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Yoga Girl: You Break It... You Buy It.

9/14/2012

7 Comments

 
As Summer draws to a close, I look back and feel like I lived an entire year in those threeish months.... and, needless to say, the summer didn't turn out quite as I had planned.

As we return to the school year, and hang on to your public-school hats - this can be confusing for some, The Boy returns to a .... kind of "co-operative" homeschool program.  It's in a big building - it's full of kids - it offers like a hundred class from Kindy to High School.  We have a Mock Trial Team and Destination Imagination Teams and we have dances for the older kids.  Some of the teachers are "retired" public school teachers, some are professionals in their field who want to teach - but *all* the kids who attend are homeschooled or un-schooled.  The Boy LOVES it there.

Last year he took an acting class and we have this AM.AZING teacher who is an actress and Queen of all things stage - and she teaches them these communication exercises and improv skits.  I kind of just threw him in the class for the fun of it..... then one day we I noticed he was holding my hand a lot.  I just figured that that was because of what was going on at home and The Big D and stuff.  Then I noticed he was squeezing my hand  a lot, too..... that was new.  Finally I asked him why he was squeezing my hand and he said, "Teacher W taught us a secret language - three squeezes means I love you Mom...... Don't you know I've been telling you I love you!?!?!"

Wow.  BEST $60 I think I ever spent.

The rest of the summer, we've been using the hand squeezes to communicate - pure awesome.

So, as second grade begins we return to this school of cool and I'm happy to report that.... and - oh, big shocker here:  No One Cares about the sign..... at least not the kids.  No one has said anything to The Boy, though several parents have come up and talked to me saying that *their* kids saw me on TV and told them who I was.... lolol.  So, the kids know - but no one has said anything to The Boy.

Nor would say anything.... dare I say this but, homeschool kids are.... different.  In a good way.  They aren't perfect or bereft of the usual 'teasing' or social issue's that most kids have - but I would dare to say that adults around kids that witness behavior like that handle the situation differently.  I'm not saying everyone 'approves' - I understand... but we're in a place where people respect others and that feels really good.

Overall though.... The Boy has returned to school and life.... as we knew it BYG (Before Yoga Girl) - starts to take on it's usual shape of schedule and school work.  Which... kind of makes me sad.

It's hard, even when we're trying to move forward... not to look back.  And, as Noel once put it: Look Back in Anger, indeed.  I want to be *CLEAR*... oh. so. clear.  I don't think ... wait, I think I'm about to answer a pretty major question here embedded in a blog about school starting, I think this requires a new paragraph.

I do not, for the record, believe that I could ever, would ever - on a bike, in a house with a house, in a car, on a plane, upside down in a train.... EVER take El Capitan back.  Period.

I would rather die alone than ever face the avalanche of lies that overtook my life the past few months.  One lie began another which spawned another.... and each ones truth became more painful for me than the last.  It's not *just* the cheating.... it's EVERY.THING.  It's the condom wrapper piece in the car, it's Yoga Girl... it's finding texts between them on his phone TWO WEEKS after he destroys my heart that say.... "Only four more hours until you're back..... can't wait to see you....." and HIS response of, "me, too!!!!......"

When he was spending his day with our kids.

OUR KIDS!!!!!! grr......

He's not the person I knew.  Dare I say, he's not the man he was barfing on himself under the starry night of the Leonid Meteor Shower.  *THAT* was a better man than the one I know now.

Let me share.  He's a skeleton of a man.  When he did this - he weighed a *good* 50 pounds more than he does now... giving me a bit of a run in the "shamu stakes" he was..... now, his clothes hang on his as if they are as ashamed to be on his body as Yoga Girl should be.  His face is drawn from not eating right and not sleeping.

He say's he doesn't sleep because the pain and self-hate keeps him up at night because he's trying to come to terms with what he's done to us.

May be.

Or..... playing Batman Arkham and banging a 22 year old is keeping you up. 

It if weren't for months and weeks of lies - told to me by the same loving eyes and in the same tone El Capitan  promised TWO DAYS before I discovered Yoga Girl that you "loved me" and would "never cheat" on me... then I *might* believe him.  But clearly.... El Capitan has become a bit of a master liar.  He gives his brother a run for his money in this department and seeing as how his brother did *the same thing* to his wife and infant daughter.... well, let's just say the 'douche' gene seems to run in that family..... a handicap I'm *hoping* my children will overcome.

He say's he doesn't see his friends.... but then I hear they went out Friday.  He say's he doesn't own a car... but he does - with Yoga Girl.  He *say's* a lot of things.... things I can't trust, things that piss me off.

Oh - and, LET ME BE CLEAR.  What I don't usually post here is my LOVE for the fbomb.  It's a pure love and I use that word with total abandon.  And.... I frequently use it with El Capitan.  Trust me on that one.  However.... *if* I wasn't always STUMBLING on things like...... here's a classic:

ONE WEEK into the "I'm sleeping in the WINCO parking lot because I don't have a home and I'm trying not to spend any money so you and the kids can have it....." story - we trade cars so he can take the kids out.  I'm trying to drop off a job to a client and I pull out *MY* Tom-Tom.  *MY* Tom-Tom - the ine MY RED SATURN THAT I OWN - and I turn it on and start to go to the menu.... it asks me if I want to go "home" - I punch yes out of curiosity.... and it gives me YOGA GIRLS ADDRESS!!!!!!

Later that night my car is parked there..... and every night after that.

So, it's not even like I've had to TRY to "catch" El Capitan at anything... the truth always just seems to fall *literally* in my lap.....

Bottom Line:  I DO NOT want him back.  Yoga Girl may be been content with *my* sloppy seconds... I, however, think I'm worth more than that.

I *DO* however, want DADDY back.  For the my kids.  The angry, hurt WIFE wants him to fall flat on his face... wants Yoga Girl to REALIZE that *THIS* life she "stole" him away from is.... not *gone* - and she's more stepped *into* that life instead of taking him OUT of it.  Silly little girl......

BTW - Yoga Girl... have you thought *at all* what it's going to be like to have my kids for overnights?  Doing family things......?  Did you fancy yourself at 22 cleaning up puke and piss off your beds?  Well honey... saddle up, because life with a 7 year old and a 3 year old is going to be a bit of a bumpy ride for you.

For *ME* - it's easy.  Being *ALONE* is hard... but ask any of my friends:  I rarely - if EVER - complaign about my kids.  They puke on me, pee on me.... whatever.... I love EVERY SINGLE SECOND with them - the good, the bad and the bodily function ugly.  PERIOD.  I love it because I know that any second it could be taken away and... one day - they will grow up and be slamming doors in my face and telling me I'm a b*tch because they are teenagers with raging hormones and anger they can't quite handle.  I *LOVE* the now.... but will YOU?

 I don't want El Capitan to be a "bad guy".  I *WANT* and I *NEED* for him to get back to who HE WAS.  A GREAT DAD.  Clearly.... he wasn't nearly as great as I thought he was... but - I want him to be for *them* who he always was.  A little girl *needs* her Daddy..... I hope she get's him back.  And he's still there..... he still swoops her up in arms and smiles that smile of his.... and I know beneath the lies and the pain of a life fallen apart:  Daddy still loves his little girl.

So I find myself trying to help turn that tide... now, don't get me wrong - between El Capitan and I - when he points out that he misses the kids I remind him every time that he did that to himself.  *HE* ended this family.  *HE* broke us.  Not me.  We *had* a good marriage... regardless of what he told him friends (HI BRIAN! :)  or Yoga Girl.... he admits *now* that none of this was worth it... that he's *NOT* happier, that he see's the damage he's done..... which, I honestly don't think he does - but .... I think in years to come he will.  He tells me that he loves me and that he never meant to hurt me, that this was about him and not about me and that he should have come to talk to me about how he was feeling about life before he started up with her.

All of that is true... but the fact remains, I *asked* over and over what was wrong... and he said "nothing".  Then he sent her the first text at 11:04am on March 23rd.  Thanks T-Mobile.......  He *chose* HER, I just don't think he realised how many other choices he was making when he did that - allllll the dominoes that would fall (mostly on top of me) - as a result of that decision.... and by the looks of him and what he tells me - he regrets it.

The Mommy of The Boy and The Girl just wants them to be happy... wants them to have a life and two parents who love them and help them be whole, happy adults later in life.  El Capitan is working another 7 day stretch (he hasn't had a day off in 28 days) - so, I brought him the kids so he hang out with them and take them for lunch.  I get flack from people in my life who say "don't make it easy for him" - make him come get them, etc.... which - I *can* do - but... what good does that do?  Does it *really* cause me a big issue to bring the kids?  Not really.  Does it make it "easy" for him....?  Sure.  Is it allowing him to live his life away from us and not have to "deal" with things - as alot of people in my life suggest.....?  Probably.  BUT.  The Mommy has to focus on THE KIDS.  Not on the scorned wife and her friends who hurt for her because they love her.  The Mommy has to suck it up and do what *MOMMY* does.... and that's put the kids first.  Is it a hassle?  yeah.... but did it ruin my day?  Nope.

What it *did* do... was bring my kids the happiness of seeing their Daddy for an hour and half.... and I'll take it!  I'll take whatever piece of happiness I can carve out of this sh*t pie we've been served - and I'm going to fight for them to get more of that happiness. 

I DO NOT want El Capitan back.... as they say Yoga Girl:  You Break It - You Buy It - and honey... you broke him good.  So, you, my darling can keep him.  All Sales ARE Final.

Personally.  If I'm being honest.... .may be I broke him as a husband - may be I wasn't nice enough or I didn't put out enough - but.... YOU, Yoga Girl, YOU broke him as a DAD.  YOU broke him as a Father.  I think that THAT is what keeps hims up at night... assuming it's not making sex tapes on your hunter green comforter (people *really* shouldn't post pictures of their new apartment on facebook... just sayin')..... I think it's the fact that he's NOT the Dad he used to be that is making him feel ill. 

YOU did that... whatever *I* did in my marriage - I *DIDN'T* do that.  YOU DID. 

But guess what.......?  I let you have him.  I walked away from night one.  I WILL NOT however... let you have my children's Father.  I'm going to fight for him.  I'm going to fight to help piece his Daddy Parts back together so that my kids can have HIM BACK.  The irony is that you clearly don't understand that you took him away from them.... like - CLEARLY, you do not understand your role in that at all.  (I think perhaps the kids will get a Jiminy Cricket for Christmas - because you obviously lack a conscience.)

El Capitan deserves that.  I was married to him for 10 years, I believed in him that whole time and while I will never believe in him again in that way - I'm not going to stop believing that he can be the Dad he once was.  I hope he doesn't stop believing that either because I know two adorable kids who - inspite of knowing where Daddy lives and where he spends his time...... they still say this:

"Guess what Mommy.......!?!?!?! - Mom - Mom - MOM - MOM .... guess what Daddy got us!?!?!  He got us lunch and fries and skeletons Mommy - TWO SKELETONS....."

"That's awesome, buddy.... I'm glad you had a good time!"  Say's me.

"Yeah.... you know, I still like Daddy - Mom.  It's not ok that he lives with ____, but he's still fun and stuff.... so it's like I like him even though I'm mad at him....... is that ok?" said The Boy as he looked out the window.

"Of course it is... I think it's very smart of you to know that you can still like someone even when they make you mad - that's what family is, Boy - loving someone and liking someone even if they've made a bad decision....."

"Ok...... thanks Mom."

From the mouth of Babes... always comes the truth.  We just have to stop and listen.

Sometimes even in the face of wrong, when we do the right thing - it's actually the easier thing.

7 Comments
Tracy
9/14/2012 09:57:19 am

I've been reading your blog since the very beginning, and I continue to be impressed by your love for your children and your determination to make the best lives for them you can. I'd like to recommend that you spend a little time in the discussion forum at marriagebuilders dot com - specifically the "Surviving an Affair" forum. You will see people there you have just been betrayed and are fighting to save their marriages, and many others who didn't want to or couldn't make it work and are divorced or divorcing. EVERYONE there focuses on helping the betrayed spouse heal. It might be a place where you can get some advice about how to deal with what you're feeling from people who have been there. I hope this helps.

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Shirley link
9/14/2012 03:01:44 pm

I doubt El Capitan’s sincerity in admitting “none of this was worth it... he's *NOT* happier, he sees the damage he's done, he loves you and he never meant to hurt you, that this was about him not about you and he should have come to talk to you about how he was feeling about life before he started up with her”. Reading between the lines sounds like El Capitan is simply telling you all the things he knows you want to hear because, now that reality is setting in over at yoga girl’s place, he’s getting scared. Yoga girl is probably not as patient and acquiescing with El Capitan as you’ve been during your married life. He senses she’s getting tired of him. This all reminds me of a quote from Season 1 of the original Star Trek that was so profound that it’s never left me in … what … 40 years. Spock’s woman got herself a yoga guy who wanted to fight Spock for her. Spock essentially told the guy the same as you … you break it, you buy it. But he put it that, “She is yours. After a time, you may find that having is not so pleasing a thing, after all, as wanting. It is not logical, but it is often true.”

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Alex
9/16/2012 01:56:31 am

Elle, I am inclined to believe he is sorry he did this, and that it wasn't worth it. I've known men, even good men (well, it is the good men who really regret it as much as they do), regret doing such things for ages, pretty much until their dying day. If they sacked up and were willing to tough out some harsh times in their marriages, and not being treated very well (ie. getting what they deserved), chances are they would have saved their marriages. None of them fought for it though, too weak. So the pain carried on forever, for everyone, unless their wives moved on with better men.


Please don't post this part, just edit. Take down the comment in the last blog post or the one before. It was sound advice, but never EVER share what legal advise you are getting like that. It's showing your cards in a game of poker. Remove it, you don't want him being a dick and working to cover his ass. Because he will be a dick when he's feeling resentful and sorry for himself. He's not a man.

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Julie
9/16/2012 03:02:19 am

You make your own choices. Nobody chooses for you. Only YOU can make a choice for yourself.

You did not break anything about El Capitan. Yoga Girl didn't break anything about him either. El Capitan made ALL his own choices and apparently he doesn't get the concept that every single choice he makes affects other people.

Make your choices. Make them, and know that you are making them. And then walk forward and accept what your choices bring you. And if you don't like it, then make another choice to change it. And keep moving forward. Always.

PS - Let El Capitan work out on his own how to be a part of his children's future. If he really misses his kids then he will make time to see them instead of just whining about missing them. If he doesn't then that is a choice HE is making. I understand that you want to protect your children but shielding them from the truth that is their father is not good imo. Let your children work it out with their father if they have issues with his behavior. If he disappoints your children console them, give them a hug. That said, remember... You make your own choices. Nobody chooses for you. Only YOU can make a choice for yourself.

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Jenn @ I Am Not Superwoman link
9/20/2012 10:24:12 am

I have been reading your blog as this whole story has unfolded over the last couple months. I knew of you through Zober Babies, although you never photographed my children, I had called you before to possibly schedule a session in the delivery room and then had to have a Csection so it didnt work out. Long story short, I, like you, had the wind knocked from my sails several years back when my ex had an affair as well....We had two children at the time. An almost 3 year old and almost 10 year old. I, unfortunately, got back together with mine for a short period only to find out that, the gal he got together with for the short period was pg. He now has a 11 year old daughter out of this who he does not see to this day, he actually gave her up to the ex and her new husband. My exs new wife has no clue....so what goes around,comes around. And often times situations such as this where they start out in deceit, they will end the same way....One of them will tire of one another (probably the 22 year old) and move on. Be strong as you have been for your kids and as hard as it was for me, it was better to *help* him be a better father for your kids sake so there were definete times were I did the picking up/dropping off, giving him ideas on how to entertain, even dropped his child support down a bit so I knew he could afford to take them to McD or out to pizza on his weekends. As hard as it was in the beginning, time does heal all wounds. You can and will eventually forgive but will never forget (rightfully so). It took me several more years to where I could trust again in order to have a healthy relationship with someone else...I know that is probably the furthest from your mind, but one day those kids will grow up more, no longer consume most of your time and mommy will want adult time. When that time comes, it will be ok, you will be ok. The kids will be ok. Kids are much more intuitive and resilent than I think we give them credit for. My now 20 year old has looked back on the situation and she knows what happened without me speaking a word. My now 13 year old, understands most but not all...in time. They still love their dad and I am glad. He might not be the best husband, nor best father but he is still their father and a part of their life. Keep on keeping on. And it is ok to grieve, be mad, sad,whatever, it is like a death in the family only you have to see the person still. Hug your kids tighter, laugh a little bit more and dream of what the future holds. Endless possibilites. You are in control of your own destiny.

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MMP
9/26/2012 09:33:26 am

PROUD OF YOU IN EVERY WAY. STAYING IS thE WAY To GET THROUGH STRIFE. KARMA BABY IT WILL CREEP UP AND BITE THEM IN THE BOOTIE

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    Elle Zober

    Mother, "scorned wife", photographer, designer,  potential blog writer and recent guest on The View.... life's been pretty crazy as of late - crazybeautiful that is!
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Scorned, slighty bitter but still, grateful and very happy... life is good.
PS.... you *WILL find errors in grammar, spelling and otherwise... I am just a Mom - now a 'single Mom' who
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