I don't mind being alone... with them.
I don't mind being the "main" parent.
I don't mind making decisions... alone.
I've got the parenting part down.... however, it's the 'finding myself' while I'm *still* the main parent... well - that? That get's a bit tricky.
I have *great* friends... but they are all happily married - walking in their pairs and being in their connected family units..... I'm.... not a pair. I'm a three. I'm a car, broken down on the side of the road, one wheel missing and jacked up slightly too high and leaning to the right while everyone else we know is still zooming past.
Well.... at least God-des & She is blaring on the radio.
Always find that silver lining.... eh?
It doesn't matter how hard I work, or how much I've accomplished... for some reason - people who I "date" get a complex about having to "save" us..... sigh.
I don't want, nor do I *need* to be saved. Not at all. There's nothing to save me from..... I can actually take care of my children both emotionally and financially - on my own. I have always earned my own living: paid for my own cards, my own bills, etc. I don't need *anyone* to come and save us. In fact, I would prefer they didn't.
What I *would* like is an equal partner in my life, someone who meets me on the same level - who enjoys life and challenge and likes to have fun...... see - I didn't mention paying my bills, did I? lol
Nope, I sure as sh*t didn't.
Still..... two times I've heard, "I really care about you.... you're great... but I just can't take on supporting you and the children."
Ok... fair enough - but I didn't ask you too!?!?!?! lol
There really is something to the idea that men just get to move on.... and us Moms- not so much. I have the kids the majority of the time so my availability to go out and create that new life for myself - make those new friends and meet potential new people.... well, that time is limited.
And.... *most* importantly: how much time spent doing that is wrong?
Where is the line between 'responsible Single Mom' and 'going-out too much Single Mom'?
I'm not sure which line I'm straddling right now......
Judging by The Bubbie's attitude as of late (and rightfully so) - I'm dancing dangerously close with the latter. Fair enough.... but at the same time, the kids are usually in bed.... so I tell myself it's ok to go out at 9 pm for pool and 'drink's (water for me....) with friends.
It's not like I'm going home with some random stranger.
Or stopping off to be serviced by some guy in Seattle... lololol.
I wish I were younger... I wish I had more time for me.
In 8 years of being a Mom - I have NEVER EVER said those words. I never wanted time for anything but the children .... but to some degree - taking time *for* me is taking time for them. I need time to rebuild myself so that I am a better example of strength and happiness. I need time to create new friends and meet new people so that (may be) one day they will see me happy in a functional relationship.
All of that takes time......
It's going well - I have some *fantastic* new friends and I love going out with them. We go dancing and bowling and to play pool.... and they are a fantastic bunch of girls. I'm sooooo lucky to have found them. I was even luckier that it didn't take too long to meet them.... that saved me time. lol
March was crazy - there was dancing and nights out almost every Friday & Saturday - which had one of my friends calling me a "rockstar" for partying like one.... lololol.
Well...I wouldn't go that far... but - perhaps it's time to think about just *how* much I'm going out if words like 'rockstar' are being thrown around. lol
Oh... and obviously - the children are with an *adult* while I'm gone - AND... for the record,I do not do any kind of drinking or drugs or anything.... I'm literally the girl who tips Red the bartender with $5 for my water.... but hey: my water stays full and I never have to wait for service! :)
Still, perhaps I should be here watching them sleep more.....
Well.... I just have to hope I find the right balance... and hope that the kids can forgive any mistakes I make along this new road.