JULIEANNE said:
WOW ELLE YOU ARE SUCH A WONDERFUL TRUSTING PERSON--REMEMBER WHEN EL CAPITAN KEPT TELLING YOU THAT HE WAS NOT WITH HER ,THAT HE DID NOT BETRAY YOU-THAT IT IS NOT LIKE THAT----AND THEN YOU GO SEE WHERE HE SLEEPS WITH HER-----GGRRRRR-WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO YOURSELF--HE IS A LIAR AND A CHEATER HE IS NOT A FATHER AT ALL--HE LEFT HIS CHILDREN FOR A 22 YEAR OLD KID----HE IS NOT WITH THEM 24/7 LIKE HE SHOULD BE ---HE TOOK THE EASY ROAD AND LEFT THEM WITHOUT A FATHER SO THAT HE COULD PLAY WITH HIS NEW TOY -AND SOON HE WILL HAVE NEW KIDS WITH HER ,WILL BUY HER A HOUSE AND LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER AND YOU AND YOUR KIDS STILL WILL BE LIVING WITH SOMEONE ELSE AND STILL BE THE FAMILY HE DID NOT WANT AND THE FAMILY HE THREW AWAY BECAUSE HE DID NO WANT THEM ANY MORE--HE WANTED TO DO WHAT HE AND YOGA GIRL WANTED TO DO--REGARDLESS OF HIS RESPONSABILITIES----WHAT A GEM HE IS -THE BASTARD-----ELLE HE IS THE WORST ROLE MODEL FOR YOUR KIDS---DID YOU EVER FIND OUT WHY HE KEPT SAYING OVER AND OVER HE WAS NOT HAVING AN AFFAIR AND NOT SLEEPING WITH HER WHILE YOUR CAR WAS PARKED BY HER HOUSE AND DID YOU EVER FIND OUT WHY HE DID THOSE THINGS TO YOUR CAR AND WHY HE DID NOT KEEP UP WITH THE VISITING DAYS AS STIPULATED BY THE DIVORCE-----WHY DID HE LIE TO YOU ALL THE TIME----I CRY EVERY TIME I THINK ABOUT YOUR BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM TARGET OH MY GOD WHAT A SLAP ON THE FACE THAT WAS----AND WHY SO MANY THOUSANDS OF TEXT MESSAGES DID YOU EVER FIND OUT WHAT WAS THAT ALL ABOUT=====WHO OR WHY WOULD DO THAT---BY THE WAY HOW DID HE MEET YOGA GIRL---DOES HE HAVE COLLEGE AGE FRIENDS NOW---DOES HE PARTY ALL NIGHT LIKE THEY DO---WOW WHAT A PSYCHO CASE HE IS----STAY AWAY AND KEEP YOUR KIDS AWAY FROM THIS PSYCOPATH, HE IS HEARTLESS AND I DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY YOU PROTECT HIM AND HER WHEN THEY ARE THE ADULTERS AND THE ONES WHO DID WRONG-----LET THEM BE KNOWN AND SHOW THEIR PICTURES----YOU ARE NOT THE ONE WHO DID WRONG, THEY ARE THE GUILTY ONES------STOP PROTECTING THEM THEY DESERVE EACH OTHER--HE KNEW HE WAS COMMITING ADULTERY AND SHE KNEW HE WAS MARRIED,BUT THEY WENT AHEAD AND BETRAYED YOU KNOWING VERY WELL HOW THEY WOULD HURT YOU AND NOT REALLY WORRIED ABOUT IT------I KNOW EL CAPITAN KNEW YOU WOULD REACT THE WAY YOU DID AND GIVE HIM AS MANY PASSES AS HE NEED IT TO GET AWAY SCOTT FREE AND GUILT FREE-----HE KNOWS YOU BETTER THAN YOU KNEW HIM,,,,,,HE WALKED AWAY WITH YOUR BLESSINGS........"
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Wow. Julieanne..... right between the eyes friend..... right between the eyes.
And... rightly so.
You are not the first person to write me an email/blog comment similar to this one.
Sadly..... as Jenny B and Miss J would happily sit and tell you..... there's a lot more El Capitan has done that has *not* been posted on The Blog. A LOT. :(
When I was a little girl my favorite song was the Tea Pot song: "I'm a little tea-pot, short and stout. Here is my handle, here is my spout. When I get all steamed up, here me SHOUT. Tip me over and pour me out."
Writing The Book was my way of tipping myself over and pouring it all out..... I just writing and pouring and writing...... until I was empty. That book is literally soaked with my own tears.... and you know what - I never read it. lol
Seriously. I wrote it. I chose certain friends for certain reasons - and they were all sent various portions or chapters. I asked them to read it and tell me what it needed - was there something not explained? Something I over explained? Etc...... For the most part - the book is, essentially a first draft that was edited and printed.
Done.
I actually hadn't read it until the night of my book signing- and even *I* was caught off-guard by how much pain dripped off the pages and fell right smack into my lap.
Pages..... just dripping with pain and anger and tears......
Carhartt is trying to read The Book - they read The Blog every day..... lol. However, The Book is proving to be a lot of anger and pain for them to try and process..... which leads Carhartt to asking me some of the same questions that Julieanne asks above.
The truth is..... I kind of blocked a lot of that out of my mind..... I had forgotten about the scene outside the hotel with El Capitan and The Boy..... and reading the words above, I was instantly sitting back in the drivers seat of the Mazda 5, starting at El Capitan in disbelief..... and my heart swells with pain.
Instantly.
Just like that..... my little tea-pot self is full to steaming.....
sigh.
F*ck..... of course I worry about what *really* goes on at their place.
Of course I realize that they *WILL* have kids of their own..... El Capitan say's no... but I'm smarter than that. I know that they will get a house and build a whole new family.... and chances are: my kids will be more on the outside looking in than living on the inside......
I f*cking know this...... and it sucks.
I remember vividly my sh*tty birthday AND the year that El Capitan actually *forgot* to get me *anything* for Christmas - AT. ALL. I'm dead serious. I got ONE present: a Snoop Dogg CD. And yes... before you ask, I do love some Snoop... however, a $12 CD wasn't really the present I was expecting under the tree when we'd been married for 7 years. None of this is lost on me.
I have long believed that El Capitan did what he did knowing that I would 'do the right thing'.... that, while I am an *amazing* b*tch..... I always do the right thing. He left... knowing his TV and video games and clothes and general stuff was safe.
He knew I would take care of the children.
He knew I would take care of the paperwork.
He knew I would be fair.
He knew I would sell our home.
He knew I would DO. IT. ALL.
It's a sick irony that the very same *strength* I used to get those things done - to make it through it all dragging two broken and crying children with me to the other side.... is the *very* strength that El Capitan found so emasculating during our marriage.
Sigh.
So, I realize that El Capitan got a pass.
and..... I know that I'm the person who gave it to him.
But what f*cking choice do I have exactly?
How motherf*cking long do I have to live in the shadow of this pain - hiding from life and love and happiness?
After The Book and after Christmas where we didn't see El Capitan for what.... 5 or 6 weeks? Where he didn't show up for Christmas.... that was kind of emotional rock bottom for me.
After that, it was time to strap one on and climb out of that whole and start over.
I had to.
The kids needed me too.
Julieanne - you make some really valid points - and I know that there is a longer email where you share some pretty horrible stories about what happened with your kids.....but, you and I both know that The Court doesn't give a sh*t.
The Court isn't going to make him pick-up his kids and they aren't going to slap his wrists when he doesn't pick them up. Unless he's feeding them hard drugs and alcohol or beating on them.... they aren't going to change anything.
If *I* tell him no.... then I'm the one in legal trouble. I'm the one who pays the price with a Judge if I fail to follow our order.... not him.
Do I worry that we will a return of El Capitan of last summer.... hell yeah.
Do I worry what kind of 'role model' he is....?
Of course.
But. At the same time...... in that place between being angry and staying angry.... and living - I had to move towards living. I had to ...because honestly, it felt like parts of me were dying.
So I moved slowly ... very slowly - towards moving on. Learning not to forgive, but .... let go.
Then I worked on tolerating La Novia.
Then I worked on accepting her.
I don't have any other choice..... and honestly...... perhaps I'm wrong (thought I pray I'm not) - I don't think that La Novia does or say's things to them that are.... 'bad' or 'manipulative'. She seems to do things with them to genuinely connect with them on their level.
Sometimes... we're not bad people: we're just people who make bad choices.
In the mean time, I'm still loving on those two kids as MUCH as I humanly can.... but soon I have to go to work full time. Blogging and Photography do not pay very well, they don't come with medical benefits and retirements and such..... so, I'm trying to enjoy these last few months of not having to work full time before I have too.....
I do tend to try to pain our life, both to myself and to others, in a positive way - because I can either walk down the road of negativity or hope...... As the mother of two children: I have to chose hope.
I have to be willing to trust and try and *hope* that everyone will do the right thing... that the children will remain the forward focus of every adult involved in their life. And..... it's my job to help them develop the emotional tools they will need in their lives to deal with people who let them down.....
In the mean time, The Girl still adores her Dad.... and I refuse to take that away from her. For as long as she can hold onto the idea that her Daddy is a great guy who has done nothing wrong... I'm going to let her hold onto that. If El Capitan's actions take that way eventually: that's on me.
It won't be on me.
And who knows.... may be that won't happen.
I take each day as it comes, I wake up with hope, I try to have trust - I try to have patience and.... even through the weight of my past is there pressing down me - I try to move forward and make choices based on possibilities and potential ..... and hope.
Because, to be honest - the only thing between anger .... and living: is hope. Is the willingness to *have* hope and act in hope and move forward in love.... I'll let you know how that goes. lol
Tonight while I was writing this post, I found out on facebook that one of my senior clients lost their Mom tonight to a very long and painful battle with Cancer. What a way to spend the end of your first year of college - right? :(.............
I don't know if what I'm doing is right or wrong..... I read books, I talk to people. I talk to professional people and other wives and husbands and kids who have lived through this and I try to piece together what's the best plan of action for each and every situation...... but knowing that *this* Mom's journey is over and she leaves behind two kids who's weddings she will miss, who's college graduation she won't be attending - and NOT because their Dad was a cheating ass who 'ruined her life' decades earlier... but because she's dead.
See.... living in anger is the same thing: death.
I want to have hope. I want to live. I want to laugh and love and .... be happy. Because unlike my client's Mom: I CAN. and thank f*ck for that.
Seriously.
I'm still here.... and who knows for how long - right?
Yes... I know that El Capitan did some really sh*tty things.... but you can either be buried by it - or use it as fertilizer and let your flowers grow instead..... no matter what - I'm going to fight to grow. Period.
Yes... it gives "them" a pass..... but more importantly it give *ME* a pass. A pass to be with Carhartt and see where that goes because I'm able to trust (kind of... lololol) - and move forward.... and it gives my kids a pass to have their Dad for *as long* as they can......
It gives us all a pass.... and I'm extremely grateful for that tonight.
Now I'm off to snuggle my babies until they wake up in the morning....
WOW ELLE YOU ARE SUCH A WONDERFUL TRUSTING PERSON--REMEMBER WHEN EL CAPITAN KEPT TELLING YOU THAT HE WAS NOT WITH HER ,THAT HE DID NOT BETRAY YOU-THAT IT IS NOT LIKE THAT----AND THEN YOU GO SEE WHERE HE SLEEPS WITH HER-----GGRRRRR-WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO YOURSELF--HE IS A LIAR AND A CHEATER HE IS NOT A FATHER AT ALL--HE LEFT HIS CHILDREN FOR A 22 YEAR OLD KID----HE IS NOT WITH THEM 24/7 LIKE HE SHOULD BE ---HE TOOK THE EASY ROAD AND LEFT THEM WITHOUT A FATHER SO THAT HE COULD PLAY WITH HIS NEW TOY -AND SOON HE WILL HAVE NEW KIDS WITH HER ,WILL BUY HER A HOUSE AND LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER AND YOU AND YOUR KIDS STILL WILL BE LIVING WITH SOMEONE ELSE AND STILL BE THE FAMILY HE DID NOT WANT AND THE FAMILY HE THREW AWAY BECAUSE HE DID NO WANT THEM ANY MORE--HE WANTED TO DO WHAT HE AND YOGA GIRL WANTED TO DO--REGARDLESS OF HIS RESPONSABILITIES----WHAT A GEM HE IS -THE BASTARD-----ELLE HE IS THE WORST ROLE MODEL FOR YOUR KIDS---DID YOU EVER FIND OUT WHY HE KEPT SAYING OVER AND OVER HE WAS NOT HAVING AN AFFAIR AND NOT SLEEPING WITH HER WHILE YOUR CAR WAS PARKED BY HER HOUSE AND DID YOU EVER FIND OUT WHY HE DID THOSE THINGS TO YOUR CAR AND WHY HE DID NOT KEEP UP WITH THE VISITING DAYS AS STIPULATED BY THE DIVORCE-----WHY DID HE LIE TO YOU ALL THE TIME----I CRY EVERY TIME I THINK ABOUT YOUR BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM TARGET OH MY GOD WHAT A SLAP ON THE FACE THAT WAS----AND WHY SO MANY THOUSANDS OF TEXT MESSAGES DID YOU EVER FIND OUT WHAT WAS THAT ALL ABOUT=====WHO OR WHY WOULD DO THAT---BY THE WAY HOW DID HE MEET YOGA GIRL---DOES HE HAVE COLLEGE AGE FRIENDS NOW---DOES HE PARTY ALL NIGHT LIKE THEY DO---WOW WHAT A PSYCHO CASE HE IS----STAY AWAY AND KEEP YOUR KIDS AWAY FROM THIS PSYCOPATH, HE IS HEARTLESS AND I DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY YOU PROTECT HIM AND HER WHEN THEY ARE THE ADULTERS AND THE ONES WHO DID WRONG-----LET THEM BE KNOWN AND SHOW THEIR PICTURES----YOU ARE NOT THE ONE WHO DID WRONG, THEY ARE THE GUILTY ONES------STOP PROTECTING THEM THEY DESERVE EACH OTHER--HE KNEW HE WAS COMMITING ADULTERY AND SHE KNEW HE WAS MARRIED,BUT THEY WENT AHEAD AND BETRAYED YOU KNOWING VERY WELL HOW THEY WOULD HURT YOU AND NOT REALLY WORRIED ABOUT IT------I KNOW EL CAPITAN KNEW YOU WOULD REACT THE WAY YOU DID AND GIVE HIM AS MANY PASSES AS HE NEED IT TO GET AWAY SCOTT FREE AND GUILT FREE-----HE KNOWS YOU BETTER THAN YOU KNEW HIM,,,,,,HE WALKED AWAY WITH YOUR BLESSINGS........"
*****************************************************************************************
Wow. Julieanne..... right between the eyes friend..... right between the eyes.
And... rightly so.
You are not the first person to write me an email/blog comment similar to this one.
Sadly..... as Jenny B and Miss J would happily sit and tell you..... there's a lot more El Capitan has done that has *not* been posted on The Blog. A LOT. :(
When I was a little girl my favorite song was the Tea Pot song: "I'm a little tea-pot, short and stout. Here is my handle, here is my spout. When I get all steamed up, here me SHOUT. Tip me over and pour me out."
Writing The Book was my way of tipping myself over and pouring it all out..... I just writing and pouring and writing...... until I was empty. That book is literally soaked with my own tears.... and you know what - I never read it. lol
Seriously. I wrote it. I chose certain friends for certain reasons - and they were all sent various portions or chapters. I asked them to read it and tell me what it needed - was there something not explained? Something I over explained? Etc...... For the most part - the book is, essentially a first draft that was edited and printed.
Done.
I actually hadn't read it until the night of my book signing- and even *I* was caught off-guard by how much pain dripped off the pages and fell right smack into my lap.
Pages..... just dripping with pain and anger and tears......
Carhartt is trying to read The Book - they read The Blog every day..... lol. However, The Book is proving to be a lot of anger and pain for them to try and process..... which leads Carhartt to asking me some of the same questions that Julieanne asks above.
The truth is..... I kind of blocked a lot of that out of my mind..... I had forgotten about the scene outside the hotel with El Capitan and The Boy..... and reading the words above, I was instantly sitting back in the drivers seat of the Mazda 5, starting at El Capitan in disbelief..... and my heart swells with pain.
Instantly.
Just like that..... my little tea-pot self is full to steaming.....
sigh.
F*ck..... of course I worry about what *really* goes on at their place.
Of course I realize that they *WILL* have kids of their own..... El Capitan say's no... but I'm smarter than that. I know that they will get a house and build a whole new family.... and chances are: my kids will be more on the outside looking in than living on the inside......
I f*cking know this...... and it sucks.
I remember vividly my sh*tty birthday AND the year that El Capitan actually *forgot* to get me *anything* for Christmas - AT. ALL. I'm dead serious. I got ONE present: a Snoop Dogg CD. And yes... before you ask, I do love some Snoop... however, a $12 CD wasn't really the present I was expecting under the tree when we'd been married for 7 years. None of this is lost on me.
I have long believed that El Capitan did what he did knowing that I would 'do the right thing'.... that, while I am an *amazing* b*tch..... I always do the right thing. He left... knowing his TV and video games and clothes and general stuff was safe.
He knew I would take care of the children.
He knew I would take care of the paperwork.
He knew I would be fair.
He knew I would sell our home.
He knew I would DO. IT. ALL.
It's a sick irony that the very same *strength* I used to get those things done - to make it through it all dragging two broken and crying children with me to the other side.... is the *very* strength that El Capitan found so emasculating during our marriage.
Sigh.
So, I realize that El Capitan got a pass.
and..... I know that I'm the person who gave it to him.
But what f*cking choice do I have exactly?
How motherf*cking long do I have to live in the shadow of this pain - hiding from life and love and happiness?
After The Book and after Christmas where we didn't see El Capitan for what.... 5 or 6 weeks? Where he didn't show up for Christmas.... that was kind of emotional rock bottom for me.
After that, it was time to strap one on and climb out of that whole and start over.
I had to.
The kids needed me too.
Julieanne - you make some really valid points - and I know that there is a longer email where you share some pretty horrible stories about what happened with your kids.....but, you and I both know that The Court doesn't give a sh*t.
The Court isn't going to make him pick-up his kids and they aren't going to slap his wrists when he doesn't pick them up. Unless he's feeding them hard drugs and alcohol or beating on them.... they aren't going to change anything.
If *I* tell him no.... then I'm the one in legal trouble. I'm the one who pays the price with a Judge if I fail to follow our order.... not him.
Do I worry that we will a return of El Capitan of last summer.... hell yeah.
Do I worry what kind of 'role model' he is....?
Of course.
But. At the same time...... in that place between being angry and staying angry.... and living - I had to move towards living. I had to ...because honestly, it felt like parts of me were dying.
So I moved slowly ... very slowly - towards moving on. Learning not to forgive, but .... let go.
Then I worked on tolerating La Novia.
Then I worked on accepting her.
I don't have any other choice..... and honestly...... perhaps I'm wrong (thought I pray I'm not) - I don't think that La Novia does or say's things to them that are.... 'bad' or 'manipulative'. She seems to do things with them to genuinely connect with them on their level.
Sometimes... we're not bad people: we're just people who make bad choices.
In the mean time, I'm still loving on those two kids as MUCH as I humanly can.... but soon I have to go to work full time. Blogging and Photography do not pay very well, they don't come with medical benefits and retirements and such..... so, I'm trying to enjoy these last few months of not having to work full time before I have too.....
I do tend to try to pain our life, both to myself and to others, in a positive way - because I can either walk down the road of negativity or hope...... As the mother of two children: I have to chose hope.
I have to be willing to trust and try and *hope* that everyone will do the right thing... that the children will remain the forward focus of every adult involved in their life. And..... it's my job to help them develop the emotional tools they will need in their lives to deal with people who let them down.....
In the mean time, The Girl still adores her Dad.... and I refuse to take that away from her. For as long as she can hold onto the idea that her Daddy is a great guy who has done nothing wrong... I'm going to let her hold onto that. If El Capitan's actions take that way eventually: that's on me.
It won't be on me.
And who knows.... may be that won't happen.
I take each day as it comes, I wake up with hope, I try to have trust - I try to have patience and.... even through the weight of my past is there pressing down me - I try to move forward and make choices based on possibilities and potential ..... and hope.
Because, to be honest - the only thing between anger .... and living: is hope. Is the willingness to *have* hope and act in hope and move forward in love.... I'll let you know how that goes. lol
Tonight while I was writing this post, I found out on facebook that one of my senior clients lost their Mom tonight to a very long and painful battle with Cancer. What a way to spend the end of your first year of college - right? :(.............
I don't know if what I'm doing is right or wrong..... I read books, I talk to people. I talk to professional people and other wives and husbands and kids who have lived through this and I try to piece together what's the best plan of action for each and every situation...... but knowing that *this* Mom's journey is over and she leaves behind two kids who's weddings she will miss, who's college graduation she won't be attending - and NOT because their Dad was a cheating ass who 'ruined her life' decades earlier... but because she's dead.
See.... living in anger is the same thing: death.
I want to have hope. I want to live. I want to laugh and love and .... be happy. Because unlike my client's Mom: I CAN. and thank f*ck for that.
Seriously.
I'm still here.... and who knows for how long - right?
Yes... I know that El Capitan did some really sh*tty things.... but you can either be buried by it - or use it as fertilizer and let your flowers grow instead..... no matter what - I'm going to fight to grow. Period.
Yes... it gives "them" a pass..... but more importantly it give *ME* a pass. A pass to be with Carhartt and see where that goes because I'm able to trust (kind of... lololol) - and move forward.... and it gives my kids a pass to have their Dad for *as long* as they can......
It gives us all a pass.... and I'm extremely grateful for that tonight.
Now I'm off to snuggle my babies until they wake up in the morning....
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