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Righty-Tighty... Lefty Loosey......

10/29/2012

3 Comments

 
Today was a long day... may be it's just me, but I can't help but feel anxious for people living on the East Coast and in NYC.... reading status updates from friends or friends of friends... it's just a bit scary.  I feel like someone is going to post a picture of Tom Cruise running out of the rushing waters on the streets to save the day.....

Really makes my recent stress and the hassle of running to the grocery store in the rain pale by comparison.

I say it all the time - but I really do feel like I've lived a year for every month since the day I found out about Yoga Girl... incidentally, she's back at college now.  Isn't that cute?  I hope she's taking an Ethics class... she *clearly* needs it.  But I digress....

It's crazy to think that only a few months ago I was 'happily' married - though as the hours and days of deep thought go by - my definition of a 'happy' marriage is constantly being redefined and then of course I begin to rethink my own personal definition of happiness. 

My life was good... and hard.  Hard like most other Americans I know.  I would get jealous sometimes, when we would go to a friends for a play date or dinner. Many of my friends have wonderful large homes that are well furnished with style and charm.  But it wasn't the Honda Odyssey that would have me turning green... it was the time. 

Houses full of freshly baked cookies and window sills with the latest and greatest of holiday crafts from PIntrest.  All of that takes time... time I never had.  I could barely keep up with the house (and not very well, I might add), and play dates and pre-school and work. 

I think that that was part of what really ticked me off about the weekend was that I'm sick and tired of hearing about how much El Capitan works.  As though all those days and nights he was working I was.... sitting at home eating bon-bons.  Surely, I have the figure of a woman who lounges about all day stuffing her face with chocolates. 

The truth is I worked just as much as El Capitan.. and now - like most single Moms - I work even more.  My life is filled with things to and things that never get done.... not the least of which is not getting to a gym or cooking a proper meal or doing fun little whimsical crafts  to commemorate the season and add little touches of sweet family memories to my childrens childhood.

That's the part I worry about the most... that their childhood, instead of punctuated by loving memories of a Mom who wore an apron and schooled her children and made their lives happy and whole by leaving sweet notes in their lunch box or carving hearts into the Skippy side of their PB&J sandwich, will instead of a blur of running here and there and hearing the words.... "Hang on - Mommy just has to finish this for a client....".

Insert hung head and sad face here.

My story isn't unlike most other 'single Moms' I'm sure.  I guess for me.... it's just .... I wasn't expecting it.  I was working and running life like a blur as it was - to help keep our heads above water and still be able to go places and do things.

But what things......?  El Capitan would complaining on the weekends about having to go to birthday parties - he would just sit grumpy at a table, often not talking to or trying to connect with other parents.  He would be frustrated by having his 'weekend' planned for him.  By me.  That bothered me then - and it bothers me now.

i would want to go to the Zoo for this exhibit, or the OMSI for something else... but he never wanted to go.  Now though - it's where he runs off to take the kids every weekend.  I find that most amusing... and frustrating at the same time. I'm glad that he's doing things with the kids - but, it's bittersweet that he wasn't interested in doing these things beforehand.

As the holidays roll in - I've started to realize that this Christmas might be a bit hard for me.  I see things on sale - sweaters at Old Navy, etc.. .and I think (before I can stop myself) - 'Oh, El Capitan would like this....'.  Then I have to remind myself that *I* don't need to shop for him anymore... that Yoga Girl will take care of all his Christmas stocking needs.....

Strange.

Still, days later, not a word from El Capitan. No doubt he's read the blog and he's pissed.  That's fine... there's nothing there that wasn't true and a few choice things he said that I left off the blog for his sake...  Of course, he's probably catching up with how The Girl is doing on facebook and such.

It's hard to 'move on' - entirely - when I have to see and talk to him... where these opportunities are created for me being lied to.  I hate it.  I've no warm and fuzzy feelings left for him - as far as being a 'wife' goes.... and as more than a few readers have noticed, I *do* still hold a torch as my children's Mother that their Father will pull his head out of the Yoga Girl's Pandora's Box long enough to repair the damage that's been done and move on in the manner that they deserve.

In the meantime, I'm still just running.  Trying to figure out how on the earth I'm going to support us... this is becoming a *huge* issue for me to try to digest.  I really don't have any clue how I'm going to put a roof over our heads and provide for the children long term..... The idea of not being at home with them - of having to send them off to day care (which yes I *know* millions of good, wonderful Mother's do every day!) - it just.... wasn't in my Dr. Sears Attachment-Parenting plan. 

And frankly... I resent like hell that fact that it's being taken away from me. 

My dreamy days of aprons and baking and arts and crafts time is becoming an impossibility.  Which is crushing.... yet one more thing I'll fail at as a Mother.  Lately... that list seems to be growing leaps and bounds no matter what I do or what I say..... you only get *one* chance to get it right.  One chance to make a childhood... and every day that passes full of anger and lies and Jamba Juice lies.... is another day of not getting it right.

I just want to get it right.  I didn't get being married right.... I didn't get being a wife right... that much is clear, so now I'm tasked with getting this whole 'two-households'/one happy family thing right.  I can read all the books I want, talk to as many therapists as I can... bend the ear of every friend who wants to listen... but at the end of the day the only thing that matters is that I get it: RIGHT.

I sure as shit wish I could stop going left.............


3 Comments
Alex
10/30/2012 01:41:12 am

Oh Ellie, Ellie, Ellie- (If I may call you that)

My parents stayed married and my mom was a stay at home mom. So were my grandmothers and aunt.  Staying at home did not necessarily lead to happy kids, and the women in my family who tried to do.all.things. right are the ones with children now in therapy. Pressuring yourself is putting pressure & stress in the atmosphere, which is more damaging than any lack of "stay at home activities" or memories.

My mom was domestically challenged, and couldn't be bothered with making anything perfect, she didn't even try, but I'm pretty trauma free and have good memories of childhood.

What children remember are very different than what their parents remember, and the children almost never remember the memories their parents tried to create.  

My mother may have slacked on things, but she wrote little notes for our lunch boxes, and put hearts in the peanut butter until we were ten. Apparently my twin sister would check to see if it was done. You know we don't remember this at all? After 10 YEARS OF HER DOING IT EVERYDAY?????!!!! 

There are tons of things my mother did to make special memories and/or traditions with us and my twin and I remember virtually none of them. What we have are memories of that time when <<insert stupid but hilarious incident here>>. None of my great memories were engineered memories, they were all spontaneous and random. It's being in a lower pressure environment that allows one to gather those.

I do remember the traditions and created memories of my grandparents, who tried to make sure everything was right. So does my father.  Christmas tree hunts for him were a very special tradition and it was done as a family and meant to be memories dammit! He's still traumatized at 63. We never had a real tree growing up, just a plastic one from the basement. We were happy!

So don't mourn the opportunity to create those memories you dreamed of.  Your kids will have entirely different memories they reflect on, and they will be surprising for you.  Just laugh with them at life.  You'll have done well.  In fact, you will have done it 'just right'.

Reply
taun-taun
10/30/2012 09:42:22 am

Baby Steps, Elle. Baby Steps. It takes a long time to turn a train a different direction. Give yourself time. You're not going to be doing everything right within months of a divorce. I know it sucks...and I am not the one going through it...but in the long run, this is a blip on your life.

YOU have not failed your children. El Capitan has. I WISH I could say that he will step and become their Knight in Shining Armor. But the reality is, I don't think he will. At least that's my experience...

You are doing amazing. Stay honest. The readers you may lose...well, who the F cares. (Oh, yes...I did say that. YIKES!) The truth is that divorce is ugly, single parenting sucks and really, the entire world should know it. You are definitely more classy than I could ever be...I'd have no problems letting the world know what a flea bag YG is...but you are classy and amazing...and your kids know it.

Keep your head held high Elle. I am and will continue praying for you.

Reply
Emma
10/30/2012 02:34:43 pm

Not to publish unless edited to be in topic.


I'm sorry but what a douche. He takes the kids to these places because it's "fun" needs to make up fun. Also it's easier than sitting home answering tough questions from them. Hospital thing made my blood boil. But u guess get used to it. You shouldn't have to but I guess you do. No doubt he was at some halloween party if young 20 something's. He orob doesn't want everyone to know he has kids. Is it possible he hides then from her social circle? Jesus. Priorities!

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