Really makes my recent stress and the hassle of running to the grocery store in the rain pale by comparison.
I say it all the time - but I really do feel like I've lived a year for every month since the day I found out about Yoga Girl... incidentally, she's back at college now. Isn't that cute? I hope she's taking an Ethics class... she *clearly* needs it. But I digress....
It's crazy to think that only a few months ago I was 'happily' married - though as the hours and days of deep thought go by - my definition of a 'happy' marriage is constantly being redefined and then of course I begin to rethink my own personal definition of happiness.
My life was good... and hard. Hard like most other Americans I know. I would get jealous sometimes, when we would go to a friends for a play date or dinner. Many of my friends have wonderful large homes that are well furnished with style and charm. But it wasn't the Honda Odyssey that would have me turning green... it was the time.
Houses full of freshly baked cookies and window sills with the latest and greatest of holiday crafts from PIntrest. All of that takes time... time I never had. I could barely keep up with the house (and not very well, I might add), and play dates and pre-school and work.
I think that that was part of what really ticked me off about the weekend was that I'm sick and tired of hearing about how much El Capitan works. As though all those days and nights he was working I was.... sitting at home eating bon-bons. Surely, I have the figure of a woman who lounges about all day stuffing her face with chocolates.
The truth is I worked just as much as El Capitan.. and now - like most single Moms - I work even more. My life is filled with things to and things that never get done.... not the least of which is not getting to a gym or cooking a proper meal or doing fun little whimsical crafts to commemorate the season and add little touches of sweet family memories to my childrens childhood.
That's the part I worry about the most... that their childhood, instead of punctuated by loving memories of a Mom who wore an apron and schooled her children and made their lives happy and whole by leaving sweet notes in their lunch box or carving hearts into the Skippy side of their PB&J sandwich, will instead of a blur of running here and there and hearing the words.... "Hang on - Mommy just has to finish this for a client....".
Insert hung head and sad face here.
My story isn't unlike most other 'single Moms' I'm sure. I guess for me.... it's just .... I wasn't expecting it. I was working and running life like a blur as it was - to help keep our heads above water and still be able to go places and do things.
But what things......? El Capitan would complaining on the weekends about having to go to birthday parties - he would just sit grumpy at a table, often not talking to or trying to connect with other parents. He would be frustrated by having his 'weekend' planned for him. By me. That bothered me then - and it bothers me now.
i would want to go to the Zoo for this exhibit, or the OMSI for something else... but he never wanted to go. Now though - it's where he runs off to take the kids every weekend. I find that most amusing... and frustrating at the same time. I'm glad that he's doing things with the kids - but, it's bittersweet that he wasn't interested in doing these things beforehand.
As the holidays roll in - I've started to realize that this Christmas might be a bit hard for me. I see things on sale - sweaters at Old Navy, etc.. .and I think (before I can stop myself) - 'Oh, El Capitan would like this....'. Then I have to remind myself that *I* don't need to shop for him anymore... that Yoga Girl will take care of all his Christmas stocking needs.....
Still, days later, not a word from El Capitan. No doubt he's read the blog and he's pissed. That's fine... there's nothing there that wasn't true and a few choice things he said that I left off the blog for his sake... Of course, he's probably catching up with how The Girl is doing on facebook and such.
It's hard to 'move on' - entirely - when I have to see and talk to him... where these opportunities are created for me being lied to. I hate it. I've no warm and fuzzy feelings left for him - as far as being a 'wife' goes.... and as more than a few readers have noticed, I *do* still hold a torch as my children's Mother that their Father will pull his head out of the Yoga Girl's Pandora's Box long enough to repair the damage that's been done and move on in the manner that they deserve.
In the meantime, I'm still just running. Trying to figure out how on the earth I'm going to support us... this is becoming a *huge* issue for me to try to digest. I really don't have any clue how I'm going to put a roof over our heads and provide for the children long term..... The idea of not being at home with them - of having to send them off to day care (which yes I *know* millions of good, wonderful Mother's do every day!) - it just.... wasn't in my Dr. Sears Attachment-Parenting plan.
And frankly... I resent like hell that fact that it's being taken away from me.
My dreamy days of aprons and baking and arts and crafts time is becoming an impossibility. Which is crushing.... yet one more thing I'll fail at as a Mother. Lately... that list seems to be growing leaps and bounds no matter what I do or what I say..... you only get *one* chance to get it right. One chance to make a childhood... and every day that passes full of anger and lies and Jamba Juice lies.... is another day of not getting it right.
I just want to get it right. I didn't get being married right.... I didn't get being a wife right... that much is clear, so now I'm tasked with getting this whole 'two-households'/one happy family thing right. I can read all the books I want, talk to as many therapists as I can... bend the ear of every friend who wants to listen... but at the end of the day the only thing that matters is that I get it: RIGHT.
I sure as shit wish I could stop going left.............