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What Took You So Long......?

2/10/2014

6 Comments

 
Sorry.

First of all, I am sorry.  I'm sorry that I didn't follow through on my promise. Sorry that I didn't keep blogging even though hundreds of you still come here every day.  I said I would keep blogging no matter what.... and to be honest, I *miss* it.  It makes me a better person - a better Mom because I tend to hold myself to a higher standard when I'm blogging.... what I mean by that is, well.... it's hard to explain.  It's just that, sometimes I can get lost in my own head in my daily life and when I'm blogging, it helps me hold onto perspective a bit more and not get lost in the pain and upset that still sometimes sweeps in and takes me off my feet leaving me struggling to find ground once again.

So.... I'm sorry.
Sorry if I upset you... disappointed the collective 'you'....
And sorry for me.

All apologies out of the way, there *is* a reason.  It's wasn't just a random thing, or a timing thing... though I am *certainly* very busy.  It wasn't a Hail Mary thing... or an El Capitan thing.... 

To be honest:  it was a *me and you* thing.
Yup.

Right around last Christmas I got an email.... from an IP address not local to me, though I still can't decide it if it was sent by someone I know-know... or a reader.  Either way, it doesn't matter much.  Because I don't know *who* sent it - or their actual intent, I won't publish the email verbatim.... I will share with you the jist of things:

"Dear Elle,
I wanted to ask you why you write about being poor because it doesn't seem like you are very poor to me.  You go to Disneyland and take trips and are always going places with your children, so therefore you can't be poor.  I think it's all a rouse to make us feel sorry for you when you are out living the high life."

It went on.... and it was actually pretty insulting at points - the usual "You used your kids to make money" and on and on it went..... Sigh.

I've been called a lot of things.... told I was "too fat to fuck" and that I was "so ugly no man would ever want me"... been called a "dirty lesbian" and told I'm "going to hell".... which is all fine and well, because with the exception of only believing I won't go to hell - truth be told, I'm not sure *anyone* on this planet should be 100% sure they're NOT going..... everything else most of people say or write about me usually isn't true.

However  of all things I am or am not..... I have *always* come to *THIS* place, as I do all other places in my life, and been honest.  I have been brutally, BRU.TALL.Y. honest.

I have been no holds barred....
I have slit open the wrists of my own pain and bled words onto this keyboard... with total abandon.
I never set out to 'craft' any particular message or theme....
I never took the "ads" contracts- selling out the honest and bare emotion so many of you share...
I didn't turn all "Single Dad Laughing" on you.....

I sat down, night after night, and shared whatever was going on - the good, the bad and the truly ugly.
You asked for nothing more... and I asked for nothing in return.
NO.THING.  Nada. Zip. Zilch.

So..... this, amidst allllllll the other nasty emails I have gotten..... *this* one hurt me the most because after all this time - without taking *ANY* more TV shows or interviews.... to say that I have been coming here - writing all these words and thoughts and feelings and *sharing* the innermost part of my own life and very being - to reduce it to being about 'selling out my children' for money - and insinuate that I "make tons of money" and "live the high life" pretending I'm something I'm not......
Sigh.

It's a line too fucking far.
Just being honest.
So for a while.... I didn't want to blog, because I wasn't sure what to say.

So.  Let's get down to brass tax.... shall we?

Several of my friends thought someone would "save" my house for me....
Or that someone would come along and buy me and the kids a newer/nicer one:  that obviously didn't happen.
People thought that a bunch of rich people would see me and donate money to me:  *that* didn't happen.
I didn't/don't get paid to blog.
I NEVER made a single dime off the sign - the kids and I got three days in New York, that is all.
I NEVER sold a single interview or 'appearance'. 
EVERYTHING I DID, I DID FOR FREE.

I spent the *little* bit of savings I had in roughly 9 months of keeping my COBRA insurance coverage... just under $10,000..... just.... gone.  

The children and I survive well below what is considered the 'poverty line'.... and yes, I still manage to pull off a decent Christmas and outings and such.... and here's how:

I never pay more than $5 for a t-shirt for myself, so I get them on sale at Old Navy.
(OK, WHEN I was doing interviews, I DID buy some nicer clothes to be on TV... fyi).
I *only* buy my jeans at Walmart - they are $15.88 and I buy only one pair at a time.
My "treat" to myself is a new hoodie if we go somewhere fun - Disneyland, Great Wolf Lodge, etc.
Then I wear those hoodie's instead of coats:  because I don't own one.
I *do* have a pair of UGGS, a gift from my brother and his wife.
I *had* a BOB Revolution stroller, bought for me by a friend in trade for a years worth of photos.... and then instead of selling that BOB for $300, I gave it to my brother when he had a baby.... because I knew a luxury stroller like that wasn't in their budget either and it REALLY is worth it. lolol... 

I don't buy fancy face products, or shampoo.
I don't own a closet full of fancy work out clothes and $200 running shoes and hats, whatnot....
I have a pair of yoga pants with a whole in the crotch to sleep in.
Oh... and my bra's?  I buy the two for twenty stretchy kind (the ones you see on TV) from WalMart.

The kids..... well, THEY get as much "cool" and relevant clothing that I can afford to get them.  I watch sales like a hawk - anything superhero related - I'll buy it one size too big (at least) and put it away if I have to.  If Crazy 8's or Gymboree have a sale - I buy fancy shirts in sizes one or two or three sizes too big and put them away for The Boy - usually you can get $20 for $4.99 or less!!!! as long as you don't care that they aren't the "current style" by the time it fits them.....

I didn't *used* to buy them winter coats, but after The Boy spent the first few months of Kindergarten without a coat and the teacher sent home a note saying he needed one and I had to spend three days digging through Goodwill's to find a good one to fit him for $6.99.... I was SMART enough to watch for the end of season Costco sale that year and buy a winter cost for each kid:  they are BOTH still wearing them even this year.  I can probably get one more year out of The Girl's coat and this is the last year for The Boy's.. .it's too short in the arms. (Not bad for three years of wear out of two $19.99 coats).

I buy them the cute "fancy" superhero underwear - and mostly because I stumbled on a deal for $1.14 a pair of pants for The Boy and bought every single one they had! lol... 

Their pajama's....?  AT LEAST three sizes too big so they can wear them for years.... and they have.
Their shoes?  The VANS outlet - never paid more than $20 for a pair and always during the buy one get one half off sale... so that's TWO pairs for $30 or less. 

Cleaning supplies..... Dollar Store.
Deodorant... Dollar Store.
Hair brushes/clips/bands... Dollar Store.
Holiday Decor.... Dollar Store. (except Halloween)
Office Supplies... Dollar Store.
MY School supplies.... Dollar Store.
Shampoo.... Dollar Store.
Tooth brushes/paste.... Dollar Store.
Soap... Dollar Store.
MY Sox.... Dollar Store.
plates/cups for kids.... Dollar Store.
Toilet Paper.... Dollar Store.
My Sunglasses.... Dollar Store.

You see every month, I go into the Dollar Store with a $30 budget and buy everything we need for the month.  The only thing I *can't* buy there is my female hygiene products and saline solution for my contacts.

No one came along and "gave" me much of anything.... and I never expected them too.  

We "have" whatever we have.... because as a Mom I go *without* as much as I can - and I cut AS MANY corners as I can.  I've gotten REALLY GOOD at finding A.MAZ.ING deals at Ross and Goodwill - I know where and when to look.... and so YES, thankfully, if someone didn't know HOW much work goes into it all.... it might LOOK like we "live high on the hog".... which is fine.  I don't really want any of The Boy's friend's at school knowing that his Mom is one minor/major accident and one "pay check" away from being totally homeless..... that's probably a stigma he doesn't need. 

Though, I'd be foolish to assume I'm the only parent in his class in a similar economic situation.

The reality is.... *I* didn't make what I call.... 'good life choices'.
I didn't finish my four year.... I stopped after two so that El Capitan could go to college.
I didn't invest the money I made in ME or a potential "me future"... I put it into the house and the family because, like many women I put allll my financial "eggs" in my husbands basket... and we all know where that basket is now... lololol.

I did those things.  
ME.

So, I try my fucking *hardest* to get my kids to Disneyland as OFTEN as I can because it is very apparent to me that I *will* be working well into my 70s just to get by.... I don't have a retirement account or a 401K or a house to call my own..... and a few thousands dollars I can scrape together by selling things off and saving money to give my kids a trip to The House of The Mouse so that THEY don't have to miss out.... well, it's hardly the worst thing in the world.

But... life is different than it once was... .just the other night, I was putting The Boy to bed and he said, "Mom... I miss the blue house and our old life.... because we had more blankets back then that were bigger."
So.... he knows the difference, Disney trips aside... The Boy knows times are different for us all.

We're not poor..... we're not.
We have roof and food and friends and family and people who love us.... and you have NO IDEA how much The Bubbie and The Papa have helped us.... but our life *is* different now and to suggest that I 'use the kids' to make "all this money".... just pisses me off.

Really. 

I don't shop at Nordstroms.  I don't stop at my Macy's.  I don't own "designer" clothes or 'fancy' things.... I'm really too busy trying to figure out how to pay for books next semester (holy SHIT what a racket!!!! lolol) and keep myself in college and The Girl in preschool.... and *try*... TRY to figure out how to pay for skateboarding lessons for The Boy and dance lessons for The Girl because they ask allllll the time.... so now I have to figure out how to cut more corners to make it happens......

Tuna sandwiches everyday.... 
I cut out soda... which is HUGE for me.  No more Diet Coke.
Dinners that can be lunches and then breakfast if need be.
Cereal in the industrial sized bags from WinCo.....

Oh... DO NOT EVEN GET ME STARTED.... on how *fucking* depressing it is to read all these facebook posts about how "good Mom's" only feed their kids "in season" and "organic" fruits and veggie's, or how now you can't eat Mac & Cheese because it's made with 'wood pulp' and how everything HAS to be organic... on and on and on it goes.... and it always makes me feel like shit because there's no way on EARTH I can afford that.

The Girl LOVES apples... so I cut her one in the morning, cover it in pectin (which is what you use in canning so that your fruits don't go bad) - and that way the apples don't turn brown during the day and she'll keep eating them... otherwise, you know kids and brown apples... lololol.

THAT ... THAT is how I "afford" things.... 

And, before anyone sends me an email telling me that I wrote this to 'make people feel sorry' for me or whatever..... TRUST ME, I didn't.

I almost wanted to never write another post again - than to be this honest about my life - because who the fuck wants to admit this level of utter adult failure.....?
No one.

But.... while I failed at keeping my promise to blog daily.... I haven't failed at my promise to be honest.
THIS.... is what being a single Mom looks like when you don't make 'good life choices' in your younger years.
THIS is what divorce looks like for A LOT of men and women out there... not just me.
THIS is what getting by on *very* little looks like..... for thousands of people, not just me.

So now you know.

And one more thing..... I don't begrudge the "Scott Dysicks" of the world who HAVE money - they made different life choices.... so good for them.  Seriously.  Good for them..... I only hope they appreciate it.
Because, even if the total sum of everything I'm wearing is worth less than $30 (except my slip on Chucks with the whole in the sole... seriously) - well, that's ok because everything else in my life is worth so much more.
The Kids.
Hail Mary.
The second chance to go to college.
My friends who have stood by me relentlessly over the years.
My family....The Bubbie and The Papa.

When you add it all up.... may be "you" are right..... I *AM* living pretty well, at least by my own standards.


6 Comments
Melissa
2/11/2014 12:28:47 am

Elle, I was glad to see there was a post from you. First, I'm sorry someone sent you that e-mail. Please know that one person (idiot) DOES NOT speak for the masses! You didn't even need to reply to it--it gave it a bit of power to do so--but the reply you sent speaks volumes.

No one should judge the choices made by someone else. If someone has $100, they are free to budget that $100 on whatever they feel their families needs. Another person looking in from the outside has no right to decide what that family needs.

With that said...what your son said really struck me. I know you always pay so much attention to the kids, Elle, but please REALLY LISTEN to what he said. He misses the old house and the larger blankets. The larger blankets. So...yes, he may love a "treat" of a trip to Disney...but I hear him saying what he really wants more of is the simple things. Bigger blankets. So where you said you'd give up a 401(k), saving for a home, etc., to splurge to take them to Disney several times...instead, maybe think about getting some larger blankets. And ask him what other 'simple things' he might want, if you can get them.

I know you don't have a lot of time...but if you did, you could save a lot of money by getting a lot of items you pay for free. Couponing and super couponing (and stockpiling some items like toiletries, etc.) makes a huge difference for a lot of people. Keep that in mind should you ever get some free time. (ha, ha, I know...) There a few really good resources I could recommend on how to get started.

As for never getting paid to blog...I was glad to give you a monthly donation for a while, and hope others did, too. My credit card expiration date changed back then and I could never figure out how to update the subscription again in PayPal, so that went by the wayside. But I hope, maybe, some others still send a gift every so often.

Hang in there!

Reply
Bonnie Kay
2/12/2014 12:42:22 am

I am brand new to your site-and this was the first post I read. I can't say strongly enough-you are sufficient to yourself. You don't need to justify. You don't need to explain. I am sorry you were pushed to that point. I hope your post was cathartic. Now let it be. Always remember, for every hater that posts, there are hundreds that read and enjoy your words, who will never sit down and write a review. Not because they don't enjoy it but because they just don't post.

You are an awesome, self-reliant Mom and person. This country would be much better with more people who accept responsibility for their own lives and choices. Count me among those who are out there enjoying and supporting you without trying to insert themselves into your story. Keep sharing. There are many, many more people being inspired and entertained by your posts. Don't stop. -A New Fan

Reply
Krista Cope
2/12/2014 02:02:15 am

Atta Girl! I admire you. Ignore the haters, or simply let them be your motivators.

Reply
fenix
2/12/2014 03:20:12 am

been right there with you - right now I'm doing a little bit better and if I would be careful like I used to be (like you are right now) we would probably be a whole lot better off but I got to this place right now where I can take a break from cutting corners 24/7 but believe me I know and I know you wish you were in that place too and it does SUCK terribly but just like you said I am thankful for what I do have

and you can't let people like that get to you - the truth is there are way more haters in the world than motivators - people for some reason always want to throw rocks at things that shine and you my dear shine

Reply
Emma
2/12/2014 05:45:01 am

Elle- I love reading your blog. To be honest though- sometimes it was tedious reading the endless explanations and justifications for purchasing things. A few times I have wondered why you felt the need to explain how you got a good deal on such and such or explain that an item was on sale AND you had a coupon AND you went on parent with 2 kids and a camera day and therefore got an extra 5% off. (ok maybe that didn't happen but that should be a legit discount lol). Now I get it- some jerk sent an email questioning you. I can see how you would wonder how every single thing would be taken. Well, stop it! It's nobody else's business. I'm sure my friends on fb would think I make more than I do- because i'm not posint pictures of my kids eating kaft dinner. I'm not posting pictures of me visiting the food bank. But I sure did post pictures when a relative took my family on a cruise (wow!!!). It's amazing what you can get for little $ if you know when to shop. My kids are always better dressed than I am- and it isn't always about brand name- I'd rather buy something of good quality on super sale, that I can pass down through all of my kids or at least get a few years out of than a few dollars on something that will need to be replaced many times. It's amazing how much waste that creates.
Anyway- I think most people "get" where you are financially. You've never claimed to be living under a bridge. You initially moved in with family- what many people would have to do in this situation . I think you should just stop worrying what anyone might think if you post a pic of your son in a brand name shirt or talk about going to an event that may have cost - gasp!- money. You are super thrifty and also barter and trade. That's great. So let us know if you have a tip- or to give yourself a pat on the back for getting an amazing deal- but don't feel you have to justify anything.

Reply
katia link
2/12/2014 01:43:18 pm

I saw your story for the 1st time yesterday on TV so I was curious to see your blog AND AM SHOCKED THAT YOU ARE TELLING THESE MORONS EVERY PENNY YOU SPEND ON YOURSELF & YOUR FAMILY! It's none of their damn business bunch of losers!! I own my own business and take care of my parents(which is like having kids)I had to borrow $$ from some judgmental older folks who have millions & a lot of time on their hands,when my 82 year old father played golf they made a comment,oh guess he can afford to play but not pay me back everything yet,it makes me sick I have now proud to say I have paid all our so called "friends"off and I think its disgusting they judged us when they have NO IDEA what does on in my life,so you tell the haters to go -uck themselves! Loved your story I look forward to reading your blog!!

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    Elle Zober

    Mother, "scorned wife", photographer, designer,  potential blog writer and recent guest on The View.... life's been pretty crazy as of late - crazybeautiful that is!
    You can see some of Elle's photography at:
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    El Capitan not only KNEW about and approved the signs, he helped pay for them.  :)
    The children have NOT seen the signs and will NOT see the signs.  PERIOD.
    This SITE and the SIGN were made to SELL OUR HOME.... what else this *might* be turning into is unclear, but the original intent was bereft of revenge or malice and was truly to sell our home.
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Scorned, slighty bitter but still, grateful and very happy... life is good.
PS.... you *WILL find errors in grammar, spelling and otherwise... I am just a Mom - now a 'single Mom' who
writes The Blog from a place of honesty \and usually in the dark at 1:00am.... so please be understanding. cheers. :)