Wow..... the foggy haze os no sleep, air-plane, Disneyland - is finally starting to clear.... though I am exhausted! lol
What an AMAZING experience.
It started on Monday at 3:45 am when we left for the airport - with two very sleepy and confused kids.... I was still waiting to surprise them! We got to their airport and upon finding out where we were going - the terminal was filled with squeals and shrieks of total delight and shock... The Boy was SHOCKED.
Then when we told him about going to Mickey's Halloween Party.... well - let's just say that even after getting up at 3:30 AM - they did *not* go back to sleep until 11:00PM THAT NIGHT! LOL
It's just been...... really.... magical. Honestly. Every time I look at one of them they are either smiling or laughing. And.... funny - I noticed that *I'm* doing a crapton of smiling, too - like to where my face hurts at night from those cheek muscles not having been used in far too long.....
It took the kindness of several of our friends and family - and the MAGNETS!!!!! - to get us here - and to say that I am grateful is.... *not* enough. Thank you, thank you, thank you. There are so many more deserving people.... this is a blessing beyond words.
Tuesday the kids and I saw Brendan and Rachael from Big Brother and Amazing Race. El Capitan and I were HUGE BB fans - never missed it. I thought Rachael was fantastic - and it was so great to see them - and see that they were REAL. They were friendly and patient and genuine - the kids didn't know who they were, but Rachel treated The Girl like a real princess - so it was the *kids* who felt like rockstars in that moment.
The Boy has always loved scary or fast rides - but we've now learned that The Girl is the same. Her favorite ride thus far is Big Thunder Mountain - she LOVES it! We were lucky enough to go on it a few times in the last few days - and I noticed that The Boy and I do this little thing......
In years gone by - we made it to Disneyland in February of 2010 - and we would go to our local amusement park in Portland every summer (which is like $14 a person! lol) - and El Capitan quickly passed on his love for rollercoaster to The Boy.
This is silly really..... but today first I heard myself doing it... and then I heard The Boy doing it - but..... it's like everyone has a 'ride scream' - right? hahahaha - so I heard myself go..... "whoooo -hooo-hooo-hoo-hoo......" - which is a bit sing-songy and goes up in tone and then drops down.... and then I heard The Boy do it and what's funny - is that - El Capitan always did that.
That was *his* happy-on-a-rollercoaster-scream.
The thing was... instead of maming my heart hurt, and instead of making me feel sad about everything that's happened and what he's done - it made me..... happy. Like, *in spite* of what El Capitan has done - all the negative and teh hurt feelings and the lies... the piles and piles of lies which I sometimes feel totally smothered by - underneath it all, and without putting any conscience effort into it - we both remember the GOOD.
That innocent little ride-scream is a sweet reminder of what we all once had together - BUT - it's also a FANTASTIC lesson that we can move forward, wading through the much and filth that El Capitan and Yoga Girl have left in their wake, and we *can* take with us the good.
It was freeing. Truly. Again - I know it's silly.... but after all the confusion and questions and pain I've seen The Boy go through - to have him scream that sweet Daddy scream - it showed me that deep down, he's still holding on to the good stuff, too. I can't teach him how to do that - he has to do that on his own....
Recently I got an email from a reader who (is very nice, BTW) - who is worried that I've become "too negative" - that I've strayed from where I started emotionally and that I'll "lose" readers.
On the one hand, there have been alot of things happening that can't be shared in this forum, but certainly wear on my emotions and, sadly, some of it will have to change my viewpoint on some issue's.
I'm *very much* someone who wears my life on my sleeve - and clearly... isn't afraid to live out loud online to thousands of people a day! I try *very hard* to make sure that I'm staying *true* to how I feel and to what is going on. I have friends and family that will hold me acountable if I try to present a side of things that either isn't accurate OR isn't a fair representation of me.
Secondly..... while I take *very seriously* the heartfelt emotions, support and emails of many of the people who read this blog.... I'm not really *doing* anything to *keep* readers.
It goes without saying that I'm clearly *not* a trained writer - hell.... i'm not even a proper 'blogger'..... I'm just me - and either you want to be on this ride, if even from afar, and understand that I'm *not* going to get everything right. I *don't* always FEEL like playing nice and doing the "right" things... but regardless of how I feel in my heart - I always endevor to *do* the right thing.
Everything I share here *is* my feelings... from the bottom of my heart...... is the fears - from the bottom of my soul.... and I just kind of share them here. There's no master plan - I have no idea where this all ends or what happens... I'm just trying to stay true and write.
I hope I'm doing a half-way decent job of that - but.... at the same time, I won't always get everything right - that's just not possible. I only hope that people see the nature of what's written here and ride out those times of anger with me - understanding that while the under current *might* be negative and pissy and angry..... on the surface, I keep making choices (in front of) and *for* the kids that are the *right* thing to do not becasue I'm special and better than anyone else in my situation - but because I choose to let The Mother of My Children do the majority of the planning and executing of things.....
But, The Angry Ex-Wife of El Capitan is mostly the b*tch who writes here. bwaahahahahaha :)
Tonight though - I rest my head on a pillow smooshed between two smaller, tiny, sweet sleeping angels - and I'm really happy today..... just HAPPY. This isn't the "dream" I had in mind for them - but, honestly.... it's not the worst dream to be living. We're a happy, healthy, family of three..... whoooo-hoooo-hoooo-hoooo-hoooing all the way to sleepy d
What an AMAZING experience.
It started on Monday at 3:45 am when we left for the airport - with two very sleepy and confused kids.... I was still waiting to surprise them! We got to their airport and upon finding out where we were going - the terminal was filled with squeals and shrieks of total delight and shock... The Boy was SHOCKED.
Then when we told him about going to Mickey's Halloween Party.... well - let's just say that even after getting up at 3:30 AM - they did *not* go back to sleep until 11:00PM THAT NIGHT! LOL
It's just been...... really.... magical. Honestly. Every time I look at one of them they are either smiling or laughing. And.... funny - I noticed that *I'm* doing a crapton of smiling, too - like to where my face hurts at night from those cheek muscles not having been used in far too long.....
It took the kindness of several of our friends and family - and the MAGNETS!!!!! - to get us here - and to say that I am grateful is.... *not* enough. Thank you, thank you, thank you. There are so many more deserving people.... this is a blessing beyond words.
Tuesday the kids and I saw Brendan and Rachael from Big Brother and Amazing Race. El Capitan and I were HUGE BB fans - never missed it. I thought Rachael was fantastic - and it was so great to see them - and see that they were REAL. They were friendly and patient and genuine - the kids didn't know who they were, but Rachel treated The Girl like a real princess - so it was the *kids* who felt like rockstars in that moment.
The Boy has always loved scary or fast rides - but we've now learned that The Girl is the same. Her favorite ride thus far is Big Thunder Mountain - she LOVES it! We were lucky enough to go on it a few times in the last few days - and I noticed that The Boy and I do this little thing......
In years gone by - we made it to Disneyland in February of 2010 - and we would go to our local amusement park in Portland every summer (which is like $14 a person! lol) - and El Capitan quickly passed on his love for rollercoaster to The Boy.
This is silly really..... but today first I heard myself doing it... and then I heard The Boy doing it - but..... it's like everyone has a 'ride scream' - right? hahahaha - so I heard myself go..... "whoooo -hooo-hooo-hoo-hoo......" - which is a bit sing-songy and goes up in tone and then drops down.... and then I heard The Boy do it and what's funny - is that - El Capitan always did that.
That was *his* happy-on-a-rollercoaster-scream.
The thing was... instead of maming my heart hurt, and instead of making me feel sad about everything that's happened and what he's done - it made me..... happy. Like, *in spite* of what El Capitan has done - all the negative and teh hurt feelings and the lies... the piles and piles of lies which I sometimes feel totally smothered by - underneath it all, and without putting any conscience effort into it - we both remember the GOOD.
That innocent little ride-scream is a sweet reminder of what we all once had together - BUT - it's also a FANTASTIC lesson that we can move forward, wading through the much and filth that El Capitan and Yoga Girl have left in their wake, and we *can* take with us the good.
It was freeing. Truly. Again - I know it's silly.... but after all the confusion and questions and pain I've seen The Boy go through - to have him scream that sweet Daddy scream - it showed me that deep down, he's still holding on to the good stuff, too. I can't teach him how to do that - he has to do that on his own....
Recently I got an email from a reader who (is very nice, BTW) - who is worried that I've become "too negative" - that I've strayed from where I started emotionally and that I'll "lose" readers.
On the one hand, there have been alot of things happening that can't be shared in this forum, but certainly wear on my emotions and, sadly, some of it will have to change my viewpoint on some issue's.
I'm *very much* someone who wears my life on my sleeve - and clearly... isn't afraid to live out loud online to thousands of people a day! I try *very hard* to make sure that I'm staying *true* to how I feel and to what is going on. I have friends and family that will hold me acountable if I try to present a side of things that either isn't accurate OR isn't a fair representation of me.
Secondly..... while I take *very seriously* the heartfelt emotions, support and emails of many of the people who read this blog.... I'm not really *doing* anything to *keep* readers.
It goes without saying that I'm clearly *not* a trained writer - hell.... i'm not even a proper 'blogger'..... I'm just me - and either you want to be on this ride, if even from afar, and understand that I'm *not* going to get everything right. I *don't* always FEEL like playing nice and doing the "right" things... but regardless of how I feel in my heart - I always endevor to *do* the right thing.
Everything I share here *is* my feelings... from the bottom of my heart...... is the fears - from the bottom of my soul.... and I just kind of share them here. There's no master plan - I have no idea where this all ends or what happens... I'm just trying to stay true and write.
I hope I'm doing a half-way decent job of that - but.... at the same time, I won't always get everything right - that's just not possible. I only hope that people see the nature of what's written here and ride out those times of anger with me - understanding that while the under current *might* be negative and pissy and angry..... on the surface, I keep making choices (in front of) and *for* the kids that are the *right* thing to do not becasue I'm special and better than anyone else in my situation - but because I choose to let The Mother of My Children do the majority of the planning and executing of things.....
But, The Angry Ex-Wife of El Capitan is mostly the b*tch who writes here. bwaahahahahaha :)
Tonight though - I rest my head on a pillow smooshed between two smaller, tiny, sweet sleeping angels - and I'm really happy today..... just HAPPY. This isn't the "dream" I had in mind for them - but, honestly.... it's not the worst dream to be living. We're a happy, healthy, family of three..... whoooo-hoooo-hoooo-hoooo-hoooing all the way to sleepy d
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