| Today was our *last* day at Disneyland!!!! :( We started the day off in Radiator Springs - the TowMator ride was GREAT... the "flying tires" ride was lame.... and by the looks on the faces of the people on the ride with us, they thought it was lame, too. lol The kids LOVED Radiator Springs Racers thingy.... well worth the wait. :) But - the ENTIRE AREA is made like Radiator Springs in the movie, so that kind of feels a bit like a 'ride' in itself - just walking around Flo's V8 and Filmores Station. | 
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Everything was coming along swimmingly.... we had lunch at Arile's Grotto where The Girl about lost her own schmidt when Princess after Princess was coming up to the table to say hello. The food - BTW - was AMAZING. Just AMAZING.
NEXT WEEK, I will write more about *how* we got here - and what we did. :)
Today though.... was hard. Really - if I'm being honest, it was hard. I broke down like three different times in tears -all these rides talking about 'dreams' and the 'future' and 'happiness'.... it'll wear a girl down when she's not sure what the 'future' holds and what her dreams for herself and for her kids - look like.
PLUS - everysingle ride I'm asked.... "How many in your party.....? Party of three......?"
Honestly, *I* thought it was going GREAT. I didn't really mind having the kids there on my own - we've made a pretty good team for years now, so.... this was a huge' challange' perse - managing them on my own and stuff.
However.... I kind of had to trick The Girl into going on Space Mountain and Tower of Terror (Both of which she is tall enough to ride) - because The Mom in me told me that they were probably a touch on the scary side.... but - The Boy REALLY wanted to go on them and he really can't go alone - so we made The Girl sack up and ride.
She's not keen on the scary bits, but she LOVES the rollercoasters. Their favorite rides were Big Thunder and Splash Mountain. The Girl wants it to go higher and faster.... she was BUMMED when California Screamin' broke done. lol
Today I was proud of myself for having enough family and friends - and the support of so many readers... followers? - that I pulled together this trip to start with - and I managed to do it without strapping a matress to my back.
And, I was doubly proud that had made it to day four without a trip to the ER or something awful happening... which you know, keeping track of two kids in a LARGE public area where one kids could easily fall or get
lots in the crowd - so I was pretty pleased with myself. :)
But I just kept hearing "party of three....?" - and it weighed my heart down a little.... and inspite of the
laughs and the smiles and high-fives and good times... standing in line for Big Thunder tonight The Boy say's, "You know Mom, this is the bestest vacation ever.....!"
So I say, "That's good bud, I'm so glad!"
The Boy then say's, "Yeah.... it would have been perfect if Dad were here..... but you know - he's not ......."
AH...... what was that you ask?
Oh, just that sound of my heart breaking, that's all.
Inside my head I'm screaming - "Really? *WOULD* it be? Would it? Because he's clearly been "faking it" for a while - pretending to be YES - more fun? Hardly......"
Instead, I say, "Well, may be - but there are plenty of other family trips we've taken with Dad and you have the fun memories from those trips!" (and I *smile* while I say so that it sounds a believeable as my heart wants it to be while my mind is struggling to gain control of my mouth and inject some bitter sarcasm.... thankfully the heart wins out.
The Boy seemed appeased at this and we move along in our place in line and he drops it.
*I* however, spend the rest of the night trying not to break down in tears. Of course I'm not at all mad or upset with The Boy. The reality is, no matter how much I have my *sh&t* together and no matter what awesome/fun thing we're doing - the kids are probably always going to think aboutthat fact that we are now a 'Party of Three' - and... frankly, they liked being a party of four better.
It's hard know that no matter how hard I try, I will never be "enough". I will never fully succeed at being Mom and Dad in any given situation. Now, I'm not talking about removing El Capitan's influence or whatever... i'm just saying - physically, in this moment, on this trip - I can only be me and that will always leave a whole where the fourth person in our party once stood.
*sigh*
So, we rode and rode and rode our cares away until the clock turned 8Pm while we were on Small World. All that hap-hap-happy music surely wasn't helped my uterus un-contract.... and I wound up having to take a moment to on a bench and have a wee cry.
Not a *big* melodramatic cry - but just a small one. I was just overwhelmed with emotion - all the kindess and love that *got* us to that place where new family memories as a 'party of three' were made.... and the start of soooo many more good times we will have to look forward too... but then, the kind of emotional brick wall of realizing that *this* is teh NEW 'normal'. Me + Two Kids = Family.
Not what I planned..... and I
The Boy said he wanted to cry, too - because he didn't want to leave Disneyland either. lol
We made our way to the bus terminal and a family of five we'd seen a few other times was waiting there, too. Laden down with nearly half a dozen shopping bags and a stroller and a bag and two kids - the Dad in the family asked me if I wanted help.
I smiled and assured him that I was ok, and thanked him anyway. The Mom then asked me, "So, we saw you theother day, too. Is it just you with the kids? Because... that's just amazing."
I said yes and then made an off-handed joke about the situation.
Turned out that they had seen they had seen the sign and couldn't believe it was me.... which is a bit weird. Well, may be not weird, but strange... the night before a woman on the bus actually asked me if I had been recently selling a house in Portland. I think she was being extra polite because the kids were sitting next to me - but she knew me from The Jeff Probst Show and gave me the 'high-five' while the husband asked a few questions. How crazy is that? Miles away from home.... that sign has a freakin' life of it's own. lol
In some respects this time along with them has brought to the forefront a few things I need to work on as a parent - so I did a lot of Everything was coming along swimmingly.... we had lunch at Arile's Grotto where
The Girl about lost her own schmidt when Princess after Princess was coming up
to the table to say hello. The food - BTW - was AMAZING. Just
AMAZING.
NEXT WEEK, I will write more about *how* we got here - and what we did. :)
Today though.... was hard. Really - if I'm being honest, it was hard. I broke down like three different times in tears -all these rides talking about 'dreams' and the 'future' and 'happiness'.... it'll wear a girl down when she's not sure what the 'future' holds and what her dreams for herself and for her kids - look like.
PLUS - everysingle ride I'm asked.... "How many in your party.....? Party of three......?"
Honestly, *I* thought it was going GREAT. I didn't really mind having the kids there on my own - we've made
a pretty good team for years now, so.... this was a huge' challange' perse - managing them on my own and stuff.
However.... I kind of had to trick The Girl into going on Space Mountain and Tower of Terror (Both of which she is tall enough to ride) - because The Mom in me told me that they were probably a touch on the scary side.... but - The Boy REALLY wanted to go on them and he really can't go alone - so we made The Girl sack up and ride.
She's not keen on the scary bits, but she LOVES the rollercoasters. Their favorite rides were Big Thunder and Splash Mountain. The Girl wants it to go higher and faster.... she was BUMMED when California Screamin' broke done. lol
Today I was proud of myself for having enough family and friends - and the support of so many readers... followers? - that I pulled together this trip to start with - and I managed to do it without strapping a matress to my back.
And, I was doubly proud that had made it to day four without a trip to the ER or something awful happening... which you know, keeping track of two kids in a LARGE public area where one kids could easily fall or get lots in the crowd - so I was pretty pleased with myself. :)
But I just kept hearing "party of three....?" - and it weighed my heart down a little.... and inspite of the laughsThunder tonight The Boy say's, "You know Mom, this is the bestest vacation ever.....!"
So I say, "That's good bud, I'm so glad!"
The Boy then say's, "Yeah.... it would have been perfect if Dad were here..... but you know - he's not ......."
AH...... what was that you ask?
Oh, just that sound of my heart breaking, that's all.
Inside my head I'm screaming - "Really? *WOULD* it be? Would it? Because he's clearly been "faking it" for a while - pretending to be YES - more fun? Hardly......"
Instead, I say, "Well, may be - but there are plenty of other family trips we've taken with Dad and you have the fun memories from those trips!" (and I *smile* while I say so that it sounds a believeable as my heart wants it to be while my mind is struggling to gain control of my mouth and inject some bitter sarcasm.... thankfully the heart wins out.
The Boy seemed appeased at this and we move along in our place in line and he drops it.
*I* however, spend the rest of the night trying not to break down in tears. Of course I'm not at all mad or upset with The Boy. The reality is, no matter how much I have my *sh&t* together and no matter what awesome/fun thing we're doing - the kids are probably always going to think aboutthat fact that we are now a 'Party of Three' - and... frankly, they liked being a party of four better.
It's hard know that no matter how hard I try, I will never be "enough". I will never fully succeed at being Mom and Dad in any given situation. Now, I'm not talking about removing El Capitan's influence or whatever... i'm just saying - physically, in this moment, on this trip - I can only be me and that will always leave a whole where the fourth person in our party once stood.
*sigh*
So, we rode and rode and rode our cares away - and I used A LOT of our waiting time to really thinkg about what I want for the kids.... and what *kind* of single parent I want to be.
Being along with them doing somethig this busy and crazy and fun and distracted... I had some time to think about where my failings are as a parent and where/how I'm going to improve.
That might seem like A LOT - but you do a butt-ton of waiting at The House of the Mouse. lolol
So we rode and laughed and ran to catch the next ride until the clock turned 8Pm while we were on Small World. All that hap-hap-happy music surely wasn't helped my uterus un-contract.... and I wound up having to take a moment to on a bench and have a wee cry.
Not a *big* melodramatic cry - but just a small one.
The Boy said he wanted to cry, too - because he didn't want to leave Disneyland either. lol
The truth is.... we *ARE* a 'Party of Three"... and I guess that's just the way it was meant
NEXT WEEK, I will write more about *how* we got here - and what we did. :)
Today though.... was hard. Really - if I'm being honest, it was hard. I broke down like three different times in tears -all these rides talking about 'dreams' and the 'future' and 'happiness'.... it'll wear a girl down when she's not sure what the 'future' holds and what her dreams for herself and for her kids - look like.
PLUS - everysingle ride I'm asked.... "How many in your party.....? Party of three......?"
Honestly, *I* thought it was going GREAT. I didn't really mind having the kids there on my own - we've made a pretty good team for years now, so.... this was a huge' challange' perse - managing them on my own and stuff.
However.... I kind of had to trick The Girl into going on Space Mountain and Tower of Terror (Both of which she is tall enough to ride) - because The Mom in me told me that they were probably a touch on the scary side.... but - The Boy REALLY wanted to go on them and he really can't go alone - so we made The Girl sack up and ride.
She's not keen on the scary bits, but she LOVES the rollercoasters. Their favorite rides were Big Thunder and Splash Mountain. The Girl wants it to go higher and faster.... she was BUMMED when California Screamin' broke done. lol
Today I was proud of myself for having enough family and friends - and the support of so many readers... followers? - that I pulled together this trip to start with - and I managed to do it without strapping a matress to my back.
And, I was doubly proud that had made it to day four without a trip to the ER or something awful happening... which you know, keeping track of two kids in a LARGE public area where one kids could easily fall or get
lots in the crowd - so I was pretty pleased with myself. :)
But I just kept hearing "party of three....?" - and it weighed my heart down a little.... and inspite of the
laughs and the smiles and high-fives and good times... standing in line for Big Thunder tonight The Boy say's, "You know Mom, this is the bestest vacation ever.....!"
So I say, "That's good bud, I'm so glad!"
The Boy then say's, "Yeah.... it would have been perfect if Dad were here..... but you know - he's not ......."
AH...... what was that you ask?
Oh, just that sound of my heart breaking, that's all.
Inside my head I'm screaming - "Really? *WOULD* it be? Would it? Because he's clearly been "faking it" for a while - pretending to be YES - more fun? Hardly......"
Instead, I say, "Well, may be - but there are plenty of other family trips we've taken with Dad and you have the fun memories from those trips!" (and I *smile* while I say so that it sounds a believeable as my heart wants it to be while my mind is struggling to gain control of my mouth and inject some bitter sarcasm.... thankfully the heart wins out.
The Boy seemed appeased at this and we move along in our place in line and he drops it.
*I* however, spend the rest of the night trying not to break down in tears. Of course I'm not at all mad or upset with The Boy. The reality is, no matter how much I have my *sh&t* together and no matter what awesome/fun thing we're doing - the kids are probably always going to think aboutthat fact that we are now a 'Party of Three' - and... frankly, they liked being a party of four better.
It's hard know that no matter how hard I try, I will never be "enough". I will never fully succeed at being Mom and Dad in any given situation. Now, I'm not talking about removing El Capitan's influence or whatever... i'm just saying - physically, in this moment, on this trip - I can only be me and that will always leave a whole where the fourth person in our party once stood.
*sigh*
So, we rode and rode and rode our cares away until the clock turned 8Pm while we were on Small World. All that hap-hap-happy music surely wasn't helped my uterus un-contract.... and I wound up having to take a moment to on a bench and have a wee cry.
Not a *big* melodramatic cry - but just a small one. I was just overwhelmed with emotion - all the kindess and love that *got* us to that place where new family memories as a 'party of three' were made.... and the start of soooo many more good times we will have to look forward too... but then, the kind of emotional brick wall of realizing that *this* is teh NEW 'normal'. Me + Two Kids = Family.
Not what I planned..... and I
The Boy said he wanted to cry, too - because he didn't want to leave Disneyland either. lol
We made our way to the bus terminal and a family of five we'd seen a few other times was waiting there, too. Laden down with nearly half a dozen shopping bags and a stroller and a bag and two kids - the Dad in the family asked me if I wanted help.
I smiled and assured him that I was ok, and thanked him anyway. The Mom then asked me, "So, we saw you theother day, too. Is it just you with the kids? Because... that's just amazing."
I said yes and then made an off-handed joke about the situation.
Turned out that they had seen they had seen the sign and couldn't believe it was me.... which is a bit weird. Well, may be not weird, but strange... the night before a woman on the bus actually asked me if I had been recently selling a house in Portland. I think she was being extra polite because the kids were sitting next to me - but she knew me from The Jeff Probst Show and gave me the 'high-five' while the husband asked a few questions. How crazy is that? Miles away from home.... that sign has a freakin' life of it's own. lol
In some respects this time along with them has brought to the forefront a few things I need to work on as a parent - so I did a lot of Everything was coming along swimmingly.... we had lunch at Arile's Grotto where
The Girl about lost her own schmidt when Princess after Princess was coming up
to the table to say hello. The food - BTW - was AMAZING. Just
AMAZING.
NEXT WEEK, I will write more about *how* we got here - and what we did. :)
Today though.... was hard. Really - if I'm being honest, it was hard. I broke down like three different times in tears -all these rides talking about 'dreams' and the 'future' and 'happiness'.... it'll wear a girl down when she's not sure what the 'future' holds and what her dreams for herself and for her kids - look like.
PLUS - everysingle ride I'm asked.... "How many in your party.....? Party of three......?"
Honestly, *I* thought it was going GREAT. I didn't really mind having the kids there on my own - we've made
a pretty good team for years now, so.... this was a huge' challange' perse - managing them on my own and stuff.
However.... I kind of had to trick The Girl into going on Space Mountain and Tower of Terror (Both of which she is tall enough to ride) - because The Mom in me told me that they were probably a touch on the scary side.... but - The Boy REALLY wanted to go on them and he really can't go alone - so we made The Girl sack up and ride.
She's not keen on the scary bits, but she LOVES the rollercoasters. Their favorite rides were Big Thunder and Splash Mountain. The Girl wants it to go higher and faster.... she was BUMMED when California Screamin' broke done. lol
Today I was proud of myself for having enough family and friends - and the support of so many readers... followers? - that I pulled together this trip to start with - and I managed to do it without strapping a matress to my back.
And, I was doubly proud that had made it to day four without a trip to the ER or something awful happening... which you know, keeping track of two kids in a LARGE public area where one kids could easily fall or get lots in the crowd - so I was pretty pleased with myself. :)
But I just kept hearing "party of three....?" - and it weighed my heart down a little.... and inspite of the laughsThunder tonight The Boy say's, "You know Mom, this is the bestest vacation ever.....!"
So I say, "That's good bud, I'm so glad!"
The Boy then say's, "Yeah.... it would have been perfect if Dad were here..... but you know - he's not ......."
AH...... what was that you ask?
Oh, just that sound of my heart breaking, that's all.
Inside my head I'm screaming - "Really? *WOULD* it be? Would it? Because he's clearly been "faking it" for a while - pretending to be YES - more fun? Hardly......"
Instead, I say, "Well, may be - but there are plenty of other family trips we've taken with Dad and you have the fun memories from those trips!" (and I *smile* while I say so that it sounds a believeable as my heart wants it to be while my mind is struggling to gain control of my mouth and inject some bitter sarcasm.... thankfully the heart wins out.
The Boy seemed appeased at this and we move along in our place in line and he drops it.
*I* however, spend the rest of the night trying not to break down in tears. Of course I'm not at all mad or upset with The Boy. The reality is, no matter how much I have my *sh&t* together and no matter what awesome/fun thing we're doing - the kids are probably always going to think aboutthat fact that we are now a 'Party of Three' - and... frankly, they liked being a party of four better.
It's hard know that no matter how hard I try, I will never be "enough". I will never fully succeed at being Mom and Dad in any given situation. Now, I'm not talking about removing El Capitan's influence or whatever... i'm just saying - physically, in this moment, on this trip - I can only be me and that will always leave a whole where the fourth person in our party once stood.
*sigh*
So, we rode and rode and rode our cares away - and I used A LOT of our waiting time to really thinkg about what I want for the kids.... and what *kind* of single parent I want to be.
Being along with them doing somethig this busy and crazy and fun and distracted... I had some time to think about where my failings are as a parent and where/how I'm going to improve.
That might seem like A LOT - but you do a butt-ton of waiting at The House of the Mouse. lolol
So we rode and laughed and ran to catch the next ride until the clock turned 8Pm while we were on Small World. All that hap-hap-happy music surely wasn't helped my uterus un-contract.... and I wound up having to take a moment to on a bench and have a wee cry.
Not a *big* melodramatic cry - but just a small one.
The Boy said he wanted to cry, too - because he didn't want to leave Disneyland either. lol
The truth is.... we *ARE* a 'Party of Three"... and I guess that's just the way it was meant
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