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So, first of all... man: I am busting my *a$$* at the gym.... and it's not 'breaking down' nearly as quickly as I would hope.
sigh
It's gotten to the point where 10 miles on the bike is my *slow* day. So I have a * wonderful* friend Erin (who, I think we might be hearing more from/about in the near future....) and she challenged me on Wednesday to 11 miles.
So I did 13.25. So Erin upped it to 17.... but added "don't try for that right away".
I went back and did 17.5 on Thursday.
Friday was my 'down' day - and I logged 10 miles easy breezy.
Saturday El Capitan has the kids for the afternoon, he arrived and said that it's "too expensive to have them until after dinner time - so he would have them back by 4 or 5.
It's *awesome* for me that the chidlren are freaking' *free* the other 6.5 days out of the week....
sigh.
lol.
So I had him pick up the kids at the gym and now..... *NOW* - I can get my game on. When I have the kids at the gym, I can only work out (w/time to shower) in 2 hours. Knowing that I have four hours at the gym means I can work out for however long I want and then have time for the hot tub AND a shower.
At this point: it's as *close* to a hot date as I'm going to get! lolol
I started up Eclipse and finished it - then I started up Breaking Dawn. I hit the *FIRST* 11 miles, then I took a break, stretched, got more water and THEN - I did another 11 miles.....
My total for SATURDAY: 22 MILES. :)
Woof*ckingHoo. BooYah.... and all that.
While I was working out, I noticed a girl who I have chatted to before (because remember - I'm *that* girl at the gym... lolol) and I watched as she did her cardio - then she lifted for an hour - and then by the time I got down to the locker room she was just blow drying her hair.
"Holy sh*t....." she stated (BTW, she has great tatoo's - and we're *clearly* goning to be good friends. haha) - "Are you JUST finishing up your ride now......? How long did you go?"
Me, of course, i'm *beaming* that someone noticed how long I was working out - and I reply, "22 miles today!"
"Dude... you are STRONG!" she exclaims.
Then she puts down the hair dryer and starts grilling me on intensity and how I need to start lifting - and she offers to help me out by showing me the machines and stuff.... *see* how nice people at the gym are if you're willing to be friendly and smile!
awesome.
Overall though... she's right: I am strong.
I'm not sure how many of my friends - regardless of size - could hope on a bike and go 22 miles in under 90 minutes at a level of 10 - which isn't super hard - but surely isn't easy..... :)
Then I came home to an email. It was from a guy who - not previously mentioned on the blog - who I'd been talking to off and on, nothing serious... but talking.
Talking - I thought - with the intent of seeing what might come of it... the usual thing.
Anyhow - things were going along and then I get an email from let's call him: Email Guy - who tells me that he thinks we're "moving too fast" and that I'm "not ready" for anything right now because it's too soon for me to get "hurt again".
Wow... so, so, sooooo many things to address here.
In the first place..... if chatting for months and never ONCE having bought my a$$ dinner means we're "moving too fast"... I don't even know what to say on that. The last time I checked I wasn't wearing a burka or a nuns habit.... I mean - seriously. Not fast.
Not fast enough for me - that's for damn sure. hahahaha
Second, .... huh? I'm 'not ready'? Well, okay if *you* say so - person who has yet to spend enough time in my actual presence to purchase me a meal. Are you kidding me? *I* didn't get to decide when my marriage was over - that is a true statement. However... I can sure as sh*t assure you (Email Guy) - that *I* get to decide who and *what * am, or am not - ready for .....
Me.
Not you.
Or Anyone Else.
There's no timeline for this.... there's no hard and fast rules on when and how ones heart recovers from any kind of devastation There are suggestions: and I can assure you that I've read every single one. There are books filled with advice... and I have read every single one. I have spent a looooong time dealing with my won pain, processing it, moving through it: some says just wallowing in it.
However, each day dawns - and it's a new one. Day after day - the pain lessens and you find yourself surfacing - less hurt, less upset.... more: you again. At least that's how it's been for me.
And yes.. I met someone - "Coffee Guy" - who I wasn't looking for... wasn't 'seeking' - and I actually surprised that I felt.... safe. It caught me off guard - took me by surprise - and it wasn't something I was trying to have. I wasn't looking for it - hoping for it... but there is was: I felt safe.
So, it didn't work out with Coffee Guy... that's cool. Sometimes in life, people come along and serve different purposes. You think their role might be one thing - only to discover it was another. For Coffee Guy, I think he came along to .... 'wake me up'.
Meeting him, getting to know him - all added up to me realizing that finding someone else *might* be something I want to do... it might be something I don't want to leave 'off the table'.
That's all.
I'm not putting my eggs in *anyone's* basket but my own.... BUT - that feeling of safety was wonderful and I realized that I wasn't afraid of it - of him... of possibility.
That was a HUGE moment of personal discovery for me.
So. BASED on that - based on my own personal intuition: I have to assume I am ready.
Ready for new things, new people, new experiences... and I'm looking forward to that.
No man.. .in person, on email or otherwise, is going to tell me different.
Sorry dude, no bueno.
Finally..... here is what I know:
Once you have had your heart ripped out, pulled apart, and destroyed.
Once you have had alllll your dreams stripped from the fabric of your life and burned in front of you.
Once you have had someone pull the pin on the grenade that causes you an emotional nuclear explosion.
Well... everything after that: is just a firecracker.
No man... not you - Email Guy - not Coffee Guy... well, frankly - Not Any Guy - is *ever* going to hurt me the way I have already been hurt. Sorry but after everything I've been through the most 'damage' anyone else is every going to do to me is going to amount to a firecracker.
Period.
So..... take me or leave me.... I've been left before - lololol..... but know this:
You Sir, Are a Firecracker.
lololol
As my new friend at the gym wisely noted.... I am strong.
I plan to stay that way. :)
sigh
It's gotten to the point where 10 miles on the bike is my *slow* day. So I have a * wonderful* friend Erin (who, I think we might be hearing more from/about in the near future....) and she challenged me on Wednesday to 11 miles.
So I did 13.25. So Erin upped it to 17.... but added "don't try for that right away".
I went back and did 17.5 on Thursday.
Friday was my 'down' day - and I logged 10 miles easy breezy.
Saturday El Capitan has the kids for the afternoon, he arrived and said that it's "too expensive to have them until after dinner time - so he would have them back by 4 or 5.
It's *awesome* for me that the chidlren are freaking' *free* the other 6.5 days out of the week....
sigh.
lol.
So I had him pick up the kids at the gym and now..... *NOW* - I can get my game on. When I have the kids at the gym, I can only work out (w/time to shower) in 2 hours. Knowing that I have four hours at the gym means I can work out for however long I want and then have time for the hot tub AND a shower.
At this point: it's as *close* to a hot date as I'm going to get! lolol
I started up Eclipse and finished it - then I started up Breaking Dawn. I hit the *FIRST* 11 miles, then I took a break, stretched, got more water and THEN - I did another 11 miles.....
My total for SATURDAY: 22 MILES. :)
Woof*ckingHoo. BooYah.... and all that.
While I was working out, I noticed a girl who I have chatted to before (because remember - I'm *that* girl at the gym... lolol) and I watched as she did her cardio - then she lifted for an hour - and then by the time I got down to the locker room she was just blow drying her hair.
"Holy sh*t....." she stated (BTW, she has great tatoo's - and we're *clearly* goning to be good friends. haha) - "Are you JUST finishing up your ride now......? How long did you go?"
Me, of course, i'm *beaming* that someone noticed how long I was working out - and I reply, "22 miles today!"
"Dude... you are STRONG!" she exclaims.
Then she puts down the hair dryer and starts grilling me on intensity and how I need to start lifting - and she offers to help me out by showing me the machines and stuff.... *see* how nice people at the gym are if you're willing to be friendly and smile!
awesome.
Overall though... she's right: I am strong.
I'm not sure how many of my friends - regardless of size - could hope on a bike and go 22 miles in under 90 minutes at a level of 10 - which isn't super hard - but surely isn't easy..... :)
Then I came home to an email. It was from a guy who - not previously mentioned on the blog - who I'd been talking to off and on, nothing serious... but talking.
Talking - I thought - with the intent of seeing what might come of it... the usual thing.
Anyhow - things were going along and then I get an email from let's call him: Email Guy - who tells me that he thinks we're "moving too fast" and that I'm "not ready" for anything right now because it's too soon for me to get "hurt again".
Wow... so, so, sooooo many things to address here.
In the first place..... if chatting for months and never ONCE having bought my a$$ dinner means we're "moving too fast"... I don't even know what to say on that. The last time I checked I wasn't wearing a burka or a nuns habit.... I mean - seriously. Not fast.
Not fast enough for me - that's for damn sure. hahahaha
Second, .... huh? I'm 'not ready'? Well, okay if *you* say so - person who has yet to spend enough time in my actual presence to purchase me a meal. Are you kidding me? *I* didn't get to decide when my marriage was over - that is a true statement. However... I can sure as sh*t assure you (Email Guy) - that *I* get to decide who and *what * am, or am not - ready for .....
Me.
Not you.
Or Anyone Else.
There's no timeline for this.... there's no hard and fast rules on when and how ones heart recovers from any kind of devastation There are suggestions: and I can assure you that I've read every single one. There are books filled with advice... and I have read every single one. I have spent a looooong time dealing with my won pain, processing it, moving through it: some says just wallowing in it.
However, each day dawns - and it's a new one. Day after day - the pain lessens and you find yourself surfacing - less hurt, less upset.... more: you again. At least that's how it's been for me.
And yes.. I met someone - "Coffee Guy" - who I wasn't looking for... wasn't 'seeking' - and I actually surprised that I felt.... safe. It caught me off guard - took me by surprise - and it wasn't something I was trying to have. I wasn't looking for it - hoping for it... but there is was: I felt safe.
So, it didn't work out with Coffee Guy... that's cool. Sometimes in life, people come along and serve different purposes. You think their role might be one thing - only to discover it was another. For Coffee Guy, I think he came along to .... 'wake me up'.
Meeting him, getting to know him - all added up to me realizing that finding someone else *might* be something I want to do... it might be something I don't want to leave 'off the table'.
That's all.
I'm not putting my eggs in *anyone's* basket but my own.... BUT - that feeling of safety was wonderful and I realized that I wasn't afraid of it - of him... of possibility.
That was a HUGE moment of personal discovery for me.
So. BASED on that - based on my own personal intuition: I have to assume I am ready.
Ready for new things, new people, new experiences... and I'm looking forward to that.
No man.. .in person, on email or otherwise, is going to tell me different.
Sorry dude, no bueno.
Finally..... here is what I know:
Once you have had your heart ripped out, pulled apart, and destroyed.
Once you have had alllll your dreams stripped from the fabric of your life and burned in front of you.
Once you have had someone pull the pin on the grenade that causes you an emotional nuclear explosion.
Well... everything after that: is just a firecracker.
No man... not you - Email Guy - not Coffee Guy... well, frankly - Not Any Guy - is *ever* going to hurt me the way I have already been hurt. Sorry but after everything I've been through the most 'damage' anyone else is every going to do to me is going to amount to a firecracker.
Period.
So..... take me or leave me.... I've been left before - lololol..... but know this:
You Sir, Are a Firecracker.
lololol
As my new friend at the gym wisely noted.... I am strong.
I plan to stay that way. :)
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