This is going to be hard to write.... and I think, hard for people to understand... but here goes.

Since coming out I've gotten lots of email.... some good... some, not so kind.... and a few from men and women who have read what I've written about growing up gay in a straight kids world, and they find themselves relating to what I wrote far too well.

They - like me - never set out to "trick" or harm anyone.  
They - like me - believed that they were supposed to grow up, get married, have kids, etc....
They - like me - believed that doing anything *other* than marrying someone of the opposite sex wasn't acceptable... that it wasn't something their friends and family could support.

*THAT* is why I am constantly writing about how important.... no - *IMPERAF*CKINGTIVE*  - it is for all children to be exposed to positive examples of same sex couples.  I'm not saying you have to talk about it or even endorse it..... but just seeing a pictures of a *happy* family that is two Moms or two Dads - THAT would have told me so much more about who I was as a child......and growing up, I might not have felt so....damaged.

That's the thing.  

Among teens, those who identify as gay are FIVE TIMES MORE LIKELY to commit suicide than their 'straight' peers.  FIVE F*CKING TIMES.

As it is, the majority of teen suicide is LGBTQ based.... kids who get bullied, can't accept who they are - because their *parents* won't accept them..... or may be they just believe that their parents would rather have a DEAD kid than a gay one...... 
Yup.... that's honestly what it comes down to.

How do I know that?
How can I write such harsh words so pointedly.....?
Because *I* felt that way.... duh.

I *never* for ONE SINGLE DAY, thought that being a lesbian was an option.  I didn't want to lose my friends or my family or..... my *Church* - because once upon a time I was actually *engaged* to a guy who was in school for ministry and as Janda could tell you:  no one can out-thump a Bible like me.... believe that.

I prayed and prayed and prayed to be normal.....
to not be broken.....
to be the same.....
to *feel* the same......
But I never did.  Nothing ever changed.

I would date boys and fall in love and try sooooooo hard to be like everyone else.  It never came from a place is dishonesty or tricking or lying..... it came from a place of wanting to be like everyone else - wanting to be happy and make the people in my life happy...... or wanting to be 'normal'.

Recently, I've been exchanging emails with someone who knows, all to well, how I have felt and....how I feel now.  They are married with kids and also very connected to their community and their faith.  

They are also gay.

Like me, (we are a similar age) - they grew up in a conservative home and only wanted what everyone else on the planets wants: love and to be accepted.  So, like me, they grew up, married someone of the opposite sex, had kids and started down the road that Hollywood and society *promises* us all will bring us a lifetime of happiness and blooper reels and the kind of love that will keep us holding wrinkled hands on a porch swing watching our grand kids play.

For me, this was always enough.  I never wanted anything else when I was married.
That's a TRUE STORY.

Now, let's be fair and I will admit that due to *VARIOUS* factors in my marriage, one of which is *most certainly* my sexual orientation.... I was less and less inclined to *want* to have sex with El Capitan:  but that doesn't mean I stopped doing it.  Having said that.... a less than enthusiastic partner is hardly an aphrodisiac - right? lolol  

I've said it before, but it's worth mentioning again:  among several of my peers, *not* having a super active sex life 6,7,8,9 years into a marriage *wasn't* an uncommon theme and most of these people were NOT gay.... so - you know... that sh*t can go downhill for a lot of reasons... lololol

So, for me, I never had.... 'temptation.'  Mind you, I also didn't go out into the LGBTQ community.  I didn't seek the social company of lesbians.  I shot an LBTQ wedding once, during my marriage, and there was a woman there who.... to put it nicely:  had every nerve I never even knew I *had*:  standing on edge.
Being around her was .... quite honestly:  electric.
So I got the f*ck out of there as soon as I as done with my job and went home to my husband and my child.
Period.

I didn't even *for one single second* believe that I wanted anything other than being apart of my wonderful, amazing little family that I loved.... 

But not everyone who walks in my shoes feels this way.

The person I've been emailing has met someone of the same sex who they have.... fallen in love with.
And it's heartbreaking.

I see all sides of this *very* clearly.

I know their pain.
I know what their spouses pain will be when they find out.
... though, their relationship has been rocky for a while, it doesn't matter:  this will hit them like a ton of bricks.
If they are *honest* about their feelings.... this will destroy their marriage.
.... tear apart their family.
.... make them the 'enemy' for a lot of friends and family.  

Worst of it all:  it will put a swift and untimely end to their children's sense of safety and security.
I think this is, above all else: the worst outcome possible.
Which is why I never left... never 'explored' some thoughts and feelings I had. For me, the idea of taking apart my children'ts family was *NOT* an option.  It just wasn't.

So, I have been honest with this person.... honest about how *AMAZING* it is to be out and living as the person I believe I was born to be...... 

.... I've never felt so comfortable in my own skin.
.... I've never felt more *proud* of who I am.
..... I've never had such fulfilling relationships.
.... oh... and yeah:  I've kind of never had better sex.  
That's for *damn* sure. lololol

However, this has *ALL* come at a huge cost for The Boy and The Girl who have paid the price for a marriage that went horribly wrong.... (NOT ALLLLL BECAUSE I WAS GAY - ONLY IN PART, dammit.lolol) - Not ONE of the reasons above are worth more to me, *mean* more to me, than my children's sense of safety and self and well-being.... and those are things that divorce attacks very quickly.

My "happiness" was never worth it... sure, that's partly due to the fact that while I *knew* something was missing, I never *ever* identified was that was..... and so I thought it was something I could live very happily with out....  this person knows better.

This person has feelings and emotions and certain actions have taken place that have put this persons heart and mind in a tail spin..... and all I can do it try to help them "right their plane" and stay in the air.  

From the get go... .my advice has been two fold:  get a counselor and DO NOT DO THIS.

Do not leave your spouse.
Do not break up your family.
Do not destroy everything you know and love and have....  

It will be a looooong time before your "happiness" will tip the scales of all the loss.
It will be hard- *almost impossible* to start over financially their age.
They have no means to gain employment that would support a single parent.
It will be *harder* to find people to day within the LGBTQ community when you do have kids.  
That's a fact.

My opinion isn't a popular one..... again, it doesn't come from any kind of 'shame'... NOT AT ALL.  But once you're a Mom or a Dad..... your kids *should* come first.  That's just how I feel.

At least once a week I will tell Hail Mary that if I could go back in time and stop it all.... stop it from happening, that I would. I would stay married, so my family could stay together.  So I could continue to mother my children how I wanted to.... so we wouldn't all have to give up so much (due to the finances of a being a single Mom).

And she understands.  She realizes that that doesn't negate my feelings for her.... not at all.  She can see that I have two minds:  my Mommmy mind and my Independent mind.  She also knows that my 'Mommy mind' will always make most of my decisions.... but she also, very gently, reminds me that our marriage broke for a lot of reasons and that in spite of that breaking:  the kids are okay.

They are happy.
They are adjusting to everything.
They are accepting.
They are open and kind and still giggly and fun and .... somewhat innocent.  

I hold onto that.

So, while my advice remains the same:  DO NOT DO THIS. 
I can understand why someone would.
I can understand why they would not.

I just with *other people* understood how *un-simple* these situations are.... that no one is setting out to lie or hurt or trick anyone...  
Sigh.

There are some heavy conversations heading towards this person and my heart breaks for them because either way because if they fight to stay.... they will be miserable.  However... if they are honest and their family breaks up:  they will know another kind of misery.
It's a lose/lose situation.

My final piece of advice was this:  don't lie. If your spouses asks you if you are gay and you believe that you are... you *have* to tell the truth.  It's one thing to lie to yourself (which inadvertently hurts other people) and it's another thing to *lie* to your spouse..... so if they ask and your heart of hearts screams YES:  then just say it.

Say it with love.
Say it with compassion.
Say it with patience and understanding that you will pay a heavy, heavy price for who you are.
It's not fair... but that's the way it is.


Being gay isn't easy.... being *out* and visible can be *less* easy..... 

For me though, I am where I am and I can't change it, no matter how much I might have wanted to..... I can't go back and now that I have found someone who is amazing and makes me feel whole and loved and *happy*..... well, how can I put this.......?

May be Hail Mary is forever.... may be she's not.  
I think to some degree my 'forever button' is a little bit broken.....

BUT, what was missing in my life prior to the end of things was ...happiness, fun, adventure, passion..... and now that *WE* have those things with Hail Mary..... I'm not sure I would go back.  Which scares the living sh*t out of me.... because what if she trades me for a younger version later in life? 

What if she goes away......?
But.... you cannot live in 'what if'..... you have to live in what is.

What is being gay after been a straight and married?
Complicated, for sure.
But .... it is also being 'whole' in a way I never knew I could be.

Everyone should be allowed to be whole.
So...while my advice remains the same:  DO NOT DO THIS.
I understand the need to be whole..... and I will be there for this person when their life implodes.

All I can say is this:  we HAVE TO STOP teaching a straight life to our children.  If your family has a Mommy and a Daddy...then they already know what that looks like. They also need to *see* what other families look like- and understand that they are happy, too.  Happy and accepted and okay.

It's such a simple thing..... but it would accomplish so much.  
Teens, who felt their parents could accept a gay child, would be less likely to hate themselves and harm themselves.....
Adults... people like me- may be wouldn't feel as though the only way to *be* happy was marrying someone of the opposite sex and then people like my friend wouldn't be faced with the choice of remaining in an unhappy situation.... or causing a potentially even less happy situation by being honest.

This is why I giggle a little when people say, "Gay people choose to be gay."
Who the f*ck would willingly "choose" all this......?
No one.  Seriously. No one.
lololol.

Now I wait for an email from across the country.... and I'm hoping for the best for all of them.

It's an interesting thing that *most* of El Capitan's and my friends didn't really have much to say when he left...... I think most of our friends tried to stay "neutral" in the sense that all our kids play together,etc.  

For the most part, I didn't hear from El Capitan's friends - at least not until The Sign situation happened and then a few of them send me horrible nasty-grams about how I was "exposing our family" and how *I* was trying to "ruin" him.....
Sigh.

WE bought the f*cking Sign.  WE chose to use The Sign.  HE wanted me to do the first FOX interview that started the whole media ball rolling.... but yes...yes - let's blame ME for everything.
Good plan.
Asshats.

That first night that I found out about La Novia, after El Capitan had left I called a friend of our who I thought actually knew La Novia and was friends with her as well.

This 'friend'..... let's call them:  La Serpiente. 

So, I called La Serpiente and told them what had happened that night - that I saw her picture and thought I knew who she was and that they were also friends.... and La Serpiente said  - no - no way was this girl who I thought she was..... 

La Serpiente was "kind"- they were "shocked" at what El Capitan had done and kept saying... "Are you *sure*?  I really think you've misunderstood things.... I'm pretty sure they *aren't* having an affair." blah  blah blah..... and in my heart wanted to believe him, but my gut knew otherwise.

La Serpiente had been kicking around for a few years - as a "family friend".... but I found their lack of morals and values troubling..... they were bereft of any kind of honesty in most any situation, including crafting bogus "sexual harassment" allegations against a manager at work that they didn't like:  who was subsequently fired.
But it was all lies..... and La Serpiente would sit in my living laughing at the manager's demise at the hand of their lies.
Shameful.

So, I wanted to distance myself (and our family) from such a persona and made this clear to El Capitan who felt "obligated" to remain friends with La Serpiente for 'professional reasons'.  (I'll leave it at that.)

Up until this point, La Serpiente would come over for dinner and hang out from time to time... bought the kids Christmas presents, etc.  SO..... in spite of the fact that I had grown to dislike them - I thought they *might* tell me the truth that fateful night because they seemed to care about my kids and our family as a whole.
Wrong.
So. Wrong.

The day after El Capitan left, La Serpiente was having lunch with El Capitan and *called me* to promise me that I had it "all wrong".... that La Novia was a "one time fling" - that she "meant nothing" and that this "wasn't going anywhere".... etc......

Liar, liar.... flaming pants on flaming fire.
Jackass.

La Serpiente was *Good* friends with La Novia and KNEW that this had been going on for some time.... so why lie to me?  Why wasn't I entitled to the truth from ANYONE?  That's just so frustrating.  Really.  What could comes from lying to me?  What bad could come from telling me the truth?
It boggles the mind.....

Because yes- I just found out my husband of ten years is cheating on me.... I feel as though I've been emotionally gutted... so *lying* to me is going to make this easier.....?  
Not.

Just more layers of betrayal....... 

So I soon figured out that El Capitan was *living* with La Novia and I obviously knew that La Serpiente had been lying to me all this time..... and I made it CLEAR at that time - to El Capitan that I NEVER EVER wanted to see or hear from La Serpiente *EVER* again.
El Capitan agreed and said he would tell them as much.

So..... that was that.  I never heard from La Serpiente again... though I know he remained 'good friends' with La Novia and El Capitan - hanging out at their place, having dinners... etc.  

Dinners La Serpiente pays for - that's how he gets people to hang out with him.... he pays for everything.  It's a pattern that goes back to high school and blowing his inheritance in a year paying for all his friends to party - until he ran out of money and they ditched him...... having some into a second inheritance:  La Serpiente did this again.... oh, and then there's the payout from a large company who La Serpiente made certain 'allegations' against and got a nice little pay day....... 
They are *that* kind of person.
Sigh.

Then..... three days ago, OUT.OF. THE. MOTHERF*CKING. BLUE:  La Serpiente calls.

I see their name illuminate on my phone: and I let it go to voicemail.
A few seconds later.... the phone rings again.
And again.

The third time it rings I start to wonder if something is wrong with El Capitan and may be I should answer it?  So.... I do and the conversation goes like this:

Me:  Hello.....?

La Serpiente:  Hey Elle!  How are you......?

Me:  ...... Fine...... What can I do for you?

La Serpiente:  Oh, I just wanted to call and say hi - ....

I cut La Serpiente off:  "I don't really have anything nice to say to you - so what can I do for you?"

La Serpiente:  Well, there's something I want to say to you...... I think it's really despicable that you tricked [El Capitan] into marrying you when you always knew you were gay......

Me:  Are you f*cking serious right now?  We are NOT friends, nor have we been friends for years - so why would you think you can call and say this to me?

La Serpiente:  [El Capitan] can't believe how to tricked him - and we think it's disgusting.

At this point I hang up the phone.  It's ONE THING for *YOU* to express an opinion you have about me to me ... it's ANOTHER THING to now suggest that El Capitan and La Novia SHARE your expressed opinion.... 

La Serpiente calls back..... again... and again.... and again.
Finally leaving me a 2 minute voice-mail, which I didn't listen to, because I'm busy texting El Capitan about what has happened.

El Capitan calls back when he's off work and I tell him - word for word - what happened.
El Capitan is confused... say's they haven't seen or even really talked to La Serpiente in months....

And I lose my nut...... "If I EVER F*CKING FIND OUT that you and La Novia hold this opinion, one you have NEVER SHARED WITH ME, and are out there telling people that I *tricked* you into the marrying me... I'll f*cking come UNGLUED.  If you have been LYING TO ME and saying sh*t behind my back....I'll f*cking LOSE IT....... "

El Capitan is quiet and listening.... because when we first broke up we made an agreement - that I get to *SAY* whatever the f*ck I want.... I can be mad and yell and use my usual colorful language.... and El Capitan will hear me out and not hang up.

Why?

Because I'm entitled to my anger, my hurt... my feelings - and after ten years of marriage HOW I process those feelings has never changed and it's unreasonable to act *now* like it's "offensive" or whatever....... So our deal is that I can *SAY* whatever I need to say, get my thoughts/emotions/feelings out on the table without fear of El Capitan using it against me later - SO LONG AS:  I make *decisions* with a rational and *FAIR* mind.... which I have ALWAYS DONE.

I believe that this agreement has kept either of us from doing shady sh*t behind each other backs - because we're both clear about where we stand - the good, the bad and the f*cking ugly.... but there is a thick layer of TRUST that remains, which is *key* to being able to move forward and co-parents in a healthy way.

Unless of course.... El Capitan and La Novia are sitting around telling people I "tricked" him into anything.
F*ck.

Now I'm *super* angry and I'm screaming at El Capitan:  "What the f*ck did I "trick" you into......?  Living pay check to paycheck......?  *I* put down the money for our house... MY MONEY:  and I lost it..... *I* PAID FOR THE SATURN with my own money: and I LOST IT. I loved you and supported you RELENTLESSLY and effortlessly.... and you F*CKING KNOW IT."

The phone is quiet for a second... then El Capitan say's, "I've never felt "tricked".  I was there when we met, I know we fell in love.... I know how much you loved me - and I've never - *WE'VE* never talked to [La Serpiente] about any of this and I've never told them I felt "tricked".  I don't think [La Novia] has either, but I will call her as soon as I hang up with you and then I will call [La Serpiente],"

"Fine,"  I tell him, "But this kind of bullsh*t makes me think that you guys are sitting around trashing me.... and THAT doesn't help us move foreward.... if you ARE sitting around talking about me - tell your friends to keep those conversations PRIVATE.  La Novia is entitled to any opinion she has.... HOWEVER - I don't need to f*cking hear about it third hand from some jackass I never liked in the first place........  I'm sure there is a more constructive way we could discuss this between the three of us if need be."

El Capitan *assures* me that no such conversations have taken place and that neither of them feels I "tricked" anyone into anything...... 

I'm still seething with anger..... because even *IF* I had 'tricked' El Capitan.... I came out MONTHS AGO - and in that time the three of us have worked REALLY HARD to co-parent in a friendly, open and honest manner.... La Serpiente making this phone call *is* his right.... he's entitled to his opinion.... but *sharing* this opinion - NOW - is damaging to our entire family set up.

It's *really* hard to trust each other.... it's a hard and challenging situation for all three of us to be navigating and I don't think ANYONE has the right to call *ANYONE* and say things that put that trust in question.... especially someone who has claimed they were a "family friend" and that they "care about" our kids......

If you actually *DID* care about my kids - you wouldn't rock the boat their happiness is resting in.
More to the point - if La Serpiente were *Actually* friends with El Capitan and La Novia, they would understand how much work and trust and forgiveness has gone into all of this and they wouldn't jeopardize it with a misplaced phone call months AFTER THE FACT.... which only serves to do one this:  piss me the f*ck off.  

The *ONLY* person here who got 'tricked'... was ME.
Jackass.

La Serpiente has a full and *personal* understanding of the social, emotional and family issue's that face people who identify LGBTQ - a very *CLOSE* understanding..... so their accusations came as a shock.

It's *very* frustrating for me that people - any people - would think I didn't love El Capitan.... that somehow sex - the need (or lackthereof) - DEFINES a marriage.  
It f*cking doesn't.

Communication. Trust.  Honesty.... *those* things define a marriage -and clearly El Capitan and I lacked on all three..... AND - let us not forget that it's a RARE situation that a doctor accidentally sews your vagina SHUT which makes HAVING ACTUAL SEX pretty freaking hard......

There were *YEARS* during our marriage where sex was NOT a physical option.
This all served to cloud both my feelings AND El Capitans..... we both know this.  We both understand this.
Sigh.....

The truth of the matter is...I don't really care what *ANYONE* say's about my marriage - only El Capitan and I know the truth.... and that's fine.

What I DO NOT appreciate is ill-informed commentary from a "friend" who only serves to upset me and make me question La Novia and El Capitan.... this is NOT helpful to the three of us.... and mostly - to the kids.

So.... to all the "friends" out there.... shut the f*ck up.
Your opinion is YOURS..... and unless it serves to provide some greater understanding, or HELPS in some way.... keep it to your F*CKING SELF.  

The truth is *always* 100% perspective..... I'm *well aware* of the mistakes I made in my life and in my marriage..... but I DO NOT think marrying El Capitan was a mistake.... we were married for TEN YEARS and we saw each other through some hard times..... and we have two beautiful kids.  

Mistakes were made alllllll around:  believe it.
But we can't move forward as two HAPPY FAMILIES if there is a lack of trust.
It just can't happen. 
It won't happen.

Anyone is truly a *friend* to anyone in this kind of situation wouldn't seek to disrupt what is a fairly happy and congenial situation..... hence why they are, and forever will be:  La Serpiente.

I can't believe that I'm getting ready to send The Boy to "real school".  

I have so many mixed emotions about it.  On so many levels I think he could benefit... on so many others: I'm scared sh*tless for him to be out in the big, bad world..... 

Hail Mary makes a good point.... she say's that The Boy will face bullying and adversity *sometime* in his life, and better he start to learn the tools you need to function within that - at school, later on in life at work, etc..... I suppose she has a point.  

So today Hail Mary and I took the kids school clothes shopping.  I'm not entirely sure *what* is "popular" for 8 year old boys these days.... so I just stuck with our usual staple:  Tony Hawk. 

They made it to the dressing room before me with a few things while I still collecting sizes - so when I approached the man running the area I said, "Did you see my girl and my two kids go into  room?"

"No,"  he replied, "There's a man and two kids though."

I could hear the kids laughing and talking, and I could also hear the baritone of Hail Mary's voice, so I said, "Oh no, that's my girlfriend, we're gay..... that's a girl in there. "  and I smiled.

Instantly the nice man turned beat red and said, "Oh honey! I AM TOO!!!! I didn't see them go in.... I only heard her talking.... I'm so sorry!"

No worries, I told him....no worries....  Hail Mary has a deep voice, so that's an easy mistake to make. lol
Later, he saw me leaving the dressing rooms with them and gave me a wink an a "nod of approval" at Hail Mary, and I thought that was pretty cute.

Usually.... it's just me taking the kids to the stores, endlessly trying on various sizes and types of skinny jeans and shirts with skateboards and stripes and skeletons on them..... and is it *just me* or do they actually heat those freakin' dressing rooms?  I always seem to be a sweaty miserable mess after shoving my kid into 8 pairs of jeans to find the 'right ones'.
Sigh.

THIS TIME.... however:  it was different.

Instead of frustration and annoyance.... I went back and forth for clothes while Hail Mary sat in the dressing room with the kids - entertaining them by letting them take pictures of each other in the dressing room with her smart phone, and when that failed, she downloaded a "dress your princess" app on her phone.  
The Girl was in *heaven*.

So, we procured clothes that are (hopefully) whatever the not-so-nerdy-kids are wearing..... and then we went to look at shoes and I have to admit.... I was kind of pissy.  I was haggard and stressed and I was just kind of in a pissy mood...... Hail Mary took me aside later and said..... "You gotta' learn to let go a little bit more.  I know in the past, it was just you doing this kind of stuff - but I'm here now and I *like* to do this kind of stuff. So, you gotta calm down and not get so stressed out about it all......"

Damn.  I kind of hate it when Hail Mary is right.   I *do* find it hard to relax and let someone else actually help me by taking over some of my "mom" duties.... but the issue isn't just control - it's getting used to the idea that someone is in our lives who *wants* to do these kinds of things with us - who *wants* to be there and is there to help.

The kids get it..... and they love it.  They can't wait for Hail Mary to come over and then there is *much* discussion over what we would do..... so after we went shopping, I stayed home to make dinner (and prove to Hail Mary that I am *not* the worlds best cook) Hail Mary walked to the park with the kids... and stayed there with them for almost an hour.

And that was *after"* Hail Mary ran a race yesterday - the kind where they pin numbers to your chest and everything...... they walked there, played for an hour and walked home..... she even handled the "mother of all meltdowns" that was hosted by The Girl.

Hail Mary said that The Girl wanted to take her shirt off when they got to the park and Hail Mary told her that (for the most part), girls keep their shirts on in public which resulted in The Girl going ballistic and sobbing her eyes out..... to which Hail Mary showed her to a park bench, explain (again) that you have to keep all your clothes on at the park and that when she calmed down she could join her and The Boy on the playground.

Perfect. I couldn't have handled it better.
Rad.

So..... there are lots of changes going on around here and frankly..... the kids seem to be more open to them than I am! lolololol  But I'm working on it.... working on letting go, working on being 'less in control' and working on relaxing...... 

Mostly, I'm trying to work on being a healthy part of the changes that are going on..... :)

Two days ago I was deeply saddened by some horrible news.  It's one of those things that hits you, really punches you in the gut…. but because you never actually met the person or interacted with them, it feels strange to be so strongly affected - and yet you still feel like you lost someone who meant so much to you.

In a world *before* Google and the world wide web…… my parents still owned a bookcase *full* of those things called 'encyclopedia's*, our telephone still had a 25ft. cord on it so my Mom would have the "freedom" to walk around the house while she talked on the phone and I would stay up late intently listening to the local college radio stations to hear the latest music.
And then there was MTV.

Growing up The Papa had *strict* rules about MTV:  I was not allowed to watch 'such trash'.  AND THAT was  when all it really played was actual music videos…I remember my parents going B.A.N.A.N.A.S about the Janet Jackson video for Nasty….good grief.

As the years went on, The Papa relaxed his rules and Adam Curry and his big hair became a staple of my Dial MTV 4:00pm television diet, and when The Real World started…. I was mesmerized. 

I missed most of New York - the first season, but never missed a single episode of Los Angeles - which was the second season.  Jon (the Christian Cowboy) was a reflection of so many people around me…. not in a bad way - but in the way that you watch people and how they act and you start to see things you don't like, you recognize traits of behaviors in yourself acted out by these people and if you're paying attention:  it can change you. 

Hmm….. how to explain.

People tell racist jokes.
People laugh at racist jokes or inappropriate comments.   
People do silly things - like chase each other around the hall way and sexually tease each other.
People live in a bubble and never meet a person of race or who are homosexual - and yet have hard and fast opinions about both. 
and THEN - in a house with seven strangers you watch them grow and change and *experience* diversity and life experiences…. and I kind of felt like *I* grew with them.

I saw things I did, jokes I might have told or laughed at…. and realized that they were wrong, or that my humor was misplaced and without intending to - it could be offensive.  (Don't worry... I'm *clearly* still plenty offensive.)

When Tami (Los Angeles) had her abortion it was MIND. BLOWING.  Watching her struggle and cry while her Mom sat at her bedside helpless was *forever* burned into my mind…. how brave that she shared that with an entire country.  So brave.

And then after Irene got married (I never understood why they let her on the season if she was leaving halfway through….)- they brought in Beth A. who wore this infamous t-shirt on her first day in the house and it said:

"I'm not GAY, my girlfriend is."

I actually had to *think* about what the hell that meant…… lololol.  She wasn't my favorite character on the show, to be honest, but she WAS the first "real life" lesbian that I ever saw.  However, coming in halfway through an already tumultuous season - her story line was focused less on her sexuality and more on the seven of them getting along.

THE NEXT YEAR was San Francisco…. with the *infamous* Puck and Rachael and Judd…. and Pedro. 
That season changed my life. I believe it changed many lives.  Never before had their been such *fighting* and growth and change.... and I'm not sure any other cast became as close or was as affected by their season as the San Fran cast was.  Most notable of the seven strangers was Pedro.

Pedro was HIV positive, and gay.

He was also kind and patient - which was required when Puck kept putting this nose-picking-fingers in Pedro's peanut butter jar. 

Pedro also fell in love:  with Sean Sasser.  And we, along with the six other housemates, go to watch Pedro's struggle and journey which ended with the *first* gay commitment ceremony that *ever* appeared on US television.  (Oh MTV.... how you have fallen.... lololol).

THIS, watching these two men relate to and love each other…. was life changing.  This was *the first* gay relationship that I got to see unfold in real time:  unscripted, honest, true and gay.  Pedro not only put a face on what being HIV positive meant…. he put a *heart* behind what being gay meant.

In 1994 people were not living "OUT", certainly not outside of San Francisco.  Pedro faced all kinds of issues and shared openly his journey as a Cuban gay man, and as an HIV positive person.  Pedro was so brave, he had found out he was HIV while still in high school and he used whatever time he had left on the planet to try to educate people - especially younger kids - about the dangers of un-safe sex and how to protect themselves… and about HIV/AIDS.

When Pedro met Sean, he was already getting sick.  The stress of camera's and living with the ever unpleasant Puck, seemed to take a toll on Pedro, but he never gave in.  Sean & Pedro fell in love while filming for The Real World.  All the while, Pedro was getting sicker and sicker… right there in front of our eyes. 

You watched these people - like Rachael, raised in a super conservative home (just like me), who initially shied away from Pedro in fear of his gay and HIV status not out of actual 'hate' but out of ignorance….. and then you watch her learn and grow and become friends with Pedro and then you see her own pain as she watches her friend grow weaker and sicker…. that's an amazing journey to be a part of.

Above all else, their love story became a solid story line for the show and Sean's love and support for Pedro was…. amazing.

In a world where the *idea* of an actual 'hate crime' didn't even yet exist…. because it was still kind of okay to beat up some queer in the street just for being queer…… there they were:  Pedro and Sean.

Brave.
Out.
Visible.
Vulnerable.
All the things I wasn't.
All the things *countless* people like me were afraid to be.

They weren't Hollywood actors, their life and love wasn't scripted… it was real and raw and heartbreaking - because you knew their time together would be marred by illness and eventually death. 

Growing up in the 80s and 90s, this was a straight kids world.  There are a sh*t ton of Disney Princess stories and Cameron Crowe and John Hughe's films that told me how to act if I wanted the perfect boyfriend…. they quiet *literally* defined the qualities I would look for in a future mate - but they predefined that that *mate* should be - *would be* a man…..

These are great movies, I loved them then and still love them now….. but when you look around at a world and you don't see any part of yourself reflected back at you on a regular basis, it's hard to figure out who you are and where you "fit in".  Really hard because we tend to define ourselves by our family and friends and the world we see around us. If you identify that you are *not* the same as your family and friends and the world you see….. how do you learn to define who you are?

How do you find the courage to *be* who you are?

Just yesterday I was talking to someone who knew El Capitan and I since we got married and we were discussing my lesbian status and they even said…. "Why on earth *would* you have come out in 1990s?  I wouldn't have….. the world is different and much more accepting now."
True that.
and thank f*ck for that as well. lololol

Pedro and Sean were the first people who defined, for me, what an actual 'gay relationship' could look like…. and to *everyone's* surprise around the world:  it was the same.

Pedro and Sean showed us all that gay love was the same as everyone else's love.  To a world FULL of social media and visual input - this information seems commonplace.  However, to those of us living among corn fields and tractors and pick-up trucks.... this was a f*cking *newsflash*. lololol

Sadly.... Pedro passed away in November 1994. 

You know they say there are those days you never forget - like when John F. Kennedy was killed, you never forget the place you were when you heard the news…. or John Lennon or Elvis.  For me, it was the day I found out Pedro had died.  It felt like a part of me was gone because ….. hmm…. how to describe this without seeming like I'm trying to attach myself to such a huge loss in an inappropriate way…..

With so *few* (actually ZERO) ties to the gay community, Pedro was - in a bizarre way -my only connection to that part of myself….. and when he died, that part of me died, too.  It was a choice - I let it die.  I stuffed it down, locked it away, stopped looking in the mirror.... until I didn't see it anymore.  I was already living in London and working and dating Drew.

I was happy …. or rather, I was as happy as I thought I could be and didn't question anything else. I didn't *want* to be gay….. who the f*ck would in 1993/1994?  lolol.  Well… people braver than me.  Stronger than me.  People who had a better, fuller understanding of who they were……
But not me.

The truth is, if you tell yourself a lie - *any* lie -long enough... eventually you'll believe it.
Eventually it becomes your truth for as long as you're willing to keep repeating it.
For me.... the lie was that I was straight.
Sigh.

Two days ago It was announced that Sean Sasser passed away from Cancer at only 44.  He had married again and actually ended up living in Portland for the last couple of years with his husband and continued to be active in AIDS/HIV education. 

I never met him, never had the chance to tell him what his love for Pedro taught a 19 year old girl sooooo much about who she was…….. about who she was *meant* to be, even if she took a really long (and crazy) road to get there.  I know I'm one of *thousands* of people - male and female - who feel this way about him.... I hope he knew that impact he had just by being who he was.

It's part of the reason why I was willing to come out on The Blog, part of the reason why I'm trying to Blog about the changes I've made and have been making and trying to put a *face* on what it means to grow up gay in a straight world and come to terms with who you are *very* late in life..... because I know deep down I'm not the only one who feels (has felt) this way.  My journey is *not* as unique and rare as some might think.... I've gotten several email from men and women asking for help as they go on their own similar journey.

I also know that there are some Moms out there *right now* raising kids who are gay.... born that way and staying that way..... I figure if I am willing to share what might have helped me accept who I was as a child, then may be I can help a Mom or two understand their own child better..... may be not, but it's worth a shot.

Above all, I've come to realize that being OUT, being VISIBLE is incredibly important for myself and for my entire community.... a lesson I *should* have better learned 20 years ago...... 

Just tonight I was out with Keebler and some other great friends - Macks and Atty and Coach and Hail Mary and I cannot *tell* you how like totally proud I am to be OUT with Hail Mary.... I'm so proud to be her girlfriend.

Anyhow.... it's Keebler's last week in PDX, and Hail Mary and I went down to VooDoo Donuts to get her a special treat to remember Portland by and walking back to the bar (which is a gay bar) - there was a couple a few steps behind us.

The man was a good looking man with sparkly green eyes and a short hair cut:  very cute.  He was holding hands with a girl who had long hair, wearing tight black mini-dress and carrying a rose.... they were *clearly* on a date - and one they were enjoying.

The man asked us if we knew where [the club we were going to] was located - and we told him it was on the next block and they could walk with us there.... and then the girl - clearly feeling nervous - timidly said, "We're from Bellingham...... is this club LGBTQ friendly.......?"

I looked a little closer and realized that the girl was a transgender person.

You see... we *still* live in a world where transgender people have to *ask* if they are going to be SAFE in a nightclub because of who they are..... sigh.  That's just f*cking heartbreaking.

Immediately Hail Mary and I reassure them *both* that not only is Portland *very* supportive of it's LGBTQ community, but that at this club in particular not only will they feel *safe* there, but they will find *many* transgender people enjoying themselves - freely.

They both seemed so relieved..... and you know what - because Hail May and I were out, holding hands and being who *we* are - these people knew they could ask a question like that on the sidewalk.  It's a teeny-tiny small thing.... but then again, it isn't.  

It isn't *nearly* on the level of Sean and Pedro or countless other people who *inspire* me to be who I am.... but just by BEING WHO I AM - and being out with the person who I .... have incredibly strong feelings for and am *very proud* to be with.... we were able to help two strangers feel just a little more .... confident?  safe in their new surroundings.....?  Like I said... it's a little bit of something... and I'll take it.  lolololol

I hope that couple danced the night away.

****** I stopped writing this post this morning and spent the afternoon writing a few key people who have (and continue) to inspire me in my life.  I think too many times we don't tell people - especially people we don't really know - how much of a positive affect they have on our lives, and in light of Sean's passing, I didn't want to let that an opportunity to share with certain people pass me by……

God bless those who inspire us to be who we are, to be better people…

So today was *crazy* busy..... I spent most of the morning sick to my stomach.

I really hate making huge life decisions...... being a parent and an adult really blows sometimes.

In the first place, I decided to go to CNA1/CNA2 school.  This really *isn't* a huge 'departure' for me because I spent a lot of my childhood thinking I might become a nurse and .... I like people.  I like talking to people and taking care of people..... when I lived in London Drew's Mom was the head manager at an agency that took care of Old Age Pensioners.  We would do everything from grocery shop for them to bathe them and care for them.... and it was fine.  

I used to have this policy with the older gentleman that I would wash "as far up as 'possible' and as far down as 'possible'" but THEY had to wash "possible".  hahahahaha

I liked doing that job because I would always think to myself - 'this is someone's beloved Grandma - so I should take extra good care of them like I would want someone to take care of my own Grandma'.  Plus, being in London they usually had *really* cool stories to tell you about the War and stuff... that was pretty rad.

However, this means that The Boy will be going to public school.
Sigh.

It also means The Girl will be going to some kind of daycare situation.....
Puke. Sigh. Cry......

Because...... we are moving.  We're not moving super far away, but far enough away that The Bubbie won't be able to watch the kids for me anymore..... however, the schools in our area aren't stellar - and where *are* going is in HUGE part due to the amazing school that's there.  (and a few other reasons, too.)

This move is mostly for the kids though.  It's a chance to get The Boy into a great school and hopefully he'll be happy there which will create a space for me to go to work without feeling totally guilty about not homeschooling him anymore.  I think it's our best chance at public school success..... 

It's a pretty big deal to move though - and thankfully El Capitan agreed and doesn't have an issue with driving a bit farther for pick-ups and drop-offs, which is kind of cool..... 

I AM STILL GOING TO BE WORKING AS A PHOTOGRAPHER...... I will just have to commute a bit more to get to my sessions, that's all. :)

The thing is.... I *have* to do this.  I can't keep putting my 'eggs' in someone else's basket.  When I married El Capitan I was still in college and while I did finish my associates degree in English (f*cking shocker that, eh?) - I bailed on getting my four year so that he could go to college.   At the time I thought - 'he's the man, he's the main provider, so he should go instead of me'.  And yeah.... that kind of worked out... until he decided to start 'providing' for someone else. lololol

At this point in my life I have to start being able to handle my own sh*t.  That means reasonable pay and benefits and a retirement and stuff..... and I can't just *Assume* that my partner will provide those things for me.... in the first place- ME AND MY KIDS are *my* financial responsibility.  I want to be able to take care of us on my own because I don't want anyone (of their family or friends) to see me as some kind of single Mom who wants someone else to pay my bills while I sit at home.  Second, I need to know that if the worst *ever* happens again.... I can handle it.  

We all know I can handle the emotional holocaust.... but I have to be able to survive financially.  So. These changes Must. Be. Made.  Period.

So today I took The Boy out to the back porch.... tissue's in hand, I was *really* trying to hold my sh*t together.  I sat him down and I was honest with him..... I told him that when he was a baby that his Dad and I made the plan to home-school him and that I would stay home and raise him instead of get a job.  

Then I said, but things changed when Dad left and now Mom has to work to pay bills and stuff which means that I can't stay home anymore and The Boy said.... "So I have to go to public school, huh?"

Smart little bugger he is.
And then I started crying.... I feel soooo much as though I have let him down.  Having to trade in his childhood for a paycheck feels LIKE. SH*T.
Really.

The Boy patted me on the back and said, "It's ok Mom.... I'm going to be shy at first because I won't know anyone - but I'll wait for the teacher and the new school friends to get to know me and then we'll all be friends and it'll be fine."

WHAT?  Seriously.  So then I cried harder.

I told him that I was sorry and that if it could be any other way: it would be.  THEN I had to tell him that we'll be leaving The Bubbie's house to be able to get to this new school and that they will only be seeing Bubbie and Papa during the weekend.... to which The Boy said, "We can come back to stay for a weekend?  It'll be like a vacation!!!"  And he was *still* happy.
Sniffle.

So after my conversation with The Boy, I had a few meetings and some planning to do to set this new plan in motion.... a plan nearly *all* of my friends don't even know about..... Seems like my life is a series of phone calls to friends...... "El Capitan cheated, we're getting divorced."  "I'm a lesbian."  "We're moving".
You know... you can say a lot of things about me.... and *many* an internet Troll already has.... but at least I'm never boring.... right?  hahaha

My afternoon was filled with errands and finishing client work and then we waited for Hail Mary to come over. 

I'm not sure what happened to my kids... but they *Really* like Hail Mary.  Alllllll afternoon it was, "When is [Hail Mary] coming over?"  and "Are we going to see [Hail Mary] tonight?"

Hail Mary has had a few football injuries and tonight, after work, she had an appointment with a therapist to have some work done so she wouldn't be coming over until right around their bedtime, so I told them that as a special treat we would go out for ice cream when Hail Mary came over.

As promised, we piled into the car and headed off to 31 Flavors for ice cream and after the kids had "tasted" various options, the settled on their usual mint chocolate chip and chocolate that they always get.  We all sat down at those little tiny circle tables and out of the motherf*cking BLUE The Boy say's:

"You know, [Hail Mary], my Mom has dated lots of girls......"

To which Hail Mary throws me a raised eyebrow and laughs.... mostly because she *knows* that I haven't AND she knows that he now thinks EVERY single butch lesbian I'm friends with is someone I've dated.... Keller, Keebler, Mia, Bella..... poor kid. lololol

"Oh...." Hail Mary replies, "has she?"

"Yeah, she has.... but I think you're the girl for her."  The Boy states matter of factly.

I'm freaking gobsmacked..... and you know, secretly I'm thrilled that this conversation is happening while *Everyone* is wearing their pants and *not* taking a sh*t.  At least I'm going to get ONE 'Hallmark' moment like it's supposed to happen in the movies.....

"Well, that's great, but I guess I have to ask YOU if YOU think I'm the girl for you - because you guys are kind of a package deal and I can't be with your Mom unless you're happy, too."  Hail Mary said... BUT - most importantly, she said it while maintaining eye contact with The Boy.  She never looked at me as though to say - 'look what I'm doing' or.... like as though she were asking for show .... she was *genuinely* asking The Boy if she was 'the girl' for them.

"Oh yeah," The Boy said nodding, "I think you're the gal for us [Hail Mary]."  
and there's that GAL thing *again*!!!! Which I was stoked he said because I wasn't so sure Hail Mary believed me when I told her what he told me int he bathroom.... who the *HELL* say's gal around my kid?  It sure as sh*t isn't me.... so it's funny that he keeps using that word.  

"Well, cool - because I think you guys are great and I think your Mom is pretty great and I'm thinking she might be the girl for me, too."  Hail Mary told The Boy.

And then everyone went on eating their ice cream until The Girl jumped up holding out her empty cup and announced that she had "beat" us all and finished "first" .... 

I'm not entirely sure how to process things..... I mean - the kids have been around most of my friends - we've hung out with Keebler TONS... and Keller  - and not ONE TIME did he ever say such a thing.... except when Carhartt and I broke up he said, "Well, good because now you can marry Keebler ......"  lolol Which cracked me up at the time and I explained to him that I wasn't going to date Keebler, that we were just friends.

I haven't been grooming him, or prepping him or anything.... we really haven't talked much about Hail Mary - and yet he seems to have so many opinions. 
Crazy.

The irony is that my son, like most people, seems to think that all lesbians are having sex with/dating  all their female friends.... hahahaha - which I'm not.... and frankly most of us don't.

But the good news is that Hail Mary got the green light from The Boy- without me even asking... that's kind of awesome..... and a little bit confusing.... like the books say that the kids will usually reject a new person because of fears that I will "leave" or they will be "less important" with a new adult in the picture.  However... my kids are welcoming La Novia and Hail Mary with open arms and eager smiles..... I'm not sure how to interpret that.... 

Hopefully it's not because El Capitan and I have sucked so bad that they can't wait to replace us. lolol
No seriously.... I might *actually* be a tad worried about that. 

It's funny how much we teach our children to 'go for their dreams' and 'do something you believe in', but the reality is…. usually what we *want*to do with our lives: doesn't pay the bills.

Photography is quite literally the only thing I've done for a living since I was 19 years old.  My first camera was a Canon EOS 10-s with standard amateur 3.5 lens'.  Nothing special.  However, it was *that* camera that did a good portion of my early photography work that was getting published all around the UK and landing me more and more jobs.

It wasn't until I made friends with a photographer, Scarlet, backstage at the Reef show for The Brat Awards in…. 1995? - that I made the change to Nikon. 

Scarlet had seen me around at a few shows and came up to me as we were all leaving the venue to go to the after party with Reef and rather boldly asked me "where the hell [I] came from?".  You see, I hadn't really 'paid my due' so-to-speak, I just kind of showed up and started shooting shows and bands and what not.  Scarlet had gone to Uni for photography and worked for one of the most famous and notoriously rude rock photographers in the world - AND THEN - she was working on her own…. so she was shocked as sh*t to find me with so many photo and backstage passes. lol

The Bubbie calls it the Luck of The Irish.

In the UK we call it blaggin'….. I can 'blag' (or talk) my way into anything.

Anyhow.  Scarlet was die hard Nikon and on my next trip home to America she sent me with a shopping list:  Nikon N90, fixed 28mm at 2.8, fixed 50mm at 2.8 and one telephoto to 200, and SB-26 flash head.  The Bubbie helped me buy the telephoto lens and the flash and my Grandma and her husband Morrie gave me $1,000 for the rest of it.

I prayed soooooo many nights to G*d that I would take good pictures - get published and keep getting hired.  I worked so hard, I *tried* so hard.  I never put out.  I never made out.  I never got high or drunk or anything….I stayed sober and used each show as a chance to network my way into that band, their management or the venue's staff.  I made a lot of friends…. had a great time - saw most of Europe from the back of a tour bus and had kind of a f*cking awesome time.

I was lucky.... very lucky.  I did pretty good as a rock photographer, I met every goal I set for myself - which is pretty rad.  However….. touring life for a girl can be lonely.  I wanted a family.  The only thing I've ever wanted to do more than photography is be a Mom and have kids.   Period. 

When I moved back to American I started doing photography again and soon, I had a small business up and running.  My clients, for the most part, incredibly loyal… which is *shocking* because at times I can be incredibly slooooooow at getting them their finished images.

Like.  Painfully. Slow.  Seriously. lololol

I think it's a combination of the fact that I actually *care* about my clients.  Like - I really actually do care about them…. *most* of my clients become my friend and I really love that.  I'm also pretty damn good at what I do… kids usually like me (a lot) and I'm reasonably priced (otherwise read as "too cheap" according to most photographers I know).

My work, my lighting and my style are very consistent.  Most of my clients get around 150 images finished in three finishes….. right now I have a family who I've shot since the Mom was pregnant with their 21/2 year old- and it's over 600 images…. straight color, faded/hazy/popular color, and B&W.  This way you Moms can scrapbook your hearts out in color or B&W or both and you don't need to come back to me to ask for more images in a different finish.  So…people get a lot for their money - oh… and they get allll that on a DVD at full resolution for them to print however and wherever they like.

If you know *anything* about getting your families portraits done, then you know that that's kind of awesome. hahahaha

When we had the house I had a small studio there (built for me by a client), but that went with the house when we sold it.  So now I'm back to doing on-location work, which I love as well.  But…. long term, I'm not sure that there is enough work to keep me going as a single parent.  It seems like there are more 'photographers' in every town than there are cockroaches.  Which is fine... competition is a good thing - however, I'll be *super* blunt.... people generally do NOT know what actual "good" photography is.  

I can't tell you how many times I've gone to someone's house and they are soooooo proud of their recent photos with another photographer (of which they are lucky to get 30 - 50 "finished" images) and they stand there and tell me how much they "LOVE" them.... when I'm standing there looking at under-exposed, dark, grainy, sh*tty images with the eyes digitally drawn on and whatnot..... sigh.

The point being - when literally *anyone* can go to Costco, buy a solid camera, built a blog and open a "studio".... it gets harder and harder to actually make a *living* doing what I love.

So I'm at a cross roads….. not only do I have to give up the career I spent the last 18 years building… but I have to give up being able to work from home.  Okay…. I know - break out the f*cking violins… right?  I mean there *are* single Moms who have it waaaaaay worse than that.  Waaaah…. do I have to give up my cushy, set-my-schedule-work-from-home dream job…..?

It's hardly the sacrifice that many parents have to make…. right?

It's just that…. I was telling Hail Mary today - it's the fact that I was a good wife and a good Mom and in spite of where I am now - it's unfair that I had my life ripped out from under me by someone I trusted…. the wheels El Capitan set in motion are *still* rolling over me… and no matter where I am now or who I'm with:  I resent the f*ck out of that.  Honestly.  I do.

More than that - having to give up being at home with the kids is .... brutal.
Sigh.

AND.  It's NOT that easy to do *anything* because obviously I'll have to give up homeschooling, BUT, The Girl is not old enough to attend public school which means she will have to go to daycare.  Ugh.... it pains me to type that.  Really.  No offense to *anyone* (the millions of people) who's children go to daycare.... it's just that I didn't choose this for me OR my kids... it was chosen FOR US.  Frustration boiling.... 
Damn.

So, it's an overly complicated problem to try to solve with money when I have to WORK full time to *make* money, but The Boy will have to go to some kind of care program after school and The Girl will have to go to some kind of all-day program.... BOTH of those will cost $$$$$$.

Sadly..... being a Mom doesn't pay in anything more than kisses and hugs - which I tried *really* hard to convince t-mobile and Aetna to accept those as payment as well...but it didn't work. hahaha

The cost of my cobra is literally breaking me…. so now I have to decide on school - and I *think* that I've decided to do a CNA1, and then a CNA2 program.  The time you spend in school isn't too terribly long, the pay is decent and…. I'm hoping maybe I can find a caregivers type job?  And yes… I realize that I'll be changing bed pans, but I spend a lot of my time now wiping people's asses around here… so I figure I can do it for strangers, too. lol

Starting over at 38…. not the dream people…. Not. The. Dream.

So, now, instead of telling my kids to "follow their dreams" and "do a job they love" (which they might have to give up to do that thing called  'have health care')….. I think I'm going to raise them to be good people and fill their lives with even better people… so that no matter job they have to do, or what they have to give up - the time they spend outside their job will fill their life with enough love and happiness to make up for *not* doing 'what they love'.

At least that's what I'm hoping will work for me….. lololol

Tonight was fun..... dinner at Mia's house with good friends.... nothing like lesbian humor and a heavy discussion on locating good sperm online for some girl-on-girl baby making and what not.

Being the only person in the room who ever got pregnant (the "natural" way, even) - we had lots to talk about.... and it kind of made me wish I *could* have another baby..... I never thought I would regret tying my tubes, but I totally do..... 
Oh well.

Came home to find the kids still awake and driving The Bubbie nuts... so *I* go in there to snuggle them and tell them that it's time for them to go to bed - and they ask for Hail Mary to come in.

WTH?  lololol
So.... I came out and sent in Hail Mary who doled out the appropriate hugs and a friendly warning about going to bed.... and *then* to my surprise, when they *still* weren't settling down - Hail Mary went back in there to give them a stern (but appropriate) warning about having to go to bed.

For a second, it caught me off guard.  She just kind of .... naturally takes on a kind of responsibility for them - for their care and well-being and behavior.  In a weird way, it's almost like she's always been around - like an Aunt or a Godmother or longtime friend.... and not as a 'new edition' to things.
Crazy.

Crazy awesome for sure.... but still:  crazy.

When I first came out, lots of my lesbian friends warned me that I would (eventually) lose most of my 'straight' friends.... I told them - no way!  All my friends are so supportive and um.... fanf*ckingtastic!  I would never want to lose them.....  but the truth is - I kind of am.

They are all in their safe and secure Mommy-worlds - and I once knew that world - obsessed with the latest and greatest party decor on Pintrest and carpooling and whatever.... but, that was when I had *time* to do those things all day long.  Now I'm a single Mom juggling work and kids and schooling - and my free time for 'pinning things' is at an all-time low.  It's less of a lesbian thing - and more of a 'working single mommy' thing.

However,  my night life has changed considerably and I will admit.... a few friends have voiced their... 'concern' about that.  Up until Hail Mary, I went out..... a lot.  And... to be frank - a lot might be an understatement.  lololol

Portland is a *great* town to be gay in.... there is literally a show, a concert, an event, a nightclub - that can be gone to every single night of the week.  The community here has been great and welcoming and wonderful - so I'm never at a shortage of people to go with, or people I know will be at this place or that.  

So, once the kids go down (and yes, sometimes earlier) - I head out for the evening and usually come home around midnight... or later if I'm giving people rides home.  The thing is... I have to rebuild my life.  I have to make new friends and find people who I might be interested in dating... and to be frank: I'm not going to find that going to the latest Thirty-One party.... right?

So, to some extent it's a 'gay thing'.  Building this new life and a new social circle is rough - but the truth is, I would have HAD to do it if I were still going to date men.  It's a bad, bad, bad idea to date all the 'single' men that your friends are friends with - because if/when it doesn't work out, then people feel awkward about have you both over for the next BBQ or whatever.... 

It's better to start over, to start fresh and make new 'single' friends and find your own dates.... either way, I'd be going out a lot to make that happen.  

And, I *do* try to be understanding.... but some people have been kind of nasty with their comments - and a little too judgmental (imho).  I suppose it's to be expected - not only am I the only person (that they *know* of) who is a "late in life lesbian".... BUT - I'm also the first and ONLY person to get divorced among my mommy friends..... I can't really expect people to understand what it takes to start over and *really* get started and get moving..... and then a very mean part of me always thinks:  Yeah... go ahead and judge me, but I'll be the one you're coming to for advice when your sh*tty marriage comes to a screeching halt. lololol

That sounds harsh, but according to current statistics, nearly half of all my currently married friends will wind up divorced..... so it's safe to assume that a few of them will one day be wearing my dancing shoes.  They of course, will just be wearing them for men. 

At the same time though, I do sit back and look at the current direction and state of my life.  I'm trying to figure out schooling and a full-time job, and I'll be honest and say that I've gotten used to being able to go out any night of the week.  I've gotten used to having late night dinners at trendy places in PDX and lining up for ice-cream at The Salt and Straw for an hour.  All while keeping my family life separate and mostly during the daytime.....

However, things are different with Hail Mary.  I'm spending most of my time with her and a good portion of *that* time is now being spent with her, myself and the kids..... and it occurred to me over the weekend that things are going well.... *really* well.  Kind of scary well.

There's a joke in the lesbian community:

What does a lesbian bring to the second date?
A:  a uhaul.

Hence the term - 'uhaulin'.  As in - "Betty is busy uhauling Jessica, that's why we never see them."
Literally.

There's this kind of lesbian 'urge to merge' that gets hotly debated and acknowledged in our community.  Most of us try to fight it - fight against the urge to merge and against the uhaul stereotype.  Mia and I have discussed this at length (while we were both single)- and Mia felt very strongly that lesbians typically move fast because that's just the way girls are - we see something, we like, we tend to fall fast and hard - and we don't waste time moving on.... and she has a point.  

While Hail Mary hasn't parked a uhaul outside the house just yet.... I do kind of get the feeling that we're headed that direction and that perhaps..... just perhaps:  a uhaul isn't as far ahead in my future as I thought it might be.  There are *a lot * of emotions associated with that... for sure.  However, I've been caught off guard a little by my ..... not resistance - but it's weird to think about giving up all the freedom I currently have and kind of 'go back' to that life.... go back to cooking dinner every night and being with just one person all the time.... that's kind of scary as f*ck. 
Right?

I mean.... it all went to sh*t last time.  I put everything I had into my marriage - I looked forward *every* single day to El Capitan coming home..... we are *HOME.* BODIES.  to an extreme.....and I loved it.  I never really 'went out'.  I didn't go out on long weekends 'with the girls' or whatever.... I loved being a Mom and being *at home*.  

It's crazy to think about going back into that world.... back into a  place where I cook dinner every night and I'm *the* Mom.... and stuff.  Now... don't all of you go and panic.... lolol.  I'm just doing that things that girls do - and I'm thinking about things.  Just thinking about how our future might look and how *my* future might look.....  it's crazy to really think about all the changes that we've made as a family and as individuals in this family and how much we've come through.... 

Mostly, I'm really grateful that I've created a place for the children where they feel confident in *our* relationship and are willing to open themselves up another person.... perhaps I should take a page out of their book and do the same..... 

I've always been a bit of a Mommy dreamer.... long before Pintrest... Pintrist...?  Crap, I don't even know how to spell it. lololol

Anyhow.... before there was that crap there were movies and after-school specials upon which I placed all the hopes and dreams and romantic notions that I had for my future.

For instance:  

Marriage proposals are grandiose in nature - they happen at the Thanksgiving table while your whole family waits on the edge of their seats.... or at the local baseball field where a thousand fans on both sides of the dugouts cheer in wild approval..... 
Or.... not, as has always been the case for me.

Babies are born to the riotous screams of their mother while a dutiful father holds your hand and runs into a waiting room that's stuffed wall-to-wall with supportive and excited family and friends..... 
Or ..... not, as I had two clinical c-sections and El Capitan just sent out a blast text.
ah..... Modern technology - isn't it great?

I think we all know that I have long placed nearly all of my romantic expectations firmly in the hands of a "Lloyd Dobler"-esque person... and yes - I said "person".  Here's the thing - just because I dig chicks (and always have) doesn't negate that male/female romances have (as they have all of us) dominated my visions for my future.... the *difference* is that I wanted a *woman* who treated me the way that Lloyd treated Diane.  

I wanted to find a woman who *wanted* to take care of me.
A woman who thinks to clear the glass from my path.
A woman who makes me a mix-tape and holds it up outside my bedroom.....
A woman who holds my hand when I'm weak and makes me stronger simply by believing in me.

(Small, teensy, tiny fact..... it's a sh*t ton easier to find these qualities in other girls... just fyi. :) lol)

Anyhow...... as a parent I always envision that life's "big" moments will unfold while I'm swinging with my kids at the park, or just after we've done something huge and amazing and wonderful - like climbing a mountain or building the worlds greatest snowman..... however, we are sans any kind of good snow, we all *know* the only think I'm liable to climb is into my own bed and while we do *plently* of swinging and playing at the park.... these kinds of "big" life moments do NOT happen in any kind of romantic way when it comes to my kids....

Just this morning, The Boy and I were in the bathroom and one of these "big" moments takes places mid-tooth brushing/ass wiping...... 

The Boy:  Mommy, did [Hail Mary] have a sleep over?
Me:  Yes, remember we're going to the beach today - which is a two hour drive and [Hail Mary] lives 45 minutes away, so she stayed over so we can get going faster.

The Boy:  Ok.......
Me:  Is that ok?  May be I should have asked you how you felt about that before it happened?

The Boy:  Oh no! Mom!  It's totally fine.... totally.
Me:  Cool......

(spit/wipe/flush)

The Boy:  Are you married to [Hail Mary]?
Me (a little surprised):  Umm... no - not yet anyway.  What do you think about that, though - what if I did want to marry [Hail Mary] - do you have any thoughts about that?

The Boy - he's quiet for a second, then he say's:  I really like her Mom.  She's really cool - she helps me do math in my head and helps me count my pennies and hangs out with us..... 
Me:  Yeah - she's pretty cool, huh bud?

The Boy:  Yeah.... you know what, Mom?  ..... I think she might be the gal for you - I think you should marry her.
Me:  Well... I'm glad you feel that way.  I'm glad you like her - but you should know that you don't have to like her, just because I do.  And, if your feelings change, I want you to know that it's safe for you to tell me that, too.  Ok?

The Boy:  Mom.... I don't haaaave to like anyone - but I like [Hail Mary] - a lot.

(hand washing)

And that.... was that.

I'm not sure if I will marry Hail Mary or not... BUT - first of all... who the hell is teaching my kid a word like "gal"?  I'm mean seriously.... that's not cool...."gal"?  Not girl?  girlfriend?  lol.... The Boy is one crazy kid.... but on top of that - why the confessional while he's on the damn toilet?  This is a HUGE MOMENT in our lives - the acceptance of my girlfriend and my sons *approval* to add her to our FAMILY?
Regardless of whether or not it happens.... it would be *great* if this moment in time as a parent wasn't punctuated with the sound of a flushing toilet.....
Oh well... you can't have it all, can you? lololol

So on that note.... things *are* going really well with Hail Mary.  She's kind of great - and The Bubbie has fast become a pretty big fan herself.  The Girl seems to have taken to her - always asking to sit next to her at dinner or hold her hand when we go places.  

Today we took them to the beach and even though it wasn't sunny out (i.e. it was a very typical, overcast, windy and coldish day at the Oregon Coast) -we had a great time.  Hail Mary was the first one in the water - splashing around and chasing the kids through the waves and ... of course she was the last one out.

She's like a big kid... only cuter - and one I get to make out with. lolol :)

I, of course, was staying mostly dry and taking pictures and the three of them were jumping waves together - holding hands.... it really struck me.

Hail Mary is like.... well - she's a breathe of fresh air, to be honest.  She's open and happy and kind... so, so kind.  She's the kind of person you always want to be around because she's just so sunny and fun.
Hail Mary is fun.

It's like... she came along and *instantly* all of three of were having more fun in life.  She really *plays* with the kids, she connects with them. 

Today at the beach was all castle-building and body-burying and wave-jumping and good times... until The Girl got too much sand in her swimsuit and started crying and *refused* to take another step.... so we packed up our sand toys and towels and then...... 

Hail Mary carried The Girl (all 50lbs of her) the 1/2 mile IN. THE. SAND. back to the street.  
I'm not gonna' lie.... that's kind of hot. lololol

At the same time.... it's strange.  I've been a single parent for a while now... and if I'm being honest - probably since a bit before I even knew about La Novia: I was doing a lot of this alone.

Having someone here who actually *helps* and doesn't play on their phone or fall asleep or is "too tired" or just "worked all week" or whatever excuses I've heard in the past.... to have someone just there to PLAY with them, hang out with us, being an extra pair of *helpful* hands is awesome.... but it's also going to take me some time to get used to it.... 

So, in spite of having a heavy chest all weekend... we had a great time together, in no small part because Hail Mary was there holding all our hands, making us laugh and jumping waves with us....
Sigh.

Today started so well.

I had one client job finished and another in the runner…. almost finished.  I had lunch plans with Bella (super awesome because I hadn't seen her in like two weeks!!!!!) and then I was headed to Wal Mart for some grocery shopping.

My plan for the night included making dinner for Hail Mary, the Bubbie and the kids.

Instead I was getting an EKG, blood panel, chest x-rays and bags of IV fluid.

Good times.

All was going just fine until I was heading up the mac & cheese aisle at Wal Mart - Velveeta & Shells is The Girls' favorite and as I pushed the cart up the aisle I noticed that it got harder and harder to breathe.  Ok…. ok….. not in *that* way - my cart wasn't overly full, I wasn't strained…. but it started to feel like someone was sitting on my chest…..

Weird.  May be it's indigestion, I wondered?

I kept shopping…. as you do.

But as I leaned over to grab the mac & cheese, my hands and feet and legs started tingling, then my jaw…. then my head?  Wait… my head?  It was the strangest feeling.  The next thing I knew the woman in the aisle with me had her hand on my back and I was struggling to stay conscious by holding onto the edges of the cart and struggling to breathe.

Hhhmm….. I mean, we all know how much I love Wal Mart… but this level of 'excitement' seemed a bit much.

I regained my composure, thanked the nice lady and carried on with my shopping.

My chest felt tighter and tighter.  WTH?

I made it up to the checkout and my checker was chatting away….. a few minutes later she said, "Did I say something to offend you?"

No……?  I looked at her and asked why she would ask me that.

She didn't answer right away, she just kept checking my groceries, then she said, "Was I talking too loud?"

No again……? 

She paused for a second, then she asked me if I needed a chair to sit down?

Huh?  Oh wait….. I look down and I see my hands gripping the edges of the check register thing and I realize that I'm starting to get tingly and I'm starting to totally pass out at this point.  The manager comes over and puts an arm around my waist and I struggle against to remain upright. 

Now I'm getting scared.  Employees are talking about whether or not they need to call 911… I assure them I'm fine.  They insist on walking me out to the car and loading in my bags for me and I decide that instead of going home - I should probably head to the ER up the road.

I get to the ER and now my legs feel like lead balloons, my chest is so tight it feels like someone has their hand on it just pressing down - this steady pressure…… my jaw is still tingling off and on and I'm sweating and I'm starting to feel like I want to throw up.

I mumbled these collective nothingness of symptoms to the girl at the front desk and seconds later I'm hooked up to beeping machines and wires and I over hear someone with a badge that say's, RN CEN tell someone else that I might be having a heart attack…..

HEARTF*CKINGATTACK?

Dude…. I'm 38.  I have no cholesterol or blood pressure or diabetes or NOTHING….. how the hell am I having a heart attack?!?!?!?!

I remember at the back of my mind that sometimes a panic attack can feel like a heart attack?????  So I decide to put on the playlist that Hail Mary made for me, plug in my headphones and ingnore the hustle and bustle of the room…. just relax… just breathe.

The Bubbie was at home with my kids and watching another baby in the family and I knew that she couldn't get to me until after 4, so I decided to wait to call her until then.

Hail Mary lives 45 minutes away and even though I knew she would be off work soon, I also knew that Thursday is her running night and she's getting ready for a race next week….. and she won't be done running until 6:30, so I don't call her either.

I just lay there, buried under warmed blankets (in spite of my little fits of 'sweats' I was having) - concentrating on trying to relax and breathe….. but my body feels heavier and heavier, my head aches and my chest feels like someone is now sitting on it.

A doctor say's they are going to check me for everything because the symptoms are consistent with 'heart attack' but I'm in good health and he doesn't see an obvious reason that would be happening, so they will rule that out and then go after other reasons….. a whole litany of illness' and diseases are said- but I don't remember any….. autoimmune something, pleurisy, virus….. blood clots, organ issue's…..

Dude…I was JUST AT DISNEYLAND…. how the hell did I end up here?

Then I just fall asleep, which is a really bad habit I have when I'm upset or worried or really angry… I just fall asleep.

I wake up sometime later and call the Bubbie - because the cold groceries are still in my car and she needs to come get them.  She shows up a short time later with a very upset and worried Boy and Girl in tow…. and I feel terrible that they see me like this.  I ask her to call Hail Mary at 6:30 when I think she'll be done with her run…..

At 7:08 Hail Mary comes bursting through my sliding glass door - and the first thing she does is *demand* to know why I didn't call her hours earlier when I was admitted….. I tell her that I didn't want her to miss her run….

I'm covered in wires and an IV and little sticky things that wires plug into …. I must look pretty freakin' sexy, I think to myself…. it's not enough that I've lost *all* my dignity by having to wear an ass-open hospital gown, now I'm covered in sticky stuff and I have my period…so, this just couldn't be any more unpleasant…. oh wait:  except for the fact that I *still* feel like my legs are asleep and I can't breathe.

Sigh.

Hail Mary immediately sits at my bedside, she's saying sweet things and stroking my hair.  I tell her my legs hurt and she jumps up and heads to the nurses' station…. she comes back with hand lotion and the next thing I know, she's rubbing my feet and calves - which she notes are *waaaaaay* tight and full of cramps…. yes - I know.  lololol

Aren't Butch girls the best?  I'm in a hospital and she's not sitting in the chair next to the bed playing on her phone….. no….. she's holding my hand and rubbing my feet… and when my bed get's all twisted up, she remakes the entire thing putting special care to put the softest blanket on the bottom….  yeah:  dating girls is freaking awesome.

I'm in out and sleep and trying to remain calm and breathe - but secretly I'm freaking out because when I'm not thinking about the kids, I'm wondering if it's just too soon in our relationship for Hail Mary to see me in such sorry state…..

Sigh.

Hours go by, more fluids, more tests…… the doctor comes back.

No autoimmune anything.

No liver, kidney or bladder issue's:  they all look good.

I'm not dehydrated… which explains why I'm *not* feeling better after all the fluids in the IV.

My electrolytes are fine.

My EKG and heart tests are fine.

No blood clots….. no signs of pleurisy.

But I'm clearly not well, and the doctor says he thinks it's inflammation in my chest wall which is pressing down making it harder to breathe and causing my symptoms that mirror that of a heart attack. 

More tests are ordered and he'll be back later…..

Hail Mary never leaves me except to call The Bubbie and fill her in on what the doctor said. Then she's back to rubbing my feet or calves or holding my hand.

After I sleep for a while and the meds are working, I start to feel less groggy and weird and my chest feels a bit better - but there is still pressure…..

After a 5 hour stay in the ER it is decided that I had an infection in my throat - only minor as my tonsil is only a little inflamed still and I barely had a sore throat last week which I chalked up to the smog in LA…. but this infection went down in my chest wall causing inflammation - the pressure, the hard time breathing and other symptoms.

Good times…..see - that's just me.  You *think* I'm having a heart attack… and it's a f*cking glorified chest cold?  lololol…. no no - the doctor say's - not a chest cold - this is an inflammation in the lining of your chest, which is a little different and doesn't respond to cold meds, you need anti-inflammatory meds.

Prescriptions are written and everyone clears the room and Hail Mary stays to help me get dressed…. turning her back at times when she knows I'm not ready for her to see me like that…. How great is that?  How totally awesome is Hail Mary…….?

So… all is well.  I have pills to take and there won't be any down-hill skiing in my near future until the lining of my chest returns to normal….. but I'm pretty ok with that plan.

What a week…… I swear - if I wasn't living in my own skin, I wouldn't believe any of this happened.  Crazy…. just crazy.

AND FOR THE RECORD, I had no idea was "having a heart attack" looked like - and I guess it's not at all like the movies……?  (Neither is finding true love or childbirth - so I'm not sure why I believed their heart attack scenarios… but I did…. lololol)  Here is a link to some helpful information:

http://www.heart.org/HEARTORG/Conditions/HeartAttack/WarningSignsofaHeartAttack/Heart-Attack-Symptoms-in-Women_UCM_436448_Article.jsp

So, today it happened.

I wasn't sure if it *would* happen.  Before I came out I contacted the original photographer who did my Fox News story initially and told him that I would be coming out "officially" on facebook and on The Blog - and did he think it would be something they would want to talk to me about.

I was nervous when I asked..... but I felt like I should let them know - they did such a good job covering my story the firs time.....

Anyhow, much to my surprise (though a happy one for sure) - he told me that he didn't think it was actually newsworthy.... though they were both very happy for me - they didn't think it was a story that warranted covering.  I was thrilled..... elated, even.  And then he said..... "But, other news outlets might feel different - so be who you are, but brace yourself.".

It was the reason El Capitan and La Novia didn't want me to come out on The Blog when I came out to them - we all worried what (if any) media storm could potentially take over our lives..... and we were all thrilled when nothing happened a few months ago.....

And then today:  the phone rang.

It rang and I let it go to voice mail.
Then it ran again.
And again....... same number.

I checked the voice mail and it was a Producer from a TV show who wanted to talk about The Sign and "recent developments" on The Blog.  

hmmmm.........Hail Mary asked me who called, and I told her and she looked at my quizzically..... "Are you going to call them back....?"   You know, in that respect, it's *a lot* to ask someone - *anyone* - but especially someone who is also gay - to date me.  At some point they also run the risk of being "exposed" on a national stage for who they are and who they choose to be with..... that choice being me.  lololol

I told her that I didn't know - that I would have to think about it..... it kind of goes back to the same thing El Capitan and I faced *after* The Sign went so viral - do we hide from it all or face it head-on and answer questions and be visible?  Well, and clearly by *we* I mean to say - just me. hahahaha

So, I thought about it..... and then I decided .... f*ck it.
Whatever is going to be is going to be..... I mean - what about if I get married again one day?  The Producer at Good Morning America told me (last year) that anytime I do something like get married again or whatever, it'll probably be something the media picks up on..... I'm guessing if I marry a cute, sweet Butch girl:  that's gonna' get someone's attention. May be not..... 

But - do I care? I mean..... I don't know.  I *do* worry about a hate crime...... they happen you know. Case in point:  Carhartts face. :(     But, ultimately, I can't just live in a closet for the rest of my life because I'm afraid of what someone is going to write about me or say about me.... I mean - let's face it, *last year* there was sooooo much sh*t people wrote about me and *a lot* of it wasn't flattering..... 

So if someone wants to add 'dyke' to that list.... well, then let 'em.

Oh HEY!  I just googled myself and I only got 28,000 returns!!!!!! Rad.... there used to be over 180,000 just a few months ago.... that's fantastic.  Mind you... it still fills my name into the search field... that's kind of nutty.

Anyhow.  I called the Producer back. They asked me how the last year has been - about inviting La Novia into the family and changing her name on The Blog.... I guess they've been doing some 'light' reading as of late... lolol.... and eventually my gayness came up.

So, I answered everything openly and honestly - and explained the timeline of when I came out to my family and online, etc.... and they took notes.

I have no idea if/where/what they will cover or when..... but at least I know I was honest.  

I was out.
I was visible.

I've been hiding in a closet for 37 years..... and I'm done hiding.  I don't know what the consequences of that choice will be - but it can't be worse than living someone else's life and pretending.  It can't be worse than never feeling comfortable in your own skin.

The Producer asked me if my local LGBT community accepted me.... I replied that I have found *nothing* friendship and acceptance in my LGBTQ community (we can't forget our GenderQueer/Transgender counterparts here!!!!) - and how while *I* was actually worried if people in this community *would* write me off because of my "straight" past and The Sign and whatnot..... that I should have never worried about that because Portland is an AMAZING place and the LGBTQ community here is nothing short a blessing.....

I have never been happier and my life only became even *more* full of amazing friends who accept and inspire me and encourage me- *daily*.  I quite literally count my blessings every single day.

They were quiet for a second, then we said goodbye..... so who knows if/when that'll all end up somewhere, I guess we'll have to wait and see.

In the meant time...... A Hail Mary update:  things are going.... good.  Really good, in fact.  Almost too good..... too good in the respect that I have to keep fear and doubt at bay...... I mean - *is* it possible to meet someone *really* amazing and wonderful AND have it work out.....?  

Will she tire of me and leave me, too?
Will she cheat on me.....?
Will she turn out to be as awesome as I believe she is.......?

But.  Nothing grows in fear:  not friendship.
Not love.

So, I'm keeping the fear and worries and doubts at arms length and just trying to create a space for our relationship to grow and be healthy.....because what I *do* know is that people like Hail Mary don't come along very often..... it's just one more thin that makes me incredibly lucky.

Oh.... and on the note of dating Butch Girls - it's totally fantastic that when your hair-tie breaks, they hand you one of theirs..... yeah:  that's kind of awesome.  :)