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Somewhere Between Anger.... and living.

5/17/2013

8 Comments

 
JULIEANNE said:

WOW ELLE YOU ARE SUCH A WONDERFUL TRUSTING PERSON--REMEMBER WHEN EL CAPITAN KEPT TELLING YOU THAT HE WAS NOT WITH HER ,THAT HE DID NOT BETRAY YOU-THAT IT IS NOT LIKE THAT----AND THEN YOU GO SEE WHERE HE SLEEPS WITH HER-----GGRRRRR-WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO YOURSELF--HE IS A LIAR AND A CHEATER HE IS NOT A FATHER AT ALL--HE LEFT HIS CHILDREN FOR A 22 YEAR OLD KID----HE IS NOT WITH THEM 24/7 LIKE HE SHOULD BE ---HE TOOK THE EASY ROAD AND LEFT THEM WITHOUT A FATHER SO THAT HE COULD PLAY WITH HIS NEW TOY -AND SOON HE WILL HAVE NEW KIDS WITH HER ,WILL BUY HER A HOUSE AND LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER AND YOU AND YOUR KIDS STILL WILL BE LIVING WITH SOMEONE ELSE AND STILL BE THE FAMILY HE DID NOT WANT AND THE FAMILY HE THREW AWAY BECAUSE HE DID NO WANT THEM ANY MORE--HE WANTED TO DO WHAT HE AND YOGA GIRL WANTED TO DO--REGARDLESS OF HIS RESPONSABILITIES----WHAT A GEM HE IS -THE BASTARD-----ELLE HE IS THE WORST ROLE MODEL FOR YOUR KIDS---DID YOU EVER FIND OUT WHY HE KEPT SAYING OVER AND OVER HE WAS NOT HAVING AN AFFAIR AND NOT SLEEPING WITH HER WHILE YOUR CAR WAS PARKED BY HER HOUSE AND DID YOU EVER FIND OUT WHY HE DID THOSE THINGS TO YOUR CAR AND WHY HE DID NOT KEEP UP WITH THE VISITING DAYS AS STIPULATED BY THE DIVORCE-----WHY DID HE LIE TO YOU ALL THE TIME----I CRY EVERY TIME I THINK ABOUT YOUR BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM TARGET OH MY GOD WHAT A SLAP ON THE FACE THAT WAS----AND WHY SO MANY THOUSANDS OF TEXT MESSAGES DID YOU EVER FIND OUT WHAT WAS THAT ALL ABOUT=====WHO OR WHY WOULD DO THAT---BY THE WAY HOW DID HE MEET YOGA GIRL---DOES HE HAVE COLLEGE AGE FRIENDS NOW---DOES HE PARTY ALL NIGHT LIKE THEY DO---WOW WHAT A PSYCHO CASE HE IS----STAY AWAY AND KEEP YOUR KIDS AWAY FROM THIS PSYCOPATH, HE IS HEARTLESS AND I DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY YOU PROTECT HIM AND HER WHEN THEY ARE THE ADULTERS AND THE ONES WHO DID WRONG-----LET THEM BE KNOWN AND SHOW THEIR PICTURES----YOU ARE NOT THE ONE WHO DID WRONG, THEY ARE THE GUILTY ONES------STOP PROTECTING THEM THEY DESERVE EACH OTHER--HE KNEW HE WAS COMMITING ADULTERY AND SHE KNEW HE WAS MARRIED,BUT THEY WENT AHEAD AND BETRAYED YOU KNOWING VERY WELL HOW THEY WOULD HURT YOU AND NOT REALLY WORRIED ABOUT IT------I KNOW EL CAPITAN KNEW YOU WOULD REACT THE WAY YOU DID AND GIVE HIM AS MANY PASSES AS HE NEED IT TO GET AWAY SCOTT FREE AND GUILT FREE-----HE KNOWS YOU BETTER THAN YOU KNEW HIM,,,,,,HE WALKED AWAY WITH YOUR BLESSINGS........"

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Wow.  Julieanne..... right between the eyes friend..... right between the eyes.
And... rightly so.

You are not the first person to write me an email/blog comment similar to this one.  

Sadly..... as Jenny B and Miss J would happily sit and tell you..... there's a lot more El Capitan has done that has *not* been posted on The Blog.  A LOT.  :(

When I was a little girl my favorite song was the Tea Pot song:  "I'm a little tea-pot, short and stout.  Here is my handle, here is my spout.  When I get all steamed up, here me SHOUT.  Tip me over and pour me out."

Writing The Book was my way of tipping myself over and pouring it all out..... I just writing and pouring and writing...... until I was empty.  That book is literally soaked with my own tears.... and you know what - I never read it. lol

Seriously.  I wrote it.  I chose certain friends for certain reasons - and they were all sent various portions or chapters.  I asked them to read it and tell me what it needed - was there something not explained?  Something I over explained?  Etc...... For the most part - the book is, essentially a first draft that was edited and printed.
Done.

I actually hadn't read it until the night of my book signing- and even *I* was caught off-guard by how much pain dripped off the pages and fell right smack into my lap.
Pages..... just dripping with pain and anger and tears......

Carhartt is trying to read The Book - they read The Blog every day..... lol.  However,  The Book is proving to be a lot of anger and pain for them to try and process..... which leads Carhartt to asking me some of the same questions that Julieanne asks above.

The truth is..... I kind of blocked a lot of that out of my mind..... I had forgotten about the scene outside the hotel with El Capitan and The Boy..... and reading the words above, I was instantly sitting back in the drivers seat of the Mazda 5, starting at El Capitan in disbelief..... and my heart swells with pain.
Instantly.

Just like that..... my little tea-pot self is full to steaming..... 
sigh.

F*ck..... of course I worry about what *really* goes on at their place.
Of course I realize that they *WILL* have kids of their own..... El Capitan say's no... but I'm smarter than that.  I know that they will get a house and build a whole new family.... and chances are:  my kids will be more on the outside looking in than living on the inside......

I f*cking know this...... and it sucks.

I remember vividly my sh*tty birthday AND the year that El Capitan actually *forgot* to get me *anything* for Christmas - AT. ALL.  I'm dead serious.  I got ONE present:  a Snoop Dogg CD.  And yes... before you ask, I do love some Snoop... however, a $12 CD wasn't really the present I was expecting under the tree when we'd been married for 7 years.  None of this is lost on me.

I have long believed that El Capitan did what he did knowing that I would 'do the right thing'.... that, while I am an *amazing* b*tch..... I always do the right thing.  He left... knowing his TV and video games and clothes and general stuff was safe.

He knew I would take care of the children.
He knew I would take care of the paperwork.
He knew I would be fair.
He knew I would sell our home.
He knew I would DO. IT. ALL.

It's a sick irony that the very same *strength* I used to get those things done - to make it through it all dragging two broken and crying children with me to the other side.... is the *very* strength that El Capitan found so emasculating during our marriage.
Sigh.

So, I realize that El Capitan got a pass.
and..... I know that I'm the person who gave it to him.

But what f*cking choice do I have exactly?  
How motherf*cking long do I have to live in the shadow of this pain - hiding from life and love and happiness?

After The Book and after Christmas where we didn't see El Capitan for what.... 5 or 6 weeks?  Where he didn't show up for Christmas.... that was kind of emotional rock bottom for me.  

After that, it was time to strap one on and climb out of that whole and start over.
I had to.
The kids needed me too.

Julieanne - you make some really valid points - and I know that there is a longer email where you share some pretty horrible stories about what happened with your kids.....but, you and I both know that The Court doesn't give a sh*t.

The Court isn't going to make him pick-up his kids and they aren't going to slap his wrists when he doesn't pick them up.  Unless he's feeding them hard drugs and alcohol or beating on them.... they aren't going to change anything.

If *I* tell him no.... then I'm the one in legal trouble.  I'm the one who pays the price with a Judge if I fail to follow our order.... not him.

Do I worry that we will a return of El Capitan of last summer.... hell yeah.
Do I worry what kind of 'role model' he is....? 
Of course.

But.  At the same time...... in that place between being angry and staying angry.... and living - I had to move towards living.   I had to ...because honestly, it felt like parts of me were dying.

So I moved slowly ... very slowly - towards moving on.  Learning not to forgive, but .... let go.
Then I worked on tolerating La Novia.
Then I worked on accepting her.

I don't have any other choice..... and honestly...... perhaps I'm wrong (thought I pray I'm not) - I don't think that La Novia does or say's things to them that are.... 'bad' or 'manipulative'.  She seems to do things with them to genuinely connect with them on their level.  

Sometimes... we're not bad people:  we're just people who make bad choices.

In the mean time, I'm still loving on those two kids as MUCH as I humanly can.... but soon I have to go to work full time.  Blogging and Photography do not pay very well, they don't come with medical benefits and retirements and such..... so, I'm trying to enjoy these last few months of not having to work full time before I have too..... 

I do tend to try to pain our life, both to myself and to others, in a positive way - because I can either walk down the road of negativity or hope...... As the mother of two children: I have to chose hope.
I have to be willing to trust and try and *hope* that everyone will do the right thing... that the children will remain the forward focus of every adult involved in their life.  And..... it's my job to help them develop the emotional tools they will need in their lives to deal with people who let them down..... 

In the mean time, The Girl still adores her Dad.... and I refuse to take that away from her.  For as long as she can hold onto the idea that her Daddy is a great guy who has done nothing wrong... I'm going to let her hold onto that.  If El Capitan's actions take that way eventually:  that's on me.
It won't be on me.

And who knows.... may be that won't happen.

I take each day as it comes, I wake up with hope, I try to have trust - I try to have patience and.... even through the weight of my past is there pressing down me - I try to move forward and make choices based on possibilities and potential ..... and hope.

Because, to be honest - the only thing between anger .... and living:  is hope.  Is the willingness to *have* hope and act in hope and move forward in love.... I'll let you know how that goes. lol

Tonight while I was writing this post, I found out on facebook that one of my senior clients lost their Mom tonight to a very long and painful battle with Cancer.  What a way to spend the end of your first year of college - right?  :(.............

I don't know if what I'm doing is right or wrong..... I read books, I talk to people.  I talk to professional people and other wives and husbands and kids who have lived through this and I try to piece together what's the best plan of action for each and every situation...... but knowing that *this* Mom's journey is over and she leaves behind two kids who's weddings she will miss, who's college graduation she won't be attending - and NOT because their Dad was a cheating ass who 'ruined her life' decades earlier... but because she's dead.

See.... living in anger is the same thing:  death.

I want to have hope.  I want to live.  I want to laugh and love and .... be happy.  Because unlike my client's Mom:  I CAN.  and thank f*ck for that.
Seriously.

I'm still here.... and who knows for how long - right?
Yes... I know that El Capitan did some really sh*tty things.... but you can either be buried by it - or use it as fertilizer and let your flowers grow instead..... no matter what - I'm going to fight to grow.  Period.

Yes... it gives "them" a pass..... but more importantly  it give *ME* a pass.  A pass to be with Carhartt and see where that goes because I'm able to trust (kind of... lololol) - and move forward.... and it gives my kids a pass to have their Dad for *as long* as they can...... 

It gives us all a pass.... and I'm extremely grateful for that tonight.
Now I'm off to snuggle my babies until they wake up in the morning.... 
8 Comments
Kay
5/16/2013 06:00:29 pm

I agree with Julienne and ... I agree with you.

Those who have not experienced the pains, find it hard to understand when we move forward.

My rule of thumb is simple.

I move forward, NOT forgetting, NOT forgiving, NOT dwelling on it. I move it all to very back of the file cabinet (mind) and it's there should I ever need to remind the asshole. Then after a decade of not being that Mrs., I find I rarely recall anything. Unless of course the dickhead is overstepping the boundary. Then, I stand up and let loose. He goes back into his man cave, and has an affair with Rum and Coke... He's slowly... ever slowly.... learning I am not the same woman I was when I divorced his raunchy ass.

Partners in life, (those we think are) tend to mold us to what they want. When we break that mold... they soon find out as do we, that we will sometimes go back to similar type people for awhile... but then... WE break those molds... and we make our own mold and that's when MEN become weeds... we pick the bad ones out and toss them in the trash without thinking.... Bottom Line.... never tell all that the former did to hurt you because the second one will remember and someday he may pour on similar pain.

Women get stronger because of what Men do to them. La Nova knows what EC did to you... she has the advantage of putting into place some ways to catch him repeating his mistakes. He will be caught sooner with her.

Circles are Circles and they spin around all the time, until they are broken. EC is the circle... he's going to get broken at some point and it could be by himself. No need for you to live with the anger and pain he caused.... it will eventually drive him to state of mind that will be twice as painful.

Enjoy your freedom physically and emotionally from him and continue moving forward. Understand, EC has not really moved on from the whole ordeal. He's still with her!

Sorry for your client, it is sad to lose a loved one. Her Mother will be with her always, in spirit.

As for the purse... that was a totally awesome thing you did. As for the *STUFF*... it's called HOARDING and I think we all are guilty to some extent.... If you haven't used it in a year... get rid of it. Think you can't??? Add up the money it is costing you to store it, and then see if the item can be replaced later for the same or less.

Good night, sweet dreams.


Reply
dusty
5/16/2013 09:23:16 pm

You are doing the right thing, don't listen to her. You have to forgive him, which it sounds like you have, this does not give El Capitan a pass, it frees you. You are moving forward with your life in a positive way. There's no point in being miserable. You have treated everyone in the situation very fairly and now is the time to move on, no more hate, you now have hope and that's the way it should be. You can't control other people's actions, just take care of yourself and your children.

Reply
Alex
5/16/2013 10:01:18 pm

Hey Elle,

That was one whopper of an email. I'll admit I'm terrified out my husband doing to me what El Capitan did to you, I don't know if I could handle it.

I hope I could get past it as you did though, because what choice would there be for happiness?

I've armchair psychoanalyzed El Capitan to death and stand by my diagnosis of whiney narcissistic/histrionic douche who needs a better officer made out of him, so why ask about him?

Out of curiosity though, has La Novia ever expressed anything to you like an apology? Like even close? Because she's won the prize described above she's in for some pain herself. I think the only way to inoculate herself from some of it is by settling up her side, to alleviate some of the pain she's caused so she doesn't take the pain El Capitan gives her with a heap of "I deserve this" guilt.

Reply
Kim P
5/17/2013 01:24:00 am

I have to say reading all of this I wanted to say. She has no right to bring all that up. Each of us make choices to either move on or stay pissed. Obviously her situation and yours are/were related but I have learned from watching my parents (I was 14 and the oldest and am 40 now) that your way would of been much easier on all of us...including my dear old dad's numerous girlfriends. I want you to know I really think that what you are doing/did with them accepting and this is how we do things meeting is a good thing and wonderful.

You see i don't have kids and can't and am ok with it now...my life isn't easy but I get thru just like you. Moving on is something I learned to do when i was with a bipolar man for over 8 years. Still is and will remain the love of my life but he wasn't good for me...I mean seriously it ended up me being the caretaker of everything just like you. I can do it all...mow, work, move us, clean, cook, laundry etc. It gets tiring. I felt like i was going insane sometimes and reading what you posted in reply made me see it wasn't just me who did it all! LOLOLOL however just like you I found someone and moving on hasn't been easy touch and go and learning to trust isn't always easy but let me tell you it is worth it!

I guess there is so much more I could say but not even sure you see all this and i have to say I have tears not because of you but happy ones for you because I think you are doing one HELL of a job !!

Reply
Taun-Taun
5/17/2013 02:22:59 am

I think that sometimes. How freaking unfair is it that they get a pass and you're left with the s*It?

But you know something? You've taught me a lot this last year.

How to look at my kids and keep moving forward.
How to not give up on my marriage because it's hard. To be damn brutally honest and let him be brutally honest. Because I don't want two homes and I don't want a Yoga Girl/La Novia in my life. (Although she'd be Golf girl for me LOL)
How to take time for myself and to keep myself healthy. To be honest with myself.
How to laugh in the midst of trials.

Most of all...you have just been an inspiration. And I thank you. You show that you CAN rise above the poop, wipe it off and move forward. :)

Hugs to you today!

Reply
Jamey
5/18/2013 12:33:29 am

It never ceases to amaze me the level to which people feel they are entitled to share their feelings and opinions with a complete stranger who happens to write a blog. I don't think I would ever have the balls to presume half the shit these people who write you do.

Reply
Alex
5/18/2013 02:13:58 pm

Hey Elle,

That was one whopper of an email. I'll admit I'm terrified out my husband doing to me what El Capitan did to you, I don't know if I could handle it.

I hope I could get past it as you did though, because what choice would there be for happiness? I can see drawing a line in the sand for the protection of my own mental health whenever I felt I was being used, provided it actually did protect me and didn't just set me up for more hassle down the road.

Living well is the best revenge anyway. When the shit hits the fan for La Novia and El Capitan, and it will, you'll be able to walk away free, it's not on your shoulders and you'll have the peace of mind of having been a good person.

Reply
Michelle R.
5/18/2013 02:47:11 pm

It took my new boyfriend (who has a psychology degree, scary!) to show me how easy I was making things for my ex (and the father of my youngest child) to not ever have to take responsibility for our child and just do whatever he wanted when he wanted. I get frustrated with his lack of parenting skills and lack of concern or care for anyone but himself. But that is how he was our entire relationship, so why would that change now? He is an incredibly selfish person, and it took me several years to realize it and eventually end the relationship (for that and many other more serious reasons). Did I make it easy on him up until now? Yes. Because I felt that if I didn't make the effort to make sure he has some kind of relationship with our child, then he wouldn't and that's not fair for our son. He knows that I will handle everything, because I always do. He knows that I will do the right thing, even when I don't want to, because that's how I am. He has taken advantage of that for a long time.
In an effort to let go I have had to distance myself from his life (and his family’s lives) even though I know this means our son won't have much of a relationship with him or his family. But for my mental health and ability to move forward with my life, that is what I have had to do. My boyfriend has reminded me that I will keep getting frustrated and upset every time my son's father fails to be the parent he should be. I need to let those feelings of needing to nurture that father-son relationship go and let him either figure it out himself or take himself out of his son's life. I am a bit of a control freak (probably an under-exaggeration) and that is a difficult thing for me to let go of. I want our child to have a healthy relationship with both parents, and for us both to equally parent our child. But that's clearly not what my ex wants. He wants me to continue to handle everything and only pop in when he has the time (between his very active social life and demanding work schedule). I can't keep calling him constantly and beg for his help with his son, I need to wait for him to call me and ask to spend time with his son. Does it mean that I will continue to go without ever getting much time away from my kids to do anything (even get my hair done, which is reaching a desperate level)? Yes. Does it mean I have to go without much sleep because I work full time on a graveyard shift and am home all day with my youngest child? Yes. But eventually my youngest will start school and I will get more sleep and maybe even a haircut. It is sad that his father has made these choices, but they are his choices. I need to do what's best for my kids and me. I have to learn to let things go and not try to control things that aren't really my job to control. It isn't easy, but I'm learning. It took someone pointing it out to me that I wasn't just "being nice", I was enabling my ex and his inappropriate behavior. I will do my best to not enable him, but still try and keep his father in his life as much as I can.
Hope this rambling shows you that you aren't alone in some of the choices you've made. I have had people say to me some of the same things Julianne said to you. But I too stand by my choices. I am still not sure what the outcome with the ex will be, but I have moved on and am incredibly happy for it.

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    Elle Zober

    Mother, "scorned wife", photographer, designer,  potential blog writer and recent guest on The View.... life's been pretty crazy as of late - crazybeautiful that is!
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Scorned, slighty bitter but still, grateful and very happy... life is good.
PS.... you *WILL find errors in grammar, spelling and otherwise... I am just a Mom - now a 'single Mom' who
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