For the record - I have *almost* always approved them. There are a few that come in where people ask me not to publish their comment for one reason or another... however, I approve the good, the bad and the nasty - and many of you have read and responded to those.
The only reason I have it set to "approve" is because early on a few people who knew El Capitan's real name were using it in their posts and I was trying to make sure that nothing was posted on the blog that *I* didn't want there. I hope that makes sense.
Today I got a comment ... and it made me stop in my tracks.
My first thought: is this legit? It almost kind of seem too good to be true.... right? Just a wee bit ..... too nice? May be that's just me being insecure .... here was the comment:
XXXXX (male name here) said:
I just stumbled upon your story and got sucked in to reading your blog. I don't know why I feel the need to comment but here goes:
Your blog has helped me become a better man. I was with a girl for over 10 years and I too cheated on her and, deserving, got left. She (much like you) was a fantastic, loving, fun to be around woman. She never would have cheated on me and was so loyal and caring. She just wanted to have a happy family and I could not keep my sexuality in control. I blew it. And I regret it.
Especially after reading your words here. I don't even know you but I truly feel for you. You are amazingly strong, but I can still sense your pain. Betrayal is a terrible thing. Reading your words has made me fully realize the impact of my actions. I can only imagine how many nights that girl cried herself to sleep over my infidelity. She didnt deserve that. I am only thankful that my mistake did not also involve two innocent
With a few years of maturity under my belt and with the help of this blog, I now see that for me, being a real man has to involve the self discipline of monogamy. I FEEL better being honest and KNOWING that I am being 100% faithful and honest with the girl I am now with. I truly do! I know it sounds silly and immature, but I used to think the definition of manhood was, well, finding as many Yoga Girls as possible.
Thanks. You are a beautiful person and I wish you health and happiness and a wonderful life.
When I first read this.... I was a bit gobsmacked. Did *I* really help someone see the error of their past ways and the harm they have done to someone else? Could my mis-spelled words full of incorrect grammar really have had *that* kind of impact on someone?
That's... like - an incredibly humbling thought. Every night I sit down to blog and I just write about day to day of what is happening in my life and what we're going through. To think - on any level - that that is actually having an impact on someone else's life and their decision making .... that's - almost more than I can wrap my brain around. Truthfully.
I know that alot of people connect with me - with my story - *that* I understand... but the idea of having influenced change in another person - I'm totally not worthy. lol
So then I'm wondering if it is real.... and I find myself wanting to ask Mr. XXXXX questions that I know El Capitan won't answer.
For instance, was an intimate relationship the only reason you left the person who loved you and adored you for ten years? That's something that the internet at large seems to feel is a somewhat valid complaint.... though El Capitan has never said it to me as a reason.
Perhaps you might shed some light on that for me...... speaking frankly - I'm not Playboy Bunny.... right? But - um.... El Capitan wasn't exactly strapping on the banana-hammock and working for tips at strip clubs himself... if you know what I mean. Let me put it this way - he was using more jeans to cover his a** while needing less shampoo for his hair....
But - that's to be expected. Right? We had moved through our attractive 20s phase and we were in the comfortable family-thirties phase.... I had grown to love El Capitan even more for his Fathering skills than I *ever* had for his washboard abs.... seriously. Nothing was more of a turn on for me than watching him play with the kids - be patient with them, giving them his time and attention....
However, if I'm *really* being honest I would have to admit that that time and dedication was kind of wavering a bit a few years ago and.... it's been on a bit of a downward slope. I chalked that up to working incredibly long hours and stress and what not.
I guess that's a question for you Mr. XXXXX - how come while I was living my *life* and loving that life - truly loving it and appreciate El Capitan for providing it - I never focused on what we didn't have, I was just grateful for what we had: happiness.
Why.... why wasn't that enough for him? Why wasn't *I* enough for him......?
Yoga Girl's lady box must be lined with kryptonite.... because it sucked everything good out of the super-man that I once knew.... that's for sure. Sadly.... I don't know if either of them has figured that out yet.
Yesterday I was on a job for a family who I have worked with for almost four years. I shot their daughter now three - every month during her first year and then her 18 month, 2 year and 3 year photos. Then they had twins who I did for the full year, then we had their 18 month session. They know me well and they have watched this go down with shock and wonder and The Mom pointed out I was still wearing my wedding ring and asked me why.
First of all... the ring isn't my wedding ring. It was my Grandmothers. The Bubbie gave me the ring on my 35th birthday and it's one of my most prized posessions. I adored my Grandfather and still adore my Grandmother.
El Capitan and I only had $165 to spend on a wedding ring for me. Over the years, the thin gold band bent and split - so I stopped wearing it years ago and put it my drawer for the children. Six years ago El Capitan completely forgot to get me anything for Christmas. No. Really. Like - nothing. Oops.
The next day I went to Fred Meyer Jewler and bought a $400 ring and wore that on my ring finger - we called that his 'stupid husband tax'. :)
The Mom was asking me why I was still wearing the ring though - and like many - she thought I should take it off.... but I guess that's the thing: I'm still married.
I DO NOT want, in any way *at all* to be married to El Capitan. I can buy my own f*cking Christmas presents... thank you very much.
However, I think that the truth is: I'm *still* married to my family. Me. The Boy. The Girl.
Table for Three.
While I don't think the men are lining up to take me out..... the truth is, I'm already a bit taken - being a Mom. **
How come family and life was enough for me.... but not for him? I know you can't answer that - but I think that that will always be the biggest, unanswered question for me, personally.
So. Back to Mr. XXXXX - if your email is genuine - and please know that I do *not* question your integrity - I think it's more that I can't really believe I could possibly have that kind of impact on someone else..... - I'm not sure what makes a 'real man'. I thought being a good father and a devoted father and a good husband MADE someone a 'real man'... clearly: I was wrong. lol
I do know this though, seeing where you went wrong in life and *owning* the choices that hurt others and making a clear choice to move forward on a new path - THAT makes anyone a good person. I'm not sure we can ask for more than that from each other while we're on this planet.
Thanks for your kind words.... I hope that your girl moved on and healed and is ok. Thank you for taking the time to comment.... I appreciate it, I really do.
**PS.... it goes without saying that men in uniform of the military kind, officer, sheriff or fireman kind - well.... the line starts just over there - and it's not a long one - bwahahahaha, but *you* are more than welcome to line up. I mean... a girl can only live alone for so long. hahahaha :)