In the meantime..... this really pissed me off today.
Actually no, not just today.
Yesterday, on a friends facebook feed, an entry caught my eye where someone's kid had asked the Mom what she wanted to do when she 'grew up'. I, myself thought... good question: because frankly I'm still not entirely sure. lol
This, however, instead sparked a whole feed of women espousing the many virtues of being a 'stay at home' Mom, how it's a "valued" job in and of itself - and one even said, "A stay at home Mom is the center of her home's universe."
Are you fucking with me?
Let me just go ahead - at the risk of pissing off A LOT of people.... and just say this: STAY AT HOME MOMS HAVE IT FUCKING EASY.
oh.... did your day involve running around after your adorable toddler that spit up or shit on every surface of your home, including you? waaaahhhh....
Did you have to control a wiggly child in a grocery cart while shopping from a list you forgot at home and now you can't remember what the hell you need to make dinner - *ensuring* that you'll be running back out to the store later most likely in the middle of what *should be* nap time......? boo-hoo......
And... will you, during that *favorite* time of every Mom's day known as The ACID HOUR - be scrapping crusted cheerios off your coffee table while burning said dinner while you bed and plead for your child to be distracted by Elmo & Co long enough for you to finish folding the laundry before your adorable cherub face angel decides to roll around in it .... aFUCKINGgain.....?
Center of the universe my ass..... I AM THE GODDAMN UNIVERSE.
If *I* don't clean.... it ain't gonna clean itself.
If *I* don't cook.... it's ain't gonna cook itself.
If *I* don't wash it..... it ain't gonna wash itself.
I do all of that.... only - I ALSO try to run a small business and generally just try to keep myself from thinking about jumping off the nearest bridge.... no: really.
Just being honest.......
Only - funny that.... I'm NOT A 'STAY AT HOME MOM'.
No one is there working full time to provide me health insurance.
No one is there bringing home a paycheck to pay my mortgage, buy my food and put gas in my car.
I am sans a gym membership because who the FUCK has time to go anyway......?
I am bereft of Mom's Morning Out and playgroups and playdates and leisurely walks in the park.....
Because I'm ALL OF THOSE THINGS: making my own paycheck, paying my own bills AND doing the cooking, cleaning and the laundry..... and *trying* so desperately to carve out some kind of time in the day to dance in the kitchen, make cookies, make silly faces at one another.... and still get the kids homework done.
and still.... I'm aware that *I* have it easier than other Mom's out there.....
So I was already feeling a little annoyed at the planet and the assumption that Stay At Home Mother's are the center of a home's "universe" blah blah blah... when this stupid blog showed up on my feed from several other friend's walls......
17 Things Boys Need From Their Moms
I read it.... and then I got really annoyed.
No offense to the author who is... unknown. no name. no nothing. just a faceless blog, but some of the "advice" really got under my skin.
I was on-board with the initial set of "things" your son needs.... to be showered with affection, to dance (in the yard, in the car, etc), to be told secrets....
Wait... you said what?
Secrets......? "big or small it doesn't matter"......? TELL YOUR CHILD SECRETS and all you're going to teach them is how to lie and keep secrets.... this seems like a wildly poor plan, if you ask me. "Shh - don't tell your sister you got an extra cookie for doing good on your math test" is one thing.... but I don't really consider that a secret..... But really?.... secrets.... that way when he breaks the neighbors window he'll be a master at shrugging his shoulders and nonchalantly lying. Sounds like a perfect plan.
THIS ONE... almost killed me: "FOR YOU TO MARRY THE KIND OF MAN YOU WANT HIM TO BE"
In the first place, even as a "blogger" who has shite grammar and doesn't always string together her thoughts clearly - the paragraph makes no sense in that one is usually already MARRIED TO/IMPREGNATED BY said "man" who is now 'husband' and 'father'.... seems a bit late NOW to be making sure he's someone you want your son to "model" himself after. Already I'm confused by the idea that *AFTER* you have your son you can suddenly now be making sure that his "father" is the kind of man you want him to grow up to be.
In the first place... no girl meets her "knight in shining armor" and say's to herself: "Well.... I think he's going to become a total douche bag who cheats on me and stops seeing his kid...." but GUESS WHAT????
Sometimes the end of the fairy tale ends just. like. that.
And there's isn't shit you're going to do about it.
And.... then what?
Throw in the towel and drown us all in the nearest bath tub?
oh... and yes, let's accept the fact that I will not ever "be" with a "man" again.... what do I now? How will my son learn to "model" his behavior.....? what kind of "husband" will he be for his future wife?
Well... for one, he's not learned to take the fucking garbage out.
He's also learned to have more fun.... The Boy can be quite serious, which is in stark contrast to Hail Mary who finds the joy and the adventure in literally *anything* - she pulls him out of his shell and gets him to have faith in his abilities to try new things....
He's learned.... for the record, what it's like to have his mother's hand be held by someone other than him.
He's learned what it's like to see his Mom be loved.....
Isn't that kind of important, too?
Moving on.... I'm ok with most of the others and already do most of them.... until we get down to "SEE HIS MOM RESPECT HIS FATHER".....
I respected my 'husband'... he didn't respect me.
Opps.... his bad.
For the mothertrucking *record*: I have shown both La Novia and El Capitan and SHIT TON of respect neither of them is worthy of..... *however* - it goes on to say "If you're not married to his father, show him the way to co-parent peacefully, with respect."
Let's be clear - your kids need to see you respect their parent.... but they also need to see you respect yourself - and not be someone's doormat. RESPECT means having boundaries - for yourself and for them and making sure everyone behaves within those boundaries. When they don't.... you correct that.
The part that got me is.... "Show him the way a wife should treat her husband."
This is *about* as narrow minded as the whole "Stay At Home Moms Are the Center Of their Homes Universe" thing..... how about just modeling what being a good *partner* means.....?
I *DID* that whole "good wife" routine... and it got me a set of moving boxes, a pile of divorce papers and two kids who were now solely my legal responsibility.... NOT what I thought was behind the door labeled "true love/husband/partner/spouse"..... So now what the hell am I supposed to do?????
I can't help but feel like we've become a society that finds it's own personal validation on the boards of Pintrest or buried in the pithy words of some unknown, ?educated by whom? blogger - who dishes out parenting advice and we just lap it up.....
We high five ourselves and pump our fist in the air, tie on an apron, make dinner and kiss our husband when they walk through the door and stand around - pleased with ourselves that we're 'getting it right' and life is.... perfect - and will TURN OUT PERFECT according to some errant stranger on the internet.
What about people who lose a spouse to cancer? or an accident? What about parents who are on military duty????? Are the children of alllll those people destined to not know how to "be husbands" and how to treat their wives......?
Good new for me.... while there isn't a "man" living this house, there is a *human* who participates in this family as a loving partner who takes out the trash, plays a sport (and sets a zillion examples in that alone), is reliable, doesn't lie or cheat, dances in the kitchen, loves the "Mom" of the house, and love the children back.....