly regret. There are many things about our story I did not disclose for various reasons, but mostly because I was focusing on my own actions and choices.
My husband and I have a good marriage. We struggle sometimes with issues like money and communication...pretty common. I hesitate to elaborate because I know readers will be skeptical. Yes, I have heard the saying, "Once a cheater, always a cheater." Do I think it will happen to me? You know, I can't be sure. Can any person be sure?

I don't know how much is appropriate to write, and I know my story upsets a lot of people, especially women who would only see me as a slut. I made a really bad decision that hurt people. Yes. I did. I wish I had waited until the divorce was final. There was definite attraction there, and there were definite efforts on both my part and my now husband's part to not see each other. But ultimately that did not work.

No, I do not regret my marriage to my husband, and the relationships I have built within our family and extended family. I regret how it started, without respecting boundaries, people. I have not lived my life this way. To those who might think I amount to a slut, you do not know the whole story, you don't know who I have grown to be. I did make a shitty, disrespectful, hurtful mistake. I was only thinking of me at the time. There is no other excuse.

Reply
Melissa
1/16/2013 12:31:36 am

LOL!!!! LOVE the graphic!!!! :)

Reply

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