To that end..... when someone calls me out as dis-honest, I will explain because honesty is important to me. I would be *livid* pissed if I had a friend - in person or online or someone I followed in a blog or in their movie career - who lead me to believe a certain set of personal truths, only to find out I was 'duped' and it was all a lie or a huge exaggeration.
Why.....? Because I already lived that.....
yes, I love you.
No, nothing's wrong.
Yes, everything is fine.... so on and so forth.
But... it *wasn't* fine.
I think, to be totally honest, that *that* might be one of the reasons my marriage failed. El Capitan would be the first to tell you I'm honest to a fault. I don't do drugs, I don't drink - I would NEVER EVER Drink and drive. I try *really* hard never to break 'life's rules' - mostly because I don't think you should.
Generally speaking, in society, there are a set of people who have been there, done that, paid the price, got the t-shirt and decided to save me the trouble of doing it to myself.... so they make rules and I - generally follow them. Do I follow them blindly? Fuck no. But, usually, if there's rule, there's a reason.
I live.... as much as I can anyway... in a black and white world. I try not to make too many excuses for myself.... my weight is what it is because I don't make time for myself, I don't go to the gym and I eat too many donuts. I don't have some elaborate story about my thyroid or some back injury or whatever.... there's no mystery to my size.
In fact, for the most part, I hate 'mystery'. I don't eat food that I can't readily identify. I don't drink things I didn't order and pay for.... definitely don't want any mystery there. Even when before I came out to my family, I spent months researching the historical stories of lesbians and their social history, and what it all meant: I didn't want a ton of mystery.... well - may be the 'good kind'. lolol :)
I think that's part of why I've struggled with El Capitan in the last few months.... there's just way too fucking much mystery..... which usually equates to misery for me and the kids.
And anger..... lots of anger for me.
I felt so *proud* of putting myself and my 'forgiveness' out there (that's 'air quoted' not in sarcasm, but meant to define all that I offered La Novia back there - one word to define all of it) - and .... I get left out in the rain: figuratively and literally... over and over.
It really pisses me off.
A few weeks ago, after another long spell of not really seeing the kids regularly and we had already had plans to be in El Capitan's area visiting friends (this is a long standing Friday afternoon event that goes back almost four years now.... so this is nothing "new") and as such I planned to drop the kids off at his place when we were done with our visit.
Then he called.... it got all complicated and he got mad insinuating that he had made "all these plans" borrowing people's cars and whatever to get up to our place (45 minutes away in no traffic) - in 30 minutes on a Friday night. That's a two hour drive on average.... not 30 minutes.
Needless to say - the stories didn't add up and I was like... 'does it matter? I'm here - saving you the drive - as I already TOLD You- as I have been MANY FRIDAYS this year - so I'll drop them off.....'.
Then it was.... "Oh, I need to go the grocery story -can you drop them off to me there?"
Then it was.... "Oh, I'm already in the Church parking lot by [our friend's] house - can you meet me here?"
Sure... in the dark and in the rain.....?
Sure... why not.
We got there and everyone said hello.... but El Capitan's crossed arms and general demeanor indicated that something more was on the plate so Hail Mary took the kids for a walk and I started off by saying, in a plain and simple tone: "when you make me meet you in a parking lot, it feels to me like you're keeping me away from dropping the kids off at your place - and I don't think I've done anything that means I'm not welcome to drop the kids off there."
I mean.... fuck. I practially wrote La Novia a novel on how to be sucessful with the kids... welcomed her with open arms... and yet NOW I'm reduced to dropping my kids off in dark Church parking lots?
WHY? I DID NOTHING WRONG.
So then he got super mad and was yelling stuff at me.... but it's 'personal' stuff, stuff that if he's not lying, is deep, dark issue's he's handling and it's not fair to him to blog them... but the gist of it all was that he needed me to meet him in that parking lot because:
a) it's "awkward" for him to 'wait around with his girlfriend' for his 'ex-wife' to drop off the kids.
AND.... and this park is fucking epic..... and I quote it for you: "You [Elle] don't have a right to put me in awkward situations."
Yes... yes... you read that right. *I* don't have "the right" to put El Capitan in "awkward situations."
So I guess it's a good thing that I DIDN'T DO THAT... huh? lol
Like... seriously - what *does* he think... what did SHE think was going to happen???? That he would have this totally separate life and the past and the present would never ever have to live in the same place together????
Impossible... I refuse to believe anyone is that stupid.
and b) that he [El Capitan] wanted me to meet him in that parking lot so that he has "more control" over his life and (essentially) makes more of his own decisions.
I don't really see or talk to him all that much... and other than being at HIS beck and call for WHEN he see's his kids.... by that I mean that HE takes them when HE wants to. When he isn't working and has the weekend/night free - HE see's them. I make no demands on his time.
I don't control WHEN he see's them... I don't control for HOW LONG. I don't even control the drop off and pick up - but seeing as how he's without a car... and I live 45 minutes away... I just *assumed* I would at least be dropping them off.....
But that's not me 'being nice' - that's me 'being controlling'.
And... before one of you writes me - it actually STATES in our divorce that the children are dropped off or picked up at one of the parent's homes - for the VERY REASON that I never wanted them shuffled between cars in parking lot in the rain like bags on a bus..... just moving along.
So I'm not really in 'control' of anything..... which I find ironic that two years ago he got into *her* bed because he didn't feel like he was 'in control' and I 'mothered him too much' and blah blah blah.... and now I'm hearing similar talk...... someone better start checking those text messages. lol
Anyway...... so I TRIED to really hear him out, tried to be compassionate to his situation, to his feelings.... because that's what best for the kids. Working things out - hearing him out.... and I was *almost* ready to believe that this really wasn't about La Novia NOT wanting me to drop my kids off at her place.... and how this was really about him and what he needs.....
Until: The My Little Pony backpack.
Our friends live in the area - but about 10 miles to the South. Hail Mary and I were heading about 15 miles north to have dinner with J.... and on our way - and closer to where La Novia and El Capitan actually do live - I notice The Girl's My Little Pony backpack in the back seat - all packed with the toys she was taking to her Dad's house.
He said they were just running to the grocery store and heading back, so I decided to just stop over and drop the bag on his porch. It's a very sheltered area with a full hallway and open doorway - so the backpack would be safe and dry......
But as I pull up to run the bag to the door step.... I notice La Novia's car parked right outside.... and I can see lights on in the apartment.....
Hail Mary said nothing... she knew what it meant and she could see I was hurt.
I didn't get out of the car, instead, I just backed up and drove on to dinner with J.
The next day, La Novia was home - and made a huge production of telling THe Boy that *this* was her *only* Saturday off and that she was spending it with THEM.... (first time in the least 7 months they've really seen her at all according to either kid) - and even The Boy, when telling me this - was teeling it to me confused about it... because Hail Mary and I spend alllll our days with them, so he wasn't clear on why La Novia felt like she was "choosing" - and I couldn't really figure out how to explain it back.... and thankfully he just moved on from it like a typical 9 year old.....
But, La Novia was home and El Capitan and I got into the first proper 'fight' we've had in a very very very long time... and I knew when she was in the room because his language would change and his demeanor would change and that drove me nuts.... he started talking about going to the DOJ and lowering child support and changing parenting orders..... meanwhile dodging the question about why it is that *I* can't drop my children off at their Dad's place and how RUDE that is.....
Instead he say's nasty stuff about how "this" [the fighting] is the real reason we're not married anymore... which - isn't true, but that's a two year old dead issue - so I was angry and he was angry and then he threw me into utter oblivion when he said this little gem:
"Explain to me how it is I fucked up your life.....?" said El Capitan to me.
Yes.... he said it.
And I just stood in my storage unit - the one filled with the packed up toys and the memories and the wedding china and my whole entire ten years of wedding bliss.... packed floor to ceiling in a 25x20 storage unit - standing there because I either have to move, donate or sell it's ENTIRE CONTENTS by the end of February because I can't afford the fee's anymore....and El Capitan wants to know "how" he "fucked up" my life????
He was talking 'paperwork' and court papers and this and that..... he's gets all 'legal talky' when La Novia is around.... so I stopped him and said, "Yup, you're right, we should be doing this by the book, and in light of that, your time with the kids is up. You have had the number of nights/hours you were supposed to have them... so I'll pick them up at 5pm."
So I picked up them a day early. PLEASE.... know that he had had them "more" than our parenting plan stated, but to my mind, if he has the time and wants to see them, I'm ok with that because it's in the best interest of what the kids want, or at least I assume it is.
But that day... tired of 'mystery' and veiled threats and changing tones every time your girlfriend walks in the room... the one who doesn't spend time with them, doesn't actively 'co-parent' them.... I was just done and felt I needed to prove a point. Not the 'point' that I have some kind of 'power' but the point that if we want to start digging out paperwork and changing things and "live by it" to benefit someone else... then I can do the same thing.
He was stunned.
So was the Bubbie... actually. lol
And at 5 pm, without incident or unkind word or look...I drove up, picked up my kids - who were happy and blissfully unaware that they were leaving "early" - and back to Bubbie's we went.
I can't ever decide when I'm being.... too nice? too mean? I don't know.... going on to get along makes it easier for everyone and less stress on the kids... but at the same time - I've been doing that FOR TWO YEARS - and I've offered and olive branch of total acceptance and support to someone who sucked her way into my family like a shopvac: industrial strength.
So. Yes. I pulled rank. For the first time ever. I pulled rank.
I'm tired of mystery...... I'm tired of being treated like *I* am/was/will be a problem - because how you treat ME is how you are also treating my children..... and at some point I'm done. If you want to suddenly play by the book, so to speak, then allow me to do that same.
I didn't want it this way.... I wanted that great situation where we all work to get along and let bygones by bygones and smile and wave at the kids from the same side of the soccer field..... I hate the mystery of not knowing what's really going on - or if whatever conversation we're having about our "feelings" is really just a not-so-cleverly-masked way of keeping me from dropping my kids off at your place.....
So that..... that's what you missed. lol
But... did you *really* miss it? lololololol