Thus far, no one has ever really asked me out on a date. A few guys called - when the sign first blew up in July - but, while sweet - I kind of had my hands full. Seems odd to call them back now. lololol
I had a few calls from men in prison..... which - you know, one shouldn't judge someone in jail *just* because they are in jail. In our society we value the law, the use of the law and as such we have to believe once a person does the time - they have paid their debt to society. However, as the Mother of two children, I thought it best not to bring home anyone currently wearing an orange jump suit.
There was a *very* nice gentleman from Florida who said he was a widower, had a large home, with a pool. That he could put the children through private school and that all his children were grown and wealthy in their own right - and he felt he was still 'young enough' to assist in raising mine. He sounded very kind and genuine - he said that at his age he was looking for a partner and companion - someone who made life exciting - and he was pretty sure I could be that person. I thought he seemed genuine.... but I also thought that there was a chance I could wind up locked in his basement and someday become his 'skin suit'.... so, while the pool alone was enticing..... I politely passed on his offer.
Since then.... there hasn't been much movement on the male front. Mind you.... what could I expect while I'm so clearly and *publicly* going through my own emotions..... still processing my the betrayal and the loss ... doesn't really make me desirable to men. At least... I shouldn't think it would.
Having said that.... I fully expect that whoever I date/end up with - whatever.... will likely have a past similar to mine. They will be older, have past break-ups or divorces of their own - and most likely children.... that doesn't bother me. So long as they have worked through their issue's and they've moved on maturely and in common sense.... I can handle that.
In fact, I kind of *welcome* that idea: a man who has faced down his own personal inner demons, dealt with them and moved the f*ck on.
The last few months got rough (as most of you know) - the time between Thanksgiving and Christmas was fraught with emotion. In the first place, writing the book kind of brought on an emotional avalanche. Going through our past and *really* thinking about where he and I and *we* went wrong.... was HARD. Really hard. There was an emotional aftermath to that that I as not at all expecting... and while it was painful - taking me right back to my catatonic state.... I was 'saved' by Twilight.
Instead of sinking into a quiet depression of stillness and solitude... I just kept turning on Twilight. It gave my brain and my heart -a break.... it gave me time to mentally 'check out' from my own life and just relax - then enter the world again from a different, more emotionally calm place.
I think most any movie would do it... but for me, it was Team Edward all the way.
As the New Year came and went... I found myself in a very different place.
Now when I saw El Capitan, I really ... no - my *heart* really didn't see anyone that it had known before.... it didn't skip a beat (like it did in the very beginning), it didn't ache with loss (like it did in the months that followed) and .... it stopped feeling heavy like a stone (which is had during the holidays)..... in fact, in a pleasant way, my heart and my mind were bereft of any 'feeling' at all.
Of course, El Capitan can still piss of My Kids Mom - he seems to be exceedingly good tat that.... but - El Capitan's Ex-Wife... she just kind of stopped giving a sh*t. I'm kind of proud of her. hahahaha
(which, by Friends standards, it's one month of 'recovery' for each year of the relationships - so according to Ross, Rachel, Monica, Phoebe, Chandler & Joey ... I'm *right* on track. hahahahaha)
So I find myself in a new space... where the idea of meeting new people is.... exciting and not scary. I'm not sure anyone will be interested... a single Mom with two kids isn't 'attractive' to everyone, and I understand that. My looks/weight might also make me not so ..... 'attractive'.
But i guess in spite of everything.... I still do believe that my 'Edward' - is out there. I blame Lashla - she's an incurable romantic and .... she's rather infectious. I doubt he's got the looks and body of a 17 year-old... and - I'm pretty ok with that, too. In fact, I'm more than ok with that: I'm done being anyone's 'Mommy'. lololol
So TODAY. Well.... today: I had coffee (or, in my case) hot-chocolate with a man.
I know.... I know.... shocking - isn't it?
Successful, educated, well-spoken .... MAN. It was kind of weird.... like - *he* wasn't weird - he was nice and funny and said nice things..... but even though I *feel* ready for coffee or dinner or whatever..... (and since it's been a loooooong time since 'whatever' - I have to admit, I'm a bit curious how that might work... haahha) it was weird to be sitting across from a man I'm not married to.
To be sitting there single.
It was only for a brief moment though - that during coffee I actually thought about it... but it was brief and without any kind of feeling other than a factual recognition that it was a bit weird.
And then I went on laughing and enjoying our coffee(hot chocolate).
I'm not sure where... *if* anywhere it will go.... but I'm pretty proud of making this first big step. It was simple and enjoyable and nice.... no pressure, no nothing.
So then it occurred to me, on the drive home - that I was feeling.... a wee bit excited. Regardless of whether or not anything comes from *this* coffee... there's something a bit exciting about knowing that there will be other 'coffee' down the road... and while I have to keep the best interests of the children at the forefront of my mind.... coffee is pretty exciting.
Unlike Yoga Girl, I'm not going to have a sign from my snatch that say's "Open For Business" - and for allll intesnive purposes, I'm not. hahahaha - but it is hard to go from bitter divorcee to 'ask me out for dinner!'.... but I have fait
Mind you.... if I'm this excited about coffee... what about when someone *kisses* me for the first time in.... well - too long of a time to admit publicly. hahahahahah
Oh.... and then *after* coffee I did 10 miles at the gym.