But it's true.
Dating with kids is sooooo much different than dating without kids. In the first place - on a good I'm lucky if I can shower, put on my make-up and do my hair.... but usually I can pick just one - I certainly don't have time to do all three. So.... I've been doing my best to *try* and do as many of the above as I can.... but I have to admit that on some days I just pull on my generously cut Old-Navy shirt (the cleanest one of course) - and hope that Carhartt is distracted by the little cleavage I do have and ignores the rest. lol
For the most part: this seems to be working.
At the same time, it's nice to have someone in my life for whom I *want* to try and look nice for.... I've kind of been excited about that.... that and the fact that I'm not well over 60 pounds lighter than I used to be and am now shopping in the regular section of Old Navy.... bring on the $6 t shirts!!!!!! (Mommy Translation: more cheap shirts = a f*ck load less laundry I have to do.)
It's a bit unfair that all Carhartt has to do is pull on some dusty brown Carhartt pants, a t-shirt and I'm alllll kinds of swooning. Although, I pointed out how nice they looked in black (makes those red eyes kind of pop.... you know - gotta' get my Cullen Clan on... hahahaha) - and since then I've seen various types of Carhatt/Hanes/Dickies black shirts making the rotation.
Whatever.... Carhartt looks good in pretty much anything.
Carhartt lives several hours away, so we pretty much only get to see each other on the weekends - and with the kids and whatnot.... they usually come up here: Carhartt and Luke the Dog. It works out pretty well because El Capitan has the kids on Saturday afternoons, The Bubbie and The Papa pull babysitting duty on Saturday night (so we can go out for dinner or dancing and stuff) and then we spend Sunday with the kids together..... but poor Luke the Dog is tired of driving and sleeping on hotel floors.... so Carhartt is looking for work closer to Portland now.
It sounds like a "big step"... which I suppose it kind of is, however.... Portland has more job opportunities AND, I was quick to point out - that when Carhartt tires of me, there are no shortage of eligible ladies to take my place...... to which Carhartt shoots me a dirty look and say's, "Woman, you better stop it with that sh*t."
It's that kind of cute..... of course, it's said in a stern way, but not in a super serious cave-man way either... lol
But honestly..... being a Mom means you have zero privacy on a good day, being a *dating* Mom means you have LESS than zero privacy. There's almost no opportunity for 'stolen' kisses and cuddles in the kitchen without someone's tiny feet peeling out on the linoleum because The Girl 'ran out of Goldfish....'.... or better yet, there *is* a chance for a stolen kiss and just about the time I get used to someone's arms wrapped around my waist ...... we both hear.... "moooommmmeeeeee... I'm doooooneeee....". And the next thing I know I'm leaned over someone's poopy butt on wiping duty.
Dating with kids is waaaaaaay not romantic.
Because everyf*ckingwhere you look there are reminders of *what* is going to happen if you crawl into bed together.... know what I mean?
When you're dating and it's all hot and heavy and romantic and dreamy.... you can *kid* yourself into thinking that life will be this fantastic journey where you have perfect and well-behaved children who go to bed on time and grow up to be healthy adults with good paying jobs (who move out) and you'll grow old together holding hands on a front porch swing.
Date me and the reality is that I have two *very* well-behaved kids, who have amazing comic timing and *sh*tty* romantic timing.... I LIVE with family... no matter *who* marries me down the road they aren't just marrying me - but they are also getting two kids, El Capitan AND La Novia in the mix..... they are getting shared time and pick-ups and drop-offs and child support payments and co-parenting in two households with three people.....
Oh.... and I should be ashamed to admit this.... but the truth of the matter is that a friend bought me that book, "Go The F*ck to Sleep" - because they thought I would find it funny.... which I did: it's hilarious. However.... I have to be honest and admit I've muttered that very phrase more than once at 11pm.... Dating me is more a practice in why safe sex is necessary and less a romantic experience.
In any case: you get the idea.
This is *not* a case where one gets a lot of opportunity to 'dream' of what could be - because it already is.... AND... I can't give Carhartt any more kids.
This is something I struggle with *a LOT*. Carhartt say's it fine that they weren't 'sold' on having any 'biological' kids, but that they like kids and would like to have a family and they are "fine" with that being "my" family and nothing more. I'm not so sure.... babies are kind of magic. I explained this to Carhartt - that babies are magic and YOUR baby is really really magic.... and Carhartt say's that babies are also boring, cry too much and wear diapers.
Carhartt doesn't do diapers.
Good to know. lol
Carhartt say's that The Boy and The Girl are perfect because they are great kids who are well-behaved, who adore Luke the Dog and are the perfect age for camping and fire building and fishing and hiking and looking for night-crawlers......which is 'the dream' for Carhartt.
Even still.... I feel bad.
I think it's just hard to know that decisions you made in your last relationship will affect your current one in a way that you can't change. I hate that.....
Any life with me is going to involve someone else....
Someone else's mistakes
Someone else's children
someone else's opinion about the care of those children
I think it's a lot to ask someone to take all of that... and sometimes, I wonder if it's even fair. The kids always have to come first..... their needs, their wants, their education, their well-being.... their kisses, their cuddles.... and I wonder if the role was reversed, would I be okay with that?
Carhartt tells me that I think too much - may be... may be......
In the mean time, though, I'm just trying to be still, be happy, be grateful that the kids and I have someone in our life who brings us joy and happiness and red roses on Mother's Day..... and who takes the kids for a walk in the rain on Mother's Day because I just needed five minutes to finish cooking. Someone who had to carry The Girl all the way back to the house because she broke down crying and was too tired to walk anymore.... AND - Carhartt didn't complain... instead, they just stood in the kitchen, still a bit damp, holding The Girl while she calmed down.
I think that was the best present I got on Mother's Day... an extra pair of hands to help me, an extra set of arms to carry The Girl... a hand to hold mine.
May be it's just for today.... and tomorrow and the day next... or more... whatever it is: I'm grateful.