Wow..... the foggy haze os no sleep, air-plane, Disneyland - is finally starting to clear.... though I am exhausted!   lol

What an AMAZING experience.

It started on Monday at 3:45 am when we left for the airport - with two very sleepy and confused kids.... I was still waiting to surprise them!  We got to their airport and upon finding out where we were going - the terminal was filled with squeals and shrieks of total delight and shock... The Boy was SHOCKED. 

Then when we told him about going to Mickey's Halloween Party.... well - let's just say that even after getting up at 3:30 AM - they did *not* go back to sleep until 11:00PM THAT NIGHT! LOL

It's just been...... really.... magical.  Honestly.  Every time I look at one of them they are either smiling or laughing.  And.... funny - I noticed that *I'm* doing a crapton of smiling, too - like to where my face hurts at night from those cheek muscles not having been used in far too long.....

It took the kindness of several of our friends and family - and the MAGNETS!!!!! - to get us here - and to say that I am grateful is.... *not* enough.  Thank you, thank you, thank you.  There are so many more deserving people.... this is a blessing beyond words.

Tuesday the kids and I saw Brendan and Rachael from Big Brother and Amazing Race.  El Capitan and I were HUGE BB fans - never missed it.  I thought Rachael was fantastic - and it was so great to see them - and see that they were REAL.  They were friendly and patient and genuine - the kids didn't know who they were, but Rachel treated The Girl like a real princess - so it was the *kids* who felt like rockstars in that moment. 

The Boy has always loved scary or fast rides - but we've now learned that The Girl is the same.  Her favorite ride thus far is Big Thunder Mountain - she LOVES it!  We were lucky enough to go on it a few times in the last few days - and I noticed that The Boy and I do this little thing......

In years gone by - we made it to Disneyland in February of 2010 - and we would go to our local amusement park in Portland every summer (which is like $14 a person! lol) - and El Capitan quickly passed on his love for rollercoaster to The Boy.

This is silly really..... but today first I heard myself doing it... and then I heard The Boy doing it - but..... it's like everyone has a 'ride scream' - right? hahahaha - so I heard myself go..... "whoooo -hooo-hooo-hoo-hoo......" - which is a bit sing-songy and goes up in tone and then drops down.... and then I heard The Boy do it and what's funny - is that - El Capitan always did that. 

That was *his* happy-on-a-rollercoaster-scream.

The thing was... instead of maming my heart hurt, and instead of making me feel sad about everything that's happened and what he's done - it made me..... happy.  Like, *in spite* of what El Capitan has done - all the negative and teh hurt feelings and the lies... the piles and piles of lies which I sometimes feel totally smothered by - underneath it all, and without putting any conscience effort into it - we both remember the GOOD.

That innocent little ride-scream is a sweet reminder of what we all once had together - BUT  - it's also a FANTASTIC lesson that we can move forward, wading through the much and filth that El Capitan and Yoga Girl have left in their wake, and we *can* take with us the good.

It was freeing.  Truly.  Again - I know it's silly.... but after all the confusion and questions and pain I've seen The Boy go through - to have him scream that sweet Daddy scream - it showed me that deep down, he's still holding on to the good stuff, too.  I can't teach him how to do that - he has to do that on his own....

Recently I got an email from a reader who (is very nice, BTW) - who is worried that I've become "too negative" - that I've strayed from where I started emotionally and that I'll "lose" readers.

On the one hand, there have been alot of things happening that can't be shared in this forum, but certainly wear on my emotions and, sadly, some of it will have to change my viewpoint on some issue's. 

I'm *very much* someone who wears my life on my sleeve - and clearly... isn't afraid to live out loud online to thousands of people a day!  I try *very hard* to make sure that I'm staying *true* to how I feel and to what is going on.  I have friends and family that will hold me acountable if I try to present a side of things that either isn't accurate OR isn't a fair representation of me.

Secondly..... while I take *very seriously* the heartfelt emotions, support and emails of many of the people who read this blog.... I'm not really *doing* anything to *keep* readers.

It goes without saying that I'm clearly *not* a trained writer - hell.... i'm not even a proper 'blogger'..... I'm just me - and either you want to be on this ride, if even from afar, and understand that I'm *not* going to get everything right.  I *don't* always FEEL like playing nice and doing the "right" things... but regardless of how I feel in my heart - I always endevor to *do* the right thing.

Everything I share here *is* my feelings... from the bottom of my heart...... is the fears - from the bottom of my soul.... and I just kind of share them here.  There's no master plan - I have no idea where this all ends or what happens... I'm just trying to stay true and write.

I hope I'm doing a half-way decent job of that - but.... at the same time, I won't always get everything right - that's just not possible.  I only hope that people see the nature of what's written here and ride out those times of anger with me - understanding that while the under current *might* be negative and pissy and angry..... on the surface, I keep making choices (in front of) and *for* the kids that are the *right* thing to do not becasue I'm special and better than anyone else in my situation - but because I choose to let The Mother of My Children do the majority of the planning and executing of things.....

But, The Angry Ex-Wife of El Capitan is mostly the b*tch who writes here.  bwaahahahahaha :)

Tonight though - I rest my head on a pillow smooshed between two smaller, tiny, sweet sleeping angels - and I'm really happy today..... just HAPPY.  This isn't the "dream" I had in mind for them - but, honestly.... it's not the worst dream to be living.  We're a happy, healthy, family of three..... whoooo-hoooo-hoooo-hoooo-hoooing all the way to sleepy d

Our day ended with The Boy and The Girl sitting in the hot-tub of our hotel room chatting with other out-of-towners about the days events, sights and scenes.

The Boy say's....."Yeah - a snowman turns into a pumpkin man?!?!?!  THAT's a little bit weird for me......."  lololol

The Boy, of course, was talking about The Haunted Mansion at DISNEYLAND!!!!!!!

I'm still pinching myself .... I can't believe we got here.  Truly.  It's mindblowing - the amount of fun and joy and laughter that has come from my children today - totally, mind.blowing.

We arrived her Monday morning - we flew in on THE COOLEST planes on the planet:  Virgin.  The Girl was tickled that the lighting inside is purple and blue - not white.  They loved the FREE tv's in the seats in front of them.... AND - I loved that we all flew for $75 EACH WAY!!!!!  Almost the same price as driving.  We flew in at 6 am yesterday and then hung around until our room was ready. 

The Girl went as Alice in Wonderland, and The Boy went as Spiderman!!!!  (BTW - Walmart has GREAT costumes, we got The Boys for $12 NEW at Wally-World! :)

When the ART bus pulled up, The Boy nearly lost his mind.... screaming - "OMG MOM!!!!! MICKEY IS A PUMPKIN HEAD!!!!!!!"

The couple next to me were both startled and the husband look at me and said, "Wow - he's *that* excited in the parking lot - imagine how excited he'll be when he gets inside!"

The Boy is a bit of an innocent.... he's not cool. Not. At. All.  lolol.  He hasn't grown into that phase where he doesn't just lose his nut, freak out and scream like a  girl - at least not yet anyway.  I happen to adore this side of him - this carefree, joyful side - he doesn't care who's watching - he'll jump for joy if he wants, too.

Which - by most seven year old boy standards is *not* cool. 

They saw all the Villans and went trick or treating - but..... overall, he just wanted to walk around and look at all the Halloween stuff in the park - giant "floating" Mickey ghosts, pumkins and spooky-touches galore.  The Boy was in hog heaven.

Cleary though.... he was not as impressed with The Haunted Mansion as I thougth he would be - he was cracking up the people in the hot tub tonight with his sarcastic observations and humor (he get's that from his Dad - El Capitan is the kind of guy who easily holds the attention in a room with his humor and candor).

I was a pretty proud Mama in the hot tub tonight.  Incidently - we are staying at a hotel less than one mile from Disneyland and on Harbor - but it's only $58 per night and I got it on BookIt.com - which is the second time I've used that service and it's waaaaaay cheaper than any other travel site and the hotels have been GREAT thus far!  Free parking, free breakfast and heated pool open until 11pm! :)

OH... and coolest thing EVER - the kids and I got meet Brenchel.  Which - unless you're a Big Brother/Amazing Race fan - you might not know who they are.  El Capitan and I NEVER missed a season of Big Brother - and I was a HUGE Rachael fan from that start - so I was super excited to meet them! 

They weren't at all stuck up or "super star" like.  They took a few pics with the kids and shook our hands..... Rachael is GORGEOUS.  I thought she might be a bit "doen up" - too much make-up and stuff - but she WASN'T!!!!!  She was so pretty.

I was prepared for a long day.... fighting - tired, sore feet, etc.... but insetad - we had a great time and not too many things seemed to bother us. 

But really - what *could* bother us?  We're in THE HAPPIEST PLACE ON EARTH - and I can *assure* you - that we are three of the happiest people I know right now.... and for certain, we are the happiest we've been in a very long time.

For me.... this has been a HUGE event.  At least, I thought it was going to be.  The first time I fly without El Capitan.  Fir "big" trip - as single Mom - there's no one here to hold this kid while do something else with the other one.  There's no one to help push the stroller or hold the table while I go get our food.

So, I thought that all of those things would make it harder for me to take on a trip like this on my own - but.... frankly, I've hardly noticed.

In fact, it was late, late in the afternoon today when I realised that TODAY was the *first* day in a very, very, very long time when  even though I'm surrounded by TONS of families.... oh - TONS AND TONS of families mostly with doting husbands wearing matching shirts with the rest of their families.... and yet - I didn't sit around noticing them and thinking about how I used to be a family of four......

Nope.  I didn't really notice.... seeing a happy Dad spinning his daughter on the Mad Hatters Tea Cups didn't bring tears to my eyes.... because I think for a change - I was busy looking at my own kids - lauhing with them, having the time of our lives.... I didn't even have the chance to look around and think about what we don't have anymore.

Which has been AM.AZING.  Truly.  We really needed this trip.... that's clear to me now.

As The Boy say's.... going on this trip - single Mom, two kids, luggages and planes and sleepness nights and Disneyland.... "it's a bit weird for me...." - and yet, if also feels like a perfect fit.

More to come on our adventure tomorrow!!!!!!*****

****PS - El Capitan and I discussed this before I left town with the kids:  he agrees that I can put up pictures and movies of our time in Disneyland. Before this happened, we put up pictures of our kids on facebook and whatever - like most everyone does..... we both don't feel like haivng the kids images on the blog will be a 'big deal' - so in the coming days, you will see both the kids faces - from the front. lol.  I know some people won't agree with this decision - but, I want to be clear that we are BOTH in agreement that it's ok. 

Running on one hour of sleep.

I will post properly tomrrow

Having said that - I fell in love with advertising and Guess Ads very early on... in fact I think I was the only girl I knew whose bedroom walls were littered with pictures of Anna Nicole Smith and Claudia Schiffer.  I was obsessed with those images - the lighting, the posing (much to the annoyance of my father who thought they were too sexy) and the photography.  Through high school I worked at several modeling agencies - on occasion doing small modeling jobs, but mostly I wanted to work in the office and I would go in on the weekends to help our photographer Jim shoot all the girls.

I loved it.

Getting into the business, I've taken a few different roads - working as a photojournalist first, then families and babies and what not.... each time starting at the bottom.  I've had amazing friends along the way - photographers are insanely jealous and competitive with each other - sure, they will try to deny it, but I can *assure* you that there is not ONE photographer on the planet who doesn't look at anothers' work and think either:  I could have done that better - lighting/pose/etc... OR - as is usually the case with me - How the HELL did they do that?  I wish I were that good - .... In spite of that, though, we are also insanely loyal to our friends and we will help each other out in a heartbeat.

When I was sick in May 2010, I was really really sick - like raging infection of unknown nature, 104 degree fevers and being put into quarantine SICK.  I was blessed by how many people came to see me, or bring El Capitan and the kids food - they rallied.... it was a blessing beyond measure.

Dirty Diana, however, rallied like a photographer - calling The Bubbie to see what sessions I needed to get coverage for and then contacting my clients and doing the jobs for me.  She drove an hour just to bring me a razzmatazz Jamba smoothie and sit at my bedside while I went in and out of sleep and barely sipping at the Jamba and then polity threw away 80% of said smoothie because it melted before I could finish it.  She did it all with a smile.

See how *lucky* I am?

At the end of April, I saw another photographer post something on Facebook about another Central Oregon Photographer.... Jen Burgess Thompson.  That's one of the greatest things about this community - we'll rally around one of our own, wounded and sad and a little defeated because we understand the struggle of working for yourself and the complications of being self-insured and self... *everything*.  When we don't work - we don't get paid - there is no "sick" pay for us.  Jen... she was sicker than any of use ever want to be.

I followed the links to a movie (the one above) which was done by some of the most respected photographer videographers in the industry (Kevin Kubota lives in Bend as well).  Like anyone else who saw the video, I was instantly struck by her grace and her fight and her love.... and all the love she had yet been given the chance to give - and suddenly... that chance might be fading away to nothing.

THAT was a true tragedy.

The fact that she was a single Mother to two small children was not at all lost on me.  The fact that she was a self-employed photographer.... was also not lost on me.

There I had been sitting for days and hours and several boxes of Kleenex later.... nothing took away the pain of facing down the pink curtains of Yoga Girls box and my (then) husbands immersion into them.  During those early days - I didn't feel so much inspired by my children's smiling faces, as I felt even more brokenness and failure and pain at the idea that they were now from a 'broken' home and what would that mean....?  How would that affect them?  Had my failings as a wife just cost them the life they were born to - the life they were entitled to as products of a once loving marriage? 

Sitting at the same table, as I watched Jen's video - while I did not know her, I've never met her nor worked with her in any capacity, an amazing thing happened:  healing.

While I would love to say *Jen* was healed... selfishly, it was me who found comfort and healing and the drive to move forward.... alone.  I instantly felt grateful that instead of facing *that* journey... one filled with needles and pain and illness and... death - but instead facing a journey that involved NONE of that.

My pain suddenly felt like a First World Problem, and most certainly, one that I need to get the f*@k over.

I wrote Jen an email that night thanking her for being brave enough to share her journey.  I explained (briefly) my situation and how I was feeling a bit like an overweight Gothic Alice - falling down, down, down into a well of darkness that never seemed to end while a white rabbit that was once my marriage and my family seemed to fun faster and faster away from me.  Her video was a huge branch smacking me square in my face and giving me the perspective to understand that in my own grief, I should find joy in what I *do* have.

I explained that when her video ended the first thing I thought about was how unfair it was to her two sons that their time with their Mom should be threatened by such a cruel and unforgiving illness.  Then I looked at my own happy children playing just a few feet away and I realized that I was being incredibly unfair to them because I was wasting *our* time together.

Each day is a gift - not a promise.  Period.

That night I crawled back up out of the well, and while there are days and times that I feel like I'm falling into the darkness again, I truly do try to climb out as fast as my two fat cankles will take me- because if one day I find out that my days are limited - I don't want to look back on anger and pain and wasted time. 

The only way we honor people like Jen and all the men and woman like her... is by *living* - truly *living* our lives - finding joy in our hardships, living in empathy and compassion and just realizing that no matter what.... things can *always* be worse.

For Jen, things got worse on Friday and she passed away.

My Grandmother say's that life is for the living, and that we honor the dead by *LIVING* - taking nothing and no one for granted - that we learn from our mistakes as quickly as we can, make amends when we need to - and living in the happiness G*d had granted us - no matter how brief that happiness is.

I hope Jen, or someone close to her got my email, it's certainly no consolation to have provided healing and comfort to a stranger like me... but she did - she truly, truly did.  I wish I could have done the same for her.

You can find Jen's Blog:  HERE

Friday draws the week to a close and for most people it's a "Friday"... but every photographer knows that the world's Friday is more like my Monday - as I have weekend full of family sessions ahead of me.

I have a bit of a love/hate relationship with my career... it's really the only thing I've done for nearly all of my entire adult life:  taking pictures that make people look pretty.  I went to college, worked at a collection agency with Jason and Panda and Miss Sherri - but I hated it.  I hated waking up every day at the same time - I resented having to do things like shower everyday (I didn't) and put on my make-up (hardly ever) and pretend that I give a sh*t about what some stupid tool of a manager thinks of my ability to reclaim money from debtors (I was far less into 'pretending' than I should have been.....)

After that stint, it became clear that when my second grade report card from Mrs. Snapp said, "Elle doesn't play well with others" well... it *might* have been a little bit of foreshadowing of my life in the business world.

In the vain of honestly,I just don't care.  I'm like Haley Joel Osment... only I see stupid people.  Everywhere.

I'm not good at playing games and saying all the right things and being all PC... if you're a dumba$$ and you're doing it wrong:  I'll just tell you.  I *can* do it with tact - however, I'm not going to walk around on eggshells. 

In fact, as all of my clients know - I have a very strict "No Soup" policy.  What's that you ask......?  It's simple, if you're a dumba$$ of a client who pisses me off ... then you get 'no souped'.  Plain and simple.

On Seinfeld, the Soup Natzi has it right.  *IF* you are standing in line for *his* soup then you play by his rules - you wait patiently and quietly... you have *respect* for him and for the soup.  You don't get all annoying and ask for a million special things (while not paying a penny more!)... you just get the soup and are *grateful* for the soup because it is a good soup - the BEST soup in all New York and *THAT* should be enough.

If it's not enough, then it's No Soup For You.

While I'm not the best in New York... or Portland... or perhaps even on my own street for all I know... lolol - *if* you have hired me then you have done so because you trust my ability and desire to have *me* capture you and your family.  As such... you must be *patient*, you must be respectful and not tick me off.

I actually have a wee file of people who have been 'no souped' - and it makes me giggle a little when mutual friends of a past client who has been no-souped will *STILL* come to me even though their friend can't anymore.  In spite of myself and my No Soup policy - my clients are very loyal... a blessing I do not deserve and am entirely grateful for.

Good G*d.... how totally, utterly obnoxious is that sh*t?  Wow..... obnoxious but true.  Plus.... I can tell in about three seconds whether or not you like me, appreciate my humor and if we're going to have a smooth working relationship... I'm probably about 1/4 of the price of most comparable photogs in my area and I'm not willing to put up with your snotty a$$ just so you can save a few bucks if I have doubts that you'll actually like me and appreciate my work....

It's not worth it for me *or* the client.

This time of year is full of the usual suspects.... I have a few families whom I have photographed for nearly ten years.  TEN YEARS!  I love watching their kids grow and while nearly every MWAC on the planet has posted it on their "about" page... it's very true to say that I truly do love being apart of these people's lives.

One of my oldest clients, she had a child who is celebrating five years of being cancer free.  People always say clever things like f*ck Cancer and Cancer Sucks.... but I can assure you that Cancer sucks *the most* when it's found in a 6 month old baby.

I was there the first day of his life, in fact - I'm proud to say that I was the first person to change his diaper outside of nurse or a doctor. He was baby number three and our portrait session was set up months in advance and I came in when he was less than 24 hours old.

During the session he took a huge mustard yellowish dump tinged with that greenish black stuff and I plopped him right down and changed that sh*tty diaper.  That's just how I roll... bwahahahaha.

His Mom and I have a special bond.  I photographer their wedding and all their kids and I do their family photo every single year.... and through them I have done a fair bit of charity work as well with different families facing harrowing circumstances  - which is humbling and amazing.

During this time of my life this Mom reached out to me in and email and said, "Just remember, your darkest hour will only last 60 minutes.  You can do anything for 60 minutes - we love you."

On the one hand, she's totally right - you *can* truly do anything for 60 minutes.  But... when I read that, I thought about all the times when we weren't sure that our boy, swollen faced, distended belly and yellowing skin from chemo-meds - would make it.... and how *her* sixty minutes would have had to be SO MUCH more f*cked than my own darkest 60 minutes. 

When you're blessed to have these people in your life you just can't help but realize that worse things are happening to better people... and if you're grateful for the pain *you* have, you can move forward.

This weekend I see this family - actually I see several of my regulars - two of whom I shot their weddings years and years ago.... I love that.  If I have to give up photography for a better paying job - it's the clients I will miss the most because what they have collectively brought to my  life is so much more than a payday.

So much more.....

On that note, I'm going to drop a bit of a PSA on you:  GO GET YOUR FAMILY PHOTOS DONE.

The day after I found out about Yoga Girl and her pink box of marital deception - my first thoughts were about the kids and what this would mean... and after I crawled out of the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen when I realized this meant packing them up every other Friday to go to "their Dad's place"... my next thought was that we had not done a family photo in two years.  TWO YEARS!!!!

TWO EFFING YEARS..... and I'm a photographer?  What?

I was crushed.  Truly.  Behind my back Yoga Girl and El Capitan had run out the time on my family clock and I never had a chance to do all those things I was going to "get to" one of these days... like taking our family photo.

Damn.  I regret that so much now.

So go out there and find someone to do your family photos.  If you can't afford a "real" photographer, then find a friend with a good camera - pick a park with lots of shade and you can take turns taking photos of each others family.  It's better than nothing... and, you might find yourself face first on a cool tile floor dry heaving into a trash can because the time to get things done was sucked out of your life and now.... there is no more time, there will be no more family photos as a family of four.

This year, my friend Dirty Diana will be doing a family session for me and the Kids... I'm not sure what we're going to wear yet... but I'm super excited.  While we aren't a family of four... I can assure you that I've learned (and am still learning) from my past mistakes and I'm not going to let these opportunities pass me by. 

It's not the same... and it'll be bittersweet when my friends start sending me their holiday cards featuring the smiling faces of their loyal hubbies... lolol - but - how can my kids be proud of themselves if I don't first show them HOW to be?  How will my kids know to value this new family dynamic if I don't do it first?

If I've learned nothing else... Mr. XXXXX has taught me the importance of healing THE BOY and THE GIRL as people - loving them, respecting them, honoring them, finding joy in THEM - so that they can grow up and find those things in themselves - instead of look for it in other people.... and then never feeling fulfilled, they will continue to look for it outside their own future marriages.

Pride and joy and love and confidence .... it comes in all shapes in sizes of people.... and in spite of what some politicians think - it also comes in all shapes, sizes and genders of family - including this little family of three. 

I'm not the prettiest girl on the block - I won't be rocking skinny jeans and tall boots and fitted like a lot of the 'MILFS' who show up with their adorable families (oh... and Portland is *not* short on 'MILFS'... trust me - there are hot moms *all* over this town and tons of them are friends with me... lol) - but that's the thing- the Boy and The Girl, they only see their Mom.  Hopefully they will see how much I love them and adore them and desperately want them to feel complete and whole in spite of being blown to emotional pieces.

Hopefully one day they will look back on these pictures and remember it as the start of something and not a symbol of what is no more.  Either way... I'm looking forward to getting my Dirty Diana on and remember this part of our journey for all that it is.... even if I *really do* have a face for radio.  :)

Years ago my friend, Miss Carrie said to me, "Elle, if I didn't actually *see* all the crazy sh*t that happens in your life - I would think you were making stuff up."

Indeed...... today was no small exception to that rule.

Yesterday I received a comment on the blog that I did not approve because it had a fair bit of personal information about El Capitan that I had not yet talked about on the Blog - or anywhere public for that matter.   It seemed familiar and yet, unknown to me at the same time, so I wrote the person back asking who they were and I got back a lovely long email, here is a snippet:

"I, like all your readers, am drawn to the way you tell your story. You crack me up and make me cry. I am so sorry for all the pain you and your babies have been put through. I think about how awesome it will be when you do start to "have coffee" with people. I think about how you have so many more cool milestones to go through with your kids. I think about you meeting that incredible MAN out there that cant wait to be with you and your kids, because you are seriously "THE SHIT". No really, I do think about all this....Am I crazy? I think my husband is starting to think so!!! I feel like we would be fast friends with LOTS in common. Wait....that might be weird for you?, anyway, its how I feel! Who knows what you have been told about me...it wouldn't matter anyway, like I said, that was a life time ago!"

I knew instantly that, one - we will most likely be fast friends and two.... this email was from El Capitan's ex-girlfriend - we're going to call her Miss Veronica.*

When El Capitan and I met he told me that he had only had one 'long term' girlfriend before me - Miss Veronica - and that they had broken up several months before I met him.  (Turns out, 6 or 7 weeks actually means 'several months' in El Capitan's world).  They had been living together before she decided to move back to Arizona.

I remember thinking about her - back then.... being jealous of her.  You know - how *all* new girlfriends are kinda jealous of the girl(s) who came before them with their man (unless you're Yoga Girl and in which case sloppy seconds is something you think you are entitled to) - and Miss Veronica was no exception.  She had cats (three at the time), she loved Dave Mathews and lived gluten free.  He never said anything negative about her - just that it didn't work out.  That first year I wondered about her often - what she like, why it ended,etc.  I think most girls do that... right?  (please say yes... lolol)

Miss Veronica however.... while she didn't really have anything negative to say about her time with El Capitan she said that when she reads the blog it's like a movie playing in her head - she can see his expressions and hear his voice in her own head saying the words I write.

That was *hugely* important to me.  This has been such a strange and odd road to travel - untrained and unwittingly honest, I try to paint a picture that is as *true* to El Capitan and I as I can. 

The Bubbie always say's that people will always repeat the story of an event how *they* want you to see/hear it - or them.  They either want to be the biggest of the villains or the strongest of hero's... and mostly - we usually just want to be seen as innocent of any crimes or wrong doing. 

I don't want to be that way.  I don't want to betray the trust of the people who read this blog by painting a picture of him or I that is totally untrue.....

The fact is:  I'm loud and mouthy, I can and will talk like a sailor whenever I effing feel like it... and yes, you would be correct to assume that where *most* people think an fbomb cannot be dropped, I'm a bit like a social terrorist leaving verbal carnage in my wake.  Especially if you've pissed me off.

However... if I'm wrong:  I'll own it.  I'll apologize and make amends as best I can.  I recognize this to be a bit of a flaw in my character and as such - when it comes to raising The Boy and The Girl - they do not use foul language.  I raise them to understand that many people will judge you by the words you choose to use.  If they use naughty words at school - they won't have friends because people will assume they aren't nice children.

I think that, if we're all being honest - the first thing that appealed about my story was the sign and the humor- and then... slowly people realized that in spite of my saucy sense of humor and obsessive use of the work f*ck in all settings... I'm a *good* person.  I *try* to do the right thing.  I think that in this society and in the situation of living through a spouses betrayal - many people do not continue to use any kind of moral compass to guide their new path.  They let their broken heart blaze a trail of revenge and 'justice' - but I knew that first night, crying myself to sleep on the couch holding two confused and sleeping children that there will never be 'justice' for any of us.  Period.  Trying to get it would be a waste of my time.

So, I HAVE to *try* to do the right thing - but I certainly don't have to f*cking like it. lololol.

Of course my friends think the blog is a pretty good representation of him and I - but they *are* going to say that - right?  That's why they are *my* friends... hahaha - but that's not enough.  There are many things about El Capitan or certain situations that come up that I do not blog about.... there are many unpleasant things left unwritten here. 

Mostly El Capitan gets mad at me - like throwing things mad - when he'll say something like:  "I'm not happy - nothing is going right - everything is sh*t!!!!!"

And, when I say, "Well, it's the life you've made for us all - sorry it's not working out."

He'll go nuts and scream and yell about how I need to 'move on' and stuff like that.... people in his life don't understand what we're "fighting" about - they just think I'm a raging b*tch.  Which, to some degree I am.  I think I'm entitled to at a least a little bit of that - between him and I as ex-lovers.

My choice to the *right* things as we have dragged and crawled our way along this barbed road is only because I am my children's mother first -  before I am an angry and devastated ex-wife.

So, on that note... writing the blog is a balance of both.  The angry, the bitter, the pain, the joy... I think it all kind of spills out of me - and goes SPLAT of the page.  A blob of me, of us - of him.

When Miss Veronica said that she could *see* El Capitan in her mind saying the words I write - I feel oddly comforted by that because it means that I'm doing a fairly good job of writing about El Capitan in a way that people who know him - recognize him.  I'm not portraying some foreign version of him that people in his life have never seen. 

We talked for ours.... I can see why El Capitan was with her - she's hilarious and bold and funny.... sound familiar?  I thought so too... hahaha.  - oh - and she's got dark hair, pale skin and blue eyes... needless to say, El Capitan has a 'type' for sure.

She said that she had seen my sign and had kind of followed the story - and then she saw the picture that the Enquirer ran and realized that the blacked out face next to mine was her own ex-boyfriend.  That picture was taken for our second Christmas card by one of my assistants at the time and she had seen the full version years ago.

How totally trippy would that be?  You're following this crazy fat lady out of Oregon who writes a funny blog you like and suddenly... you're reading about your own ex?  No doubt - she had to first be thinking, "Wow - glad I dodged that bullet!".  hahaha 

The hardest part of this entire journey is trying to reconcile - in my own mind - how the hell I got *here*.  No one is ever totally innocent - that much I know.... but how much am I to blame?  How much of the burden of my failed family am I to bear? bare...? no - it's bear.  (That's a homophone bitches... I'm learning stuff.)

Was it my weight?  Was it a lack of sex?  Did I 'mother' him too much?  Did I nag him too much?  Did I not give him enough time to play his video games?  Did I not *do* enough to save my marriage and the family I adored.....?  Because, I would have done anything.  ANY.THING.  I often feel like I hold in my hands the two halves of my children's broken hearts - with their jagged and torn edges - and that in itself is a great burden for any mother, I can assure you.

Even now.... I don't see the man I loved when he stands in front of me.  I don't even see the shadow of that man cast on the ground at our feet... he's just: gone.

Listening to Miss Veronica talk about details of his life and his character - things I have not talked about on the blog - truly helped me to see that (as I had long suspected) a lot of our issue's where his and his alone.  They were the *same ones* he had with her.  The SAME ones. 

Listen up parents:  a lifetime of put-downs and playing favorites and punishment and being told that you'll never amount to *anything* - will eventually lead down a path of self-destruction.

I believe, to a large degree, that is how I ended up here... but that's just my humble opinion.
Oh, and to a smaller degree - it's Miss Veronica's, too.

It's oddly comforting to hear issue's and concerns I had about our relationship (that I have not shared here) were rooted in their situation as well.... it - frees me a little bit. 

I need that.  I need that freedom.

Not freedom from any kind of blame... and be assured - my children will *know* how I am. Anyone who knows me already knows that I suck as pretense and lying and being fake.  Sure, sure - I have the 'telephone voice' we can all have and I can be business polite when I need to be.  But it could be argued and proven that I use my business polite voice a crap ton less than other people.  Which... might make getting a real job a challenge.  Damn......

But, to speak to someone I never met before who possessed such an understanding of *me* in this situation on a level where they were connected to me by observing similar behaviors from their own experience with El Capitan... it makes me believe what a lot of our friends and family have been telling me for months:  I didn't "drive" him here, but rather, I *kept* us from getting here for as long as I could... but we were always destined to be *here* in some fashion. 

I will write more about what Miss Veronica had to say... but mostly, I just wanted to say thank you to her.  She could have stayed quiet, watching and laughing from afar grateful that it was me here in these shoes and not her... but instead, she reached out and in doing so has provided me with a bit of a comfort and peace that I didn't know I even needed.... nor did I think I would have it.

And now... for the first time in months, I will actually, truly sleep a little better. My laughter was a little lighter this afternoon and my heart... my heart is not so heavy. My burden has been lifted a little by someone else's shared experience and understanding and.... acknowledgement of some behaviors that set a path for destruction long before I stopped on a cracked side-walk and fell in love.

Tonight- just as with Mr. XXXXX, Miss Veronica has brought home the lesson that the only way to heal The Boy and The Girl and erase the cheaters DNA they seem so prone to inheriting - is not in any life lesson I can teach them, or vengeful thing I could say about their father - but is in *loving* them. In giving them whole hearts patched together not with "I'm better than your Father because...." or some of the usual things the divorce books warn against.... but instead, with self-confidence and love and pride and self-esteem - THESE are the things that are going to TRULY mend my children. 

I can *love* them better... and they *will* be better.... and secretly, even though the shadow of the man I once loved and adored is long gone... I find myself a teeny, tiny bit sad that I couldn't love El Capitan 'better'.  That our love wasn't enough 'better' the lifetime of wounds that came before me. 

One day... when I maybesortakinda am ready to "go for coffee" - that's going to be the first thing I look for in a partner:  can they love themselves better all on their own so that any love I have for them is just a bonus?

Among the amazing positive and supportive comments - and the fat jokes and PSA warnings about my malt liquor and intake - I also get quite a few emails/comments about my writting.

I think that I'm a decent 'story teller' - at least according to Jeff Probst I am... hahaha.  However, I am in agreement with the many who find fault with spelling and grammar issue's - of which - there are many in nearly every post.

In my humble defense - I'm not a writer - I'm not a blogger... I'm a photographer, a small business owner, a home-school teacher, a Mom... but 'wordsmith' is not a title I own by any stretch of the imagination.

Good for me that I never said I was to start with.  lol

It's not that I don't *want* to be a better writer - but.... I do the best I can - seriously.  I sit down five nights a week to share what's happening in my life, what's going on in my heart and how this whole, entire fuster-cluck is changing my world.  I don't anyone to think that my spelling or grammar errors are any kind of indication that I'm cavalier in *what* I'm writting.... that is NOT the case. I take the blog and what I say on it very seriously. I have google analytics on the site and the average site visitor spends over 53 minutes on the site when they visit.  That tells me that people are actually taking the time to read and digest what I write... that means a lot to me.  I truly does. 

However - my good intentions clearly do not take the place of a formal education

Much like my life... sometimes what I write on the blog - isn't very pretty.  I appologise for that, and I appologise if some people find my myriad of grammar and spelling issue's annoying.  Really - I do. 

I'm just flying by the seat of my pants... and you can either sit back and enjoy the ride - or, get sidetracked by the wind blowing your hair in your face once in a while. 

In other news - I got an invitation to my first post-divorce party.  I have some friends who go allll out for Halloween and they have two parties each year.  On Friday they have a kid friendly party - complete with a HUGE haunted house and dancing.  On Saturday, they have an all-night 'adult' party with a full bar, haunted house and dancing.

We were invited last year - and we took the kids to the kid party.  It was awesome - The Boy had the time of his life - complete with some serious poorly executed Michael Jackson moves on the dance floor.  I really wanted to go to the Saturday night party - even got us costumes to wear... but El Capitan wouldn't go.

Looking back.... now I wonder if he was embarassed to be seen with me?  Or, something?

So THIS YEAR - who has two thumbs, an ill-fitting costume and is going to the Saturday party?

THIS GIRL. lololol

I only know my friends hosting the party, so I'm a teeny bit nervous about not knowing other people - not having that built in social connection with a husband is going to be odd. 

In ten years of marriage I was only ever away from El Capitan and the kids for work - and even then, the longest we were ever apart was 7 days in a row.  He was my best friend - I looked forward to hanging out with him every night.  Given a choice - I would always prefer to be spending my time with him (in the past) - so I never really went out without him.  (other than Moms Night Out kind of thing... but not 'out out' as in like a party or anything like that....)

This year I'm DETERMINED to have a good time.  I want to go out and spend time with people who don't use the phrase "Mommy - I'm done.....!!!!!!" when they need me to come wipe their a$$.  I *adore* my children - but there's something to be said for ringing in a Saturday night with poop/pee free hands and conversations that don't involve topics like "Elmo" and "Pingu" and don't include the soundtrack of The Fresh Beat Band. 

I'm not sure what I'll wear.... perhaps I'll make up two large meatballs, stick them in a jar and walk around with a sticker that say's:  HELLO MY NAME IS The Emasculator.  (I think I just make up a new word... )

It doesn't really matter what I wear - it's not like anyone is going to hit on this hot mess... and no really - that's not fat joke - the ENTIRE PLANET can ready my inner most thoughts ... I'm not sure that makes me 'dating material' right now. I'm just looking forward to the company and a party atmosphere.

It's clear that there are things El Capitan wanted to while we were married that I was 'holding him back' from... I think it's time that I accepting that there were things *I* wanted to be doing in our marriage that we weren't - and start doing them now!

So... hit me up with your costume suggestions!!!!!!   :)

Don't eat yellow snow.
Don't sh*t where you eat.
Don't dip your pen in the company well.
Don't lick a fozen pole.

Don't poke the bear.

It's all simple enough.... really - at least it should be.  For some, however, this very idea is new to them - which means they must run around eating poo with bandaged tongues from freezing them to posts in the winter.

How much can I say..... how much should I say?  I have stayed quiet on certain topics for so long - believing it was the right thing to do.  Using the moral compass I was born with to guide my choices - instead of a bitter and angry heart... and yet:  Some people still want to poke the bear.

If I say too much, I expose myself to possible "litigation" - though I am putting some *serious* research into the conditions of libel and how it may or may not apply to anything I put on the blog.  Especially in terms of a large retailer.

I have tried not to use this "platform" for anything .... vengeful.  Sure, sure - I write lots of sarcastic and funny things that are tinged (and perhaps at times soaked in and set aflame) with bitter... *but* - in terms of having lots of ads or having any kind of "agenda" - I have not done that.

The only 'agenda' I currently have is trying to keep my head above water and my heart off the floor - which... frankly - seems to be enough to fill my days as it is.

So.... a few weeks ago - I lost my schmidt.  As some of you know - and I had a ..... 'festive' discussion with El Capitan in the parking lot NEXT DOOR to where he works.  El Capitan's employer responded in kind (weeks later) by sending me a letter of "no trespass" - which.... I found offensively ironic.

In the first place:  You sheep-shearers have been 'trespassing' on my *LIFE* for ten years.  You have denied more vacations than you ever gave us.  You STRIPED us of our entire ten years of vacation - UNPAID last December.  You have FORCED El Capitan to work 50+ hours a week when you have only paid him for 40.  *YOU* invaded my life and took up residence  in it like some filthy squatter who refused to leave but kept lowering my medical benefits every year.

Sadly.... the local polic station said they can't do anything about that.

Second.... in all this time, I have left everyone's names OFF the table.  El Capitan's name, Yoga Girl's name, certain key friends, El Capitan's employer.... I have done the *right* thing there.  I have fallen on this media sword - the good and the bad:  alone.

You, clever employer with a team of lawyers (one of whom called me today... good times) - decided to put OUR names on your lovely, colorful letterhead and FILE that as a public document.  That was just... super smart.  Super, super smart.... ya'll really know how to get things done - don't ya?  (** note - at least you *said* you filed public paper work.... more to come on that below).

That day in the parking lot:
Did I speak to *any* emplyee's?   Nope.
Did I make any kind of threats to anyone?  Nope.
Was I *ON* company property?  Nope.

Was there a Sheriff in the parking lot for part of the festivity?  Yes.
Did he approach, talk to or interview anyone.....?  Nope.
Guess he didn't see anything more than two people discussing a personal situation and I'm sure if he had *thought* it was needed he would have stepped in.... but did he?  Nope.

So.... let me get this straight. Someone who may or may not be good friends with Yoga Girl, called and complained (according to your attorney) that *I* was creating a 'hostile workplace' - while standing in the neighboring companies parking lot.... and YOU took public action against me?

You, as a company full of educated people didn't think to .... call me?  Find out my side?  Or... just send me a polite letter asking me not to return to your store?  Nope.  Legal action first, thinking later.......

I have had the common courtesy not to involve other people in this chaos..... at least not my legal name so as to avoid issue's.... and yet, you take no consideration of this?  This alone doesn't make you stop and think - hey - seems like this lady and El Capitan are going through a lot right now - perhaps a courtesy call expressing our concerns would suffice?

It's just.... *sigh*.

In 5 months.... I love my schmidt one time.  One time.  I cried - in public, this one time.

So I called the police department after getting the letter to find out why it was filed and what it meant.  They had no record of any such report being made.... hhmmmm - that's curious.

Then I waited two weeks and called again.  But, after being on hold and sent around and around - I ended up with the records lady at the police department who *assured* me that no such report/letter exists that something would *have* to be filed and recorded and she would be able to find it.

Now, I don't want to make any kind of suggestion of any kind... but I would *really* hate to find out that a letter was sent me to that *stated* the company had filed a trespassing report against me with the local police when - in fact... no such filing had been done? The letter I was sent threatens to have me *arrested* if I go to the store again.... but - is that just by the 'Power of Greyskull'?  Because it sure as sh*t doesn't appear to be by the power of the local police department.

Officers of the law, I am scared of.  For sure.  Greyskull and other such villians... not so much.

Today the company attorney told me that I can post whatever I want, but I should prepare for any steps the company may have to take against me in response.  To which I laughed.... a lot.  I pointed out that without any retirement, or savings... that I have little more than my own fat ass - and of that, she was welcome to help herself to as much of *that* as she wanted.  We can all see there's plenty to go around.  lol

She wasn't amused.  But then again... neither am I.

Several of my friends stopped shopping at this retailer a long time ago and they have encouraged me to publish who the employer is and then sit back while thousands and thousands of people stop shopping there.

Yeah... that's right dammit!!!! .... Right?

But... what about all the single Moms and Dads who *work* at that retailer to make their ends meets?  What about the families who work at this company - like El Capitan did - and they are already working ten or twenty hours extra for FREE - just in the hopes that they won't be replaced?

What if I use these words to destroy the little security they have by causing people not to shop there?  Is that right?  Is that *fair* to all those people?

No.  It's not.  I still have friends who work there who don't even make enough money to pay their own bills as it is... I can't honestly do anything that would cause trouble for them. 

I'd be *more* than happy to get an audience with El Capitan's boss and his boss's boss who both hid behind some nice lawyer lady - who told me over and over that our conversation was "fruitless" and not "worth her time"..... ah... corporate America, way to go.  Clearly law school isn't as hard to graduate from as I had once thought. lol

They don't care about me... I'm just the 'crazy ex-wife' of an employee.  NOW.  If I were a paying CUSTOMER - then THAT would be another matter entirely..... they would bend over backwards and give a frontal reach-around to make me happy. 

Well.... listen up Mr. Boss Man .... I still won't out your company not because I'm afraid of you and your nice lady-lawyers... but, because it's still not the right thing to do.

However, our favorite lady-lawyer did tell me that I'm of course *free* to stand anywhere else in Beaverton and yell at whomever I want.  (oh, and she actually *did* say it like she was doing me a favour... which again, makes me wonder just how much of the Freedom of Speech was covered at Law School....) - So, I may take her up on that offer again.  Soon.  We'll see.

I'm a nice lady.... but stil, it's never a good idea to poke the bear.

This should be an opportunity for this company to take a good hard look at their policies and the pressure they are putting their managers under and ask themselves... is it worth it?  Was robbing my children of their father on weekend after weekend... for FREE - just to sell a few more things - was it worth it?

I can assure you:  it was not.

Also... I will be following up with my local police department and asking *again* for proof of a no-trespass.... and I really really really hope for the sake of integrity that there is one and that it's dated before today's date.

Finally, one more piece of simple advice:  Don't get into the sandbox with the kid who has the bigger megaphone.  ******

*** for the SAKE of *clarity*:  I am dissapointed in the tactic of the company involking the name of law enforcement when a simple polite phone call would have been headed by me. I am frustrated past all measure at the idea that such a letter of "official" and "hostile" intent would be sent to me without actually filing paperwork with the proper authorities.  As a courtesy, I will head your warnings, but all you had to do was ask nicely -without poking the bear. 

So, for those catching up, I recieved a comment from a man - whom I call Mr. XXXXX - wehre he stated that (through the help of the blog) he saw the error of his past way and felt badly for cheating on his own sweet lady of 10 years.

I wasn't sure what to make of such a bold statement - of course people can realize the error of their ways and be sorry and change - but I had little ideat that any thing *I* have to say would influence such a thing. It's a rather... odd/surprising/wonderful thing to think about.  Humbling to say that least.

Mr. XXXXX was kind enough to write back again answering some of the questions I had for him  and now I'm writting him back again - but including his last repsonse below mine. :) 

Lost yet?  Of course you *are*... how the hell else would you have found your way here? lololol

OK - down to business.

I asked Mr. XXXXX why I "wasn't enough" for El Capitan - a marriage is more than our shape and our looks - and by all other markers, I *thought* we had a fairly good one.

There was this moment in early March - as many of you already know El Capitan, The kids and I are *HUGE* Muppet fans. HUGE.  We went to see The Muppet movie opening day and saw it three more times (at full price) in the theater (doing our best to support the franchise!).  Then The Boy had a Muppet themed birthday party (which was rad,if I do say so myself) - and for The Girl's birthday we rented out a local 'cheap' theater and for $5 per kid we got popcorn, a drink and the movie to ourselves.  We had over 65 people at her party - thankfully we only had to pay for the kids!  But... suffice to say -we LOVED all things Muppets.

As such - both our car stereo's really only had two speeds:  Muppets or Beiber.

El Capitan came home one day from running to the store with the kids and he looked a bit odd - not like he's been crying - but kind of.....?  He told me that on the way home, sitting behind him - The Girl was singing along with The Muppets CD and she sand ".... I've got - everything that I neeeeeed - right in front of me......" and was pointing her little chubby up at El Capitan driving the car.

He said that he saw her doing that in the rearview mirror (I have those "mommy mirrors" so you can see both kids in the back seat) - and he said that he was so touched by that he actually started crying in the car.

Which is odd.... because I've never really seen El Capitan cry but a few times - very few.

Anyhow..... I *also* thought that we had everything we needed.  I was very happy and I loved, loved, loved our little home and our family..... it appeared El Capitan did, too.

When I found out about Yoga Girl, at first I didn't know what to make of it all.  There I sat on the couch holding the phone while a girl who a lot more like me than Frued would find acceptable was giving me the gummiest of smiles.... and asking me .... "Are you on your way over?  Did you get free?"

The lies started immediately.  So I started texting with her.  I *did not* ask her any leading questions  - I just wanted the truth.  I texted back that I was having second thoughts and I wasn't sure what to do......

Yoga Girl texted back... "You promised me you wouldn't do this - that you wouldn't freak out....."

and - my personal favorite - "... why are you bringing up your kids now?  You never brought them up before....."

It became CLEAR to me based on what she was saying that he was living a whole different version of himself when he was with her - this wasn't even a case where he was trying to "replace" me in his life.... he was just trying to remove himself from all of us.

Yoga Girl and her Audrey Hepburn posters...

All the while a sweating and shaking El Capitan stood/sat/paced in front of me.  First he said she meant nothing.  He said it was nothing more than texting/flirting.

He said - she was an "ego boost" and that it as good for his "self-esteem" and nothing more.

Yoga Girl... however, was talking to me about how much she had had a good time the weekend before when I (El Capitan) was over there diving into her fish taco.... so - I wasn't buying his "ego" defense.

Thankfull I'm nearly as smart as I am round.... and I spent that time reading through the other text messages on the phone - knowing that the truth would actually be whatever El Capitan was saying to his friends. One of his friends had sent him a funny ecard - it was two kids starting at each other and it said, "lets just stop all this staring and start f*cking already.....".  Under the picture the friend had written... "But, no serioulsy:  this is a bad idea."

Hmmmm..... El Capitan's response is to brag about how he has a 22 year old "f*ck buddy".   Those are his words - NOT MINE.  El Capitan refered to this woman who he was willing to tear down our entire world for.... as nothing more than a 'f*ck buddy"?

What?

I would have much more settled for "love of my life" than... "fuck buddy".

A few weeks later El Capitan would ADMIT to having said all of this and much, much, much more where Yoga Girl would HEAR HIM.... and yet she's still with him.  Clearly... she's as good at swallowing the koolaide as she is other things.......

Anyhow.  In the begining it was so so so much harder to try to understand how this wasn't *all* my fault..... as time has gone by and I begin to see El Capitan and his choices for what they *really* are.... I am starting to see serious cracks in his own foundation and I was kind of like just kind of stuck to him.... plugging holes here and there as little leaks sprang up over the years - until Yoga Girl cums over in a wave of selfish ecstasy and washed me away......

Guess what:  El Capitan is still there, cracked, leaking... broken.  I don't think she get's that.

So, when Mr. XXXXX wrote back what he wrote... it was like one of those "Medium" moments where someone walks up and starts talking about your dead uncle and all these random details that only *you* know and there's no way this stranger could know that.....

Though I will be quick to admit that I was *not*  perfect in bed... unless by 'perfect' you means prefectly bored... and then yes - I was that for sure.  Lol..... but I've never said I was a perfect anything.....

I have asked El Capitan *why* over and over and over and over - at first he would say that it was him and not me - that she was nothing more than an ego-boost and he let things go too far.  Then, after the sign went up and more of his friends and Yoga Girl had much more to say about me - he changed his tune.  Told me that he was "tired" of coming home every night and having it all 'planned' out for him - that he wanted more time to do 'his stuff' - being... video games, I guess? 

When I point out that *most* men in their thirties working well over 55 hours a week with two kids don't actually get to *plan* much of anything other than sleep... he yelled at me that he never gets to finish a sentence.

Then later his reasons for destroying our family change slightly - but overall... there's never any concrete answer that isn't built on the pile of bullsh*t and lies he's told himself and Yoga Girl. 

Sad but true... while the road to Audrey Hepburns heart was paved with diamonds and Tiffany's - Yoga Girls box seems to have easily slid open on the back of THREE THOUSAND text messages and miles of bullsh*t.. oh and a few pictures.

Hehehehehe.

Ok.  So, truth and honesty time:  while I had the phone I also took the time to look through the pictures on the phone and there were a handful from the day where El Capitan had been 'working' outside with the kids doing yard work.  He was wearing a shirt from high school and it was really really really small. 

But there he was - pouting back at me through the reflection on our mini-van's window.  Several different shots - each with it's own Zoolander pout and from a new angle.  I asked him if he had sent them to her and he said no... that he didn't like the way they turned out.

WHAT?  Are you kidding me?

You took pictures of yourself in the reflection of the window of our FAMILY MINIVAN and the *only* thing you thought was *wrong* with that picture was how you LOOKED?

lolololololol.... stupid is as stupid does I guess.

So... Mr. XXXXX, your words are very helpful to me and I thank you for your honesty.  Really.  This can't be easy for you - and perhaps one day El Capitan will have his own 'come to Jesus' one day.... may be.

I spent the weekend thinking about what you have to say (and all the books I've read about cheating say mostly the same thing - that this almost always has more to do with the cheater than the spouse, etc....) - but somehow - hearing it from a real person and not a doctor writting a book - well.... it just changes things for me.

I went over the weeks and the days in my mind, thinking back on conversations..... and it's helped me a little - actually, may be  - a lot?  When you're married to someone you don't see their flaws..... you don't see the thinning hair and the larger waisteband.... you only see the man you love and all the good he does and how hard he works.. and like I said - I was stretched pretty thin plugging a few cracks and holes in his wall.... now that I can sit back and look at that the situation with new eyes - I think I see more of the issue's that were going on well before El Capitan mistook someone else's snatch for a lost and found where he might regain a bit of his youth and find his confidence.

On that token.... I worry a great deal that The Boy will grow up like his father... and his Uncle and his Grandfather and his Great-Grandfather.... because it appears that cheating is a genetic marker in this family and thus far no one has been able to keep their trouser snake happy in his own den..... Taking a good hard look at the actions of those 'men' and who they are - I also see a lack of true confidence and personal strength.... so I have come to realise that I don't need to *teach* The Boy how not to be a cheater - I need to *love* him how NOT to be a cheater... yes, I wrote that right.  I need to LOVE him -how not to be a cheater. 

If I make sure that The Boy feels love, even in his mistakes and stumbles, if I make sure he knows how to be PROUD of himself - if I give him the tools he will need to re-build himself when life starts to wear cracks in his surface... then he won't need a wife to stretch herself thin trying to plug him up.  He'll be man enough to do that on his own.

And... being man enough, he won't grow up to be a cheater because he'll know to look within to find confidence and pride and love.... and then he'll go out in the world to share it with one person who will see him for who he is and love him back.  As always, the goal is two *whole* people from one broken home.... Mr. XXXXX your words are a resonating reminder of the importance of raising



Wow, you ARE bitter lol!

Yes, I can assure you that my email was legit.  I understand with all you have been through how you could be hesitant to accept that however. 

I would be 100% willing and happy to attempt to shed any light on any questions you have for me.  I guess its my way of feeling like I am "making good" on my past mistakes.  Hit me up via email and I will answer
anything you like.  If there is anything that I can do to help you, I am happy to do it. Lets call it payback for you inspiring positive change in me.

As for your "why wasn't *I* enough for him?" question, I of course do not know his mindset but I have done a LOT of thinking about my actions and I can tell you why I did what I did:

In my case it really had NOTHING to do with her.  It was my own insecurities and lack of self esteem that drove my infidelity.  She was so nice. She was so loving. I truly enjoyed the time I had with her.  She was not a "nag".  She more than satisfied me sexually.  It was not at all because she wasn't "putting out".  She was perfect in bed. In fact, this girl was a virgin prior to me.  All she knew about sex was what I liked as she had never been with anyone else.  Seriously.  I had a virgin at home that was more than willing to satisfy my every desire and It still was not enough for me.  It kills me to know that she held her virginity until she thought she was with the man she was going to marry.  I stripped her of that innocence and in exchange I ripped her heart out.  My penis and lack of ability to control it shattered that poor girls world.  Do I even deserve to continue living?  

Looking back now, I can see my problem.  I lacked self esteem. Plain and simple.  Any time ANY woman gave me attention, I enjoyed it and had to have more and I used it to build my self esteem.  I cheated on my beautiful, loving, innocent partner with girls that were not nearly as pretty.  Not nearly as nice. Not nearly as good in bed.  All because I liked the attention and the knowledge that a woman wanted to be with me.  Seriously. It had nothing to do with how pretty, thin, hot, sexual the girl was.  If she showed interest in having sex with me, I jumped on it. Quite literally.  How sick is that? I feel terrible.  Dirty even.  I put my penis in places I am ashamed to admit all in a desperate bid to boost my own self esteem.  A part of me wishes that I could say "I cheated because she did XXXXX", but I cannot truthfully say that, and I would bet my month's salary that El Capitan cant TRUTHFULLY say that either. 

Im a guy, and I know lots of guys.  I am sorry to tell you that most guys do cheat.  I am happy to tell you though that in my experience if they are honest, it is never because of something their woman did or did not do. 
Cheaters may say that because, come on, who wants to admit to having a self esteem / self confidence issue?  It is much easier to blame the woman for getting fat, being a nag, and not putting out enough.  The bottom line is that, at the time, I found more self value in counting "notches" in my bed post than I found in being a good, honest, faithful, real man.  Terrible.  Disgraceful.  Shameful.

No more.  Do you realize how much effort it takes to cheat?  How much thought has to go into each lie?  How each lie prompts the necessity for another lie?  How difficult it is to keep all of this straight in your own head as to not get caught?  How stressful it is to have to make a conscious effort to remember the name of the girl you are currently with so you don't accidentally call her another name in bed?  How it feels to be afraid that your
cell phone will ring or she will accidentally see your internet history and catch you.  SO stressful Its ridiculous.  Lie detectors work by sensing the changes in your body when you lie.  Serious biological changes like heart rate increasing, sweating, breathing, REAL stress!  And it is SO not worth it.  Why would one put themselves through that?  It is much better, less stressful, and way more honorable to just be freakin honest and faithful.  I do not know why it took me so long to realize that and I am sorry that it did but all I can do now is apologize and not repeat those mistakes.  I am going to improve my self esteem the healthy way; by doing good things.  By treating people the way I want to be treated.  By being honest and faithful.  By recognizing and properly thanking someone for inspiring positive change in myself.   

Thanks.

-XXXXX

Elmo calls it "peep-pee" and "poo-poo".
Baby Bear calls it "wee-wee" and "woo-woo".
I just call it effing AWE.SOME.

It's an amazing blessing that my children are not only entirely cuter than me - but they are smarter and wiser than me as well..... The Girl found the "Elmo Goes Potty Movie" and has been Ob.SESSED with watching it the last few nights..... 

One night she say's, "I gots to go potty, Mommy."
Off and went.... and she hasn't had an accident since.

Huh? 

What happened to the weeks of begging?  Wasn't I supposed to buy some kind of great, fantastic toy as a bribe?  Aren't I supposed to be feeding her M&MS every time she tinkles?

Of course, there's are plenty more opportunities for her to hang a piss allll over her car seat, a friends lap - or the usual, completely normal (although thoroughly embrassing locations) for your newly trained darling to have that expected "accident".... but - a girl can hope, right?

Am I to escape, unsoiled, the chaos of potty training at the stealth writting of catchy tunes by Sesame Street coupled with the expert singing of a collection of hand puppets?

Well Thank You Jim Henson and company - because it seems that way.......

In fact, I owe a SERIOUS debt of gratitude to both The Wonder Pets for teaching The Boy the value of "weem work" (otherwise known as "team work") at the tender age of 18 months, and I owe Dj Lance, Foofa, Toodie, Muno, Plex and Brobie big ups for teaching both of my kids to send new foods to the "party in their tummy", that we don't "bite or hit" our friends and....

My personal favorite is the - "don't give up... never give up.... don't stop - no, don't stop... you'll get it right... you'll get it right....." - which, is totally the RIGHT sentiment, however, when the The Boy SINGS these sing-song lyrics at the *top* of this lungs while climbing out of the 9 foot bowl at the skate park in front of MUCH older kids.... well....

Let's just say that *while* Yo Gabba Gabba is credited with teaching my children *how* to be good friend to others.... it *does not* supply them with any kind of tangible 'street-cred' at the skate park.

But now..... I can add Elmo's fuzzy face as the reason The Girl is potty trained.

It's insane to think that instead of reading all those parenting books while I was pregnant, that I could have just watched hours and hours of Nickelodeon and PBS and been done right then and there!

Then I have to wonder where's the effing episode about Muno's family (this would be the sequel to the *awesome* Roots episode) - where Muno's Dad leaves the security of DJ Lance's paper mache' world and sets out in all his one-eyed glory with a new girl friend....?  Where's the episode for how to deal with your parent(s) poor decision making in a *positive* manner?

Sadly.... those episodes just don't exist. 

While I'm totally excited that The Girl is potty trained - it's a little bittersweet... I know - I know who the hell is sad over piss... right?  Like - hello Elle, let's not get a little melodramatic here.....

However, it's not the pee in the toilet that has me a bit weepy - it's the fact that this is the first of *many* childhood milestones that El Capitan will not be apart of.  Sure, he didn't have to worry about getting pee'd on - but he also didn't get to clap with her and jump up and down with shared joy over finding a nice long, brown log in the bottom of the bowl. 

He missed seeing her sweet smile and hearing her proud squeals over her new mad potty skillz.  He didn't get to be a part of this growth - it's something he found out after the fact. Perhaps El Capitan is more interested in g

Sometimes if feels like no matter how many emails I send about the children's days, or phone calls I make when they get a bad goose-egg or a scrape - El Capitan will be a lot  more than a spectator than coach.

I actually found myself feeling sorry for him - that he's missed out on this - missed out on the joy of her newfound independance and.... mostly, I felt a bit sorry that there was one less person clapping for her.

It made me realize that now - more than every - I'm doing the work of two parents - but that also means I'm doing the clapping and support of two parents..... which, it's good news for my kids that I'm as loud and mouthy as I am - because that shouldn't be too much of a problem.

Pee on friends..... pee on.

Oh.... and Mr. XXXXX - I will be repsonding to your very kind and person