I wasn't sure what to make of such a bold statement - of course people can realize the error of their ways and be sorry and change - but I had little ideat that any thing *I* have to say would influence such a thing. It's a rather... odd/surprising/wonderful thing to think about. Humbling to say that least.
Mr. XXXXX was kind enough to write back again answering some of the questions I had for him and now I'm writting him back again - but including his last repsonse below mine. :)
Lost yet? Of course you *are*... how the hell else would you have found your way here? lololol
OK - down to business.
I asked Mr. XXXXX why I "wasn't enough" for El Capitan - a marriage is more than our shape and our looks - and by all other markers, I *thought* we had a fairly good one.
There was this moment in early March - as many of you already know El Capitan, The kids and I are *HUGE* Muppet fans. HUGE. We went to see The Muppet movie opening day and saw it three more times (at full price) in the theater (doing our best to support the franchise!). Then The Boy had a Muppet themed birthday party (which was rad,if I do say so myself) - and for The Girl's birthday we rented out a local 'cheap' theater and for $5 per kid we got popcorn, a drink and the movie to ourselves. We had over 65 people at her party - thankfully we only had to pay for the kids! But... suffice to say -we LOVED all things Muppets.
As such - both our car stereo's really only had two speeds: Muppets or Beiber.
El Capitan came home one day from running to the store with the kids and he looked a bit odd - not like he's been crying - but kind of.....? He told me that on the way home, sitting behind him - The Girl was singing along with The Muppets CD and she sand ".... I've got - everything that I neeeeeed - right in front of me......" and was pointing her little chubby up at El Capitan driving the car.
He said that he saw her doing that in the rearview mirror (I have those "mommy mirrors" so you can see both kids in the back seat) - and he said that he was so touched by that he actually started crying in the car.
Which is odd.... because I've never really seen El Capitan cry but a few times - very few.
Anyhow..... I *also* thought that we had everything we needed. I was very happy and I loved, loved, loved our little home and our family..... it appeared El Capitan did, too.
When I found out about Yoga Girl, at first I didn't know what to make of it all. There I sat on the couch holding the phone while a girl who a lot more like me than Frued would find acceptable was giving me the gummiest of smiles.... and asking me .... "Are you on your way over? Did you get free?"
The lies started immediately. So I started texting with her. I *did not* ask her any leading questions - I just wanted the truth. I texted back that I was having second thoughts and I wasn't sure what to do......
Yoga Girl texted back... "You promised me you wouldn't do this - that you wouldn't freak out....."
and - my personal favorite - "... why are you bringing up your kids now? You never brought them up before....."
It became CLEAR to me based on what she was saying that he was living a whole different version of himself when he was with her - this wasn't even a case where he was trying to "replace" me in his life.... he was just trying to remove himself from all of us.
Yoga Girl and her Audrey Hepburn posters...
All the while a sweating and shaking El Capitan stood/sat/paced in front of me. First he said she meant nothing. He said it was nothing more than texting/flirting.
He said - she was an "ego boost" and that it as good for his "self-esteem" and nothing more.
Yoga Girl... however, was talking to me about how much she had had a good time the weekend before when I (El Capitan) was over there diving into her fish taco.... so - I wasn't buying his "ego" defense.
Thankfull I'm nearly as smart as I am round.... and I spent that time reading through the other text messages on the phone - knowing that the truth would actually be whatever El Capitan was saying to his friends. One of his friends had sent him a funny ecard - it was two kids starting at each other and it said, "lets just stop all this staring and start f*cking already.....". Under the picture the friend had written... "But, no serioulsy: this is a bad idea."
Hmmmm..... El Capitan's response is to brag about how he has a 22 year old "f*ck buddy". Those are his words - NOT MINE. El Capitan refered to this woman who he was willing to tear down our entire world for.... as nothing more than a 'f*ck buddy"?
I would have much more settled for "love of my life" than... "fuck buddy".
A few weeks later El Capitan would ADMIT to having said all of this and much, much, much more where Yoga Girl would HEAR HIM.... and yet she's still with him. Clearly... she's as good at swallowing the koolaide as she is other things.......
Anyhow. In the begining it was so so so much harder to try to understand how this wasn't *all* my fault..... as time has gone by and I begin to see El Capitan and his choices for what they *really* are.... I am starting to see serious cracks in his own foundation and I was kind of like just kind of stuck to him.... plugging holes here and there as little leaks sprang up over the years - until Yoga Girl cums over in a wave of selfish ecstasy and washed me away......
Guess what: El Capitan is still there, cracked, leaking... broken. I don't think she get's that.
So, when Mr. XXXXX wrote back what he wrote... it was like one of those "Medium" moments where someone walks up and starts talking about your dead uncle and all these random details that only *you* know and there's no way this stranger could know that.....
Though I will be quick to admit that I was *not* perfect in bed... unless by 'perfect' you means prefectly bored... and then yes - I was that for sure. Lol..... but I've never said I was a perfect anything.....
I have asked El Capitan *why* over and over and over and over - at first he would say that it was him and not me - that she was nothing more than an ego-boost and he let things go too far. Then, after the sign went up and more of his friends and Yoga Girl had much more to say about me - he changed his tune. Told me that he was "tired" of coming home every night and having it all 'planned' out for him - that he wanted more time to do 'his stuff' - being... video games, I guess?
When I point out that *most* men in their thirties working well over 55 hours a week with two kids don't actually get to *plan* much of anything other than sleep... he yelled at me that he never gets to finish a sentence.
Then later his reasons for destroying our family change slightly - but overall... there's never any concrete answer that isn't built on the pile of bullsh*t and lies he's told himself and Yoga Girl.
Sad but true... while the road to Audrey Hepburns heart was paved with diamonds and Tiffany's - Yoga Girls box seems to have easily slid open on the back of THREE THOUSAND text messages and miles of bullsh*t.. oh and a few pictures.
Ok. So, truth and honesty time: while I had the phone I also took the time to look through the pictures on the phone and there were a handful from the day where El Capitan had been 'working' outside with the kids doing yard work. He was wearing a shirt from high school and it was really really really small.
But there he was - pouting back at me through the reflection on our mini-van's window. Several different shots - each with it's own Zoolander pout and from a new angle. I asked him if he had sent them to her and he said no... that he didn't like the way they turned out.
WHAT? Are you kidding me?
You took pictures of yourself in the reflection of the window of our FAMILY MINIVAN and the *only* thing you thought was *wrong* with that picture was how you LOOKED?
lolololololol.... stupid is as stupid does I guess.
So... Mr. XXXXX, your words are very helpful to me and I thank you for your honesty. Really. This can't be easy for you - and perhaps one day El Capitan will have his own 'come to Jesus' one day.... may be.
I spent the weekend thinking about what you have to say (and all the books I've read about cheating say mostly the same thing - that this almost always has more to do with the cheater than the spouse, etc....) - but somehow - hearing it from a real person and not a doctor writting a book - well.... it just changes things for me.
I went over the weeks and the days in my mind, thinking back on conversations..... and it's helped me a little - actually, may be - a lot? When you're married to someone you don't see their flaws..... you don't see the thinning hair and the larger waisteband.... you only see the man you love and all the good he does and how hard he works.. and like I said - I was stretched pretty thin plugging a few cracks and holes in his wall.... now that I can sit back and look at that the situation with new eyes - I think I see more of the issue's that were going on well before El Capitan mistook someone else's snatch for a lost and found where he might regain a bit of his youth and find his confidence.
On that token.... I worry a great deal that The Boy will grow up like his father... and his Uncle and his Grandfather and his Great-Grandfather.... because it appears that cheating is a genetic marker in this family and thus far no one has been able to keep their trouser snake happy in his own den..... Taking a good hard look at the actions of those 'men' and who they are - I also see a lack of true confidence and personal strength.... so I have come to realise that I don't need to *teach* The Boy how not to be a cheater - I need to *love* him how NOT to be a cheater... yes, I wrote that right. I need to LOVE him -how not to be a cheater.
If I make sure that The Boy feels love, even in his mistakes and stumbles, if I make sure he knows how to be PROUD of himself - if I give him the tools he will need to re-build himself when life starts to wear cracks in his surface... then he won't need a wife to stretch herself thin trying to plug him up. He'll be man enough to do that on his own.
And... being man enough, he won't grow up to be a cheater because he'll know to look within to find confidence and pride and love.... and then he'll go out in the world to share it with one person who will see him for who he is and love him back. As always, the goal is two *whole* people from one broken home.... Mr. XXXXX your words are a resonating reminder of the importance of raising
Wow, you ARE bitter lol!
Yes, I can assure you that my email was legit. I understand with all you have been through how you could be hesitant to accept that however.
I would be 100% willing and happy to attempt to shed any light on any questions you have for me. I guess its my way of feeling like I am "making good" on my past mistakes. Hit me up via email and I will answer
anything you like. If there is anything that I can do to help you, I am happy to do it. Lets call it payback for you inspiring positive change in me.
As for your "why wasn't *I* enough for him?" question, I of course do not know his mindset but I have done a LOT of thinking about my actions and I can tell you why I did what I did:
In my case it really had NOTHING to do with her. It was my own insecurities and lack of self esteem that drove my infidelity. She was so nice. She was so loving. I truly enjoyed the time I had with her. She was not a "nag". She more than satisfied me sexually. It was not at all because she wasn't "putting out". She was perfect in bed. In fact, this girl was a virgin prior to me. All she knew about sex was what I liked as she had never been with anyone else. Seriously. I had a virgin at home that was more than willing to satisfy my every desire and It still was not enough for me. It kills me to know that she held her virginity until she thought she was with the man she was going to marry. I stripped her of that innocence and in exchange I ripped her heart out. My penis and lack of ability to control it shattered that poor girls world. Do I even deserve to continue living?
Looking back now, I can see my problem. I lacked self esteem. Plain and simple. Any time ANY woman gave me attention, I enjoyed it and had to have more and I used it to build my self esteem. I cheated on my beautiful, loving, innocent partner with girls that were not nearly as pretty. Not nearly as nice. Not nearly as good in bed. All because I liked the attention and the knowledge that a woman wanted to be with me. Seriously. It had nothing to do with how pretty, thin, hot, sexual the girl was. If she showed interest in having sex with me, I jumped on it. Quite literally. How sick is that? I feel terrible. Dirty even. I put my penis in places I am ashamed to admit all in a desperate bid to boost my own self esteem. A part of me wishes that I could say "I cheated because she did XXXXX", but I cannot truthfully say that, and I would bet my month's salary that El Capitan cant TRUTHFULLY say that either.
Im a guy, and I know lots of guys. I am sorry to tell you that most guys do cheat. I am happy to tell you though that in my experience if they are honest, it is never because of something their woman did or did not do.
Cheaters may say that because, come on, who wants to admit to having a self esteem / self confidence issue? It is much easier to blame the woman for getting fat, being a nag, and not putting out enough. The bottom line is that, at the time, I found more self value in counting "notches" in my bed post than I found in being a good, honest, faithful, real man. Terrible. Disgraceful. Shameful.
No more. Do you realize how much effort it takes to cheat? How much thought has to go into each lie? How each lie prompts the necessity for another lie? How difficult it is to keep all of this straight in your own head as to not get caught? How stressful it is to have to make a conscious effort to remember the name of the girl you are currently with so you don't accidentally call her another name in bed? How it feels to be afraid that your
cell phone will ring or she will accidentally see your internet history and catch you. SO stressful Its ridiculous. Lie detectors work by sensing the changes in your body when you lie. Serious biological changes like heart rate increasing, sweating, breathing, REAL stress! And it is SO not worth it. Why would one put themselves through that? It is much better, less stressful, and way more honorable to just be freakin honest and faithful. I do not know why it took me so long to realize that and I am sorry that it did but all I can do now is apologize and not repeat those mistakes. I am going to improve my self esteem the healthy way; by doing good things. By treating people the way I want to be treated. By being honest and faithful. By recognizing and properly thanking someone for inspiring positive change in myself.