As we return to the school year, and hang on to your public-school hats - this can be confusing for some, The Boy returns to a .... kind of "co-operative" homeschool program. It's in a big building - it's full of kids - it offers like a hundred class from Kindy to High School. We have a Mock Trial Team and Destination Imagination Teams and we have dances for the older kids. Some of the teachers are "retired" public school teachers, some are professionals in their field who want to teach - but *all* the kids who attend are homeschooled or un-schooled. The Boy LOVES it there.
Last year he took an acting class and we have this AM.AZING teacher who is an actress and Queen of all things stage - and she teaches them these communication exercises and improv skits. I kind of just threw him in the class for the fun of it..... then one day we I noticed he was holding my hand a lot. I just figured that that was because of what was going on at home and The Big D and stuff. Then I noticed he was squeezing my hand a lot, too..... that was new. Finally I asked him why he was squeezing my hand and he said, "Teacher W taught us a secret language - three squeezes means I love you Mom...... Don't you know I've been telling you I love you!?!?!"
Wow. BEST $60 I think I ever spent.
The rest of the summer, we've been using the hand squeezes to communicate - pure awesome.
So, as second grade begins we return to this school of cool and I'm happy to report that.... and - oh, big shocker here: No One Cares about the sign..... at least not the kids. No one has said anything to The Boy, though several parents have come up and talked to me saying that *their* kids saw me on TV and told them who I was.... lolol. So, the kids know - but no one has said anything to The Boy.
Nor would say anything.... dare I say this but, homeschool kids are.... different. In a good way. They aren't perfect or bereft of the usual 'teasing' or social issue's that most kids have - but I would dare to say that adults around kids that witness behavior like that handle the situation differently. I'm not saying everyone 'approves' - I understand... but we're in a place where people respect others and that feels really good.
Overall though.... The Boy has returned to school and life.... as we knew it BYG (Before Yoga Girl) - starts to take on it's usual shape of schedule and school work. Which... kind of makes me sad.
It's hard, even when we're trying to move forward... not to look back. And, as Noel once put it: Look Back in Anger, indeed. I want to be *CLEAR*... oh. so. clear. I don't think ... wait, I think I'm about to answer a pretty major question here embedded in a blog about school starting, I think this requires a new paragraph.
I do not, for the record, believe that I could ever, would ever - on a bike, in a house with a house, in a car, on a plane, upside down in a train.... EVER take El Capitan back. Period.
I would rather die alone than ever face the avalanche of lies that overtook my life the past few months. One lie began another which spawned another.... and each ones truth became more painful for me than the last. It's not *just* the cheating.... it's EVERY.THING. It's the condom wrapper piece in the car, it's Yoga Girl... it's finding texts between them on his phone TWO WEEKS after he destroys my heart that say.... "Only four more hours until you're back..... can't wait to see you....." and HIS response of, "me, too!!!!......"
When he was spending his day with our kids.
OUR KIDS!!!!!! grr......
He's not the person I knew. Dare I say, he's not the man he was barfing on himself under the starry night of the Leonid Meteor Shower. *THAT* was a better man than the one I know now.
Let me share. He's a skeleton of a man. When he did this - he weighed a *good* 50 pounds more than he does now... giving me a bit of a run in the "shamu stakes" he was..... now, his clothes hang on his as if they are as ashamed to be on his body as Yoga Girl should be. His face is drawn from not eating right and not sleeping.
He say's he doesn't sleep because the pain and self-hate keeps him up at night because he's trying to come to terms with what he's done to us.
Or..... playing Batman Arkham and banging a 22 year old is keeping you up.
It if weren't for months and weeks of lies - told to me by the same loving eyes and in the same tone El Capitan promised TWO DAYS before I discovered Yoga Girl that you "loved me" and would "never cheat" on me... then I *might* believe him. But clearly.... El Capitan has become a bit of a master liar. He gives his brother a run for his money in this department and seeing as how his brother did *the same thing* to his wife and infant daughter.... well, let's just say the 'douche' gene seems to run in that family..... a handicap I'm *hoping* my children will overcome.
He say's he doesn't see his friends.... but then I hear they went out Friday. He say's he doesn't own a car... but he does - with Yoga Girl. He *say's* a lot of things.... things I can't trust, things that piss me off.
Oh - and, LET ME BE CLEAR. What I don't usually post here is my LOVE for the fbomb. It's a pure love and I use that word with total abandon. And.... I frequently use it with El Capitan. Trust me on that one. However.... *if* I wasn't always STUMBLING on things like...... here's a classic:
ONE WEEK into the "I'm sleeping in the WINCO parking lot because I don't have a home and I'm trying not to spend any money so you and the kids can have it....." story - we trade cars so he can take the kids out. I'm trying to drop off a job to a client and I pull out *MY* Tom-Tom. *MY* Tom-Tom - the ine MY RED SATURN THAT I OWN - and I turn it on and start to go to the menu.... it asks me if I want to go "home" - I punch yes out of curiosity.... and it gives me YOGA GIRLS ADDRESS!!!!!!
Later that night my car is parked there..... and every night after that.
So, it's not even like I've had to TRY to "catch" El Capitan at anything... the truth always just seems to fall *literally* in my lap.....
Bottom Line: I DO NOT want him back. Yoga Girl may be been content with *my* sloppy seconds... I, however, think I'm worth more than that.
I *DO* however, want DADDY back. For the my kids. The angry, hurt WIFE wants him to fall flat on his face... wants Yoga Girl to REALIZE that *THIS* life she "stole" him away from is.... not *gone* - and she's more stepped *into* that life instead of taking him OUT of it. Silly little girl......
BTW - Yoga Girl... have you thought *at all* what it's going to be like to have my kids for overnights? Doing family things......? Did you fancy yourself at 22 cleaning up puke and piss off your beds? Well honey... saddle up, because life with a 7 year old and a 3 year old is going to be a bit of a bumpy ride for you.
For *ME* - it's easy. Being *ALONE* is hard... but ask any of my friends: I rarely - if EVER - complaign about my kids. They puke on me, pee on me.... whatever.... I love EVERY SINGLE SECOND with them - the good, the bad and the bodily function ugly. PERIOD. I love it because I know that any second it could be taken away and... one day - they will grow up and be slamming doors in my face and telling me I'm a b*tch because they are teenagers with raging hormones and anger they can't quite handle. I *LOVE* the now.... but will YOU?
I don't want El Capitan to be a "bad guy". I *WANT* and I *NEED* for him to get back to who HE WAS. A GREAT DAD. Clearly.... he wasn't nearly as great as I thought he was... but - I want him to be for *them* who he always was. A little girl *needs* her Daddy..... I hope she get's him back. And he's still there..... he still swoops her up in arms and smiles that smile of his.... and I know beneath the lies and the pain of a life fallen apart: Daddy still loves his little girl.
So I find myself trying to help turn that tide... now, don't get me wrong - between El Capitan and I - when he points out that he misses the kids I remind him every time that he did that to himself. *HE* ended this family. *HE* broke us. Not me. We *had* a good marriage... regardless of what he told him friends (HI BRIAN! :) or Yoga Girl.... he admits *now* that none of this was worth it... that he's *NOT* happier, that he see's the damage he's done..... which, I honestly don't think he does - but .... I think in years to come he will. He tells me that he loves me and that he never meant to hurt me, that this was about him and not about me and that he should have come to talk to me about how he was feeling about life before he started up with her.
All of that is true... but the fact remains, I *asked* over and over what was wrong... and he said "nothing". Then he sent her the first text at 11:04am on March 23rd. Thanks T-Mobile....... He *chose* HER, I just don't think he realised how many other choices he was making when he did that - allllll the dominoes that would fall (mostly on top of me) - as a result of that decision.... and by the looks of him and what he tells me - he regrets it.
The Mommy of The Boy and The Girl just wants them to be happy... wants them to have a life and two parents who love them and help them be whole, happy adults later in life. El Capitan is working another 7 day stretch (he hasn't had a day off in 28 days) - so, I brought him the kids so he hang out with them and take them for lunch. I get flack from people in my life who say "don't make it easy for him" - make him come get them, etc.... which - I *can* do - but... what good does that do? Does it *really* cause me a big issue to bring the kids? Not really. Does it make it "easy" for him....? Sure. Is it allowing him to live his life away from us and not have to "deal" with things - as alot of people in my life suggest.....? Probably. BUT. The Mommy has to focus on THE KIDS. Not on the scorned wife and her friends who hurt for her because they love her. The Mommy has to suck it up and do what *MOMMY* does.... and that's put the kids first. Is it a hassle? yeah.... but did it ruin my day? Nope.
What it *did* do... was bring my kids the happiness of seeing their Daddy for an hour and half.... and I'll take it! I'll take whatever piece of happiness I can carve out of this sh*t pie we've been served - and I'm going to fight for them to get more of that happiness.
I DO NOT want El Capitan back.... as they say Yoga Girl: You Break It - You Buy It - and honey... you broke him good. So, you, my darling can keep him. All Sales ARE Final.
Personally. If I'm being honest.... .may be I broke him as a husband - may be I wasn't nice enough or I didn't put out enough - but.... YOU, Yoga Girl, YOU broke him as a DAD. YOU broke him as a Father. I think that THAT is what keeps hims up at night... assuming it's not making sex tapes on your hunter green comforter (people *really* shouldn't post pictures of their new apartment on facebook... just sayin')..... I think it's the fact that he's NOT the Dad he used to be that is making him feel ill.
YOU did that... whatever *I* did in my marriage - I *DIDN'T* do that. YOU DID.
But guess what.......? I let you have him. I walked away from night one. I WILL NOT however... let you have my children's Father. I'm going to fight for him. I'm going to fight to help piece his Daddy Parts back together so that my kids can have HIM BACK. The irony is that you clearly don't understand that you took him away from them.... like - CLEARLY, you do not understand your role in that at all. (I think perhaps the kids will get a Jiminy Cricket for Christmas - because you obviously lack a conscience.)
El Capitan deserves that. I was married to him for 10 years, I believed in him that whole time and while I will never believe in him again in that way - I'm not going to stop believing that he can be the Dad he once was. I hope he doesn't stop believing that either because I know two adorable kids who - inspite of knowing where Daddy lives and where he spends his time...... they still say this:
"Guess what Mommy.......!?!?!?! - Mom - Mom - MOM - MOM .... guess what Daddy got us!?!?! He got us lunch and fries and skeletons Mommy - TWO SKELETONS....."
"That's awesome, buddy.... I'm glad you had a good time!" Say's me.
"Yeah.... you know, I still like Daddy - Mom. It's not ok that he lives with ____, but he's still fun and stuff.... so it's like I like him even though I'm mad at him....... is that ok?" said The Boy as he looked out the window.
"Of course it is... I think it's very smart of you to know that you can still like someone even when they make you mad - that's what family is, Boy - loving someone and liking someone even if they've made a bad decision....."
"Ok...... thanks Mom."
From the mouth of Babes... always comes the truth. We just have to stop and listen.
Sometimes even in the face of wrong, when we do the right thing - it's actually the easier thing.